Pop Goes the Pimple

Siggy front and center doling out relationship advice to Rosie.  Rosie and Tre’s relationship is like a big pimple, she says, and Rosie must do the poppin’.  Siggy advice about as good as Dr. Phil.

dr-phil-blowhole

Because she can’t shut the hell up and there’s no buffet, Jacs weighs in.  As if we give a shit what comes out of her re-done face.  Rosie feeling positive, will fight to the death.  Siggy vows to do anything in her professional power to assist.  The Bravo mandated lunch of confrontation will happen, Rosie will drink ta dat!

In other boring news, Melissa and Joe visit plastic surgeon for botox to help with migraines.  Melissa thinks this is spending quality time.  Across the river, Asslee and Pete are fake apartment hunting in Hoboken.  Pete walks Asslee down by river, drops to knee and proposes.  Asslee of course says yes, but can’t muster up tears through her own Botox.

Asslee and Pete spring the news on Chris and Jacs.  Chris wishes Pete lotsa luck.  He gives a nice toast with marital advice “love comes first”.  No Chris, living within your means and paying your bills comes first!  My advice, RUN AS IF YOU’RE IN HELL.  AND YOUR SHOES AND ASS ARE ON FIRE!

Melissa and Tre are embarking on a fitness walk in their bubble gum pink Nikes.  Juicy Joe not handling impending incarceration well, his strategy is drink, drink, drink.  Tre’s strategy was denial, denial, denial.  She pretended nothing was happening, right up until the prison guards pried her lip gloss out of her sweaty hand and delivered her a butthole full of delousing powder.

Melissa welcomes Siggy with some free jeans from Envy and a spot of champagne.  Melissa so excited she and Tre on da right path, let’s do a mental health trip to Vermont!  Siggy looks like she would rather shower in women’s prison.  Melissa gently reminds her that Tre did just that.  She must stay local, that pesky parole officer thingy.  Tre arrives, has some champagne, but turns her nose up at the tray of sprinkle cookies.  Tre is hesitant to head to Vermont, the girls, Juicy Joe, and all…but Siggy puts on the hard sell like a game show host, all aboard the party bus to Vermont!

Jacs drops by Dolores’ gym for a visit, has a quarter pounder with cheese in hand like a dumb twat who can’t figure out why she isn’t losing any weight.  Dolores puts Jacs on the swinging ab machine.  They touch on impending wedding plans, Jacs can’t afford a big wedding, she is thinking a bounce house in the back yard and maybe some chicken and waffles.  Dolores already printing up gym membership certificate on her ink jet as wedding gift.

Tre, Jacs, and Siggy meet at Rails…a befitting place to go off said rails.  Siggy starts fambly intervention tawwwlk.  Tre starts singing, then quickly turns on the dagger death stare, “do all respect to both of you, I don’t fucken’ get involved in your fambly life, so don’t get involved in mine.  How do you say ‘capeche’ in Jewish?”  Tre ain’t havin’ it, Jacs needs to keep her 4th nose out of Tre’s bidness.  Flashback of Tre and Kathy fighting, Tre poor hair choices, wow.  Maybe that’s why she’s so mad.  Tre concludes she is not ready, actually apologizes for snapping at Jacs.  MIND.  BLOWN.

Siggy and Jacs visit the Wakile’s.  After Jacs sufficiently stuffs her face, she and Siggy dish on the meeting with Tre at Rails.  Kathy relives the fight and starts spinning out of control.  Melissa and Joe arrive just in time for this to get reeeeeeal ugly.  Melissa keeps putting kibosh on the convo because she’s done venting to the Wakile’s.  She’s in a good spot with Tre, so to hell with them.  Richie pipes up, implies Tre can’t handle the fact that Richie and Kathy have a genuine relationship.  Joe goes off.  Tongue doesn’t have bones, but it can break bones.  From the looks of that kiss Richie gave Kathy, her tongue give him a bone!

richie-kiss

Rosie goes off, Kathy always bearing the brunt of the fambly drama.  Joe can get behind the idea of a sit down, agrees to push Tre.

joe-blow-up

Tre meets Joe at a gym that is not partly owned by Dolores.  Tre starts pumping iron, Joe broaches lunch subject, Tre not interested after meeting with “Ziggy”.  Finally, Tre agrees to go if Joe goes…and if she doesn’t have to eat, talk, or stay.

It’s the day of the sit down at Rails.  Air kiss hello, Tre wearing her resting bitch face and Joe, his resting douche face.

tre-joe-lunch

Tre’s opening volley is basically, leave me the hell alone.  Forever, you rotten cancerous sketch balls.  When Tre attacks Richie, Kathy starts to lose it.  Tre snaps waiter head off…THERE WILL BE NO EATING!  NO I DON’T WANT CALAMARI AND GET AWAY FROM ME WITH THAT WATER PITCHER OF DEATH!  Here’s how the sit down goes in a nutshell [Kathy/Rosie played below by color red]:

Richie negative!  Put my cookbook in garbage!

I took it out!

DON’T GO THERE!

Here we go!

THERE WILL BE NO EATING!

Haven’t heard from you guys…no card while I was away…not even some ramen noodle packets or a cannoli with a file in it!

We asked to be on the list…

You go internet, google, Danbury!

YOU SHUT ME OUT!

You’re only sniffin’ around because I’m in public eye again!

ME:  WELL THAT WOULD BE SKETCH AS F*CK!

You shut us out

Cut the cancer out!

We’re not cancer

You don’t want to ever be a fambly again?

LOOK AT ME YOU SQUIRRELY BEYOTCH!

ME:  WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT USE THE WORD ‘UNATTENDED’!

I’m not beggin’ you anymore

We are an embarrassment

Wish you the best

TIME MENDS ALL

ME:  I’m pretty confident Joe has that tattooed somewhere on his body

Door is open

We’re still cousins, still blood

You ever need anything…

Check for million dollars

Gotta go!  Luv ya’!

rosie-kathy-lunch

Kathy and Rosie think they have possibility of healing this three-ring shit show, but Tre takes this sit down as closure.  She is obviously hurting, goes into the ugly cry in the car.  There’s not enough leopard print cold shoulder tops and body glitter in all of Joysey to heal this wound.

tre-ugly-cry

Next week, Vermont.  Melissa and Jacs fighting.  Jacs fights with an interloper, Tre’s friend Robyn.

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Crumb Cake

Siggy’s daughter clueless, no understanding why grandparents being Holocaust survivors is KINDA.  A.  BIG.  DEAL!  UGH…Kids today!  Enter Josh.  Yelling.  License.  Buy me car.  Get away from my butt and thighs.  Josh better toddle off with is “entitlement” segue and get the hell off my screen.  Later, Siggy has BFFL relationship with ex-husband, Mark.  Siggy fix Mark up with new mail order bride.  Take Josh out for birthday, Josh can’t wait to flee this pop stand to go get “turnt”.  Josh complains to dad about mom rubbing butt and thighs, but he admits he loves mom.  Keeping with “rewarding bad behavior theme”, Siggy and Mark reward Joshie with a shiny new SUV with, OMG, wait for it…BLACK.  RIM.  TIRES!  No idea what that means, but incites shrieking from Josh.  Must admit, car is nicer than any ol’ hooptie I’ve owned in whole entire pathetic life!

Melissa enters door, Joe attacks, do not pass GO, do not say hello to kids, do not collect $200 in single dollar bills.  Joe lost huge bidness deal.  Joe had to be a father instead.  Joe MAD.  Melissa equally as MAD!  Joe so friggin’ ol’ skewl.  Bitch.  Ain’t.  Havin’.  Any.  Of.  It.  You bring in crumbs, I bring in cake!  Oh.  No.  He.  Dinunt!

no-he-didnt

Later Siggy stops by, wanders in back door with soggy piece of mail left on stoop.  Probably a subpoena.  Siggy gives Melissa her best advice, marriage like car, no gas, no move, shpilkes in your genektagazoyk!  Siggy faith in Joe.  He will wear apron, he has worn dress!  Many dresses!  Later Melissa make Sunday Sauce and serve day old crumb cake to fill Joe’s gas tank.  Make Gorga’s all better.

shpilkes

Tre brings girls over to Jacs’.  Girls hang out with Nicholas, Milania showcases sensitive side and is very good with him.  Jacs and Tre kitchen for cawwwfeee tawwwwlk.  Nicholas unattended with Milana.  Wait.  For.  The.  Screams.  Of.  Terror.  Lucy-n-Ethel have moment.  Jacs does jump-n-straddle.  Tre grabs her butt and thighs.

Dolores learns Kathy and Rosie not invited to Tre’s book launch.  Kathy bigger fish to fry.  Daughter Victoria brain tumor acting up.  Kathy over Tre’s bullshit.  Rosie brilliant idea, crash book signing, grab Tre’s butt and thighs, mend fambly.

Lawyer stops at Goo-boo-chay house o’ homemade wine for weekly Juicy Joe gut check.  Juicy Joe spiraling further into oblivion.  To hell with fambly time!  Must.  Drink.  Every.  Last.  Drop.  Homemade.  Vino.  Before.  Liver.  Rejuvenation.  Camp.

Tre and Juicy Joe Thai yoga massage.  Perfect opportunity to have strangers grab butt and thighs.  Tre preps Juicy on story they’ll feed their precious dawwwters about his pending incarceration.  Juicy Joe burn Tre’s flag of delusion!  Tell da’ truth!  Precious dawwwters knew exactly where Tre went!  They know “going to work at prison camp to write book to pay for your college” is bullshit.  “They know everything, they got computers today, babe!”  Tre look like stunned mouse in Dixie cup!  She should.  When Juicy Joe tell you honesty is best policy, giiiirrrrl you know your shit is fucked up!

bitch-please

Night of book signing.  Dolores tell Jacs and Chris about Kathy and Rosie’s “guttural hurt”.  Dolores drops the bomb.  Kathy and Rosie crashing book signing.  It’s about to get ugly up in Barnes & Noble.  Tre situated at B&N, snapping pics, signing books for her 25 fans.  Two Joes cop a guttural squat in reading nook.  Juicy Joe not prepared for da’ big house.  Plan is to get in, get da’ f*ck out.  Head down.  Mind yo’ bidness.  Shower with your back to da’ wall!  Best prison advice, ever.  Or in any arena of life.

In face of Kathy and Rosie, Tre cordial.  Smiling.  Kathy like, “get my texteses?”  Tre is all “oh new phone, changed my area code, confused it with my bedazzled home arrest ankle monitor and threw it away, but whaaaa, no I always answer my texteses, never leave people hangin’!”  Rosie calls bullshit at the book signing, but nevertheless, invites Tre to lunch for Tuscan Trios at the Olive Garden Branch.

rosie-beggin

Jacs and Dolores pretend taking selfies while spying on slapdash shit show.  Tre’s time precious, can’t spare an hour for backbiting fambly cousins!  Rosie begging for crumb of Tre’s time.  Ugh, what won’t she do for Bravo paycheck?!?!?!  Tre would rather eat sprinkle cookies from flipped tables in Melissa’s re-done home with some prostitution whoo-ahh, than have lunch with her cousins.  Tre brushes them off with aplomb, returns to her line of 25 fans, and pretends they were nothing more than unsavory groupies.  Rosie meanders to reading nook, apologizes Juicy Joe, for “y’know, bein’ a douche!”  Juicy Joe don’t know what douche is, wants to go home, homemade vino to drink and da’ time is tickin’!

Next week, Pete proposes Ass-lee.  Tre snaps off Jacs.  Richie and Joe rumble.  Tre cuts ties Kathy and Rosie.

Downward Dawg

Melissa preps for grand opening of Envy, steps in dog poop, tracks into shop, wipes on low-rent Carrie Bradshaw’s tutu.  Gay assistant not sure what to do.  Jazz hands aflutter.  Back at Gorga home, inmates running the asylum.  Dog wearing British flag coat?  Joe self-admitted cave man, can’t find his way out of parenting paper bag.  Watching his own children for two hours, not in “Marriage Contract of Oppression” – not to be confused with Cynthia Bailey “Friendship Contract of Doom”.  Children being especially rambunctious, producers have plied them with pixie sticks and red bull.  Gorga spawn giving us full-blown, petal to the metal, nitro-burnin’ Milania!  Joe caves, calls Melissa, begging ensues.  “You’re dealing with clothes!”  Melisa match point – “Man up and figure it out!”

Gorga Kids

Across town, Tre headed to studio to record audio book.  Chats with lawyer, Google alerts!  Juicy Joe Mucinex slug is cheating bastard.  Nonsense, nonsense.  What is not nonsense?  Tre has paid restitution in full.  First step toward her independence…you watch.  She will ditch that slug of a husband by season 12.  Tre becomes emotional reading the dedication, can’t move past page vii.  Never mind emotions, smoking sound editing equipment due to mis-pronunciations!  CAN’T.  RECOGNIZE.  WORDS.  Tre faced with selecting book cover photo, reflects on her bad hair in a pick taken after removing prison “corn rolls”.  Tre reflects, prison doubles as marriage strengthener.  Juicy Joe showing more Mucinex slug style appreciation.  Book cover revealed, housewife to inmate, and back again.  Next stop, divorce book tour.

Downshift to Siggy squeaking, meets Jacs to stress eat French fries and drink wine.  Siggy issues, 13-year-old daughter selecting clothing from infant section, son covered in hickeys.  Upshift to Tre, Siggy likes Tre, talks without thinking.  Yea, all carnival fun-n-games until Tre eats your new face lift off.  Siggy rock climb date, plans to confront Tre on tabloid cheating rumors.  Jacs scary face, warns – ABORT – DO NOT ASK ABOUT TABLOIDS!

Later, Siggy confronts Tre about rumors, Tre handles like champ on surface, seething cauldron of psychosis bubbling underneath.  Knows Jacs is behind this.  Siggy offers her “relationship expertise”, here’s my card, I’m closed on Wednesdays.

Dolores’ daughter washing guinea pig in the good Tupperware in the living room.  She is in veterinary school, hence her love of bathing animals in containers to later be used for leftover lasagna.

Jacs and Chris at foreclosing McMansion.  Learn of new bidness venture, Little Kernel, GMO and gluten free popcorn for special needs children.  About as viable a market as alarming black water.  Jacs isn’t in it for the money, must push though, need butt lift.

Night of Envy party, atomic contouring, Spanx screaming.  Everyone exchanging pleasantries, Ass-lee calls out Tre 2.0 – it’s a joke, a fake, will the real Tre Goo-Boo-Chay please stand up?

Joe Gorga breaks ice by modeling red cut out dress.  All he achieves is casting high level of awkwardness over crowd and his lactating moobs destroy dress fabric.

Chris and Jacs elude to “get together” with Tre and Juicy Joe, smoke, drink, get foolish.  Tre can’t drink until February, li’l convict ankle monitor will spontaneously combust.  She may lose leg.

Moment we’ve all been waiting for.  Milania finally relieved of manscaping duty!  Flashback of Milania working the three speed back shaver, tells father, “you smell like raw cookie dough.”  I guess that’s better than smelling like taco grease and ass cheese.

Toenails

Tre assumes prison bitch pose and requests Juicy “DO YOGA”.  Juicy Joe assumes unsavory convict pose.  Flashback, Juicy Joe flexible as silicone oven mitt.  Tre hints cheating is not tolerated as she fastens her protective eyewear, cuts his toenails down to the quick, drawing blood.  Juicy upper lip sweating, snorting, grunting, saved by the bell.  Chris calls to invite them for dinner as long as it’s within the allowable traveling perimeter of Tre’s li’l convict ankle monitor.

Joe Yoga

Two weeks, the inevitable Tre and Jacs showdown.

This One Time at Band Camp…

Hello all – I really enjoyed last week’s style of breifcapping, so I think I am going to stick with it.  If it works…roll with it…AMIRIGHT?!?!?!

Tre in “world-wind”, can’t get enough endorphins and saratogans!  Juicy Joe sucks at side pony.  Good thing Tre back in action, getting shit done, wants to do yoga….buuuut…Juicy Joe caught putting bills and mail through shredder.  Tre not having it, has learned bills mean PAY UP BITCH!

Jacs awaits Tre to sign friendship contract, check box, “yes” or “no”.  Can’t wait and Chris can’t pretend to listen any more.  Jacs showing up at Tre’s door with peace offering by way of Starbucks.  Two trenta, no foam, five shot, half-caff, no foam, triple caramel bottom, spice top, NO FOAM, at 210-degrees.

Tre pissed, Jacs persona non grata.  Tre no makeup and looks descent, should go with this look more often.  Juice man happy to see Jacs, means he doesn’t have to do yoga.  Jacs feeling dissed by Tre.  Tre learned a lot “at camp”, prayed, read books, learned to forgive, learned to fashion dildo out of common household items.   New beginnings, we shall rebuild, possible new dildo bidness.  Lucy and Ethel, my ass.  Tre showing off yoga moves, glimpse of house arrest anklet in need of bedazzling.  Tre in good shape, Juicy like, Tree sore knees, um…EW!  Jacs shows Tre how to fashion knee pads out of provolone rinds and cooking twine.

Tre - no makeup

Melissa and bidness partner buying clothing for ill-fated boutique.  Melissa only want short and tight selections, partner clad in items from “Sex and the City” clearance bin, wants to appeal to older customer.  Agree to disagree, what the hell, who cares?

Envy

Siggy helping Dolores overhaul house and cleanse it of ex-hubby stank.  Siggy face de-puffing, excited to meet Tre.  Jacs shows up, more screeching, caterwauling.  Dolores spots blotches, hives.  Jacks all aflutter, she is rebuilding friendship with Tre.  All right with world.

Meet Dolores’ ex hubs Frank.  Frank hotter than stripper on mid-day pole.  Wagering Dolores and Frank are “friends with benefitting”.  Dolores’ kids nice.  Scene stealer is Elizabeth, Dolores’ grandmother, 102 years old.  SHE.  IS.  EVERY.  THANG.

Tre allowed out of her McMansion to meet Siggy for first time.  Siggy over the top, but Tre diggin’ her leopard-print fashion and leather fringe halter top.  Learn Siggy has two kids and on second marriage to “real man on EVERY LEVEL”.  Party planning for Dolores.  Day of party.  Everyone all leoparded out.  Kathy and Rosie arrive, awkward leopards.

Weird party game ensues.  Melissa tell bizarre story how Joe want to give Dolores bone back in day.  Tre’s turn, makes Dolores and Jacs act out story from prison “camp dorm”.  All women drunk as f*ck, except Tre who can’t drink, pesky thing called probation.  Story about women getting it on at “camp”, Jacs licks Dolores’ face.  Tre continues story, she smelled fish and witnessed heinous act.  All non-drunks categorically mortified.  Highlight of episode, Rosie’s gruff voice in the background “why would it smell like fish?”

Drunk Melissa

Drunk Melissa mother*ckin’ Gorga is out in full force and effect.  Tre drives drunk Melissa home.  Next week, Joe worried Melissa will fail, Jacs and Chris still broke, tabloid rumors threaten rock solid foundation of Tre and Juicy Joe.

You Do the Time

Sorry I am so late this week, my actual job was a real bey-otch on wheels and delayed my RHNJ recappin’!  Since this is now old news, I will do a mini-cap:

Jacs crying, Dolores comforting, Tre new lexus getting.

Tre bed, bath, and beyond a hot mess.  Waxing Milania’s eyebrows.  Gotta look good for Holiday pics to be sold exclusively to People Magazine rags.  Tre flat beyotch broke, bidnesses in da’ crapper, gotta pay da’ billz.

Juicy Joe idiot.  Thinks Christmas is celebration of Jesus’ resurrection.  Flames shoot down from skylight, set his tank top and back hair on fire.

Tre follow Melissa into kitchen where knives are kept.  Tre no change one bit.  Tre dragging up painful Christening memory.  Tre stranded on Gilligan’s Island?  Melissa think Tre should have shut down rumors about her like illegal day care.  Argue, screech, pinky swear, hug it out, got your back…for now.

Tre Melissa Kitchen

Dolores in therapy, bad luck with cheating men, she is detective by nature, apparently Dolores did not sign HIPAA form at reception desk.

Jacs too many espressos, Ass-lee puffy face like her mom.  Moving out, Jacs recklessly loud when she gives Chris monthly sexy time.  Ass-lee, Pete, and her cold shoulder sweater have their own needs that cannot be fulfilled in the foreclosing McMansion.

Melissa’s boutique taking too long, Joe irritated with part-time wife status, Joe turning into Mr. Mom and he has begun lactating.  Ummm….EWW!

Tre had to cut own toenails in prison, received ingrown toenail, hurt worse than child birth.  But she didn’t let the time do her, she did the time!  Tre invites Dolores for New Year, Dolores wants to have “girls’ dinner”, invite Jacs, stage set for Tre/Jacs face off at another Bravo mandated dinner from hell.

Jacs hosts sad reject party for the non 36 people invited to Tre’s.  Jacs sporting serious camel toe in pleather pants looking like stuffed sausage, nasty yeast infection of epic proportion ensues.  Rest assured Ass-lee, your step father won’t be getting any loud action for the next 4 – 6 weeks.

G to the ia wants to go out with friends for New Year’s Eve after being catapulted into adulthood.  Girl wants to cut loose.  Her drunk Juicy Joe father doesn’t care and wants the “little fathead” home by midnight.  Dolores must make getaway as well, invited to two parties, what to do?  I know, have hostess of Bumpin’ Party A call hostess of Reject Party B and have incredibly awkward speaker phone conversation.  Cousin Rosie hears convo on speaker phone, Rosie spurned.  Rosie slosh her bourbon all over floor while making resolution to be the biggest beyotch on wheels in 2017.  GO ROSIE!

Jacs reject party

Shout out here to Jacs’ friends, Herman and Mina.  Two sit quietly in the corner wondering what the hell this camera crew is doing around them.

Dolores arrives Jacs’ reject party.  Ponders returning “Li’l Snooki Bump-It Kit” to QVC.

Dolores torn

G to the ia gets home by 12:15 a.m.  Juicy Joe level of intoxication = sobbing mess.  G to the ia cries in her grandmothers arms at the thought of the year ahead.  This gives me a case of the sads.

Next week… Dolores birthday party, Melissa mother f*ckin’ Gorga comes out to play, Jacs pulls a “pop in” on Tre with two hot, steaming Starbucks in her hands.