Fambly Matters

The Goo-boo-chay fambly prepares for the impending surrender of their patriarch, and what better way than to make sprinkle cupcakes!  However dear reader, there is not enough cupcake glitter in the world to alleviate the cloud of doom hanging over this fambly.  Milania lightens the mood by shoving a cupcake in Juicy Joe’s face, but he half-looks like he’s about to go full prison riot on her ass.  He takes the high road and shoves it back in her face instead.  After some fabmly selfies and a lecture for G to the ia, Juicy Joe chokes back tears.  Or perhaps that’s just cupcake glitter in his eyeballs.

Meanwhile, across town, Jacs and Asslee go shopping for baby supplies and Asslee reveals that she wants to have a natural birth, sans drugs.  Jacs is dumbfounded and insists she will want the epidural.  Too bad the medical field had not figured out how to administer an epidural during Asslee’s teen years.

In other fambly matters, Siggy and her sister Iris are yelling at the kids for being on their phones instead of savoring quality time with their micro-managing mothers.  Siggy’s parents, Mordecai and Rachel, stop over and Morty reveals he’s looking into having an eyelid lift.  In other news, Rachel reveals that she is upset at her own daughters because they don’t spend more than 10 minutes visiting with them.  Josh calls his mother a hypocrite as he proceeds to the next level on Candy Crush.  Later, the fambly visits the Holocaust museum.  Morty tells his life story and Josh realizes that he’s a spoiled asshole, then 2.3 seconds later he snaps out of it.

morty

The Laurita’s and Wakile’s are bowling for date night, the same evening of Juicy Joe’s going away to prison pawwwty.  Rosie struts in with her new girlfriend, Laura, and we learn that Rosie is a straight up playa!  She met Laura in the bathroom while out on a date with another lady!  Chris Laurita is being the good li’l hubby that could and is heeding Dolores’ advice.  He will stand by his irrational skank wife and boycott the going away to jail pawwwty.

Sidebar:  I may need to switch back to watching this in standard definition.  High definition is not kind to these ladies.  The painted on eyebrows are the stuff of nightmares!

The going away to jail pawwwty is shot entirely on someone’s iPhone and apparently Bravo crew and equipment was not permitted.  Juicy Joe and Tre jump on the mechanical bull to ride things out, but they take a tumble after about 1.3 seconds.  Foreshadowing, anyone?  Siggy is caught on camera, still doling out her crack-pot advice to any pawwwty goer who will listen.

The next day, there is a literal meltdown at Envy between Derek the intern and Melissa.  Derek is anti-selfie, but Melissa wants at least 108 selfies posted per day to show off their bargain fashions and boost on-line sales.  Melissa better change before she selfies, she is dressed like an overweight librarian.

Meanwhile, across town, the Goo-boo-chay household prepares for their final goodbyes.  Milania is tearing around on a three-wheeler while Tre and Juice man knock back some vino and strawberries by the fire.  Juicy Joe tries to wax philosophical, “you either learn how to become a criminal, or a better person”.  Now he is forced to do the latter.  He is clearly not hammered enough because he looks genuinely worried.  Tre starts giving him pointers, he can celebrate every religious holiday at “camp”.  He can go with the Jewish people and celebrate “Rama-dan-dan!”  From what I understand, the kosher meals at “camp” are akin to first class.  How about more solid advice, such as always shower with your back to the wall?!?!  Tre feeds Juicy Joe a strawberry, mouth to mouth, just like they did when they were dating.  Yes Tre, get your last taste of those virgin lips…

It’s the day of the surrender, the paparazzi is out in full force and effect.  Immediate fambly is gathered and the girls are seen crying at the window as Juicy Joe is hauled away in a black Escalade.  Later that day, Joe and Melissa assemble a trampoline in a literal attempt to bounce back from the emotional morning.  Melissa tells Joe that Tre sent her a “love you” text, and Melissa is emotionally overwhelmed by how her relationship with Tre has grown.

tre-joe-farewell

Jacs has Siggy and Dolores over on the back deck of truth, while she scoops fake shit (irony, anyone?) into diapers, for some sort of sick baby shower dry run of sorts.  As Jacs spoons her fake shit, they discuss the emotional farewell to Juicy Joe.  Siggy gets emotional (SHOCKER) and dabs her tears with an unsoiled diaper.

diaper-change

Tre is sinking into a chasm of despair and the Goo-boo-chay girls can’t stop crying.  Their first night home without daddy, they all sleep in the same bed and say prayers for their father.

Next week, Dolores’ re-done home pawwwty, Joe and Chris throw down man-to-man, Melissa’s fashion show, and Dolores’ giving Jacs a good ol’ fashioned WTF!

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Kernels of Truth

We are dealing with the Vermont fallout this week.  Dolores and Siggy still reeling, both in a four-day depression.  Siggy has put on her fedora of truth and over-analyzed to the point where she has convinced herself that Jacs is mad at her.  Jacs hasn’t replied to Siggy’s frantic texts.  Siggy left her fambly to attend this three-ring shit show, now Jacs is giving her cold shoulder, and we aren’t talking about her top.

siggy-fedora-of-truth

Dolores, the ever emergent voice of reason this season, cautions her pal about going at Jacs with both barrels, hear her out first.  Siggy lived in the petting zoo and has now entered “do not feed” section.  Dolores has clearly got the Dr. Phil grip on this group.

dr-phil-hillbilly

We flash back to 2011 when Tre and Jacs sat on the deck and waved the acrylic nails of death.  Dolores sums it up, “one person has to eat it, somebody has to say they were wrong, and neither of them will do it.”  Dolores wants to stay out of it, she’d rather stay home with her re-done kitchen and her dawwwgs.

Later, Siggy and Dolores take their shit show on the road and pay Jacs a visit.  They wait so long for Jacs to answer the door, they take the opportunity to do a few squats on the front stoop.  Jacs finally lets them in and they take a seat on the patio of confrontation.  Chris and Ass-lee stand by in case anything erupts, but Siggy just wants an explanation for Jacs’ radio silence.  Jacs admits she was in her own world and had to go through the seven stages of grief.  Tre and Melissa’s nose are dead to her.  Any way you slice the cured salami, this relationship is a hot mess on wheels, and Siggy will continue to be in the midst of an emotional car crash the longer she lingers.

Over at Envy, Jackie lets Melissa know that internet sales are zilch, zero, goose egg!  OH and by the way…Jackie will be in the Bahama’s and won’t be around for the fashion show.  Melissa is totes stressing and thinks taking more selfies will promote bidness, yah solid plan.  Melissa weakly confronts Derek about the Kim D. gossip.  At hearing the word “Kim D.”, Derek immediately looks like he smells a dead body.  He acts all aghast at the mere thought of saying one nugatory thing about Tre.  They snap a selfie and air hug it out.

Joe brings Tre a sangwich and they discuss Juicy Joe’s impending trip to da’ pokey.  We get a flashback of Tre and Joe as teenagers, they were BFFs, and Joe had a used car salesman smarmy mustache of doom.  Joe tries to get his sister to state on camera that she is mad at her Mucinex slug of a husband.  All she will admit to is being so incredibly stupid for signing the papers he put in front of her.  Tre no read so good.  Joe offers to help out while Juicy Joe is taking it up da’ ass at the greybar hotel.  Tre doesn’t know what she is going to do, like, with the garbage.  Joe offers to help take out the trash, but something tells me this isn’t about routine weekly kitchen waste.

Siggy summons Melissa for cawwwfee tawwwlk, to admit her first impression of Melissa was that she is phony and self-absorbed, oh and to tell her she will not be attending her fashion shit show.  Melissa points out that Siggy, is in fact, taking sides because she is planning to attend Jacs’ kernel korn event.  Honey, when Melissa Gorga makes a valid point, you know your shit is f*cked up.

melissa-and-siggy

It’s the day of the big Posche fashion show, which is being held in the back room of some low-rent restaurant and looks as if it’s put together with prayers and chewing gum.  Kim D. tries to bait Jacs and Dolores by bringing up rumors of Juicy Joe cheating on Tre while she was away “at camp”.  They don’t take the bait and are more interested in learning how to properly apply boob tape.

kim-d

Siggy and Dolores have lunch with Tre and Melissa, but instead of “Rails”, they meet at “Pure”.  Since Bravo is footing the bill, Tre orders about 13 appetizers while Siggy starts her “Jacs is a good person” campaign.  Tre shuts it down like an illegal day care center and points out that Jacs was the one who brought Kim D. onto the scene.  Siggy has a change of heart and announces she will attend the Envy fashion show.  Tre asks Dolores about the Posche show and we flash back to 2009, 2010, 2011, where there is high drama involving Tre each year.  Dolores reveals that Kim D. tried to start shit, but doesn’t give specifics.

It’s the night of Li’l Kernel event.  Chris gives a speech, drops bomb, Ass-lee and Pete are sprouting their own li’l kernel.  Ass-lee tells Jacs that the baby will be organic, which is hilarious.  Is that organic botox and filler in yo’ face?  Later, Dolores pulls Chris to the side and advises him to decline the invitation he received from Juicy Joe for his “heading off to camp” party.  He should stand by his wifey, no matter how much of a rabid wildebeest she is.

To conclude tonight’s series of ill-fated epiphanies, we end up with Tre and Dolores meeting in a vacant church.  They are both looking very “mob-wife” and they reflect on their lives and how their marriages didn’t play out the way they envisioned.  Tre is sticking by her man no matter what, oh except for cheating, and she comments that Dolores was right to dump Frank for that reason.  Do I detect foreshadowing?  Dolores ignores her and suggests they say a prayer before they head out for a cocktail.

Next week, Tre and Juicy say goodbye.

Number Two

Dolores finally let Boo go across rainbow bridge.  Kidney failure.  Dolores and I have case of sads.  Siggy brings flowers and comfort before launching into discussion of her annoying kids.  Dolores admits she almost punch Frankie in face when he was teenager.  Later Siggy lets son drive, something about how she is always touching his legs, thighs, butt?  What?  Someone call DCFS…STAT!  Siggy retorts, “What do you want from me I was born and a bomb shelter?”  I guess her fambly played grab ass to pass the time while hunkered underground.

Later, Siggy clips Delores’ wings so she can fly, learn about bills-n-stuff.  Who better to join the “whaddayamean I gotta open mail and pay bills” counseling sesh?  Tre offers a serious tawwwwlk, “HONEY, LOOK, FOR RILLZ!”  Dolores doesn’t care.  Trusts Frank with her finances.  Frank an attorney when he’s not being Mr. New Jersey.  Makes about as much sense as Paula Abdul after a box o’ wine.

Melissa situation with her bidness partner.  Jackie ordered stuff, actually running bidness.  Melissa bark at intern, get Jackie on Face Time.  Don’t care if she basking in steamy Bahama sun!  GET HER ON FACE TIME!  Jackie take no shit, Melissa only ordering what she wears, newsflash, NOBODY is a size zero.  Melissa unyielding, delusional, micromanaging her way into an anxiety attack.

Later Melissa plays dress up and helps Antonia prep for father/daughter dance.  Antonia wants to be a professional cheerleader.  Melissa coaches her to select a more palatable occupation and Antonia reads the cue card being held up by the Bravo intern.  TEACHER!  Melissa reminisces, ahhhh mommy wanted to be a teacher one day.  Now she’s pumping out babies and owns low-rent Posche 3.0.

melissa-antonia

The Goo-boo-chay household is not all pink puppies and bacon.  Juicy Joe is drunk and “get off my lawn” disorderly.  Like.  All.  The.  Time.  Tre preoccupied with new book, hoping to make the NY Times Best Seller list.  Juicy Joe don’t care, he’s got to get his adult diaper and mid-day drink on.  He squawks about the hot pink dye job on the dog, G to the ia already sassing him, “you have no say you’re leaving in, like, a month!”  Tre and Juicy Joe argue about bills.  Juicy Joe behaving quite badly.  Tre letting it slide, he’s not coping well, it’s the alcohol tawwwwlking.  Juicy bought security camera system, but it’s all Greek to Tre.  Dolores calls to offer support, Tre reminds her about book release pawwwwty.  Juicy passes out on the couch with a full adult diaper.

joe-walk-away

Laurita’s having poker night.  Rosie excited, wants to apologize to Juicy Joe about “mean girl” things said on camera on NYE.  Juicy Joe no show.  Call Juicy Joe.  Juicy Joe tore up from floor up.  Can’t make it to poker night.  Call Tre.  See if we get truth.  Juicy Joe struggling with impending surrender, heavy day drinking, passed out on couch with full adult diaper.

Rosie upset.  Rosie storm out.  Rosie calm down in sub-zero temps outside.  Rosie return to warmth of poker night.

Everyone prepping for Tre’s book launch party – two rules, must be over 21 and Tre cannot be consorting with felons of any kind.  So Fuckface Von Clownstick (a.k.a. – Juicy Joe) invites some felon to attend and bring his 12-year old son.  Grab a handful o’ back hair and hang on for dear life!  Felon denied entry.  Shocking!  Felon blows gasket on public sidewalk, “Nothing stops me, not the mob, not the government, not nothing!”  I’ll tell you who stops him, Security by Bravo, that’s who!  The disproportionate display of emotion would have us think he was denied entry into Slick’s Tavern, but oh no dear reader, it was not.  This man wanted in on that fourth rate book launch party more than a housewife wants free samples at Costco!

felon

Inside, Tre has no clue of happenings on the street.  Good hair, don’t care, and whoa…what’s that?  She made number two on NY Times best seller list, beating out the Pope’s book, which debuted at number four.  Cheers, Ima proud of you, number two!

Coming up this season, Jacs going to be a glam-ma, Kim D. back with vengeance and square tit (oh wait, that was Kim G.), drama between Jacs and Melissa escalates.

New Beginnings, Same Old Endings

Boring filler on undercard cast mates.  Dolores suspiciously close to her ex-husband Frank, we learn he is former Mr. New Jersey.  Dolores wants to redecorate on Frank’s dime.  Learn that Frank owns six gyms, Dolores partner in three of those gyms, and just launched her own gym.  Explains why she can’t let go of Frank.  Dolores bidness partner, Maz, drops bomb on her, need to sign 2,000 memberships within the first month in order to make the bills.  Also, Dolores needs to show up to work, inspire customers, “you look good for an old lady”.  Dolores lunges across the desk and gives him a right hook.  Most crucial thing learned?  Dolores’ son, Frankie, has abs that make young Brad Pitt look like a disgrace.

young brad

Siggy worried about her 13 year-old, received detention for using phone at school.  Siggy at a turning point.  Must revoke phone.  Sophie mouth breathing throughout lecture, asks for Dunkin’ Donuts, momentarily stops Siggy in her lecturing tracks to ponder thought of a chocolate glazed.  Not to be completely foiled, Siggy later takes both her children out for a lay down the law lunch.  Quickly goes south when li’l turds reveal that when they are with their dad for two weekends a month, he allows them to have girls, money, strippers.  Kids ask to talk for five minutes without interruption.  The iPhone timer mocks Siggy.  CANNOT.  CONTAIN.  MOTHERING.  COMMENTARY.  Siggy whips out Scarlet O’Hara fan to halt tears.  Kinda sad, Siggy is the disciplinarian, while dad is the party parent.  Takeaway here – Siggy needs to stop asking Jacs for parenting advice.

Melissa kids in a fashion show.  Antonia has the G to the ia pose down pat.  Geno got his start when he walked for OshKosh B’gosh and did a stint for Garanimals, he’s an ol’ pro.  Tre and Milania attend show for support.  The Gorga kids kill it and Milania actually behaves and stays seated.  Later at celebration dinner, li’l Joey makes an announcement.  “I love everyone at this table”.  Sure kid.  Easy for you to say, everything is rainbows and lollypops when you’re about to crush that glorious pot of mac-n-cheese before you.

Tre is in her bed, bath, and beyond a hot mess.  Psychologically prepping to deal with Jacs.  Her house décor is so hideous, it looks like Wickes liquidated and then donated the leftovers.  Milania wrestles Audriana to the ground, providing her with excruciating noogies.  Audriana runs to mom for safety, but Tre is waiting with hot tweezers, ready to pluck the first errant eyebrow she sees.  Milania puts on her sumo wrestler suit and shouts from the rooftop, “I want a brother!”  All we learn here is li’l Milania has some brawn to her and she takes after her father.  She even uses Juicy’s crazy, cranking, stretching machine and can’t “do yoga” with Tre without breaking her butt.

juicystretchig

Meanwhile, Chris lectures Jacs and urges her to behave.  They must stay on television with their fake storyline if their Li’l Kernel snack system is to ever get off ground!  Juicy Joe and Tre arrive at Jacs’ bearing case of bathtub wine and dry cured meats.  Juicy and Chris slink away to the man cave to hit da’ sausage and sauce.  Tre is left in the kitchen with Jacs and a pot of boiling water.  I have to give Tre props, she looks pretty fantastic.  Prison diet did her well.  Should be her next book.  It’s all puppies and bacon until the two start their journey down memory lane.  They hash, smash, and rehash the past and it escalates quickly.

Escalated quickly

Somehow, Joe Gorga gets brought up for saying something about each of the ladies to the other…don’t trust her, she’s an asshole, or some shit.  Jacs has the solution, get Joe on the SPEAKERPHONE OF TRUTH!  Luckily, Joe is quick on his feet, he slipped and hit his head and has no memory from four years ago.  He can also now speak fluent Portuguese.  Tre on mission to eliminate toxic people from her life, then she should exit, stage left.  Tre tries to put Jacs in her place, she didn’t question Jacs about her legal issues, but Jacs fires back… “mine wasn’t a criminal case, we didn’t file fraudulent bankruptcy like you did.”  Tre is about to flip the kitchen island, but it’s securely fastened to the faux linoleum with liquid nails.  Tre screeches, low blow, let’s go Joe.  Men are clueless, half in bag, cured meat fat stuck between their incisors.  Juicy wants to continue bro-ing out with Chris, he hasn’t eaten enough prosciutto to make the trip worthwhile.  Jacs storming around dining room, pleather pants swishing.  Tre whips on her faux fur, bolts out door.  Chris upset, he senses Juicy was about to ask him to be on his prison contact list!  Jacs throws hands up, “she had a curfew anyway”.  Real winner here is Chris, Juicy left behind his full wine cooler on wheels.

Tre storms out

Next time, Jacs graduates to a pleather top and she gets into it with Melissa.

You Do the Time

Sorry I am so late this week, my actual job was a real bey-otch on wheels and delayed my RHNJ recappin’!  Since this is now old news, I will do a mini-cap:

Jacs crying, Dolores comforting, Tre new lexus getting.

Tre bed, bath, and beyond a hot mess.  Waxing Milania’s eyebrows.  Gotta look good for Holiday pics to be sold exclusively to People Magazine rags.  Tre flat beyotch broke, bidnesses in da’ crapper, gotta pay da’ billz.

Juicy Joe idiot.  Thinks Christmas is celebration of Jesus’ resurrection.  Flames shoot down from skylight, set his tank top and back hair on fire.

Tre follow Melissa into kitchen where knives are kept.  Tre no change one bit.  Tre dragging up painful Christening memory.  Tre stranded on Gilligan’s Island?  Melissa think Tre should have shut down rumors about her like illegal day care.  Argue, screech, pinky swear, hug it out, got your back…for now.

Tre Melissa Kitchen

Dolores in therapy, bad luck with cheating men, she is detective by nature, apparently Dolores did not sign HIPAA form at reception desk.

Jacs too many espressos, Ass-lee puffy face like her mom.  Moving out, Jacs recklessly loud when she gives Chris monthly sexy time.  Ass-lee, Pete, and her cold shoulder sweater have their own needs that cannot be fulfilled in the foreclosing McMansion.

Melissa’s boutique taking too long, Joe irritated with part-time wife status, Joe turning into Mr. Mom and he has begun lactating.  Ummm….EWW!

Tre had to cut own toenails in prison, received ingrown toenail, hurt worse than child birth.  But she didn’t let the time do her, she did the time!  Tre invites Dolores for New Year, Dolores wants to have “girls’ dinner”, invite Jacs, stage set for Tre/Jacs face off at another Bravo mandated dinner from hell.

Jacs hosts sad reject party for the non 36 people invited to Tre’s.  Jacs sporting serious camel toe in pleather pants looking like stuffed sausage, nasty yeast infection of epic proportion ensues.  Rest assured Ass-lee, your step father won’t be getting any loud action for the next 4 – 6 weeks.

G to the ia wants to go out with friends for New Year’s Eve after being catapulted into adulthood.  Girl wants to cut loose.  Her drunk Juicy Joe father doesn’t care and wants the “little fathead” home by midnight.  Dolores must make getaway as well, invited to two parties, what to do?  I know, have hostess of Bumpin’ Party A call hostess of Reject Party B and have incredibly awkward speaker phone conversation.  Cousin Rosie hears convo on speaker phone, Rosie spurned.  Rosie slosh her bourbon all over floor while making resolution to be the biggest beyotch on wheels in 2017.  GO ROSIE!

Jacs reject party

Shout out here to Jacs’ friends, Herman and Mina.  Two sit quietly in the corner wondering what the hell this camera crew is doing around them.

Dolores arrives Jacs’ reject party.  Ponders returning “Li’l Snooki Bump-It Kit” to QVC.

Dolores torn

G to the ia gets home by 12:15 a.m.  Juicy Joe level of intoxication = sobbing mess.  G to the ia cries in her grandmothers arms at the thought of the year ahead.  This gives me a case of the sads.

Next week… Dolores birthday party, Melissa mother f*ckin’ Gorga comes out to play, Jacs pulls a “pop in” on Tre with two hot, steaming Starbucks in her hands.

Clink Clink

Those aren’t Fabellini glasses clinking, that is the sound of shackles around Teresa Goo-boo-chay’s ankles so she won’t run off set and hole up in the Bravo intern bathroom during this GAWD-Awful reunion show.  Let’s sift through only the lowlights so our heads don’t explode.

Fambly Feud

Dina’s return to the show was based on the departure of Caroline and Jacs, specifically Jacs, who Dina labels as “toxic”.  After Teresa flipped the table in season one, like the incredible hulk, Dina said good riddance.  Today, Tre-Hulk is much more calm now that her days in the free world are numbered.  Dina still hasn’t filed for divorce, since Tommy is the “only plumber” she knows, he has been “cleaning her pipes”.  WTMI.

Dina notes she will gladly reconcile with her brother and sister, but she will love Jacs from a different zip code.  Tre sarcastically and quite condescendingly applauds OHAC for admitting the show causes tension among the cast mates.  OHAC quickly reminds her that participation in vile, petty feuding on national television with fambly members is strictly voluntary.  I guess Tre forgets where her freakin bread is buttered.  Won’t matter, commissary doesn’t take Bravo Bucks.

Sidebar:  Dina should fire her stylist ASAP for putting that heinous necklace on her.  But her hairstylist gets points for the bangin’ side braid.

Dina-Necklace

Delusion Fusion

Tre doesn’t believe she has ever “hit below the belt” during her entire stint on the show.  The Non-Dynanic Duo belt out a hearty, simultaneous laugh, while Melissa is biting her tongue so hard she may need a paramedic.

“The Cancer” and “The Nose Job”

Amber Alert is allowed to have the floor and her only regret is “crying too much”.  The playing of the cancer card is addressed, but Amber claims she wanted to use the show as a platform to raise awareness.  The Non-Dynamic Duo bash Amber for saying “The Cancer” and they accuse her of having a nose job.  Amber Alert will use her articles of speech however she wants, damn it, and she denies the nose job.

Jersey-Isms

Rosie and Kathy join the floor and discuss the dictionary gag gift they gave Tre.  Everyone has a collective laugh and we are treated to a montage of Jersey-isms:

  • Boobdoir = Boudoir
  • Skoowers = Skewers
  • Lopter = Lobster
  • Vigerator = Refrigerator
  • Calmaradity = Camraderie
  • Cold soldiers = Cold shoulder
  • You should be a cannibal for your actions = You should be accountable for your actions
  • Myrant = this one is actually functional: midget + tyrant = MYRANT!
  • Jigged myself = Jinxed myself

Penny For Your Thoughts

A clip is shown of Kathy’s mother saying that “when you do the wrong thing, mistakes catch up to you”.  Tre makes a dramatic exit and pulls a Bobby by locking herself in the bathroom.  She is still miced and the audio confirms that she has the attention span of a gnat, “you have a mint, gum?  OHHHHH a penny!”

Tre-NeedBreak

Sibling Support

Joe and Juicy join the stage, but Juice man is clearly numb and in shock.  Joe Gorga takes the floor “It’s so hard for me, because it’s my sister.  Whatever.”  Wiser words have never been spoken.

Warning:  Felonious Behavior May Really F*ck Up Your Day

When it rains it pours, while the Goo-Boo-Chay fambly bond is stronger than ever, they are not immune to tragedies in large, successive, quantities.  We all know Juicy’s father had a heart attack and passed away suddenly.  Tre admits that her chubby hubby has been wandering around in a daze, drinking heavily.  And this is different from his previous behavior, how exactly?

MuinexSlug

In addition, all the legal troubles have impaired Tre’s bidness, retailers will simply not tolerate this felon trying to peddle her wares, hence she makes no money.  As if that weren’t bad enough, Tre was too dense to understand that her plea deal included prison time and she was completely blindsided.  Her doctor must have her on some low-grade beaver tranquilizer, the poor thing didn’t even understand Ter-ess-uh’s “clink clink” handcuff gesture.  Look at the bright side Tre, you are going to hang out with the Orange is the New Black Beyotches.  They make prison look fun!

Let’s Talk About Bawwwby

Bawby is apparently a trust fund baby, which confirms that Nicole is not only wearing gold lame, but she is a “gold digga”.  Is that anything like a “soul digga”, like the men who helped Melissa pretend to be a singer?  I digress… Bawby’s sexual preference was called into question over the scene where he frolicked on the beach with a very muscular and agile Joe Gorga and even performed CPR on him.  Bobby never dignifies the question with an answer, but doesn’t deny it either.  Jim and Amber Alert are being too loud an distracting and they get of the topic of Bawby’s possible homosexuality.  Jim whips out a folder of evidence and screams “Fame Whore” across the set, while holding up several pictures of Bawby posing with various housewives.  Amber Alert claims he was only hanging on with Nicole to see if she would be signed to the show so he can get his 7 minutes of fame.

FameWhore

Asshole Problem

Jim is an asshole, Amber Alert affectionately calls him “scorched Earth”, and Dina labels Jim as “mangina”, since calling him “whale vagina” is insulting to women and whale’s everywhere.  Jim brags how he made $8.5 million last year and Melissa whips out her Lawyering License and advises him to refrain from discussing his gross income from all sources on the show.  Wake up and smell the indictment!  Jim is yelling at Tre and li’l Joey Gorga has a flashback to his childhood, “don’t talk to my sister that way, she’s my sister, she threw my toys out the window!”  Uh, that’s another show entirely.  “Don’t talk that way, women box women, men box wen.  Uh menin, you know what I mean!”  No Joe, we don’t.  What is “menin”?  Isn’t that a 1987 jingle for Mennin speed stick deodorant?  Jim is a hot ass mess, he claims he is getting “hate faxes”…ummm who faxes anything anymore?  I’m sure Joe Gorga will offer you a discount on shredding those hate faxes.

Santarinogate – The Gift That Keeps On Giving Like Long-Lasting Spray Tan

OHAC prefaces the Santarinogate segment by assuring everyone on the stage that they will all be heard.  In other words, shut the f*ck up!  Jim repeated the Santarinogate rumor because he was hammered and thought it was hilarious, he only repeated it “as a joke” and he didn’t expect the twins to “go all Chernobyl”.  This guy has a sick sense of humor.  Ter-ess-uh has the floor and regardless that all men are pigs, she knows that her precious Rino would never have inappropriate relations with her mother.  Let’s bring out that crypt keeper, Victoria Gotti, to set the record straight!  Seriously, now that would have been epic.

The men get into the rumor mill a bit more and Jim bashes on Rino for hiding in his own vacation home two miles away from the Florida meltdown vacation rental from hell and he bashes Bawby for hiding in the bathroom.  Bawby states he was simply walking away from “The Marchese Spin Machine”.  Bawby owns a condo he rents to a female tenant, and Jim spun that as Bawby having a “kept woman”.

Bawby apologizes to Nicole for calling her “stupid”, but he clarified that he was calling her stupid for taking the bait from Jim.  Okay Bawby, we get it, so you weren’t “a bitch” when you hid in the bathroom, you were just “acting like a bitch”.  Whatever helps you sleep at night, dude.

Issues

Jim also apologizes to the twins and then calls Dina out for perpetuating the rumor on camera.  Jim, have you learned nothing, Dina will cut your eyes out and serve them on a cheese platter.

What Have We Learned, if Anything?

Ter-ess-uh learned that alcohol and cameras don’t mix.  Nicole learned to keep it real.  Amber Alert wouldn’t cry so much and would keep Jim off Twitter.  Melissa is learning to see the big picture.  Dina learned once you walk away from something remember why you did.  Tre apologizes to her fans for letting them down and she’s going to make herself a better person.  Tre admits that she regrets 80% of the show.

OHAC takes Tre’s delicate, tiny hands, which are about to be subjected to shackles and germy prison showers.  Tre thinks this is her last show and they get emotional for a moment.  After all Tre made reality TV history with her table flip and criminal behavior.  OHAC wishes her the best… annnd scene, Girl, BYE!  As Cynthia from the ATL would say – “This was a waste of an outfit and a wig!”

OHAC-ShakeHand

Best quote of this trifecta shit show goes do Dina:  “This show is so f*cked up!”  Yes, yes it is!

It’s the end of an era, so how long before Bravo gives Tre a spinoff show about her time in prison?

Lady Bug Out

This season finale has been about as disenchanting as a flat glass of Fabellini.  Since we have already heard about the sentencing handed down to Juicy and Tre, I will just be hitting a few of the low-lights:

Melissa and Tre get together, this is not important, but what is important is the gymnastic mat that Antonia and Milania have placed on the marble floor so they can do flips.  This mat brought back so many good memories, like when a hammered Juicy attempted drunken tumbling on said gymnastic mat, but completely missed the mark and ended up busting his face.  In case you missed it, see my post “Oh Joe He Di’int!”:  https://realityweecap.wordpress.com/2011/08/31/oh-joe-he-di%E2%80%99int/

Joe-face plant

That’s what two…tree…four bottles of wine will do to ya’!

The Non –Dynamic Duo and Dina arrive at Abbey’s Farm where they will hold the Ladybug event.  This house belongs to a friend of the twins, Abbey, and it is like a resort and is Bed, Bath, and Beyond fabulous.  Why she is consenting to allow a bunch of psychotic, bat-shit crazy skanks to bring their weaves all up in da’ joint is beyond me.  Dina will not tolerate any negative or nasty at her charity event, which may greatly diminish the guest list.  Dina has provided security with a photo of Crypt Keeper, Victoria Gotti, and she will not be permitted past the moat.  If anyone starts any shit, they will end up like those two sad sacks, Kathy and Jacs… all puffed up from eating sugary treats while sobbing and clamoring for camera time.

Ter-ess-uh gives the camera a one-on-one interview that will surely send her straight to hell.  She believes that Tre and Juicy’s sentencing and demise of their fambly is a direct result of karma and she taps her wrists together and says “clink clink!”  Now Ter-ess-uh, how dumb are you?  Is that good Karma?

Amber Alert was growing her hair out for five years after she lost it all due to chemotherapy.  She is finally getting it cut off and donating the hair.  Her daughter can’t handle it and is having a major meltdown.  Amber Alert later admits that she hopes the twins won’t recognize her with shorter hair.  Well played, Amber Alert, well played!

Amber-Haircut

Joe is pretending to break ground on his vacant lot where he plans to build his fake house.  Melissa pretends she is JLo and does the poor white woman’s version of the cabbage patch dance on the vacant lot.

Dina is setting up for the Ladybug event and she has enough candy to kill the four Great Danes who live on Abbey’s Farms.  Tre shows up for hair and makeup and does her due diligence (for once in her life) and she is sure to forewarn Dina that if the twins start shit, it’s on them.

Dina-Candy

The Non-Dynamic Duo is already getting fired up for a brawl during their car ride to the event.  Their father, Sal, describes anger as “disappointed love”.  Angry people don’t give or get love in their lives, that’s why Tre is a bitter ol’ skank.

Despite the pre-charity event wind up, the Ladybug fashion show actually comes off without incident.  Antonia and Milania are too cute working the catwalk.  Amber Alert takes Rino aside to discuss the elephant thong in the room, but Rino handles it diplomatically and makes it clear that he doesn’t agree with Jim pretending to be a housewife and shouldn’t be talking to women the way he does.  The talk amicably annnnnd SCENE!

Across the room, the non-dynamic duo has a meeting of the mind and they decide now is the time to confront Tre.  Bobby warns them not to expect an apology, and they charge in.  Tre tries to clarify what was said between she and Crypt Keeper Gotti and she reiterates that Rino started the rumor about he and Santa.  Nicole jumps in and calls Tre stupid, which is one of Tre’s hot buttons and Dina is ready for Tre to “flip a bitch”.  Someone get security on that candy table…STAT!  Tre tries to explain why she repeated the rumor to Dina and they end up agreeing to discuss things directly to each other going forward, and they hug it out.  WHERE IS THE MEOW DOWN!  I want to see weaves flying, drinks being thrown in botoxed faces, and Lee press on nails landing in the candy buffet!

Twins-Confront

We flash forward to October 2, 2014 and Juicy is sentenced to 41 months in jail and possible deportation.  Teresa will serve 15 months.  From what I understand, they will stagger the sentences so that the children will be cared for by at least one parent.

The Laurita’s and Wakile’s are gathered together and receive the news.  A few breakdowns and some shocked reactions.  Rosie reads a prayer from her “God, we are in deep shit” app on her smart phone, and this finishes the rather somber and lackluster season finale.

Wakiles-Sad

See you at the reunion, parts one through eighteen!

No Apologies

We start this week with the B-string cast members, the Laurita’s, Wakile’s, and Rosie, who are getting together to have cannoli and (according to Richie), play “Shack, Marry, Kill”.  Oy!  Kathy has invited the Non-Dynamic Duo over to fully integrate them into the hot ass mess.  Nicole already has Jacs labeled as a trouble maker and Richie and Chris interrogate Bobby to get the lowdown.  Bobby tells the boys that he and Nicole met at Dunkin’ Donuts and he can’t envision dunkin’ his donut in his butter pecan latte without Nicole by his side.  Richie also clarifies the difference between twin Ter-esss-uh, not “Fabellini” Teresa, who Richie calls “felonini”.  Score line of the night for Richie.

Meanwhile, the girls chat and discuss the ill-fated Florida trip and Nicole has no qualms exposing the rumor that was the highlight of the feuding.  I guess it’s okay to perpetuate your own rumor.  Jacs practically chokes on her boxed wine, which she is drinking through a straw.  Keepin’ it klassy, Jacs.  Rosie would have gone prison orange coo-coo pants by now if this rumor was said about her mother, and since the B-cast is too terrified to take on the likes of Victoria Gotti, they all nominate Tree for the dog house because she repeated the rumor.

Kathy-Jacs

Melissa and Amber Alert meet to check in and discuss Jim’s horrific douche-bag behavior and Melissa encourages her to discuss the situation with the twins at the upcoming, and also to be ill-fated, Ladybug charity event.  The only good thing about this charity event is that it signifies the end of the season, there is always the Bravo mandated “confrontation at a fashion-show, charity ball, social event” finale.

Later, the Non-Dynamic Duo go shopping for dresses to wear to the Ladybug Event and they try on some trashy dresses that look like they were made by “Project Runway” rejects during the Fredrick’s of Hollywood Challenge.  Ter-esss-uh is planning a “tasting party” and she plans to invite everyone except Amber Alert and Tre, so what better way to handle this than to call Melissa while she is at a spa day with the bot’ of dem.

Twins-Dresses

At the spa, Dina makes it crystal effing clear that she wants all the differences put aside so her Ladybug event is without incident.  Melissa takes the call from Ter-esss-uh and of course has her on speaker.  When Tre and Amber alert over hear that they are persona non grata at Ter-ess-uh’s tasting party, they crack up and pretend to be sad.  Dina vows to Tre that she will not allow anyone to talk bad about her at the tasting party, which sets these two up for a rift that will surely carry on into season 12.

Spa Day

Later, Amber Alert is getting naked at a horse stable to do a photo shoot to commemorate her breast cancer.  Jim looks on like a proud perv and after they are done, he walks outside and he is so bereft, he actually has to take a knee.  Jim later takes Amber Alert, wearing her best white eyeliner, to an art gallery for a romantic dinner and to view all of her cancer photos on display, on display, on display.  They talk about cancer, life is short, I don’t want you hanging out with those women, WHY ARE THESE TWO SKID MARKS ON THE UNDERPATNS OF SOCIETY ON THIS SHOW?

Amber-Posing

Tre and G to the ia go out to get pedicures and Tre talks about birth control and then tells G to the ia that she “had something taken out today”, which must mean an IUD.  That is all Tre needs is to pull the damn goalie and get pregnant before she is shipped off to prison camp.  She may not even have to worry about who will care for G to the ia because the poor kid is about to die of embarrassment.

It’s the night of Ter-esss-uh’s tasting party and Melissa takes the opportunity to confirm that everything is copacetic because she wants to bring Antonia to the Ladybug event and will not tolerate a bunch of hags fighting like cats in a pillowcase in front of her daughter.  They sort it out and come up with an outstanding solution that will happen when miniature, disabled, pot-bellied pigs fly out of Dina’s ass.  The twins want an apology from Tre for perpetuating the Santarinogate rumor and Dina volunteers to spearhead that effort.

In other news, Nicole and Bobby go to look at a huge southern style plantation mansion that Nicole thinks she is going to buy for herself.  Bobby anticipates getting engaged within the next year, so I am not sure why she would buy a house listed at $899,000 with royal blue shag carpet.  This is just annoying filler and we all know there is no way Nicole is even serious about buying this house.  We all know she wants to get engaged to Bobby, move in with him, and register at Bed, Bath, and Beyond a hot mess and Dunkin’ Donuts.

Dina sits down to meet with Melissa and Tre and she informs them that she got a nasty text from Amber Alert and she and Jim won’t have anything to do with the Ladybug event.  Dina is wary because she has only sold 105 tickets and now that Jim and Amber Alert are boycotting the event, they will not be inviting all of their imaginary friends.  Tre has come to the table bearing Ladybug sprinkle cookies and Melissa and Dina request that Tre apologize to the Non-Dynamic Duo for repeating the Santarinogate rumor.  I swear if Tre were “no longer a hot-tempered Italian” who “will not be provoked”, she would have flipped that Ikea kitchen table right through the ceiling, destroying Dina’s beloved shoe collection.

Tre-NotSorry

Tre turns the attack on Dina, who felt the need to repeat the rumor to the twin twits in the first place.  WORD!  Tre refuses to make any kind of regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure, as if this is a shocker?  Tre has enough drama in her life and she is appalled that the twins would even ask for an apology.  This sets up the drama for next week at the long anticipated Ladybug event where Tre may snap like Mike Tyson at a spelling bee.  Brace for impact…

Never Ending Journey

Let’s put this never ending fight to bed, shall we!?!?!  Where we left off, Bobby finally emerged from the bathroom and he is confronting Jim in classic Jersey style by shouting, clapping, and serenading them from the top of the staircase shortly before retreating to the bathroom again.  I swear he must be up there cutting lines like a handicapped kid at Disney world.  With the twins left on their own to fight this battle through their drunken hysteria, it’s about to get turnt up in here.  Ter-ess-uh is going crack house rat crazy and we see Nicole mouth the words “let’s go”…funny, I never pegged Nicole as the calm, sensible one.  Amber Alert is pissed at Jim and Melissa won’t be left out, she is the new and improved voice of reason.  Ter-ess-uh decides to have a smoke and Amber Alert joins her.  She flips her hair like a pro and lights up that Virginia Slim, F*CK YOU CANCER, F*CK YOU RIGHT IN THE FACE!  Dina says that Jim definitely has a vagina and tells Amber Alert, “I’m sorry you’re married to a dick.”  So, does that make Jim a hermaphrodite?  Ugh…Ter-ess-uh states that Jim is a perfect example of a Napoleon complex and Jim retorts with “you’re a perfect example of an uneducated dumb f*ck.”  Keep it klassy Jimbo!

Amber smoking

Then, as if he were hatched fresh from a boil on Satan’s anus, Jim starts yelling about Rino and his escapades, including trying to bang local crypt keeper, Victoria Gotti, dating a rusty or Russian stripper, and then he drops the mutha of all bombs… “I think he f*cked your mom!”  Joe rushes Jim off to bed to extract him from what has become an out of control shit show.  Amber Alert follows and she is clearly tore up from the floor up.  Nothing good can come from this, it will only end in tears, this situation is FRAUGHT WITH PERIL!

Alec_Baldwin_Fraught

Dina tells Ter-ess-uh that this talk of Rino and Santa was the rumor that she was speaking about and the non-dynamic duo flies off their broom handle.  They are horrified that everyone has been gossiping about this the whole time and Dina has had enough of this nutbaggery, she looks at the camera, Dina Manzo is DUNZO!  Melissa suggests, in the interest of Zen, they all sleep it off on it.

The next morning in Florida, Jim should be hiding under the bed, but he is in the kitchen whipping up breakfast as if nothing has happened.  Ter-ess-uh is packing her shit and plans to head over to her vacation home to meet Rino, which is five minutes away.  Why didn’t she go sooner?  Melissa is so furious that she must rub oil all over her body and get some sun.  Amber Alert is hunched over her breakfast like a hungover skag and when the conversation inevitably turns to the ugly events of the evening prior, Jim’s response is that it was all in good fun.  Melissa is stunned and leave it to Dina to put the kibosh on all this, after all it is severely f*cking with her Zen.  Dina emerges, looking fabulous in her jammy pants, and confronts Jim and Amber Alert, “you’re sittin’ there in your bikini and your gold jewelry like it’s no big deal, get up, pack your bags, and go!”  Dayum!  Amber Alert is reduced to tears again and she seems to forget that everyone else was perfectly fine in Florida before she and her dick vagina husband arrived.  Joe makes a drink and a toast, “the poison has left the building!”

Dina-pack and go

Meanwhile back in Jersey, a small puppy is suffering from shaken baby syndrome.  Milania is trying to burp the puppy like it’s a baby and I’m surprised the thing hasn’t bitten her ear off yet.  The fambly is having breakfast in the kitchen when Juicy announces that he and Tre have decided to forgo their separate rooms and will be spending the night as a couple in the fantasy suite.  Wait, wrong show… Tre and Juicy will have a “date night” to keep the fambly “on a float… no wait, on a flow” says Tre.  Because what better way to spend their fleeting moments with their children then to dump them off at Nana and Papa’s?

The jailbirds spend the night at The Carlton hotel and enjoy a plate of oysters, which Juicy likens to “a sloppy va-jay-jay”.  Really.  Appetizing.  Juicy figures dat he and da mizzuz have been working so hard defrauding banks, they deserve it and whatever, y’know.  We are treated to a flashback photo of Tre and Joe from the good ol’ days when they were just engaging in petty theft.  Tre has a huge head and a super skinny body, she looks like a walkin’ candy apple.  Juicy delivers a lovely toast to his “bitch wife”… “to our girls, our health, and for being the luckiest guy in the world, because I’m married to you.”  And you’re going down with me, 15 months in the pokey, you stupid skank of epic proportion.  I hear orange is the new leopard!

Tre-Joe-Night_out

We have a brief moment with Jacs and Kathy, I’m not sure why because nobody cares about these two, who are clearly clinging for dear life for their spots on this train wreck.  Jacs is like a damn dog with a bone, she talks about reaching out to Tre again and getting an abrupt, short response and Kathy advises she let it go and move on.  Later, Jacs shares a “date night” of her own.  She and hubby stay at home because they are trying to live within their means.  What a novel concept!  Chris tells her that as far as the Juicy and Tre situation goes, the writing is on the wall.  Now let’s get busy cooking dinner, so we can go get busy!

Back in Boca, what is left of the group boards a yacht called the “Never Ending Journey”, how apropos.  The gang is having a great day in the hot tub, knockin’ ‘em back and Bobby is trying to keep up, drink for drink, with Joe.  Dina is being a little bit of a shit-stirring diva and tells Nicole that Bobby should have been by Nicole’s side throughout the melee the night before and not hiding in the bathroom like the little bitch that he is.  Dina doesn’t think Bobby is in it to win it and then, suddenly, Bobby and Joe dive into the ocean and start horsing around in the water.  They wash ashore, wrestle in the soft white sand, pretend to perform CPR on each other, then Bobby gently whispers in Joe’s ear “If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.”  It borders the line of unhealthy bromance and could be the reason Bobby hasn’t put a ring on Nicole it.

Bromance

Later that night, a chef has come to the Miami Vice Mansion from Hell to prepare dinner, but Bobby is too hammered to show up.  Nicole took a nap in her bikini, which tells me she was gacked to the nines as well.  Melissa, Joe, and Dina are the only ones who make it to the dinner table and Nicole eventually comes down.  She tries to pass off Bobby’s absence as “food poisoning”.  Yes, too much vodka food.  Ter-ess-uh and Rino stop by to say hello and they all have a good laugh.  Rino thinks that the Santarinogate rumor is so outlandish that it’s hilarious.  Bobby finally drags his way downstairs and I can almost smell him through the television, a hard mix of stale pork rinds and sticky bar room floor.  Joe gives a toast to “friends, happiness, and good people.”  Yes, good people who are not of the mother f*cking variety…

Next week, Jacs and Kathy meet the twins and get in on the dish.  Rosie declares “the whole word mother f*cker has a whole new meaning!” Now that’s something to smoke about!

Rosie Cigarette

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

HO, HO, HO…AW HELL NO!

Melissa welcomes Amber Alert at her door, who comes bearing comfort food.  It seems Melissa’s favorite aunt passed away due to cancer.  Amber Alert is able to put her differences aside, because hey, she gets the whole cancer thingie.  Too bad she doesn’t get the whole stop setting your makeup gun to “third shift ho stroll” thingie.

Meanwhile, across town…Nicole and her mother, Santa, discuss the impending Valentine’s Day fake holiday of doom.  Nicole is all atwitter about her one year anniversary of dating Bobby, but let good ol’ Santa put the kibosh on her delusions, “He’s not like anyone you’ve ever dated before, he can really space out his need to be around you, and that’s very unusual.”  Basically, he would rather have a back alley colonoscopy than spend time with you.  Nicole rationalizes the behavior, Bobby just moves a little slow.  And is a “confirmed bachelor”, and is emotionally unavailable, and is a meat head, shall I go on?

Melissa threw on her “I come in peace fedora” and goes to visit her new bestie, sister in law, Tre.  They decide to hang out at the Goo-boo-chay house of horrors since it’s so quiet because Juicy has taken their terrifying children out for the night.  They sip some Fabellini, light the fire, and curl up on the couch, albeit awkwardly, and decide to watch the Godfather movie.  After all Tre needs to research prison-n-stuff.

In a shameless Bravo cross-promotion, Dina goes to see Vikki Ziegler (of Bravo’s latest flop show “Untying the Knot”).  Dina’s underlying fears are revealed, am I doing the right thing?  Will I ever find love again?  What will become of me now that my shoe money must become mortgage money?  Am I wearing too much body glitter?  None of these “what ifs” matter because Dina has the perfect excuse to wait on the divorce proceedings, Lexi needs to finish school first…

The Non-Dynamic Duo gets together in front of their fire place and they decide to dress Nicole up in a slutty red frock and send Bobby some sexy selfies.  Ter-ess-uh likes Bobby, but she is worried because he was single for “ten, eleven, twelve years.”  (Wow.  Just.  Wow.)  The one-year “where are we headed” pressure looms, but Nicole wants it to happen naturally and slowly like a sleepy sea turtle that was harpooned 11 times with tranquilizer darts.  Ter-ess-uh alludes to why she and Rino divorced and then remarried, she plays it off as some sort of Rino needing to sow his wild oats and bang every stripper in town…Hey Melissa….

Tre and Juicy have a meeting of the mind (yes, that is singular) to go over their calendars.  Juicy tells her “You got to get out there and you got to hustle, I mean, look, you’re the brand. I guess I’m the brawn.”  Tre is stunned that he knows what “brawn” is.  “The brawn is the muscle behind the brand. See, I know some words.”  Yay, Juicy!  Next week we’ll work on shapes and colors!  The bottom line is, Mama Goo-boo-chay has got to pay da’ bills the good ol’ fashioned way.  Leave it to Milania to bust in on the big brain trust and start applying ledger buff white out on everything.  That’s right kid, start that “Cookin’ da’ Books” training early!

Dina is low and depressed on Valentine’s Day that she decides to have a little “Face Time” with her assistant, the gay son she has always wanted.  It’s a full-blown pity party for one, she is scarfing down a box of Walgreen’s cheap chocolates that some boy gave to Lexi, while Grandma Wrinkles, smelling of bacon and feet, cuddles by her side.  Tommy proposed to Dina on Valentine’s Day, so this holiday is particularly rough for our Namaste beyotch.  Dina tests out her “Dream Spa”, which she ordered out of the fall 2013 “Contraptions” catalog.  She shoves her weary head into it and red and orange lasers burn out her retinas.

Dina-Spa

Melissa and Joe go out to celebrate Valentine’s Day and Joe has purchased more buildings and Melissa is worried that Joe is missing out on spending time with the kids.  So much so that Joe actually drove Joey to the wrong school.  No clue where his kid goes to school!  Melissa surprises joe with a book of sexy photos, which causes a fiesta in Joe’s pants.  Later Joe reciprocates the gift by surprising his fambly with a puppy, which quickly takes their minds off of losing their aunt.

The Non-Dynamic Duo, Rino, Bobby, Santa, and Sal are all out for dinner and reminisce about their favorite sweet moments from when they first met.  Nicole blurts out that Santa is worried about Bobby being a “confirmed bachelor”.  Bobby wants to make sure they take their time, but senses the pressure to show some sort of commitment to Nicole.  He tells a story about giving Nicole a stuffed frog to symbolize the end of her frog kissing days because she has finally found her prince.  Awww…GAG.

Tre shows up at “The Wine Guy”, wearing her Muppet cloak of death, to sign bottles of Fabellini and take photos.  The fans line up and start asking her personal questions.  Amber Alert shows up in her Kangol hat of peace to fish for gossip help Tre with the appearance.  Victoria Gotti shows up and cuts in line to get directly to her former Celebrity Apprentice pal.  Victoria invites them over for a drink and a side of slander.  Amber Alert is a bit troubled, but she whips on her bullet proof vest, activates her GPS tracking device embedded in her skull, and agrees to go.

Tre, Amber Alert, and Victoria Gotti sit down to talk the straight dope.  Victoria is an ol’ school G and knows Rino and his dirty laundry from way back.

Gotti

Victoria had some sort of heart attack thingie from smoking too many unfiltered cigarettes, and Rino showed up in the ICU with a diamond Rolex watch.  Victoria would not accept the gift and fired all of her henchmen for allowing Rino past the door, but she decided to keep Rino around as a friend.  Rino later told Victoria and an alleged group of people at a dinner table about his divorce.  He cheated, but that wasn’t the faux pas, it was who he cheated with that sent the crowd reeling… Amber Alert and Tre are grasping hands on the edge of their Samsonite folding chairs, expecting to hear that it was Ter-ess-uh’s twin sister, Nicole.  Totes understandable, a classic case of “twin fetish”, but no it turns out it was OH HO HO HO, AWWW HELL NAW – SANTA!  Yes, honest to crap, he slept with his mother in law.  Amber Alert and Tre need a few moments to re-hinge their jaws and so do I.  Santagate is the last thing I expected and I can’t wait for the fall-out from this little controversial convo.

Amber-Gossip

Next week, the courtroom drama heats up for the Goo-boo-chays, but who the hell cares, Rino slept with SANTA!