Unnecessary Trouble

Assuming the viewers have a holiday hangover, Bravo aired a real snooze-fest of an episode, except to set up some future drama and establish that Don Juan is thirsty for his own peach, wears pink panties, and tampons.  More on that later…

Kenya is experimenting with online dating.  She posts a 1982 photo of herself on Tinder and decides to hit the gym in some hideous red leggings with brass button booty pockets.  As if she needs to draw attention to that ass, which doesn’t even register on the Kardashian size scale.  Marlo “Check my Charges” joins her for the workout and prompts Kenya to accept a date from a fine, albeit much younger, piece of meat.  The prospective date doesn’t quite meet Kenya’s lengthy list of qualifications for a mate, but he’ll do.  Kenya, need we remind you that you are 45 years old?  You are not entitled to lengthy requirements such as “looks like Matthew McConaughey, half-horse/half-man.”  Kenya dresses somewhat appropriately to attend the basketball date, but it ruffles her weave and she decides she won’t be accepting a second date.  Umm…I’m not sure he even asked!

Cynthia receives some “just because I love you” yellow friendship roses from Papa Smurf, an indication he is really upping his game.  He drove all night from Charlotte just to take her on a romantic lunch date in the park.  He hired a local artist to sketch them as they ate cold jalapeno poppers and wings with coagulated ranch dip out of a to-go container from Sprorts One.  The artist reveals his sketch at the end of the lunch and they both look like possessed evil demons hatched from a boil on Satan’s ass.

In Phaedra land, Apollo’s friend Bun stops by for a visit and he comes bearing gifts for the boys.  Phaedra sends the boys on their way to “go play” so that she and Bun can reflect on Apollo’s power drill, bucket-o-hinges, crazy garage freak out.  If I heard them correctly, we learn that Bun was a former cellmate of Apollo’s during his first incarceration.  Later, Phaedra drives Ayden to his first day of Kindergarten.  The kid is too cute for words, he is wearing a bow tie and saying “check please”, as if he is a high-society southern gentleman trying to impress his date at the finest McDonald’s in the ATL.  During the car ride to school, Ayden admits he is a bit scared and he is going to miss his mom because he wants her to go everywhere with him.  That will wear off li’l man…give it time.  He tells her he will always be her baby…SWOON!

Ayden - Baby

Porsha continues to delude herself into thinking that Oliver in Miami wants anything other than a slice of her ham hock booty.  They set up a Skype sesh, but all Oliver cares about is seeing down the front of her “house dress”, which is a backless black number with a plunging neckline.  She asks Oliver if he’s ready for a relationship, there is a long pause, some crickets chirping, buffalo grunting, and then Oliver’s audio conveniently breaks up.

Kandi has produced a song with a leftover from last season, Demetria McKinney.  The two ladies meet with Demetria’s beau, Roger Bobb and he is ready to shoot a music video.  The ever-supportive Don Juan voices concerns about Kandi performing in the video due to her weight and age, but then quickly plays the “high-risk pregnancy” card before Kandi thunder punches him in the throat.

While being prepped for the video shoot, Kandi can’t even sit through hair and makeup without an order of chicken fingers.  Todd arrives on his hover board to offer support, but we all truly know he just wanted to play with his hover board.  The wardrobe team drapes Kandi in a purple mumu to hide her baby bump and she wears thigh boots worn by Rainbow Brite’s understudy.  Once they get her on stage and fire up the wind machine, the mumu barely covers her cervix.

Kandi - Video

What better excuse for a party than the “Unnecessary Trouble” music video launch!  Kandi is hoping the party goes well and Todd is hoping Phaedra shows up with a check!

Kim Fields, getting significantly less air play this week, shows up to the launch party in leather hot pants and hooker boots.  Kenya throws some shade, “she looked like a confused prostitute at Disney World.”  I’m happy to see Kimmy get a li’l wild and branch out from her Mrs. Roper wardrobe collection.

Kandi gives an intro before the video premiere and she discusses pitfalls of mixing friendship and bidness, but Demetria showed up with a check, so they all good.  Phaedra interprets this to be a thinly veiled message directed at her and decides to grab Porsha’s drink and slam it down.  The crowd goes wild over the lackluster video, but that’s what the extras are paid to do.  While Phaedra exits stage left, she congratulates Kandi and asks Todd to stop by her office sometime.  Outside, Phaedra vents to Porsha and Shamea, and Porsha becomes more riled up about it than she did when Cynthia delivered a kick to her cooter.  Don Juan pretends to hear them gossiping about his “people” and he sidles up and gets in Porsha’s face.  Phaedra excuses herself and notes that Don Juan needs to have several seats.  As the ladies trail off into the parking lot, Porsha says about Don Juan “go home and change your tampon.”

Porsha - yell at don

Next week – Todd and Phaedra finally hash out the money issue.  Kenya faces her father.  Kandi and Porsha face off.

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Making Up is Whored to Do

The gang is heading for Manila, but Kenya won’t leave before a final swim in the pool to prove her hair is real and to flaunt her plumbers crack.  Her bikini bottoms are busting and cannot contain her stallion booty.  Kinda ironic since Kenya had an early appearance on the RHATL where she was ripping an aspiring model to shreds at the Bailey Agency for wayward models for showing too much “coochie crack”.  Anyhoo…in other news…Kandi’s choice of travel wear is questionable, a camouflage onesie that does anything but camouflage.  Porsha selects an electric blue and pink printed, flouncy dress, but her downfall is that she is suffering from a low flow shower head.

Arrive-Manila

Once in Manila, they are given the presidential suite, complete with a 24 hour butler named Dante.  They head out on a day trip to a volcano and they have a motherfuckin’ twerk off in the party bus between our two non-cast mates, Porsha and Demetria.  Porsha is wearing some short shorts that are so short that Kandi points out that Porsha’s bikini hair is hanging out (umm…EWW!)  Amidst all this good, clean fun, Phaedra busts out that she wants to “go to the little people Hobbit house, I’m so attracted to little people!”  Listening to Phaedra is a little like being lost in a corn maze.

Twerk-off

We will only mention Nene briefly here, she is in NYC at her costume fitting with Gregg on his leash, trailing behind her.  The costume designer sucks her in the first dress like stuffed sausage and he asks her to “twirl” and Nene takes offense to that word, she prefers spin.  I’m sure there are a few people on the Cinderella production team who would like to tell her to sit-n-spin.  Gregg is all atwitter over the larger than life bustle on the costume and he slides over and starts smackin’ dat’ ass, while the costume designer is aghast, clutching his neckerchief.  We are treated to a flashback of Nene stripping (umm…EWW) and her formative years on the RHATL, missing teeth teef and tragic weave.  She breaks down in some happy tears at how far she has come.

Nene-Costume

Back in the Philippines, the gang heads out on the donkey rides up the volcano mountain and they get caught in the rain.  Some natives pop out of the trees to sell them rain ponchos to protect their fragile weaves.  When they arrive at the top, they admire the view of the lake and Porsha poses for her “Princess of Thotland” photo, looking like a “Burning Man” themed glamour shot gone horribly awry.

Princess THOT

Ancient tradition states that if they all hit a golf ball into the lake, it will bring them good luck and correct their tragic fashion sense.  After they arrive safely back at the bottom of the mountain, Phaedra has learned that one of the tour guides has lost her husband and is struggling to support her five children.  Phaedra relates to this seeing as how her husband is in jail and she has to raise two boys while working five jobs.  Because that is soooo the same thing as death of a spouse.  She slips the woman a couple of sawbucks and asks the translator to tell her it’s a gift from her heart and to not be afraid to find an African Prince sugar daddy love again.

Later, the gals hit an open food market and decide to taste some Durian fruit.  When the fruit is cut open, Claw-dia notes it smells like ass and she spits it out.  Phaedra sums it up best, it smells like “old dirty drawers and old onions”.  Uggh…welcome to my hamper.  Porsha said something about putting fruit in the microwave and having a good night…I take that to mean she has taken the “American Pie” thing to the next level.  They check out some local fish and crabs, Kenya has a twirl-off with a local tranny, and Porsha is wandering around looking for Louis Vuitton.

Clawdia-Crab

Later at the hotel, Phaedra calls Apostle Thad for some advice prior to having her sit down with Kenya.  The rest of the gals decide to have a pajama party in the common area of the suite.  Cynthia shows up acting sick, but ever the consummate model, she is dressed in a maxi-dress and a fedora.  Porsha is dressed for a booty call and Claw-dia and Kandi look like they are going to fall asleep on a yoga mat somewhere.  Claw-dia summons Dante so they can order some room service and they request neck massages from him.  Claw-dia is a bit inappropriate with the young lad as he rubs her neck, “harder, deeper!”  Dante chuckles and clearly has not studied the sexual harassment poster in the break room.

PJ Party

Phaedra and Kenya sit down and Kenya states that she will let Phaedra have the floor and she will just listen.  Phaedra prefaces her comments by stating she is not feeling well, she is hot and tired, like the inner thighs of an overworked stripper.  Phaedra reflects back on the fact that they were once working on a friendship and Phaedra was hurt when all the “crazy stuff” started happening and she wants to… guess what… MOVE FORWARD!  We see a li’l medley of all the times Phaedra called Kenya a whore… “Moore whore”, “sneaky slut”, etc.  Phaedra wants to believe Kenya is telling the truth when she says nothing happened and Apollo lied his ass off, but “at the end of the day”, Phaedra had to roll with her husband for fear of flying hinges and being chased with a power drill.  Phaedra acknowledges that she can’t change the past, but gives Kenya a clean slate and promises to stay out of the rear view mirror.  Kenya wants to believe her, has heard it all before, and Phaedra continued to call her “every whore in the world”.  Phaedra says “I haven’t called you a whore this year, not even once.  I called you Satan, but I didn’t call you a whore.”  Fair enough…Phaedra invites Kenya to church on Sunday, but Kenya can’t go so they ask Jesus for an after-hours emergency call.  It’s all rainbows and panda bears now, but we all know this will last about as long as a box of white zinfandel in Kenya’s mini fridge.

Phaedra-Crying

Kenya and Phaedra join the PJ party and they ladies cheer over their peace treaty and ask for details, but Phaedra tells them it’s none of their bidness.  Until next episode when she will likely spill the twisted tea.

The next day, the ladies have a final hangover lunch before heading home and they reflect on the wonderful trip how everyone got along.  Claw-dia asks if anyone has spoken to Nene and Porsha admits that she has and thinks that Nene would have “fallen in line” and gotten along if she had been on the trip.  They all bust out laughing at that thought and end the episode with a group photo.

Group Photo

Next time, Kenya films her pilot and Kandi and Todd continue to skid down the rocks, likely in preparation for their spin off show.  Nene returns to the group for a charity event and gives everyone the cold shoulder tunic from the Nene Leakes Collection.

Next Course Please

The fact that the big teaser all week was Claw-dia banging on a water glass with a butter knife should have been my first warning that this episode was going to suck balls.  And not just your garden variety, everyday balls, but big, hairy, sweat sock smellin’ BALLZ!

We waste the first 15 minutes with the gang jetting off to the Philippines, there is tension, and Claw-dia is wearing a giant hat from the Steven Tyler collection.  Phaedra is the bearer of great news, Nene can’t be there due to a “blood clotting issue” and she couldn’t obtain medical clearance.  Kandi must have had some inside info about the resort being vegan because she has smuggled some Panda Express onto the plane.  They are headed to a “detox resort”, translation… no meat, no booze, no fun.  They do get to make a pit stop at a McDonald’s in the Philippines for a McCatmeat on a sesame seed bun, and Kenya and Claw-dia flirt with a local dolt whose only hope is a fun toy in his happy meal.

Airport Arrivals

Meanwhile, Nene is in New York for a meeting with creative director on Cinderella.  Not much worth mentioning here other than the fact that he chews her up and spits her out like rancid McCatmeat after she asks if she can inject her own language and accent into her lines.  She wants to throw in her patented catch phrases… “chile”, “bye wig”, etc.  The director advises her to “use sparingly” like Vaseline.  We are kinda done and over Nene at this point in the episode, which hopefully tells us this season may be her last.

Claw-dia announces that Phaedra will get the largest room at the resort in an ass-kissin’ move to compensate for her recent Apollo strife.  It’s 6 a.m. in Manila and Kandi is ready to put on her night bonnet, the rest of the gang heads off to their respective quarters, but not some shade flingin’ first.  Kenya, Cynthia, Claw-dia, and Demetria (she’s still here?), declare that things are going well because the cancer that is Nene Leakes is missing from the group.  Kenya wishes Nene a “blood clotless week” and looks forward to having some fun.

Pheadra and Porsha discuss the spa treatments and have definite interest in the “Colema”, which is a caffeine enema.  Porsha is confused, will said enema give her a “true cleanout”?  Phaedra clarifies, “it’s gonna give you a BOOST…y’know cuz anything you put in your butt is going to take real fast.”  As if that was not line of the night, Phaedra later tells us in her one on one to the camera, “I don’t drink coffee but I’m sure my butt wouldn’t mind a sip.”

Later at 3 p.m., Phaedra and Claw-dia meet for a salad summit and Claw-dia shares a story about an annulment she went through in attempt to get Phaedra to open up, but the Southern Belle is shut down like an illegal day care center.  She claims she is “a private person…”, which is the perfect trait for a reality show cast member.

Phaedra and Kandi have some spa time alone to have their scalps and feet rubbed and to decide that their friendship is fine and they will “move forward…”  Later the gang has a yoga sesh where Kandi starts sawing logs like an Ax Man and astonishes the group by her lack of flexibility.

Kandi-Yoga

As they dress for dinner, Claw-dia reveals another bodily flaw of hers, which is “weak holes” … i.e., her earrings are too heavy for her lobes.  Claw-dia tells Demetria and Cynthia about her salad-side chat with Phaedra and that Phaedra actually cried.  At the dinner not quite from hell, assigned seating will be had by all so that we can “mix it up”, as if the impending drama was not already planned.  Claw-dia admits that the Bravo intern she snuck liquor and chicken into the resort, because they realized the no meat, no booze thing was backfiring faster than going commando while suffering from explosive traveler’s diarrhea.

Porsha is wearing her favorite color, short and tight, and the rest of the gang looks like something from “Three’s Company goes to Hawaii”.  Cynthia and Porsha are getting along and Cynthia comments “Porsha is a lotta fun when she’s off her leash!”  Something tells me that comment will come up at the 97 part reunion.

Claw-dia gives the opening toast, let’s move forward, blah…blah…blah!  Cynthia apologizes to Phaedra, who remains silent.  Porsha giggles and Claw-dia reprimands her with a “WTF” and notes that Porsha is having “Puerto Rico PTSD”.  Kenya mutters “she’s lookin’ for a moment like she always does”, which sends Porsha into orbit.  Then Claw-dia cracks the glass in an attempt to get the group to shut their chicken holes and allow Cynthia and Phaedra to finish their conversation.  Phaedra cooly sips her soup while throwing some serious side eye, “next course please.”  Kenya gets on the Phaedra is an asshole party train and explains that she has tried to reach out to her as well, but it goes ignored.  We flash back to that priceless moment during the Savannah trip, when Kenya attempted to clear the air with Phaedra, but only to be ignored while Ms. Parks pumped her breasts.  Because nothing says “f*ck you, get out of my face” like the rhythmic whirr of a breast pump.

Kenya decides that a private convo with Phaedra needs to happen and Phaedra acquiesces.  The ladies all cheer and break out into hysterics, laughing at each other’s asses.  Porsha does her milkshake walk, which Claw-dia compares to “a stanky leg with a loose knee.”  They all laugh and appear to be having a great time!  Imagine that!  Next week, the trip continues, Nene prepares to take the big stage and appears to have a meltdown, and Phaedra and Kenya finally make peace.

Salute to Ignorance

I don’t like filler, I don’t like it in my Brazilian meats, I don’t like it in my new pocketbooks, and I certainly don’t like it in my housewives.  Alas, that is what we have this week… a whole lotta nuttin’ goin’ on!

Cynthia tells us about Peter’s greatness and his upcoming “Salute to Excellence” awards dinner.  Many people don’t know that Peter Thomas is the co-creator of “Source Entertainment”, which spawned the prestigious “Source Awards”.  Well, my “sources” tell me that this can’t be much of a deal, ‘cuz Papa Smurf be broke all da’ time!

Meanwhile across town, Phaedra and Porsha meet up to rehash the swingin’ pocket book over Brazilian meats event and Porsha calls Kenya a dawg for getting involved, but “a dawg gonna do what a dawg do!”  Phaedra is now pissed at Cynthia and thinks her change in attitude is due to becoming “Ace Boon Coons” with Kenya.  Interesting sidebar:  They bleeped out “Ace Boon Coon”.  There’s not much happening here, Porsha coughs and says she has Ebola, to which Phaedra responds “Girrrl, not the Ebola!”, if only…

Kandi and Todd visit Dr. Sherri to get some counseling so they may “adjust” to being married.  Todd looks like he would rather have a back alley colonoscopy performed by David Duke than be in this therapy sesh.  After the usual hemming and hawing between these two boring dolts, Todd brings up his agitation over the prenup.  Long story short, the money/work thing is causing tension and it’s showing up in the bedroom (or lack thereof).  Kandi is still suspicious of Todd’s doings in L.A. and she says “Whatever is said in the dark, always comes to the light.”  Dr. Sherri gives them some homework, which consists of a date night and there will be no phones or social media allowed.  She also advises them to create a pro and con list about each other, which has great potential to backfire.

Kandi-Todd-Counseling

It’s the night of Peter’s big “Salute to Excellence” event, which is fairly un-eventful.  Claudia shows up with her boobs poppin’ out, Kenya looks like a giant banana peel, Demetria has a bumble bee thing goin’ on, and Kandi looks like she smuggled a bushel o’ peaches, or two, under the back of her dress.  Cynthia is the only one with any sense of style, too bad her social skills don’t match her shoes.  Peter is standing around, acting like a douche in general, saying “Cynthia’s ass has exploded since she moved to Atlanta.”  Just for that, I think she should take him out for some Brazilian meats and swing away with her handbag.  Kenya brings up the confrontation with the crazy “bag lady” and Peter immediately excuses himself to find Todd and make a mad-dash to the bar for a refill.

Awards-Ladies

Peter asks Todd if Apollo told him about Phaedra’s alleged affair.  Todd confirms he knew about the texteses as if it were yesterday’s news (and he gets line of the night) “yeah, he came to the house with color copies”.  Color copies, as if the printing job from Apollo’s li’l ink jet that could, added to the veracity of the texteses.  Then to add fuel to the fire, Todd explains that Kandi also saw said color copies!  Insert dramatic “dunt dunt dunt!” music here…

Dun dun dun

Meanwhile, Kandi staves off the wild bobcats and tells them she ain’t gonna pick sides and … what affair?  Cynthia, of all housewives, tells Kandi she should be calling Phaedra out for wrongdoing even though “she’s your girl”.  Saved by the dinner bell, they sit down for the banquet and Kandi whispers to Todd that she has been “kicked out of the circle”.  To take her mind off the evil conspiracy, she is called up to the stage to receive a “Salute to Excellence” bullshit award.  She gives a speech revering Peter and Kenya sarcastically tells us that Kandi should win an award for “the most loyal friend everrrr!”

We circle back around to Nene who is full on with her ramen noodle toupee.  She visits Dr. Jeff, the Psychologist who gave her and Gregg some prior family counseling.  Nene discusses the housewives with the good doctor and invites him into the circle of death.  Dr. Jeff salivates at the thought of the large paycheck a session with this group will surely yield.  He forewarns Nene that he isn’t going to co-sign on anyone’s bullshit and he is not afraid to put an ass on blast!  Little does he know that he may have met his match and he may not come out of this psychological threshing machine alive.

Nene-Dr.Jeff

Speaking of ass blasting… Cynthia summons Phaedra for a meet and mend so she can explain that she was just following the script.  Phaedra, being a Christian woman, has agreed to attend, but is sadly expecting an apology that will never come.  Cynthia attempts to lay out some ground rules about “having a conversation”, but she makes no sense as usual.  She defends her actions and then these two hyenas get into banter back and forth where they wield the phrase “fact check” like a sawed off shotgun.  Phaedra can’t take it anymore and declares “court adjourned”, buh bye, take several seats!

Phaedra-Seats

Kandi is milling around in her “Tags” boutique, she figures she should pay attention to her other bidnessess, now that her musical has officially failed.  Right on cue, in walks Mama Joyce to whip off her overnight Depends® and take a ginormous dump on Kandi’s day.  Mama has fixed up the old house, but now she wants to stay there and will not be moving in to that disposable new house that Kandi just bought.  Oh and by the way, you suck, you’re so critical, and you never come around.  Hmmm…Mama, it ain’t rocket science here.  She doesn’t come around because you are crazier than a Walmart wedgie wielding crack house rat and you are an endless pit of negativity!  Wait for it… Kandi’s voice starts shaking as she tries to address her mother, then Mama comes out with a lousy peace offering by way of the key and garage door remote to the house that Mama doesn’t want anymore.  How ya’ like me now?

The last 15 minutes are the most critical, the dinner table of death at Uncle Julio’s.  Odd items to note:  Kandi rolls up in a huge white Ford F-150, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I have never seen her in a pickup truck.  Porsha is channeling Carmen Miranda, wearing a banana yellow crop top and skirt, and Claw-dia and Demetria are present for who the hell knows why.  Everyone is in place, except for Phaedra and Kenya, who weren’t invited to this life-sucking waste of time.  Nene begins addressing the group and Cynthia has had a bit too much salt with her margarita.  She keeps interrupting and combating Nene and Kandi mutters “let’s not start” as she stuffs a quesadilla in her mouth.  At the end of the day… Cynthia is all in for the group therapy with Dr. Jeff, but Kandi doesn’t think she needs any part of it because she can simply eat her feelings.  Nene convinces Kandi that she is going to have some nasty splinters up her ass from riding that fence that will likely become infected.  Kandi rolls her eyes and caves in like the li’l wishy-washy mogul she is.

Kandi-Agrees

Next week, Nene sports a Bride of Frankenstein wig and an ill-fitting jumpsuit, Kandi confronts Phaedra about their rift, and then – in the most SHOCKING twist EVA – The therapy sesh with Dr. Jeff goes off the rails when Nene is called out and she storms out!

The Meat of the Matter

Apollo kicks off this week with his last public appearance before he “goes asunder”.  What is he trying to say here?  Maybe ass-under… at any rate, there will plenty of time for him to read the dictionary while he’s in the klink.  Oy vey, I think I speak for all RHATL fans…good riddance!

Phaedra has moved out of her hotel suite and returned to her Apollo-free home and plans to have an “exorcism” to cleanse the home of all evil demons, menacing power tools, and random buckets o’ hinges.  Sidebar:  In her one-on-one with the camera, she has a new look and it’s not a good one.  While she was swinging from the chandelier with her mystery man (more on that, later), it looks like she became entangled and decided to just work it as a statement necklace.

Phaedra-Necklace

Apostle Thaddeus Canada and his wife Chanda Canada have been summoned to cleanse Phaedra’s home.  When the ring the doorbell, Ayden says it must be “bumblebees or strangers”.  He is too cute for words.  They go about their cleansing bidness, but if Phaedra truly wants to cleanse the home, she could start by removing that ridiculous Phine Booty poster.

Phine Booty

Thaddeus sprinkles some holy water around each room and finishes up with a fix it Jesus.  The house is, at last, blessed.  Ayden follows them around and he be like “WTF you doin’ to my crib?!?!”

Cleansing House

Later, Kandi checks in on Phaedra and apparently, the two have fallen out of touch.  However, Phaedra notes that Nene has been extremely supportive and calling Phaedra on the daily, but not warning her about the dangers of wearing flimsy jumpers with pockets on the boobs.  Phaedra updates Kandi and states that she was about ready to light Apollo up “wit dat 357”, but she didn’t want to have to waste embalming fluid putting his ASS UNDER!

In Kandi Koated fantasy land, where clearly no HR Department exists, Kandi decided to have a “mock Kandi Koated Nights” with Carmon and Don Juan as the audience, rather than have a private, adult conversation with her husband.  She confronts Todd about their lack of spice in the bedroom and Don Juan makes some inaudible, odd comment as he leaves the room, something about a cocker spaniel??  At any rate, Kandi begins her hard-hitting journalistic interview and asks Todd if he has “been grinding”.  Not sure what that means…is he making fresh brewed coffee?  Has he been shredding a variety of hard cheeses?  Ugh… Todd explains that he hasn’t been interested because of Kandi’s “bonnet”?  I am not sure what that means either, is it a shower cap to protect her weave?  Is it like a role-playing costume?  I can’t get my brain around this discussion in any way.  AT THE END OF THE DAY…Todd agrees to go to marriage counseling.

Cynthia, Kenya, and Claw-dia meet up to taste some wine and spread some chocolate flavored gossip on a cracker.  Cynthia spills all the tea about text-gate 2.0 and sums it up by saying Apollo showed Peter some texts and Phaedra is allegedly in love with a mystery man, Mr. Chocolate.  We are given a retrospective clip show of Phaedra being a big Phat liar.  The lies may stay the same, but Cynthia’s hair is ever-changing.  Kenya is absolutely mortified, how dare Phaedra call her a whore, when all the while Phaedra was whoreing around her own self!  Summary:  the Whore-pocracy must cease!  But what we are all forgetting here is that Apollo is about as trustworthy as gas station sushi and he could be completely fabricating this whole story just like he did regarding text-gate 1.0.

Kenya-Shocked

For the confrontation dinner of death, the girls meet at Brazilian steakhouse, Forgo De Chao.  What better place to attempt to squash the beef, than a place that serves up an endless supply of meats.  After all the ladies arrive, they are getting their meat on, Nene brags about her life on Broadway and Phaedra comments that she is “just livin’” and she gives a jaunty, albeit suspect, grin.  Cynthia decides this is the perfect time to get to the meat of the matter, TEXT-GATE 2.0!  However, Cynthia is clearly not cut out for confrontation, “so we’re just going to put it out on the table… a lot was said… um about your situation… so if we’re not going to put it out on the table… um it is what it is.”  Cynthia’s attempt was so pathetic, that Kenya decides to put her dick out on the table and put Phaedra on full-blown blast.

Can someone get Kenya a plunger, ‘cuz this beyotch loves bringing up old shit.  She is still trying to vindicate herself from text-gate 1.0 and when she accuses Phaedra of having an affair, Phaedra actually jumps up and lunges at Kenya with her pocketbook.  What happened to the tazer gun, Phaedra Sparks?  I think this situation would have been a perfect time for a promotional product placement!

Phaedra-Lunging

Claw-dia starts waving her giant wooden cross earrings, FIX IT JESUS!  Phaedra pulls back her pocketbook of destruction (not to be confused with the Mama Joyce Wal-Mart wedgie of death), regains her composure, and walks out with Nene and Porsha at her heels.

Claudia-Earrings2

Kandi snarfs down a few more slices of meat before heading out to support camp Phaedra.  The rest of the gang trails out of the restaurant and it looks like there will be a patented Bravo Mexican standoff in the parking lot.  Kenya accuses Phaedra of calling her a whore to serve as a smoke screen for her own shit and Phaedra’s response is “Bye bye, take several seats.”  Nene goes after Cynthia for bringing it up in such a pathetic manner and Cynthia looks at her like “but that’s what the producers told me to do!”  Nene comments that Cynthia “Is messy as hell” and she should just keep to her day job “having pageants at Wal-Mart!”  Nene decides she is done with this mess and shuts the convo down like an illegal day care center.  Phaedra hops into Porsha’s Batmobile and they speed off into the night.

Next week Kandi and Todd visit Dr. Sherry for counseling… It seems Kandi knew about Phaedra’s chocolate side dish… and Phaedra and Cynthia face off.

Keepin’ it 100

It’s the tail end of the heated read-off and the insults continue to fly between NayNay and Claw-dia like ravenous tropical gnats.  What I find comical is that everyone is distracted by the revolting read-off, except Kandi.  She is grubbin’ down like the li’l food-savvy opportunist she is.  She is gonna pounce on them cheese fries while the gettin’ is good!  One of the best knock-backs here is when NayNay rips on Claw-dia’s Forever 21 spaghetti strap dress, and Claw-dia counterblasts by suggesting NayNay consume less spaghetti in her diet.  All NayNay can come up with is “Girl…BYE!” to which Claw-dia responds, “really, are you leaving?”  Annnnnnd it’s Claw-dia for the win.

Nene-Reading

Team Beauty retreats to a separate corner to regroup with their constituents and find another bar.  Claw-dia apologizes to Demetria, Kenya, and Cynthia for being so ratchet and she can’t believe she sunk to the depths of NayNay vileness.  But read that raggedy ass bitch, she did, and quite adeptly I may add!

Back at the table, NayNay continues to insult Claw-dia and her “folded under bob”, but that doesn’t compare to Nene’s “ramen noodles glued to her forehead.”  In addition, we still have to look at that janky ass wig that Nene has been sporting in her one-on-one interviews with the camera.  If Ms. Leakes is raking in all that coin as she asserts, it’s time to find a new wig gay.

When harsh light of day hits, Nene expresses a morsel of remorse over lunch with Phaedra and Porsha.  Maybe the root of the problem last night was a phenomenon known as “Hanger” – being extremely angry when hungry.  Dayum bitches need to eat some spare ribs.  Kandi informs us she has planned a Bedroom Kandi re-do party on the beach for later (not to be confused with RHNJ re-done home).  The beauties hit the town for some drinks with high concentrations of alcohol and they are still reveling over Claw-dia’s legendary read.

Later, Demetria pays a visit to Phaedra to clear the air with her prior to the do-over beach party.  Demetria apologizes for crossing a boundary and Phaedra states that the Apollo bashing was “day old” stuff, she compares Demetria to a pigeon scavenging for crumbs, and wants to let bygones be just that.  However, our resident southern belle will not offer an apology to save her wig or her Targét (pronounced Tar-zjayyyy) undies.  They do the Bravo mandated “agree to move forward and hug it out”, but Phaedra still manages to throw a jab by questioning Demetria’s choice of boy shorts as undergarments.

The gang heads to the beach re-do party and Porsha is dressed like a blind hooker walkin’ the third shift stroll.  Kandi starts out with a game like hot potato, but they have to pass a dildo to each other using only the fleshy part of their thighs.  There is no music, so Demetria has to sing and when she stops, whomever is holding said dildo between the fleshy part of her thighs is out.  As if this was not odd enough, Kandi also has a bottle of Bosco and a pyramid of Bubble Tape on her prop table.  Porsha is successful at the game, because according to Kenya, “she is holding on to the dildo like it had bought her a Rolls Royce”.

It’s the day of Demetria’s big performance and the Beasts are lounging on the beach, while the Beauties (and Claw-dia’s struggle toes) hang out at the hotel pool shouting “Arrivederci!” to the barely legal bartender.

After the day of separate relaxation, the gang boards the party bus to hell Demetria’s big night.  Nene starts out with a speech about all the shots that have been taken at one another, yet they cannot take each other’s acc-oo-lades away.  Heck, she is feeling sooo good that she is going to give everyone two tickets to see her on Broadway!  Claw-dia attempts to offer a similar statement about acc-oo-lades, but the two quickly lock horns.  Nene, still weak from being read within an inch of her life, actually apologizes to Claw-dia.  Cynthia nudges Claw-dia to just accept the apology and run because it’s more than anyone else has ever gotten from Nene.  Claw-dia then removes her earrings and goes after Porsha for accepting a car from her married African boyfriend and Kenya jumps on this like it’s an oversized genetically modified chicken wang.  Porsha says to Claw-dia “you’re a contradictory!”, and Claw-dia laughs at Porsha for fumbling a two-syllable word.  Somehow all the fighting has caused the party bus driver to have a seizure and the gang arrives at Club Caribe about 20 minutes late.  Demetria is half way through with her ballad, her misguided ice dancer mullet dress is fading fast, and LAWD would someone please get her some blotting papers, STAT!?!?!?

Demetria-Sing

Demetria finishes the ballad and strikes up her bound to be hit song “Keepin’ it 100” and Da’ Bratt makes a 10 second cameo appearance.  Phaedra admits that Demetria “can blow” (actually sing) and the gang gathers after the show to congratulate Demetria and take a group photo, as if they actually exist in harmony.  Next week, Kandi and Todd have some fertility tests, Cynthia finally burns her friend contract with Nene, Phaedra prepares to bid Apollo adieu, and Claw-dia says “Well, Hello” to Kordell Stewart.

Crazy Eights

This week, Claudia’s “struggle toes” reveal themselves and well…they ain’t cute.  Her handsome podiatrist diagnoses her with an advanced case o’ da’ corns and a bunion, which will require surgery and a surgical boot for two weeks.  Since the gals are headed out on an all-expenses paid trip to Puerto Rico (Courtesy of Demetria via Roger Bobb’s mythical wallet), Claw-dia (get it?) decides to forgo the surgery and will bury her falcon toes in the Puerto Rican sand.

Claudia-Feet

Kandi meets Demetria for lunch so she can apologize for the Goche-bomb dropped at the dildo party (because that’s something that never happens at a gathering of this group).

Dropped Bomb

Demetria is very cool about it because she is more interested in kissin’ some Kandi ass.  She proclaims her love and respect for Kandi, calling her a “Mogul” and then suggests they collaborate on something.  Kandi quickly refers to recent case law “Burruss vs. Wigs-n-Cigs”, which prohibits Kandi from working on any project with anyone in the ATL housewives ring of stolen profits.  They continue on to discuss Kandi’s sex toy line… only in the ATL does a lunch conversation over fish tacos wrap up with a consolation prize of remote controlled vibrating panties and the phrase “hold it under his balls.”

Meanwhile, Cynthia is hard at work at the Bailey Agency for Wayward Models when her new BFF, Kenya, shows up to discuss assistance with hiring an assistant.  Kenya needs an assistant because shit-pot-stirring is a full time job!  This whole meeting of the mind (yes, that is singular) is merely a front so these two can firm up their anti-Nene alliance and trash talk her privately (on national television), prior to reporting for duty at the dinner table of death in Puerto Rico.

Nene and Phaedra drop by a studio to confirm that Demetria can actually sing.  They sit down for a pow-wow and the subject quickly turns to Roger Bobb, who by the way, will not be in Puerto Rico.  If we hadn’t seen Roger Bobb taking a fake meeting with Kenya a few episodes ago, I would think he didn’t exist.  Demetria reassures the gals that she confronted Roger Bobb about the gauche Gocha incident, but he pulled a Ross Gellar from “Friends”.  He clarified that his indiscretion with the Smurf-haired Gocha was during a time when “they were on a break”.  Nene and Phaedra roll their eyes in unison and Nene offers Demetria some sage advice “the dog chases the cat!”  Phaedra, with dogged determination, begins drilling Demetria about her career.  She sounds like Simon Cowell… “Who are you?”  “Who is Demetria as an artist?”  “What genre is ‘me’?”  “Aren’t pop stars younger?  You should be doin’ gospel by now!”  They continue to discuss the eight long years that Demetria and RB (Roger Bobb) have been on-again off-again and Phaedra “the hammer” Parks continues to pound… “Eight years, what are you waitin’ for, a liver transplant?”  Demetria defends her relationship, RB knows that she is “itchin’ for something more” to which our deft Phaedra replies “well just as long as it’s not bacterial vaginosis, CHILE…”  They wrap up their review of Demetria’s IMDB page and Phaedra learns that Demetria played a crack head in “House of Payne” and asks if Demetria has ever done crack, because everybody knows that they put gerbils up their butt in Hollywood, so doing a li’l crack is nothing.

Nene-Phaedra-Visiting Demetria

The Hot Mess Express delivers the girls to Puerto Rico in teams, first we have Team Beauties consisting of Cynthia, Kenya, Claudia, and rookie Demetria.  Team Beasts is Phaedra, Porsha, and Nene (or shall we say NayNay, because her unhinged, hood-rat, alter ego is the one actually on this trip), and rounding out the trifecta is Team Neutral:  Kandi, party of one!

As the ladies are arriving and grumbling about the smallness of their boutique hotel rooms, we are treated to a variety of scenes, but the most important is Demetria’s “divide and conquer” strategy when it comes to Phaedra.  She briefs Kandi and Porsha first, stating she “can’t get a fix on Phaedra”.  Of course, Kandi defends her BFF and shoots Demetria down like an asteroid.  Demetria then turns to Team Beast, who she deems “the fun group”, and Kenya spoon-feeds Demetria the straight dope on our resident southern belle and suggests that Demetria confront shady Phaedra as soon as humanly possible.

Demetria-Plea

NayNay and Phaedra arrive later and while NayNay whines about the size of her room, Phaedra straps on her magnifier reading glasses and has them turnt up to atomic blast.

Phaedra-reading glasses

First, she insults Demetria’s stylist, “Oh you’re the stylist… now this you’re on point with”.  Clearly irked by the emphasis and tone on the word this, he waits for Phaedra to leave, gives a twirl that Kenya would be proud of, and calls Phaedra “late, old, and dry.”  Later, NayNay and Phaedra visit with Porsha the dumbass in hopes to trade rooms, but all Porsha has to offer is the fact that Demetria feels somekindaway about Phaedra.  I reckon Porsha was just hitting her cue, we needed to have the beef on the table before the impending mandatory group dinner of doom.

Porsha-Dumbass

At said group dinner, Demetria wastes no time diving into the beef and she confronts Phaedra straight away about the tactless line of questioning about RB and her career.  Phaedra’s plays the “I’m just being honest”. keepin’ it 100 defense, which is about as worn out and tired as the thighs of an old hooker.  In response, Demetria hands her a mathematically challenged, one two punch, “the only thing we have in common is the number eight”, referencing the length of Apollo’s prison sentence and the length of time Demetria and RB have been together (albeit forgetting to carry the one and subtract the pesky li’l breaks!)

The beef between Phaedra and Demetria continues, but we only hear them caterwauling in the background because NayNay starts making cracks and Claudia will no longer hide her hammertoes in the sand.  She dives on NayNay, the “founding father of shadiness” in her “George Washington wig”.  At the other side of the table, Cynthia tries to facilitate an apology between Demetria and Phaedra, then NayNay goes off on her for meddling.  Claudia pipes up and notes they are being bitchy and catty, they need to put the issues on the table, and resolve them like grown ass women.  Oy, Claudia, have you not seen this show?  NayNay labels Claudia as the wanna be “it” girl, “you got the I, but you are missing in the T, proceed with caution.”

Claudia-Disgusted

As NayNay and Claudia trade insults about educational backgrounds, former stripper careers, uncooked hot ramen noodle wigs, having edges at a certain age, half-breed whores, and female body parts that rhyme with Dolores, Kandi comments that Claudia is reading NayNay like hooked on phonics!  Which she is, and props to Claudia for speaking up.  Next week the reading continues, we find out if the damn southwestern eggrolls make it to this dinner table, and the rest of the Puerto Rico trip continues to disintegrate.