Clink Clink

Those aren’t Fabellini glasses clinking, that is the sound of shackles around Teresa Goo-boo-chay’s ankles so she won’t run off set and hole up in the Bravo intern bathroom during this GAWD-Awful reunion show.  Let’s sift through only the lowlights so our heads don’t explode.

Fambly Feud

Dina’s return to the show was based on the departure of Caroline and Jacs, specifically Jacs, who Dina labels as “toxic”.  After Teresa flipped the table in season one, like the incredible hulk, Dina said good riddance.  Today, Tre-Hulk is much more calm now that her days in the free world are numbered.  Dina still hasn’t filed for divorce, since Tommy is the “only plumber” she knows, he has been “cleaning her pipes”.  WTMI.

Dina notes she will gladly reconcile with her brother and sister, but she will love Jacs from a different zip code.  Tre sarcastically and quite condescendingly applauds OHAC for admitting the show causes tension among the cast mates.  OHAC quickly reminds her that participation in vile, petty feuding on national television with fambly members is strictly voluntary.  I guess Tre forgets where her freakin bread is buttered.  Won’t matter, commissary doesn’t take Bravo Bucks.

Sidebar:  Dina should fire her stylist ASAP for putting that heinous necklace on her.  But her hairstylist gets points for the bangin’ side braid.

Dina-Necklace

Delusion Fusion

Tre doesn’t believe she has ever “hit below the belt” during her entire stint on the show.  The Non-Dynanic Duo belt out a hearty, simultaneous laugh, while Melissa is biting her tongue so hard she may need a paramedic.

“The Cancer” and “The Nose Job”

Amber Alert is allowed to have the floor and her only regret is “crying too much”.  The playing of the cancer card is addressed, but Amber claims she wanted to use the show as a platform to raise awareness.  The Non-Dynamic Duo bash Amber for saying “The Cancer” and they accuse her of having a nose job.  Amber Alert will use her articles of speech however she wants, damn it, and she denies the nose job.

Jersey-Isms

Rosie and Kathy join the floor and discuss the dictionary gag gift they gave Tre.  Everyone has a collective laugh and we are treated to a montage of Jersey-isms:

  • Boobdoir = Boudoir
  • Skoowers = Skewers
  • Lopter = Lobster
  • Vigerator = Refrigerator
  • Calmaradity = Camraderie
  • Cold soldiers = Cold shoulder
  • You should be a cannibal for your actions = You should be accountable for your actions
  • Myrant = this one is actually functional: midget + tyrant = MYRANT!
  • Jigged myself = Jinxed myself

Penny For Your Thoughts

A clip is shown of Kathy’s mother saying that “when you do the wrong thing, mistakes catch up to you”.  Tre makes a dramatic exit and pulls a Bobby by locking herself in the bathroom.  She is still miced and the audio confirms that she has the attention span of a gnat, “you have a mint, gum?  OHHHHH a penny!”

Tre-NeedBreak

Sibling Support

Joe and Juicy join the stage, but Juice man is clearly numb and in shock.  Joe Gorga takes the floor “It’s so hard for me, because it’s my sister.  Whatever.”  Wiser words have never been spoken.

Warning:  Felonious Behavior May Really F*ck Up Your Day

When it rains it pours, while the Goo-Boo-Chay fambly bond is stronger than ever, they are not immune to tragedies in large, successive, quantities.  We all know Juicy’s father had a heart attack and passed away suddenly.  Tre admits that her chubby hubby has been wandering around in a daze, drinking heavily.  And this is different from his previous behavior, how exactly?

MuinexSlug

In addition, all the legal troubles have impaired Tre’s bidness, retailers will simply not tolerate this felon trying to peddle her wares, hence she makes no money.  As if that weren’t bad enough, Tre was too dense to understand that her plea deal included prison time and she was completely blindsided.  Her doctor must have her on some low-grade beaver tranquilizer, the poor thing didn’t even understand Ter-ess-uh’s “clink clink” handcuff gesture.  Look at the bright side Tre, you are going to hang out with the Orange is the New Black Beyotches.  They make prison look fun!

Let’s Talk About Bawwwby

Bawby is apparently a trust fund baby, which confirms that Nicole is not only wearing gold lame, but she is a “gold digga”.  Is that anything like a “soul digga”, like the men who helped Melissa pretend to be a singer?  I digress… Bawby’s sexual preference was called into question over the scene where he frolicked on the beach with a very muscular and agile Joe Gorga and even performed CPR on him.  Bobby never dignifies the question with an answer, but doesn’t deny it either.  Jim and Amber Alert are being too loud an distracting and they get of the topic of Bawby’s possible homosexuality.  Jim whips out a folder of evidence and screams “Fame Whore” across the set, while holding up several pictures of Bawby posing with various housewives.  Amber Alert claims he was only hanging on with Nicole to see if she would be signed to the show so he can get his 7 minutes of fame.

FameWhore

Asshole Problem

Jim is an asshole, Amber Alert affectionately calls him “scorched Earth”, and Dina labels Jim as “mangina”, since calling him “whale vagina” is insulting to women and whale’s everywhere.  Jim brags how he made $8.5 million last year and Melissa whips out her Lawyering License and advises him to refrain from discussing his gross income from all sources on the show.  Wake up and smell the indictment!  Jim is yelling at Tre and li’l Joey Gorga has a flashback to his childhood, “don’t talk to my sister that way, she’s my sister, she threw my toys out the window!”  Uh, that’s another show entirely.  “Don’t talk that way, women box women, men box wen.  Uh menin, you know what I mean!”  No Joe, we don’t.  What is “menin”?  Isn’t that a 1987 jingle for Mennin speed stick deodorant?  Jim is a hot ass mess, he claims he is getting “hate faxes”…ummm who faxes anything anymore?  I’m sure Joe Gorga will offer you a discount on shredding those hate faxes.

Santarinogate – The Gift That Keeps On Giving Like Long-Lasting Spray Tan

OHAC prefaces the Santarinogate segment by assuring everyone on the stage that they will all be heard.  In other words, shut the f*ck up!  Jim repeated the Santarinogate rumor because he was hammered and thought it was hilarious, he only repeated it “as a joke” and he didn’t expect the twins to “go all Chernobyl”.  This guy has a sick sense of humor.  Ter-ess-uh has the floor and regardless that all men are pigs, she knows that her precious Rino would never have inappropriate relations with her mother.  Let’s bring out that crypt keeper, Victoria Gotti, to set the record straight!  Seriously, now that would have been epic.

The men get into the rumor mill a bit more and Jim bashes on Rino for hiding in his own vacation home two miles away from the Florida meltdown vacation rental from hell and he bashes Bawby for hiding in the bathroom.  Bawby states he was simply walking away from “The Marchese Spin Machine”.  Bawby owns a condo he rents to a female tenant, and Jim spun that as Bawby having a “kept woman”.

Bawby apologizes to Nicole for calling her “stupid”, but he clarified that he was calling her stupid for taking the bait from Jim.  Okay Bawby, we get it, so you weren’t “a bitch” when you hid in the bathroom, you were just “acting like a bitch”.  Whatever helps you sleep at night, dude.

Issues

Jim also apologizes to the twins and then calls Dina out for perpetuating the rumor on camera.  Jim, have you learned nothing, Dina will cut your eyes out and serve them on a cheese platter.

What Have We Learned, if Anything?

Ter-ess-uh learned that alcohol and cameras don’t mix.  Nicole learned to keep it real.  Amber Alert wouldn’t cry so much and would keep Jim off Twitter.  Melissa is learning to see the big picture.  Dina learned once you walk away from something remember why you did.  Tre apologizes to her fans for letting them down and she’s going to make herself a better person.  Tre admits that she regrets 80% of the show.

OHAC takes Tre’s delicate, tiny hands, which are about to be subjected to shackles and germy prison showers.  Tre thinks this is her last show and they get emotional for a moment.  After all Tre made reality TV history with her table flip and criminal behavior.  OHAC wishes her the best… annnd scene, Girl, BYE!  As Cynthia from the ATL would say – “This was a waste of an outfit and a wig!”

OHAC-ShakeHand

Best quote of this trifecta shit show goes do Dina:  “This show is so f*cked up!”  Yes, yes it is!

It’s the end of an era, so how long before Bravo gives Tre a spinoff show about her time in prison?

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Lady Bug Out

This season finale has been about as disenchanting as a flat glass of Fabellini.  Since we have already heard about the sentencing handed down to Juicy and Tre, I will just be hitting a few of the low-lights:

Melissa and Tre get together, this is not important, but what is important is the gymnastic mat that Antonia and Milania have placed on the marble floor so they can do flips.  This mat brought back so many good memories, like when a hammered Juicy attempted drunken tumbling on said gymnastic mat, but completely missed the mark and ended up busting his face.  In case you missed it, see my post “Oh Joe He Di’int!”:  https://realityweecap.wordpress.com/2011/08/31/oh-joe-he-di%E2%80%99int/

Joe-face plant

That’s what two…tree…four bottles of wine will do to ya’!

The Non –Dynamic Duo and Dina arrive at Abbey’s Farm where they will hold the Ladybug event.  This house belongs to a friend of the twins, Abbey, and it is like a resort and is Bed, Bath, and Beyond fabulous.  Why she is consenting to allow a bunch of psychotic, bat-shit crazy skanks to bring their weaves all up in da’ joint is beyond me.  Dina will not tolerate any negative or nasty at her charity event, which may greatly diminish the guest list.  Dina has provided security with a photo of Crypt Keeper, Victoria Gotti, and she will not be permitted past the moat.  If anyone starts any shit, they will end up like those two sad sacks, Kathy and Jacs… all puffed up from eating sugary treats while sobbing and clamoring for camera time.

Ter-ess-uh gives the camera a one-on-one interview that will surely send her straight to hell.  She believes that Tre and Juicy’s sentencing and demise of their fambly is a direct result of karma and she taps her wrists together and says “clink clink!”  Now Ter-ess-uh, how dumb are you?  Is that good Karma?

Amber Alert was growing her hair out for five years after she lost it all due to chemotherapy.  She is finally getting it cut off and donating the hair.  Her daughter can’t handle it and is having a major meltdown.  Amber Alert later admits that she hopes the twins won’t recognize her with shorter hair.  Well played, Amber Alert, well played!

Amber-Haircut

Joe is pretending to break ground on his vacant lot where he plans to build his fake house.  Melissa pretends she is JLo and does the poor white woman’s version of the cabbage patch dance on the vacant lot.

Dina is setting up for the Ladybug event and she has enough candy to kill the four Great Danes who live on Abbey’s Farms.  Tre shows up for hair and makeup and does her due diligence (for once in her life) and she is sure to forewarn Dina that if the twins start shit, it’s on them.

Dina-Candy

The Non-Dynamic Duo is already getting fired up for a brawl during their car ride to the event.  Their father, Sal, describes anger as “disappointed love”.  Angry people don’t give or get love in their lives, that’s why Tre is a bitter ol’ skank.

Despite the pre-charity event wind up, the Ladybug fashion show actually comes off without incident.  Antonia and Milania are too cute working the catwalk.  Amber Alert takes Rino aside to discuss the elephant thong in the room, but Rino handles it diplomatically and makes it clear that he doesn’t agree with Jim pretending to be a housewife and shouldn’t be talking to women the way he does.  The talk amicably annnnnd SCENE!

Across the room, the non-dynamic duo has a meeting of the mind and they decide now is the time to confront Tre.  Bobby warns them not to expect an apology, and they charge in.  Tre tries to clarify what was said between she and Crypt Keeper Gotti and she reiterates that Rino started the rumor about he and Santa.  Nicole jumps in and calls Tre stupid, which is one of Tre’s hot buttons and Dina is ready for Tre to “flip a bitch”.  Someone get security on that candy table…STAT!  Tre tries to explain why she repeated the rumor to Dina and they end up agreeing to discuss things directly to each other going forward, and they hug it out.  WHERE IS THE MEOW DOWN!  I want to see weaves flying, drinks being thrown in botoxed faces, and Lee press on nails landing in the candy buffet!

Twins-Confront

We flash forward to October 2, 2014 and Juicy is sentenced to 41 months in jail and possible deportation.  Teresa will serve 15 months.  From what I understand, they will stagger the sentences so that the children will be cared for by at least one parent.

The Laurita’s and Wakile’s are gathered together and receive the news.  A few breakdowns and some shocked reactions.  Rosie reads a prayer from her “God, we are in deep shit” app on her smart phone, and this finishes the rather somber and lackluster season finale.

Wakiles-Sad

See you at the reunion, parts one through eighteen!

No Apologies

We start this week with the B-string cast members, the Laurita’s, Wakile’s, and Rosie, who are getting together to have cannoli and (according to Richie), play “Shack, Marry, Kill”.  Oy!  Kathy has invited the Non-Dynamic Duo over to fully integrate them into the hot ass mess.  Nicole already has Jacs labeled as a trouble maker and Richie and Chris interrogate Bobby to get the lowdown.  Bobby tells the boys that he and Nicole met at Dunkin’ Donuts and he can’t envision dunkin’ his donut in his butter pecan latte without Nicole by his side.  Richie also clarifies the difference between twin Ter-esss-uh, not “Fabellini” Teresa, who Richie calls “felonini”.  Score line of the night for Richie.

Meanwhile, the girls chat and discuss the ill-fated Florida trip and Nicole has no qualms exposing the rumor that was the highlight of the feuding.  I guess it’s okay to perpetuate your own rumor.  Jacs practically chokes on her boxed wine, which she is drinking through a straw.  Keepin’ it klassy, Jacs.  Rosie would have gone prison orange coo-coo pants by now if this rumor was said about her mother, and since the B-cast is too terrified to take on the likes of Victoria Gotti, they all nominate Tree for the dog house because she repeated the rumor.

Kathy-Jacs

Melissa and Amber Alert meet to check in and discuss Jim’s horrific douche-bag behavior and Melissa encourages her to discuss the situation with the twins at the upcoming, and also to be ill-fated, Ladybug charity event.  The only good thing about this charity event is that it signifies the end of the season, there is always the Bravo mandated “confrontation at a fashion-show, charity ball, social event” finale.

Later, the Non-Dynamic Duo go shopping for dresses to wear to the Ladybug Event and they try on some trashy dresses that look like they were made by “Project Runway” rejects during the Fredrick’s of Hollywood Challenge.  Ter-esss-uh is planning a “tasting party” and she plans to invite everyone except Amber Alert and Tre, so what better way to handle this than to call Melissa while she is at a spa day with the bot’ of dem.

Twins-Dresses

At the spa, Dina makes it crystal effing clear that she wants all the differences put aside so her Ladybug event is without incident.  Melissa takes the call from Ter-esss-uh and of course has her on speaker.  When Tre and Amber alert over hear that they are persona non grata at Ter-ess-uh’s tasting party, they crack up and pretend to be sad.  Dina vows to Tre that she will not allow anyone to talk bad about her at the tasting party, which sets these two up for a rift that will surely carry on into season 12.

Spa Day

Later, Amber Alert is getting naked at a horse stable to do a photo shoot to commemorate her breast cancer.  Jim looks on like a proud perv and after they are done, he walks outside and he is so bereft, he actually has to take a knee.  Jim later takes Amber Alert, wearing her best white eyeliner, to an art gallery for a romantic dinner and to view all of her cancer photos on display, on display, on display.  They talk about cancer, life is short, I don’t want you hanging out with those women, WHY ARE THESE TWO SKID MARKS ON THE UNDERPATNS OF SOCIETY ON THIS SHOW?

Amber-Posing

Tre and G to the ia go out to get pedicures and Tre talks about birth control and then tells G to the ia that she “had something taken out today”, which must mean an IUD.  That is all Tre needs is to pull the damn goalie and get pregnant before she is shipped off to prison camp.  She may not even have to worry about who will care for G to the ia because the poor kid is about to die of embarrassment.

It’s the night of Ter-esss-uh’s tasting party and Melissa takes the opportunity to confirm that everything is copacetic because she wants to bring Antonia to the Ladybug event and will not tolerate a bunch of hags fighting like cats in a pillowcase in front of her daughter.  They sort it out and come up with an outstanding solution that will happen when miniature, disabled, pot-bellied pigs fly out of Dina’s ass.  The twins want an apology from Tre for perpetuating the Santarinogate rumor and Dina volunteers to spearhead that effort.

In other news, Nicole and Bobby go to look at a huge southern style plantation mansion that Nicole thinks she is going to buy for herself.  Bobby anticipates getting engaged within the next year, so I am not sure why she would buy a house listed at $899,000 with royal blue shag carpet.  This is just annoying filler and we all know there is no way Nicole is even serious about buying this house.  We all know she wants to get engaged to Bobby, move in with him, and register at Bed, Bath, and Beyond a hot mess and Dunkin’ Donuts.

Dina sits down to meet with Melissa and Tre and she informs them that she got a nasty text from Amber Alert and she and Jim won’t have anything to do with the Ladybug event.  Dina is wary because she has only sold 105 tickets and now that Jim and Amber Alert are boycotting the event, they will not be inviting all of their imaginary friends.  Tre has come to the table bearing Ladybug sprinkle cookies and Melissa and Dina request that Tre apologize to the Non-Dynamic Duo for repeating the Santarinogate rumor.  I swear if Tre were “no longer a hot-tempered Italian” who “will not be provoked”, she would have flipped that Ikea kitchen table right through the ceiling, destroying Dina’s beloved shoe collection.

Tre-NotSorry

Tre turns the attack on Dina, who felt the need to repeat the rumor to the twin twits in the first place.  WORD!  Tre refuses to make any kind of regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure, as if this is a shocker?  Tre has enough drama in her life and she is appalled that the twins would even ask for an apology.  This sets up the drama for next week at the long anticipated Ladybug event where Tre may snap like Mike Tyson at a spelling bee.  Brace for impact…

Never Ending Journey

Let’s put this never ending fight to bed, shall we!?!?!  Where we left off, Bobby finally emerged from the bathroom and he is confronting Jim in classic Jersey style by shouting, clapping, and serenading them from the top of the staircase shortly before retreating to the bathroom again.  I swear he must be up there cutting lines like a handicapped kid at Disney world.  With the twins left on their own to fight this battle through their drunken hysteria, it’s about to get turnt up in here.  Ter-ess-uh is going crack house rat crazy and we see Nicole mouth the words “let’s go”…funny, I never pegged Nicole as the calm, sensible one.  Amber Alert is pissed at Jim and Melissa won’t be left out, she is the new and improved voice of reason.  Ter-ess-uh decides to have a smoke and Amber Alert joins her.  She flips her hair like a pro and lights up that Virginia Slim, F*CK YOU CANCER, F*CK YOU RIGHT IN THE FACE!  Dina says that Jim definitely has a vagina and tells Amber Alert, “I’m sorry you’re married to a dick.”  So, does that make Jim a hermaphrodite?  Ugh…Ter-ess-uh states that Jim is a perfect example of a Napoleon complex and Jim retorts with “you’re a perfect example of an uneducated dumb f*ck.”  Keep it klassy Jimbo!

Amber smoking

Then, as if he were hatched fresh from a boil on Satan’s anus, Jim starts yelling about Rino and his escapades, including trying to bang local crypt keeper, Victoria Gotti, dating a rusty or Russian stripper, and then he drops the mutha of all bombs… “I think he f*cked your mom!”  Joe rushes Jim off to bed to extract him from what has become an out of control shit show.  Amber Alert follows and she is clearly tore up from the floor up.  Nothing good can come from this, it will only end in tears, this situation is FRAUGHT WITH PERIL!

Alec_Baldwin_Fraught

Dina tells Ter-ess-uh that this talk of Rino and Santa was the rumor that she was speaking about and the non-dynamic duo flies off their broom handle.  They are horrified that everyone has been gossiping about this the whole time and Dina has had enough of this nutbaggery, she looks at the camera, Dina Manzo is DUNZO!  Melissa suggests, in the interest of Zen, they all sleep it off on it.

The next morning in Florida, Jim should be hiding under the bed, but he is in the kitchen whipping up breakfast as if nothing has happened.  Ter-ess-uh is packing her shit and plans to head over to her vacation home to meet Rino, which is five minutes away.  Why didn’t she go sooner?  Melissa is so furious that she must rub oil all over her body and get some sun.  Amber Alert is hunched over her breakfast like a hungover skag and when the conversation inevitably turns to the ugly events of the evening prior, Jim’s response is that it was all in good fun.  Melissa is stunned and leave it to Dina to put the kibosh on all this, after all it is severely f*cking with her Zen.  Dina emerges, looking fabulous in her jammy pants, and confronts Jim and Amber Alert, “you’re sittin’ there in your bikini and your gold jewelry like it’s no big deal, get up, pack your bags, and go!”  Dayum!  Amber Alert is reduced to tears again and she seems to forget that everyone else was perfectly fine in Florida before she and her dick vagina husband arrived.  Joe makes a drink and a toast, “the poison has left the building!”

Dina-pack and go

Meanwhile back in Jersey, a small puppy is suffering from shaken baby syndrome.  Milania is trying to burp the puppy like it’s a baby and I’m surprised the thing hasn’t bitten her ear off yet.  The fambly is having breakfast in the kitchen when Juicy announces that he and Tre have decided to forgo their separate rooms and will be spending the night as a couple in the fantasy suite.  Wait, wrong show… Tre and Juicy will have a “date night” to keep the fambly “on a float… no wait, on a flow” says Tre.  Because what better way to spend their fleeting moments with their children then to dump them off at Nana and Papa’s?

The jailbirds spend the night at The Carlton hotel and enjoy a plate of oysters, which Juicy likens to “a sloppy va-jay-jay”.  Really.  Appetizing.  Juicy figures dat he and da mizzuz have been working so hard defrauding banks, they deserve it and whatever, y’know.  We are treated to a flashback photo of Tre and Joe from the good ol’ days when they were just engaging in petty theft.  Tre has a huge head and a super skinny body, she looks like a walkin’ candy apple.  Juicy delivers a lovely toast to his “bitch wife”… “to our girls, our health, and for being the luckiest guy in the world, because I’m married to you.”  And you’re going down with me, 15 months in the pokey, you stupid skank of epic proportion.  I hear orange is the new leopard!

Tre-Joe-Night_out

We have a brief moment with Jacs and Kathy, I’m not sure why because nobody cares about these two, who are clearly clinging for dear life for their spots on this train wreck.  Jacs is like a damn dog with a bone, she talks about reaching out to Tre again and getting an abrupt, short response and Kathy advises she let it go and move on.  Later, Jacs shares a “date night” of her own.  She and hubby stay at home because they are trying to live within their means.  What a novel concept!  Chris tells her that as far as the Juicy and Tre situation goes, the writing is on the wall.  Now let’s get busy cooking dinner, so we can go get busy!

Back in Boca, what is left of the group boards a yacht called the “Never Ending Journey”, how apropos.  The gang is having a great day in the hot tub, knockin’ ‘em back and Bobby is trying to keep up, drink for drink, with Joe.  Dina is being a little bit of a shit-stirring diva and tells Nicole that Bobby should have been by Nicole’s side throughout the melee the night before and not hiding in the bathroom like the little bitch that he is.  Dina doesn’t think Bobby is in it to win it and then, suddenly, Bobby and Joe dive into the ocean and start horsing around in the water.  They wash ashore, wrestle in the soft white sand, pretend to perform CPR on each other, then Bobby gently whispers in Joe’s ear “If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.”  It borders the line of unhealthy bromance and could be the reason Bobby hasn’t put a ring on Nicole it.

Bromance

Later that night, a chef has come to the Miami Vice Mansion from Hell to prepare dinner, but Bobby is too hammered to show up.  Nicole took a nap in her bikini, which tells me she was gacked to the nines as well.  Melissa, Joe, and Dina are the only ones who make it to the dinner table and Nicole eventually comes down.  She tries to pass off Bobby’s absence as “food poisoning”.  Yes, too much vodka food.  Ter-ess-uh and Rino stop by to say hello and they all have a good laugh.  Rino thinks that the Santarinogate rumor is so outlandish that it’s hilarious.  Bobby finally drags his way downstairs and I can almost smell him through the television, a hard mix of stale pork rinds and sticky bar room floor.  Joe gives a toast to “friends, happiness, and good people.”  Yes, good people who are not of the mother f*cking variety…

Next week, Jacs and Kathy meet the twins and get in on the dish.  Rosie declares “the whole word mother f*cker has a whole new meaning!” Now that’s something to smoke about!

Rosie Cigarette

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

A Bird in the Hand is Worth Santa in the Bush

A hush falls over the fresh, crisp white snow in front of the Goo-boo-chay mansion.  Teresa is stirring about, trying to carry-on her normal routine by getting the girls ready for school when tragedy strikes!  The automatic coffeemaker didn’t turn on!  Tre can only muster the brain power to throw in her clip on extensions and rush the girls off to school.  She is driving a large white Mercedes SUV that looks like she could live in it.  Jus’ sayin’ – #worstcasescenario.

Meanwhile over at Dina’s house, her assistant Luke and daughter Lexi come to find that their paraplegic pet, Gracie, has gained too much weight to fit in her wheelchair.  Luke suggests having the wheelchair widened, and what a fabulous first assignment for the new assistant.  Yes, much to Dina’s chagrin, Luke is leaving the nest.  He is moving to his homeland in Ireland because the Jersey “Match.com” pool can’t be any more shallow.  Although Luke offers to “consult” with Dina for a mere $100 per month so he can help her recall her passwords.  I can see Dina’s “Craig’s List” ad now:  “Wanted:  Personal Assistant:  Skills require ability to care for 19 disabled pets and two hairless feral cats who reek of bacon and feet.  Ability to apply roll on body glitter evenly.  Advanced plumbing skills including artificial hair weave clogs.  Willingness to listen to disturbing fambly secrets.  Must be willing to live in my closet and sell soul to devil while being extremely photogenic agree to be on national television.  Ability to maintain “zen” at all times a plus!”

Rino and Ter-esss-uh are having a discussion of the medical variety.  Rino has prostate issues, says the doc did a “finger lickin’ good” probing finger examination on him only to find that his “anal rectal region is enlarged”.  Wow…WTMI, my friend.  Rino will be having a colonoscopy soon and wants to make sure he lives long and strong so he can make up for lost time with Ter-esss-uh.  He decides there is no time like the present and he comes into the bedroom wearing a thong that Ter-esss-uh no doubt received as a gag re-done wedding gift.  “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush!” he tells his lovely wife while flapping around in his Toucan thong.

Rino-Thong-2

Joe and Melissa visit their architect to see the views of their new home, which looks like a castle that could house a fambly of 20, it’s 9,000 square feet including a swim up bar, cave underneath the pool, a grotto, and six bedrooms.  Not sure if this is the Playboy Mans or a home to provide shelter to four, soon to be orphaned, girls.  Joe reveals that he can only handle this new and improved squalor for one year, then he want to build another, bigger house.  #napoleoncomplexanyone?

We check in with the ever-annoying Amber Alert who is heading to church with her fambly for Ash Wednesday, “the start of the lentil season”.  Ahem…is this the season where we give up the chick pea?  Her five year breast cancer check-up is looming, so she had better cram in a few fox-hole prayers.  Amber Alert will trow in a few prayers for Tre and her troubles.  After all, Tre is going through a very dark time, much like Amber Alert was five years ago.  Because again, cancer is so comparable to federal indictment fraud charges…tomato…to-mah-to!  Amber Alert walks out of church to call Tre “check my charges”, and do some finger probing of her own.  Tre is in the middle of a work out at the gym, but Amber Alert won’t let up with the questions, how long will this take exactly, how long will Amber Alert have to pray for her exactly, what exactly should she ask for in her prayers EXACTLY, and seventy other exactly lunatic questions.

Amber-Call

Tre’s trainer, a sturdy looking German woman, prompts her to get the hell off the phone.  Tre tries to explain to Amber Alert that she can’t speak about any of this and Amber Alert attributes her annoying question to having diarrhea of the mouth.  Admitting it is the first step.  Tre says that Amber Alert’s constant questioning reminds her of a friend she used to have who asked too many questions.  We flash back to the moment when Jacs and Caroline ambushed Tre on Jacs’ back patio.  Fun times were had by all.

Tre-Gym

Ter-esss-uh shakes up the colonoscopy liquid in a shaker and serves it up in a nice martini glass for Rino.  Nicole, Santa, Dina, and Lexi arrive for dinner being cooked by Rino, who is about to have an atomic ass blast.  Totally appetizing!

Rino-Martini

The dinner convo turns to Tre and her issues, Dina says that Amber Alert was “poking her [Tre] for details.”  Dina is really peeved about said poking, and thinks it’s just a case of Amber Alert being nosy.  The rules for the Florida trip will be to keep the Tre case talk on the DL and the focus will be on whether or not Rino pounded Santa like a chicken cutlet.  The next day, Ter-esss-uh accompanies Rino to his colonoscopy, she claims she is his “calming force”.  Wow.  Just.  Wow.  The procedure goes swimmingly and the doctor tells Ter-esss-uh that Rino has the “prettiest colon I’ve seen in a long time”, I think that’s taking it a bit far.

Rino-Colon

Amber Alert’s breast cancer check-up tests were inconclusive and she is a wreck over it and assuming the worst.  She could get her mind off of it by getting a makeup lesson… the chick looks like Crayola gang banged her face.  She is over the edge, cutting strawberries with a rather large knife, venting to her wormy husband, and decides she cannot go to Florida.

Dina drops by Tre’s house, wearing her “I come to gossip Fedora”.  Tre tells Dina she isn’t going to Florida because she wants to stay home with the girls.  Translation = she can’t leave the fine state of New Jersey.  Tre pours herself a Fabellini as she prepares to spill the tea to Dina regarding Rino and Santa.  Tre can’t even tell it like it is, she says Rino “went with” Santa.  Went where?  To get some finger lickin’ good Kentucky Fried Chicken?  Rino went with Santa to get a colonoscopy?  Where, where did they go?  Despite Tre’s vagueness, Dina is a sharp cookie and gets the inference, but isn’t buying it at all and chalks it up to Rino’s personality, of course he was joking.  Tre has a valid point, “who jokes like that” she says in her high pitched howler monkey squeal.  Dina is not feeling very comfortable holding this information, but Tre clarifies that she spilled it only in the event that Amber Alert tries to pull it out of her bag o’ tricks.  Tre wants someone in her corner who knows the straight story.  If the story is even straight!

Dina-Fedora

Next week Jacs is back and things start smoldering in Florida.

Sh!t Shoveling

It’s four days before the plea deal for the Goo-Boo-Chay fambly of wayward felons.  Tre is cooking in the kitchen with her girls, Audriana is chopping onions and Milania decides to eat some raw onions and act like a damn fool, and G to the ia rolls her eyes in disgust at all three of them.  Across town, at the Gorga 15,000 square foot rental home of squalor, they catch their fambly on the television news, while Amber Alert is scouring her go-to news source, “Radar Online”.  Amber Alert preps for her Emmy winning performance and calls Tre, already busting out the histrionics before the call even goes through.  Watch out, Meryl Streep!  Tre is like “wha, what happened”, G to the ia can hear Amber Alert sobbing and she starts laughing.  Tre chalks it up to being pre-menstrual or because she has been through “the cancer”.  Amber Alert is a hot mess express and she really needs to consider waterproof mascara.  Amber Alert keeps pressing her, “Is it true?  Is it true?  I thought you were, like, in the clear!”  I don’t know what version of reality Amber Alert subscribes to, but Tre smartly cuts her off and can’t discuss it further at the advice of her legal counsel.  Jim finds Amber Alert in a puddle of tears all over the clean laundry she is folding, he explains the process of accepting a plea deal and it’s not looking good for the Goo-boo-chays.  Amber Alert equates this to her cancer scare AGAIN, because you know…it’s, like, so similar.  “At least it’s not a death sentence…” she says.  Yeah well, two years without access to body glitter and Frankenstein hair extensions might just be the demise of Tre Goo-boo-chay!

Amber-Hysterics

Melissa calls the “is it true or not true hotline” and Tre maintains it’s not true.  After Tre hangs up, G to the ia questions her mom further, but neither of them can keep it together.  You have to wonder what the hell was going through her mind when she participated in the fraudulent activities, unless she is truly that ignorant or thinks she is that invincible.

Melissa and Dina go for a work-out, which is odd because these two don’t seem to even like each other.  We find out that the weird, cut-rate gym with pulleys hanging from the ceiling is merely the stage to start talking about the Bravo mandated trip, not an actual workout.  They talk about heading to Florida, because hey, Tre broke the law, but we want to see her happy.  I am wondering how Tre could even leave the state with her pending charges.

Jim and Amber Alert are making dinner together and discuss the fact that they are pissed off that Bobby repeated what Jim told him in confidence ON NATIONAL TELEVISION about the Goo-Boo-Chays.  Jim can’t wait to spill the beans about his pal Bobby, who allegedly has names of women stored in his phone, just waiting in the wings, one in Florida.  Jim thinks he is so tough, serving Bobby a “cup o’ shut the f*ck up!”  Does he not understand he is ON CAMERA SAYING THIS SHIT!?!?!

Tre and Dina are shoveling snow and Tre is glad that Dina is the kind of superficial friend who doesn’t ask any questions.  All Dina cares about is shoveling snow off of her Buddha statue because it’s really f*cking up her zen.  Melissa shows up to be useless, as usual.  The three stooges walk around to the back of the house for some reason, get stuck in the snow, then they tell Tre that they want to take her away to Florida.  Tre is all in, because after all she may not see the sun for two years.

Snow

The non-dynamic duo are trying to dig out of their own mess and Bobby drives up to shovel out some shit of his own.  Apparently Amber Alert keeps calling and texting him.  Nicole reads the texts aloud, but Ter-ess-uh asks her to apply her theatrical knowledge and use a man’s voice while reading Bobby’s texts and a girl voice for Amber Alert’s texts.  Oy vey…I can’t take these two idiots and their Dunkin’ Donuts obsession.

Dina is hosting a gathering of the ladies to discuss her “Project Ladybug” event that will be dedicated to kids fighting cancer.  Amber Alert shows up in her “I heard some gossip Burbury Newsboy hat”, ready to stir up trouble, more on that later…

The ladies all want to help Dina, heck Tre has a good friend who was just diagnosed with breast cancer and “April 1st she’s gettin’ a vasectomy”.  I’ll give you a moment to wrap your brain around that and shake your head in haughty disdain.  While they all discuss the theme for the party, they come up with “Old Hollywood”, because of course kids are totally into that.  Dina changes the subject and throws out the invitation to Florida, the non-dynamic duo is down to travel, but Amber Alert can’t process going away.  She has all that laundry full of mascara stains to wash.

It is then that Amber Alert decides to pull Tre aside to discuss the rumor that they heard from Victoria Gotti about Rino and Mama Santa having inappropriate relations.  Amber Alert swears she won’t mention it, right as she mentions it within ear shot of Ter-ess-uh.  Tre finally tells her that she has her own shit going on and really doesn’t give a rats ass.  When did Tre Goo-boo-chay become a calm, level-headed player in this debacle?  While the other ladies sit and wonder what they are gossiping about, Nicole takes the opportunity to spill the tea on Amber Alerts crazy texts to Bobby.  When Amber Alert and Tre return to the group, the tension is thick, but neither side will offer up the dirt they were each dishing.

Gossipin

It’s the day of the plea deal and Juicy is tending to his chickens while Tre is laying on the bedroom floor reading prayers out of a book.  We see footage of Tre and Juicy hurrying into the courtroom, bottom line they both plead guilty to multiple fraud charges and are both looking at jail time.  Juicy has the added bonus of facing being deported back to Italy.  Bravo’s sister station “E!” gave the full report.  Because no one delivers hard-hitting reality television star news like Giuliana Rancic.

Tre-praying

We see small snippets of the other cast mates weighing in, Ter-ess-uh is more concerned about what Tre was wearing, Rino confuses a gavel with a mullet and the other cast mates plead ignorance.  They don’t know much about it, how all that crazy laws stuff works.  I think they are all still in shock that Tre admitted to doing something wrong.  Tre’s attorney reads a statement from Tre – she takes responsibility for a series of mistakes, etc., she’s heartbroken, her attorney is pushing for probation rather than prison.  My only sincere hope is that she does get probation.  If she goes to prison, who will teach her girls super advanced pole spins like the armpit hold and the Brass Monkey?  Ugh, there aren’t enough jewel-toned sequins in the world to fix this.  Latest update is that their sentencing was postponed to 10/2/14.  Tre’s Jimmy Choo’s could be sinking into the dry dirt in the yard for up to 27 months and Juice man could be wearing his soap on a rope for 46 months.

Tre-Court

Previews show what’s coming in the season ahead, viewership must be flagging.  Jacs is coming back on the scene and it looks like drama ahead when Jim blurts out that he saw Rino f*cking Santa Claus.

HO, HO, HO…AW HELL NO!

Melissa welcomes Amber Alert at her door, who comes bearing comfort food.  It seems Melissa’s favorite aunt passed away due to cancer.  Amber Alert is able to put her differences aside, because hey, she gets the whole cancer thingie.  Too bad she doesn’t get the whole stop setting your makeup gun to “third shift ho stroll” thingie.

Meanwhile, across town…Nicole and her mother, Santa, discuss the impending Valentine’s Day fake holiday of doom.  Nicole is all atwitter about her one year anniversary of dating Bobby, but let good ol’ Santa put the kibosh on her delusions, “He’s not like anyone you’ve ever dated before, he can really space out his need to be around you, and that’s very unusual.”  Basically, he would rather have a back alley colonoscopy than spend time with you.  Nicole rationalizes the behavior, Bobby just moves a little slow.  And is a “confirmed bachelor”, and is emotionally unavailable, and is a meat head, shall I go on?

Melissa threw on her “I come in peace fedora” and goes to visit her new bestie, sister in law, Tre.  They decide to hang out at the Goo-boo-chay house of horrors since it’s so quiet because Juicy has taken their terrifying children out for the night.  They sip some Fabellini, light the fire, and curl up on the couch, albeit awkwardly, and decide to watch the Godfather movie.  After all Tre needs to research prison-n-stuff.

In a shameless Bravo cross-promotion, Dina goes to see Vikki Ziegler (of Bravo’s latest flop show “Untying the Knot”).  Dina’s underlying fears are revealed, am I doing the right thing?  Will I ever find love again?  What will become of me now that my shoe money must become mortgage money?  Am I wearing too much body glitter?  None of these “what ifs” matter because Dina has the perfect excuse to wait on the divorce proceedings, Lexi needs to finish school first…

The Non-Dynamic Duo gets together in front of their fire place and they decide to dress Nicole up in a slutty red frock and send Bobby some sexy selfies.  Ter-ess-uh likes Bobby, but she is worried because he was single for “ten, eleven, twelve years.”  (Wow.  Just.  Wow.)  The one-year “where are we headed” pressure looms, but Nicole wants it to happen naturally and slowly like a sleepy sea turtle that was harpooned 11 times with tranquilizer darts.  Ter-ess-uh alludes to why she and Rino divorced and then remarried, she plays it off as some sort of Rino needing to sow his wild oats and bang every stripper in town…Hey Melissa….

Tre and Juicy have a meeting of the mind (yes, that is singular) to go over their calendars.  Juicy tells her “You got to get out there and you got to hustle, I mean, look, you’re the brand. I guess I’m the brawn.”  Tre is stunned that he knows what “brawn” is.  “The brawn is the muscle behind the brand. See, I know some words.”  Yay, Juicy!  Next week we’ll work on shapes and colors!  The bottom line is, Mama Goo-boo-chay has got to pay da’ bills the good ol’ fashioned way.  Leave it to Milania to bust in on the big brain trust and start applying ledger buff white out on everything.  That’s right kid, start that “Cookin’ da’ Books” training early!

Dina is low and depressed on Valentine’s Day that she decides to have a little “Face Time” with her assistant, the gay son she has always wanted.  It’s a full-blown pity party for one, she is scarfing down a box of Walgreen’s cheap chocolates that some boy gave to Lexi, while Grandma Wrinkles, smelling of bacon and feet, cuddles by her side.  Tommy proposed to Dina on Valentine’s Day, so this holiday is particularly rough for our Namaste beyotch.  Dina tests out her “Dream Spa”, which she ordered out of the fall 2013 “Contraptions” catalog.  She shoves her weary head into it and red and orange lasers burn out her retinas.

Dina-Spa

Melissa and Joe go out to celebrate Valentine’s Day and Joe has purchased more buildings and Melissa is worried that Joe is missing out on spending time with the kids.  So much so that Joe actually drove Joey to the wrong school.  No clue where his kid goes to school!  Melissa surprises joe with a book of sexy photos, which causes a fiesta in Joe’s pants.  Later Joe reciprocates the gift by surprising his fambly with a puppy, which quickly takes their minds off of losing their aunt.

The Non-Dynamic Duo, Rino, Bobby, Santa, and Sal are all out for dinner and reminisce about their favorite sweet moments from when they first met.  Nicole blurts out that Santa is worried about Bobby being a “confirmed bachelor”.  Bobby wants to make sure they take their time, but senses the pressure to show some sort of commitment to Nicole.  He tells a story about giving Nicole a stuffed frog to symbolize the end of her frog kissing days because she has finally found her prince.  Awww…GAG.

Tre shows up at “The Wine Guy”, wearing her Muppet cloak of death, to sign bottles of Fabellini and take photos.  The fans line up and start asking her personal questions.  Amber Alert shows up in her Kangol hat of peace to fish for gossip help Tre with the appearance.  Victoria Gotti shows up and cuts in line to get directly to her former Celebrity Apprentice pal.  Victoria invites them over for a drink and a side of slander.  Amber Alert is a bit troubled, but she whips on her bullet proof vest, activates her GPS tracking device embedded in her skull, and agrees to go.

Tre, Amber Alert, and Victoria Gotti sit down to talk the straight dope.  Victoria is an ol’ school G and knows Rino and his dirty laundry from way back.

Gotti

Victoria had some sort of heart attack thingie from smoking too many unfiltered cigarettes, and Rino showed up in the ICU with a diamond Rolex watch.  Victoria would not accept the gift and fired all of her henchmen for allowing Rino past the door, but she decided to keep Rino around as a friend.  Rino later told Victoria and an alleged group of people at a dinner table about his divorce.  He cheated, but that wasn’t the faux pas, it was who he cheated with that sent the crowd reeling… Amber Alert and Tre are grasping hands on the edge of their Samsonite folding chairs, expecting to hear that it was Ter-ess-uh’s twin sister, Nicole.  Totes understandable, a classic case of “twin fetish”, but no it turns out it was OH HO HO HO, AWWW HELL NAW – SANTA!  Yes, honest to crap, he slept with his mother in law.  Amber Alert and Tre need a few moments to re-hinge their jaws and so do I.  Santagate is the last thing I expected and I can’t wait for the fall-out from this little controversial convo.

Amber-Gossip

Next week, the courtroom drama heats up for the Goo-boo-chays, but who the hell cares, Rino slept with SANTA!

Hair Affair

I must be evolving as a species, because I feel completely bored with this season of RHNJ so far.  The first 45 minutes of this episode is mostly trivial interactions serving to build up to the “First Responder” shindig fallout that we have all been waiting for.

Melissa keeps crashing her Bentley, Joe Gorga claims they have money issues, which he admitted on “Watch What Happens Live” is a ploy for him to try and curb Melissa’s spending.  Good luck with ‘dat.  While they wait for the estimate to repair her bumper, Joe fills her in on the “guys nite out” and calls Jim “Pencil Dick” because he didn’t show up.  Ummm…Joe how would you know the accuracy of that statement, hmmmm?  Joe is ready to rock out with his cock out at the upcoming “First Responder” party and plans to confront Jim about the trash talkin’ he’s been doing.  The phony estimate to repair the Bentley is shown and it’s $7,062.00.  Hell, for that he should just buy her a Prius and be done with it.  Less room for shopping bags and she wouldn’t be caught dead in it.

Across town, Dina is cleaning out her dream closet and I have to say, it’s pretty fabulous.  She and Tommy decided to forgo all the gold and marble in their dream home and invested wisely in a dream closet where Dina now laments her shoe habit and must pare down her collection from 400 pairs to at least 380.  Her assistant is going to have to pry that pair of teal cowboy boots out of her cold dead hands!  Dina realizes that her shoe dilemma is two-fold, she buys shoes to fill the void that she experienced while married to Tommy, but she can’t let go of the shoes because it’s one step closer to separating completely from Tommy.

Tre, Melissa, and the Non-Dynamic Duo meet at a costume shop to find their “First Responder” costumes.  Tre looks like she just returned from a rummage sale at the Neverland Ranch.

Costume Shop

Melissa wants to be a sailor, but Tre is not sure that a sailor is a “first respondsers”.  Hopefully, there will be a real fire fighter at the party because between the hairspray and these costumes made in China, these beyotches are going to be highly flammable.  Melissa asks Nicole for an update on what happened after the twins fled the boutique once the can o’ “homewrecker” beans were spilled.  Melissa fills Tre in on what Jim had said about their fambly, but Tre wants no part of this hot mess express.

Slutty Costumes

Another day at the Goo-boo-chay house of fun, Milania is showing the girls a trick she learned from mommy and she is looting for coins in the couch cushions.  She tells her sisters “stuff your money in your bra!”  Ah the innocence of youth, everyone knows you can’t stuff coins in a bra!  Tre is trying to give Milania a lesson in “using our indoor voice”, but Milania ain’t havin’ it.   Tre talks about how Milania inherited her temper and we are treated to a wonderful trip down memory lane and we see a montage of table flippin’, Andy Cohen rag doll throwin’, venom spewing moments.

Amber Alert and fambly are filming their next commercial and all we learn here is that Jim doesn’t love this job, but is only in it for the skrilla.  His passion is to be a writer and he’s already written three books.  Great, jack of all trades, master of none another aspiring author.

Nicole and Bobby are excited to be throwing their first party together, how appropriate the theme is “first responders”, ugh.  Nicole invited a man to force on Dina, even though Dina has told her she is not ready to date.  Nicole thinks love can blossom anywhere, hell she met Bobby at Dunkin’ Donuts, which makes me wonder what the hell went on at that DD based on Nicole’s love of a good donut.  But alas, Dina’s energy is all wonky, Mars is in retrograde with the seventh circle of hell.

Dina is having trouble selecting an outfit for the party and tells us she is not so good at “ho-ing it up”.  Speaking of hoes…the Gorgas and Goo-boo-chays share a limo en route to the party and Tre can’t figure out Melissa’s costume, “what is a SQUAT team?”  Well Tre, it’s a team that goes #2 competitively, they line up the commodes and squat.  First one to clog the plumbing, wins!  Oy…on to the next thing…the group starts strategizing on how they can collectively attack Jim.  Juicy mumbles something about not giving a shit who he is or what he does, he could work with farm animals for all he cares.  Oooohhh, good burn Juicy, burn…

At the Amber Alert zone, Jim wanted to dress up as himself and be a lawyer, but he settles for wormy cop so that Amber Alert can be a police woman in a pleather cat suit who sets her makeup gun to “third-shift ho”.

Back at the party, Nicole has positioned herself to receive an apology from Nicole, but my magic hate ball says “all signs point to snowball’s chance in HELL”.  Nicole’s friend, Matt, arrives and he is being prepped on meeting Dina.  She is not ready to date, I tell you!  How many times does she need to repeat this?  Dina shows up to the party in her “I don’t give a shit” scrubs, but she actually looks cute.  The script Something tells me that Matt will eat it up.  When Matt does ask Dina for a date, she rejects him and proceeds to review the details of her negative relationship history.  Way.  To.  Go.  Matt persists and Dina finally concedes as she is obligated to under her contract with Bravo.

Dina Scrubs

The party is in full swing down in the rumpus room.  Kathy and Rosie show up, Rosie is dressed in all black and calls herself a sniper.  Kathy is dressed as Steve Urkel for some reason, but she came bearing her cannoli so she is an immediate hit with the Non-Dynamic Duo.

Now the part we have all been waiting for, the storm is a-brewin’.  Amber and Jim arrive at the party and they are all smiles.  Ter-ess-uh gives Amber Alert the cold shoulder and leads her over to Nicole who is on that shit like a hobo on a Lysol infused rag.  Melissa jumps in and asks how this negative stuff got started and Nicole immediately throws her under the bus for starting the drama by repeating Amber’s incendiary comments.

Fight3

Amber Alert summons Melissa and Nicole to get their asses upstairs and she snaps at Nicole.  Nicole takes offense, gets in her face and grabs a handful of Amber Alert weave.  And thank goodness, we haven’t had a good ol’ fashioned hair pullin’ in a few seasons now!

Amber Alert

Amber gets away and then Ter-ess-uh grabs her hair, finally Rosie shoulders her way in and breaks it up.  As Amber Alert backs away from the drama, Ter-ess-uh throws cocktail in her face.  They continue to fight and there is more hair pulling and finally Matt and Jim break it up.  Amber Alert erupts like a river of ferocious magma, she flips what hair she has left, and yells “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I hope you’re happy, Melissa!”

Amber Alert tells the camera that she never said that Nicole wrecked a home, but cut to the video tape…and yup, she said it.  As Amber Alert and Jim leave, they find Bobby in the kitchen and Jim lays the pile of Amber’s hair on the counter to dramatize what just went down in Bobby’s rumpus room.  Have we taught you nothing, Jim???  Amber Alert is going to need that tuft o’ weave for part 41 of the reunion show, EVIDENCE!

Amber in Kitchen

Rino comes upstairs and gets in Jim’s face, chiding him for not wanting to hang out with the men.  Now it’s out of the bag that Bobby told the guys why Jim didn’t want to come out for guys nite.  I think the Bravo intern needs to remind Amber Alert and Jim that they are on camera and their shit talking is being broadcast on national television.  Nothing is sacred after you signed that Bravo contract in blood.

Joes fighting

Ok so, Joe is also spewing at Jim and Jim leans in to tell Joe that he works for the prosecutor that is prosecuting Juicy.  But yet, it’s okay to be cast on the same show with Juicy…whatevs.  Jim is an idiot, he looks like the guy who poses on the package of irregular underwear.  Next week, the men take it outside and Jim may actually need a real first responder.