Drop the Mic

It’s the conclusion of the RHNJ reunion and I don’t know about y’all, but this season has left me exhausted and bereft.  If one thing is clear, Tre does not have a solid command of the English language, she can’t even do “air quotes” correctly, and Jacs is a lamb in a wolf’s discounted clothing!  Let’s round up the low-lights and move on with our lives, shall we?

  1. Who called the IRS?

Tre backpedals a bit on her assertion that Jacs had the FEDs on speed dial and, hold the mortadella… Chris Laurita has emerged from the snack table to set the record straight!  Apparently, Juicy Joe had some bidness deal gone bad with someone who threatened to turn him in.  Chris happened to know this person and attempted to facilitate some sort of “meeting of the mind” to hash it out, but Juicy Joe blew it off in favor of burying his face in a bottle of vino.  So in Tre’s mind, guilt by association I guess!  Baaaaasiiidzzz….it doesn’t really maaaater nowwwuh…Tre had a great time at camp, no lady pond action, but she found her Zen and received plenty of PG-13 rated massages!  With Juicy Joe now inhabiting the slammer, he has lost 35 pounds is on the verge of an astounding six-pack.  See people…THE PRISON DIET WORKS!  I can see Tre and Juicy now – starring in a 3 a.m. infomercial.

  1. Deportation Station?

OHAC asks Tre about the possibility of Joe being deported.  Tre can’t discuss because it’s a legal matter and she doesn’t want to cry off her false eyelashes.  OHAC comments “you don’t want to give it life”.  Oh Andy you hard-hitting broadcaster…you crystallized her thoughts eloquently!  Tre repeats what he just said and Andy praises her – yes folks, praises her for stating the Response.  He.  Just.  Fed.  Her.  Like.  Cured.  Salty.  Meat.

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  1. Dolores Cantina – Long Overdue Voice of Reason

I think viewers will agree that Dolores is a welcome addition to this three-ring shit-show and has emerged as a healthy dose of much needed sanity.  She had a few notable quotables this round:

  • “Emotions do not travel in rational channels.” I think she should get that as a tramp stamp.
  • “If you need security and you need to remove the knives from the table, there shouldn’t be a lunch.”
  • Can Tre and Jacs ever be friends again, Dolores? “They would both need a lobotomy.”  I think they should have a lobotomy, regardless…jus’ sayin’!

mic-drop

  1. Do We Even Care Anymore?

We have a flashback of Tre and Jacs’ friendship over the seasons… from young, fresh-faced mothers of toddlers to the haggard, surgically-altered, venom spewing frenemies of tweens.  Face it ladies, you had a good run, but it’s ova!  What’s the ol’ cliché?  Some people come into our lives for a reason, a season, to commit treason, or to be cool for a while and then go batshit?  Jacs is at a turning point and must accept the fact that even the best of friends sometimes outgrow each other.  On the elevator of life, sometimes you have to stop and let a few people off on your way to the top.  Or let a few jump ship while plummeting 60 floors to your untimely death, whichever comes first.

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Jacs – you have found your new station in life – Andy’s beyotch:

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And with that, I drop my mic!

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Derailed

It’s the night of the Envy fashion show of disaster.  Melissa doesn’t seem prepared, she is doing a dry run as Tre arrives early and to assist with coaching the models on “giving more duck lip”.  No Tre, you are confusing that tactic with the marketing selfies.  The Envy models need to apply the “I’m starving, dead-in-they-eyes death stare”.

Anyhoo – in some other remote part of Joysey, Jacs is still installed into her couch and still has no voice, is still offended, and is still writing notes to her hubby in her “I hate everyone” burn book.

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Back at the fashion show, Tre catches up with bro Joe and compares Jacs to Osama Bin Laden – “she plants bombs and waits for them to go off!”  Later, Wakiles arrive and can’t get past the awkwardness with Teresa.  Dolores grabs Kathy’s ear to bend it about Jacs, but Kathy runs defense for Jacs.  Dolores gives her the patented Snooki eye-roll and isn’t buying the bullshit.

Siggy the softie has an unhealthy obsession with this cast getting along.  I mean, Sigster…have you seen this show?  She summons all the ladies to her home for an afternoon of crustless finger sangwiches and forgiveness.  Upon receipt of this verbal invitation, Tre asks “do you have insurance?”  Siggy makes a mental note to self – get that crazy Geico road lizard on the phone ASAP and up the liability coverage on my homeowner’s policy.

Everyone takes their places and the fashion show is off like a runaway train.  The models don’t have enough time to change and Melissa is manhandling the models backstage.  She ends up pulling it off with a slight hiccup of a four-minute pause in the parade, but she gives a lovely speech and thanks her fambly for their understanding.  Siggy invites Melissa to the friend-tervention luncheon, buys a bikini, and splits.  She tries texting and walking at the same time to no avail.  She attempts to invite Jacs via text to forgiveness lunch, but ends up inviting her to indigenous brunch.

Another day, Dolores does lunch with ex-hubby Frank the tank where she drops her own li’l bomb of destruction.  Frank is off the financial hook and she doesn’t need him anymore, except for those Saturday night 2 a.m. appointments.  He feels like she’s breaking up with him and Dolores hints at getting re-married.  Frank breaks out into a full-blown flop-sweat and dabs his brow with a cocktail napkin.  She admits she’s joking, after confirming she is still on the life insurance policy.  He reaches for the check, but she agrees to pick up the tab given all she had was a salad and water.  Next time, filet mignon on Frank!

Tre welcomes her lawyer for cowwwffe and a tawwwlk.  Juicy Joe is doing well, he’s already lost 10 pounds, and Tre couldn’t be more excited.  Do I smell another prison diet book in the making?  Tre laments, she used to be on top of her finances, but gave that responsibility over to Juicy Joe, along with her dignity, self-worth, and pride.  She vows to keep a closer eye on her finances and considers selling her bed, bath, and beyond a hot mess McMansion, because it’s too much to maintain.  She’s got four dawwwters to think about and G to the ia will be going away to college in a few shawwwt years.  I feel like I’ve entered a parallel universe – who woulda thunk it?  Teresa Goo-boo-chay, unexpected voice of reason.

Dolores and Siggy get together for lunch with their mothers.  Siggy starts handling the cured meats and yells about how they aren’t kosher.  Nothing much to see here, other than it took 16 excruciating episodes for me to realize that Siggy doesn’t know how to use her indoor, irrational, skank voice.

In other boring news, Joe made Melissa a nice dinner of chicken cordon bleu and some fruity dessert to show his appreciation for her hard work.  Wasn’t this the man who had a full-throttle, pedal to the metal, meltdown over trying to cook up some chicken cutlets for his children earlier this season?  Me thinks he picked up a to-go order at Pasta Pronto and threw the stuff in a pan – a la Kenya Moore style.  Melissa reports that since the fashion show, her online sales have tripled – so yay, she got three orders.

joe-dinner

It’s the final showdown, at RAILS…Join us for shrimp cocktail and the shattering of all your friendship goals!  Siggy decided to heed Teresa’s warning about having insurance and decided to move the venue for the Jacs-ter-vention from her home to Rails.  She also hired two SECURITY goons in case things go horribly awry and she scurries around the table to remove the steak knives.  Tre and Melissa prep for battle on the car ride over, Tre predicts Jacs will beat feet after five minutes.  She knows Jacs all to well and these two are showing team unity as they walk arm-in-arm into the den of confrontation.  Sidebar:  What is the actual temperature in Joysey?  Tre’s getup suggests Arctic winds out of the east, while Melissa’s winsome sundress suggests balmy and breezy.

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Siggy greets Jacs who has now found her voice and proceeds to lay down all of her stipulations like a rock star rider.  She will see one person at a time, Dolores goes first, Tre second, Melissa doesn’t even get a backstage pass, and finally Jacs will require a caged Bengal tiger, a white miniature grand piano, and atop the piano shall be placed an oversized snifter full of M&M candies with the red ones removed.

Dolores enters and out of the gate gives Jacs a hug and apologizes for her end of the shit.  Well, that was diffused quickly.  However, there is still the matter of Tre – Jacs has an inflated sense of confidence and her acrylic fingernail of death is all warmed up and ready to waive.

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Tre and Melissa walk in and Jacs immediately starts ordering them around – Melissa leave, Tre sit down….really Jacs, are you sure you want that to be your opening volley?  Tre doesn’t take orders, Siggy tries to intervene “let’s tawwwlk lower to each other, something new for us!”  To no avail as it GOES OFF THE RAILS AT RAILS!  Tre calls Jacs “Miss Teacher”, Jacs doesn’t like that word, calls Tre a “bitch”, and Tre hulks out and fires back with “C-U-Next Tuesday!”  Tre refuses to tawwwlk to Jacs one-on-one, calls her “evil to the core”, Jacs gets wound up and leaves.

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Dolores takes off her shoes and runs through the parking lot after Jacs, but Siggy faces a moral dilemma, “I just got a pedicure!”  Jacs sees them running after her getaway Range Rover, pokes her head out of the passenger side, laughs, and tells her driver (undoubtedly Chris) to gun it.

sigy-pedicure

Dolores and Siggy sulk back into Rails, shoes in hand.  Tre cracks up at them and feels vindicated, knowing Jacs would split the minute things didn’t go her way.  The remaining four ladies reflect on the positive, Siggy is still hosing her fambly dinners, Dolores is building her gym empire all on her own, unless Frank leaves a li’l somethin’ on the night stand, Melissa is considering expanding Envy now that her online sales are up to six, and Tre has found a new yoga partner in none other than, prostitution hooowah, Danielle Staub.  Meanwhile, Jacs is on her own, and shocking…hasn’t spoken to her cast-mates.  Jacs is focused on her “Glamma” duties, which will largely include raising her grandchild.

tre-and-danielle

A collective sigh, but it’s not over until the fat lady sings.  Next week, reunion part 1 of 82, oh Moses smell the roses… the preview has Tre yelling “you set me up!”

Silence is Golden

The Goo-boo-chays and the Gorgas hog out over some Chinese food and everyone is a li’l feisty over the fact that Juicy Joe isn’t there to get sloshed and crash face first into the floor while attempting a cartwheel.

joe-cartwheel

Milania cracks open her fortune cookie with brute force… “young girl who miss father should take off on quad like an animal.”  Which is precisely what she does with her li’l sis Audriana, hanging on for dear life on the back.  Joe stops her in the driveway to talk her off the ledge and assures her that if she ever wants to engage in reckless behavior, she can call him and he will be there.  Let’s blow this pop stand TOGETHER!

Back in the kitchen, Melissa and Tre discuss the impending re-done home warming pawwwty at Dolores’ place.  Tre wants to bail because the thought of seeing Jacs’ face makes her want to hurl up her egg foo young.

Dolores’ pawwwty is symbolic of her gaining 10% of her financial independence back and moving out from under her ex-hubbys thumb.   Dolores’ grandmother arrives at the party and not a moment too soon.  Such a charming lady who has lived through 102 years of this bullshit and shows no signs of slowing down!  Siggy sits grandma down and gives her the play by play, she may live through another war tonight.  Jacs has lost her voice, what a shame.  She arrives at the pawwwty wearing her new tee-shirt, which she purchased at http://www.passiveaggressivetees.com.

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The Wakile’s arrive with Rosie and Laura in tow.  Joe Gorga makes the rounds to say “hello” to everyone in an attempt to be civil, but Jacs snubs him.  Jacs leaves to go “lay down in the car” and Kim D., troublemaker extraordinaire, trails behind her leaving this shindig rather uneventful.  Chris pulls Joe G. aside to vent about Vermont and express his hurt over not hearing from Joe.  Joe gives him the “man to man” talk, understands why he is sticking up for Jacs, but she went “buck wild” on Melissa and was totally out of line.  Joe keeps his cool and shuts down this awkward “man to man” confrontation like a deft presidential debate moderator.  Melissa and Jacs were both wrong and they need to air kiss and make up.  When Joe Gorga is suddenly the voice of reason, honey you know your shit is f*cked up!  Jacs starts honking the horn outside in the car and Chris hightails it out like a dog to a dinner bell!

man-2-man

Tre and Milania are cleaning out their garage and Milania starts knocking empty water gallon containers off a shelf with a broom stick as if she has ‘roid rage.  Tre tries to pacify her and asks what she can do to make her time without her fawwwther easier.  Milania puts her foot down, “NO ONE WILL REPLACE MY DADDY!”  No one is trying to replace him dear, but mommy just wants you to chill the f*ck out!

Later, Tre is making breakfast for the girls, Milania rejects it because it’s not like daddy makes.  Tre says “I’ll make it wet like daddy.”  Oy, I could go so many ways with this, but I think I’ll just go vomit.  Milania lists the reasons why she misses dad, and now we get to the true crux of it all – Milania has to do all his extra chores.

Siggy spends some quality time with her mother, she pays some coiffeur named Sergio to curl her hair and then she takes her out for kale salad.  Siggy gets all emotional when she is around her mother because she doesn’t feel her mom takes enough time for herself.  I am emotional at the thought of eating kale.

Dolores’ holds her “Ladies’ Night” at the gym, and she’s feelin’ right!  Dolores calls Jacs to see if she is going to show up and Jacs lets her go to voice mail while pretending to sleep off this deadly case of laryngitis.  Jacs really has this “alienate everyone” routine down to a science.  Tre is ready to teach a yoga class and Doles picks this inopportune moment to confront the uncomfortable situation with Robyn.  Tre is summoned to the full yoga class and the awkwardness is cut short.

There is a short scene that reminds me of my life, Melissa is hard at work on her laptop and Joe bellows from the bathroom that he needs help.  She drops what she is doing to find him in desperate need of her help in shaving his back.  Call Milania, she’ll grab her five speed back shaver, tear through every nicely manicured lawn in Jersey, and be there in under 10 minutes, or the shave is FREE!

Dolores and Siggy are on their way to the Envy fashion show of terror and Dolores reveals that Jacs is not speaking to her.  Jacs accused Dolores of setting her up to make her look like a no show, when in fact Jacs DIDN’T SHOW!  Yeah, process that for a minute.  Jacs was also upset that her mug wasn’t on the janky flyer, which looks like a four year old produced it on her “Barbie’s first computer:” and a malfunctioning ink jet printer.  What. The.  Acutal.  F*CK.  JACS?  Dolores admits “we exchanged words, they weren’t nice, I lost my temper, f*ck you, I said actually.”  Jacs is clearly losing her shit and Dolores, whom I have lovingly dubbed “bitch ain’t havin’ it”, wins the night!

dolores-wtf

Next week is the finale to all this nutbaggery.  The Envy fashion show of terror, Tre may put McManson on the market, Jacs continues to passively aggressively alienate her cast mates, and Siggy schedules a friendtervention.

Fambly Matters

The Goo-boo-chay fambly prepares for the impending surrender of their patriarch, and what better way than to make sprinkle cupcakes!  However dear reader, there is not enough cupcake glitter in the world to alleviate the cloud of doom hanging over this fambly.  Milania lightens the mood by shoving a cupcake in Juicy Joe’s face, but he half-looks like he’s about to go full prison riot on her ass.  He takes the high road and shoves it back in her face instead.  After some fabmly selfies and a lecture for G to the ia, Juicy Joe chokes back tears.  Or perhaps that’s just cupcake glitter in his eyeballs.

Meanwhile, across town, Jacs and Asslee go shopping for baby supplies and Asslee reveals that she wants to have a natural birth, sans drugs.  Jacs is dumbfounded and insists she will want the epidural.  Too bad the medical field had not figured out how to administer an epidural during Asslee’s teen years.

In other fambly matters, Siggy and her sister Iris are yelling at the kids for being on their phones instead of savoring quality time with their micro-managing mothers.  Siggy’s parents, Mordecai and Rachel, stop over and Morty reveals he’s looking into having an eyelid lift.  In other news, Rachel reveals that she is upset at her own daughters because they don’t spend more than 10 minutes visiting with them.  Josh calls his mother a hypocrite as he proceeds to the next level on Candy Crush.  Later, the fambly visits the Holocaust museum.  Morty tells his life story and Josh realizes that he’s a spoiled asshole, then 2.3 seconds later he snaps out of it.

morty

The Laurita’s and Wakile’s are bowling for date night, the same evening of Juicy Joe’s going away to prison pawwwty.  Rosie struts in with her new girlfriend, Laura, and we learn that Rosie is a straight up playa!  She met Laura in the bathroom while out on a date with another lady!  Chris Laurita is being the good li’l hubby that could and is heeding Dolores’ advice.  He will stand by his irrational skank wife and boycott the going away to jail pawwwty.

Sidebar:  I may need to switch back to watching this in standard definition.  High definition is not kind to these ladies.  The painted on eyebrows are the stuff of nightmares!

The going away to jail pawwwty is shot entirely on someone’s iPhone and apparently Bravo crew and equipment was not permitted.  Juicy Joe and Tre jump on the mechanical bull to ride things out, but they take a tumble after about 1.3 seconds.  Foreshadowing, anyone?  Siggy is caught on camera, still doling out her crack-pot advice to any pawwwty goer who will listen.

The next day, there is a literal meltdown at Envy between Derek the intern and Melissa.  Derek is anti-selfie, but Melissa wants at least 108 selfies posted per day to show off their bargain fashions and boost on-line sales.  Melissa better change before she selfies, she is dressed like an overweight librarian.

Meanwhile, across town, the Goo-boo-chay household prepares for their final goodbyes.  Milania is tearing around on a three-wheeler while Tre and Juice man knock back some vino and strawberries by the fire.  Juicy Joe tries to wax philosophical, “you either learn how to become a criminal, or a better person”.  Now he is forced to do the latter.  He is clearly not hammered enough because he looks genuinely worried.  Tre starts giving him pointers, he can celebrate every religious holiday at “camp”.  He can go with the Jewish people and celebrate “Rama-dan-dan!”  From what I understand, the kosher meals at “camp” are akin to first class.  How about more solid advice, such as always shower with your back to the wall?!?!  Tre feeds Juicy Joe a strawberry, mouth to mouth, just like they did when they were dating.  Yes Tre, get your last taste of those virgin lips…

It’s the day of the surrender, the paparazzi is out in full force and effect.  Immediate fambly is gathered and the girls are seen crying at the window as Juicy Joe is hauled away in a black Escalade.  Later that day, Joe and Melissa assemble a trampoline in a literal attempt to bounce back from the emotional morning.  Melissa tells Joe that Tre sent her a “love you” text, and Melissa is emotionally overwhelmed by how her relationship with Tre has grown.

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Jacs has Siggy and Dolores over on the back deck of truth, while she scoops fake shit (irony, anyone?) into diapers, for some sort of sick baby shower dry run of sorts.  As Jacs spoons her fake shit, they discuss the emotional farewell to Juicy Joe.  Siggy gets emotional (SHOCKER) and dabs her tears with an unsoiled diaper.

diaper-change

Tre is sinking into a chasm of despair and the Goo-boo-chay girls can’t stop crying.  Their first night home without daddy, they all sleep in the same bed and say prayers for their father.

Next week, Dolores’ re-done home pawwwty, Joe and Chris throw down man-to-man, Melissa’s fashion show, and Dolores’ giving Jacs a good ol’ fashioned WTF!

Kernels of Truth

We are dealing with the Vermont fallout this week.  Dolores and Siggy still reeling, both in a four-day depression.  Siggy has put on her fedora of truth and over-analyzed to the point where she has convinced herself that Jacs is mad at her.  Jacs hasn’t replied to Siggy’s frantic texts.  Siggy left her fambly to attend this three-ring shit show, now Jacs is giving her cold shoulder, and we aren’t talking about her top.

siggy-fedora-of-truth

Dolores, the ever emergent voice of reason this season, cautions her pal about going at Jacs with both barrels, hear her out first.  Siggy lived in the petting zoo and has now entered “do not feed” section.  Dolores has clearly got the Dr. Phil grip on this group.

dr-phil-hillbilly

We flash back to 2011 when Tre and Jacs sat on the deck and waved the acrylic nails of death.  Dolores sums it up, “one person has to eat it, somebody has to say they were wrong, and neither of them will do it.”  Dolores wants to stay out of it, she’d rather stay home with her re-done kitchen and her dawwwgs.

Later, Siggy and Dolores take their shit show on the road and pay Jacs a visit.  They wait so long for Jacs to answer the door, they take the opportunity to do a few squats on the front stoop.  Jacs finally lets them in and they take a seat on the patio of confrontation.  Chris and Ass-lee stand by in case anything erupts, but Siggy just wants an explanation for Jacs’ radio silence.  Jacs admits she was in her own world and had to go through the seven stages of grief.  Tre and Melissa’s nose are dead to her.  Any way you slice the cured salami, this relationship is a hot mess on wheels, and Siggy will continue to be in the midst of an emotional car crash the longer she lingers.

Over at Envy, Jackie lets Melissa know that internet sales are zilch, zero, goose egg!  OH and by the way…Jackie will be in the Bahama’s and won’t be around for the fashion show.  Melissa is totes stressing and thinks taking more selfies will promote bidness, yah solid plan.  Melissa weakly confronts Derek about the Kim D. gossip.  At hearing the word “Kim D.”, Derek immediately looks like he smells a dead body.  He acts all aghast at the mere thought of saying one nugatory thing about Tre.  They snap a selfie and air hug it out.

Joe brings Tre a sangwich and they discuss Juicy Joe’s impending trip to da’ pokey.  We get a flashback of Tre and Joe as teenagers, they were BFFs, and Joe had a used car salesman smarmy mustache of doom.  Joe tries to get his sister to state on camera that she is mad at her Mucinex slug of a husband.  All she will admit to is being so incredibly stupid for signing the papers he put in front of her.  Tre no read so good.  Joe offers to help out while Juicy Joe is taking it up da’ ass at the greybar hotel.  Tre doesn’t know what she is going to do, like, with the garbage.  Joe offers to help take out the trash, but something tells me this isn’t about routine weekly kitchen waste.

Siggy summons Melissa for cawwwfee tawwwlk, to admit her first impression of Melissa was that she is phony and self-absorbed, oh and to tell her she will not be attending her fashion shit show.  Melissa points out that Siggy, is in fact, taking sides because she is planning to attend Jacs’ kernel korn event.  Honey, when Melissa Gorga makes a valid point, you know your shit is f*cked up.

melissa-and-siggy

It’s the day of the big Posche fashion show, which is being held in the back room of some low-rent restaurant and looks as if it’s put together with prayers and chewing gum.  Kim D. tries to bait Jacs and Dolores by bringing up rumors of Juicy Joe cheating on Tre while she was away “at camp”.  They don’t take the bait and are more interested in learning how to properly apply boob tape.

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Siggy and Dolores have lunch with Tre and Melissa, but instead of “Rails”, they meet at “Pure”.  Since Bravo is footing the bill, Tre orders about 13 appetizers while Siggy starts her “Jacs is a good person” campaign.  Tre shuts it down like an illegal day care center and points out that Jacs was the one who brought Kim D. onto the scene.  Siggy has a change of heart and announces she will attend the Envy fashion show.  Tre asks Dolores about the Posche show and we flash back to 2009, 2010, 2011, where there is high drama involving Tre each year.  Dolores reveals that Kim D. tried to start shit, but doesn’t give specifics.

It’s the night of Li’l Kernel event.  Chris gives a speech, drops bomb, Ass-lee and Pete are sprouting their own li’l kernel.  Ass-lee tells Jacs that the baby will be organic, which is hilarious.  Is that organic botox and filler in yo’ face?  Later, Dolores pulls Chris to the side and advises him to decline the invitation he received from Juicy Joe for his “heading off to camp” party.  He should stand by his wifey, no matter how much of a rabid wildebeest she is.

To conclude tonight’s series of ill-fated epiphanies, we end up with Tre and Dolores meeting in a vacant church.  They are both looking very “mob-wife” and they reflect on their lives and how their marriages didn’t play out the way they envisioned.  Tre is sticking by her man no matter what, oh except for cheating, and she comments that Dolores was right to dump Frank for that reason.  Do I detect foreshadowing?  Dolores ignores her and suggests they say a prayer before they head out for a cocktail.

Next week, Tre and Juicy say goodbye.

Nose Job, Criminal, Bang, Bang, Bang

We are still in Stowe, VT where everything has been so nice, oh well…except for that fight where Robyn threatened to rage on Jac’s re-done ass and punch her in the re-done face.  Dolores approaches Melissa with care, please ask Robyn, your bitch-ass, hanger-on, fake friend to leave.  Saved by the Siggy, who weighs in, it’s either Robyn or Jacs and Tre has the final say.

Jacs has a case of the sads and goes into the ugly cry because her love of Tre is overpowering and she feels rejected.  Siggy tries to talk her off the ledge, but period emotions are flowing and there isn’t a night time maxi-pad absorbent enough to contain them.  Someone get Jacs some mood stabilizers and a Midol, STAT!

Melissa obtains the verdict, Tre doesn’t have to think twice.  Jacs needs to beat feet, however Robyn and her partner have been playing with a home perm kit and they decide they will get the hell outta dodge.

Later, everyone arrives at the Matterhorn for another ill-fated dinner of doom.  All that fightin’ has worked up an appetite.  Tre points out that there are two empty seats and confronts Jacs about why that would be.  Tre takes Robyn’s side because Jacs took the whole thing to next level crazy by sitting on Robyn.  She labels Jacs with words such as “manipulative” and “calculated”.  Jacs is visibly hurt and gets up to leave.  Chris steps in to diffuse, “She loves you!  Learn to trust.  Heart in right place!”  Tre is more concerned with the fact that she has tap water in her glass, someone get her some bottled water, STAT!  Jacs points out that Tre cannot be around any kerfuffle due to her parole and Jacs did all of this for Tre, “You table flippin’ bitch!”

jacs-table-flippin

We flash back to the history of Tre – chasing a prostitution whoo-ahh out of a country club, flipping tables, throwing OHAC as if he were a chew toy, but yet Jacs stood by her side.  Jacs brings up stripper-gate, and tries to drag Melissa into the melee.  Melissa thinks Jacs is a jelly bean and can’t handle Melissa and Tre having been BFFL for a hot minute.  Melissa refuses to engage and Jacs deems her as another soldier.  The acrylic nail of death makes an appearance, “you fake, phony, bitch!  Four nose jobs!”

jacs-in-mels-face

Through all of this, I am shocked that Joe hasn’t jumped in.  The sedatives must have kicked in.  In her next bizarre move, Jacs dials Kim D. to put her on the speakerphone of truth!  Tre comments – “why you alwasy gotta call people on da’ phone?”  Siggy is still trying to logically narrate the fallout, but Dolores notes this is simply part of visiting the RHNJ Zoo.  Speaking of the Zoo, the animals are hongray so Dolores orders three helpings of chicken wings.  Tre feels threat-ennned.  Jacs yells “CRIMINAL” and walks out.  For Tre, it’s nothing that tearing at a chicken wing like a savage beast won’t solve.

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Siggy and Dolores check in with Jacs, but she is fine with how things ended because she now sees that Tre hasn’t changed.  Siggy retreats to her villa and decides to take a stand, “eff her and eff her, I’m going home, I’m out!”  Siggy recounts the fight, acting like animals, Kathy/Rosie, festering, Posche, mosh, bosch, and fosch, nose job, criminal, bang, bang, bang.  Dolores feels bad, poor Siggy didn’t know what she walked into when she sold her relationship expert soul to Bravo.

Back at the Goo-boo-chay household, the girls are having a rather peaceful dinner with their criminal father.  They are going to miss Juicy Joe, he acts as if he’s going away to fat camp.  Milania can’t get her brain around this “your’e belly is all stretched out now and it can’t go back in.”  Juicy Joe asks his girls in earnest, “you really think I’m fat?”  Milania responds with the kiss of death, “you’re fatter than pregnant people.”  Juicy Joe changes the subject, they better take out the garbage, feed the fambly pet, help their mother, oh and buy him an effing MIRROR!  They do a fambly fist bump and all is well.

The next day, Tre gets a call from her Mucinex slug and recounts the fight.  “She called me the C word, but not C U Next Tuesday.”  As if that would have been better?  Tre and Melissa arrive at Siggy and Dolores’ room and Siggy breaks down and announces she is leaving.  She starts demonstrating her frustration by throwing decorative apples around the villa, Dolores slams her hands down on the Formica countertop, “I’ve had enough!”

dolores-siggy-had-it

Dolores.  Gives.  The.  Best.  Commentary.  Ever.  “Melissa comes in like she’s going to Studio 54 with a full face on and Tre is dressed like Milania.  They are not the epitome of empathy.”  No, these two beyotches DGAF – they’ve got a face full o’ contouring and they are ready to show it off to the world.

Tre and Melissa boogie out of Siggy’s villa, happy to spend “bonding time” alone.  They take a ride on a gondola up a mountain and Tre gets all teary eyed over Juicy Joe’s impending trip to “camp”.  Tre and Melissa are so in love right now.  They take a few selfies and cawwwl it a day.

tre-melissa-selfie

Jacs and Chris are back home, safely secluded in their McMansion.  What better way to decompress than with fatty cured meats and cheeses, oh and a debriefing with Kathy.  Not much to see here, but Jacs has an epiphany that should have been evident long ago, Tre never gave three wet farts about her.

Next week, Siggy gets a warning, Melissa confronts Derek about filming Tre accepting cash only for bootleg copies of her book, and Jacs and Dolores get an earful from Kim D.

Crumb Cake

Siggy’s daughter clueless, no understanding why grandparents being Holocaust survivors is KINDA.  A.  BIG.  DEAL!  UGH…Kids today!  Enter Josh.  Yelling.  License.  Buy me car.  Get away from my butt and thighs.  Josh better toddle off with is “entitlement” segue and get the hell off my screen.  Later, Siggy has BFFL relationship with ex-husband, Mark.  Siggy fix Mark up with new mail order bride.  Take Josh out for birthday, Josh can’t wait to flee this pop stand to go get “turnt”.  Josh complains to dad about mom rubbing butt and thighs, but he admits he loves mom.  Keeping with “rewarding bad behavior theme”, Siggy and Mark reward Joshie with a shiny new SUV with, OMG, wait for it…BLACK.  RIM.  TIRES!  No idea what that means, but incites shrieking from Josh.  Must admit, car is nicer than any ol’ hooptie I’ve owned in whole entire pathetic life!

Melissa enters door, Joe attacks, do not pass GO, do not say hello to kids, do not collect $200 in single dollar bills.  Joe lost huge bidness deal.  Joe had to be a father instead.  Joe MAD.  Melissa equally as MAD!  Joe so friggin’ ol’ skewl.  Bitch.  Ain’t.  Havin’.  Any.  Of.  It.  You bring in crumbs, I bring in cake!  Oh.  No.  He.  Dinunt!

no-he-didnt

Later Siggy stops by, wanders in back door with soggy piece of mail left on stoop.  Probably a subpoena.  Siggy gives Melissa her best advice, marriage like car, no gas, no move, shpilkes in your genektagazoyk!  Siggy faith in Joe.  He will wear apron, he has worn dress!  Many dresses!  Later Melissa make Sunday Sauce and serve day old crumb cake to fill Joe’s gas tank.  Make Gorga’s all better.

shpilkes

Tre brings girls over to Jacs’.  Girls hang out with Nicholas, Milania showcases sensitive side and is very good with him.  Jacs and Tre kitchen for cawwwfeee tawwwwlk.  Nicholas unattended with Milana.  Wait.  For.  The.  Screams.  Of.  Terror.  Lucy-n-Ethel have moment.  Jacs does jump-n-straddle.  Tre grabs her butt and thighs.

Dolores learns Kathy and Rosie not invited to Tre’s book launch.  Kathy bigger fish to fry.  Daughter Victoria brain tumor acting up.  Kathy over Tre’s bullshit.  Rosie brilliant idea, crash book signing, grab Tre’s butt and thighs, mend fambly.

Lawyer stops at Goo-boo-chay house o’ homemade wine for weekly Juicy Joe gut check.  Juicy Joe spiraling further into oblivion.  To hell with fambly time!  Must.  Drink.  Every.  Last.  Drop.  Homemade.  Vino.  Before.  Liver.  Rejuvenation.  Camp.

Tre and Juicy Joe Thai yoga massage.  Perfect opportunity to have strangers grab butt and thighs.  Tre preps Juicy on story they’ll feed their precious dawwwters about his pending incarceration.  Juicy Joe burn Tre’s flag of delusion!  Tell da’ truth!  Precious dawwwters knew exactly where Tre went!  They know “going to work at prison camp to write book to pay for your college” is bullshit.  “They know everything, they got computers today, babe!”  Tre look like stunned mouse in Dixie cup!  She should.  When Juicy Joe tell you honesty is best policy, giiiirrrrl you know your shit is fucked up!

bitch-please

Night of book signing.  Dolores tell Jacs and Chris about Kathy and Rosie’s “guttural hurt”.  Dolores drops the bomb.  Kathy and Rosie crashing book signing.  It’s about to get ugly up in Barnes & Noble.  Tre situated at B&N, snapping pics, signing books for her 25 fans.  Two Joes cop a guttural squat in reading nook.  Juicy Joe not prepared for da’ big house.  Plan is to get in, get da’ f*ck out.  Head down.  Mind yo’ bidness.  Shower with your back to da’ wall!  Best prison advice, ever.  Or in any arena of life.

In face of Kathy and Rosie, Tre cordial.  Smiling.  Kathy like, “get my texteses?”  Tre is all “oh new phone, changed my area code, confused it with my bedazzled home arrest ankle monitor and threw it away, but whaaaa, no I always answer my texteses, never leave people hangin’!”  Rosie calls bullshit at the book signing, but nevertheless, invites Tre to lunch for Tuscan Trios at the Olive Garden Branch.

rosie-beggin

Jacs and Dolores pretend taking selfies while spying on slapdash shit show.  Tre’s time precious, can’t spare an hour for backbiting fambly cousins!  Rosie begging for crumb of Tre’s time.  Ugh, what won’t she do for Bravo paycheck?!?!?!  Tre would rather eat sprinkle cookies from flipped tables in Melissa’s re-done home with some prostitution whoo-ahh, than have lunch with her cousins.  Tre brushes them off with aplomb, returns to her line of 25 fans, and pretends they were nothing more than unsavory groupies.  Rosie meanders to reading nook, apologizes Juicy Joe, for “y’know, bein’ a douche!”  Juicy Joe don’t know what douche is, wants to go home, homemade vino to drink and da’ time is tickin’!

Next week, Pete proposes Ass-lee.  Tre snaps off Jacs.  Richie and Joe rumble.  Tre cuts ties Kathy and Rosie.

Number Two

Dolores finally let Boo go across rainbow bridge.  Kidney failure.  Dolores and I have case of sads.  Siggy brings flowers and comfort before launching into discussion of her annoying kids.  Dolores admits she almost punch Frankie in face when he was teenager.  Later Siggy lets son drive, something about how she is always touching his legs, thighs, butt?  What?  Someone call DCFS…STAT!  Siggy retorts, “What do you want from me I was born and a bomb shelter?”  I guess her fambly played grab ass to pass the time while hunkered underground.

Later, Siggy clips Delores’ wings so she can fly, learn about bills-n-stuff.  Who better to join the “whaddayamean I gotta open mail and pay bills” counseling sesh?  Tre offers a serious tawwwwlk, “HONEY, LOOK, FOR RILLZ!”  Dolores doesn’t care.  Trusts Frank with her finances.  Frank an attorney when he’s not being Mr. New Jersey.  Makes about as much sense as Paula Abdul after a box o’ wine.

Melissa situation with her bidness partner.  Jackie ordered stuff, actually running bidness.  Melissa bark at intern, get Jackie on Face Time.  Don’t care if she basking in steamy Bahama sun!  GET HER ON FACE TIME!  Jackie take no shit, Melissa only ordering what she wears, newsflash, NOBODY is a size zero.  Melissa unyielding, delusional, micromanaging her way into an anxiety attack.

Later Melissa plays dress up and helps Antonia prep for father/daughter dance.  Antonia wants to be a professional cheerleader.  Melissa coaches her to select a more palatable occupation and Antonia reads the cue card being held up by the Bravo intern.  TEACHER!  Melissa reminisces, ahhhh mommy wanted to be a teacher one day.  Now she’s pumping out babies and owns low-rent Posche 3.0.

melissa-antonia

The Goo-boo-chay household is not all pink puppies and bacon.  Juicy Joe is drunk and “get off my lawn” disorderly.  Like.  All.  The.  Time.  Tre preoccupied with new book, hoping to make the NY Times Best Seller list.  Juicy Joe don’t care, he’s got to get his adult diaper and mid-day drink on.  He squawks about the hot pink dye job on the dog, G to the ia already sassing him, “you have no say you’re leaving in, like, a month!”  Tre and Juicy Joe argue about bills.  Juicy Joe behaving quite badly.  Tre letting it slide, he’s not coping well, it’s the alcohol tawwwwlking.  Juicy bought security camera system, but it’s all Greek to Tre.  Dolores calls to offer support, Tre reminds her about book release pawwwwty.  Juicy passes out on the couch with a full adult diaper.

joe-walk-away

Laurita’s having poker night.  Rosie excited, wants to apologize to Juicy Joe about “mean girl” things said on camera on NYE.  Juicy Joe no show.  Call Juicy Joe.  Juicy Joe tore up from floor up.  Can’t make it to poker night.  Call Tre.  See if we get truth.  Juicy Joe struggling with impending surrender, heavy day drinking, passed out on couch with full adult diaper.

Rosie upset.  Rosie storm out.  Rosie calm down in sub-zero temps outside.  Rosie return to warmth of poker night.

Everyone prepping for Tre’s book launch party – two rules, must be over 21 and Tre cannot be consorting with felons of any kind.  So Fuckface Von Clownstick (a.k.a. – Juicy Joe) invites some felon to attend and bring his 12-year old son.  Grab a handful o’ back hair and hang on for dear life!  Felon denied entry.  Shocking!  Felon blows gasket on public sidewalk, “Nothing stops me, not the mob, not the government, not nothing!”  I’ll tell you who stops him, Security by Bravo, that’s who!  The disproportionate display of emotion would have us think he was denied entry into Slick’s Tavern, but oh no dear reader, it was not.  This man wanted in on that fourth rate book launch party more than a housewife wants free samples at Costco!

felon

Inside, Tre has no clue of happenings on the street.  Good hair, don’t care, and whoa…what’s that?  She made number two on NY Times best seller list, beating out the Pope’s book, which debuted at number four.  Cheers, Ima proud of you, number two!

Coming up this season, Jacs going to be a glam-ma, Kim D. back with vengeance and square tit (oh wait, that was Kim G.), drama between Jacs and Melissa escalates.

Namaste, Bitches

Crazy caterwauling broads heading out for mandatory Bravo sponsored vaca from hell.  Melissa packed her entire hair and makeup team in her largest Costco Louis Vuitton knockoff.  Tre looking forward to celebrating the removal of her bedazzled ankle bracelet and knockin’ a few back, but alas…Jacs will be there and hell hath no fury like a broke ass beyotch who sits at home behind washing machine in basement dreaming up ways to make your prison life look like a productive trip to Wal-Mart.  Siggy has sufficiently analyzed everyone, stopped at Dunkin’ Donuts, and made she and Jacs late to the party.  They get shitty rooms in basement at Crystal Springs Resort, which is about 1/8th the size of one of their McMansions.

Handshake

Jacs giving Tre the cold shoulder even though not wearing cold shoulder top.  Siggy awkwardly introduces Tre and Jacs, as if they have never ripped out each other’s weaves.  Jacs extends a hand.  Tre appalled, clearly expecting fake-ass hug and air kisses.  Ladies sit down for dinner, discuss financial difficulties.  Is this really best subject?  Siggy’s hubby down and out when they met, stood by her man!  In 2008, Melissa faced the great diaper and Costco membership famine.  Rather than halt construction on their re-done home to meet the basic necessities of life, they decided to add on a 15th bathroom, for resale value y’know.

Ladies head outside for fireside chat, more drinks, s’mores, and some blankies-n-cuddles.  They discuss being career oriented and balancing fambly.  Welcome to the world, so nice of you to join us.  Jacs has overwhelming need for facial tissues.  Tre tries to turn mood around and invites everyone to her book signing party, which is hopefully foreshadowing for throwdown of some sort.  This Kumbaya shit sucks donkey ass.

Jacs hatches plan to phone the house husbands and trick them into thinking the women are brawling, which reflects faux-drama from the previews.  Thanks for nuttin’, Bravo!  Melissa livens it up, let’s play wine pong!  They all get hammered from chugging wine out of red Solo cups and go night-night!

Next day, everyone looks like they just barreled out of Willie Nelson’s tour bus, they sit, hungover, eating breakfast.  Jacs in basement, crying her false eyelashes off.  Siggy instant counseling sesh reveals Jacs has case of sads.  Housewives tawwwwlk about their kids, sports, sending Jacs into chasm of despair over Nicholas and his different types of victories.  Tre makes lame attempt to comfort, twirling Jacs’ ponytail, while promising her that Nicholas will someday make it to the cheer leading squad, for realz.

Jacs crying

Ladies head out to the pool, Melissa and Dolores have a poolside chat about Tre and Melissa still walking on eggshells around her beloved sissy-in-law.  Jacs can’t stop herself from being annoying.  She thinks they are talking about her and Tre, “would you like to share with the rest of the class, secrets don’t make friends!”  Neither do adults who ride the hot mess express.

They head inside to have spa treatments, not a moment too soon.  Jacs becoming more annoying by the sip.  Tre and Jacs in private room for body brushing mud treatment.  Tre offers herself to Jacs, “call me, I’ll drop Milania off at your house until she’s 18 everything for you and give you a car ride since you can’t act normal don’t like the highway, we’ll go to Cowwwwwstco!”  Jacs gets a case of all the feels…aww so sorry for inviting you to dinner at my house and launching a full-blown, pedal to the metal, nitro-burnin’ bitch attack.  Watch out, the BFFL are back!

Everyone cooking dinner, group effort, all eyes on Tre and Jacs and the progression of their friendship renewal spa treatment.  That must cost extra.  Friendship contract not included.  Jacs waxes philosophical about friendship with Tre, they will grow old together, pluck each other’s’ mole hairs.  Siggy performs a rather bizarre demonstration, dumping olives in and out of a jar, basically calling Jacs deep and Tre simpleton.  Jacs about as deep as a bird bath and Tre too simple to pick up on the backhanded insult.

Tre feeling playful, Tre feeling like flipping something.  She flips tray of chocolate out of Melissa’s hands.  Melissa kinda pissed, Tre gets what she deserves, melted chocolate all over the ass of her Sears catalog velvet tracksuit.

Tre chocolate

Jacs acting crazier than a road lizard, accusing Dolores and Melissa of tawwwwlking about her again.  Siggy hears, rushes from kitchen to mediate situation.

Jacs Pointing Again

Melissa tired of the paranoia, foreshadowing for Melissa Jacs feud.  Next day, Tre leads yoga sesh, everyone wants Jacs to simma the fuck down.

Simma

Tre announces yoga stimulates farting and queefing.  Siggy stops in tracks, hold up, what’s queef?  They explain, oooh “vagina fart”.  Annnd…Namaste, bitches!

Yoga fart

Next time, Dolores finally lets Boo go and the non-dynamic duo makes an appearance at Tre’s book party.

Home Improvements

Snow is falling in Jersey, we start with Dolores “I want to stand on my own two feet right after I squeeze every last dime out of former Mr. New Jersey for my kitchen remodel”.  While Dolores was out having her weave refreshed so it no longer smells like spaghetti O’s, Frank got to work.  No kitchen remodel for you.  We are refacing the cabinets with a kit we bought on clearance at Home Depot.  You’ll get nothing and like it.

Jacs is busily relieving her Teresa induced stress by shoveling her drive for the impending arrival of Siggy and Dolores.  Must rehash the Jacs/Tre rematch.  Jacs recounts.  Tre poking, bringing up four-year old fight, which they made up from three times.  Maybe they need to make up for each year?  Siggy analyzes.  Trigger points.  Verbal fencing.  Bill for $575 in mail to Jacs from Siggy’s office.

Dolores has bigger fish to fry.  Her beloved dog, Boo, is having kidney failure.  Throwing up all over her Versace sheet set.  Why she keeps him laying around the house is beyond me.  Siggy and Jacs show up in their finest bandannas and pigtails to throw some sledgehammers into flimsy drywall.

Jacs Pigtails

Dolores receives reality check phone call from her bidness partner, Maz, who wants her financially dependent on Frank ass at work.  Dolores admits she is riding gravy train with biscuit wheels and intends to ride cowboy Frank until he dies.  Dolores, seriously…get into your gym, do some squats, a burpee or twelve, and inspire your customers.  Siggy lays it down, do some adulting.  I’ll send a bill, or shall I just direct debit Frank’s checking account?

Meanwhile, Melissa feathers ruffled.  Cannot believe that see you next Tuesday, Jacs, put her hubby Joe on THE SPEAKER PHONE OF TRUTH.  Melissa summons Jacs for tête-à-tête so she can “nip it in the butt”.  Good luck with that.  Nipping butts = no storyline, no drama = no Bravo paycheck.

Jacs and Melissa have Mexican standoff.  Jacs fires up, waving acrylic nail of death in Melissa’s face.  Jacs isn’t buyin’ the “new Namaste Tre”.  They agree to discontinue tawwwlking about Tre.  Waiter intrudes.  Shut the hell up and eat your salads in awkward silence.

Jacs Finger Point

Siggy trying to establish traditions with her family, seeking advice from her parents.  Mother from Iraq and father survivor of holocaust.  Siggy feels she has compromised her heritage and has adopted being Italian.  Siggy’s father assures her that one day her sanctimonious children will appreciate the overbearing mothering.  Parents seem like sweet people, what the hell are they doing on this three-ring shit show?

Siggy talking with her son, apparently doesn’t know who Andrew Jackson is.  Siggy must not deal in $20 bills.  She announces the fambly will be having kiddish once or twice a month.  Kids are thrilled, not allowed to have their phones.  It’s FRIDAY NIGHT SIGGY, have you lost your dayum mind?!?!  Sophie protests, NO PHONE FOR YOU – ANOTHER WEEK!  Siggy is phone Nazi.  Wow, that joke in bad taste.  I appall myself.  Josh gets busted with his phone under the table, NO CAR FOR YOU!

Siggy Family

In other bratty kid news, Ass-lee tells Jacs that she is so happy she has young parents and Jacs is the “cool mom”.  Uh in what warped universe?  Ass-lee’s boyfriend Pete shows up for fambly dinner.  Jacs and Chris grill them about moving in together, but Chris warns them to slow down.  Pete awkwardly helps Jacs in the kitchen, but has ulterior motive.  Wants Jacs to assist him with engagement ring selection.  They hit “Diamond Jewelry Way”, the search for the perfect ring befitting a rotten, surgically altered, twenty something, with a grossly exaggerated sense of entitlement begins.  Pete zones in on a three carat cushion cut with a thin diamond band.  Hey, go big or go home.  Jacs reminds Pete how they can “upgrade over the years”.  UPGRADE FROM THREE KARATS, PEOPLE.  Great advice future MIL, live beyond your means so you may subsist on cat food and die penniless, while maintaining expressionless face via back alley botox.

It’s a big day at the Goo-Boo-Chay home, Juicy Joe has surgically removed Tre’s bedazzled ankle bracelet.  Milania and Audriana think the removal of the contraption means mommy will no longer have to “work”.  Ugh, these lame explanations.  Later, Juicy decants the wine as Tre greets Joe and Melissa.  Tre is feeling lighter than air, but what would be better is if she could get an “edamame” and have her pooper cleaned out.  Melissa clarifies, ENEMA?  Oy vey!  The term she is searching for is “colonic” and it has nothing to do with steamed, salted soybeans in the husk served at Japanese restaurants.  Tre recounts the blow by blow with Jacs.  Melissa whips out astrological chart and determines Jacs and Tre will never get along.  Melissa will chase them out of the figurative forest if they don’t knock their shit off.

Another unknown day and time, Tre calls fambly meeting to employ tactics she learned from Counselor Healy while “away at camp”.  Everyone must write down fambly improvements they would like to see.  Tre would like to see Juicy be “less rough” with the girls after witnessing him kick/slide Audriana under the bed whilst she was in full downward Ho pose.  Milania wants to eradicate her sisters and everyone needs to stop calling her fat.  Especially Juicy Joe.  Milania proceeds to read him like a trashy novel… “AND YOU’RE SO FAT!  You look like your pregnant and having, like, four babies!”  Milania’s other request is for Tre to put down her phone and pay attention to her.  PREACH SISTA!

It’s G to the ia’s turn.  Juicy Joe must contain his temper and Tre stop over reacting.  Tre shrieks…WHAAAAATTTT?  I’M SOOOOO MELLOW SINCE I’VE BEEN HOME FROM “CAMP”!  SEE, I DO YOGA!  As for Gabriella, she has nothing to say, bitch ain’t havin’ it.  Wants to get back to planning where she will bury the bodies.  The next day, the fambly goes indoor skydiving to celebrate Milania’s 10th birthday, which they are keeping “low key”.  Nothing says “low key” like a hot pink oversized Hummer.  In a sobering moment, Milania announces that she would like to go “real skydiving” for her 11th birthday, but it sinks in that at that time next year, Juicy Joe will be serving his turn “at camp”.  Positive note, Milania won’t have to approach her 11th birthday being called FAT by Mucinex slug of a father.  It’s called the prison diet Juicy Joe, get on it.

The drama is cued up for next week.  Melissa invites Tre to Crystal Springs for a girls trip by couching it as “celebration of the bedazzled ankle bracelet removal”.  We all know the paycheck hinges on drama, so it will be a Tre/Jacs intervention/explosion.