Chocolate Bunnies

Well this week, we received an Easter basket full of chocolate bunnies gone HAM!  We received some ghastly penis based insults, a reflective wig tuggin’ trip down memory lane, and the cherry on our Sunday….prison masturbation.  Let’s jump right in with the low-lights:

  1. Overboard

Revisiting the shit show that was the boat outing where everyone was calling each other beyotches and ho’s, Cynthia and Porsha admit they were turnt up, meaning hammered on Hennessey and orange juice.  We revisit one of my favorite fisticuffs, She by Shereé’s infamous “wig tug”, which she claims was just a “shift”, a helpful “adjustment” if you will.  Whilst they are talking about Kim’s wig – meaning Kim Zolciak, Kim Fields is looking around as if she is lost in a corn maze.

Anyhoo…Cynthia and Porsha continue to diagram the altercation as if they are in advanced placement English, trying to diagram complex sentence structure.  Between the wrist grabbing, the acrylic nail finger pointing, the straddle, the gut kick, and the security tackle, they finally agree they were both at fault.  Although Porsha wants to point out that she suffered “contusions” all over her body.  She just wanted an excuse to use the $5.00 word she learned at the CVS Mini-Clinic.  Kenya brings up something about Porsha pulling a Naomi Campbell on her assistant and Porsha fights back by accusing Kenya of seeing a one-eyed African.  Is this “one-eyed African” the latest Urban Dictionary slang term for a penis or is this an actual African man wearing an eye patch?

  1. Mommy Dearest

We revisit the painful rejection Kenya faces at the hands of her biological mother and Porsha just doesn’t know when to shut up.  She has been trying to figure out why Kenya is such an asshole, and thinks the deadbeat mom is the reason.  No, she is just a plain ol’ garden variety asshole.  Kenya claims that lack of her mother’s love is not her problem, in fact she had such a wonderful upbringing with the love of a fantastic father!  Raise your hand if you are confused, hasn’t one of Kenya’s main storylines been mending her relationship with her father?  Phaedra looks about as bored as the corpses she embalms.  The prosecution rests, this oatmeal pie face is half-baked.

  1. Papa Smurf on the Prowl

We continue to beat the dead marriage horse and Papa Smurf joins the stage to somewhat defend his position, but not really.  He spends all of his time in Charlotte canoodling with his staff, but hey…he and Cynthia are great!  OHAC whips out his hard-hitting investigative journalism skills and notes that they sound, well “separated”.  Peter actually has the stones to compare himself to a soldier who leaves for duty and doesn’t see his wife and family for months.  As if being away while serving up mozzarella sticks in paper food boats and canoodling with underage bar patrons is somehow the same?  I think Peter is still smoking whatever he bought in Jamaica and was able to sneak through customs up his asshole.

Cynthia supports her ol’ crusty hubby by complimenting his cheating acumen, Peter would be more discreet if he was up to no good.  Porsha keeps pushing after Peter and advises Cynthia that Peter pays his waitresses pennies, er uh… penises, you know…Dick Dollars!  Somehow Kenya gets involved and she and Porsha go at it.  They hurl tasteless insults at each other, something about lying on your back to make a small piece of change.  Porsha says something about a “dry piece instead of wet piece in that ditch”, I have no idea what the hell she means, but it Sounds.  Just.  Gross.  Kenya tells her to shut her mouth “if there’s not a dick in it, you don’t know what you’re saying.”  Porsha snaps back with a really distasteful “What about that dick you tuck every day before you come to work, beyotch!”  Peter exits stage left and makes room for Ayden, which is such an appropriate follow up to that sacrilege!

Stupid mouth

Ayden helps Andy host the show for a minute by asking questions which OHAC whispers in his ear, but then suddenly…out of the mouths of babes…he asks his mama “why are you here and when are you coming home?”  Mama has to make a buck, chile…as OHAC sends him off to raid craft services.

Ayden OHAC

  1. Phaedra Gets Her Groove Back (Chile…she never lost it!)

The next low-light focuses on Phaedra and she is pressing on with her divorce and she will complete her Match.com profile when the paperwork is final.  As a sidebar:  I notice that the set is decorated entirely with all of the items featured in the annual Pier One “teal” catalog.  You know the one…

Anyhoo… Phaedra is on the fence about taking the boys back to visit Apollo in the clink, she said there were inappropriate things going on in the back row, and of course OHAC asks the question we all had on our minds, “like what?!?!”  After the Bravo Intern wiped the drool from his chin with a Jimmy John’s napkin, Phaedra answers the question “someone had their hands in someone else’s pants…ahem…masturbation.”  Isn’t that technically a “hand job”, or in Phaedra speak “digital stimulation”.

Either way, it’s gross and not something Ayden needs to learn.  We need to keep that kid cute and innocent as long as possible!

  1. Party Crashers

The final low-light we will cover is the discussion of Tammy’s nephew…Glen, who Kenya invited to the Miami party house.  Phaedra pretty much called it here by pointing out what we all know, Kenya wanted him around, but when he rebuffed her poor excuse for flirtation, she wanted him out.  Kenya denies, accuses Phaedra of always trying to paint her as a “wanton hussy”.  The ladies don’t disagree that Glen was acting crazier than a bed bug and should have been asked to leave, but Kenya kept pushing the issue, poking the hornet’s nest as Kim called it.  Kenya is always so quick to call security at the sight of an errant coochie crack, but in Miami Kenya kept pushing Glen for a reaction while security was already handling it.

Kandi, of all people, starts defending Kenya because “at the end of the day”, it was Glen who was acting crazy right out of the gate, throwing gang signs at a pregnant woman.  Sigh…at the end of the day…I think Kandi needs a break to hit the dressing room and use her breast pump.

Kandi - defending

Next week Nene makes an appearance in a nude illusion, jewel encrusted, cat suit (someone please show this woman a mirror!)  The house-hubbies hit the couch and Kim Fields shouts “PLAY.  THE.  EFFING.  TAPE.  BACK!”  The supersized part three will be worth it just to see Kim come about as unglued as her wiglette.

Advertisements

Better From the Tap

It’s reunion time, finally!  After a long, arduous, season about…well much ado about nothing…we have reached part one of the pinnacle.  As you may know, dear reader, I am not going to detail blow-by-blow of the reunion, for fear that my nerves will collapse and your head will explode.  Let’s hit the low-lights of part 1 of 187:

  1. Baby Talk – OHAC stars by asking Kenya if the pregnancy rumors are true, and we don’t mean her new pups King and Twirl…he means Kenya…and of course she will not confirm or deny the rumor. If Kenya is with child, we are going to need Phaedra to get Jesus on speed dial, and even he may not be able to fix it.  Somewhere in the ATL, Matt is googling “how to get into the witness protection program”.

We learn that Lauren has given birth, making Porsha a proud aunt.  Kandi is looking rather fantastic after delivering Baby Ace.  Reflecting on Kandi and Todd’s pregnancy journey, Kenya attempts to knock them down by chastising Todd for taking a bidness call during the early sonogram.  Kandi defends her man, she ain’t trippin’ and isn’t one to pass up a check.

We are treated to some unseen footage of Todd tasking the breast milk out of a bottle, and OHAC lets his freak flag fly as he exclaims…“It’s better from the tap!”  [insert sound of needle scratching off record here].  Annnnnd…How.  Exactly.  The.  F*ck.  Do.  You.  Know.  This?  Somewhere in St. Louis, Evelyn Cohen has died from embarrassment.

How do you know this

  1. Shady Bunch – There was a lot of shade thrown this season and the award for best shade goes to none other than Shaedra Parks. We are treated to a montage of shade thrown, and Phaedra’s impersonation of Kenya is first rate.  Just getting to revisit this clip of Phaedra twirling like a dervish in her 4th of July outfit is giving me new life.
  1. Frienemies? – Where are Phaedra and Kandi with their on-again off-again romance? Phaedra sent flowers when Baby Ace was born and she brought Kandi some chicken fingers, but forgot the honey mustard.  READ:  UNFORGIVABLE!  Kandi was offended by the attacks on Todd, but Phaedra was a little miffed about her soon to be incarcerated husband’s hidden assets in their garage.  Cynthia takes her moment to get some screen time and explained that she thought Phaedra knew Apollo was keeping stuff at her and Kandi’s homes…annnnd this is the only thing Cynthia has to say all night.  She must be conserving energy for when Papa Smurf joins her because previews indicate she will need to defend her janky marriage.

There was another matter of the money Phaedra owed Todd for her workout video, OHAC points out that Phaedra wouldn’t lift a finger for She by Shereé’s divorce proceedings until she had that full retainer in her hand, cash and/or money order.  Phaedra goes on to say that she received a shoddy final product from Todd, thus requiring extensive editing.  Blah, blah, blah…translation = the video will not even be going straight to DVD.

  1. Tootie Your Own Horn – Kim Fields needs an extra semester at the Skewl of Read, but she is learning to stand up for herself and finally participates in a bit of confrontation now that she is securely on the reunion couch, at least 15 feet away from “Oatmeal Pie Face” [READ: Shaedra to Kenya].

Oatmeal

Kim showed composure and class when she complimented Kenya on her comedic talents demonstrated in the “Life Twirls On” pilot, however it went south quickly after Kim  got to know Kenya and deemed her unworkwithable.

Kenya thinks she and Kim have comparable careers, but OHAC points out that Kim has been a star since she was a child and well into the ‘90’s, whereas Kenya was merely a Miss “whoesseh?” in 1990.  READ!

Who SA

Kenya claims that Kim is on her stage right now, of which Kenya is the star and Kim is low man on the totem pole.  Kim is looking around confused, she has zero f*cks left to give, because she is due at DWTS for a costume fitting in an hour.  Kenya criticized Kim for speaking about herself in third person, which is freaking laughable coming out of that cauldron of oatmeal pie face.  Talking about herself is about the only skill Kenya has, oh and interrupting and talking over others.  Kenya keeps interrupting and since she is no longer allowed to bring props, she starts clapping her hands at Kim like a rabies infected baby seal.  Kim is temporarily possessed and points her warning finger at Kenya, and with an “I freaking dare you” tone, says “say something!”

SaySomethin

What Kenya doesn’t realize is that Kim is a committed mom prepared for any situation, she has Ziploc bags full o’ cheddar goldfish under her couch cushion, she is wearing leggings as pants underneath her gown, and she is ready to spring into action and kangaroo kick Kenya in her oatmeal pie face.

Whew…glad that’s over!  Kudos to Kim for finally “bossin’ up”!  Next time, the hubbies join the stage for more drama.

A Festivus for the Rest of Us

We open this week with Phaedra deciding she is going to throw some sort of odd combination party that will encompass the holidays and the fact that she is filing for divorce from her unhinged, power drill wielding, convict husband.  Regardless, this will be a Festivus to remember since she is enlisting the help of Dwight, party planner extraordinaire.  Send Dwight skipping off to Hobby Lobby with his 40% off coupon and fire up the hot glue gun, there is no stopping him!

Porsha stops by to check in on her bestie Phaedra.  Phaedra informs her that she is going to perform a clog dance at said party.  Porsha shrugs it off with utmost disinterest, as if Phaedra has said something insignificant like, “I’m considering buying generic Ziploc® bags.”  Now, I ask you dear viewer, what kind of a bestie is this?  I would certainly want my bestie to ask me if I was out of my ever-lovin’ mind and please reconsider said clog dance performance.  I suppose there are more important matters on Porsha’s insipid mind, such as the story she ran across at Dish Nation about the Feds busting down Kandi’s door in order to seize Apollo’s motorbike and then busting down Cynthia’s door for his collection of Bicentennial coins.  Apparently, Apollo owes the government a hefty sum of restitution, so Counselor Parks is not surprised…or did Phaedra drop a dime to the Feds?  More on that later…

Kandi is due in seven weeks can she can barely hoist her ass up into Todd’s F250 pickup truck.  As they ride to the cemetery to pay respects to Todd’s mother, Kandi fantasizes about getting a boob job and a reduction so that her breasts don’t look like pancakes with a single raisin on the end, hanging on for dear life.  That’s an interesting analogy, excuse me while I get my cheese grater to scrape that image off my brain.

Pancake boob

Anyhoo…they arrive at the cemetery and we learn that Ace will have middle name of “Wells”, which was Sharon’s last name.  They place the flowers at the gravesite and we see the tombstone, which reads “Sharon Joel Wells – A loving mother and life of the party.”  And that she was…

Matt stops by Kenya’s house and he brings her two puppies, which he purchased as a gift for her.  Kenya names them King and Twirl and then places them on the floor to roam the house as if they have already been living there for six months.  Kenya is trying to pick out something to wear to Phaedra’s holiday party and we learn a very critical fact here, Kenya grew up as a Jehovah’s Witness, so she never celebrated holidays.  Why have we not heard about this before?

Cynthia enlists the help of her sister to move furniture around and set up a massage table so that she can have a romantic evening with Papa Smurf, since Cynthia has decided she can stomach him without clothes.  Peter arrives home and Cynthia announces she will be his masseuse for the evening, happy ending and all.  He is immediately down for that and can’t get his clothes off fast enough.  Cynthia is grossly massaging him, talking about “that special area”, and this is almost too much for T.V.

Then, FOR THE LOVE GOD…Noelle and Leon walk by.  Jezzuz Cynthia, we don’t ask you for much, could you please be sure your daughter and ex-husband have left the area code before you start pummeling your hubby’s pocket monkey?

Thats Gross

As we wrap up this rather lackluster finale, it’s the night of the Festivus for the Rest of Us party.  Phaedra poses Ayden on a pedestal as “Elf on a Shelf” and he is tasked with sitting on a high, wobbly column all night, unattended, handing out li’l bundles o’ coal.  Phaedra also hired Ms. Juicy Baby & Li’l Bit to babysit Dwight.

Festivus party

The only things worth mentioning this miscellaneous Festivus is the meeting of She by Shereé, Tammy, and Bob “Crazy Eye” Whitfield.  Tammy and her Miley Cyrus braids lay it out and ask Bob why he told She by Shereé that they hooked up and warns him not to glare at her with “dat bad eye”.  He claims he “never had sexual relations with that woman” and pleads ignorance due to brain trauma.  Tammy swills her corona and insists that these two “should just get back together” and then clomps away to get in line at the temporary tattoo table.

She by and Bob

Porsha and Shamea show up in paper-thin onesies and furry boots, looking like two penguin tweeners headed to the local rave.  Kim is speechless and Kandi is too busy looking for the chicken finger platter to care.  Kenya walks in dressed in some horrifying green Grinch makeup and she is teeing up the drama for the reunion, asking everyone who they think called the Feds.

Grinch

After Phaedra Phails at her clog dance, the episode ends with the summaries of where each woman is today:

  • Kandi and Todd have their baby Ace and her body allegedly “snapped back”, but she still doesn’t know who called the Feds.
  • Porsha is ready for her stint on Celebrity Apprentice (and we use that term “celebrity” very loosely).
  • Kim is headed to Dancing with the Child Stars
  • Kenya is still working on Moore Manor, complete with a nursery and a fake husband.
  • Cynthia and Peter are still a work in progress and Noelle is in therapy after seeing her mother massaging Papa Smurf’s private parts.
  • Phaedra continues to dial the Feds, and she has not taken the boys back to visit Apollo.

Next week – part 187 of the reunion, Nene prances in wearing a hideous body suit and the ladies read each other like a shady Harlequin romance novel!

The Calm After the Storm

The crew is back in ATL after their stormy Jamaican adventure.  All seems right with the world now, because they have all retreated back into their natural habitats, separated from each other by the electric fence.

In Kandi-Land news, she has been holding down the ATL fort awaiting her new addition, which is due in seven weeks.  She announces that she is having a boy, but we already knew this since Ace fought his way out of her chicken fried womb months ago.  Kandi, Mama Joyce, and Todd sit in the waiting room discussing how short the baby will be when he grows up, but Todd is in heavy denial about being vertically challenged.  He’s a 5’4” man trying to pass himself off as 5’9”.  Dr. Jackie bounces in looking like she just came from the annual municipal Easter egg hunt.  Seriously, her dress is very cute, but doesn’t seem fit for doctoring, shouldn’t she be wearing a lab coat and ugly Crocs?  But, I digress… the more dreadful item of significance here is that Dr. Jackie feels that it’s appropriate to tell Kandi and Todd, in the presence of Mama Joyce, about alternative ways to get their freak on, despite Kandi’s pregnancy belly.  When Dr. Jackie suggests something “on the side” or “hanging over the kitchen sink”, Mama Joyce recoils in horror.  Now would be the time to wield the Walmart Wedgie of Death in Dr. Jackie’s direction!

In case you missed it, Mama Joyce be like…

Disgusted face

Kandi reveals that they plan to name their son Ace Wells Tucker and Dr. Jackie approves – sounds like a guy you want to go golfing with, or a guy you might see doing 8 – 10 at Fort Dix.  Kandi reveals her inspiration was a deck of cards, Ace is highest and lowest, he is the first and the last, he is the end-all, be-all, Ace is the Place for the helpful hardware man!  Dr. Jackie reminds Todd to get the “push gift” ready, “We like diamonds, no chips, and we don’t like the number to start with one either!”  Translation = No Scrubs!  Todd gives the death stare and Mama Joyce giggles because now she thinks Kandi will finally get the diamond ring she deserves instead of that ol’ two carat piece of Cracker-Jack rubbish he used to propose.

In Kenya-Land, she and Matt are checking on Moore Manor, Delusional Dilapidated House of Horrors.  Matt is eyeing up a prime parking spot and a place for his Nordic Track, but Kenya is pushing for diamonds first.  With Matt being a personal trainer, that diamond may start with the number zero and end in a 0.25.  Kenya’s Aunt Lori comes by to assess the merchandise, meaning Matt, and she evaluates his shoe size, because you can tell a lot about a man’s intellectual prowess by his shoe size… ahem… Kenya sends big-footed Matt off to do some fake carpentry work so that she and Lori can gossip about him.  Kenya tells Aunt Lori that she has a new process for “vetting” her men (plural), and we are treated to a flash back of Walter, the disgusting tow truck driver that never could.  Kenya has clearly fired her old makeup artist because she is much more camera friendly now.  Looking back, it’s painfully evident how staged the whole “Walter” thing was, what a dolt.  At least Matt is easy on the eyes and seems like a nice person, even if he is just a prop.  Aunt Lori wishes Kenya lotsa luck, provided she doesn’t send Matt screaming for the hills.  These two are dressed like some strange version of Southern Belle, Frail International Spy meets Wayward Kid ‘N Play Groupie…can someone get some space heaters up in this beyotch?!?!

Kenya-ramshackle home

Later, Matt takes Kenya to “The Melting Pot” restaurant, where of course she’s a little put off by having to cook her own food in the fondue pot.  Ha, wait until you get home and come to find out that your $300 dress and $8 weave smell like an amalgam of old cooking grease, beef, and onions!  Kenya starts quizzing Matt on his past and he confirms that all of his wild ways are far behind him.  Kenya admits she is no spring chicken and has already started saving her eggs.  Matt believes she is referring to the eggs laid by the wild chickens living in her unfinished home and that she is saving them to cook him breakfast in the morning.  If he had fully understood her, I have no doubt he would have melted his face off in the hot fondue pot.

Porsha, well she’s an idiot.  She is preparing for a photo shoot for her new ultra cheap-n-cheezie lingerie line.  She has a phone conversation with Johnnie, her Creative Director and they are discussing the body types that will be photographed.  Porsha says “it wasn’t set in see-men”, no your photos won’t be “set in semen” until they are filched out of the recycling bins by hungover Waste Management employees.

Thankfully, Johnnie has his Porsha stupidity decoder handy and he is able to translate “it wasn’t set in STONE”, he then comments that she has the brains of a paper cup, which may be giving her too much credit.  On the day of the photo shoot, Porsha proves that she cannot handle running her empire without Lauren.  She dicks around in hair and makeup and bullshitting with Cynthia for too long and she runs out of daylight for the outside shots.  Cynthia, the ever the consummate professional, pulls off her indoor shots within a few minutes.

In other Cynthia news, she visits Kim and we get to see a sample of the ‘mercial, but it’s about as cheap-n-cheezie as Porsha’s lingerie.  Cynthia Bailey Eyewear, cheap ass sunglasses that will break right off your head after one wear.  But enough about the ‘mercial…Cynthia uses the opportunity to revisit the “your husband is fruity or gay” discussion, but Kim is totally over it.  Cynthia makes one last-ditch effort before filming the 12 part reunion to reiterate that she had no part in that conversation.

In Phaedra-World – she is moving forward with her divorce from Apollo and debating if she will take the kids to see him now that he is moved to Fort Dix.  Phaedra drops by Kandi-Land to keep up the pretense that they are mending their friendship.  Kandi is dressed like she’s going to a rootin’ tootin’ hoedown to take a nap…

Kandi-hoedown

 

…and Phaedra is cloaked in Cookie Monster’s toilet lid cover.

Phaedra-cookie cloak

Phaedra gifts Kandi with some nipple cream whilst giving her the scoop on the Jamaica trip, which is Phine by Phaedra because she has no plans of discussing the Apollo situation with anyone.  Everyone has already been up in her bidness far too much, “more than my gynecologist has been in my vagina.”

On to what is really important here and that is the “Ayden cam!”  I just can’t get over this kid, and his cute, adorable voice is enough to melt my cold, dead heart.  Phaedra is heading to Fort Dix to see Apollo, which will be the first time since the day he became unhinged in the garage and lunged at her with a running power drill.  Phaedra doesn’t tell the boys why they are in Philadelphia, in the event they cannot get into the prison because Phaedra has gone commando.  Baby Dylan has come a long way and his personality is asserting itself.  This kid ain’t goin’ back to baby Kar-ah-TAY…and you can’t make him.  He has already achieved his black belt and he will deliver a toddler sized foot to your face if you don’t back off!

Dylan Ayden

Dylan and Ayden are being lovey dovey brothers, Dylan giving his big brother kisses is just too cute for words.  Ayden is playing with Phaedra’s iPad and asks “Can you please get me one of these?  I really need it for work and business.”  When Phaedra asks, “what kind of business?” he says “Unexpected business.”  Sounds like he has picked up a thing or two from his father’s “shady bidness”!

When they arrive at Fort Dix, cameras are not allowed, so all we see is that Phaedra’s mother has waited in the car for 2 ½ hours, while playing 100 rousing rounds of Bejeweled Blitz.  Phaedra returns with the boys, calling their visit “interesting”.  She asks Ayden to comment on daddy’s hair and Ayden says “I did not quite like it”, apparently Apollo has a Mohawk and a tattoo of a single tear coming out of his left eye.

Phaedra is hesitant to visit again, the boys were antsy and Apollo is refusing to sign the divorce papers.  SHOCKER!  Next week, finally…the season finale!  Looks like some sort of holiday party gone horribly awry!

‘Mercial Mishegas

This week, it’s all about the ‘mercial and the gang boards another party bus from hell to head out to Kingston for the night.  Cynthia straggles in with Malorie and reveals she is pissed as hell because some “really super awesome person” told Kenya that Cynthia was denying their friendship.  That means YOU, She by Shereé!  She by Shereé’s head whirls around, exorcist style, and she immediately goes into defense mode.  Phaedra pulls a classic, well, Phaedra!  She sits in the back of the bus quietly sipping her double Daiquiri, waiting for the sparks to fly.  Cynthia becomes emotional because her backbone is broken, once again.  She is thrilled to have Nene back in her life and, well damn it, she shouldn’t have to choose which life draining drama queen takes precedence in her life!  Porsha just wants to have fun and points out that there is enough Cynthia love to go around.  Cynthia agrees and rattles off a list of the women, noting how all of the friendships are different, but she neglects to mention Kim.  Kim flies into a hilarious tirade about not being mentioned and screams “STOP THE BUS”.  Points to Kim for bucking the Bravo patented formula for drama by not making “not being mentioned on Cynthia’s friend list whilst on the party bus from hell” into a six week story line.

Nene offers to pay Kenya a visit when they get back to the resort, I’m sure that will go about as well as Trump’s toupee fitting.  The gang arrives in Kingston to visit Papa Smurf’s aunt and uncle and chow down on some good ol’ barbecued goat.  It is here where Phaedra starts to hint that Kim’s hubby, Chris, is a bit “sassy”, setting us up for the cliffhanger…more on that later!

The ladies inquire about Papa Smurf’s temperament when he was young because they just want to understand why he is such a douche nozzle.  Peter reveals he only received the wrath of his father a few times, and he was called “Elvis” and he didn’t even know his name was Peter.  Wait, what?  Anyhoo, as the goat feast winds down, Kim announces that the call time for the ‘mercial is 10 a.m. sharp, and anyone is welcome to attend.  Kim warns Phaedra and Porsha to leave the butt floss at home and dress conservatively so as not to detract attention from the product.  Marketing wiz, Phaedra insists that “booty sells” and ends up showing up at the ‘mercial shoot commando and Porsha wears a bikini two sizes too small.  More on that later…

Meanwhile, back at the resort, Kenya and Matt go to the hotel spa and Kenya gives Matt her entire personal history of cast mate drama whilst soaking in the hot tub.  Matt is clearly Kenya’s latest ass brained chucklefuck who agreed to be Kenya’s boyfriend in exchange for camera time.  As Kenya drones on and on about Cynthia, Nene, and the broken friendship contract that never was, he looks like he’d rather take a chainsaw to his insides.

Nene pops by Kenya’s room to rip her a new asshole, but things go fairly smoothly and Nene convinces her to join the rest of the ladies for a nightcap by the pool.  When they arrive, Cynthia apologizes to her and professes her undying love and friendship for Kenya in front of the group.  Smart move…witnesses!  Since Kim is smartly getting some rest before the big ‘mercial day tomorrow, the girls decide this would be a perfect time to gossip about Kim and perpetuate rumors about her hubby, Chris.  Phaedra says he is sassy “He’s definitely got a little fire in his fireplace”.  Nene points out that Chris has a lot of personality that Kim doesn’t have, and Kenya cheerfully chimes in, “they call him ‘Chrissy”, “in the industry”.  She must be referring to the defunct work out video and fake hair product “industry”.  Insinuating that Chris is attracted to men is once again Kenya grasping at her rapidly dwindling supply of straws.  She has used this maneuver a few times, Walter – the tow truck drivin’ fake boyfriend, Kordell – Porsha’s ex, and now Chris.  Heads up Matt…you don’t know it yet, but you’re on your way to being labeled as a gay man!  I really wish a unicorn on roller skates would roll in and impale Kenya and deflate her stupid, stupid ass.

Of course Cynthia and She by Shereé both confess to the camera that they want no part of this gossip, but neither one will shut it down in the moment.  Bravo must have a gag order on common courtesy.  The only one who chimes in to save this ill-fated line of conversation is li’l Porsha, who says she never got a “gay vibe” from Chris.

Meanwhile, the manly men hit the bar to have a drink and Matt joins them.  Gregg’s low grade beaver tranquilizer hasn’t worn off yet and he keeps calling him “Max”, while Papa Smurf drills Matt for deets on his upbringing, his blood type, and his inseam measurement.  We find out that Matt is only 28 years old, which sends the ATL men reeling.  Peter has a son that age, Gregg has older sons, and Chris has jeans that age.  Dayum, Kim needs to clean that closet!  The best part of this insipid scene is effin’ Bob Whitfield sitting and staring at I don’t know what because his crazy eyes can’t keep up!

Bob-crazy eye

The men are also shocked that Matt doesn’t have any kids, as if birth control is a foreign concept to them.  Matt grows tired, has words with Papa Smurf, and shuts it down like an illegal day care center.  Matt asks him to take a walk, but Peter is about 20 deep into his case of Red Stripe and he can’t risk breaking a hip, so he gives his standard line, “keep it movin’!”

The next morning, Kim is prepping for the ‘mercial and Chris has left the building due to his monthly tap dancing lesson and sewing class.  Kim has flown in her assistant director, Ham.  Gotta love a man named Ham, sounds like he knows how to get shit done!  Cynthia arrives camera ready and Kim goes to town, directing like a boss!

Kim Directing

Back at the resort, the rest of the gang is getting liquored up before piling on the party bus to head out to the ‘mercial location.  Phaedra starts questioning Kenya and Matt about their spa day, insinuating they did inappropriate things in the hot tub and Matt is squirming, because this acting job isn’t what he signed up for.  To hell with them, I’m with Gregg, who wins “most super awesome person” on this bus trip, because he has already checked out for his ol’ man mid-morning nap!

Kenya reviews the call sheet and notes that she isn’t listed, so naturally she takes umbrage and criticizes Kim by calling it “amateurish”.  It’s about 2:45 p.m. and a bad storm is rolling in, but Kim has faith it will pass as the party bus of extra rejects rolls up.  Kim is wrangling the group, and Kenya bitterly realizes she isn’t needed and decides to head out to sea to sulk on a paddleboat with Matt.  Nene and She by Shereé play stylists, and as they stand ashore clutching the bangles from wardrobe, they speculate why they only see Matt in the boat.  It appears Kenya is taking part in an oral transaction with Matt, rather than being supportive of her alleged BFF, Cynthia!  Priorities, beyotch!

Kenya paddle boat

Once they get back to shore, Kenya asks Matt how the men treated him and he called them beyotches and says that “the two ancient brothers” antagonized him by throwing cheap shots and shade, but Matt actually admits he was overly aggressive.

Kim wraps her production by 6 p.m. and everyone is very impressed after watching Kim in her element and directing the shit out of that ‘mercial!  Cynthia announces that she has ordered up unlimited mini-taquitos, lettuce wraps, and Jell-O shots for a wrap party that evening, while Kenya continues being jelly, sulking on her lounge chair with her fake boyfriend.

At the ‘mercial wrap party, Phaedra decides there’s no point in putting on clothing and she shows up in her slip.  Kenya joins the ladies and reveals that Matt is only 28 and Phaedra reacts in her usual way, “Guuuurrrl, you gonna be in the post office, there’s gonna be an alert on you!”  Matt saunters over to play pool with the men and he hands Papa Smurf his 18th Red Stripe as a “peace offering”.  The men make up instantly and now Matt has backup when Kenya turns on him.

Cynthia gives Kim props for her directing work and thanks everyone for being in the ‘mercial.  The subject changes to Chris, and everyone is going on and on about how talented, funny, and uuhhh-mayyyyzzz-ing he is.  She by Shereé, claims she is allergic to fake shit and feels the need to keep it real.  So the Chris chatter is more “fake” than She by Shereé being on a couple’s trip with her crazy-eyed ex?  Oy vey, what can ya’ do…who gon’ check her, boo?  She by Reaching Hard for that Peach blows the lid of the fakeness and tells Kim that things were said about Chris being “fruity or gay”, wow…she didn’t pull any Hawaiian Punches with that revelation!  Kim be chowing on her lettuce wraps like…

Wait What

Annnnd we are left hanging with “to be continued”!  Next week, Kim is ready to cut a beyotch after the fall out from She by Shit Stirring, Kandi and Todd work on their OLG menu, a Kenya/Kim showdown, and a Nene/Kenya standoff.

Brow Beat

This week, we continue to beat dead horses, we attend a “beat-less” brunch, and Kenya is deserving of a serious beat down!  Kim has made her weekly Costco run and along with her accoutrements for another excruciating group brunch, she has bought out the entire supply of makeup remover wipes.  For that is the theme of her ill-fated “Beat-less” brunch.  Apparently, the word “Beat” is a new-fangled slang term for setting your makeup gun to “whore” and applying more spackle than is needed to patch the holes punched in your walls after your spouse learns he is going to prison.

Kim greets her stylist, Victoria, whom she should fire tout de suite by the way.  Kim loves Victoria’s “great hair”, which explains Kim’s wig choices.  Kim dubs Victoria “the brunch whisperer”.  Victoria shouts “JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL”, after Kim describes the group of heathens she will be hosting.  Her first tactical error is sending out a generic broadcast voice mail announcing the brunch.  If she is going to disallow lashes and Louboutin’s, I think that warrants a personal call.  We see each woman listening to the message and having their own version of melt-down, f*ck her, oh lawd, whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout, Willis reaction.

Kim - Victoria

Kandi and Todd are preparing to review baby duties and Todd thinks the extent of his daddy duties will be changing one diaper per day and being sure to wipe out all the “creases”.  They discuss hiring a nanny, but Kandi prefers a manny.  I think she should move Don Juan into her mini-mans and let him do all the work, he’s already her li’l beyotch.  Todd says this is his first time having a baby “from scratch”, but he’s going to have a rude awakening when he finds out it’s not like following an OLG Mac-n-Cheeze recipe.

An instructor from “Baby Steps” arrives and Todd shows off, he’s got this, he been “Googlin’ stuff”!  The woman from Baby Steps tells Kandi she is still nursing her own son at 19 months, “he asks for it by name”, she says proudly!  This revolts Kandi and Todd…oh and me!  This is wrong on so many levels, what name is he calling “it”…annnnnd I think if the child is old enough to converse, it’s time to move on to a sippy cup!

Meanwhile, across town…Phaedra and Ayden are making a birthday card for Apollo in an attempt to show that Phaedra is still pretending to GAF about his relationship with the boys.  Phaedra gives Ayden some stickers, but he says screw that, I want glitter glue!  A kid after my own heart!  He’s a little too excited about using the glue stick, I hope the young toughs haven’t taught him about huffing in the Boy’s bathroom!  Phaedra later visits her divorce lawyer and she is ready to move forward, but not ready to take the boys for a prison visit.  Randy Kessler, divorce attorney for everyone in the ATL, comes in representing Apollo, but he expects this to be fairly open-and-shut.

At the Cynthia Bailey Agency, school for wayward models, Cynthia meets with her team regarding the eyewear collection and she is ready to take it to the next level by way of a commercial.  One of her cronies is wearing sunglasses indoors and NOT from the CB collection!  She whips him into shape and gets her team on board for a Kim and Kenya commercial collaboration.  Her vision is beaches, sand, and cocktails and my vision is another Bravo mandated group vacation from hell spread out over the next six episodes.

It’s the big day of the “Beat-less Brunch” from hell and everyone is on their way, of course wearing some form of makeup.  Kandi is sporting her Urkel glasses from the Cynthia Bailey collection and her lip smacker in chicken-n-waffles flavor.  She picks up Kenya, who is rebelling by wearing her usual heavy makeup, but frankly, she needs it.  Her face looks like the surface of Mars.  Something about riding in Kandi’s big F150 gets Kenya all riled up, she is insulted and prepped to arrive at the brunch, guns a’ blazin’.

Guns Blazin

Phaedra arrives at the party in a “natural beat” and Kim tells her to “check your lashes at the door!”  Porsha arrives all made up straight from work, and has a Skype sesh right after with some rando she met in the parking lot.  Porsha distracts Kim by sussing out the smell of the fried chicken and making a beeline for her assigned seat.  Cynthia is about as Au natural as she can be, but probably the only one that would look descent without any makeup, however she needs to address her roots.  She by Shereé arrives with her signature top knot and claims that her face is always “beat” makeup or no makeup!

Kim looks like she is weary and tired from cleaning cheese doodles out of the couch cushions, but she has never really spackled herself up for the camera.  Cynthia uses the opportunity to “touch base” with Kim and Kenya about directing her eyewear commercial and announces she has planned a group trip to Jamaica.  Everyone is excited and Phaedra throws some shade by saying she will need to consult with Kenya on her contacts at “Rent-a-Date”, she will need a three day special.

Kim distributes the goody bags, comprised of items she picked up at the “Dollar Spot” at Target.  Each woman receives a compact mirror, a notebook, and pen so they can write a poem about natural beauty.  I get it, it’s corny as f*ck, but Kenya doesn’t have to act like an unwashed asshole all the time.  Kenya starts giving some makeup history lesson, something about Egyptians, and her makeup being an expression of herself.  Jeezuz… If you are playing the drinking game at home, the word is BEAT!  You have been BEAT to death.  Your blood alcohol content is lethal, please call an Uber and proceed to the nearest emergency room.

Kenya - Umbrage

Kenya just can’t STFU and eat her shrimp-n-grits, NOOOOO…she must “take umbrage” with Kim.  Clearly, Kim has hit a nerve with this no makeup thing and Kenya should have stayed home in her rat-infested halfway house.  After the “umbrage” comment, Kim counterblasts by giving Kenya her best “dead in the eyes” look, shrugs, and says “OK”.  Kenya combats by calling her “dismissive” and Kim explains she was just swallowing her food.  With that, the ladies start to excuse themselves because it’s going to take each of them three hours to take their makeup off.

Kim - Brunch

Later, Cynthia sits down to meet with Kim and Kenya, and she picks a public place to avoid any overt confrontations.  Although, crisis is averted because Kenya is a no-show. Cynthia calls Kenya to see if she is en route, but she is met with a “noooo I’m not going to make it”, as if Cynthia’s pitch meeting was tantamount to a Skype sesh with Porsha.

Kenya is allegedly dealing with a crisis at her broke-down rat-hole home, but we see that the “crisis” is entertaining her latest “rent-a-date”, Matt.  She invites him over to perform some “handy-work” so he can feel “needed”.  Translation = Matt is holding a drill and walking around free ballin’ in his sweatpants.

Kim is totally profesh, she shows Cynthia some storyboards and delivers a polished pitch.  Cynthia emphasizes that her eyewear line is the gateway to her “accessories empire” and she insists on having Kenya involved.  Kim makes it very clear that she is usually Producer/Director, she does not co-direct, and she is not interested in working in a negative atmosphere.  Annnnd let’s face it, Kenya is the conductor of the train that’s a rollin’ straight to crazy town, but Cynthia is hell-bent on a collaboration.  Cynthia is stupid and the gateway to her accessories empire will not be within reach if Kenya is involved.

Next time, the gang heads to Jamaica, Nene shows up, and Kenya alludes to Kim’s husband being “fruity”.

The Bloop is Back

I’m not sure what’s going on with the ATL here, but I am finding this crew to be about as entertaining as watching paint dry.  Half the cast spends hours packing their things so that they can go drag their toddlers all over Washington D.C. and attend the Million Man March for like…a hot second…annnnnd the other half is just full of ill-conceived outfits and ideas.

The only person worth mentioning here is Ayden, who is very concerned about how he will fit the entire contents of his toy chest into his Louis Vuitton suitcase and still have enough room for his suit, bowtie, and a sensible pair of shoes.  Since Phaedra is on camera, she accepts the incoming call from inmate Apollo Nida.  He has a nice father/son talk with Ayden and tries to offer some discipline from prison to encourage his boy to behave at school.

Across town, Moore Manor is not coming along.  Kenya is supervising some dude drilling in screws and Cynthia arrives in a yellow hard hat and her best olive green gown she scavenged from her Mrs. Roper Collection.  She creeps up the rickety steps in her olive drab ballet flats, and Kenya admits the construction is behind.  Cynthia sees an air mattress and a hot plate in Kenya’s future.  Kenya gives her the scoop on “Kenya’s family reunion” and Kenya is now closer with her father than ever before, but the kamikaze visit to her deadbeat mom’s house did not go so well.  Cynthia understood Kenya’s attempt at gaining some closure and she heaps out a lovin’ ladle o’ sympathy for her BFFL.

Later, Kenya is confronted by her Aunt Lori, but the conversation doesn’t begin without a healthy goblet o’ wine that looks like it has fermented a century too long.  Aunt Lori is upset about being put in the middle of Kenya and her own sister, she tells Kenya that enough is enough, to let it go.  Kenya explains that she won’t stand to live her life, as if there is an elephant in the room and she couldn’t stand how her mother was around her at family functions, but pretended she didn’t exist.  Annnnnd here we thought deadbeat mom was just absent…turns out she was actively snubbing her own daughter in person for years!  Aunt Lori explains that the family did confront Patricia, but to no avail.  Kenya admits she did get some closure by pounding on the unanswered door, they all calm down and hug it out.

In D.C., we see that Phaedra has a small village accompanying her – hair and makeup, stylist, nanny, trainer, nutritionist, and psychic.  Kim however, has an iPad and some Jeri Curl and won’t be ready to board the party bus to Capital Hill anytime soon.  Phaedra has her cast mates in tow, including Porsha and She by Shereé, but they call Kim and find out she still hasn’t gotten dressed yet and her boys are playing with Legos and are covered in cheeze doodle dust.  Ayden announces into the phone “over and out!”  This kid really needs his own show.

Phaedra meets with Congresswoman Frederica Wilson, whom she lovingly dubs, “Flaming Uncle Sam”.  The Congresswoman wears a flaming red sequined cowboy hat that she obtained from the Cynthia Bailey Independence Day Collection and she looks like she should be emceeing Bingo at Hamburger Mary’s.  Congresswoman is thrilled to meet “Toot Toot”, a.k.a. Kim Fields, who I am sure loved being referred to with a slang word for flatulence.  Meanwhile, Porsha hears “toot toot” and is looking around for the Underground Railroad train.

Senator

The ladies sit down and the congresswoman begins talking about how African American boys are stereotyped.  Kim gave congresswoman the “church finger” and she hauled her children out to have a “Come to Jesus talk” because the conversation was not suitable for her boys.  Phaedra, however, doesn’t have the “luxury of sugar coating reality for her sons.”  Counselor Parks does have a point, with their father incarcerated and having it all documented on national television, those boys have already had a hard dose of reality.

Church Finger

The next day, Phaedra drags everyone to a formal sit-down lunch at the Congressional Black Caucus and the boys ain’t havin’ it.  Ayden is already irritated, “They don’t even know what I like…I’m totally eating at the hotel!”  Kim has to step out again because her children are fussy.  She by Shereé checks on Kim and insinuates that Kim is being disrespectful to the hosts.  Kim doesn’t feel it’s disrespectful to care for her children, annnnnd a storm is a’ brewin’.

Kim smartly scheduled a charity event, so she gets to cut out early and skip the actual Million Man March.  She by Shereé’s 19 year old son shows up, he is tall and handsome, he looks like he would smell like musk, determination, and Trident Minty Sweet Twist.  Porsha is wearing her best Skype outfit and she is drooling like a baby on a pacifier.  Leave it to Counselor Parks to point out that he is “legal”, but leave it to She by Shereé to Check Her BOO!  “Legal for WHAT?” she snaps!  At the actual March, it’s Porsha who needs a nanny.  Thank goodness Phaedra’s team is prepared, they hand Porsha a fun size bag o’ Cheez-Itz and an Underground Railroad coloring book.

Meanwhile, back in the ATL, Kandi and Todd arrive at the gathering of the “Ol’ Lady Gang” for the family dinner.  The plan is to butter ‘em up like hot biscuits and get them sold on the restaurant idea.  Mama Joyce welcomes Todd with a big hug, but her motives are clear…she is behaving because she wants to be kidnap Baby Tucker.

Todd has a solid bidness plan…Kandi has a book of recipes, red Solo cups and dixie flatware are cheap, so why not open a restaurant!  Mama Joyce goes stone faced and Aunt Bertha gives an “Aw hell naw”.  They talk about it a bit more, confirming that the OLG’s don’t have to work in the restaurant, they just have to lend their likenesses to the signage.

OLG Poster

Cynthia and Papa Smurf are prepping for a special guest, Cynthia’s long lost BFFL from another life… none other than NENE!  Cynthia is acting nervous as if she were prepping for a first date.  Nene rolls up in her Maserati and the illest-fitting outfit I have seen since the shredded cover ups worn by Phaedra and Porsha in Miami.  Nene saunters into the kitchen, buttons and cut-outs puckering, and hubby Gregg trails behind.  Gregg actually looks pretty good, as if he has lost weight.  Nene must still be keeping him locked in the basement on a steady diet of water and wonder bread balls.

Nene and Cynthia review their fall out, being hurt, etc., and THEN…Cynthia makes a major faux pas and calls Kenya “her girl.”  Nene feels “somekindaway” about that and Cynthia immediately downshifts into Stepford mode and backpeddles, saying nobody compares to Nene!  Ahhhh, some things never change!  Nene is excited about meeting “Rudy”, no “Tootie”… and I am sure Kim will be thrilled to meet another overblown drama queen who can’t discern her from the little girl character on the Cosby Show.  Cynthia mentions that Kandi is pregnant and Nene makes some side comment about feeling pregnant because she hasn’t pooped in three days!?!?  WTH?  Get that woman some Ex Lax and return that outfit to Johnny Weir…STAT!

Nene - shes back

Next week, Kenya flirts with her handyman, Cynthia attempts to make an eyewear commercial, and Phaedra considers taking the boys to visit Apollo in prison.  Kim holds a brunch, requiring the ladies to wear minimal makeup, which sends Kenya twirling.

50 Shades of Mama Drama

The first shade of mama drama this week revolves around Kandi, her impending son, and her own Mama Joyce.  Sidebar:  Kandi’s son, Ace, has arrived into this world!  Let’s hope he and Ayden become BFF’s and rule the ATL!  Snoopy snow cones and bowties for everyone!

Anyway…Kandi and Mama go crib shopping and all we learn here is that Mama intends on having her own crib so she can monopolize the baby, but Kandi is more focused on the crib style over function because she plans to give the baby’s room a complete re-decorate every six months.  Kandi slips and lets Mama know about her fallout with Counselor Parks, and Mama Joyce revs up her Wal-Mart Wedgie of Death swingin’ arm and plans to pay Phaedra a visit.  With Kandi being “high-risk”, she and her Wal-Mart Wedgie will take matters into their own hands.  Kandi gives Mama the stink eye and a hard “NO”, but Mama DGAF (doesn’t give a f*ck) and is already in an Uber on her way to the Counselor’s office.

Mama Joyce arrives and we are treated to a flashback of Mama’s last visit to the Counselor’s office where she admonished Phaedra for introducing “two short people with big heads”.  Phaedra gives her a wary welcome because she knows Mama Joyce ain’t droppin’ by for tea and crumpets.

Phaedra - Wary

They discuss the fallout, and Mama drops subtle hints that she just might thunder punch Phaedra in the face, “I don’t want Kandi to have any problems, I would never want anyone to do anything to hurt her, or to cause her to be upset in any way, because you know Mama Bear…you know me.”  Phaedra whips out a Phunerals by Phaedra Prayer Cloth, blots her brow, and assures Mama that she and Kandi have taken counsel from Life Coach, Matt Foley and they are back on the right track.

Back on Track

Mama disguises her death-wish visit by asking Phaedra to assist in planning a baby shower for Kandi.  Lawd Jezzuz…it’s a fire!  Phaedra loves an element of surprise with any party she plans and they brainstorm a few ideas and come up with “Coming to Atlanta”, which will incorporate lions, tigers, bears, wild wildebeests in pillowcases, and hopefully a sighting of Dwight’s party plannin’ nose!

Later, Phaedra stops by Todd’s office to check on progress of the pregnancy work out video she never plans to release.  She is not pleased with the quality of said never to be released video, but she is more than pleased to whip out her arsenal of insults.  She keeps jabbing at Todd about how his jobs are dried up and he needs the money, so she will cough up the $8K.  Phaedra ain’t sweatin’ it, she has JOBZZZZZ.  This is all being nicely established for reunion fodder, after Kandi sees the things Phaedra said about her huzzzband, I am sure she will show up with props in the form of her own Wal-Mart Wedgie of Death.

Phaedra clues Todd in on the big baby shower plan and asks Todd if he plans to be in the delivery room.  Phaedra revolts him by reenacting every gut wrenching, flesh shredding, intestine twisting detail of her own c-section.  I surmise this is just to continue to make Todd look like a miniature dolt who DGAF about the baby.

In other inappropriate Mama Drama, Papa Smurf has a mystery date planned for his bride and Cynthia has her daughter, Noelle, helping her pack for the trip.  Call me kooky, but I don’t think it’s appropriate for Cynthia to ask her daughter for packing advice for her makeup-sex romp in Mexico with Papa Smurf.  Umm…EW!  Let alone asking Noelle what she thinks about her giving Peter another chance.  The two discuss their relationship philosophies and Noelle reveals she is “one and done” typa gal, piss her off and she’s done…Adios…in an Uber to the nearest Sports One to get fondled by the staff.  Umm…EW!  Cynthia gives her some lecture about commitment, this from the woman who thinks divorce is an option.  Blah, blah, blah…Papa Smurf and Cynthia are off to Mexico, sans cameras.  Which is really a win-win – they get some privacy and we don’t have to look at them acting gross this week.

In the “not yet a Mama Drama” portion of our show, Porsha is “sexercising” with her trainer “DP”, Umm, EW, and Lauren arrives at Porsha’s request.  Porsha pulls her aside for a stability ball summit to discuss the fact that Lauren is slacking on her personal assistant duties and missed a delivery of some of Porsha’s janky lingerie, which cost Porsha Enterprises $4.00.  Lauren, whom I have lovingly dubbed “bitch ain’t havin’ it”, throws down a masterful counterstrike;  a) she’s pregnant, b) who else is going to put up with Porsha’s bullshit, not steal her money, and agree to fly coach? and c) who in their right mind is going to delouse Porsha’s wigs?  Porsha is a bit dumbfounded and mumbles something about beating around mulberry bushes, but the two appear to be at stability ball impasse.

Stability Ball Summit

Later, over grocery store flowers and a Costco apple and caramel dip tray, Porsha offers a half-corn-fed ass apology.  Turns out that our trusty Counselor Parks talked some sense into Porsha, “jobs come, jobs go, but sisters are 4-EVA!”  Lauren admits she was hesitant to tell Porsha about her pregnancy for fear that her loving sissy would “feel some typa way” about it.  “Typa way” meaning Justin Bieber jealous, Oprah Winfrey childless, and third shift hooker continually being stood up on Skype, typa way.  Porsha assures Lauren that she is all good in the hood as she begins pummeling her face with apple slices and ladling gobs of caramel dip down her gullet, in an extreme eating challenge typa way.

Kenya’s ongoing Mama Drama continues as she is planning a family reunion in Detroit.  This is all a bit heavy, but we get a humorous part here where Brandon gives Kenya shit about dating losers and he does an impression of Walter the tow truck drivin’ flake.  Kenya is able to laugh about it, and I am dejected because I had finally eliminated that tired story line from my psyche.  Kenya takes her entourage, which includes her father, nephew, and step-mother on a tour of Detroit in a space bus.  Oh, whadda ya’ know, they are right in front of Kenya’s deadbeat mom’s home!  Her dad wants her to let it go and reveals that Kenya’s mother, Patricia, abandoned her because her own father didn’t want his child having illegitimate children.  Ronald and Patricia were only 16 and unwed when she got pregnant and she had to pretend Kenya was not her child.  In light of this, I would venture to say that Patricia is probably in a great deal of pain over this as well.  However, our dogged li’l Kenya has the white-hot determination of a 1,000 suns.  She takes her earrings off and heads off to beat down deadbeat mom’s door.  As Kenya goes to the door, we see that Bravo has put a modesty patch around the whole house to protect Patricia’s identity. Kenya knocks and demand Patricia open up, but she only hears the sound of 18 door locks engaging.  Brandon watches from the window of the space bus, salivating with anticipation, but of course, deadbeat mom never answers the door.

Party Bus - deadbeat mom

The next day is the family reunion and it seems that Kenya has plenty of family to go around on her father’s side.  She has left Patricia in the past, no matter how heartbreaking.  What reunion wouldn’t be complete without custom tee-shirts printed for everyone that read “Kenya’s Family Reunion!”  Oh Miss USA, you are so cheeky in your self-absorption!   Kenya learns that Aunt Lori has hopped in an Uber and split after 10 minutes because Aunt Lori is upset that Kenya attempted to make contact with Patricia (Aunt Lori’s deadbeat sister).  So, I presume we can look forward to a confrontation scene next week between Kenya and Lori.

Next week, the Million Man March, annnnd as I suspected, a Lori/Kenya stability ball showdown, and Nene returns…BLOOP!

Commander of the High Seize

Kenya decides to skip up the road a piece to antagonize her favorite neighbor, She by Shereé.  She by Shereé is seen sweeping her front porch since she still doesn’t have the keys to the front door.  Kenya taunts her by running around the unfinished home trying to get inside.  Girrrl-puh-leaze, have you not seen She by Shereé snatch a wig?  Kenya realizes her wig-glue is nearing the bitter end of its 12 hour staying time and she stops the chase to have a serious conversation that ends in a bet to see who moves into their dilapidated broke-down home sooner.

Chateu.jpg

The last to move in has to sweep the other person’s front porch.  Kenya then invites She by Shereé to join the crew on a boat outing on Lake Lanier.  Kenya touts the celebration as some sort of odd, ill-timed, bachelorette party, part two for Cynthia.  Yes, for Cynthia, who is contemplating divorce.  Oh hell, we all know this is a patented Bravo mandated outing to get them all stranded at sea, drunk as “Da fuq”, and fighting like rabid mountain goats.

Meanwhile, across town, Porsha and Phaedra have taken the training wheels off their respective skankmobiles and they meet up for some adult shopping at an eclectic store called “Junkman’s Daughter”.  It’s full of gently used role playing gear, marijuana paraphernalia, and ammo.  Sidebar:  Phaedra looks like she just crawled out of the dollar bin at Goodwill, somewhere… Rachel Zoe is lit-truh-lee die-ing.

Zoe Died

Porsha wants to buy a sexy outfit that will allow easy access to her fish taco in preparation for her Skype sesh with Duke-y puke-y, but Phaedra warns that she is making it too easy for the li’l tyke and should play hard to get.  The “prey is sittin’ there waitin’ to be caught, lyin’ on the bed in her socks!”  Counselor Parks’ words ring true as we later see a stood up Porsha, fretting in her sparkle bra and tartan plaid mini.  Porsha phones Counselor and receives a sage diagnosis, “the thrill is gone, Chile!”  Translation = the boy fled for the hills after that creepy, cheerleader, Lucite trophy presenting party you threw him.  Now put your big girl clothes on and update your Tinder profile.

Phaedra later hosts Kim Fields and children for a play date and Phaedra has a lifeguard on staff so they don’t actually have to watch their kids.  Lawd knows Counselor Parks can’t be gettin’ her weave wet!  The two ladies chat about carpool and making delicate sandwiches sans crust.  When Counselor Parks drills down to the essence of who Kimmy really is, the two find themselves dabbing Kimmy’s tears.  She has no friends, she has lost her identity in being a REAL housewife, (oh the irony!), and her goal in life is to not look or smell like unwashed asshole.  Phaedra suggests they have a day for themselves, “nothing to do with our uterus, but just you and us.”

It’s the day of the boat outing and Kenya has arranged for the gals to travel in two separate shade throwing cars.  Kenya picks up Cynthia and her “stray”, Tammy Browning.  Tammy is a hood-rat who claims she has no idea what “throwing shade” means and she claims that Bob Whitfield (She by Shereé’s ex-hub) is her BFFL.  Then, in a masterstroke of bitchery, Tammy says that She by Sheree is nuthin’ but a gold digger and only married Bob for this NFL cash.  SHADE THROWN!  For a shade throwing rookie, beyotch got a strong arm!

In the other mini-van ride from hell, Kim has a chance to chat with Kandi and discuss how much she admires her bidness woman status and her adult toy line.  Kim is beating around the bush (pun intended) and she asks about Kandi’s “products”.  Kandi encourages her to try the vibrating panties, but Kim doesn’t like wearing underwear.  Kandi suggests starting small, a “tiny instrument”, so as not to intimidate her hubby, but Kimmy’s quandaries continue…she is very LOUD.  Okay…someone get Tootie some social skills…STAT!

Everyone arrives at the dock and Captain Don, Commander of the High Seas, is ready to take the wild mountain goats out for their spin.  The crew starts drinking immediately and heavily, except for Kim and Kandi who do not imbibe.  Kenya is off to a roaring start and could not be a more ungracious host.  She announces to the group that Shamea Morton, (Porsha’s stray) is persona non grata because she was not invited.  However, it’s perfectly fine that her BFFL Cynthia brought stray Tammy, who is creepily annoying and has more disgusting feet than Claw-dia.

Tammy hones in on Kandi with laser focus… “I met you 20 years ago when you were with X-Cape”, “do you have a label?”, “I’ve got to get my son (who is managed by none other than Bob Whitfield) in the studio with you!”  Kandi shuts it down like an illegal day care center – no budget, no discussion.  She by Sheree shows up and the awkwardness between her and Tammy is as thick as Porsha’s corn fed booty.  Tammy keeps talking in her deep man voice and reveals that her hubby is white, in fact he is the “whitest man in America, Nazi white.”  Porsha is like “da fuq?”

DaFuq

Kim tries to sneak away to read her library book and eat her pre-packed snacks, because throwing back countless shots on a speeding boat with a crew prone to fist fights ain’t really her jam.  Kenya catches her, confiscates her library borrowed copy of “50 Shades”, and casts her Ziploc containers overboard.  How dare she bring her mommy snacks when Kenya has catered this lovely affair with pre-packaged dry goods from Trader Joe’s!  The rest of the gang is equally as sloppy and Kenya and Shamea get into it over a towel.  Shamea calls it a “fake towel”, comparing it to the fake products at Kenya’s hair line launch.

Kenya pulls a handbrake turn and puts a screeching halt to any fun being had.  She calls Shamea out about the negative energy she brings and Shamea counters with “okay Miss America”.  Which of course that sends Kenya over the edge, twirling up to the Captain, and she demands to have Shamea escorted off her boat.  Captain Don, Commander of the High Seas, is all like “Da fuq?”

The group elects Cynthia to attempt to talk Kenya down and as she rises to the occasion, Porsha lets off a playful “bitch” to Cynthia, since all of these stupid bitches have been playfully calling each other “bitch” all damn day, but NOW Cynthia decides this “bitch” has crossed the line!  Never mind this “bitch” or that “bitch”, here a “bitch”, there a “bitch”, everywhere a “bitch bitch”, but this particular “bitch” was clearly not uttered in jest and Cynthia has gone full blown, bunny boiling psycho to prove it!  Cynthia clearly needs to take a “woosah” and Kim guides her to the back of the boat and promises to read the tampon scene from her “50 Shades” library book in order to calm the hell down.

The rest of the gang talks Porsha into half-ass apologizing to Cynthia, but the convo sinks faster than Cynthia’s marriage.  Porsha ends up calling Cynthia “fake as f*ck” in her snappy li’l underground railroad voice.  Cynthia attacks her “fake ass chin” (Da fuq?), ET fingers start waving, acrylic nails are poking, and then it gets physical.  Oh but it’s a playful type of thunder-punch you in the throat.  As the ladies grab each other, we are left hanging with “TO BE CONTINUED!”

Cynthia-Porsha Fight

Next week, the deck hand tackles bucking slopopotamus, Porsha, to the ground, Phaedra who wasn’t there appears to take Porsha’s side, and it looks like there will be Cynthia/Porsha face off at another dinner table from hell.

Blood, Sweat, and Shade

We kick of this week Phaedra “treating” her dear friend Porsha to a colonic.  I’m sorry, but when any friend of mine “treats” me to something, it doesn’t involve blasting my asshole inside out.  Phaedra, however, couldn’t be more excited to have her bunghole hosed out.  Porsha is a colonic “virgin”… which is the only sensible quality she possesses.  Phaedra wishes Kenya could be there because she desperately needs one… “she’s so full of poop she’s two shades darker”.  If I didn’t know any better, I would say that sounded a tad racist, but ya’ gotta love Counselor Parks, #ZeroPhucksGiven by Phaedra.

Phaedra and Porsha twerk in the changing room in order to start prairie doggin’ prior to the procedure.  Phaedra holds Porsha’s hand to take her mind off of the small mountain lion being birthed out of her ass.  They vent about the trash talkin’ at Duke’s sip-n-see and Phaedra dishes on her one on one with Kandi.  Meanwhile, across town…Kandi dishes to Todd about the one on one and all he wants to know is if Phaedra cut a check while she dropped by the Kandi Factory.

Cynthia greets her hunky ex-baby daddy, Leon, so they can interview a tutor for Noelle.  Noelle will be going into signing and acting and will be home schooled, but the first tutor they interview is too cute for Noelle, but just right for Cynthia’s shameless flirting.  They decide he can’t have the job because for the love of all that is good and descent, the last thing we need is Cynthia bangin’ the tutor on the wicker futon in the guest bedroom.  Anyhoo…Leon gets Cynthia alone long enough to question her about video-gate starring Papa Smurf, but he encourages Cynthia to fight for her marriage at all costs.

Porsha is running in a “Celebrity Track Meet” and we are clearly using the term “celebrity” very loosely.  Before arousing an adolescent boy in the stands, the camera man should have told Porsha that her leggings are hanging on to her ass by a thread and we can see right through them.  Kandi shows up, I am presuming for support, because there is no way Kandi is running unless there is a hearty platter of chicken fingers with honey mustard dipping sauce at the finish line.  Porsha runs her race, doesn’t do too well, and she gets smoked like a crack pipe.

After all that excitement, Porsha frets to Kandi about Duke because all her friends are encouraging her to do a preliminary pre-check on him.  Porsha compares it to Kandi and Todd, but Kandi glares at her like she swiped the last chicken finger and explains that she actually got to know Todd before she went all in on him.  Not to mention that she met Todd at work and not over Instagram.

Kenya meets with Marlo “Check My Charges” and an event planner named “Passionate”.  Kenya is launching her hair care line via the “Kenya Moore Hair Care Experience.”  We learn that Passionate planned the Cynthia Bailey eyewear extravaganza, and Kenya has faith that Passionate will make even more fabulous.  I think Kenya emphasized to Passionate about 100 times that she wants it to be freezing in the venue, which of course is foreshadowing for the sweltering heat box that is the Kenya Moore Hair Care Sweatsperience.  Marlo has a serious “fix it Jesus” talk with Kenya and advises her to squash the beef with She by Shereé.  She notes that neither one of them have any manners and that’s why they are butting heads like two motherless goats.  Okay…ahem…you know when Marlo “check my charges” Hampton is the voice of reason, your shit is f*cked up!

Kim is prepping for Kenya’s event and she and her hubby, Christopher, are excited to get out for the night and be away from the kids.  Kim is a bit nervous because she hasn’t done a “girls night out” since 8th grade.  Christopher teases her about not having any friends, but based on her wardrobe selections, that may be true.  Clearly Kim’s definition of “Getting the Look for Less” is looking like a broke down, blind, Mrs. Roper.

Kim - Getting Ready

The Kenya Moore Hair Care Experience is underway and the guests are sweating their weaves off.  Porsha and her friend Shamea climb up three floors of rickety stairs to enter the burning inferno, only to discover that the product bottles are filled with water.  Apparently Kenya’s staff of one (Brandon – that means you!) thought this was a bottled water line!

Kandi arrives and we learn that she is actually good friends with Shamea.  Kandi asks the bartender for water, but he doesn’t have any.  Apparently Brandon used all the available water to fill the purple hairspray bottles that he picked up from Dollar General.  I bet they are out of Beer Nuts too!  Shamea doesn’t have any qualms about chugging the water as if it were real Jeri curl just to drive her shady point home.  This chick seems like she’s a fun li’l lollipop dipped in psycho.  Since there isn’t any actual drinkable water to be found, Kandi is ready to take a knee due to pregnancy exhaustion and she decides to bolt.

Phaedra shows up to support Kenya’s “square booty”, and the rest of the ensemble trickles in.  Phaedra and Cynthia are dressed like they are going on an undercover safari.  Kenya finally arrives with her date Eugene, who looks like he would smell like Pappy Van Winkle bourbon, pine, and seeing a man about a dog.  But we all know this “date” is about as real as the hair care products on the cocktail tables.  Phaedra is happy that Kenya finally met someone at her dermatologist’s office…OUCH!  The crowd may be able to find some relief from the heat under the shade Phaedra is providing.

Kim is getting to know the gang and they are excited to meet some other couples and make potential real life friends.  HA, plans foiled… Phaedra, without hesitation, launches her introduction with “my husband’s in prison” and Cynthia reveals she isn’t speaking to hers because he has been MIA for ten days.

Phaedra - Safari Hat

Kenya twirls into the party and greets She by Shereé cordially, but She by Shereé isn’t sure if she can trust a bitch who “still wearin’ colored contacts in 2015.”  She by Shereé compares the event to her fashion show with no fashions, “it’s a hair care event with no hair care products.”  Kenya asks She by Shereé to step outside so they can talk without sweating like farm animals.  Kenya acknowledges that they got off to a bad start and they realize they have a lot in common.  They are both strong-willed, they both own unfinished homes, and they both sleep the same brand of air mattress.  They decide to start fresh and air-hug it out.

At the end of this three ring shit show, Cynthia finally gets some face time with Papa Smurf and she confronts him about his poor conduct at the eyewear launch party.  Peter admits he got good and hammered before he showed up.  Peter feels like they are both putting career before their marriage, and blames Cynthia for not making time for his ignorant, phantom ass.  Cynthia reminds him that she uprooted herself from NYC to move to the ATL and marry him and now it’s been non-stop challenges, empty bank accounts, and incriminating Instagram videos.  Cynthia drops the bomb and tells him she isn’t sure if she is still in love with him and they may not be compatible.  He professes his love for her, but homegirl ain’t feelin’ it.  Peter sheds some tears that cut through his thick stage makeup, but he seems genuinely upset.  Peter doesn’t feel divorce is an option, but Cynthia is on board with having an escape route.  They agree to give it one more chance, but if it doesn’t work out, it’s curtains for Papa Smurf.

Cynthia Peter Divorce Talk

Next week, what makes Kim tick?  A boat outing goes awry, it’s Kenya vs. Sheana and Cynthia vs. Porsha.