Hearts of Darkness

We begin this week with the ever domestic Porsha preparing a “just add water” frozen meal kit so she and gal pal, Phaedra, can catch up on all the latest dirt.  Phaedra is all about the Cynthia bashing, stating she was throwing hand signals and she’s all “about ‘dat life”.  She can’t understand Cynthia’s hostility, after all, even Phaedra’s mother supports Cynthia by “purchasing clothing from the plus size catalog that Cynthia models for.”  BURN CYNTHIA…YOUR EXPLODING ASS AND ALL!  Okay Phaedra, as if you should talk, you have far surpassed muffin-top region and entered into busted can o’ biscuits territory.  Phaedra goes on to claim she has dirt on Cynthia and Peter, but “no one is going to put out a story about fibroids and dry vaginas.”  The two say grace over their plate of Hamburger Helper and pray that it be calorie free.

Kandi suggests she and Todd begin their homework assignments given by Dr. Sherri and they start with the pro and con list.  Todd rolls his eyes and says “that was whack!”  Kandi lists a con for Todd, he’s mad all the time and won’t let it go.  While Todd’s con for Kandi is that she won’t deal with a damn thing, which explains why he’s pissed off all the time.  When asked to list a pro – Todd is completely stumped and then weakly busts out with “very family oriented”.  In the same breath, he mutters that he “has to get to a meeting”.  Kandi seems to be familiar with her own cons, “won’t deal with her mom”.  Somewhere in the ATL, Mama Joyce and her sisters are throttling up their “told you so” wrecking ball.

Across town, Nene shows up at Phaedra’s looking like the bride of Frankenstein was caught in a catfight.  Maybe she got a jolt when she was trying to wrestle Gregg back inside the electric fence.  The ladies discuss the hilarity of waving pocketbooks over Brazilian meats, but Phaedra has no remorse, she was “on the run” after Apollo went HAM (Hot Ass Mess) in her garage.  How dare Cynthia have the audacity to talk such foolishness!  Phaedra is no longer “on the run”, but she has a severe case of the sads.  She has to turn to Nene for support now that her “ride or die” BFFL Kandi has been MIA.  Of course Nene uses the opportunity to showcase what a great friend she is, but Phaedra doesn’t realize that Nene is in the “NFL” (No Friends Left).  If Nene were such a great friend, she would give Phaedra some guidance on her earring choices.

Nene-Frankenwig

In more Kandi-land dysfunction, Kandi drops by Phaedra’s lawyering playhouse to find out what the beef is between them.  Kandi can’t speak to her ol’ pal without her voice rattling.  They chat a bit and Phaedra explains that Kandi was not there during her time of need when Apollo went all HAM before he went Ass-under.  Kandi explains that she was dealing with the trauma of the death of her dream, “A Mother’s Love”, and she had the chore of laying off masses of third-rate actors.  She had to stash what little millions she had left under her mattress and find a way to move on.  Phaedra pretends to be sympathetic, but there Kandi goes again, putting her career and money before those who are closest to her.  They eventually get back to the script and agree to move forward.  When asked if she will participate in going to the group therapy with Dr. Jeff, Phaedra replies that she doesn’t need to be around “these dark hearts”.

Meanwhile, Claw-dia is contemplating suicide as she discusses attempting stand-up comedy with her co-worker Gary.  Claw-dia can be mildly amusing at best, but she does not have the constitutional fortitude to make it as a stand-up comedian.  She feels stifled on the radio show, however Gary explains that Ricky Smiley is the star and she should abort any ambitions of being the comedic relief.  Stay in your lane home girl, Ricky got ‘dis!  In this segment, we see Claw-dia with a new look for her one-on-one with the camera, and she has a black dress and wig and finally looks descent.  If she can look that nice, why does she walk around looking like a skank who fell ass backwards in the clearance bin at Forever 21?

Later, Claw-dia meets with her pal, Luenell, who comes in the bar lookin’ like a low-rent Miss Cleo.  She hoists herself up on the bar stool and she has to “manspread” so that her gut has a place to hang.  Luenell pulls no punches, she doesn’t like the Rickey Smiley show, Claw-dia should jump off a cliff before attempting stand-up, and Lu needs her drink so badly that she can’t take a moment to take the wrapper off her drinking straw.

Claudia-Lu

We later see Claw-dia do a practice performance at the “Uptown Comedy Corner” and by the looks of their sign, it appears the place is located in a third rate strip mall that has massive potholes in the parking lot.

It’s time for the group therapy session with Dr. Jeff and the last 15 minutes of the show.  Dr. Jeff forewarns Nene that she will be “held to the same standards as the other ladies”, translation = I will put your ass on full-blown elephant hose blast.

Claw-dia is wearing her “fix it Jesus” earrings to protect her and Kandi copes by hitting the buffet.  Nene starts the group off with her chief complaint, which is that “we hear all this stuff about being a grown ass woman, but the woman-ness has not been displayed.”  The whole thing goes completely off the rails before Kandi can even get to the dessert table.  Kenya reflects back on the drunken laughing between she and Nene at the tavern when they agreed to be friends, then during their next encounter, Nene looked at her as if she had the deadly Ebola virus.  Nene is sitting by Dr. Jeff as if she is a facilitator and not part of the issue.  Her plan is to keep the candy bowls full while Dr. Jeff works is magic and tells everyone else how wrong they are.

Nene-Dr.Jeff-2

Dr. Jeff drills it down and tells Nene that it isn’t that tough to admit that you were working toward a friendship, and you actually had… like… feelings.  Nene goes on defense toward Dr. Jeff, “you don’t know me like ‘dat!”  Now we have reached DEFCON 3 –Jerry Springer level.

Kandi-stunned

Claw-dia confronts Nene for giving her the cold shoulder and calls it a bi-polar experience, which sends Nene over the edge.  Dr. Jeff’s solution to control this seething cauldron o’ crazy… “let’s not mix apples and oranges”.  Well, isn’t that what we are doing here, Dr. Jeff, Master of the Obvious?  None of these ladies should be, or would be, friends outside of this show.  Friends don’t let friends tear out each other’s weaves.  It’s time they all admit defeat and forgo the Bravo paychecks.  Dr. Jeff asks the group to be “very careful with our words”, or they will all be in a time out in the corner.  Cynthia apologizes for her part in things that have caused a rift with Nene and she goes back to the dreaded charity event where Nene called Peter a bitch.  Kandi joins in by airing her grievances, stating that Nene throws friends away as if they are worn-out, soiled wigs.  Nene goes complete DEFCON 4 – Maury Povich level, and feels attacked.  She calls Cynthia a mean girl and sarcastically asks “did you find your voice yet?”

Dr. Jeff tries to summarize by saying that there were some very strong friendships that have fallen out and Nene pulls the ripcord on her paratrooper jumpsuit.  Attack Nene Day has officially come to an end, brace for impact!  Dr. Jeff gets on his Dora the Explorer walkie-talkie and radios his Psychological SEAL team “secure the perimeter, we’ve got a runner!”  He follows her out to the freight elevator and we are left with “To be continued…”

Nene-Bye

Next week, Nene threatens Dr. Jeff’s license and Phaedra files for divorce now that Apollo is ass-under.

Advertisements

Kandi Krush

Oh pillow talk melee, how we have missed you!  The group ain’t missin’ a beat, Nene is still screaming at Kenya, blaming her for this whole Lifetime Movie crazy mess, while Apollo decides to stomp toward Brandon for round two.  Maybe this time he will pummel him on the love seat or the drink cart, let’s mix it up a bit.  The production crew has intervened and herded everyone into their respective “time out” corners.  As soon as the crew wraps this puppy up, they are off to collect their hazard pay and grab a drink, or twelve.

Nene decides now is the time to give a speech “we are all freaking adults, this is about asking questions and answering them, it ain’t about getting’ all krunk with fistises and shit!”  What in the fresh hell were you thinking, Nene?  Get a room full of people who nary get along, pour booze down their willing gullets, and then drill for personal details about their relationships like you’ve found the damn glory hole!  This situation is fraught with peril, the only one who is acting like she has a remote ounce of sense is Porsha.  She decides to bounce with her assisterant and head home to make sure the dog’s tutus are securely in place.

Christopher apologizes to Nene and takes the floor, he’s pissed off that Kenya disrespected his wife and we are pissed that he is wearing an L.L. Bean lumberjack shirt.  Why isn’t he half-naked or in footie pajama’s like the rest of the crew?  Now that the Brandon beating dust has settled, Kandi decides that this is the moment to make it known that she didn’t appreciate Natalie saying things about Todd.  Hmm…what “things”, did she call him an OPPORTUNIST???  There is that Godforsaken word again!  Natalie clarifies, she never said “opportunist”, she did clarify the dirt that Cynthia was digging up and said he was a cheater, a hustler, knew how to swerve, etc.  First off, I love how Natalie talks about Todd like he isn’t sitting right there and I love how she seems to think that her clarification is an improvement over calling him an “opportunist”.  Cynthia, realizing that her fibrosis sympathy back stage pass is no longer valid, tries to back pedal and say that Natalie also had a lot of great things to say about Todd.  Kandi doesn’t appreciate Cynthia getting’ all up in her shiz, waving her modely finger at her, so Cynthia tries to direct her comments toward Todd.  Then Peter inserts himself between Cynthia and Todd. 

Kandi-fight

Kandi is pissed, “he’s buckin’ up his chest at me, like he gonna do somethin’?”  Peter keeps yelling “you know the rules” and it turns into another full-blown fisticuffs.  Malorie gets involved and actually shoves Todd and Kandi.  Peter keeps mumbling shit like he has rocks in his mouth, I can’t tell if he’s hammered or if he got his jaw jacked somewhere during the fight.  Todd drags Kandi off the scene and Malorie is threatening to beat her ass.  WTF, since when does Malorie have a dog in this fight?  Kandi is going buck wild, “I will DRAG YOU IN THIS BITCH!”  Meanwhile, Nene’s friend Lexus has the right idea.  She sits quietly on the cushy couch, sucking down the free vodka like it’s black tar heroin.

Kandi-drag_you

Phaedra comforts Kandi in the bathroom and back in the suite Peter is trying to have a “man to man” with Todd.  Nene is still bewildered at how this happened.  Everyone disburses and as Apollo walks out, he says “that’s not how I roll” and Phaedra replies, “well that’s not how I roll!”  You can tell by her patented Phaedra tone that she is ready to whoop his ass.

The next day, we are treated to dueling scenes between the groups breaking down their interpretation of events in their respective kitchens.  Kandi breaks it all down, pretty well, to her assistant, Carmon.  Carmon gets a chuckle out of it and says Kandi was acting like Mama Joyce, but Kandi admits it was worse and plans to apologize to everyone.

At Cynthia and Peter’s, Nene and Gregg stop by to hash it all out and Cynthia has it completely twisted.  Cynthia delivers an impression of Kandi gettin’ all up in her grill, which actually didn’t happen.  It was a closer impression to Apollo’s flailing fists of fury.  Peter says it was “a full episode of Jerry Stringer jumpin’ off”.  Yes Peter, especially the part where you held Brandon down so Apollo could Rodney King his ass.

Cynthia-Impersonation

Brandon stops by Kenya’s place to show off his shiner and his broken rib.  All Brandon recalls is Apollo sitting on top of him “like a light skinned gorilla” and Kenya thinks he had a prison flashback.  Brandon has a police report and thinks he “holds all the cards” because a cracked rib is an automatic felony.  Brandon decides he won’t press charges because Phaedra and Apollo have a family and he is thinking of their sons.  It won’t matter anyway because Apollo is going to grey bar hotel for ID theft, he will feel right at home.

At Phaedra’s place, there is a lot of tension between her and Apollo.  He tries to make light of it, calling it “ridiculous” and he didn’t expect someone to walk into his flailing fists of fury windmill!  Do these assholes not realize that ALL OF THIS NUTBAGGERY IS ON VIDEO?!?!  Apollo is packing up his li’l bastard identity theft kit into his busy bee backpack while he tries to justify pummeling Brandon.  Phaedra ain’t buyin’ what this con man is peddling.  Phaedra blames Kenya for the melee because she got out of her seat and started the shit, heck Phaedra didn’t want to go to the party in the first place!  Then she derails off on to some subject about people who have fluffy footie pajama fetishes, or some CRAZY ASS SHIT.  Apollo offers a half-assed Apollo-gy to his wife, but little does she know at this moment, this is the least of their worries.

Well the show must go on, so Kandi arrives at her open casting call for the musical, “A Mother’s Unhinged Psychosis Love”  Don Juan warns the judging panel that it’s an open call so everyone will blow ass.  They run through a medley of horrid singers and only find about two talented people.  Meanwhile across town, Porsha preps for her audition by singing and doing high kicks.  This is hardly worth mentioning, but it provides a tempering transition before the OFFICIAL BRAVO PRODUCER MANDATED RE-RE-RE-HASH, SORTA MAKE UP, BUT NOT REALLY, SORRY NOT SORRY SESH…

And the day has arrived, Kandi summons everyone to a spa for a day of rehashing the pillow talk events gone awry.  Because nothing says “hey, let’s work it out” like changing into hot pink gym uniforms, getting a group massage, and then flying into a blind rage over some green tea.  Cynthia and Phaedra forego the massage and Nene is dreading the whole day and mentions that Brandon was the only one who reached out to her.  However, she is pissed that he somehow got her top secret number.  (Ahem…Kenya).  Phaedra says something off the rails again and says she heard that at this particular spa during the massage, they “put their toes in your butt”.  Nene tacks on by mentioning an herbal vagina cleansing thingie.  W.T.F.???

Everyone finishes up their treatments and they settle in for some green tea and shade.  Kandi apologizes for her behavior right off the bat, but Nene has to have her moment so she bitches out Kenya a bit.  Cynthia raises her hand to wait for her turn, then like a floating, loose tea bag in a seething cauldron of rage, she whirls around and goes after Kandi.  It goes off the rails quickly and flashbacks of the video tape back-up Kandi’s recollection of events.  Cynthia doesn’t apologize for her own actions, but apologizes on behalf of Malorie pushing Kandi.  Phaedra cuts the tension by saying “I hate it when my tea bag breaks in my water”.  Kenya is pissed that Phaedra is ignoring the issue and thinks she will probably “pull out a breast pump next”.  Haha, glad Kenya picked up on that classic Phaedra “F*ck you, get out of my face” move.  Phaedra begins to address her hubby’s actions, but falls short.  She says something about “black women” and “stereotypes” and wraps it up with “Don’t write checks that your butt can’t cash.”

Argue-spa

Kenya stops Phaedra and says Brandon didn’t deserve it (he didn’t), Nene jumps in and says Kenya started it by “jumping out of her seat with her diaper on” (not really, she casually strolled toward Natalie and if Kenya jumped, I think her outfit would have come apart).  They start getting loud and everyone else is embarrassed that these bitches can’t use their indoor irrational skank voices within the confines of the spa.  Kenya is appalled that no one will come to her defense, but she has to realize she has burned many bridges.  Everyone has had enough of this nonsense and they leave the spa, completely not relaxed!

Frenemies

Phaedra and Kandi meet up at the house that the Kandi Factory built, where butterflies fly and bulldogs eat salt and vinegar flavored Pringles.  Phaedra gives Kandi the low down on the Athens trip and Chuck, a.k.a. “the big homey”, and without any provocation whatsoever, Kandi laughs and says “guuuuurl, you mean the little homey?”  Phaedra delivers her classic line of the episode, “I don’t like bite size brownies and I don’t like cocktail sausages, chile puh-leaze.”  Phaedra then explains Chuck’s “team concept” and Kandi recognizes that Chuck must be bringing up their names in order to make himself relevant, because they are two hot, poppin’ chicks and the window on his football fame is closed.  Phaedra recognizes his insecurities, that he is a pig, and she calls him a “light skinned Frankenstein”.  Chuck holds nary a candle to her foyne hubby, Apollo.  Even if he does wear a Charlie Brown backpack.

Phaedra-WeeniesCynthia is wearing her Diana Ross serious conversation wig, and she has a bright idea to host a trunk show so that Malorie can pedal her beaded wares and work up some skrilla and buy a one way ticket home.  Cynthia recounts her argument with Peter and she second guesses herself because she thinks she went too far and crossed the line.  I have to take back the props I gave Cynthia last week for having a backbone.  If anyone crossed a line, it was when Peter suggested he rent a jack shack across town to get away from her!  Peter walks in on the convo and Mal confronts him about starting in on her right out of the gate.  Peter throws Cynthia under the bus for not having a private conversation with him first, and Cynthia dives in front of said bus taking responsibility for her party foul.  However, Cynthia allegedly didn’t know Mal was coming either, or did she???  Dun, Dun, Dun!  Peter tells Mal he has no issue with her staying, but he and Cynthia are going through some issues.  Mal ties a brick to the accelerator of said bus by asking if “it’s a sex thing”.  Totally.  Awkward.  Cynthia promises Peter she will soon turn back into a seething cauldron of passion, which made him once question if he was merely a man whore to Cynthia.  I think she should stick to her guns and kick him in the balls, she just had surgery in her hoo ha region.  But hey, that’s just me…

Cynthia-Diana Wig

Kenya is on her way to the airport to pick up her dad.  She has successfully matched her dress to her lipstick, but life has failed her in the parent department.  Her dad, Ronald, starts criticizing as soon as his ass hits the passenger seat.  “You got your mama’s feet, they look like they got ash foot.”  They get into a hot debate about what constitutes an actual foot corn.  At this point, he shows potential to bring a bit of lighthearted humor to this hot mess express.  I may even be able to tolerate him sounding like Kermit stuck in a wood chipper, but as soon as he says he hates hardwood floors and criticizes the contents of her refrigerator, I feel that he must be banned from the show, and quickly.  Who goes around hating hardwood floors and refrigerated food?  A pure psychopath, that’s who!  Kenya sits him down on her ugly ass furniture to have a serious conversation about working issues out with her mother and Ronald shoots down the idea immediately, once again leaving Kenya emotionally stalled out like Bentley on blocks.

Porsha sits down with her attorney after the mediation meeting with Kordell.  Porsha and Kordell cannot reach an agreement and since they have no prenup, they may need to go to trial.  Porsha’s lawyer thinks she looks too fabulous to win anything significant in the case, but “fabulousness aside”, Porsha can’t put a dollar value on her heart.  Her lawyer mops the sweat from his brow, revealing that he hopes the settlement will cover his legal fees and then maybe there will be enough left over to provide Porsha a meager future in a van down by the river.

At the actual Kandi Factory, Kandi and Todd talk about the progress of her musical, but he discourages her from using her existing team on the play because they have never done a project of this nature.  Experienced people should be handling the play, oh and by the way he’s off to New York to interview for a job on an international traveling show and if he gets it, he will be gone for several months.  Kandi gets upset, but I am not completely sure why, this is after all what Todd does for a living.  And what better way to show everyone he is not an opportunist, by continuing to work in his own independent career?  I’m sure the underlying Mama Joyce tension is not helping and we will just write this one off to bad timing.

Cynthia and Nene arrive at Kenya’s house for a visit and Kenya is dressed in coveralls, pretending that the decked out gals are going to help her paint.  The ladies are more concerned about how Kenya can afford the Bentley in the driveway.  Cynthia speculates that she is selling a lotta booty videos.  Kenya insists it’s her mystery African man who takes care of her.  Dad Ronald is introduced and he starts the convo out on the sexist foot, he doesn’t believe that women should tell men what to do, it’s his way or no way.  Nene is appalled, but he leers at her like a creeper and tells her he would treat her like a queen, and then he exits stage left.  Any professional creeper knows, you gotta leave ‘em wanting more.  Kenya tries to jab Nene back by asking her why she won’t do Kandi’s play, after all the “New Normal” was cancelled.  Cynthia calls the play the “chitlin circuit”, whatever the hell that means, and Nene says she has no time for it, after all she just left a Ryan Murphy production.  Bitch puh-leaze, you gonna run into the same people on the way down as you did on your way up.

Phaedra and Kandi were traveling in the opposite direction to check out Porsha’s new digs, which are right in Nene’s back yard.  When Phaedra and Kandi get the particulars of the 8,000 square foot McMansion, Phaedra tells Porsha “you done lost your cotton pickin’ mind!”  Porsha claims it’s “motivation”, which is what she heard at the learning Annex the day Peter Thomas spoke.  Porsha tells her pals that the whole teenage texting thingie with Kordell didn’t really pan out.  They eventually talked, but all he gave her was an ultimatum to come home or deal with his attorney, therefore there is no way they can…ahem… “reconciliate” as Porsha put it.  Porsha wants to live in the overpriced Barbie dream bubble.  She likes living alone in the quiet, she is enjoying the silence of no furniture, no cable T.V., and no Kordell using Kandi’s sex toys.  Thank you Phaedra for the demonstration.

At Industry Studios, Cynthia and Malorie are setting up for the trunk show.  She has a few folding tables in a ginourmous space, a few cartons of box wine, some cocktail weenies, and brownie bites!  Cynthia Bailey knows how to throw an event as she orders her stylist to shuffle around the tables so that the jewelry can be featured on its own lonely card table.  Porsha and Kandi show up on time and Porsha tells Cynthia she moved into Nene’s neighborhood, but wanted to surprise her with the news.  Cynthia warns her that people don’t like surprises and Nene is not gonna be happy.

Malorie tells Phaedra that she is staying at Cynthia’s and Phaedra is taken aback.  Kenya senses controversy and inserts herself in the conversation, ready for her weekly meow down.  She has no qualms giving her two cents and tells Mal she is crack-headed crazy for popping in on Cynthia like that.  Mal goes on defense right away and gives Kenya the patented Jerry Springer “bitch, you don’t know me” speech and it starts gettin’ krunk.  Cynthia puts the kibosh on it, takes Mal to the side, and tells her to stop pissing off the customers.

Kandi tells Phaedra and Kenya to keep the lid on the fact that Porsha moved because Porsha wants to “surprise” Nene.  Kenya laughs when she hears the details of Porsha’s McMansion, Porsha must want to head to bankruptcy court also because “the bank won’t accept checks written in crayon.”  READ!

Nene arrives with her sidekick, Mynique, who looked like a tweaked out crack head.  She should be nervous now, these women will skin her alive.  Nene hones in on Phaedra’s snakeskin galoshes and can’t believe she is not in heels.  Of course, Phaedra must deflect the negative attention and can’t possibly keep a lid on a GD thing and she tells Nene she was in her neighborhood visiting someone and Kenya twirls in to say “oh you mean Porsha” and then she twirls away.  Nene starts her rant again, “Porsha is a bad friend!”  Kandi makes a beeline over to Porsha to warn her that the beans were spilled and “it wasn’t me!”  Porsha storms over to Nene right away, grabs her arm, and claims she wanted to surprise her.  Nene ain’t havin’ it and goes off on her, Phaedra slinks away from the shit storm she caused (hence the galoshes), and Kenya is reveling in it in her red curtain dress.  Porsha walks out in disgust, Cynthia follows, and Porsha breaks down.  Nene sees Porsha crying and comes over to basically say “sorry, not sorry, you still kinda suck as a friend”, but Porsha contends it isn’t about Nene.  Whoa.  Porsha is having a tough day and she is tired of being a people pleaser, which is a huge load of self-discovery for her.  Either there is more to this “bad friend” issue between Porsha and Nene, or Nene’s ego is just completely off the rails.  Kenya, sensing that someone else is finally finding their footing in life, decides to start yelling “It’s not a Porsha divorce party!”  Kenya then discovers that the box wine has run dry, even after you tip it, and she twirls across the street into oncoming traffic, but avoids getting run over.

Kenya-Street

Next week, Kenya announces she is going to have a child and more Todd opportunist accusations fly.