Seeing White

This holiday season, my red Solo cup runneth over.  Yes, the big moment has arrived – the return of Kim Zolciak, a.k.a. Wigs-n-Cigs!  And let me say, dear readers, she does not disappoint!  Let’s get into it, so we can get straight to the stuff that dreams are made of!

Jack Daniels is making a Chateau house call, he and SBS sit down for a quick sesh, SBS still hasn’t had her discussion with her children and the Coalition for Domestic Violence has asked her to do some public speaking.  Jack Daniels warns she is putting the cart before the horse – speak to your children first before you go public as the face for domestic violence.  Jack seems to give her a pass on the past-due assignment and gives her an easy assignment for spring break, he senses that SBS needs some “me time”, damnit!  Go to a hotel, sip some Jack Daniels, and order up some fried chicken and mac-n-cheeze!

Kandi is making her exit from the drama this week and she heads out to NYC to shoot a cover for Essence Magazine.  Don Juan shows up to assist Kandi with packing since Carmon is no longer running point on this project.  He’s completely befuddled as he stares into her empty Hello Kitty suitcase, oh and by the way… they have no hotel reserved in NYC.  Kandi suggests they check out Trump Towner since nobody is staying there anymore.  Yea Kandi, only you and the Russian Mafia.

When Kandi arrives at Essence, we get to see her without makeup.  Let’s just say high def TV is not her friend.  The village people get her fixed right up and she kills it.  The editor drops in on the shoot and informs Kandi this will be the “confidence” issue.  I am “confident” that Kandi will be exiting this show soon.  I think the debacle of last season has taken its toll.

Kandi Essence

Lauren finally returns to Porsha Palace, but since Jack Daniels isn’t available, they settle for their cousin Tiffany to mediate their latest sister drama.  Porsha smooths is over and they chalk it up to single mother stress, until the next meltdown.  There is no Jack Daniels life coaching going on here, Porsha Palace Enterprises relies solely on Hennessey to do the heavy lifting.  Later, the two get down to bidness and contemplate which wig styles will pay for their children’s college educations.

Nene and Gregg are shuffling around their McMansion after his return home from the hospital.  Gregg has no blockage, just a pesky, irregular heartbeat he inherited from his father.  Nene is actually seen here without makeup, lookin’ like an average person you see fondling produce down at the Publix.  Gregg jokes that maybe his health issues are due to Nene wearing him out, yea that’s just the tip of this iceberg.  Rather than tend to Gregg’s health, Nene decides to sit down with some friends, Mynique and Brandon – not to be confused with Kenya’s gay accessory Brandon.  They are helping Nene plan an oddly specific themed party, “All White Never Forget Girls and Gays Event, HUNNI!”  The longer the name of the party theme, the bigger the cluster f*ck of epic proportion.  Brandon isn’t entirely down with the “never forget” theme, but it’s the perfect segue to discuss slow, dingy Porsha who can’t remember she has been to Nene’s house before.  Porsha isn’t on the guest list, but rather the Nene DGAF list.

Kenya and SBS meet up for a spin class.  The most valuable thing we learn here, dear reader, is not that they have cleared up their messiness, but that SBS wears a size 10 shoe.  After the workout, the sit down for a smoothie and Kenya asks SBS to assist her with a PSA for domestic violence.  SBS will check her schedule and list of conflicts of interest and have her people get back to Kenya’s people.  During the sitting, SBS receives a text from Nene inviting her to the “All White Never Forget” theme party.

When Cynthia isn’t tied up at the Bailey Skewl for Wayward Models, she is busy with her new flame, Will.  She meets him for some mid-day ice cream where they have chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry.  What in the love of all that is good and decent?!?!?  Someone get these two to 31 Flavors… STAT!  Will informs Cynthia that his Google alerts on himself are blowing up.  How on earth did he end up mentioned in all of these trashy blogs?!?!  DERP FACE… I dunno, you showed your dumb ass on a Bravo Real Housewives show, what did you expect Will I Am, Regretting What I’ve Gotten Myself Into!  Cynthia gives him the “duck and cover” crash course of being in the d-list public eye.  Important to note here – Cynthia also has minimal makeup on and she is the only one on this cast who can pull it off.  She always looks totally amazing.  Will doesn’t seem too disturbed that he is about to board the Real Housewives roller coaster descent into the deepest level of hell and he’s ready to visit Lake Bailey inside and out!  Cynthia promises he can come over for dinner, sometime… soon.

Cynthia - Will

It’s the day of Nene’s party with the ever-lengthening theme, “Girls and Gays Never Forget All White Party Seafood Soirée” rolls up on the banner at the bottom of the screen.  Oh Bravo intern, how you mess with our minds!  The shirtless men from Shamea’s bridal shower are filing in and a very special guest arrives in her bath robe and slippers.  It’s none other than Marlo “check my charges” Hampton!  She and Nene ran into each other a few weeks ago and argued in a parking lot for 30-minutes over a handicapped parking spot, but hey girrrl, hey, they worked it out and Nene invited her to the “All white, how could you forget, this event is going to be a tumbledown shit show, shucked seafood soirée!”

Meanwhile, across town, SBS drops by to pick up Wigs-n-Cigs and prep for the “All white, how could you forget, trot out your favorite gay friend as if he/she were an out-dated hair scrunchi, and c’mon down to the parade of unstable slut-tards event!”.  They fill their Solo Cups full o’ boxed wine and get down to the de-briefing.  Nene doesn’t know Wigs is coming, but SBS is bringing Wigs as her gay party guest, since Wigs plays for both teams.  This party theme has officially gone off the rails.  Wigs warns SBS that Nene may slam the door in their faces because Wigs busted Nene out parking her Bentley in a handicapped spot at TJ Maxx.

It is here in this scene, SBS is laying foundation for the Bravo mandated cast trip from the depths of hellfire, with her newfound freedom she thinks the girls should take a trip.  Wigs is totally down, but wants to know more about the “dumb beyotch” she met at Chateau Shereé (this means you, Kenya).  Wigs heard she married a man-fan and she’s tryna start a family with 46 year-old eggs!  Wigs-n-Cigs has her fightin’ spanx on tonight!

Cynthia and Derek J. arrive at the party, grab some chicken wings, and sit down for some real talk – Derek J. isn’t a fan of Nene’s party theme, he finds it a bit offensive.  PREACH!  But nevertheless, he will participate, because umm… chicken drummies and mini-tacos.  Marlo walks over and thank goodness for thick, meaty thighs because her dress was slit so high, you could almost see her hoo-ha.

Nene spots Wigs across the pool and Kenya is already calling for SECURITY!  Nene invites the girls to navigate the turf in their 6” stilettos and hobble inside to cool off and simultaneously heat things up.  Wigs calls Nene out for parking in the handicapped space and Nene claims she was with her imaginary friend who happens to be handicapped.  Marlo asks Kenya when she will meet the new husband and Wigs decides to poke the bear “it ain’t gonna f*ckin’ happen bitch, because he don’t exist!”  Wigs keeps muttering “it ain’t gonna happen, he doesn’t f*ckin’ exist” under her breath, on a loop.  She is out for blood and Kenya can’t hold back any longer.  Kenya takes a jab about Wigs having a “hard on” for her, “didn’t they cut that thing off during your reassignment surgery?”  Annnnd…. it’s on like Ping Pong!  Kenya plays her Ace and slams Wigs for pimping out her daughter for John Legend tickets.  In case you missed it:

Kim twitter

Both ladies jump to their heels – LETMETELLYOUSOMETHINGBITCH!  And if you aren’t chortling your head off right now, you must be heavily sedated.  Both ladies need to be restrained, and then we are met with the dreaded phrase that sends me into a deep chasm of despair… “to be continued”!

Kim fight

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Talk-n-Shout

Welcome back to the set decorated entirely from the clearance bin at Pier One!  A lot of talk during round two, and no action.  Let’s round up the low lights:

  1. Charitable Donations

Kenya takes Nene to task for not writing a check for charity and calls her “rotten to your core.”  Nene claims that if she is going to make a charitable donation, she doesn’t feel the need to announce it, and she’ll do it when she is dayum ready…mmmmkay!  She neglects to add that her “Celebrity Apprentice” check went toward her new Petco teeth.

  1. Cynthia 2.0

Cynthia 2.0. has found a new clique, a clique that kicks Phaedra while she is down.  Cynthia claims that when she presented the rumor about Phaedra’s affair with Mr. Chocolate, she was presenting her the opportunity to “shut it down and keep it movin’.”  Phaedra is clearly pissed and there’s a lotta talking over each other.  Cynthia winds the round by telling Ms. Parks to “win a case”.  Cynthia has clearly forgotten Phaedra’s biggest win this season… Some Rando vs. Hairburglar, Derek J.  These ladies are gonna cause me to catch a case.

  1. Friends for Never

The Ace Boon Coons, Kandi and Phaedra, are still on the outs…the waaaaay outs.  We flash back to the clip where Phaedra actually got emotional over having a shortage of friends who give a crap about her and she learned that when her chips were down, it was Nene who was there to support her.  Kandi’s voice starts rattling and she explains that there were other things going on in her life besides the cancellation of her horrible musical, “A Mother’s Love”.  She too, had a fambly member going to prison, a crumbling marriage, and apparently she dropped her iPhone in the toilet and changed her number and never informed her BFFL.  Phaedra gives one of her patented “at the end of the day” speeches, but Kandi appears to be done with her.

Kandi-Upset

  1. Friend Swapping

No it’s not yet another new reality show, but the wives seemed to switch friends more often than they change their wig glue.  Cynthia has moved out of Nene’s ass and into Kenya’s genetically modified one.  Nene got tight with Phaedra and has “evolved from the Nene of yesteryear.”  Phaedra notes that she and Nene became close because of where they are both currently “seated in life”.  Yea, seated at the reunion from hell.

  1. Lupeter and the other Househusbands

No, Lupeter is not the latest winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race, but it’s a new nickname for our very own Papa Smurf, Peter Thomas.  Peter is still peach-less, but he ain’t speech-less.  He isn’t afraid to say whatever the F*CK he wants to say, even if it means getting into the women’s bidness and looking like a punk.  Speaking of looking like a punk, poor li’l Todd looks like he needs a booster seat, you can barely see him over the back of the couch.  Anyway, Lupeter reiterates… “I don’t give a F*CK!” and Cynthia shoots him the death glare and threatens to wash his mouth out with the dirty sink water from Bar One.  I guess Lupeter missed social poise day at the Bailey Agency for wayward models, where Cynthia sells “pipe dreams to little girls”.

  1. Sex, Lies, and Color Copies of Fabricated Texteses

Phaedra denies ever compromising her marriage for an unknown Mr. Chocolate and claims that she still loves Apollo.  She thinks Apollo doctored the texteses, but Todd pipes up and says “he came by with color copies.”  Phaedra addresses lunging at Kenya with her pocketbook over Brazilian meats and notes that she was at a breaking point.  Mainly due to the meat sweats, but earlier that day, Apollo had refused to turn himself in, Bunn ran up on her perfectly manicured lawn with his crotch rocket, and Apollo had run toward her with a drill.  And let’s not forget the bucket o’ hinges!  Kenya doesn’t buy the “breaking point” excuse for bad behavior, after all, a blind man could see that Phaedra had time to get to the Mexican spa for a boob job, despite spinning power drills and flying hinges.

Lupiter

  1. Everybody Flirts

After Phaedra continued to call Kenya a whore, Kenya starts yelling “Everybody flirts!” and then draws Nene in by saying she flirted with Lupeter.  Nene rears her Petco choppers back, Gregg secures her earrings, and Nene gives Kenya a very loud “HOLD UP!” accompanied by a waving acrylic fingernail of death.  Nene will not be disrespected, she is NOT PHAEDRA, as she throws her new BFFL under the prison bus carrying Apollo.  Gregg says he doesn’t care if Nene was flirting because “I won”, to which Kenya retorts “I’m glad you think you have a prize.”

Nene-Flirt

Next week part three where Nene breaks down talking about her mom.

Cabbage and Beef

This week it’s all about squashing the beef with added filler.  Let’s start with Kandi and Mama Joyce who get together with the Ol’ Lady Gang (OLG) over some fried chicken-n-biscuits to celebrate the closing on Mama’s new home that Kandi paid for.  Mama refuses to give Kandi a key because, well…Mama is bitter, she has to “ring four bells” before she can gain entry to Kandi’s McMansion.  Mama is so short sighted, Kandi should have a key in the event Mama has fallen and can’t get up.  Oh and that pesky li’l detail…SHE PAID FOR THE HOME.  The OLG offers a counter point, Todd might choose to be “walkin’ ‘round nekkid” in his own marital home, and therefore Mama cannot have a key.  Besides, who in the hell would be walkin’ ‘round nekkid in Mama’s home???  Kandi murmurs while sputtering some chicken skin out of her mouth, “you know Bennie gonna be right there.”  Yeah, playing “Whack-a-Mole” in the new bathrooms?  Aunt Bertha, voice of reason, pleads – “Let’s eat before you all start discussing ‘bout the keys, and the men’s, and the walking nekkid!”  Amen… Aunt Bertha is my new spirit animal.  Kandi decides to reveal a “key” piece of information to the OLG…Todd’s mother, Sharon, wants an apology or she will be serving up a knuckle sandwich with a side of red beans-n-rice.  Aunt Bertha says “bring it, she better come correct!”  Mama Joyce adds this li’l nugget, “she better not come like no cabbage!”  Aunt Bertha clarifies the statement, it means “Don’t come with all head and no ASS!”

Later, Kandi summons Todd into her office and has him take a seat in the hot pink pleather chair of torture.  First off, she is not happy with the floundering ticket sales for “A Mother’s Love”, which is on tour in 26 cities.  Then we get to the real meat of this meeting, Mama Joyce has no intention of apologizing to Sharon, EVA.  Todd gives the routine Bravo househusband “at the end of the day” speech and concludes that they will do holidays separately if the two Mama’s are gonna be “showin’ out.”  Kandi doesn’t like his solution, she gives him a “Girl, BYE”, and walks away to avoid a potentially marriage-crushing issue the argument.

Meanwhile, across town, Nene stops at a restaurant to throw shade and meet “a girl with a lotta weave in her hair”, which is how she is describing her latest lap dog, Porsha.  These two have a meeting of the mind (singular) to rehash the Nene/Cynthia battle.  Nene is still sporting her straw, bowl-cut, hair system, which tells me her judgment is seriously impaired.  At the end of the day… Nene will arrange a kiki for the girls to get together for a good ol’ fashioned meow down and wig burning.

Cynthia drags Claudia to the “J Spot” so that Derek can perform a makeover because she feels Claudia needs to put forth more of an effort.  Claudia takes the “constructive criticism” in stride as Derek pretends to curl her hair, they gossip about Demetria’s epic fail of a party, and Derek J reveals that he bolted after five minutes of the party to go find a chicken wang.  The name Roger Bobb pops up again in this scene at least five times and of course none of these chuckleheads are aware that he was in a relationship.  Saved by the bell, Cynthia receives an ominous text from Nene “bring your girl, Kenya, for drinks and girl talk”.

Kenya and her friend Brandon meet with a realtor to look at some office space because since her fake meeting with Roger Bobb, she is going to need a fake space for herself and her two fake assistants.  They find a space big enough for Brandon to install his bunk beds and disco balls.  Cynthia calls Kenya in the midst of the real estate tour to invite Kenya to the pow wow with Nene.  Kenya knows a set up when she smells it and will be good and lotioned up for this event!

Claudia gets together with her mother (Teresa) and her grandmother (Lillian).  They have just arrived in the ATL and Lillian is ready to roll a smoke.  Claudia takes them out for a little ATL culture at “Lips”, a drag queen restaurant.  They discuss Claudia’s private life, having a baby without a husband, and how Teresa never said “I love you” to Claudia.  This Mama takes a page from Phaedra’s book of “love is a verb” and says “actions speak louder than words”.  They receive their fruity drinks from the drag queen and toast to Claudia finding a baby daddy, Lillian says “be careful because I heard these Atlanta men are slick!”  Lillian is my new spirit animal.

Claudia-Mamas

Not much on Phaedra this week, she briefed her mother, Pastor Regina, on the awfulness that is Apollo Nida and concludes that he should have married a hillbilly if he can’t handle the fact that Phaedra is a bad-ass BOSS.  Later, to reinforce that Apollo is MIA and Phaedra is holding down the fort with her seven nannies, Phaedra assists her boys in brushing their teeth and reading bedtime stories.  Ayden calls his brother to bed for story time, hearing him say “Mr. President, come here, we need you!” is EVERYTHANG!

Phaedra-Boys

Nene selects the very apropos “Arena Tavern” for the fight card this evening.  Nene informs her lackey, Porsha, that Kenya will be attending and they must have a conversation and apologize to each other.  Porsha looks like someone just threw up in her Chanel bag.  Cynthia and Kenya arrive and Nene orders a round of drinks so they can all get a little “punch drunk” first.  We start with the undercard, Nene vs. Cynthia – DING DING DING…Nene is still reeling from their prior discussion, Kenya keeps butting in trying to guide an apology that will never happen, Porsha and Kenya leave the ring.  WHOA…Cynthia offers an apology for blindsiding Nene and asks for an apology back, but no cigar.  Nene needs time to process all of this and suggests they have a re-match in two years.

We have another undercard tonight, Cynthia vs. Porsha – they bicker about Porsha being late.  Nene doesn’t give a shit, she wants to hear the sound of vodka being poured over the rocks.  Kenya and Nene return, looking like they did a shot or five at the bar.  Kenya starts yelling to Cynthia and interrupting, and Porsha calls her “rude as a motherf*cker!”  This one is a draw.

Porsha-Rude

On to the main event, Kenya vs. Porsha – the crowd chants to Porsha “APOLOGIZE… APOLOGIZE”, but no go.  All she does is acknowledge that she made a “choice”, just like one makes a “choice” to buy grasshopper cookies at the grocery store when they already have a case of thin mints at home in the freezer.  Kenya walks over, she gets Porsha against the ropes, we expect a TKO, but instead offers an unprecedented firm hug to the breadbasket!  She offers to take responsibility for her part of what happened.  Porsha doesn’t hear Kenya say “my part” and accepts the hug under the pretense that Kenya is taking responsibility for the entire brawl, scepter and all.  As if Porsha pulled no weave at all, and this is her “get out of jail free card”.  She takes NO responsibility whatsoever, proving that she is immature as a mother f*cker!

The owner of the tavern bops over because he sees Nene and Kenya are lit and wearing super short shorts.  He asks if the ladies are going to dance on the bar and Kenya, who is clearly lit up like a Christmas tree, kicks her lotioned leg in the air, “no ash tonight, Giirrrrll!”

NoAsh

Next week, Cynthia and Peter move on up to another dump, Nene gives Claudia the cold shoulder, and more Roger Bobb dating debacle.

Stale Quackers 

Kenya visits her BFF, Claudia, who has just moved into a sexy corner apartment with a great view of the ATL.  Claudia’s furniture has not arrived yet and Kenya is forced to sit on an IKEA grade rug and drink Cardboardeaux out of reality show required red solo cups.  Claudia knows Kenya has swilled some Mad Dog 20/20, kiwi flavor, out of a brown paper bag, so what’s up with the act!  Claudia has a cat and Kenya freaks because she is completely canine.  They make a few obligatory “pussy” jokes before Claudia makes Kenya help her assemble furniture.  They discuss the “liar and a whore” accusations that have been hurled at Kenya for the past two years and Claudia offers us this gem, “you’re not a liar and you’re not a whore.  You’re a little cray cray, occasionally ashy, but not a whore.”  Twirl on ‘dat!  Claudia decides that two beauty queens cannot put together “this raggedy ass furniture” so they go out into the hall to find a handy single man.  So far, I do like Claudia and she brings some good one liners to the table.

Claudia CatLater, Claudia and Kenya continue to bond over the shapes of their assess.  While at the gym, Claudia pulls a “coochie muscle” on the inner thigh machine and they call it a work out.  They sit down to stretch because that’s when all good heart-to-heart moments happen.  Claudia discusses the racism she faced growing up and her mom is due in ATL for a visit, but their relationship is quite strained.  She and her mother don’t exchange “I love yous” and Claudia is actually very close with her grandmother on her paternal side.  Of course all roads lead back to Kenya and now that Claudia has shared this, she feels they have bonded for life, given her own maternal misfortune.

Workout Buddies

Kandi and Todd visit the wreckage that is Kandi’s old house where Mama Joyce was squatting.  Apparently Mama Joyce’s boyfriend was going to do renovations, but then she decided not to move in since the house wasn’t in her name.  The house is tore up from the floor up and Kandi is pissed.  She assesses there is at least $10K or more of damage and it’s a month out from being in rental shape.  Todd takes a moment to ask Kandi when she will draw the line with the holy terror that is Mama Joyce.  All this time, Todd was the “no good boyfriend”, as if Mama Joyce had herself a real keeper?  Kandi won’t throw Mama from the train just yet, but Todd has a valid point.  Kandi never presents Mama with any negative consequences and now she has a house that looks like it’s been trashed by unsavory raving teenagers.  Meanwhile, Mama comfortably lands her ass in the nice new house that Kandi paid for.

Kandi-Trashed House

Across town, Cynthia, her mother, and good for nuthin’ troublemaker sister are hanging out and cooking dinner.  Cynthia uses her family time to vent about the Nene mess, the mean tweets, and defaming interviews where Nene is bad mouthing her.  Cynthia admits that she let Nene’s bad behavior go on way too long.  Look out everybody, Cynthia is gearing up for a beat-down.

In other bitching while eating news, Phaedra and Kandi get together for some guacamole and Kandi tells Phaedra about the discussion with Kenya and the “lying about lying-gate” but Phaedra doesn’t give a shit.  She maintains that Kenya dug her own hole by exhibiting inappropriate, whore-like behavior.  Kandi has a genius idea, let’s get all the girls together for dinner and do the patented Bravo dance move, the “deny, deny, deny, half-ass apologize, move forward”.  Phaedra says she will attend the shit show, but expects it will be another night at the “circus with the monkeys.”

Nene and Gregg are teaching their son, Brentt, how to drive.  Why do all the men in Nene’s life have two consonants at the end of their names?  Gregg dresses for combat while Nene discusses the upcoming “squash the beef dinner”.  Allow Ms. Leakes to be clear, she has no intention to apologize to anyone, anywhere, at any time.

The group dinner from hell is being held at a place called “Einstein’s”.  I guess it’s a restaurant for people with “brainy” ideas, such as getting a group of women who want to rip out each other’s intestines and use them as their own personal jump ropes.  Phaedra and Kandi are first to arrive and they conduct a quick “Jesus take the wheel, save us from the whores” prayer.  Cynthia arrives, “serving sexy” because she has to look damn good when she punches Nene in the throat with an open fist.  Kenya shows up next with her boobs popping out of her dress, playing into her Moore-Whore persona.  Porsha and her bangs are invited to this dinner, but for someone who is not a peach-holding cast member, she sure is getting a lot of air time.  Nene walks in wearing all the attitude the ATL had in stock.  Kandi kicks off the peace summit and hands the talking stick to Kenya.  She addresses the Apollo-text-gate lying about lying-gate.  Nene absolves herself immediately from any wrong doing, but Phaedra proudly owns up to her statements, “I’ll say loud and clear I called you a whore and I called you a slut because if it look like a duck, quack like a duck, it’s yella, and it swim in a pool, IT’S A DUCK!”  Kenya says she forgives Phaedra and Kandi notes that Apollo has cleared Kenya’s name and they shouldn’t be breathing life into this fiasco.  Nene, that f*cking shit stirrer, asks Kandi if she supports Apollo or Phaedra.  Kandi remains calm, despite Nene trying to bait her, then Phaedra pipes up and offers to clear the slate, but do not be mistaken…it is not even a resemblance of a half-assed apology.  They all agree to move forward and it’s about time.  This story line is about as stale as the broke down saltines the waiter is serving.  Round two is next with Nene vs. Cynthia… Nene’s opening move is to plead ignorance of any falling out, but Cynthia points out that they both know what it is that caused the rift.  Cynthia addresses the ill-fated charity event where Nene behaved like an asshole and then started in on Peter, and eventually called him a bitch at a subsequent social gathering from hell.  Cynthia can’t even get a word in and Nene gives her a “Girl, BYE!”  Cynthia must have overlooked the “every argument shall be one-sided” addendum to the friend contract.  Nene is sweating like a farm animal and she raises white napkins to her face.

Nene Napkins

This may be her version of a white flag, she has officially given up on the friendship.  Somewhere in the ATL, Cynthia’s lawyer is drafting an iron-clad friend contract 2.0 so she can get Kenya locked down.  Next week Cynthia and Nene get some one on one time to cry off their false eyelashes, but I don’t expect a reconciliation.  And in a much more interesting story line, Derek J. is accused of being a “hair burglar” and he seeks the counsel of Ms. Phaedra Parks.

Reunited and it Feels Like Loose Weave

Wow.  Just.  Wow.  If this is what part one looks like, I can’t wait for parts two and three…on with the show, this is it!  Reunion shows are often a bit disjointed, and that’s putting it mildly.  It’s like watching five rabid meerkats fighting it out in a motorcycle death cage.  So let’s break it down to our top five moments:

  1. Props for the Props

We all know Kenya is full blown, full throttle, pedal to the metal cray cray, but throw in her props and she ascends to the Defcon 5 level of bat shit.  She waves around her bejeweled scepter from the Deranged Disney Collection, she knights OHAC with it as if she were a Queen, and then she prods it in Porsha’s direction, just enough to send the already mentally unstable infant of the family off the rails.  More on that later…

Scepter

  1. The Roundup of Ills and General Malaise

Phaedra claims Apollo is only being held on a “complaint” regarding fraud, not indictment.  She has no involvement and in response to representing him in court, “hell to the naw!”

Nene suffers from pulmonary embolism, so now she is on medication and has to wear ugly compression socks when she travels.  Apparently, the compression socks cause her to have permanent stank face, or maybe it’s her Martha Washington powdered wig?

StankFace

The ladies all twerked at some point during the season, Cynthia has the saddest twerk that needs work.  The only reason this is worth mentioning is that it is during this discussion that it becomes painfully evident that Nene and Cynthia are not on good terms.

  1. Tardy for the Party

Nene suffered her trials with everyone being “Tardy for the Party” and on CP time.  Kandi and her Chic-Fil-A pit stop is revisited, which leads to the talk about calling each other fatties.

Kenya discusses why certain ladies were not invited to Velvet’s memorial and everyone reached out to Keyna except for Nene.  Nene looks like she would rather be deloused in women’s prison than be at this reunion taping.

  1. So Nasty, So Rude

OHAC asks about the African Prince, or as Phaedra calls him, “Casper the Friendly Boyfriend”.  Porsha claims that Kenya offered to pay someone $15K to pose as her rent-a-man on the show.  Kenya waves the scepter at Porsha again, and Porsha snatches it and flings it across the room.  Kenya whips out a megaphone so she can talk over Porsha.  Porsha threatens to shove the scepter up Kenya’s fake diaper booty ass and Kenya challenges Porsha to spell scepter.  Porsha proves she doesn’t know what the hell she is talking about and banters back with “Your breaf smell like a sceptic tank, bey-otch!”

Allegedly, Nene met Kenya’s mysterious African prince, but not really.  Nene said she was walking out of a hotel at 10 p.m. at night and some man with a thick accent approached her and said something unintelligible to her.  Nene went on her merry way and Kenya called her to ask why she was so nasty and so rude to her boyfriend.  Nene repeats “So Nasty, So Rude”, three times.

  1. Calm Yer Teets

At the top of the hour, Porsha introduced her new boobs, she claims she ate her yams and got twins.  Oy, a collective OY!  She invited OHAC to “smell them, they’re new”.  Uhh…EW!

EW

Later, OHAC backs Kenya into a bit of a corner about Walter-gate.  Kenya claims Karma has done its job with the ladies who did not support her last season.  Phaedra felt she was supportive toward Kenya with her “rental boyfriend”, but Kenya scoffs, the subject of Walter is as “dead as the hair on his head.”  Porsha decides to pipe up, she is fed up with Kenya playing victim.  Kenya insults her intelligence again and whips out the megaphone.  Porsha goes low “your vagina is so rotten, no one will claim you!”  Kenya shouts through the megaphone, Porsha cheated on Kordell and “you’re a dumb ho!”  Porsha loses her shiz.

 

BullHorn

Porsha dives after the megaphone, and in the process, rips off Cynthia’s dress exposing her real teet.  Porsha and Kenya are on their feet and OHAC tries to pry them apart, but he is still a li’l gun-shy after being whipped around like a rag doll by Teresa Goo-boo-chay on RHNJ.

Get Fired

Quick as lighting, Porsha has a handful of Kenya’s weave and she drags Kenya up in this beyotch!  Production crew tackles Porsha to the ground and Kenya storms off, looking fairly unscathed, with Lawrence in tow.  I guess it is her real hair.  Nene and Phaedra try to calm Porsha down, she is hysterical, kicking her feet, crying that she can’t believe she embarrassed herself this way.  Nene covers Porsha’s mouth so she doesn’t say anything stupid and Nene calls out “someone get her some house shoes!”

Calm Teet

Production carries her off, because she is apparently so exhausted, winded, and bereft over her uncouth display of violence and the Bravo Intern hasn’t arrived with the house shoes yet.  Kandi runs back stage and Phaedra comments “she went Decatur on her real fast!”  Phaedra and Kandi disband to have their makeup touched up and talk about Kandi’s bachelorette party which will have weird strippers (Re-DICK-ulous), and ain’t nobody got time for this here craziness!

OHAC apologizes to Kenya in her dressing room, he feels terrible that it went there.  He goes across the way to see Porsha, she feels so much happened so fast and she was not ready for cameras in her face.  Then the blow horn and saying shit about Kordell sent her over the edge.  Porsha blacked out in a fit of rage and doesn’t remember much.  She is embarrassed, but felt pushed.  OHAC sends her home for the day and asks that Porsha apologize to Kenya at some point, which we know will never happen.

Next week, the reunion carries on, we get into the Mama Joyce drama and we find out why Cynthia and Nene are on the outs.

Bowled Over

Nene is sulking around in her best Mrs. Roper Mumu over the unfortunate events of the night before at the charity event.  NayNay, Nene’s evil twin came out to play and she went full on hood rat.  Although Nene feels justified in her actions, she is still salty about being “met with a damn monster at the top of the hill”, a.k.a Peter and his bitchassiness.  Gregg is in full-blown support mode, saying “mmmm hmmm, mmmm hmmm” as he sips coffee made with toilet water from “metaphor for life” toilet bowl mug.

Gregg-Mug

Meanwhile, across town, Cynthia and Malorie discus the debacle, had Cynthia known that Nene was going to give us “silence of the lambs”, she and her wig would have left little Nene alone.  Cynthia doesn’t want her ol’ hubby getting’ crunk with the girls, he may break a hip.  We flash back to three years ago when Peter got shitty with Nene over the phone, and after the face off in the driveway, Cynthia doesn’t know if she will hear from Nene again.  Cynthia’s mind is ablaze with indecision, on one hand, she is planning a surprise birthday party for Peter, who she isn’t speaking to, and an event for the Bailey Agency for Wayward Models called the “Bailey Bowl”, where all the ladies will converge to compete in a field day.  What to do?  Time to whip out your “Bravo Mandated Event Emergency Planning Guide”, turn to the chapter titled “So, you think you need to abort this mission?”

Kenya and Marlo meet at a local bar and these two have become tighter than Marlo’s Target capri pants.  Kenya shares that she had a horrific case of camel toe and had to change her clothes into some that don’t match.  Wardrobe malfunctions aside, they get down to the gossip and Kenya delivers a re-enactment of the motherf*ckin’ walk off that took place at the charity ball.  She imitates Nene, doing her model walk with a twisted Zoolander face.  Marlo “check my charges” Hampton seems to think she can smooth over the mess with Nene since they were besties two seasons ago.

Faces of Nene

Cynthia and her assistant, Satchel, are prepping for Peter’s big surprise Jamaican birthday party.  Peter calls Cynthia and says he cannot make it to the event in question because he is tired and her authentic Jamaican steel drum band arrives in the form of two ol’ white men in Tommy Bahama shirts.  Peter acquiesces to show up at 7 p.m., but runs into Kandi in the parking lot and pretends to be surprised.

Kandi, Cynthia, and Porsha discuss the ass kissin’ charity ball of hell and Cynthia recounts the Nene/Peter face off.  Kenya and Marlo arrive and Kenya is dressed like slutty C3PO.  Gregg and Nene arrive fashionably late and Nene claims NayNay is waiting in the car, but you bet your sweet ass NayNay is waiting in the ladies room ready to deliver an atomic wedgie and a swirlie to any housewife who steps out of line!  Nene and Peter decide to put their beef aside for the moment and air kiss it out.  Kenya asks Nene for a moment alone and Nene skewls Kenya on how to properly “honor” someone at a fake charity party.

Nene stops by Porsha’s house, sporting her barbie pony and scrubs, and she is going to assist Porsha with her part in Kandi’s play.  They talk about digging deep and Nene encourages Porsha to relive her divorce and pull from those emotions.  Acting coaching is officially over and Nene vents to Porsha about her disdain for Kenya.  Porsha couldn’t help but notice the tension and also noted that Marlo and Kenya have gotten really chummy.  Nene calls Marlo an OPPORTUNIST!  [Drink!]  Porsha is shocked that Nene is calling her that since Marlo just stood up as flower girl in Nene’s fake re-wedding.

Kenya and Miss Lawrence have a little kiki and Kenya is planning a trip to Mexico for all of the couples to try and band-aid the issues.  In what world do women travel to foreign countries together in order to force friendships that shouldn’t exist, anywhere, ever?  Kenya recruits Lawrence to come as her plus one and her bodyguard.  This ought to be interesting…

We are treated to a small interstitial of the Parks family with Ayden saying grace before dinner, which is too cute for words.  I usually blast by these one minute interludes due to my itchy fast forward TiVo trigger finger, but this one is truly important.  Ayden explains, “No, we don’t hold hands!  At school when we say graces we don’t hold hands!”  Hey, I don’t blame the kid, I wouldn’t want to hold Apollo’s hand either since he likely spent his afternoon at the tater tot buffet at the strip club.  Ayden is adorable and smart!

It’s the big day of the train wreck “Bailey Bowl”, the ladies arrive in their spandex, sucked in like stuffed sausage.  We have various team names, which are self-identifying, Team Twirl, Team Rich, Team Late Kandi, Team Cynthia (real creative), Team Real, and Team Naked.

Sidebar:  “Naked Hair” is the name of Porsha’s wig line, hence “Team Naked”.

Let the games begin.  The adult field day starts with an egg balancing relay race and Nene is already calling bullshit on the refs.  The teams move outside for more games and Marlo is starting shit with Nene.  More relay races and mass chaos.  Marlo tries to jump on Nene from behind and NayNay ain’t havin’ it.  Nene’s heretofore contained box-o’-crazy has just been blown open.  Marlo corners Lexus and vents about Nene, but Lexus’ eyes are darting around searching for the nearest open bar.  Kenya butts in and drags Marlo over to Nene.  Nene is in her natural state, pissed, and the F-bombs fly and so does Nene’s water bottle in a classic “She by Shereé” move.  Nene looks like she’d rather be having a back alley colonoscopy that be at this Bailey Bowl debacle.  Marlo keeps squawking about how she is hot shit and takes credit for changing Nene’s style?  Gregg escorts Nene away and Marlo is snapping at her ankles like an annoying scurvy dog.  Nene rips her mic off and as she gets into her Land Rover, she mutters something about “Donald Trump gonna make sure this shit happens!”  Yea, because the Trumpster has nothing else going on but washed up Barely Celebrity Apprentice contestant, Nene.  After the dust settles on the playground, Marlo breaks down into tears in Kenya’s arms and the “Bailey Bowl” became the “Bailey Bust” after two events.

Nene-Don't try me

Next week, the talking thumb, Kordell, makes an appearance.  The Mexico trip heats up the tension to a rolling boil.  Kenya asks Porsha about being a beard and looks like Gregg and Uncle Ben go toe to toe.

Not a Team Player

We start out with Kenya and Lawrence lunching and she is eating light because she is so broke, she can’t even afford a story line.  She yammers on about being Beyoncé and using a silk pillowcase to keep her weave tight.  She gives Lawrence the DL on the Savannah trip, with the focus being on Mynique and the Chuck Smith dirt.  We learn that Lawrence has not f*cked Chuck, at least not that one.  Kenya concludes that Phaedra was a “jump off” for Chuck since he didn’t put a ring on it.  Yeah well, Apollo did, and we flash back to the classic whirring breast pump “f*ck you get out of my room” moment when Phaedra shut Kenya down like a tilt-a-whirl with missing parts.  Lawrence points out that Phaedra digs up shit on others so that her own shit stays buried, which after all is what lawyers do!  Kenya cries out “Preach…preach…can I get an AMEN?!?!?!”  Yeah, that’s all you gettin’ this week.  NEXT…

Chuck has summoned Nene and Phaedra to meet for lunch and Phaedra is fashionably late because it took her 45 minutes and a catapult to get into her tight pants.  Someone get this woman a copy of the “leggings are not pants” memo!  Nene and Phaedra suspect that Mynique gave her hubby the scoop and that is why he wants to talk with them, but no, he asks them to come and speak to the Boys and Girls Club of Athens, GA.  Nene and Phaedra are relieved and the order up some appetizers and do a shot of “Sex on the Beach” to celebrate.  Chuck has lured them in with liquor and fried food…more on that later…

Cynthia’s sister, Malorie, is back on the scene to cause some hot holy hell.  No better time than when meandering around a bead store to drop an epic bomb on your sissy deedle…Mal will be staying in ATL for a while…in Peter and Cynthia’s house…for TWO MONTHS!  I’ll give you a moment to let that one sink in.  Cynthia admits that she hasn’t fully let go of the grudges from the past, Malorie offers an apology to start over and put it behind them.  Well played Mal, well played.  No sooner is Mal plotting where she will unfurl her Hello Kitty sleeping bag when Cynthia spills ALL the tea about Peter’s lofty expectations in the bedroom.  Malorie advises her to give it up no matter how tired she is.  Hell, Mal puts out two, three times a day, which leaves Cynthia’s vagina aghast.  I wonder what poor Malorie’s hubby is going to do for TWO MONTHS?!?!?!  I hope she got a Bedroom Kandi swag bag three seasons ago.  Malorie thinks the money woes between Peter and Cynthia are hindering their physical closeness.  No money, mo’ problems, no lovin’.

Porsha and her mother take the two small dogs to a pet shop to buy some absolutely ridiculous, bat shit crazy crap for the dogs.  Porsha takes the opportunity to tell her mom she is movin’ out of that hell hole and into a mini-mans with a bigger closet.  After all, she is 32…this from the woman who has her mama laying down the blue AMEX card for rhinestone collars, a “Chewy Vuitton” pillow, church dresses, and a baby stroller.  FOR THE DOGS.

Mama Joyce is back wit’ da’ cray cray and she is at the “J Spot” where Derek J. is styling her Joyce DeWitt wig.  Kandi pops by to pay the bill and discusses the plot of her musical in progress, which is basically a mama interfering with her fiercely successful daughter’s life.  Sensing the tension, Derek exits stage left to “take a phone call real quick”, even though no phone is ringing at the “J Spot”.  Mama Joyce tells Kandi she feels like she has a dagger in her heart and she has done too much for Kandi for too long.  Huh?  What effin’ planet is Mama livin’ on?  She plays the health card and tells Kandi that her doctor advises that she must let all of this go for her own personal health and “what little time she has left”.  Mama won’t expound on whether or not she has actual health problems.  Derek returns and tells the ladies that “this place ain’t that big”, meaning he can’t sashay around in his high heels anymore, pretending to give them privacy.

Porsha and her assister, Lauren arrive at an 8,000 square foot house, which his located in Nene’s neighborhood and is where Porsha will house all of her sparkly velour track suits.  Porsha’s brother and mother arrive and are shocked at the enormity of it.  Her mother is so enthralled with the size of the granite kitchen countertop, she decides to log roll on it, lookin’ like a big ol’ bag of mashed potatoes. 

Mama-Counter

Porsha’s brother questions the financial soundness of her decision to rent this large home, but Porsha has a plan.  This is a “believe in Porsha move”.  If she ends up out on her ass, it’s because of her poor decision making and not some talking head ex-husband.  Huh?  I believe in Porsha, I believe Porsha is an idiot.  I get it, she wants to go big or go home, but guuuuurl puh-leaze.  She tells the family that she talked to Kordell and he apparently gave her some bullshit about how he didn’t want the divorce and her ultimatum was to come home or fend for herself.  Her sister and mother pipe up at the same time saying the same thing, “that is the same exact Kordell that we don’t want”.  No, we don’t want that, but we do want to watch Porsha get evicted from the mini-mans in about 6 – 8 months.

Cynthia and Malorie have wandered away from the beadery and on to the tour of the new Bailey Agency.  Cynthia points out her pictures on the wall, her private office where she is plotting Peter’s slow death, oh and there’s Peter’s new car that he bought and didn’t tell her about.  Malorie puts that juicy li’l nugget in her back pocket and you can see the old ill will creeping back like a mystical, patchy fog.  Cynthia springs it on Peter that Mal is staying with them for a couple of months, claiming she had no clue, annnnnnd it’s awkward at best.  Mal plays the new car card and Peter tells her to mind her own bidness and Cynthia actually tells her to “shut up”.  At least Cynthia found a backbone, but Peter walks away in disgust calling them both “crazy as hell”, this convo ain’t over.

Nene, Phaedra, and Chuck drive to Athens, a one Dairy Queen town, to speak at the Boys and Girls Club.  They stop at said Dairy Queen to reminisce and gnash out a blizzard or two.  Phaedra remembers hanging out in the parking lot and all Chuck remembers was Phaedra’s “high ass” and Nene’s “skinny, long, legs.”  Does this guy know how to give a compliment, or what?

But it ain’t all rainbows and Orange Julius, once Nene and Phaedra give their very brief pep talk at the Boys and Girls Club, the two unsuspecting housewives have to ride back to the ATL with Chuck, legend in his own mind.  Now that he has both of the ladies trapped in the car, he brings up the post Savannah fall out.  He attacks Phaedra for giving Mynique the impression that they were boyfriend/girlfriend in the past.  Phaedra explains that she said they “dated” and that she was trying to be respectful of their marriage and not say much, which was the truth.  Chuck seriously has his panties in a wad over this, but Phaedra coolly chalks up his poor memory to all of the concussions he sustained.  In a masterstroke of douchebaggery, Chuck bulldozes Phaedra and claims she was fighting to make a name for herself and latched on to him because he was in his prime, they were the first version of “friends with benefits”.  Nene swoops down on this like a hobo on a Lysol infused rag, “so you had sex then”, to which Chuck says “aww hell yeah we did!”

Phaedra is clearly annoyed, but she maintains that they went on several dates and Chuck demands examples.  She says she went to many of his football games and he replies that he had “six girls stashed in the corners, you was just part of the team.  You and Kandi.”  Wow.  Just.  Wow.  He says she didn’t understand the lifestyle of a young millionaire at that time, and she was just part of a team.  Phaedra says she didn’t “sign up for no team” and she doesn’t appreciate him implying that she and Kandi are skanks, but Chuck keeps barking at her.  Trying to deflect the prickly situation (pun intended), Nene pipes in and says that Kandi was the one who went into more detail about her Chuckapades.  Chuck says that Kandi was dating multiple men and he lied to her to make her feel special because he liked Mama Joyce’s cookin’.  He took advantage of a “young girl who was hungry in the game”, but he was the “big homey.”  Phaedra reminds him that it was 20 years ago and “nobody wants your shriveled up ol’ junk” “I’m not trippin’ on you”.  Nene is visibly rattled and wants out of the car.  The only thing that could have made this scene better is if Phaedra whipped out her breast pump and gave it to Chuck because he sure is milkin’ it.  Nobody gives a f*ck, Chuck.

Homey-2

Across town, Peter the ticking time bomb, is looking for an escape route of his own.  Cynthia blasts him and tells him that she has to work, she can’t be the housewife, be there for him, pay for the bed that he wants to have sex in, be a mother, etc.  She bought into the “Peter Thomas Dream” and he better whip some puppies and bacon out of his ass!  Peter’s weak ass solution is to get his own bungalow across town so he can escape from her.  Maybe Peter should hang with Chuck at the “Big Homey’s and Egomaniacal Bankrupt Losers Club”.  The discussion escalates, because that is obviously a solution only a total ass hole would suggest, but I give big props to Cynthia for finally flipping the bitch switch to full throttle, pedal to the metal.  It’s about dayyum time!  Peter is furious that Cynthia shoots his idiotic man cave idea down, he starts yelling, swearing, and walks away.  And that is how you have a constructive marital discussion, people.

Next time, Phaedra dishes to Kandi regarding Chuck, the “big homey” and hits him where it hurts, “I don’t like bite size brownies and I don’t like cocktail sausages.”  Kenya’s dad is on the scene and Nene pisses off Porsha.