Customer Appreciation

Another boring week in the ATL, I don’t know about y’all, but I am ready to ditch these lackluster peaches for some new drama in the form of RHOPotomac!  Shamea opens this week by stopping by the Kandi Koated Kerfuffle Factory, plopping down in the hot pink pleather inquisition chair, and confronting the Kandi Koated Klique.  Don Juan immediately adopts his “Bitch, Please” deportment of disgust and Kandi knows right away that there’s a problem she missed while at the dippin’ sauce corral.  Carmon jumps in on the action and she and Don Juan rip Shamea to shreds and can’t believe she is taking information from a sorry ass beyotch who doesn’t even know that the Underground Railroad isn’t an actual train.  This means you, Porsha Williams-Stewart!  Kandi handles the skirmish calmly, but the viewers can see that she is seething underneath her swollen bosoms.

Don Juan - bitch please

Todd and Phaedra finally meet face to face to discuss the finance situation over the never-released Phine Pregnancy work out DVD.  Phaedra takes a dig at Todd in her one on one with the camera, insinuating his career is flailing and his allowance from Kandi isn’t cuttin’ the mustard greens.  Phaedra plays the “single mother I can’t afford to pay you” card and claims that she now wants to finish the DVD and release it so she can sell four copies.  Todd walks her through the budget and provides copies of her cancelled checks, which boils down to her owing him about $8K and a pregnancy photo for the cover of the DVD.  Time to pull out the old photos from the Phine pregnancy pickle shoot!

Phaedra - Pickle

In Porsha-Land, she is in L.A. working the Emmy’s red carpet for Dish Nation.  She spends most of her time getting primped and berating her sister Lauren for getting knocked up and leaving her high and dry without an assistant to reply to her e-mails and select the proper Bitmojis.  Porsha gives absolutely zero f*cks about the little life about to squeeze out of her sister’s cooter and expects her to find her own replacement and work up until the moment the water breaks on her rented Louboutin’s.

Kenya welcomes her dad, Ronald, for a visit.  He critiques the glass of water she serves him, her new house before he even sees it, and he offers suggestions for her dating adventures and suggests keeping a score card.  We learn that four days ago, Kenya attended a relationship seminar.  She realized that her dysfunctional family relationships are damaging her dating dealings.  Well duh!

Later, Kenya and Ronald go for a walk and she is trying to have a serious talk with him, but all of the sudden, Ronald turns into an arborist with a passion for trees.  Kenya gets him to stop licking the bark on the trees he’s admiring long enough to park it on a bench and chat.  We learn that Kenya ran away from her father after he moved the family to Houston, TX and then they didn’t speak for years.  Ronald felt like a failure after Kenya left and he throws in a tree analogy to symbolize his pain.  He makes Kenya feel bad for being a surly teenager, but newsflash Ronald…you were the adult.  You don’t get to pout.  Kenya wants to have a family reunion in Detroit, but Ronald is resistant and wants to leave things in the past.  I’m not sure how they ended this, nor do I really care.  They hug it out, hug a tree…annnnd scene!

At the Bailey Agency for Wayward Models, Cynthia meets with Marlo to help set up the venue for a “Customer Appreciation” knockoff eyewear promotion event where the Kandi Koated Klique and Porsha will stage their next fight.  Later, Cynthia and Papa Smurf meet up with Kandi and Todd for dinner.  Cynthia comments that Kandi is at the “booty do stage, where the belly sticks out more than the booty do!”  But Kandi won’t let her booty slow her down, she dutifully fills them in about the Porsha Phaedra, Shamea, Don Juan scuttlebutt.  Kandi adds that she has always been supportive of Porsha – apparently, Porsha released a single called “Flatline”.  Todd jokes that the single literally “flat lined”, which must be true.  We surely would have known about said single, I think we need a karaoke performance of this on WWHL…STAT!

Porsha - Flatline

Fast forward to Cynthia’s customer appreciation event so we can get this over with.  First off, what the ever-lovin’ hell is Marlo wearing?  Who does she think she is, Li’l Kim?

Marlo Dress

Porsha initiates a conversation with Kandi and takes her aside to discuss in private.  Of course Don Juan and Carmon will not permit the idiot hooker to talk to their leader alone.  The dynamic duo bops on over to provide backup for a conversation, of which they heard one sentence.  Don Juan apologizes for coming across aggressive, but he isn’t changing his stance that Porsha is an asshole slut from hell that smells of stadium hot dog water.  Porsha doesn’t want to talk in front of everyone and Kandi tells her they don’t have to talk at all, but “don’t expect no extra push from me, no extra shit from me!”  She’s pissed as hell, and she ain’t taking it anymore!!!  I have to say I wish this fightin’ Kandi would come out more, the pregnancy hormones must be making her feisty.  Porsha and Shamea storm out and Don Juan trails off, cracking another Underground Railroad joke.

Kandi Klique

At the end of the episode, Kandi meets Porsha for a confrontation lunch.  They try to make small talk, but fail miserably.  Kandi felt that Shamea and Don Juan should be part of the conversation since they witnessed the gossiping and Porsha wants to argue her side, but claims she isn’t taking sides between Kandi and Phaedra.  Kandi tells her that she is “full of shit”, and again I am enjoying this spirited “take no prisoners” Kandi.  Phaedra wanted Apollo gone before he even had to go, so Phaedra can’t play the “woe is me” card.  Kandi also points out that as an attorney, Phaedra is a master of manipulating the situation and she will not be attending any sip-n-see pity party.  Porsha, unexpected voice of reason, maturely points out that even though Phaedra wanted Apollo and his power drill to vanish, it didn’t make it any less painful.  With that, Kandi seems to simma down and they squash the beef.  Porsha asks if there is anything she can do to bring the Kandi/Phaedra machine back to life, but Kandi doesn’t see it ever getting back into proper working order.

Simma Down

Next week, Mama Joyce takes the law into her own hands and pays Counselor Parks a visit.  Kenya visits her mother, but I am not sure we will get an actual confrontation.

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Kung Fu Panda

The only time wearing leggings as pants is acceptable would be when kick fighting.  It gives the kicker a full range of motion to better overtake their opponent.  Thank goodness Cynthia had the foresight to throw on those leggings under her sundress.  She delivers a heel to Porsha’s bread basket and the deck hand and a camera man tackle Porsha down on a lounge chair as she is bucking like a rodeo horse to get loose.  Oh where is Mama Joyce with her Wal-Mart wedgie of death when you need her?!?!  The girls scatter into two groups to even out the weight distribution in the boat.  Kenya is calling SECURITY to get Porsha and Shamea off the boat and on to a dingy to transport the two thugs back to dry land.

Kenya-Security

Kandi and She by Shereé are wondering where Tammy is, only to find her down in the cabin sitting in a drunken stare.  Cynthia calls Papa Smurf, and he agrees to come home to tell her she acted a fool in person.  Kim is visibly shaken by the whole scene and it reaffirms the fact that she is content with her family, her snacks, and her library book!  Hmmm… this is a buzz kill not even She by Top Knot can deal with.

she by top knot

For the next 20 minutes or so, it’s the hash, hash, rehash, justify actions, backpedal, side step… Porsha is all bruised up due to her fight with the “wild ghetto cat” and there is not enough body glitter in the ATL to heal her broken spirit.  Porsha confides in her mother, who delivers a pickup truck bed full of foil-wrapped comfort foods, while WEARING FLESH COLORED LEGGINGS AS PANTS!

Kim and her “Mad Max” hair meet up with Phaedra, and Kim recounts the situation.  Phaedra claims Porsha was cut on her stomach, but Kim verifies that Cynthia had on flats she ordered from Zappos.  Kim gets line of the night “this is being analyzed like the JFK assassination!”  Welcome to RHATL, Kimmie!

Kim - mad max

Kandi treats Don Juan and Cameron to the recap and Don Juan busts out his best impersonations, but ends up sounding more like Mama Joyce.  Kenya vents to her Aunt, who consults her “Iyanla Fix My Life Workbook” and encourages Kenya to get the girls together for another Bravo mandated meal from hell.

Papa Smurf arrives from Charlotte and Cynthia is looking for support, but isn’t getting what she expects.  Peter Thomas, unlikely voice of reason, actually points out to her that if she kicked Porsha she likely hurt her.  He also points out that his bride is likely acting out of her frazzled emotional state, and it has nothing to do with Porsha.  Cynthia freaks out a bit, and not because she was wearing leggings as pants and hideous Crocs, but because she realizes she needs to suck it up and apologize to Porsha.

Kandi needs to deal with her own stomach kicking, so she and Todd visit Dr. Jackie for a checkup.  No big news here except that when Dr. Jackie couldn’t find the heartbeat, Todd found that to be an opportune moment to step out and make a call.  WHAAAAT?

Kandi Checkup

Across town, Counselor Parks has her own agenda – busting out the Snoopy Snow Cone Machine!  Ayden, who is clearly the brains of the operation, comes up with the most brilliant idea ever, which is to put cookies through the crushing machine instead of ice.  This is all I need right here, Ayden should have his own show.

Kenya calls her BFF Cynthia, a.k.a. Kung Fu Panda, to discuss her Bravo mandated Iyanla “Fix My Life” Brunch, which will give Cynthia an opportunity to get back on track with Porsha.  Kenya is actually offering some sound advice for once, she thinks Cynthia and Porsha need to talk as soon as they can and not let it fester.  On brunch from hell day, Kenya has a face to face with Porsha to prep her for the impending confrontation and I’m not sure why we even had to deal with this, other than to preview Kenya’s hideous, billowy, romper-type, flashdance-esque number that looks like she fashioned it from her grandmother’s guest bed dust ruffle.  She looks like an insane housewife from one of the square states.

Porsha takes the opportunity to point out Kenya’s bad behavior on the boat, bringing the negativity, etc.  The two deflect, backpedal, and bust out the electric slide, but then agree to move forward and Porsha agrees to play nice with Cynthia.  Not to mention her Bravo paycheck depends on it.

At the brunch location, everyone is late except for Kandi and Kim.  Kim makes it clear that she is not down with CPT and she has shit to do (that library book ain’t gonna read itself!).  Annnnd I looooovvve how Kandi plays along as if she is always on time!  Haha, that beyotch will be late for her own funeral!  Phaedra isn’t sure why she is at the “unity luncheon”, but she is not one to miss a meal and a good show.  Kenya and Porsha arrive together, fresh off their one on one.  Kim is no-nonsense with the group and lays the cards out on the table and wants to know where Cynthia and Porsha stand and why Cynthia is wearing a shirt with her own picture on it.  Porsha and Cynthia excuse themselves to go take up space in the restaurant to hash it out.  Apparently Cynthia thinks she is starring in “Sex and the City”, she is all prom dress on the bottom, Bailey Agency softball team on top.  How very Carrie Bradshaw.

Carrie Bradshaw

Back at the main brunch table from hell, Kandi calls Kenya out for being guilty of not recognizing her own wrongs, but Kenya let it go because it’s not good karma to fight a pregnant woman.  Meanwhile, Cynthia and Porsha apologize to each other and air-hug it out.  The rest of the gang applauds…annnnd hopefully we never have to talk about this.  Ever.  Again.

Kandi Call Out

Next week, the gang is in Miami, Porsha gets her THOT on, Kim wants no part of the group.  She by Shereé accuses Tammy of sleeping with her ex-hubs, and Kenya calls SECURITY!

Oh What a Tangled Weave…

Everyone is on sugar and oversized furniture overload at the Kandi Factory, it seems the staff is dropping the ball on Kandi’s projects and Todd ain’t happy about it.  Kandi has a pow-wow with her team about working cohesively to make her brand bigger.  Don Juan cannot hide his disdain, for he knows this is coming from Todd, the miniature spouse that could.  Don definitely feels “somekindaway” about Todd, “I definitely think we should take a look at Kandi Burruss prior to Todd.  We have stores all across the United States, a successful Bedroom Kandi line, and a songwriting career that spans across 60 million records sold plus a Grammy.  Annnnd Todd Tucker’s resume reads what? I’ll wait on it…”

Kandi-Meeting

After the reprimand, Don plops down in the hot pink office chair in front of Kandi to voice his opinion about Todd’s meddling.  He doesn’t get too far with her, citing examples of how he has sacrificed his personal life for her and she basically tells him he is “ride or die”, so pick up your nut sack and get out of my hot pink pleather chair!  Later, Todd and Don get into it, Todd spouts off some delusional idea about how Kandi should be collaborating with Obama, but “at the end of the day” they just want Team Kandi to be better and Don Juan has to manage and lead in a way that allows him time for his own personal life.  They fist bump it out, but of course, this doesn’t go down without a final read from Don about Todd needing a step stool so they can talk eye to eye.

DonJuan

Meanwhile, across town, Claudia Jordan tries to make nice with Porsha Stewart since they rub elbows at work, but Porsha snubs her peachy replacement.  Claudia suspects the snub is Kenya-related, but I think Porsha is still reeling from her “Peach REVOKED” status.  Porsha should just be gracious and be glad someone in ATL who isn’t Kordell Stewart is writing her a check.

Cynthia pops over to a boutique in her royal blue cloak and matching royal blue umbrella and Kenya meets her in torn jeans and a floppy hat.  Claudia will be coming along later and Cynthia is hyped, “she seems really cool.”  Yeah, until she pisses you off.  Claudia arrives and they start trying on footwear, but Claudia declines because she has self-described “struggle toes”.  Kenya asks if they resemble the “Boomerang toes”, but Claudia says she wishes they were that nice.  ICYMI:

BoomerangToes

Cynthia brings up her issues with Porsha and the “We Hate Porsha Williams” club is now fully formed.  Claudia quickly obtains platinum member status with her work-snub tale.  Kenya encourages Claudia to have a sit down with Porsha, but warns her that Porsha is dumber than Handerpants.

Handerpants

The other half of the faction, known as “The Kenya Moore Hate-Club”, hits the spa.  I hope Phaedra plans to get a polish change, her nails are creepy long and neon yellow.  Although, she no longer looks like a busted can o’ biscuits, the “Prison Stress Diet” is working to her favor.  The gang discusses the Porsha/Cynthia caucus and Porsha claims Cynthia (“Mini-Nene with a long face”) did the “robot read” and recited things from a list Peter created.  Because as we know, Peter Thomas is the diabolical puppet master of the ATL.  Nene chimes in and says that she was blindsided by Cynthia at the reunion and will never be friends with her again, but wishes her the best and has “no hate for her and her afro.”  The convo turns to Apollo-gate and Nene doesn’t believe that he lied at all and he only lied about lying just to sting Phaedra.  As her latest minion, Porsha backs up Nene on the new conspiracy theme.

Apollo and Peter get together at Bar One for a drink and Apollo trash-talks Phaedra by revealing that she used to booty call him when he was living in the projects, wearing an ankle monitor, and sleeping on an air mattress.  Peter clarifies, “She used to come see you when you was on the air mattress, Dawg?”  “Yes, on the AIR MATTRESS!”  Ergo…since she was hotter than a half-f*cked fox in a forest fire over him, despite him being down and out, living on an AIR MATRESS of all things, she should still be his ace boon coon today.  Somewhere, Phaedra Parks is mortified and fashioning a shiv out of his old ankle monitor casing.  Apollo further explains that Kenya made him look bad by revealing the texts that he did send her, so he decided to flip the script on her because he hadn’t yet perfected his backpedal shuffle.  Get a clue asshole, you make yourself look bad all on your own.  Peter says he spoke to Kenya about the lies and she “seemed cool”.  Apollo has the audacity to flash a grin…“do you think she’ll come visit me?”  Yeah ass hat, she can’t wait to hide crank in her coochie crack and smuggle it into prison for you, so you can trade it for commissary…As if

We are treated to a brief interstitial of Ayden picking out a puppy.  I cannot even believe this sweet, precious boy was spawned from immoral, pump-n-dump Apollo sperm.  Did your heart just melt when he was training the dog?  “Stay in control”, “Excuse me! I’m walking the dog!”, “I know all about dogs!”  I think he should get his own show!  If anything, he is living proof that Phaedra’s marriage to Apollo was not a total loss.

Ayden-Dog

Claudia and Porsha meet up for lunch and Porsha gives her the courtesy of being on time.  Claudia cuts right to the chase and tells Porsha she felt the work-snub was shady and she don’t want no trouble.  Porsha claims it’s nothing personal, but Claudia throws out the Kenya card and suggests that Porsha and Kenya work it out.  Porsha’s head spins around a few times and she says something about her “intellectual mind frame”, as if it’s something she picked up at Pottery Barn, and then concludes by telling Claudia to mind her bidness when it comes to the rift with Kenya.  Next, Stonewall Jackson artfully changes the subject by applying some Tom Ford lotion and asks Claudia to smell her hands.

Kandi and Kenya get together for a kick-you-while-you’re-down boxing work out.  While they are stretching, Kandi admits that she didn’t believe Kenya’s denials about text-gate and offers her an apology, which Kenya appreciates.  Of course, Kandi the shit-stirrer in training, can’t leave well enough alone.  Kandi fills her in on the conspiracy spa-day of horrors and tells Kenya that the main gang thinks Apollo lied about lying.  Kenya loses her shiz, storms off, and shoves the cameras out of her face for heightened drama.  We can still hear the audio as Kenya sobs about this rumor and Kandi presumably hands her a wad of toilet paper.

Kenya-Bathroom

Next week it looks like we will be treated to the Bravo mandated group dinner from hell where enemies collide.

(Photo Credits:  Bravo.com and StraightfromtheA.com)

Ashy to Ashy, Dust to Dust

Part 3 of this stinkin’ reunion can’t be done soon enough, I am so over these ladies it’s all I can do to muster up a few lowlights, so here we go…

1.  Battle of the Titans

We revisit the fact that Nene and Kenya have arguing down to a science, who has the best weave, fakest butt, and biggest paycheck.  Kenya feels that Nene is not a good friend, but rather a controlling dictator.  She whips out a text from Nene where she allegedly told Marlo that if she filmed with Kenya, their friendship was dunzo.  Nene also subjected Cynthia to a three-way call with Kenya on the same subject.  Kenya keeps yelling “bye Felicia”, which must be the invisible housewife that only Kenya can see.  Nene chides Kenya for “popping her gums”, Kenya fires back “at least my gums are original and not from Petco.”  Which is actually kinda funny, but really, we are resorting to insulting each other’s gums?  After these two get done arguing, Kandi puts Nene on blast for bad mouthing Mama Joyce, calling the throwing of the Wal-Mart Wedgie behavior “down in the gutter”.  Bottom line, Nene can dish it all day, but she can’t take it one bit.

Nene addresses her foul behavior and speech (or lack thereof) at the charity event.  She calls Kenya a wolf in sheep’s clothing and offers to put differences aside if Kenya will match a $20K to the charity of Kenya’s choice.  Of course to make her point that she out earns Kenya, Phaedra wants in on that action and says “Certified funds, please!”

2.  Divorce Court?

We spend some more time we will never get back focusing on Cynthia and her husband’s abhorrent communication skills.  Cynthia says everything that bugs her about Peter today were the reasons she fell in love with him.  Kiss.  Of.  Death.  She makes an odd comment about how she couldn’t really be mad a Peter if he strayed during her fibroid issues.  Wha?  Poor Cynthia, did the Skewl for Wayward Models completely deplete her self-worth?

Speaking of rickety marriages, Phaedra has her own crosses to bear.  This season, she dealt with baby brain, mortuary school, lawyering, and Apollo “check my charges” doing home renovations as part of his work release program.  They bring the lout out, and Apollo is dressed like he fell ass backward into the bargain bin at TJ Maxx.  He claims that rumors of separation are not true and they are in counseling.  Phaedra says it’s going “umm…good”, but she pauses just long enough to be unconvincing.  While Apollo slings his Neanderthal arm around her, practically pulling off her fake hair bun, she makes sure she has her divorce attorney on speed dial.  Phaedra isn’t comfortable putting her marriage out there as “TV fodder”, but Apollo has no qualms announcing that he “got the ol’ Phaedra back three nights ago.”  He continues muttering while Phaedra tries to answer questions and she finally has to shush him.  OHAC asks about his charges and Apollo turns the focus on Kenya and claims “I built you”, meaning he installed that horrific butt implant was her story line.

Apollo-Phaedra

They start re-hashing text-gate, AGAIN, and Phaedra calls Kenya a “sneaky, trifling, slut.”  Apollo claims Kenya is still texting him, and then what happens is something so amazingly, head-spinningly good…Phaedra, in a masterstroke of unwavering southern belle bitchery, delivers the MUTHA OF ALL READS…

“She has nothing else going on, she spends her weekends peddling through sperm banks, looking through catalogs trying to find a donor, honey you don’t know if your baby daddy is an ax murderer or child molester because what you will know is that he needed $10 to get him a medium sized pizza so he ejaculated into a cup so you can have a kid, now check that.”

DAYYYYUM!  DUCK AND COVER…VERBAL BOMB OF OBLITERATION HAS DETONATAED!  HANG ON TO YOUR WEAVES!

phaedra-sperm-bank-quote

Photo credit:  straightfromthea.com

Apollo giggles like a ten year old “you need to get your toe nails done, ‘cuz they’re dirty!”  Yea, no…not quite the insult needed to punctuate his wife’s supremely orchestrated read.

3.  Bring on the Hubbies

Todd, Papa Smurf, and Gregg have joined the stage and we start by dissecting Peter.  You can call him Uncle Ben or Papa Smurf, but please don’t call him a bitch.  Cynthia defends her hubby for having an opinion, and Peter takes a bite of an unripe peach that really challenges his dentures.  It’s clear he is lobbying for position as housewife.  Gregg pipes in and defends Nene, “she never called Peter a bitch she said he was acting like a bitch.”   Acting, is the operative word that makes Nene’s crappy behavior okay.

PeterPeach

Todd the opportunist gets the opportunity to addresses the opportunist statements and he feels the people talking smack were trying to get on the show.  Therefore, they were the opportunists!  He found the Mama Joyce drama very disturbing since she is after all, his mother in law.  Something tells me the Mama Joyce drama ain’t over.

4.  Pillow Brawl

We revisit pillow brawl, which is more petty re-hashing and Nene and Kenya going at it like rabid goats.  Kenya calls Nene “dust”, while Nene relies on her ol’ standby “Miss Ratchet U.S.A.”  On the other side of the couch, Apollo claims he spoke to Brandon at length and apologized for beating him mercilessly as if they were in a prison yard fighting over a pair of fresh undies.  Apollo claims that he shouldn’t have acted that way because he is a “role model” and many children look up to him.  Okay, let’s take this apart at the seams, shall we?  He shouldn’t be acting like that because it’s not okay to jump into a fight that has nothing to do with you and beat someone on a beanbag chair while you are on camera.  Secondary to this ridiculous statement, who are these poor children with no better role model than Apollo “check my charges” Nida?  He is so stupid, I can’t stand it.

OHAC addresses Nene calling Brandon “Queen” and she apologizes for offending anyone in the gay community and she asks OHAC “do I need to pull down your pants and kiss your ass?”  She has either genuinely become a full-blown asshole or she is having a really shitty day.

We are treated to some behind the scenes footage between Phaedra and Apollo after he beat on Brandon.  The truth comes out that Phaedra and Kandi thought the pajama party was odd and didn’t feel comfortable.  Nene was prancing around “the star isn’t here yet”, sarcastically referring to Keyna.  Nene has no equivocations on who is the star of this show, and she is snapping necks and cashing checks to prove it.  This sends Kenya and Nene into yet another dueling match about who owns what and then Gregg is behind Nene pantomiming driving a car.  Because I guess they own their car and don’t have to finance things.  Ugh.  Nene whips out her latest term and calls Kenya “Miss funk box”, which I am guessing is a slam on her aging vagina.  Kenya makes a gesture, calls Nene “Dust” which I am guessing is a slam on her relevance, her age, or the powder in her horrifying wig.

FunkBox

At this time, OHAC wraps it up (thank GOD) and reminds us to tune in to Bravo for Kandi’s wedding special.  Thanks for reading and following me on this magical, uh-may-zing journey.  I’m taking a long break until the bat-shit Jersey girls return!

Front Pedaling Fracas

We begin this week with the party planning expert Dwight, who will assist Phaedra with Mr. President’s inauguration.  Phaedra wants it all done up, after all, she doesn’t merely plan parties, she plans experiences.  They will have secret service men in black, some red, white, and blue champagne, caviar, and a presidential flash mob with dancers.  This shin dig must rival Ayden’s “Sip-N-See” and Phaedra will spare no expense, little did she know at that time, she will need some hefty skrilla to bail her hubby out of jail.

Meanwhile, across town at Industry Studios, the warehouse where it looks like the type of place where you would carry out a hit, Cynthia and Peter discuss attending a Nene sponsored event, “Pillow-Talk.”  Cynthia briefs Peter about how Kandi threw down the “I know shit about Peter’s past” card at the winery lunch from hell.  Peter is interested in what Kandi has to say, but Cynthia wants to shut it down before it gets ugly.  TOO LATE!

Kenya and her aunt Lori go to the doctor so Kenya can find out just how dried up her ovaries are.  Kenya reviews the questionnaire and checks the “yes” box on the “have you experienced mental illness in your family” question.  The doctor tells Kenya that her tests indicated that she has diminished ovary function.  Well no shit.  Options include a conventional pregnancy, donor eggs, or a turkey baster party.  Since her “boyfriend” is busy, not existing in Africa, looks like Kenya will have to visit the sperm bank.

Turkey Baster

Kandi and her dream team are sitting around the Kandi Factory dreaming about who they are going to have star in the musical.  Kandi has secured Eddie Levert from the O’Jays, but Don Juan is against having Porsha perform.  Todd reads the script and recommends Christopher Williams.  Kandi starts to fill Todd in on the Christopher/Natalie drama and Don Juan smartly excuses himself.  He be like “I’m see ya’ like a baby born yesterday, I’m out!”  Kandi tells Todd about the “opportunist” word rearing its ugly head yet again.  Todd rolls his eyes and Kandi assures him that if anyone is “dating up”, it’s her because their relationship is so awesome.  Then she springs the news about attending the pajama pillow talk, soon to be the fiasco of the season, party.  Todd wants no part of it, but Kandi insists.

Kenya and Miss Lawrence arrive at Xytex Corporation, which is a sperm bank and Lawrence asks the receptionist for some “spare lube”, UH…EW!  Kenya drones on about how virile her African man is, but honey, he ain’t gonna do you a bit o’ good SINCE HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY EXIST.  Kenya accosts a handsome man, freshly emerging from the air nookie room, tucking in his meat and veg.  She is all over him like vomit on a Caribbean Cruise and she nabs his donor number.  Kenya is cutting up, she wants the speedy swimmer special, preferably from Michael Jordan or Obama.  The staff sits her down and allows her to list her non-negotiables.  Kenya reads her E-Harmony profile from her iPhone, intelligent, funny, affectionate, well groomed, no body odor, over 6’4”, pretty features, full lips, slender nose, green eyes.  The woman stops writing down her demands and they decide to have Kenya review essays written by donors.  Keyna rejects the first essay due to a grammatical error and then she wants to see the donor rooms.  She is all over the place, I can hardly believe she is serious about this.  The donor rooms are basically a chair, a laptop, instructions on how to punch the monkey into the proper receptacle, and then how to preferably wash your hands afterwards.

It’s the day of Dylan’s Inauguration and it’s on and poppin’.  The trumpets blare and Ayden gets out of the car dressed as Michael Jackson.  Phaedra emerges next, dressed as Minnie Mouse presenting Mr. President in a booster seat.  Apollo is ready to jump out of his skin throughout the event and the two snipe at each other throughout the entire scene.  Phaedra breaks out into dance with the governmental flash mob and she looks utterly ridiculous, but I have to give her props because she doesn’t give a shit.  Phaedra goes for a wardrobe change and Apollo continues bitching.

Mr.Pres-Innauguration

Flash forward to the Hotel Intercontinental Buckhead, and why we all tuned in tonight instead of watching those horrid Grammys.  Nene lights pink candles in preparation for her “pillow talk” party.  Nene says the goal of the night is to get everyone talking and break the tension.  Will it work?  All signs point to “NO” on my magic hate ball.  Cynthia arrives first so she and Nene can talk dirt, Natalie and Christopher are coming and Cynthia is wary about Kenya being there and she is concerned it could go off the rails.  Oh Cynthia, you slick harbinger.  We already know from the much hyped previews that this shindig goes south in a hot Atlanta minute.

The rest of the gang trickles in, but nobody is happy to see Natalie and Christopher.  Kandi thinks Nene is “geeked up” because she is bouncing around the room like a nut job.  Sidebar:  Nene is wearing some sort of mullet nightie that looks like a wad of used elephant tampons after being put through a blender, and lawd put some damn pants on!

Nene-Nightie

Kenya is late, but Nene is getting irritated so she gets started.  She asks the group very pointed questions in order to put people on blast and start the slow burn of the shit show.  She asks a question about being uncomfortable around someone you know your mate has had relations with.  Cynthia asks Peter, he at least has a sense of humor about it and says he hangs out with Leon all the time.  The next question is about having a partner who is bi-sexual, and Nene puts the interrogation light on Porsha.  Porsha gets line of the night and mad props for her clever answer, “you need to be Porsha-sexual if you with me!”

Kenya knocks at the door, but Nene slams it in her face.  Kenya trails in, lookin’ like a fairground stripper, with her hyper friend Brandon in tow.  Nene lays into her and lectures her about being late, but Kenya claims she had to pick Brandon up at the airport.  Nene goes on to the next question about men looking at other women, Porsha pipes up saying she would have a problem with her man going to a strip club and Natalie agrees.  Peter says they are “whack as f*ck” because he loves the strip club and he conducts “business” there.  Yes, the same kind of “business” they conduct at the Xytex Corporation.  Peter claims he doesn’t get lap dances, but Kandi perks up because she has seen him doing so at a club.  Kandi spills the beans because she doesn’t want to be put in a position where she would have to lie about it.  Nene tells everyone that due to her experience working as a stripper she knows what goes on at a strip club and the gloves are off (pun intended), anything goes.

Apollo must have had too much Gin-N-Juice, because he proudly jumps up and admits to blowing (pun intended) $5,000 – $8,000 at the strip club.  Just about everyone is appalled and Kenya suspects that the money comes from his “allowance.”  However, with the recent news about Apollo “check his charges” Nida, strippers in Atlanta everywhere are dancing around with someone else’s retirement money in their coochie cracks.  Christopher Williams offers his two dollars and says he can’t justify spending money on that because he grew up poor, besides the wiry, feisty Natalie insists she takes care of her man.  Nene decides to take the floor and confront Kenya about the stuff she said about Natalie being a gift certificate “common law” wife.  Christopher stands up and approaches Kenya while Kenya tries to clarify what she actually said.  Natalie starts yelling and waving her finger, “don’t back pedal now!”  Keyna corrects her as she gets up and walks toward her, “no this is front pedaling”.  Christopher puts his hand on Kenya’s arm and all hell breaks loose.  Brandon jumps to defend his keeper and Peter flies up to him and gets pushed like an Uncle Ben rag doll.  Careful, he could break a hip! 

Fight2

Peter pushes Brandon back into a bean bag chair and Apollo starts whaling on him like it’s a hot day out in the prison yard.  Gregg gets Christopher in a head-lock and Todd helps take him out of the room.  Apollo is going ape shit, attacking Brandon viscously, to the point where it’s downright scary.  Phaedra and Kenya are trying to pull Apollo off Brandon, but to no avail.  Production crew swarms in and eventually everyone is torn apart.  It’s a full-blown, bat shit crazy, pajama party pound down!  Where is Phaedra Sparks with her Tazer?  Where is ReDICKulous with his colossal, twirling, penis that leaves everyone speechless?  Where is SECURITY?!?!?!?!

Apollo-Fight

This fight might actually be worse than the New Jersey brawl – See “Italian Where it Counts”:  https://realityweecap.wordpress.com/2013/07/23/italian-where-it-counts/.  The only thing that kinda lightened the scene was the sight of Gregg standing on the sidelines going “mmmm hmmm, mmmm hmmm” and Chuck “Big Homey” Williams cowering behind his wife, Mynique.  In case you missed it:

Chuck-Hiding

Kenya says Apollo is “beating Brandon like he’s in his jail cell fighting for his virginity”, and that is no joke.  Nene started this whole ramshackle disaster and then she screams at Kenya, blaming her for starting it by getting out of her seat and charging at Natalie.  Everyone else is dispersed and process what happened.  Phaedra is lecturing Apollo and somethin’ in the buttermilk ain’t clean.  Apollo is compelled to rip off his shirt and mic and charge at Brandon again.  Assorted screams are heard and FADE TO BLACK!

The wives return on February 9th and the fisticuffs continues, Peter gets into Todd’s grill, Brandon has a broken rib, and Kandi gets crunk with Cynthia.

Swerve and Hustle, but Don’t Get it Twisted!

We kick off this week with Cynthia and Peter celebrating three long years of marriage at Bar One.  Nothing says “I love and cherish you” like celebrating your anniversary with your geriatric hubby in the failing bar where he squandered your short-lived modeling fortune.  Enter new wannabe friends on the scene, Christopher and Natalie Williams.  They discuss secrets of a happy and lasting marriage and it turns out that Cynthia is going to have to go 50 shades with grandpa.  Christopher speaks about his acting chops and how he has worked with Nene and Kenya, but Cynthia leads him to the Kandi pool of scumfuckery and forces him to drink the fresh brewed Todd bashing potion.  Natalie is more than happy to walk into that rat trap and she offers up the fact that Todd used to date a friend of hers and broke her heart.  Cynthia is all over this like a hobo on a rag soaked in mineral spirits.  “He was a cheater?” Cynthia exclaims.  Natalie, the willing, woeful goat responds, “he has a street hustle and don’t ever get that twisted, he knows how to better himself.”  Cynthia throws out that nasty word again, “you mean he’s an opportunist?”

Peter has bigger plans and he takes Cynthia, Christopher, and Natalie across the street to the Cynthia Bailey Modeling Warehouse of Horrors.  He has set up a surprise dinner for two and Christopher serenades Cynthia with a song that he wrote for Peter (about how he was broke before he met Cynthia.  Really, that is no joke).  Cynthia is holding back the tears for fear of ruining the contouring makeup on her nose.  Once they get past that awkward feeling you get when someone stands there and sings to you, the love-birds clink their champagne glasses to hopes of “better days”.  Good luck wit’ ‘dat!

Serenade

Victor and Don Juan meet with Kandi to discuss the play, Kandi informed the men that Todd quit because he felt it was too unorganized and he needed to go back to his “comfortable job”.  Don Juan ain’t happy because Todd had a lot of knowledge and experience with big productions and he is worried about Kandi spending $500,000 on this production, and that his paycheck might bounce.  Kandi has an extensive rolodex and money to burn, what could go wrong?  Don Juan equated it to something like throwing things in a rabid chicken coop.  This is about as exciting as a Jiffy Lube waiting room.  I am so bored by them, I can only focus on the gigantic tub of Double Bubble on top of the refrigerator.

Later, Kandi and Todd scout out the Rialto as a venue at $10,000 per day, but Todd gets a call from his new job and he keeps slinking away, because he’s so slick.  He ends up telling Kandi that he’s not feelin’ the new job and he wants to rejoin her team.  Todd explains that she has no script, no set, and no location and it’s trippin’ him out.  Sounds like Todd is more of a control freak, but now that he is back on Kandi’s payroll, I am sure every goat in town will be shouting “OPPORTUNIST” from the rooftops.

Nene drops by Porsha’s new home so she can check it out before eviction day befalls her.  They share some boxed wine in large tumbler glasses and Nene advises her that she is a hot diggity dog gone mess and she needs to hit the dollar store for some proper glassware.  Nene dishes on her visit to Kenya’s house and they laugh about Kenya’s imaginary oil tycoon boyfriend.

Kenya has her aunt Lisa, uncle Mark, aunt Lori, and her cousin Che over for dinner.  They sit down at the Lucite dining room table and as Kenya passes out two paper towels to each guest to use as a napkin, she announces that she is going to have a child.  They discuss pros and cons and Kenya’s aunt Lori wants more specifics, such as who will be the baby daddy.  Kenya has plans to go to a sperm bank and request the Michael Jordan special.  Aunt Lisa emphasizes the fact that Kenya needs time, patience, and proper paper products in order to care for a child, but Kenya feels a child will fill the emotional void caused by her own deadbeat mother.  That’s.  Awesome.  Perpetuate the dysfunctional cycle!

Cynthia, Malorie, Kenya, Nene, and Marlo “check my charges” Hampton (yes, she has made her reprise and she is as loud as ever) are off on a party bus to a vineyard.  Some friend of Nene’s is also tagging along, but she doesn’t say much because she is more interested in getting her drink on.  Meanwhile, Phaedra, Kandi, and Porsha toddle along on their own separate party bus because the trip interferes with Phaedra’s breast pumping schedule.  Really, it’s a production move so we can see the shady activity in the dueling buses of revulsion.

Party Bus

Back in the shady bus, the girls discuss Christopher and Natalie.  Kenya puts it out there that when she worked with Christopher, he said that Natalie is his “common law wife”.  “Groupie for life, but not his wife”, as she puts it.  Cynthia pins more Todd bashing on Natalie, who isn’t even on the shady bus of hell fire to defend herself!  WEAK MOVE CYNTHIA.  Natalie never called Todd a cheater and an opportunist, CYNTHIA PUT THOSE WORDS IN HER MOUTH.  Nene does a bad impression of Kandi and says “don’t talk about my man, my child, or my mama!”  Glass houses, Nene, glass houses.

Once at the vineyard, Natalie shows up by herself (shady production move) and the subject of conversation turns to marriage.  Kandi explains that she and Todd will likely go to the courthouse in order to avoid Mama Joyce objecting from the steeple of a church.  Malorie finally speaks and says that she and her hubby eloped in Vegas and they are happy as ever.  Natalie says she eloped as well and Kenya says she heard a “different version of that story”.  Kenya tells Natalie that Christopher calls her his “common law wife or girlfriend”.  Natalie argues that point, Kenya insists that it’s true and then says she wants to stay out of it.  Another weak ass move from a housewife who isn’t even a wife, stir the shit pot and flee the scene.

The group sits down for lunch and the focus turns back to Kandi.  Natalie pipes up about Todd.  Cynthia tells us there are three things she knows about Kandi, “you don’t come for her mom, you don’t come for her food, and you definitely don’t come for her man!”

Cynthia-3Things

Kenya says “oh you gonna go there?!”  Annnnd….it’s ON LIKE DONKEY KONG!  Phaedra whips out her breast pump and tells Kenya to shut the hell up.  Kenya throws out the opportunist card and Natalie denies ever saying the word and calls Kenya “lying pageant girl.”  While Natalie tries to clarify her comments about Todd, Kenya makes a shoveling motion with her arms because Natalie can’t dig her way out of this one.  Natalie says Todd had “a way of swerving” and he is “always on the come up in a better situation.” 

Swerve

Nene gives Natalie the buzzer noise “don’t water it down!”  Even li’l Porsha gets involved, pointing out that Natalie is pulling the same shit on Kandi that Kenya just pulled on her.  Get your head in the game, Natalie!  Have you not learned that these ladies are akin to rabid howler monkeys and they will eat your face off?

Kandi throws a dig at Cynthia saying she knows things about Peter’s past, but would never bring it up.  Ummm…you just did.  As Cynthia throws her some serious blue steel side eye, Kandi tells the group this simple truth:  “Bottom line, for you to say that Todd wants to date up, you just letting me know that you think I’m a hot bitch. And I am!  And it’s all good, and the buck stops here!  It don’t get no hotter, you’re right. Give it up for Todd – he came up!”  WORD!

BadBitch

Next week, it’s a wardrobe malfunction extravaganza as the Housewives brawl in their satin nighties.