Play. The. Effing. Tape. Back!

It’s our final installment of the reunion, and quite frankly I am ready for a break.  While I love exercising my creative writing skills, I will be submitting something to the Bravo suggestion box, let’s make it a one part supersized reunion.  That way we can all put on our comfiest sweat pants and inhale it all in one sitting.  I found part three to be a bit of a bore, aside from Nene showing up in her outfit plucked straight off the rack from the Layne Bryant “Cher” collection.  Let’s get right into the low lights:

  1. The Attack of Nene

Nene doesn’t disappoint in her nude-illusion crystal encrusted jumpsuit, and she has the attitude and plenty of RHOATL “pearls of wisdom” regarding friendship.  We flash back on some of Nene’s various fights, flashing her Petco teeth, making ungodly faces, and hurling nasty insults.  But hey, “we’re all friends now” is the overall theme, and if that is the truth Ms. Leakes, I suggest you leave on a high note and fire your stylist…STAT!  Cynthia runs backstage to fire up her portable ditto machine…Friendship contracts for everyone!

Nene bodysuit

  1. Chateau Shereé vs. Moore manor

Neither woman had their home finished by Christmas, so they both lost the bet…SHOCKER!  Moore Manor is still “in the gully where the ogres live”, but Kenya claims she will be moved in within a week.  She by Shereé will be done in a month, and I don’t believe either of them.  Matt, slap another patch on the air mattress, you might be able to move in by Thanksgiving 2021.

  1. Frick and frack

OHAC lovingly dubs Phaedra and Porsha as “Frick and Frack”, they are BFFN and they bring out the best THOT in each other.  We revisit the evolution of Porsha – she is single, likes to have a good time, and shake her ass.  That certainly doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have class!  We might need the Countess to weigh in on that one!  The best part of all of this is the clip of Phaedra on the beach, giving zero Phucks that her back fat is showing, while making animal noises like a rabid cat caught in a beaver trap.

Frick and Frack.jpg

  1. House Hubs and a Half

The house hubs join the stage, but quite frankly, it’s not the same without Gregg Leakes.  If wanting Gregg to be on stage, rattling off the crazy shit rolling around in his brain is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right!  We learn that Matt and Kenya are in love and ready to move their air mattress inside of Moore Manor.  Peter looks like there wasn’t enough tranquilizer in the dart, but denies he is under the influence of any chemical substances.

  1. Chrissy-Gate

Chris is on stage to respond to all the “fruity or gay” trash talking and he offers a response that demonstrates he is confident in his manhood.  Kim basically calls Kenya an asshole for assassinating his character.  Nene jumps in and says Chris was yelling at the women on the party bus, snapping up in a circle, etc.  To which Chris responds that he was mocking them.  I am a bit disappointed in the lead up to the “Play.  The.  Effing.  Tape.  Back!” moment.  Kenya said the rumors of Chris being called Chrissy existed 10 years ago, which Kim can’t align on the time table.  Production plays the effing tape back and Kenya says 20 years, which proves her time-frame is off, but then it’s dropped like a hot sack o’ vomit.

OHAC chimes in and he is quite pissed that the women are gay bashing and being derogatory all for the sake of drama, and notes it’s not a good look.  Is OHAC actually sick of his own creation?!?!?

Chris said all the women have apologized, except Kenya.  She musters up a half-assed apology “if, somehow that was offensive to you …”  OHAC cuts her off at the weave “that is a crappy apology!”  Well, consider the crap-pile of a source!

Chrissy

  1. Who called da’ FEDS?

After all the hullaballoo about “who called da’ FEDS”, we get to play another tape back and it turns out Kandi blurted out on WWHL that Apollo had stuff at her house and Cynthia’s.  This means that somewhere…there is a Secret Service Agent who has the job of watching reality TV shows to discover suspicious activity…where do I sign up?

An argument ensues between Kandi and Phaedra about the money she owed Todd.  Then Todd jumps down Phaedra’s weave and we are faced with the cold, hard reality that these two ladies will never be BFFL again.

  1. Anger Management

We play another effing tape back and see Porsha chasing down one of her employees in the alley during Phaedra’s holiday party.  Porsha felt Jami was being disrespectful, so that warranted a chase, a weave pull, and a beat down in a back alley.  Phaedra notes that Porsha has been going to anger management counseling, which opens the door for all the other ladies to attack Porsha for basically sucking at anger management.  Porsha points out that Kenya hurled some pretty nasty insults at this reunion [tru ‘dat], and she held it together.  The night ain’t over yet…SECURRRITYYYYYY!

Nene gives Porsha a mini-lecture, to which Porsha deflects, “didn’t you choke someone?”  And then in the finest masterstroke of witchery, Nene replies “If I did, I was smart enough not to do it on camera.”  That’s right…everybody knows if you gon’ choke a ho’, do it on the down LOW!

  1. The World According to Phaedra

OHAC asks Phaedra to round out the sesh with some positive Phaedra-ism and she gives us a gem about having the opportunity to be seen by millions of people and to be such an influence.  Something about “using power wisely”, “we are winners”, blah, blah, blah.  Annnnd with that…I will leave you with this image to try and scrape off your brain:

Phaedra Porsha THOTS

Well, that’s all folks.  I hope you enjoyed the season and my snarky recaps!  Catch y’all on the flip-side!

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Chocolate Bunnies

Well this week, we received an Easter basket full of chocolate bunnies gone HAM!  We received some ghastly penis based insults, a reflective wig tuggin’ trip down memory lane, and the cherry on our Sunday….prison masturbation.  Let’s jump right in with the low-lights:

  1. Overboard

Revisiting the shit show that was the boat outing where everyone was calling each other beyotches and ho’s, Cynthia and Porsha admit they were turnt up, meaning hammered on Hennessey and orange juice.  We revisit one of my favorite fisticuffs, She by Shereé’s infamous “wig tug”, which she claims was just a “shift”, a helpful “adjustment” if you will.  Whilst they are talking about Kim’s wig – meaning Kim Zolciak, Kim Fields is looking around as if she is lost in a corn maze.

Anyhoo…Cynthia and Porsha continue to diagram the altercation as if they are in advanced placement English, trying to diagram complex sentence structure.  Between the wrist grabbing, the acrylic nail finger pointing, the straddle, the gut kick, and the security tackle, they finally agree they were both at fault.  Although Porsha wants to point out that she suffered “contusions” all over her body.  She just wanted an excuse to use the $5.00 word she learned at the CVS Mini-Clinic.  Kenya brings up something about Porsha pulling a Naomi Campbell on her assistant and Porsha fights back by accusing Kenya of seeing a one-eyed African.  Is this “one-eyed African” the latest Urban Dictionary slang term for a penis or is this an actual African man wearing an eye patch?

  1. Mommy Dearest

We revisit the painful rejection Kenya faces at the hands of her biological mother and Porsha just doesn’t know when to shut up.  She has been trying to figure out why Kenya is such an asshole, and thinks the deadbeat mom is the reason.  No, she is just a plain ol’ garden variety asshole.  Kenya claims that lack of her mother’s love is not her problem, in fact she had such a wonderful upbringing with the love of a fantastic father!  Raise your hand if you are confused, hasn’t one of Kenya’s main storylines been mending her relationship with her father?  Phaedra looks about as bored as the corpses she embalms.  The prosecution rests, this oatmeal pie face is half-baked.

  1. Papa Smurf on the Prowl

We continue to beat the dead marriage horse and Papa Smurf joins the stage to somewhat defend his position, but not really.  He spends all of his time in Charlotte canoodling with his staff, but hey…he and Cynthia are great!  OHAC whips out his hard-hitting investigative journalism skills and notes that they sound, well “separated”.  Peter actually has the stones to compare himself to a soldier who leaves for duty and doesn’t see his wife and family for months.  As if being away while serving up mozzarella sticks in paper food boats and canoodling with underage bar patrons is somehow the same?  I think Peter is still smoking whatever he bought in Jamaica and was able to sneak through customs up his asshole.

Cynthia supports her ol’ crusty hubby by complimenting his cheating acumen, Peter would be more discreet if he was up to no good.  Porsha keeps pushing after Peter and advises Cynthia that Peter pays his waitresses pennies, er uh… penises, you know…Dick Dollars!  Somehow Kenya gets involved and she and Porsha go at it.  They hurl tasteless insults at each other, something about lying on your back to make a small piece of change.  Porsha says something about a “dry piece instead of wet piece in that ditch”, I have no idea what the hell she means, but it Sounds.  Just.  Gross.  Kenya tells her to shut her mouth “if there’s not a dick in it, you don’t know what you’re saying.”  Porsha snaps back with a really distasteful “What about that dick you tuck every day before you come to work, beyotch!”  Peter exits stage left and makes room for Ayden, which is such an appropriate follow up to that sacrilege!

Stupid mouth

Ayden helps Andy host the show for a minute by asking questions which OHAC whispers in his ear, but then suddenly…out of the mouths of babes…he asks his mama “why are you here and when are you coming home?”  Mama has to make a buck, chile…as OHAC sends him off to raid craft services.

Ayden OHAC

  1. Phaedra Gets Her Groove Back (Chile…she never lost it!)

The next low-light focuses on Phaedra and she is pressing on with her divorce and she will complete her Match.com profile when the paperwork is final.  As a sidebar:  I notice that the set is decorated entirely with all of the items featured in the annual Pier One “teal” catalog.  You know the one…

Anyhoo… Phaedra is on the fence about taking the boys back to visit Apollo in the clink, she said there were inappropriate things going on in the back row, and of course OHAC asks the question we all had on our minds, “like what?!?!”  After the Bravo Intern wiped the drool from his chin with a Jimmy John’s napkin, Phaedra answers the question “someone had their hands in someone else’s pants…ahem…masturbation.”  Isn’t that technically a “hand job”, or in Phaedra speak “digital stimulation”.

Either way, it’s gross and not something Ayden needs to learn.  We need to keep that kid cute and innocent as long as possible!

  1. Party Crashers

The final low-light we will cover is the discussion of Tammy’s nephew…Glen, who Kenya invited to the Miami party house.  Phaedra pretty much called it here by pointing out what we all know, Kenya wanted him around, but when he rebuffed her poor excuse for flirtation, she wanted him out.  Kenya denies, accuses Phaedra of always trying to paint her as a “wanton hussy”.  The ladies don’t disagree that Glen was acting crazier than a bed bug and should have been asked to leave, but Kenya kept pushing the issue, poking the hornet’s nest as Kim called it.  Kenya is always so quick to call security at the sight of an errant coochie crack, but in Miami Kenya kept pushing Glen for a reaction while security was already handling it.

Kandi, of all people, starts defending Kenya because “at the end of the day”, it was Glen who was acting crazy right out of the gate, throwing gang signs at a pregnant woman.  Sigh…at the end of the day…I think Kandi needs a break to hit the dressing room and use her breast pump.

Kandi - defending

Next week Nene makes an appearance in a nude illusion, jewel encrusted, cat suit (someone please show this woman a mirror!)  The house-hubbies hit the couch and Kim Fields shouts “PLAY.  THE.  EFFING.  TAPE.  BACK!”  The supersized part three will be worth it just to see Kim come about as unglued as her wiglette.

Better From the Tap

It’s reunion time, finally!  After a long, arduous, season about…well much ado about nothing…we have reached part one of the pinnacle.  As you may know, dear reader, I am not going to detail blow-by-blow of the reunion, for fear that my nerves will collapse and your head will explode.  Let’s hit the low-lights of part 1 of 187:

  1. Baby Talk – OHAC stars by asking Kenya if the pregnancy rumors are true, and we don’t mean her new pups King and Twirl…he means Kenya…and of course she will not confirm or deny the rumor. If Kenya is with child, we are going to need Phaedra to get Jesus on speed dial, and even he may not be able to fix it.  Somewhere in the ATL, Matt is googling “how to get into the witness protection program”.

We learn that Lauren has given birth, making Porsha a proud aunt.  Kandi is looking rather fantastic after delivering Baby Ace.  Reflecting on Kandi and Todd’s pregnancy journey, Kenya attempts to knock them down by chastising Todd for taking a bidness call during the early sonogram.  Kandi defends her man, she ain’t trippin’ and isn’t one to pass up a check.

We are treated to some unseen footage of Todd tasking the breast milk out of a bottle, and OHAC lets his freak flag fly as he exclaims…“It’s better from the tap!”  [insert sound of needle scratching off record here].  Annnnnd…How.  Exactly.  The.  F*ck.  Do.  You.  Know.  This?  Somewhere in St. Louis, Evelyn Cohen has died from embarrassment.

How do you know this

  1. Shady Bunch – There was a lot of shade thrown this season and the award for best shade goes to none other than Shaedra Parks. We are treated to a montage of shade thrown, and Phaedra’s impersonation of Kenya is first rate.  Just getting to revisit this clip of Phaedra twirling like a dervish in her 4th of July outfit is giving me new life.
  1. Frienemies? – Where are Phaedra and Kandi with their on-again off-again romance? Phaedra sent flowers when Baby Ace was born and she brought Kandi some chicken fingers, but forgot the honey mustard.  READ:  UNFORGIVABLE!  Kandi was offended by the attacks on Todd, but Phaedra was a little miffed about her soon to be incarcerated husband’s hidden assets in their garage.  Cynthia takes her moment to get some screen time and explained that she thought Phaedra knew Apollo was keeping stuff at her and Kandi’s homes…annnnd this is the only thing Cynthia has to say all night.  She must be conserving energy for when Papa Smurf joins her because previews indicate she will need to defend her janky marriage.

There was another matter of the money Phaedra owed Todd for her workout video, OHAC points out that Phaedra wouldn’t lift a finger for She by Shereé’s divorce proceedings until she had that full retainer in her hand, cash and/or money order.  Phaedra goes on to say that she received a shoddy final product from Todd, thus requiring extensive editing.  Blah, blah, blah…translation = the video will not even be going straight to DVD.

  1. Tootie Your Own Horn – Kim Fields needs an extra semester at the Skewl of Read, but she is learning to stand up for herself and finally participates in a bit of confrontation now that she is securely on the reunion couch, at least 15 feet away from “Oatmeal Pie Face” [READ: Shaedra to Kenya].

Oatmeal

Kim showed composure and class when she complimented Kenya on her comedic talents demonstrated in the “Life Twirls On” pilot, however it went south quickly after Kim  got to know Kenya and deemed her unworkwithable.

Kenya thinks she and Kim have comparable careers, but OHAC points out that Kim has been a star since she was a child and well into the ‘90’s, whereas Kenya was merely a Miss “whoesseh?” in 1990.  READ!

Who SA

Kenya claims that Kim is on her stage right now, of which Kenya is the star and Kim is low man on the totem pole.  Kim is looking around confused, she has zero f*cks left to give, because she is due at DWTS for a costume fitting in an hour.  Kenya criticized Kim for speaking about herself in third person, which is freaking laughable coming out of that cauldron of oatmeal pie face.  Talking about herself is about the only skill Kenya has, oh and interrupting and talking over others.  Kenya keeps interrupting and since she is no longer allowed to bring props, she starts clapping her hands at Kim like a rabies infected baby seal.  Kim is temporarily possessed and points her warning finger at Kenya, and with an “I freaking dare you” tone, says “say something!”

SaySomethin

What Kenya doesn’t realize is that Kim is a committed mom prepared for any situation, she has Ziploc bags full o’ cheddar goldfish under her couch cushion, she is wearing leggings as pants underneath her gown, and she is ready to spring into action and kangaroo kick Kenya in her oatmeal pie face.

Whew…glad that’s over!  Kudos to Kim for finally “bossin’ up”!  Next time, the hubbies join the stage for more drama.

School of Read

She by Shereé is still keepin’ it real where we left off and Kim is ready to cut a beyotch with her mouth, meaning she may spew some cutting words that only become part of her vocabulary when she is fully possessed by the real housewives mutant demon of death.  The latest rumor is that Chris is “fruity or gay”, as if they are all in 7th grade trying to win a spot at “cool girls” lunch table by having the juiciest gossip of the day.  Everyone is bailing out of the shit pot, acting as if they weren’t fervently gossiping about this the night before.  She by Shereé, Phaedra, and Porsha admit that they Googled Chris and read the words “fruity husband.”  Kenya jumps in, “we don’t care if he’s gay or if you guys having tax problems.”  Wait…what the wha???  Where did this “tax problem” thing come into play and why can’t Kenya say anything without throwing a backhanded shady curveball?!?!  Cynthia and Nene go on record that they defended Chris and Kim and wanted no part of this ugly conversation.  Kim pulls her “go to” move and leaves saying she has to get to bed because she has an early morning.  Like the last kid chosen for the dodge ball team, Kenya is left sinking in the shit pot by herself.

Kim - WTF

The next day, Nene, Kim, and Phaedra have breakfast and the two veteran housewives attempt to guide Kim toward a bully beat down and suggest she de-pants Kenya at recess.  However, the only one who really needs a good dressing down is Phaedra!  She looks like she should be twirling a baton and doing high kicks in a 4th of July parade!  Phaedra redeems herself by giving some solid advice and doing a spot-on impression of Kenya.  She advises Kim to chop the snake off at the head and say something to Kenya like “Listen honey, I am Baby Butterworth.  I came out the womb actin’ honey, but you came out actin’ a foo!”  Now there’s a solid insult.  Read school is in session and Nene plays the role of Kim, being calm and dismissive.  Phaedra takes the role of Keyonce… “I’ve been in two movies that went straight to blockbuster!”, then she starts twirling in her red, white, and, blue frock so fast that she may turn into Wonder Woman.

Phaedra Twirling

They all get a big cackle out of it, but Kim finds solace in her bible and prayer cloth, her elevator doesn’t go down to that level.

Meanwhile, Back in ATL, Kandi and Todd visit a European Hookah lounge to meet with the chef and try some of his cooking in hopes that he will be a candidate for their ill-fated OLG restaurant idea.  The OLG is on board, except for Aunt Bertha.  However, what Aunt Bertha is on board for is strolling into the empty Hookah lounge and shouting into the air at no one in particular, “I need a rum-n-coke!”  The chef serves the group various items including deviled eggs, French toast and chicken, salmon, ribs, etc.  Aunt Bertha fusses over everything, except the ribs.  Bertha throws some serious side-eye, still no sign of that rum-n-coke.  Nothing much more to side-eye see here, the gang decides they are moving forward, but plan to interview a few more chefs so that Kandi can get more of her chicken and waffle on.  Hopefully next time with some dippin’ sauce.

Aunt Bertha

Back in Jamaica, the gang is heading off to Dunn’s River Falls for the day.  But first, Kim must phone her hubby to refresh and nurture her “beautiful, uninfected spirit”.  She fills Chris in on the “fruity or gay” rumors and “folks jumpin’ on Google to determine if he was straight or not.”  Chris takes this as a compliment, rule #147 in life “if they Google you, they are shook!”  They have a good laugh and are grateful that they are the only ones in the cast who haven’t been thrown into Saturday detention.

At the waterfalls, everyone straps on their waterfall climbing shoes, but the women are all bitching that the water is too cold.  Porsha decides to crawl because it’s so slippery and she doesn’t want to perform the impromptu splits and blow the seam of her Fabletics spandex pants wide open with that corn fed ass.  Kenya and Matt, insisting on being the stars of gym class, scale their way to the top first and act as if they have won the Amazing Race or some shit.  It ends up alienating them further as everyone else uses the opportunity to bond and help one another up the falls.

Porsha - twerk on falls

After they complete their mission, Peter announces they are going to a Jamaican Jerk Chicken joint for dinner, that serves amazing chicken and allows the patrons to smoke fat joints.  At that thought, Gregg gets a burst of energy and he is ready to run to the chicken joint faster than Kandi wolfed down that French toast and chicken dish.  Once at dinner, the women and men separate.  Peter fires up a fat ass blunt and orders round after round of shots for the men, they start talking all kinds of nonsense and we get a drunken admission that Matt “loves Kenya” and Oliver isn’t sure if he can handle all of Porsha’s big bouncin’ ass.

At the mean girls table, Nene broaches the conversation about the Kim/Kenya feud and she invites Kim to put the bible down and put some stank on it.  Kim says her problem is that Kenya has crossed a line of disrespect, which won’t be tolerated.  Kenya, once again, cannot find it in herself to be civil and starts out being condescending, “congratulations on speaking for yourself”… Cynthia tries to interrupt Kenya, but gets a dodgeball straight to the kisser.  Kenya tells Kim that she is indifferent to her and they are simply at an impasse.  Kim feels there should be some level of respect that is “just basic”.  Cynthia reminds Kenya how she rudely pulled out Kim’s chair at their three-way “why don’t I get to direct the ‘mercial meeting”, which caused things to escalate quickly and turn physical.  Cynthia feels that Kenya owes Kim an apology, and then, like a Unicorn on roller skates, Kenya delivers an apology for moving Kim’s chair.  Kim is ready to move her own chair, she accepts the apology for now and quickly exits stage left, she has an early morning Algebra quiz.

Cynthia, her Mickey Mouse statement necklace, Nene, and She by Shereé make a pit stop back at the hotel to have some dessert and Cynthia can’t stop giggling about the dark chocolate balls.  Cynthia thinks Nene has transcended into “Iyanla Fix My Life level” and she wishes to consult her about confronting Kenya about her unsupportive behavior during the ‘Mercial shoot.

It’s the last night in Jamaica and Peter sets up a nice party for everyone and shows up wearing his best Papa Smurf blue suit.  After several cocktails and a twerk-off between the fire dancers and Phaedra and Porsha, they all take their seats for dinner.  Peter delivers a speech about how great the trip has been and he and Cynthia have their spark back.  She by Shereé even admits that the trip has been great and has brought her and Bob closer to reconciliation.  Sure, everyone can get along famously while lounging in tropical paradise on Bravo’s dime!

Peter Blue Suit

Peter reveals that Matt used the word “love” when discussing Kenya and Matt actually owns up to it.  He must have gotten an extra credit from Bravo.  Cynthia asks Kim when she will have some footage of the ‘Mercial, which segues into Cynthia voicing her concern over Kenya’s paddling out to Cuba rather than being supportive on the set.  Kenya says her feelings were hurt because she had two great concepts for Cynthia and she wouldn’t even hear her out.  You dumb beyotch, how about showing up to the scheduled pitch meeting if you are so hell-bent on being heard out?  Cynthia notes that she actually wanted Kenya to be in the commercial, but Kenya scoffs and thinks that changed after Nene returned.  Nene takes umbrage with that and reiterates that she has nothing to do with their rift.  Already having her name on the chalkboard and not wanting any check marks next to it, Kenya actually apologizes to Cynthia for letting her down.  Cynthia accepts the apology and thinks it’s genuine, but Phaedra feels that Kenya is just doing more bad acting!

Well that was a real showdown letdown… We are off next week due to the Oscars, so see you next time.  A lingerie photo shoot, finalizing the ‘Mercial footage, and Phaedra takes the boys to see Apollo.

‘Mercial Mishegas

This week, it’s all about the ‘mercial and the gang boards another party bus from hell to head out to Kingston for the night.  Cynthia straggles in with Malorie and reveals she is pissed as hell because some “really super awesome person” told Kenya that Cynthia was denying their friendship.  That means YOU, She by Shereé!  She by Shereé’s head whirls around, exorcist style, and she immediately goes into defense mode.  Phaedra pulls a classic, well, Phaedra!  She sits in the back of the bus quietly sipping her double Daiquiri, waiting for the sparks to fly.  Cynthia becomes emotional because her backbone is broken, once again.  She is thrilled to have Nene back in her life and, well damn it, she shouldn’t have to choose which life draining drama queen takes precedence in her life!  Porsha just wants to have fun and points out that there is enough Cynthia love to go around.  Cynthia agrees and rattles off a list of the women, noting how all of the friendships are different, but she neglects to mention Kim.  Kim flies into a hilarious tirade about not being mentioned and screams “STOP THE BUS”.  Points to Kim for bucking the Bravo patented formula for drama by not making “not being mentioned on Cynthia’s friend list whilst on the party bus from hell” into a six week story line.

Nene offers to pay Kenya a visit when they get back to the resort, I’m sure that will go about as well as Trump’s toupee fitting.  The gang arrives in Kingston to visit Papa Smurf’s aunt and uncle and chow down on some good ol’ barbecued goat.  It is here where Phaedra starts to hint that Kim’s hubby, Chris, is a bit “sassy”, setting us up for the cliffhanger…more on that later!

The ladies inquire about Papa Smurf’s temperament when he was young because they just want to understand why he is such a douche nozzle.  Peter reveals he only received the wrath of his father a few times, and he was called “Elvis” and he didn’t even know his name was Peter.  Wait, what?  Anyhoo, as the goat feast winds down, Kim announces that the call time for the ‘mercial is 10 a.m. sharp, and anyone is welcome to attend.  Kim warns Phaedra and Porsha to leave the butt floss at home and dress conservatively so as not to detract attention from the product.  Marketing wiz, Phaedra insists that “booty sells” and ends up showing up at the ‘mercial shoot commando and Porsha wears a bikini two sizes too small.  More on that later…

Meanwhile, back at the resort, Kenya and Matt go to the hotel spa and Kenya gives Matt her entire personal history of cast mate drama whilst soaking in the hot tub.  Matt is clearly Kenya’s latest ass brained chucklefuck who agreed to be Kenya’s boyfriend in exchange for camera time.  As Kenya drones on and on about Cynthia, Nene, and the broken friendship contract that never was, he looks like he’d rather take a chainsaw to his insides.

Nene pops by Kenya’s room to rip her a new asshole, but things go fairly smoothly and Nene convinces her to join the rest of the ladies for a nightcap by the pool.  When they arrive, Cynthia apologizes to her and professes her undying love and friendship for Kenya in front of the group.  Smart move…witnesses!  Since Kim is smartly getting some rest before the big ‘mercial day tomorrow, the girls decide this would be a perfect time to gossip about Kim and perpetuate rumors about her hubby, Chris.  Phaedra says he is sassy “He’s definitely got a little fire in his fireplace”.  Nene points out that Chris has a lot of personality that Kim doesn’t have, and Kenya cheerfully chimes in, “they call him ‘Chrissy”, “in the industry”.  She must be referring to the defunct work out video and fake hair product “industry”.  Insinuating that Chris is attracted to men is once again Kenya grasping at her rapidly dwindling supply of straws.  She has used this maneuver a few times, Walter – the tow truck drivin’ fake boyfriend, Kordell – Porsha’s ex, and now Chris.  Heads up Matt…you don’t know it yet, but you’re on your way to being labeled as a gay man!  I really wish a unicorn on roller skates would roll in and impale Kenya and deflate her stupid, stupid ass.

Of course Cynthia and She by Shereé both confess to the camera that they want no part of this gossip, but neither one will shut it down in the moment.  Bravo must have a gag order on common courtesy.  The only one who chimes in to save this ill-fated line of conversation is li’l Porsha, who says she never got a “gay vibe” from Chris.

Meanwhile, the manly men hit the bar to have a drink and Matt joins them.  Gregg’s low grade beaver tranquilizer hasn’t worn off yet and he keeps calling him “Max”, while Papa Smurf drills Matt for deets on his upbringing, his blood type, and his inseam measurement.  We find out that Matt is only 28 years old, which sends the ATL men reeling.  Peter has a son that age, Gregg has older sons, and Chris has jeans that age.  Dayum, Kim needs to clean that closet!  The best part of this insipid scene is effin’ Bob Whitfield sitting and staring at I don’t know what because his crazy eyes can’t keep up!

Bob-crazy eye

The men are also shocked that Matt doesn’t have any kids, as if birth control is a foreign concept to them.  Matt grows tired, has words with Papa Smurf, and shuts it down like an illegal day care center.  Matt asks him to take a walk, but Peter is about 20 deep into his case of Red Stripe and he can’t risk breaking a hip, so he gives his standard line, “keep it movin’!”

The next morning, Kim is prepping for the ‘mercial and Chris has left the building due to his monthly tap dancing lesson and sewing class.  Kim has flown in her assistant director, Ham.  Gotta love a man named Ham, sounds like he knows how to get shit done!  Cynthia arrives camera ready and Kim goes to town, directing like a boss!

Kim Directing

Back at the resort, the rest of the gang is getting liquored up before piling on the party bus to head out to the ‘mercial location.  Phaedra starts questioning Kenya and Matt about their spa day, insinuating they did inappropriate things in the hot tub and Matt is squirming, because this acting job isn’t what he signed up for.  To hell with them, I’m with Gregg, who wins “most super awesome person” on this bus trip, because he has already checked out for his ol’ man mid-morning nap!

Kenya reviews the call sheet and notes that she isn’t listed, so naturally she takes umbrage and criticizes Kim by calling it “amateurish”.  It’s about 2:45 p.m. and a bad storm is rolling in, but Kim has faith it will pass as the party bus of extra rejects rolls up.  Kim is wrangling the group, and Kenya bitterly realizes she isn’t needed and decides to head out to sea to sulk on a paddleboat with Matt.  Nene and She by Shereé play stylists, and as they stand ashore clutching the bangles from wardrobe, they speculate why they only see Matt in the boat.  It appears Kenya is taking part in an oral transaction with Matt, rather than being supportive of her alleged BFF, Cynthia!  Priorities, beyotch!

Kenya paddle boat

Once they get back to shore, Kenya asks Matt how the men treated him and he called them beyotches and says that “the two ancient brothers” antagonized him by throwing cheap shots and shade, but Matt actually admits he was overly aggressive.

Kim wraps her production by 6 p.m. and everyone is very impressed after watching Kim in her element and directing the shit out of that ‘mercial!  Cynthia announces that she has ordered up unlimited mini-taquitos, lettuce wraps, and Jell-O shots for a wrap party that evening, while Kenya continues being jelly, sulking on her lounge chair with her fake boyfriend.

At the ‘mercial wrap party, Phaedra decides there’s no point in putting on clothing and she shows up in her slip.  Kenya joins the ladies and reveals that Matt is only 28 and Phaedra reacts in her usual way, “Guuuurrrl, you gonna be in the post office, there’s gonna be an alert on you!”  Matt saunters over to play pool with the men and he hands Papa Smurf his 18th Red Stripe as a “peace offering”.  The men make up instantly and now Matt has backup when Kenya turns on him.

Cynthia gives Kim props for her directing work and thanks everyone for being in the ‘mercial.  The subject changes to Chris, and everyone is going on and on about how talented, funny, and uuhhh-mayyyyzzz-ing he is.  She by Shereé, claims she is allergic to fake shit and feels the need to keep it real.  So the Chris chatter is more “fake” than She by Shereé being on a couple’s trip with her crazy-eyed ex?  Oy vey, what can ya’ do…who gon’ check her, boo?  She by Reaching Hard for that Peach blows the lid of the fakeness and tells Kim that things were said about Chris being “fruity or gay”, wow…she didn’t pull any Hawaiian Punches with that revelation!  Kim be chowing on her lettuce wraps like…

Wait What

Annnnd we are left hanging with “to be continued”!  Next week, Kim is ready to cut a beyotch after the fall out from She by Shit Stirring, Kandi and Todd work on their OLG menu, a Kenya/Kim showdown, and a Nene/Kenya standoff.

Brow Beat

This week, we continue to beat dead horses, we attend a “beat-less” brunch, and Kenya is deserving of a serious beat down!  Kim has made her weekly Costco run and along with her accoutrements for another excruciating group brunch, she has bought out the entire supply of makeup remover wipes.  For that is the theme of her ill-fated “Beat-less” brunch.  Apparently, the word “Beat” is a new-fangled slang term for setting your makeup gun to “whore” and applying more spackle than is needed to patch the holes punched in your walls after your spouse learns he is going to prison.

Kim greets her stylist, Victoria, whom she should fire tout de suite by the way.  Kim loves Victoria’s “great hair”, which explains Kim’s wig choices.  Kim dubs Victoria “the brunch whisperer”.  Victoria shouts “JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL”, after Kim describes the group of heathens she will be hosting.  Her first tactical error is sending out a generic broadcast voice mail announcing the brunch.  If she is going to disallow lashes and Louboutin’s, I think that warrants a personal call.  We see each woman listening to the message and having their own version of melt-down, f*ck her, oh lawd, whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout, Willis reaction.

Kim - Victoria

Kandi and Todd are preparing to review baby duties and Todd thinks the extent of his daddy duties will be changing one diaper per day and being sure to wipe out all the “creases”.  They discuss hiring a nanny, but Kandi prefers a manny.  I think she should move Don Juan into her mini-mans and let him do all the work, he’s already her li’l beyotch.  Todd says this is his first time having a baby “from scratch”, but he’s going to have a rude awakening when he finds out it’s not like following an OLG Mac-n-Cheeze recipe.

An instructor from “Baby Steps” arrives and Todd shows off, he’s got this, he been “Googlin’ stuff”!  The woman from Baby Steps tells Kandi she is still nursing her own son at 19 months, “he asks for it by name”, she says proudly!  This revolts Kandi and Todd…oh and me!  This is wrong on so many levels, what name is he calling “it”…annnnnd I think if the child is old enough to converse, it’s time to move on to a sippy cup!

Meanwhile, across town…Phaedra and Ayden are making a birthday card for Apollo in an attempt to show that Phaedra is still pretending to GAF about his relationship with the boys.  Phaedra gives Ayden some stickers, but he says screw that, I want glitter glue!  A kid after my own heart!  He’s a little too excited about using the glue stick, I hope the young toughs haven’t taught him about huffing in the Boy’s bathroom!  Phaedra later visits her divorce lawyer and she is ready to move forward, but not ready to take the boys for a prison visit.  Randy Kessler, divorce attorney for everyone in the ATL, comes in representing Apollo, but he expects this to be fairly open-and-shut.

At the Cynthia Bailey Agency, school for wayward models, Cynthia meets with her team regarding the eyewear collection and she is ready to take it to the next level by way of a commercial.  One of her cronies is wearing sunglasses indoors and NOT from the CB collection!  She whips him into shape and gets her team on board for a Kim and Kenya commercial collaboration.  Her vision is beaches, sand, and cocktails and my vision is another Bravo mandated group vacation from hell spread out over the next six episodes.

It’s the big day of the “Beat-less Brunch” from hell and everyone is on their way, of course wearing some form of makeup.  Kandi is sporting her Urkel glasses from the Cynthia Bailey collection and her lip smacker in chicken-n-waffles flavor.  She picks up Kenya, who is rebelling by wearing her usual heavy makeup, but frankly, she needs it.  Her face looks like the surface of Mars.  Something about riding in Kandi’s big F150 gets Kenya all riled up, she is insulted and prepped to arrive at the brunch, guns a’ blazin’.

Guns Blazin

Phaedra arrives at the party in a “natural beat” and Kim tells her to “check your lashes at the door!”  Porsha arrives all made up straight from work, and has a Skype sesh right after with some rando she met in the parking lot.  Porsha distracts Kim by sussing out the smell of the fried chicken and making a beeline for her assigned seat.  Cynthia is about as Au natural as she can be, but probably the only one that would look descent without any makeup, however she needs to address her roots.  She by Shereé arrives with her signature top knot and claims that her face is always “beat” makeup or no makeup!

Kim looks like she is weary and tired from cleaning cheese doodles out of the couch cushions, but she has never really spackled herself up for the camera.  Cynthia uses the opportunity to “touch base” with Kim and Kenya about directing her eyewear commercial and announces she has planned a group trip to Jamaica.  Everyone is excited and Phaedra throws some shade by saying she will need to consult with Kenya on her contacts at “Rent-a-Date”, she will need a three day special.

Kim distributes the goody bags, comprised of items she picked up at the “Dollar Spot” at Target.  Each woman receives a compact mirror, a notebook, and pen so they can write a poem about natural beauty.  I get it, it’s corny as f*ck, but Kenya doesn’t have to act like an unwashed asshole all the time.  Kenya starts giving some makeup history lesson, something about Egyptians, and her makeup being an expression of herself.  Jeezuz… If you are playing the drinking game at home, the word is BEAT!  You have been BEAT to death.  Your blood alcohol content is lethal, please call an Uber and proceed to the nearest emergency room.

Kenya - Umbrage

Kenya just can’t STFU and eat her shrimp-n-grits, NOOOOO…she must “take umbrage” with Kim.  Clearly, Kim has hit a nerve with this no makeup thing and Kenya should have stayed home in her rat-infested halfway house.  After the “umbrage” comment, Kim counterblasts by giving Kenya her best “dead in the eyes” look, shrugs, and says “OK”.  Kenya combats by calling her “dismissive” and Kim explains she was just swallowing her food.  With that, the ladies start to excuse themselves because it’s going to take each of them three hours to take their makeup off.

Kim - Brunch

Later, Cynthia sits down to meet with Kim and Kenya, and she picks a public place to avoid any overt confrontations.  Although, crisis is averted because Kenya is a no-show. Cynthia calls Kenya to see if she is en route, but she is met with a “noooo I’m not going to make it”, as if Cynthia’s pitch meeting was tantamount to a Skype sesh with Porsha.

Kenya is allegedly dealing with a crisis at her broke-down rat-hole home, but we see that the “crisis” is entertaining her latest “rent-a-date”, Matt.  She invites him over to perform some “handy-work” so he can feel “needed”.  Translation = Matt is holding a drill and walking around free ballin’ in his sweatpants.

Kim is totally profesh, she shows Cynthia some storyboards and delivers a polished pitch.  Cynthia emphasizes that her eyewear line is the gateway to her “accessories empire” and she insists on having Kenya involved.  Kim makes it very clear that she is usually Producer/Director, she does not co-direct, and she is not interested in working in a negative atmosphere.  Annnnd let’s face it, Kenya is the conductor of the train that’s a rollin’ straight to crazy town, but Cynthia is hell-bent on a collaboration.  Cynthia is stupid and the gateway to her accessories empire will not be within reach if Kenya is involved.

Next time, the gang heads to Jamaica, Nene shows up, and Kenya alludes to Kim’s husband being “fruity”.

Dramatic Departures

Shamea and Porsha are still pathetically trying to play “Never Have I Ever” and it takes a disturbing turn, an admission to receiving a golden shower by Porsha and She by Shereé!  I can’t pour enough bleach into my brain to erase that thought and Kim can’t take it either.  She slinks away to call her hubby and find out if her kids enjoyed their Spaghettio’s.  We all know that phone call wasn’t necessary, what kid doesn’t like Spaghettio’s?!?!

The drunken ends their boat ride and arrives back at the house.  Kandi is rustled from her quiet evening at home, she is tired, pregnant, and get off my lawn cranky.  Rightfully so, her fellow Army of skanks has dragged home a bunch of random strangers to party into the wee hours of the night.  Kandi and Kim have a seat off to the side of the action and Tammy’s nephew, Glen, starts giving Kandi attitude.  He looks like he smells of a hard mix of taco grease and ass cheese.  I don’t know if he’s hammered, high on Miami bath salts, or both…but this dude ain’t right.

Glen - Kandi

The rest of the girls are in the hot tub and try to lure the strange men over to join them.  Porsha is in full-blown, pedal to the metal, nitro-burnin’ THOT mode and she is twerkin’ for Oliver.  They head over to the shallow end of the pool and Oliver goes ass over teakettle and does the splits.  Kim and Kandi hold up their scorecards and give him an 8.5.  Glen continues to get aggressive with the women in the hot tub and Kenya is pissed that he won’t give her the time of day.  Kenya rallies Kandi into her corner, who supports her feelings about Glen and prompts her to call SECURITY, even using air quotes.

Tammy staggers out of the house with another beer and Kenya asks her to address the Glen issue.  Tammy has no problem telling him it’s time to go, but doesn’t appear as if she can remember what she said one nano-second ago.  Kim has whipped out her Prayer Cloth by Phaedra and whispers a “fix it, Jesus” under her breath.  Porsha actually takes a cue and sends Oliver home.  Of course, having Tammy calmly walk Glen and friend out the door would be too sane, so leave it to Kenya to blow open her box o’ crazy.  She starts yelling to him that he has to leave because he made everyone feel uncomfortable.  She by Shereé and Phaedra are shocked and claim they were fine.

Kenya-Security2

Glen charges at Kenya and calls her a “little bitch”, which I am pretty sure is tattooed somewhere on his body.  SECURITY barrels in, full force and effect, AND THEN…holy jumpin’ crap…Glen actually shoves his aunt Tammy out of the way and throws her down on the marble floor, she is knocked out cold!  She by Shereé starts screaming “call an amb-a-lance!”  SECURITY hog ties Glen and sends him out with the rest of the trash.

Tammy - Fall

The ambulance arrives to check out Tammy, and Kandi and Kenya watch from the safety of their bedroom balcony.  Kandi is up Kenya’s ass giving her props for kicking the men out.  The rest of the gang feels that Kenya threw fuel on the fire and handled it poorly, as usual.  Kenya gets a little shitty with Kim, and heck…like her shirt says “Who Gon’ Kick Me, Boo?”  Nobody, that’s who!  Kim packs her shit and bounces to go lose her mind at the nearest Comfort Inn.  The group hashes it out and when Kandi reveals that Glen got aggressive with her, then the rest bunch comes around to Kenya’s corner.

Kim - kick me boo

The next day, Kandi announces her departure to Kenya, who comes bearing breakfast.  Kandi gladly eats the bacon while informing her that she can’t take it anymore either.  Tammy and Glen apparently hopped the gate and came back to the house, like “Children of the Cornrows”.  The ladies made a spoof horror video of Tammy’s return, mocking her as she stood at the door in her hospital gown and socks.  Cynthia is not happy with them, but of course won’t speak up.

Tammy - Returns

In a “the more you know” moment, Phaedra is crying to She by Shereé because she feels Kenya’s actions have shed bad light on yet another African American man who has done nothing wrong.

The more you know

Later everyone boards the party bus from hell for the day outing driving around on mini-Hummers.  Cynthia decides to call Tammy to check on her, she didn’t have a concussion, just bruises, and her voice has been lowered another octave.

That night, Porsha goes on a date with Oliver, and pretends to be sweet and innocent.  She acts all coy when he goes in for a kiss and rebuffs him, but a second later she is twerkin’ on the table in front of him.  She returns to the house at 1:00 a.m. and wakes everyone up to brag about her uneventful date with a man she will likely never see gain.  They all pile into the same bed like best girlfriends and have a good laugh.  Cynthia is glad they had the “do-over” trip and Porsha calls for a “big ol’ hug and a breast bump”.

Back in the ATL, Kim is safe and happy at home and she catches up with her hubby.  Kim doesn’t trust Kenya and her pot stirring, how does she know Kenya won’t wake up at 2:00 a.m. and say “hey Kim, I don’t like the fact that you roller skated in ‘79, I want you gone!”  They reflect on Kenya’s request for professional collaboration, but Kim isn’t putting up with any foolishness unless Kenya is bringing her “Game of Thrones” type material.

Which leads to… the final showdown at the end of the episode.  Kim and Kenya meet for lunch at a place called “Wine and Tap”, which doesn’t have a liquor license and they don’t even have a damn cranberry juice box for Kim.

Kenya confronts Kim about why she left Miami and insinuates that Kim is struggling with her balancing her home life and senseless trips chock full of soul-sucking manufactured drama.  Kim waves a finger and sets her straight, and quick.  Kim said it wasn’t about missing her husband, but rather she did not feel safe, there were behaviors that crossed the line, and Tammy was thrown to the ground by her own nephew and was injured.  “Let me be clear sweetie, when you provoke somebody and accuse them of things, that’s not something I’m going to take part in.”  Kenya tries to backpedal and say that wasn’t how it happened.  Kim knows Kenya will keep justifying her actions and she gives her an “at the end of the day” speech… she didn’t feel safe so she left.  Kenya appreciates the fact that they smoothed it over and they can show mutual respect and agree to disagree, but I don’t see friendship in their future.  Kim assures Kenya that she doesn’t use her family as an excuse to bounce.  Annnnd Kim wins the round!

Kim - kenya talk

Next week…Ayden is ready for kindergarten and tells Phaedra, “I’m always going to be your baby”…SWOON, and Don Juan’s pink panties are in a bunch.

Kung Fu Panda

The only time wearing leggings as pants is acceptable would be when kick fighting.  It gives the kicker a full range of motion to better overtake their opponent.  Thank goodness Cynthia had the foresight to throw on those leggings under her sundress.  She delivers a heel to Porsha’s bread basket and the deck hand and a camera man tackle Porsha down on a lounge chair as she is bucking like a rodeo horse to get loose.  Oh where is Mama Joyce with her Wal-Mart wedgie of death when you need her?!?!  The girls scatter into two groups to even out the weight distribution in the boat.  Kenya is calling SECURITY to get Porsha and Shamea off the boat and on to a dingy to transport the two thugs back to dry land.

Kenya-Security

Kandi and She by Shereé are wondering where Tammy is, only to find her down in the cabin sitting in a drunken stare.  Cynthia calls Papa Smurf, and he agrees to come home to tell her she acted a fool in person.  Kim is visibly shaken by the whole scene and it reaffirms the fact that she is content with her family, her snacks, and her library book!  Hmmm… this is a buzz kill not even She by Top Knot can deal with.

she by top knot

For the next 20 minutes or so, it’s the hash, hash, rehash, justify actions, backpedal, side step… Porsha is all bruised up due to her fight with the “wild ghetto cat” and there is not enough body glitter in the ATL to heal her broken spirit.  Porsha confides in her mother, who delivers a pickup truck bed full of foil-wrapped comfort foods, while WEARING FLESH COLORED LEGGINGS AS PANTS!

Kim and her “Mad Max” hair meet up with Phaedra, and Kim recounts the situation.  Phaedra claims Porsha was cut on her stomach, but Kim verifies that Cynthia had on flats she ordered from Zappos.  Kim gets line of the night “this is being analyzed like the JFK assassination!”  Welcome to RHATL, Kimmie!

Kim - mad max

Kandi treats Don Juan and Cameron to the recap and Don Juan busts out his best impersonations, but ends up sounding more like Mama Joyce.  Kenya vents to her Aunt, who consults her “Iyanla Fix My Life Workbook” and encourages Kenya to get the girls together for another Bravo mandated meal from hell.

Papa Smurf arrives from Charlotte and Cynthia is looking for support, but isn’t getting what she expects.  Peter Thomas, unlikely voice of reason, actually points out to her that if she kicked Porsha she likely hurt her.  He also points out that his bride is likely acting out of her frazzled emotional state, and it has nothing to do with Porsha.  Cynthia freaks out a bit, and not because she was wearing leggings as pants and hideous Crocs, but because she realizes she needs to suck it up and apologize to Porsha.

Kandi needs to deal with her own stomach kicking, so she and Todd visit Dr. Jackie for a checkup.  No big news here except that when Dr. Jackie couldn’t find the heartbeat, Todd found that to be an opportune moment to step out and make a call.  WHAAAAT?

Kandi Checkup

Across town, Counselor Parks has her own agenda – busting out the Snoopy Snow Cone Machine!  Ayden, who is clearly the brains of the operation, comes up with the most brilliant idea ever, which is to put cookies through the crushing machine instead of ice.  This is all I need right here, Ayden should have his own show.

Kenya calls her BFF Cynthia, a.k.a. Kung Fu Panda, to discuss her Bravo mandated Iyanla “Fix My Life” Brunch, which will give Cynthia an opportunity to get back on track with Porsha.  Kenya is actually offering some sound advice for once, she thinks Cynthia and Porsha need to talk as soon as they can and not let it fester.  On brunch from hell day, Kenya has a face to face with Porsha to prep her for the impending confrontation and I’m not sure why we even had to deal with this, other than to preview Kenya’s hideous, billowy, romper-type, flashdance-esque number that looks like she fashioned it from her grandmother’s guest bed dust ruffle.  She looks like an insane housewife from one of the square states.

Porsha takes the opportunity to point out Kenya’s bad behavior on the boat, bringing the negativity, etc.  The two deflect, backpedal, and bust out the electric slide, but then agree to move forward and Porsha agrees to play nice with Cynthia.  Not to mention her Bravo paycheck depends on it.

At the brunch location, everyone is late except for Kandi and Kim.  Kim makes it clear that she is not down with CPT and she has shit to do (that library book ain’t gonna read itself!).  Annnnd I looooovvve how Kandi plays along as if she is always on time!  Haha, that beyotch will be late for her own funeral!  Phaedra isn’t sure why she is at the “unity luncheon”, but she is not one to miss a meal and a good show.  Kenya and Porsha arrive together, fresh off their one on one.  Kim is no-nonsense with the group and lays the cards out on the table and wants to know where Cynthia and Porsha stand and why Cynthia is wearing a shirt with her own picture on it.  Porsha and Cynthia excuse themselves to go take up space in the restaurant to hash it out.  Apparently Cynthia thinks she is starring in “Sex and the City”, she is all prom dress on the bottom, Bailey Agency softball team on top.  How very Carrie Bradshaw.

Carrie Bradshaw

Back at the main brunch table from hell, Kandi calls Kenya out for being guilty of not recognizing her own wrongs, but Kenya let it go because it’s not good karma to fight a pregnant woman.  Meanwhile, Cynthia and Porsha apologize to each other and air-hug it out.  The rest of the gang applauds…annnnd hopefully we never have to talk about this.  Ever.  Again.

Kandi Call Out

Next week, the gang is in Miami, Porsha gets her THOT on, Kim wants no part of the group.  She by Shereé accuses Tammy of sleeping with her ex-hubs, and Kenya calls SECURITY!

Commander of the High Seize

Kenya decides to skip up the road a piece to antagonize her favorite neighbor, She by Shereé.  She by Shereé is seen sweeping her front porch since she still doesn’t have the keys to the front door.  Kenya taunts her by running around the unfinished home trying to get inside.  Girrrl-puh-leaze, have you not seen She by Shereé snatch a wig?  Kenya realizes her wig-glue is nearing the bitter end of its 12 hour staying time and she stops the chase to have a serious conversation that ends in a bet to see who moves into their dilapidated broke-down home sooner.

Chateu.jpg

The last to move in has to sweep the other person’s front porch.  Kenya then invites She by Shereé to join the crew on a boat outing on Lake Lanier.  Kenya touts the celebration as some sort of odd, ill-timed, bachelorette party, part two for Cynthia.  Yes, for Cynthia, who is contemplating divorce.  Oh hell, we all know this is a patented Bravo mandated outing to get them all stranded at sea, drunk as “Da fuq”, and fighting like rabid mountain goats.

Meanwhile, across town, Porsha and Phaedra have taken the training wheels off their respective skankmobiles and they meet up for some adult shopping at an eclectic store called “Junkman’s Daughter”.  It’s full of gently used role playing gear, marijuana paraphernalia, and ammo.  Sidebar:  Phaedra looks like she just crawled out of the dollar bin at Goodwill, somewhere… Rachel Zoe is lit-truh-lee die-ing.

Zoe Died

Porsha wants to buy a sexy outfit that will allow easy access to her fish taco in preparation for her Skype sesh with Duke-y puke-y, but Phaedra warns that she is making it too easy for the li’l tyke and should play hard to get.  The “prey is sittin’ there waitin’ to be caught, lyin’ on the bed in her socks!”  Counselor Parks’ words ring true as we later see a stood up Porsha, fretting in her sparkle bra and tartan plaid mini.  Porsha phones Counselor and receives a sage diagnosis, “the thrill is gone, Chile!”  Translation = the boy fled for the hills after that creepy, cheerleader, Lucite trophy presenting party you threw him.  Now put your big girl clothes on and update your Tinder profile.

Phaedra later hosts Kim Fields and children for a play date and Phaedra has a lifeguard on staff so they don’t actually have to watch their kids.  Lawd knows Counselor Parks can’t be gettin’ her weave wet!  The two ladies chat about carpool and making delicate sandwiches sans crust.  When Counselor Parks drills down to the essence of who Kimmy really is, the two find themselves dabbing Kimmy’s tears.  She has no friends, she has lost her identity in being a REAL housewife, (oh the irony!), and her goal in life is to not look or smell like unwashed asshole.  Phaedra suggests they have a day for themselves, “nothing to do with our uterus, but just you and us.”

It’s the day of the boat outing and Kenya has arranged for the gals to travel in two separate shade throwing cars.  Kenya picks up Cynthia and her “stray”, Tammy Browning.  Tammy is a hood-rat who claims she has no idea what “throwing shade” means and she claims that Bob Whitfield (She by Shereé’s ex-hub) is her BFFL.  Then, in a masterstroke of bitchery, Tammy says that She by Sheree is nuthin’ but a gold digger and only married Bob for this NFL cash.  SHADE THROWN!  For a shade throwing rookie, beyotch got a strong arm!

In the other mini-van ride from hell, Kim has a chance to chat with Kandi and discuss how much she admires her bidness woman status and her adult toy line.  Kim is beating around the bush (pun intended) and she asks about Kandi’s “products”.  Kandi encourages her to try the vibrating panties, but Kim doesn’t like wearing underwear.  Kandi suggests starting small, a “tiny instrument”, so as not to intimidate her hubby, but Kimmy’s quandaries continue…she is very LOUD.  Okay…someone get Tootie some social skills…STAT!

Everyone arrives at the dock and Captain Don, Commander of the High Seas, is ready to take the wild mountain goats out for their spin.  The crew starts drinking immediately and heavily, except for Kim and Kandi who do not imbibe.  Kenya is off to a roaring start and could not be a more ungracious host.  She announces to the group that Shamea Morton, (Porsha’s stray) is persona non grata because she was not invited.  However, it’s perfectly fine that her BFFL Cynthia brought stray Tammy, who is creepily annoying and has more disgusting feet than Claw-dia.

Tammy hones in on Kandi with laser focus… “I met you 20 years ago when you were with X-Cape”, “do you have a label?”, “I’ve got to get my son (who is managed by none other than Bob Whitfield) in the studio with you!”  Kandi shuts it down like an illegal day care center – no budget, no discussion.  She by Sheree shows up and the awkwardness between her and Tammy is as thick as Porsha’s corn fed booty.  Tammy keeps talking in her deep man voice and reveals that her hubby is white, in fact he is the “whitest man in America, Nazi white.”  Porsha is like “da fuq?”

DaFuq

Kim tries to sneak away to read her library book and eat her pre-packed snacks, because throwing back countless shots on a speeding boat with a crew prone to fist fights ain’t really her jam.  Kenya catches her, confiscates her library borrowed copy of “50 Shades”, and casts her Ziploc containers overboard.  How dare she bring her mommy snacks when Kenya has catered this lovely affair with pre-packaged dry goods from Trader Joe’s!  The rest of the gang is equally as sloppy and Kenya and Shamea get into it over a towel.  Shamea calls it a “fake towel”, comparing it to the fake products at Kenya’s hair line launch.

Kenya pulls a handbrake turn and puts a screeching halt to any fun being had.  She calls Shamea out about the negative energy she brings and Shamea counters with “okay Miss America”.  Which of course that sends Kenya over the edge, twirling up to the Captain, and she demands to have Shamea escorted off her boat.  Captain Don, Commander of the High Seas, is all like “Da fuq?”

The group elects Cynthia to attempt to talk Kenya down and as she rises to the occasion, Porsha lets off a playful “bitch” to Cynthia, since all of these stupid bitches have been playfully calling each other “bitch” all damn day, but NOW Cynthia decides this “bitch” has crossed the line!  Never mind this “bitch” or that “bitch”, here a “bitch”, there a “bitch”, everywhere a “bitch bitch”, but this particular “bitch” was clearly not uttered in jest and Cynthia has gone full blown, bunny boiling psycho to prove it!  Cynthia clearly needs to take a “woosah” and Kim guides her to the back of the boat and promises to read the tampon scene from her “50 Shades” library book in order to calm the hell down.

The rest of the gang talks Porsha into half-ass apologizing to Cynthia, but the convo sinks faster than Cynthia’s marriage.  Porsha ends up calling Cynthia “fake as f*ck” in her snappy li’l underground railroad voice.  Cynthia attacks her “fake ass chin” (Da fuq?), ET fingers start waving, acrylic nails are poking, and then it gets physical.  Oh but it’s a playful type of thunder-punch you in the throat.  As the ladies grab each other, we are left hanging with “TO BE CONTINUED!”

Cynthia-Porsha Fight

Next week, the deck hand tackles bucking slopopotamus, Porsha, to the ground, Phaedra who wasn’t there appears to take Porsha’s side, and it looks like there will be Cynthia/Porsha face off at another dinner table from hell.

Sip-N-She’s A LOT, BRO!

The feud atop the Hilton Garden Inn picks up where we left off last week and all we could hope for was a shot of Kenya and She by Shereé careening over the top balcony ripping at each other’s weaves.  But, our hopes and dreams have been dashed, the rest of the ladies manage to break it up and Porsha, of all people, thinks that She by Shereé gets “turnt up quick” and she is a bit put off by She by Shereé’s man veins poppin’ outta her neck.  This from the woman who dragged Kenya by her weave all the way off the reunion stage and back to the cookie basket at craft services.

Peter and Cynthia don’t fare much better, he’s heated about everything he can come up with, including his wife showing off her junk in the trunk in front of the whole eyewear launch party going audience.  Never mind the double standard, Cynthia must lament… their issues run deeper than the ditch where Kenya’s new house is located.  The incriminating video of Peter manhandling a bar patron over mozzarella sticks is just a symptom.

Kenya meets with new cast mate, Kim Fields, who has an actual legit career in show biz.  Kenya worked with Kim on Tyler Perry’s “Meet the Browns”, and she insists that Kim take a look at “Life Twirls On” and possibly direct.  We learned that Kim Fields is good at playing along because she doesn’t laugh Kenya out of her place of bidness, and we learn that Kim is not a big drinker.  By the end of this season however, she may be.  I’m not sure how she is going to fit in with all the drama and ill social skills of her cast mates, but that will be a fun part of the unfolding journey ahead.  Kenya takes a few stabs at “Tootie”, implying that her old roller skates are not at the Smithsonian, but rather being hocked on E-Bay.  Kim is deft at ignoring Kenya, we’ll see how long that lasts.

Kim Fields

In other bidness ventures gone awry, Cynthia is skyping with her bidness partner, but she can’t focus on rehashing the eyewear launch party.  She is troubled by the fact that Papa Smurf hopped on the first plane back to Charlotte and that he is more focused on serving up sub-par liquid cheese covered nachos at Sports One rather than cultivating his marriage.

Porsha has also spearheaded a new venture, “It’s a fine line between trashy and classy lingerie”.  She too is having difficulty focusing, not because she failed her “Shapes and Colors” test earlier that day, but because she is straight up lovesick.  All she can think about is her man of the month, Duke, and she decides to throw a “sip-n-see” so everyone can meet her baby man.  Time is of the essence for Porsha in this relationship, especially since there are only 265 days in her calendar year.

Later, Phaedra meets up with Cynthia at a tea shop so they can hash out precisely how ugly Cynthia’s fuchsia and red dress appears to be, oh and also to repair their damaged “friendship”.  The two have much more to relate about, now that Cynthia has come to terms that she too married a deadbeat, lying, asshat.  All Peter needs now is a Cynthia Bailey Backpack.

Now for the moment we’ve all been waiting for, the “sip-n-see”!  Porsha is getting ready for her big event and finds out that her sister, Lauren, is 13 weeks pregnant.  Porsha is a bit stunned that Lauren got knocked up before she did and she hopes this won’t damper the enthusiasm over the party.  Of course not Porsha, Lauren won’t let this get her down.  She will show her utmost enthusiasm over your flavor of the month and she will put her silly little woes aside.  Everyone assembles for the “sip-n-see”, but when Duke arrives, they all yell “surprise”.  I guess it’s a “surprise-n-see”, am I the only one not understanding the purpose of this party?  It appears that Duke is on his way out of town and this visit at Porsha’s was intended to be a quick stop before his friend Ken dumps him off at the airport.  Ken pulls Duke to the side of this three ring shit show to refresh his drink and say…“She’s a lot, Bro!”

Porsha-Party

We are treated to snippets of everyone in Porsha’s camp talking about how the relationship is doomed.  Someone even took it to the next level and Googled “Duke Williams”, only to find he enjoys long walks on the beach and hanging out with transgender porn stars… not that there’s anything wrong with that!  Porsha tops off the night by taking the microphone and awarding Duke an “MVP” trophy, because he is the MVP of her life.  Then she proceeds to actually present him with a Lucite plaque that she had made for him.  Meanwhile, Duke is doing some Googling of his own, “Does the ATL airport have a “Quick Retraining Order” kiosk?”

Surrounding all of this were some happenings at the Kandi Factory, the staff gathered around the kitchen for a bacon snack and Kandi announced that the doctor has ordered her to “slow down”, but the restaurant opening is still on track.  Wait, wha?  A soul food restaurant that serves everything on paper plates and drinks in red Solo cups.  Brilliant!  Then the staff is tasked with planning a baby shower and Todd asks that Phaedra’s invitation be engraved with the words “Bitch Better Have my Money”.  Trusty assistant, Don Juan, offers to personally collect what Phaedra owes Todd for a percentage.

Bitch Money

In other happenings at the Kandi Factory, Phaedra and Kandi have a sit down in the plush cow-hide chairs to finally bridge the great divide of season seven.  Kandi starts out the conversation and starts tearing up immediately.  Let’s do a mini recap:  friendship one-sided…hurt me…hurt you…FBI…Apollo’s motorbike…can’t visit prison…too expensive…bitch you work four jobs…owe Todd $8,000… $5,000… $8,000…going once…going twice…AT THE END OF THE DAY…we were BFF’s…you saw the birth of my sons…I wouldn’t let just anyone see my coochie!  At this time, Don Juan returns from his break, overhears them, and walks away laughing.  The ladies hug it out at the end of the day, and call it a day.

Kandi Phaedra - Good Cry

After Phaedra leaves, Don Juan creeps back into the break room and shoots their heartfelt dialog to shit and he gets line of the night, “Y’all just sat here and cried like two girls from The Color Purple.”

Don Juan Color Purple

He feels that Phaedra’s performance was as thick as the bacon grease residue on the Kandi Koated walls and Kandi begins to question the entire conversation.