Next Course Please

The fact that the big teaser all week was Claw-dia banging on a water glass with a butter knife should have been my first warning that this episode was going to suck balls.  And not just your garden variety, everyday balls, but big, hairy, sweat sock smellin’ BALLZ!

We waste the first 15 minutes with the gang jetting off to the Philippines, there is tension, and Claw-dia is wearing a giant hat from the Steven Tyler collection.  Phaedra is the bearer of great news, Nene can’t be there due to a “blood clotting issue” and she couldn’t obtain medical clearance.  Kandi must have had some inside info about the resort being vegan because she has smuggled some Panda Express onto the plane.  They are headed to a “detox resort”, translation… no meat, no booze, no fun.  They do get to make a pit stop at a McDonald’s in the Philippines for a McCatmeat on a sesame seed bun, and Kenya and Claw-dia flirt with a local dolt whose only hope is a fun toy in his happy meal.

Airport Arrivals

Meanwhile, Nene is in New York for a meeting with creative director on Cinderella.  Not much worth mentioning here other than the fact that he chews her up and spits her out like rancid McCatmeat after she asks if she can inject her own language and accent into her lines.  She wants to throw in her patented catch phrases… “chile”, “bye wig”, etc.  The director advises her to “use sparingly” like Vaseline.  We are kinda done and over Nene at this point in the episode, which hopefully tells us this season may be her last.

Claw-dia announces that Phaedra will get the largest room at the resort in an ass-kissin’ move to compensate for her recent Apollo strife.  It’s 6 a.m. in Manila and Kandi is ready to put on her night bonnet, the rest of the gang heads off to their respective quarters, but not some shade flingin’ first.  Kenya, Cynthia, Claw-dia, and Demetria (she’s still here?), declare that things are going well because the cancer that is Nene Leakes is missing from the group.  Kenya wishes Nene a “blood clotless week” and looks forward to having some fun.

Pheadra and Porsha discuss the spa treatments and have definite interest in the “Colema”, which is a caffeine enema.  Porsha is confused, will said enema give her a “true cleanout”?  Phaedra clarifies, “it’s gonna give you a BOOST…y’know cuz anything you put in your butt is going to take real fast.”  As if that was not line of the night, Phaedra later tells us in her one on one to the camera, “I don’t drink coffee but I’m sure my butt wouldn’t mind a sip.”

Later at 3 p.m., Phaedra and Claw-dia meet for a salad summit and Claw-dia shares a story about an annulment she went through in attempt to get Phaedra to open up, but the Southern Belle is shut down like an illegal day care center.  She claims she is “a private person…”, which is the perfect trait for a reality show cast member.

Phaedra and Kandi have some spa time alone to have their scalps and feet rubbed and to decide that their friendship is fine and they will “move forward…”  Later the gang has a yoga sesh where Kandi starts sawing logs like an Ax Man and astonishes the group by her lack of flexibility.

Kandi-Yoga

As they dress for dinner, Claw-dia reveals another bodily flaw of hers, which is “weak holes” … i.e., her earrings are too heavy for her lobes.  Claw-dia tells Demetria and Cynthia about her salad-side chat with Phaedra and that Phaedra actually cried.  At the dinner not quite from hell, assigned seating will be had by all so that we can “mix it up”, as if the impending drama was not already planned.  Claw-dia admits that the Bravo intern she snuck liquor and chicken into the resort, because they realized the no meat, no booze thing was backfiring faster than going commando while suffering from explosive traveler’s diarrhea.

Porsha is wearing her favorite color, short and tight, and the rest of the gang looks like something from “Three’s Company goes to Hawaii”.  Cynthia and Porsha are getting along and Cynthia comments “Porsha is a lotta fun when she’s off her leash!”  Something tells me that comment will come up at the 97 part reunion.

Claw-dia gives the opening toast, let’s move forward, blah…blah…blah!  Cynthia apologizes to Phaedra, who remains silent.  Porsha giggles and Claw-dia reprimands her with a “WTF” and notes that Porsha is having “Puerto Rico PTSD”.  Kenya mutters “she’s lookin’ for a moment like she always does”, which sends Porsha into orbit.  Then Claw-dia cracks the glass in an attempt to get the group to shut their chicken holes and allow Cynthia and Phaedra to finish their conversation.  Phaedra cooly sips her soup while throwing some serious side eye, “next course please.”  Kenya gets on the Phaedra is an asshole party train and explains that she has tried to reach out to her as well, but it goes ignored.  We flash back to that priceless moment during the Savannah trip, when Kenya attempted to clear the air with Phaedra, but only to be ignored while Ms. Parks pumped her breasts.  Because nothing says “f*ck you, get out of my face” like the rhythmic whirr of a breast pump.

Kenya decides that a private convo with Phaedra needs to happen and Phaedra acquiesces.  The ladies all cheer and break out into hysterics, laughing at each other’s asses.  Porsha does her milkshake walk, which Claw-dia compares to “a stanky leg with a loose knee.”  They all laugh and appear to be having a great time!  Imagine that!  Next week, the trip continues, Nene prepares to take the big stage and appears to have a meltdown, and Phaedra and Kenya finally make peace.

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It Ain’t Gonna be Kumbaya, Baby!

Grabbing her borrowed Birkin bags full of mental baggage faster than a blink of a false eyelash, we see Nene spin on her heels in her paratrooper onesie with Dr. Jeff trailing in her wake.  “We can’t work it out without you”, he pleads!  Nevertheless, Nene threatens his license for declaring “Attack Nene Day” a National Holiday.  While she runs off to angrily type up a BBB complaint on Dr. Jeff, he returns to the group like a defeated Jeff Spicoli “No dice…”

No Dice

The gang agrees to put a pin in the Nene portion of their discussion and continue on with the therapy work.  Porsha and Claw-dia discuss how they were bullied and Kenya plays her abandonment card.  Dr. Jeff explains that they if they cannot understand what baggage they are bringing into a relationship, then they have no power over it.  It is here, in the depths of airing their childhood despair, that Dr. Jeff has an epiphany, it’s all a big pissing contest between these hags and he really just wants to go home, put on his jammies, and eat some chicken wangs.  We revisit the whore calling on the Puerto Rico Party bus ride from hell and Kenya calls Porsha a “revisionist historian”, which I have to give Kenya props for pulling that one out of her back pocket.  After all, beyotch thought the Underground Railroad was an actual train.  In the end, the therapy sesh actually does some good after the exit of NayNay.  Kenya delivers a somewhat sincere apology to Porsha and she accepts.  Dr. Jeff points out that they may argue, but they don’t have to get hood rat ugly about it.  Oh Dr. Jeff, your optimistic naïveté is simply adorbs…this show won’t survive without the trifling arguments between these whorenados!  Bless his heart…meanwhile, somewhere in a penthouse office located at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, a Bravo Executive has legal on speed dial.

Group Hug

Kenya suggests they send Nene a video message thanking her for the idea of the therapy sesh and Kandi calls it an ass kisser move, “Girl, BYE!”  Dr. Jeff makes a final note that they can learn to handle conflict without losing themselves or their dignity.  They hug it out and Kandi agrees to record the corny video message, which will only further allow Nene to keep treating people poorly, now it’s just documented.

Nene is too busy to give a flying rat’s ass, she is rehearsing her Cinderella lines!  She has allowed Gregg some play time in the yard because she needs him to listen to her ills.  Nene feels she has already apologized enough, but it never occurs to her that she has to keep apologizing because she never stops acting like a crusty asshole wearing a bad wig.

NayNay-Zero Phucks

Later, Kandi and Todd meet up with peter and Cynthia at the Bowlmor to shoot some pool and some shit.  Peter orders a stiff drink to turn it aaaaallllll da’ way up.  They are glad the group made amends during the therapy sesh, but Kandi is still shocked that even Dr. Jeff was hip to the issues between she and Phaedra, when Phaedra has yet to say a word to her.  Kandi put it perfectly, “If you’re having a problem with our relationship and you don’t tell me, WE don’t have a problem, but YOU do!”

Alas, Phaedra has bigger fish to fry than to worry about her former Ace Boon Coon, Kandi.  Phaedra has a sit down with Sarah Jakes, daughter of famed Bishop T.D. Jakes.  Phaedra wants to pick her brain about how she came to terms with the end of her marriage.  Sarah explains that she was “robbed of the ability to be vulnerable in her marriage” and that’s when she knew she was in a bad spot.  Phaedra finally breaks down and sheds some synthetic tears.  Phaedra confides in her that she doesn’t really have close friends to talk to about this and Sarah warns that if she keeps stifling her emotions, feeling numb will become her new normal and she will look like one of the corpses she embalms.

Later, Phaedra drops by Kaplan Family Law wearing a faux fur capelette, as if she is off to a roaring twenties bible study group.  Counselor Kaplan notes that Phaedra’s prenup is air tight, but the kids are a concern.  When discussing the demise of the marriage, Phaedra points out that there was no longer a meeting of the mind and Apollo was more interested in drinking and breakin’ da’ law-n-shit.  Kaplan poses the question of seasons 2 – 6, “there were loads of other men you could have married that didn’t spend any time in prison, how did you marry him knowing he was in prison for five years?”  Phaedra admits that she thought he was a changed man, thought that he loved her, and she believed in him.  Phaedra got Phooled and now she finds herself cleaning up a “trail of madness”.  Right now the parenting plan is paramount, and Phaedra may have to face facts and take the boys to see their father in jail.

Phaedra-Divorce

In less interesting goings on, Kenya is having a table read for her first script of “Life Twirls On”.  She runs around, acting like she is in charge, and thinks her poorly timed Ray Rice jokes are “landing”.  Brandon pretends to supervise, Cynthia can’t act her way out of a paper bag, and Kenya suffers from delusions as she says “watch out ‘Two Broke Girls’, here comes ‘Life Twirls On’!”

Claw-dia contacts Dr. Jeff for a Skype therapy sesh so that she can root through her issues like a pig rooting in shit.  Dr. Jeff suggests that the women go on a Bravo mandated trip from hell.  Somewhere in a penthouse office located at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, a Bravo Executive is signing a bonus check for the good doctor.  We see Claw-dia in her one on one with the camera while wearing a white dress with her hair dyed one color, brushed, and looking nice.  She can obviously look descent if she puts her mind to it, so I still don’t understand why she spends a majority of her camera time looking like a low-rent hooker on the third shift stroll.  Dr. Jeff summarizes their discussion by telling her to plan a trip, but be wary… “It ain’t gonna be Kumbaya, baby!”

Claw-dia tells Kenya and Cynthia about the Philippines trip and figures she’ll throw in a free demonstration of what “tea bagging” is on Cynthia’s forehead…in case you missed it:

Tea Bag

Cynthia and Kenya later stop by “Tags”, where Kandi is toiling away trying to figure out why her inventory isn’t moving.  The girls feign interest in child-sized pleather coats, but the underlying agenda is to discuss the trip prescribed by Dr. Jeff.  We are treated to a flashback scene of Claw-dia and Porsha having a meeting of the mind and playing nice in the sandbox.  They decide each will inform their respective teams that they are headed to the Philippines for a make-up sesh and caffeine enemas.

Next week, the Thrilla in Manila where the main event is a staged break through between Phaedra and Kenya!

Oh What a Tangled Weave…

Everyone is on sugar and oversized furniture overload at the Kandi Factory, it seems the staff is dropping the ball on Kandi’s projects and Todd ain’t happy about it.  Kandi has a pow-wow with her team about working cohesively to make her brand bigger.  Don Juan cannot hide his disdain, for he knows this is coming from Todd, the miniature spouse that could.  Don definitely feels “somekindaway” about Todd, “I definitely think we should take a look at Kandi Burruss prior to Todd.  We have stores all across the United States, a successful Bedroom Kandi line, and a songwriting career that spans across 60 million records sold plus a Grammy.  Annnnd Todd Tucker’s resume reads what? I’ll wait on it…”

Kandi-Meeting

After the reprimand, Don plops down in the hot pink office chair in front of Kandi to voice his opinion about Todd’s meddling.  He doesn’t get too far with her, citing examples of how he has sacrificed his personal life for her and she basically tells him he is “ride or die”, so pick up your nut sack and get out of my hot pink pleather chair!  Later, Todd and Don get into it, Todd spouts off some delusional idea about how Kandi should be collaborating with Obama, but “at the end of the day” they just want Team Kandi to be better and Don Juan has to manage and lead in a way that allows him time for his own personal life.  They fist bump it out, but of course, this doesn’t go down without a final read from Don about Todd needing a step stool so they can talk eye to eye.

DonJuan

Meanwhile, across town, Claudia Jordan tries to make nice with Porsha Stewart since they rub elbows at work, but Porsha snubs her peachy replacement.  Claudia suspects the snub is Kenya-related, but I think Porsha is still reeling from her “Peach REVOKED” status.  Porsha should just be gracious and be glad someone in ATL who isn’t Kordell Stewart is writing her a check.

Cynthia pops over to a boutique in her royal blue cloak and matching royal blue umbrella and Kenya meets her in torn jeans and a floppy hat.  Claudia will be coming along later and Cynthia is hyped, “she seems really cool.”  Yeah, until she pisses you off.  Claudia arrives and they start trying on footwear, but Claudia declines because she has self-described “struggle toes”.  Kenya asks if they resemble the “Boomerang toes”, but Claudia says she wishes they were that nice.  ICYMI:

BoomerangToes

Cynthia brings up her issues with Porsha and the “We Hate Porsha Williams” club is now fully formed.  Claudia quickly obtains platinum member status with her work-snub tale.  Kenya encourages Claudia to have a sit down with Porsha, but warns her that Porsha is dumber than Handerpants.

Handerpants

The other half of the faction, known as “The Kenya Moore Hate-Club”, hits the spa.  I hope Phaedra plans to get a polish change, her nails are creepy long and neon yellow.  Although, she no longer looks like a busted can o’ biscuits, the “Prison Stress Diet” is working to her favor.  The gang discusses the Porsha/Cynthia caucus and Porsha claims Cynthia (“Mini-Nene with a long face”) did the “robot read” and recited things from a list Peter created.  Because as we know, Peter Thomas is the diabolical puppet master of the ATL.  Nene chimes in and says that she was blindsided by Cynthia at the reunion and will never be friends with her again, but wishes her the best and has “no hate for her and her afro.”  The convo turns to Apollo-gate and Nene doesn’t believe that he lied at all and he only lied about lying just to sting Phaedra.  As her latest minion, Porsha backs up Nene on the new conspiracy theme.

Apollo and Peter get together at Bar One for a drink and Apollo trash-talks Phaedra by revealing that she used to booty call him when he was living in the projects, wearing an ankle monitor, and sleeping on an air mattress.  Peter clarifies, “She used to come see you when you was on the air mattress, Dawg?”  “Yes, on the AIR MATTRESS!”  Ergo…since she was hotter than a half-f*cked fox in a forest fire over him, despite him being down and out, living on an AIR MATRESS of all things, she should still be his ace boon coon today.  Somewhere, Phaedra Parks is mortified and fashioning a shiv out of his old ankle monitor casing.  Apollo further explains that Kenya made him look bad by revealing the texts that he did send her, so he decided to flip the script on her because he hadn’t yet perfected his backpedal shuffle.  Get a clue asshole, you make yourself look bad all on your own.  Peter says he spoke to Kenya about the lies and she “seemed cool”.  Apollo has the audacity to flash a grin…“do you think she’ll come visit me?”  Yeah ass hat, she can’t wait to hide crank in her coochie crack and smuggle it into prison for you, so you can trade it for commissary…As if

We are treated to a brief interstitial of Ayden picking out a puppy.  I cannot even believe this sweet, precious boy was spawned from immoral, pump-n-dump Apollo sperm.  Did your heart just melt when he was training the dog?  “Stay in control”, “Excuse me! I’m walking the dog!”, “I know all about dogs!”  I think he should get his own show!  If anything, he is living proof that Phaedra’s marriage to Apollo was not a total loss.

Ayden-Dog

Claudia and Porsha meet up for lunch and Porsha gives her the courtesy of being on time.  Claudia cuts right to the chase and tells Porsha she felt the work-snub was shady and she don’t want no trouble.  Porsha claims it’s nothing personal, but Claudia throws out the Kenya card and suggests that Porsha and Kenya work it out.  Porsha’s head spins around a few times and she says something about her “intellectual mind frame”, as if it’s something she picked up at Pottery Barn, and then concludes by telling Claudia to mind her bidness when it comes to the rift with Kenya.  Next, Stonewall Jackson artfully changes the subject by applying some Tom Ford lotion and asks Claudia to smell her hands.

Kandi and Kenya get together for a kick-you-while-you’re-down boxing work out.  While they are stretching, Kandi admits that she didn’t believe Kenya’s denials about text-gate and offers her an apology, which Kenya appreciates.  Of course, Kandi the shit-stirrer in training, can’t leave well enough alone.  Kandi fills her in on the conspiracy spa-day of horrors and tells Kenya that the main gang thinks Apollo lied about lying.  Kenya loses her shiz, storms off, and shoves the cameras out of her face for heightened drama.  We can still hear the audio as Kenya sobs about this rumor and Kandi presumably hands her a wad of toilet paper.

Kenya-Bathroom

Next week it looks like we will be treated to the Bravo mandated group dinner from hell where enemies collide.

(Photo Credits:  Bravo.com and StraightfromtheA.com)

Low Down Dirty Shame

What better way to start this shit show than with precious li’l Ayden getting his teeth cleaned.  Since Phaedra won’t let Apollo see the boys, daddy has to slink into the dental appointment to get a quick visit.  Phaedra doesn’t even acknowledge her grade-A, sketchball hubby and I don’t think even the dentist can drill through the palatable tension between these two.  Besides, the dentist is a hottie and Phaedra may soon be available.

In the chair, Dr. Hottie coaches Ayden to say “teamwork brushing”, which he does in his cute little voice… “teamwork brushing, working together.”  Apollo will soon be doing a lot of “teamwork” in lockup and Phaedra has her own plan to raise her boys to be strong black men, “no Dustin Diamonds, no McCauley Culkins, and no Gary Colemans.”  Whatever that means.

Meanwhile, across town, Kandi has concocted a brilliant plan to buy Mama Joyce a new house conveniently located right down the street from her and Todd.  Kandi discussed this stellar plan with her husband, but he thinks Kandi is once again being a push over and Mama should have been happy with Kandi’s hand me down house.  Todd leaps around the kitchen and tells Kandi she is acting like Oprah… “you get a house, you get a house, and you get a house!”  Mama Joyce arrives to go house hunting and Kandi leaves them alone for a few minutes.  Alone.  In the kitchen.  With knives.  It’s a combination of idle chit chat, stank face, and side eye.  Kandi and Mama drive half a block to the new home and it’s love at first sight.  I am not sure the seven bedrooms, four full bathrooms, swimming pool, and basketball court are enough for a single 60 year old woman.  She really needs eight bedrooms and a gym to house her army of senior skanks.  Kandi remains blissfully ignorant and indicates that she is so glad to have Mama nearby for when she and Todd pop out a baby.  Mama tells Kandi she had a dream that Todd had a vasectomy, Kandi scoffs, “well okay Miss Cleo”!  Kandi takes the one-on-one opportunity to discuss how Todd’s reaction to Mama has been proportionate to Mama’s shitty, asshole-like behavior.  Kandi also encourages Mama to apologize to Todd’s mother Sharon, for calling her a pimp and a prostitute.  But not a shot in hell, if anything Mama expects an apology from Sharon for calling her an asshole when in fact she was just “acting” like an asshole.  Way to lay the confrontation groundwork between Mama and Sharon.  Although I would like to see that, Sharon is scrappy and has some good fight in her.  The only skill Mama has exhibited is threatening with a deadly Wal-Mart wedge sandal.

Kenya and her friend Brandon get together for some tea and shade.  They rehash the reunion brawl, but Brandon wants Kenya to get back to being her ol’ diva self.  He gives her a pep talk and Kenya invites him to accompany her to a get together for Cynthia (more on that later).  Brandon declines because he doesn’t want to see Apollo and be put in the position for another “beige on beige crime”.  Brandon sits down at the piano and they hammer out their next top 40 hit called “Really Bitch?!?!”  I hate to say it, but I think the song idea actually has some legs.

Really Bitch

Across the nation in Vegas, it’s opening night at “Zumanity”.  Nene and she is freaked out about doing live theater and she worries that the orgy scene may throw her off because of all the tea bagging.  I love how the phrase “tea bagging” rolls off her tongue like she just plucked as her word of the day from “Urban Dictionary”, but yet the thought of professional actors staging an orgy scene skeeves her out.  Her moment arrives and the stage crew stuffs Nene in a pod, which transports her up to stage level.  Nene felt like the HBIC during her performance and says she “grew a pair of balls” during her performance.  She may want to have that looked at.

Nene-Performing

Earlier we learned that Cynthia was in a five-page spread for Ebony Magazine and Peter decided to throw a party at the flailing Bar One to acknowledge her accomplishment.  Imagine that, Cynthia who is a MODEL for a living, was in a magazine.  How amazing, let’s have a party because you worked?  The party should have been themed “Bravo mandated soiree to exclude certain cast mates for the purpose of fanning drama flames and to put feuding cast mates in room together for heightened awkwardness”.

Cynthia arrives at her “I went to work one day” themed party, looking rather stunning.  Kandi and Cynthia dish the dirt on the uninvited party guests and Kenya arrives with new housewife, Claudia Jordan, as her plus one.  Turns out Claudia works with Porsha at some radio show, so I am sure there will be some sort of “pick a side” future feud.  Kenya quickly changes the subject from the “Laila Ali wannabe” (Porsha) and then Kandi brings it up again and asks what’s going on with the lawsuit.  Kenya explains she is not suing, but it is in the hands of the state.

Cynthia Party

Apollo shows up as if her were on some sort of publicity tour protocol before “going away” for a very long time.  He is dressed in his best suit and he looks like he would smell of desperation and Drakaar Noir.  He says hello to Kenya as if nothing is wrong.  Kenya takes off with Claudia to the bathroom where they talk trash about Apollo, but ever the optimist, Claudia notes that Apollo is going to have some bangin’ abs when he gets out of the hoosegow.  They reapply their lipstick, blot, and make sure their social security cards are accounted for safely in their purses.

Kenya Bathroom

Back in the lounge, Apollo tells the rest of the gang that Phaedra is not being supportive and that their marriage is spiraling downhill.  Kenya returns to the group only to say goodbye and Apollo wants a private talk with her.  Of course, she is not interested in talking to this “sneaky MF”, but he follows her and Cynthia outside.  He starts to talk while Cynthia supervises and he tries to apologize to Kenya.  He must feel the sudden urge to repent and right all his wrongs, y’know cleanse his Karma before going off to be potentially butt-f*cked in the prison shower.  Kenya isn’t happy, she wants a specific apology, for him to say that he lied. He did not see her in L.A. and she did not proposition him.  He finally sorta admits he lied and then Cynthia goes back inside and delivers the news to the rest of the gang.  When Apollo comes back in to the party, Kandi confronts him, she wants to hear it right from the horse’s mouth.  Apollo admits that he lied about Kenya, with a smirk and a shrug, “I’m not perfect”.  Kandi, Todd, and Peter all take a collective exasperated breath, trying not to lose their shiz.  Now they realize they all owe Kenya an apology for believing Apollo and for looking down on her as if she were some kinda second-rate ho, whose only responsibility is to refill the tater tot bin at the tittie bar where she works third-shift.

Apollo-Lied

Apollo goes back outside to tell Kenya he is sorry AGAIN, but she wants specifics.  He finally admits that he never saw her in L.A. and he just made it up because he was angry about the booty DVD debacle.  Really, asshole?  Are you in 8th grade?  He is sure to get his bitch ass beat in prison.  Kenya feels somewhat vindicated, but she won’t feel fully vindicated until Phaedra apologizes to her.  Good luck wit’ dat!

Reunited and it Feels Like Loose Weave

Wow.  Just.  Wow.  If this is what part one looks like, I can’t wait for parts two and three…on with the show, this is it!  Reunion shows are often a bit disjointed, and that’s putting it mildly.  It’s like watching five rabid meerkats fighting it out in a motorcycle death cage.  So let’s break it down to our top five moments:

  1. Props for the Props

We all know Kenya is full blown, full throttle, pedal to the metal cray cray, but throw in her props and she ascends to the Defcon 5 level of bat shit.  She waves around her bejeweled scepter from the Deranged Disney Collection, she knights OHAC with it as if she were a Queen, and then she prods it in Porsha’s direction, just enough to send the already mentally unstable infant of the family off the rails.  More on that later…

Scepter

  1. The Roundup of Ills and General Malaise

Phaedra claims Apollo is only being held on a “complaint” regarding fraud, not indictment.  She has no involvement and in response to representing him in court, “hell to the naw!”

Nene suffers from pulmonary embolism, so now she is on medication and has to wear ugly compression socks when she travels.  Apparently, the compression socks cause her to have permanent stank face, or maybe it’s her Martha Washington powdered wig?

StankFace

The ladies all twerked at some point during the season, Cynthia has the saddest twerk that needs work.  The only reason this is worth mentioning is that it is during this discussion that it becomes painfully evident that Nene and Cynthia are not on good terms.

  1. Tardy for the Party

Nene suffered her trials with everyone being “Tardy for the Party” and on CP time.  Kandi and her Chic-Fil-A pit stop is revisited, which leads to the talk about calling each other fatties.

Kenya discusses why certain ladies were not invited to Velvet’s memorial and everyone reached out to Keyna except for Nene.  Nene looks like she would rather be deloused in women’s prison than be at this reunion taping.

  1. So Nasty, So Rude

OHAC asks about the African Prince, or as Phaedra calls him, “Casper the Friendly Boyfriend”.  Porsha claims that Kenya offered to pay someone $15K to pose as her rent-a-man on the show.  Kenya waves the scepter at Porsha again, and Porsha snatches it and flings it across the room.  Kenya whips out a megaphone so she can talk over Porsha.  Porsha threatens to shove the scepter up Kenya’s fake diaper booty ass and Kenya challenges Porsha to spell scepter.  Porsha proves she doesn’t know what the hell she is talking about and banters back with “Your breaf smell like a sceptic tank, bey-otch!”

Allegedly, Nene met Kenya’s mysterious African prince, but not really.  Nene said she was walking out of a hotel at 10 p.m. at night and some man with a thick accent approached her and said something unintelligible to her.  Nene went on her merry way and Kenya called her to ask why she was so nasty and so rude to her boyfriend.  Nene repeats “So Nasty, So Rude”, three times.

  1. Calm Yer Teets

At the top of the hour, Porsha introduced her new boobs, she claims she ate her yams and got twins.  Oy, a collective OY!  She invited OHAC to “smell them, they’re new”.  Uhh…EW!

EW

Later, OHAC backs Kenya into a bit of a corner about Walter-gate.  Kenya claims Karma has done its job with the ladies who did not support her last season.  Phaedra felt she was supportive toward Kenya with her “rental boyfriend”, but Kenya scoffs, the subject of Walter is as “dead as the hair on his head.”  Porsha decides to pipe up, she is fed up with Kenya playing victim.  Kenya insults her intelligence again and whips out the megaphone.  Porsha goes low “your vagina is so rotten, no one will claim you!”  Kenya shouts through the megaphone, Porsha cheated on Kordell and “you’re a dumb ho!”  Porsha loses her shiz.

 

BullHorn

Porsha dives after the megaphone, and in the process, rips off Cynthia’s dress exposing her real teet.  Porsha and Kenya are on their feet and OHAC tries to pry them apart, but he is still a li’l gun-shy after being whipped around like a rag doll by Teresa Goo-boo-chay on RHNJ.

Get Fired

Quick as lighting, Porsha has a handful of Kenya’s weave and she drags Kenya up in this beyotch!  Production crew tackles Porsha to the ground and Kenya storms off, looking fairly unscathed, with Lawrence in tow.  I guess it is her real hair.  Nene and Phaedra try to calm Porsha down, she is hysterical, kicking her feet, crying that she can’t believe she embarrassed herself this way.  Nene covers Porsha’s mouth so she doesn’t say anything stupid and Nene calls out “someone get her some house shoes!”

Calm Teet

Production carries her off, because she is apparently so exhausted, winded, and bereft over her uncouth display of violence and the Bravo Intern hasn’t arrived with the house shoes yet.  Kandi runs back stage and Phaedra comments “she went Decatur on her real fast!”  Phaedra and Kandi disband to have their makeup touched up and talk about Kandi’s bachelorette party which will have weird strippers (Re-DICK-ulous), and ain’t nobody got time for this here craziness!

OHAC apologizes to Kenya in her dressing room, he feels terrible that it went there.  He goes across the way to see Porsha, she feels so much happened so fast and she was not ready for cameras in her face.  Then the blow horn and saying shit about Kordell sent her over the edge.  Porsha blacked out in a fit of rage and doesn’t remember much.  She is embarrassed, but felt pushed.  OHAC sends her home for the day and asks that Porsha apologize to Kenya at some point, which we know will never happen.

Next week, the reunion carries on, we get into the Mama Joyce drama and we find out why Cynthia and Nene are on the outs.

Frenemies

Phaedra and Kandi meet up at the house that the Kandi Factory built, where butterflies fly and bulldogs eat salt and vinegar flavored Pringles.  Phaedra gives Kandi the low down on the Athens trip and Chuck, a.k.a. “the big homey”, and without any provocation whatsoever, Kandi laughs and says “guuuuurl, you mean the little homey?”  Phaedra delivers her classic line of the episode, “I don’t like bite size brownies and I don’t like cocktail sausages, chile puh-leaze.”  Phaedra then explains Chuck’s “team concept” and Kandi recognizes that Chuck must be bringing up their names in order to make himself relevant, because they are two hot, poppin’ chicks and the window on his football fame is closed.  Phaedra recognizes his insecurities, that he is a pig, and she calls him a “light skinned Frankenstein”.  Chuck holds nary a candle to her foyne hubby, Apollo.  Even if he does wear a Charlie Brown backpack.

Phaedra-WeeniesCynthia is wearing her Diana Ross serious conversation wig, and she has a bright idea to host a trunk show so that Malorie can pedal her beaded wares and work up some skrilla and buy a one way ticket home.  Cynthia recounts her argument with Peter and she second guesses herself because she thinks she went too far and crossed the line.  I have to take back the props I gave Cynthia last week for having a backbone.  If anyone crossed a line, it was when Peter suggested he rent a jack shack across town to get away from her!  Peter walks in on the convo and Mal confronts him about starting in on her right out of the gate.  Peter throws Cynthia under the bus for not having a private conversation with him first, and Cynthia dives in front of said bus taking responsibility for her party foul.  However, Cynthia allegedly didn’t know Mal was coming either, or did she???  Dun, Dun, Dun!  Peter tells Mal he has no issue with her staying, but he and Cynthia are going through some issues.  Mal ties a brick to the accelerator of said bus by asking if “it’s a sex thing”.  Totally.  Awkward.  Cynthia promises Peter she will soon turn back into a seething cauldron of passion, which made him once question if he was merely a man whore to Cynthia.  I think she should stick to her guns and kick him in the balls, she just had surgery in her hoo ha region.  But hey, that’s just me…

Cynthia-Diana Wig

Kenya is on her way to the airport to pick up her dad.  She has successfully matched her dress to her lipstick, but life has failed her in the parent department.  Her dad, Ronald, starts criticizing as soon as his ass hits the passenger seat.  “You got your mama’s feet, they look like they got ash foot.”  They get into a hot debate about what constitutes an actual foot corn.  At this point, he shows potential to bring a bit of lighthearted humor to this hot mess express.  I may even be able to tolerate him sounding like Kermit stuck in a wood chipper, but as soon as he says he hates hardwood floors and criticizes the contents of her refrigerator, I feel that he must be banned from the show, and quickly.  Who goes around hating hardwood floors and refrigerated food?  A pure psychopath, that’s who!  Kenya sits him down on her ugly ass furniture to have a serious conversation about working issues out with her mother and Ronald shoots down the idea immediately, once again leaving Kenya emotionally stalled out like Bentley on blocks.

Porsha sits down with her attorney after the mediation meeting with Kordell.  Porsha and Kordell cannot reach an agreement and since they have no prenup, they may need to go to trial.  Porsha’s lawyer thinks she looks too fabulous to win anything significant in the case, but “fabulousness aside”, Porsha can’t put a dollar value on her heart.  Her lawyer mops the sweat from his brow, revealing that he hopes the settlement will cover his legal fees and then maybe there will be enough left over to provide Porsha a meager future in a van down by the river.

At the actual Kandi Factory, Kandi and Todd talk about the progress of her musical, but he discourages her from using her existing team on the play because they have never done a project of this nature.  Experienced people should be handling the play, oh and by the way he’s off to New York to interview for a job on an international traveling show and if he gets it, he will be gone for several months.  Kandi gets upset, but I am not completely sure why, this is after all what Todd does for a living.  And what better way to show everyone he is not an opportunist, by continuing to work in his own independent career?  I’m sure the underlying Mama Joyce tension is not helping and we will just write this one off to bad timing.

Cynthia and Nene arrive at Kenya’s house for a visit and Kenya is dressed in coveralls, pretending that the decked out gals are going to help her paint.  The ladies are more concerned about how Kenya can afford the Bentley in the driveway.  Cynthia speculates that she is selling a lotta booty videos.  Kenya insists it’s her mystery African man who takes care of her.  Dad Ronald is introduced and he starts the convo out on the sexist foot, he doesn’t believe that women should tell men what to do, it’s his way or no way.  Nene is appalled, but he leers at her like a creeper and tells her he would treat her like a queen, and then he exits stage left.  Any professional creeper knows, you gotta leave ‘em wanting more.  Kenya tries to jab Nene back by asking her why she won’t do Kandi’s play, after all the “New Normal” was cancelled.  Cynthia calls the play the “chitlin circuit”, whatever the hell that means, and Nene says she has no time for it, after all she just left a Ryan Murphy production.  Bitch puh-leaze, you gonna run into the same people on the way down as you did on your way up.

Phaedra and Kandi were traveling in the opposite direction to check out Porsha’s new digs, which are right in Nene’s back yard.  When Phaedra and Kandi get the particulars of the 8,000 square foot McMansion, Phaedra tells Porsha “you done lost your cotton pickin’ mind!”  Porsha claims it’s “motivation”, which is what she heard at the learning Annex the day Peter Thomas spoke.  Porsha tells her pals that the whole teenage texting thingie with Kordell didn’t really pan out.  They eventually talked, but all he gave her was an ultimatum to come home or deal with his attorney, therefore there is no way they can…ahem… “reconciliate” as Porsha put it.  Porsha wants to live in the overpriced Barbie dream bubble.  She likes living alone in the quiet, she is enjoying the silence of no furniture, no cable T.V., and no Kordell using Kandi’s sex toys.  Thank you Phaedra for the demonstration.

At Industry Studios, Cynthia and Malorie are setting up for the trunk show.  She has a few folding tables in a ginourmous space, a few cartons of box wine, some cocktail weenies, and brownie bites!  Cynthia Bailey knows how to throw an event as she orders her stylist to shuffle around the tables so that the jewelry can be featured on its own lonely card table.  Porsha and Kandi show up on time and Porsha tells Cynthia she moved into Nene’s neighborhood, but wanted to surprise her with the news.  Cynthia warns her that people don’t like surprises and Nene is not gonna be happy.

Malorie tells Phaedra that she is staying at Cynthia’s and Phaedra is taken aback.  Kenya senses controversy and inserts herself in the conversation, ready for her weekly meow down.  She has no qualms giving her two cents and tells Mal she is crack-headed crazy for popping in on Cynthia like that.  Mal goes on defense right away and gives Kenya the patented Jerry Springer “bitch, you don’t know me” speech and it starts gettin’ krunk.  Cynthia puts the kibosh on it, takes Mal to the side, and tells her to stop pissing off the customers.

Kandi tells Phaedra and Kenya to keep the lid on the fact that Porsha moved because Porsha wants to “surprise” Nene.  Kenya laughs when she hears the details of Porsha’s McMansion, Porsha must want to head to bankruptcy court also because “the bank won’t accept checks written in crayon.”  READ!

Nene arrives with her sidekick, Mynique, who looked like a tweaked out crack head.  She should be nervous now, these women will skin her alive.  Nene hones in on Phaedra’s snakeskin galoshes and can’t believe she is not in heels.  Of course, Phaedra must deflect the negative attention and can’t possibly keep a lid on a GD thing and she tells Nene she was in her neighborhood visiting someone and Kenya twirls in to say “oh you mean Porsha” and then she twirls away.  Nene starts her rant again, “Porsha is a bad friend!”  Kandi makes a beeline over to Porsha to warn her that the beans were spilled and “it wasn’t me!”  Porsha storms over to Nene right away, grabs her arm, and claims she wanted to surprise her.  Nene ain’t havin’ it and goes off on her, Phaedra slinks away from the shit storm she caused (hence the galoshes), and Kenya is reveling in it in her red curtain dress.  Porsha walks out in disgust, Cynthia follows, and Porsha breaks down.  Nene sees Porsha crying and comes over to basically say “sorry, not sorry, you still kinda suck as a friend”, but Porsha contends it isn’t about Nene.  Whoa.  Porsha is having a tough day and she is tired of being a people pleaser, which is a huge load of self-discovery for her.  Either there is more to this “bad friend” issue between Porsha and Nene, or Nene’s ego is just completely off the rails.  Kenya, sensing that someone else is finally finding their footing in life, decides to start yelling “It’s not a Porsha divorce party!”  Kenya then discovers that the box wine has run dry, even after you tip it, and she twirls across the street into oncoming traffic, but avoids getting run over.

Kenya-Street

Next week, Kenya announces she is going to have a child and more Todd opportunist accusations fly.