Around the Block

Around and around we go, which ex will return, which old feud will erupt, which product launch will fail, NOBODY KNOWS!  Cynthia and Noelle are playing a rousing game of tennis, whereby Cynthia is amazed she can even make contact with the ball.  They take a break after five minutes and Cynthia tells Noelle that the upcoming L.A. trip will be, not only to look at colleges and take a meetin’ with her baby daddy, Leon, but Cynthia has hereby appointed Noelle as the fresh face of her new “Cargo” bag line!  Noelle is ready to ride on her mother’s coat tails, but wait, it involves talking to people and like, standing and stuff?!?!  At the launch event, Noelle is glued to her phone and complaining that her feet hurt, like a good li’l millennial.  Cynthia tells her that life hasn’t even begun to kick her ass yet, and she better suck it up buttercup!

pity-train

After the event, Leon takes Cynthia and Noelle to dinner, but Noelle cuts out right after the appetizer to attend a concert.  The real question here is, what happened to Cynthia and Leon, why are they not together?!?!  #teamleonamiright!  Cynthia breaks down in tears over her pending divorce and cries off her false eyelashes, Leon tells her that she looks beautiful without any makeup.  Cynthia, what more do you need?

Kandi pays a visit to her Mama Joyce and she sets up Baby Ace in a really cool, rotating baby seat.  While Ace chills in his contraption, Mama Joyce is all about da’ Benjamins!  Her two burning questions, does she get paid for babysitting and is Block going to cough up the $50K he owes Kandi in child support?  I love me some bat-shit crazy Mama Joyce, but holy buckets o’ ballz does she have a one-track mind.  Take a look around at that all expenses paid, fully furnished, 10,000 square foot house you rompin’ around in!  As they discuss Block, Mama Joyce goes full throttle off the edge and her wig-lette starts spinning!  This subject matter of clearly infuriates her.  She wants Block to get an “LLC: Lien, License, or Cash!”  While Mama Joyce focuses on counting coins, I am still mesmerized by the baby seat and wondering if they make them for adults!

mama-joyce-babysit

Phaedra and Kenya appear to be in a “good place”, but they are not “friendship contract” status just yet.  Phaedra fishes around for information on the confrontation between Kenya and She by Shereé and suggests Kenya owes an apology.  Phaedra cuts to the chase and discusses why she really invited Kenya out for tea and crumpets.  She is getting ready for her Phaedra Foundation camp and wants former Miss Michigan to be involved, even though Kenya is crazy as a bedbug.  These two can act as cordial as they want, but trading shade while talking in their indoor, irrational skank voices does not a friendship make.

phaedra-kenya-tea

Bob invites She by Shereé to dinner and Bob is dressed like he just rolled out of Mickey Rourke’s hotel room and She by Shereé is dressed to kill.  As he escorts her up to the “Loving Hut” vegan cuisine in a strip mall, She by Shereé is insulted.  He needs to cough up some serious surf and turf if he is trying to woo himself a room at Chateau Shereé.  What a waste of an outfit and a top knot.  Bob the Buffoon suggests the KFC down the block if she wants meat, but she agrees to enter the Loving Hut with much trepidation.  Bob the Buffoon orders a burger and asks for bacon.  She by Shereé has had it with his crazy eye and stupid jokes, she walks him through a half-assed apology and he finally gets a grip.  He takes a moment to firm his resolve and quell any misgivings and actually apologizes for cheating on She by Shereé and contaminating their indoor hot tub.  She accepts his apology and attempts to say a few words, but Bob is drooling like a half-wit over her titty glitter.  Food arrives, they take two bites, and beat feet to the KFC.

sheree-bob

Phaedra feels that laser tag would be a fun activity for the ladies and to discuss her Phaedra Foundation, but all they are focused on is poppin’ caps in each other’s assess.  After they run around and terrorize the staff, they sit down to discuss creating a pop-up shop so each lady can peddle their inferior wares to raise money for the children.  Ironic that Porsha, of all people, comments that selling Bedroom Kandi dildos to raise money for children is wildly inappropriate.

Phaedra’s main tactical error at said meeting is asking if Kenya and She by Shereé can co-exist in harmony.  This sets off a chain of events that appears to last for several minutes.  Kenya and She by Shereé start arguing, food arrives and Kandi is immediately stress eating, and her chewing is so audible that Kenya takes a moment to snap at her as well.  The “Bitch” and “Ho” insults are tired, as Kandi points out, “everyone has had a bitch or ho moment in life”.  Kenya throws an insult about She by Shereé’s “tired Mama Joyce wig” and Kandi’s head spins around 10 times and she is forced to put down her chicken Caesar wrap.  Mouth full, she spews “don’t you be talkin’ about my MAMA!”  Kenya and She by Shereé agree to chill and behave, for the sake of the children.

kandi-eatin

To wrap up the drama this week, Kandi takes Mama Joyce out for a manicure to repay her for watching Baby Ace rotate in his baby seat.  Mama Joyce takes a moment to inform Kandi that she has found her new BFF and her name is Moscato!  When she drinks it, she can conquer the world!  Foreshadowing???  What timing, Block makes his producer mandated call and says he wants to have a sit down with Kandi about co-parenting.  Mama Joyce jumps in and begins to give him a Moscato read!  She wants that $50K!  Kandi is appalled and tells him he should be working on his relationship with 14-year-old Riley – directly!  He delivers the standard Narcissistic rhetoric, claims he’s been calling, but they don’t call him back, blah, blah, blah!  Mama Joyce wins moment of the night when she starts making the international hand gesture for “show me the money and make it rain up in here!”  Block gets angry and says he’s “not chasin’ nobody”.  Kandi points out if he was the dad he was supposed to be, he wouldn’t have to worry about lack of communication.  He rolls up every two years saying he’s going to do better, but to no avail.  They hang up, Kandi vents, and enters dangerous “ugly cry” territory.  Just as Mama Joyce is about to pipe up, Kandi puts the kibosh on the conversation, because unlike Cynthia, she will not be crying off her falsies!

Next week, off roadin’, Matt punching walls at Moore Manor, She by Shereé’s son is caught driving while high, and Phaedra receives a grenade at her office!

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Baseboard Brawlin’

Phaedra and Porsha arrive at the housewarming abyss, Kenya twirls over and summons Porsha outside for the uncomfortable conversation of the night.  “New Porsha” handled it calmly, the anger management sesh paid off.  We are treated to a history montage of Kenya calling security on various cast mates, which is several.  Phaedra and Porsha gracefully leave, what a waste of an outfit and a wig.

party-goers

Not to let a sleeping dog lie, She by Shereé kicks off her heels and sprints down the driveway and yells out “frick and frack”, bitch wants the low down and She by Shit Stirring is about to begin.  They spot Matt walking up the hill and cackle as they hike over to Chateau Shereé for the after-party.

matts-here

Matt and Kenya retreat to the bedroom so he can apply his half-assed apology for hulking out.  She hems and haws, he refers to her as his “queen”, which seems to be the magic word.  She decides that finding someone to put up with her brand of crazy and getting naked in front of someone new is too much work.  They return to the party and a cake in the shape of Moore Manor is served.  The cake is true to form – it looks pretty sad.

In Papa Smurf and Cynthia news, Cynthia is hanging out in her kitchen chatting with her daughter and Noelle questions if Cynthia has low self-esteem.  Honey, that hairstyle is enough to give me low self-esteem!

cynthia-esteem

Noelle doesn’t understand why her mother the supermodel would put up with so much shit from decrepit Papa Smurf for such a long time.  Cynthia is taken aback, but it’s the reality check she needs to verify she is making the right decision to call it quits.  Later, we see an emotional scene between Cynthia and Papa Smurf as the finalize their demise and he acquiesces to sign the paperwork.  As they part ways, Cynthia tells him his revenge bod looks good, he’s been workin’ out.  It’s a ruse Cynthia, burn the marriage contract (not the prenup) and RUN!

Over at the Kandi Koated Factory, Kandi and Todd are devising a way to capitalize on the birth of their son and have created yet another brand, “Raising Ace”.  They anticipate the best-selling product will be the full-size Koehler toilet seat.  Mama Joyce wanders in and, I shit you not, she is wearing her Walmart wedgie shoes of death and she is still sporting her wig from the Joyce DeWitt Collection.  Kandi dishes out the tea about Kenya’s ramshackle disaster of a housewarming party and Mama Joyce decides it will be Phaedra’s turn in the hot seat.  She feels Phaedra should be rotting in a cell alongside Apollo, how could she not have known he was up to no good?  “You see the man every day with a briefcase, but you don’t know where, you can’t call him at his office!”  It turns into a bit of a free-for-all at the Kandi Koated office after Mama Joyce proclaims that Phaedra could have been granted a divorce from the state of Georgia within two months due to Apollo’s prison time.  Kandi’s assistant quickly Google-checks the proclamation, comes up with something about a crime of moral turpitude, two years, and well, Mama is right!  One thing I know for sure, after Phaedra watches this footage of the Kandi Koated Factory crew slamming her, Kandi can kiss that friendship contract goodbye!

mama-joyce-sassin

Todd provides an update on the “Ol’ Lady Gang” restaurant and shocker – they are way behind construction schedule.  The OLG rolls up in the dirt parking lot to check out the construction site and Aunt Bertha is already wobbling out of the car muttering something about soupy grits.  Todd shows them around and puts on the hard sell since the place looks like a bomb went off, but the OLG seems impressed so far.

And now we get to the segment of dueling lunches!  Kenya and Phaedra meet for lunch, it seems these two are burying the hatchet and are well on their way to a permanent friend contract.  Meanwhile, across town, Porsha and She by Shereé are lunching at The Mill.  Porsha is going to plan some cockamamie event so she can invite Kenya and kick her out when she shows up.

The next day, Kenya has a hare-brained plan of her own to invite Cynthia and Kandi to a salon for some Brazilian “upkeep”.  Kenya is kinda nauseating, “now that Matt and I are back together, the bushes need to be trimmed.”  Ugh…PUKE!  Cynthia opts to have her arms waxed since her lawn doesn’t need to be mowed, anytime soon.  In the WTF moment of the episode, Cynthia is eating the sugar wax as if it were Lik-m-aid Fun Dip.  Kandi is wary, how would she know that the wax wasn’t in there from the last person’s “kitty kat?”  Umm…she wouldn’t, that’s why it’s ghastly and revolting.

fun-dip

It’s time for Porsha’s Bravo mandated event and they all gather at a mall storefront called the “Mystery Room”.  Everyone arrives in their yoga gear except for Cynthia and Kenya who breeze in wearing maxi-dresses, giant hats, and Cynthia Bailey Eyewear.  The purpose of the “Mystery Room” is to be locked in a tiny room for 30 minutes and work as a team to find and solve clues, leading them to the lock combination that will free them from said room.  Each room as a panic button they can press, which summons the poor chump stuck working the desk to enter said room and give them a freebie clue.

About ten seconds in, Team Porsha is ringing the clue button, and they continue to do so several more times.  After all is said and done, neither team succeeds and the party is breaking up.  This is the quickest get together I have ever seen, but wait…there’s more.  Before Kenya twirls on back to her un-done home, she decides she needs to “check a boo”.  Kenya confronts She by Shereé about all the trash talkin’ she did about Moore Manor and I can tell, now is NOT the time.  She by Shereé is in her workout gear and all pumped up.  She is wearing leggings as pants…need we say Moore?

leggins

They start going at it right out of the gate, it’s as if the Bravo intern prepped She by Shereé on the impending attack.  Get your best lines ready Shereé, the shit is goin’ down after you escape the Mystery Room!  It’s no tittie sweat off of her chest, She by Shereé is strong like bull.  She has an empty chateau full of insults for Kenya, and she zeroes in with laser-like focus on the lack of baseboards and trim at Moore Manor!  Kenya maintains “I don’t do trim!”  The acrylic fingernails of death are waiving, words “beyotch” and “HO” are peppered throughout the arguing!  Kenya throws out the “Chateau Thelma” jab, implying the house is in She by Shereé’s mothers name in an attempt to hide the assets from the IRS.  Geez, all we need now is Nene Leakes up in here, spewing some bitchy catchphrases from betwixt her Petco choppers!

Kenya has had enough and twirls out of the storefront, revealing her unsightly backfat.  She by Shereé wins line of the night – “bitch twirl on some mother*ckin’ baseboard!”

sheree-baseboard

Next week – an unwelcome Kandi Koated Factory visitor pops in, Matts sister labels Kenya a “cougar”, Papa Smurf is keeping in touch with Cynthia’s sister Malorie, and Kandi goes into the ugly cry.

School of Read

She by Shereé is still keepin’ it real where we left off and Kim is ready to cut a beyotch with her mouth, meaning she may spew some cutting words that only become part of her vocabulary when she is fully possessed by the real housewives mutant demon of death.  The latest rumor is that Chris is “fruity or gay”, as if they are all in 7th grade trying to win a spot at “cool girls” lunch table by having the juiciest gossip of the day.  Everyone is bailing out of the shit pot, acting as if they weren’t fervently gossiping about this the night before.  She by Shereé, Phaedra, and Porsha admit that they Googled Chris and read the words “fruity husband.”  Kenya jumps in, “we don’t care if he’s gay or if you guys having tax problems.”  Wait…what the wha???  Where did this “tax problem” thing come into play and why can’t Kenya say anything without throwing a backhanded shady curveball?!?!  Cynthia and Nene go on record that they defended Chris and Kim and wanted no part of this ugly conversation.  Kim pulls her “go to” move and leaves saying she has to get to bed because she has an early morning.  Like the last kid chosen for the dodge ball team, Kenya is left sinking in the shit pot by herself.

Kim - WTF

The next day, Nene, Kim, and Phaedra have breakfast and the two veteran housewives attempt to guide Kim toward a bully beat down and suggest she de-pants Kenya at recess.  However, the only one who really needs a good dressing down is Phaedra!  She looks like she should be twirling a baton and doing high kicks in a 4th of July parade!  Phaedra redeems herself by giving some solid advice and doing a spot-on impression of Kenya.  She advises Kim to chop the snake off at the head and say something to Kenya like “Listen honey, I am Baby Butterworth.  I came out the womb actin’ honey, but you came out actin’ a foo!”  Now there’s a solid insult.  Read school is in session and Nene plays the role of Kim, being calm and dismissive.  Phaedra takes the role of Keyonce… “I’ve been in two movies that went straight to blockbuster!”, then she starts twirling in her red, white, and, blue frock so fast that she may turn into Wonder Woman.

Phaedra Twirling

They all get a big cackle out of it, but Kim finds solace in her bible and prayer cloth, her elevator doesn’t go down to that level.

Meanwhile, Back in ATL, Kandi and Todd visit a European Hookah lounge to meet with the chef and try some of his cooking in hopes that he will be a candidate for their ill-fated OLG restaurant idea.  The OLG is on board, except for Aunt Bertha.  However, what Aunt Bertha is on board for is strolling into the empty Hookah lounge and shouting into the air at no one in particular, “I need a rum-n-coke!”  The chef serves the group various items including deviled eggs, French toast and chicken, salmon, ribs, etc.  Aunt Bertha fusses over everything, except the ribs.  Bertha throws some serious side-eye, still no sign of that rum-n-coke.  Nothing much more to side-eye see here, the gang decides they are moving forward, but plan to interview a few more chefs so that Kandi can get more of her chicken and waffle on.  Hopefully next time with some dippin’ sauce.

Aunt Bertha

Back in Jamaica, the gang is heading off to Dunn’s River Falls for the day.  But first, Kim must phone her hubby to refresh and nurture her “beautiful, uninfected spirit”.  She fills Chris in on the “fruity or gay” rumors and “folks jumpin’ on Google to determine if he was straight or not.”  Chris takes this as a compliment, rule #147 in life “if they Google you, they are shook!”  They have a good laugh and are grateful that they are the only ones in the cast who haven’t been thrown into Saturday detention.

At the waterfalls, everyone straps on their waterfall climbing shoes, but the women are all bitching that the water is too cold.  Porsha decides to crawl because it’s so slippery and she doesn’t want to perform the impromptu splits and blow the seam of her Fabletics spandex pants wide open with that corn fed ass.  Kenya and Matt, insisting on being the stars of gym class, scale their way to the top first and act as if they have won the Amazing Race or some shit.  It ends up alienating them further as everyone else uses the opportunity to bond and help one another up the falls.

Porsha - twerk on falls

After they complete their mission, Peter announces they are going to a Jamaican Jerk Chicken joint for dinner, that serves amazing chicken and allows the patrons to smoke fat joints.  At that thought, Gregg gets a burst of energy and he is ready to run to the chicken joint faster than Kandi wolfed down that French toast and chicken dish.  Once at dinner, the women and men separate.  Peter fires up a fat ass blunt and orders round after round of shots for the men, they start talking all kinds of nonsense and we get a drunken admission that Matt “loves Kenya” and Oliver isn’t sure if he can handle all of Porsha’s big bouncin’ ass.

At the mean girls table, Nene broaches the conversation about the Kim/Kenya feud and she invites Kim to put the bible down and put some stank on it.  Kim says her problem is that Kenya has crossed a line of disrespect, which won’t be tolerated.  Kenya, once again, cannot find it in herself to be civil and starts out being condescending, “congratulations on speaking for yourself”… Cynthia tries to interrupt Kenya, but gets a dodgeball straight to the kisser.  Kenya tells Kim that she is indifferent to her and they are simply at an impasse.  Kim feels there should be some level of respect that is “just basic”.  Cynthia reminds Kenya how she rudely pulled out Kim’s chair at their three-way “why don’t I get to direct the ‘mercial meeting”, which caused things to escalate quickly and turn physical.  Cynthia feels that Kenya owes Kim an apology, and then, like a Unicorn on roller skates, Kenya delivers an apology for moving Kim’s chair.  Kim is ready to move her own chair, she accepts the apology for now and quickly exits stage left, she has an early morning Algebra quiz.

Cynthia, her Mickey Mouse statement necklace, Nene, and She by Shereé make a pit stop back at the hotel to have some dessert and Cynthia can’t stop giggling about the dark chocolate balls.  Cynthia thinks Nene has transcended into “Iyanla Fix My Life level” and she wishes to consult her about confronting Kenya about her unsupportive behavior during the ‘Mercial shoot.

It’s the last night in Jamaica and Peter sets up a nice party for everyone and shows up wearing his best Papa Smurf blue suit.  After several cocktails and a twerk-off between the fire dancers and Phaedra and Porsha, they all take their seats for dinner.  Peter delivers a speech about how great the trip has been and he and Cynthia have their spark back.  She by Shereé even admits that the trip has been great and has brought her and Bob closer to reconciliation.  Sure, everyone can get along famously while lounging in tropical paradise on Bravo’s dime!

Peter Blue Suit

Peter reveals that Matt used the word “love” when discussing Kenya and Matt actually owns up to it.  He must have gotten an extra credit from Bravo.  Cynthia asks Kim when she will have some footage of the ‘Mercial, which segues into Cynthia voicing her concern over Kenya’s paddling out to Cuba rather than being supportive on the set.  Kenya says her feelings were hurt because she had two great concepts for Cynthia and she wouldn’t even hear her out.  You dumb beyotch, how about showing up to the scheduled pitch meeting if you are so hell-bent on being heard out?  Cynthia notes that she actually wanted Kenya to be in the commercial, but Kenya scoffs and thinks that changed after Nene returned.  Nene takes umbrage with that and reiterates that she has nothing to do with their rift.  Already having her name on the chalkboard and not wanting any check marks next to it, Kenya actually apologizes to Cynthia for letting her down.  Cynthia accepts the apology and thinks it’s genuine, but Phaedra feels that Kenya is just doing more bad acting!

Well that was a real showdown letdown… We are off next week due to the Oscars, so see you next time.  A lingerie photo shoot, finalizing the ‘Mercial footage, and Phaedra takes the boys to see Apollo.

Best Friends for Never

The gang is off to Jamaica this week and they all have their own ways of packing for the trip.  Porsha is bringing her Costco sized bucket o’ Nair, cuz she ain’t planning on covering up her corn-fed ass.  Peter is sporting the Huckleberry Finn look.  Cynthia is packing her finest caftans so she can conceal her problem areas – the fact that she has yet to inform Kenya that she is not hired to direct her commercial and the fact that Cynthia and Nene have taped together that tore up friend contract.

Peter - Huckleberry Finn

Kim is packing everything, including her hubby, kids, contents of the playpen, and her nanny.  Since this is allegedly a “couple’s trip”, Kenya brings her new faux-boyfriend, Matt, who has weekly rates.  She by Shereé brings her ex-husband, Bob “one eye” Whitfield, which is a bit odd she threw water in his face and hired Counselor Parks to sue his ass for child support.  She by Shereé tells us that Bob is trying to work his way back into her life, but I’m not sure why she would let him…fool me with your bad eye once…

Bob Sheree

After they arrive in Jamaica, they board the party bus from hell to head to their hotel.  As is customary for any shuttle bus ride, someone must haul out the commercial-grade shit-stirring spoon… Phaedra decides this would be the perfect time to ask Cynthia who has been selected as director for the commercial.  Cynthia announces that Kenya missed the pitch meeting so she is going with Kim.  Kenya is seething in her vinyl seat and begins concocting a way to be involved.  Porsha is more concerned about why she isn’t “modelin’ in the ‘Mercial”, but Cynthia is spared giving a response as they arrive at the Moon Palace and Peter’s pride kicks in and he starts talking about Jamaica, his home country.

Back in the ATL, Kandi is doing a bunch o’ shit we don’t care about.  Kandi and Todd have a serious case of FOMO and they wish they could be on the trip.  Later, Kandi admits she doesn’t miss the drama, but then she tells Todd that they don’t need a nanny and Mama Joyce can move in for the first month of Baby Tucker’s life.  Way to avoid the drama.  Meanwhile, Todd is out in the garage fashioning a noose out of Kandi’s old jeggings.

Back in Jamaica, Cynthia calls for a sit down with Kim and Kenya.  Kim arrives first and tells Cynthia she saved more on the budget, which sends Cynthia into school girl giggles, Kim is really impressing her.  Kenya saunters in and Cynthia explains that Kim is killin’ it.  Although Kenya doesn’t say it right away, I think she is taking umbrage to this!!!  Kenya is appalled at Cynthia’s “lack of respect and professionalism” by making her decision without even hearing her pitch, but Kenya fails to see that she missed the actual “pitch meeting”, where she had said chance to be heard.  Cynthia apparently packed a small section of her back bone because she lays it down for Kenya and tells her what a “lack of respect” Kenya showed by blowing off the meeting.  Kenya then launches into a full-blown, bunny-boiling, psychotic attack on Kim.  Kenya goes off six ways from Sunday and throws out stupid insults like a three-year old.  Kenya asks Kim how many commercials she has directed and Kim tells her GOOGLE ME and look at my IMDB credits.  They start arguing, talking over one another.  Kenya calls her “Kim Tootie Fields, did Mrs. Garret teach you how to talk like that?”  If those are Kenya’s best insults, she is really reaching.  Kenya must get some extra Bravo Bucks for behaving like a horrifying shit pile.  Kim says her elevator doesn’t go down to this level and opts to leave, while Kenya decides to pull Kim’s chair out from under her.  With her personal space being invaded, Kim walks away and Cynthia is left at the table, feeling mortified, winded, and bereft.

Kim - Riled up

Kim returns to her suite and erupts in a stream of angry consciousness to her husband, Chris.  She is so riled up, she lets an expletive fly and quickly covers her mouth like the toddler that flushed the hamster down the toilet.  Chris explains this isn’t a prison basketball court and Kenya is just butt-hurt.  He gets a bit riled up too and they cry out a hearty JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!

Meanwhile, Phaedra and Porsha are dancing around their suite and they are puffing up their hair like they are headed out for the third shift ho stroll.  They gossip about Kim bringing her kids, Phaedra is “befuddled” and points out that if Kim could bring her sitter, why couldn’t they have stayed home and they should be in school… “Get them off the breast and set yo’ nipples free!”  Oh Counselor Parks, you kill me.

Cynthia and Peter drop in to see Nene and Gregg before they surprise everyone at the group dinner from hell.  Cynthia drops the scoop about the commercial kerfuffle and Peter looks like he would rather have his balls shaved with an orbital sander than listen to this bull shit.  At the dinner, Nene and Gregg stroll in and receive some serious side-eye.  Even to more of everyone’s surprise, Nene announces that she and Cynthia have reunited in BFFL bliss.  Kenya’s head starts spinning 180° at the realization that nobody at the table gives a flying rat’s ass about her.

Peter turns the discussion to squashing the Kim/Kenya beef sangwich, but the now doubly butt-hurt Kenya would rather gouge her eyes out with spoons or light her ass on fire with a lantern than talk about it.  While everyone offers Kenya a spoon and a lantern, Kim tries to calmly explain the sitch, but Kenya and Matt leave the dinner entirely.  Phaedra makes a comment about Cynthia and Kenya being BFF and Nene goes into anaphylactic shock.  Cynthia tries to flip flop to diffuse the scuttlebutt, but Chris chimes in and tells Cynthia she is the only one who can crush all this commercial-grade beef.

The next day, they are headed out for a day trip to Kingston and they are all “getting ready”, translation = slamming drinks so they can tolerate one another.  Meanwhile, She by Shereé is workin’ harder than her color stay lip gloss to try and reclaim her peach!  She drops by Nene’s room to catch up and reaffirm that they have mended ways.  They discuss who is the real BFFL of Cynthia, and Nene deftly points out that Kenya is only a BFFN (best friend for now).  A real friend wouldn’t have put on such an attitude about directing the commercial.  Oh how the tables have turned, Nene claims to know what qualities constitute a real friend and everyone is clamoring for a friend contract with Cynthia.

Friend Contract

Cynthia gets a surprise at the door in the form of her sister, Malorie.  Apparently, Peter arranged for Mal to join them on the trip and no sooner than Cynthia can bask in her happiness of Peter finally “stepping it up”, She by Shereé is bustling over to Kenya’s room to be sure this fight gets started properly.  She by Shereé tells Kenya of the BFFL discussion she had with Nene and Cynthia is basically denying that she and Kenya are friends.  Meanwhile, Matt is laying in the bed looking like he would rather have a back alley colonic than listen to this conversation.

This news sends Kenya scurrying down to Cynthia’s room to confront her about the BFFL/BFFN situation.  Kenya excuses Malorie, but hands her a shiv she has fashioned out of a pooka shell and asks her stick close by in case she needs backup.  Kenya is stunned that Cynthia denied they were friends in the face of Nene’s reprise.  Cynthia tells her they are not BFF, but they are getting closer.  Kenya whines some more and Cynthia asks if she is “done” and then says they “gotta go, Peter is waiting.”  So I guess we’ll seal up this drama into a Ziploc freezer bag and save it for next week.

Next time – filming of the ‘mercial and She by Shereé informs Kim that the girls have been gossiping about Kim’s hubby “being fruity or gay”.

The Future is so Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades

Well everybody, the shady ladies of the ATL are back and who the hell needs a NENE when you have a TOOTIE?!?!  That’s right ladies and gents…we have a new ATL housewife in the ranks.  Kim Fields from the 80’s hit show “The Facts of Life” has joined the cast, although she is not joining the drama until next week.  We got a brief preview of the drama packed season and there isn’t enough false eyelash glue in all of the ATL to keep this shit together.

Let’s start with the taglines:

  • Phaedra: “Only God can judge me, and he seems quite impressed.”  That is sooooo Phaedra.
  • Porsha: “I’m about to give you life, so stay outta my way.”  She hopped off her crazy train and fought her way out of the Underground Railroad to reclaim her peach!
  • Cynthia: “Seasons may change, but Cynthia Bailey never goes out of style.”  Annnd…Cynthia Bailey is now talking about herself in third person.
  • Kandi: “I’m a hit maker, and this year I will reveal the best one.”  Baby on the way, sure to be her biggest hit (and weight) yet.
  • Kenya: “Don’t come for me unless I twirl for you.”  This twirling shit is soooo season five…

She is not on the intro reel yet, but Kim’s tagline will be:  “Faith, family, and career, those are the facts of my life!”  She and Phaedra will surely bond…FIX IT JESUS!

We get a brief catch up on each lady, Kandi is cleaning out her closet with fervor.  Many things must go to Goodwill because she has a baby bump and her 80’s clothes no longer fit.  During her doctor visit, we learn that she and Todd went through IVF and her bun in the oven is 12 weeks along.  We also learn that Todd did not have a relationship with his own daughter until she was older, must have been a real hood-rat, baby mama situation.  They are hoping for a boy, but may just have to settle for 10 fingers and toes…Dr. Jackie tells Kandi to cut back on her schedule and slow the hell down.  Well there goes the Kandi Koated Empire, down the drain!

Later, Kandi and Todd are cleaning out their garage, but Todd is storing a bunch of Apollo’s personal artifacts.  This segues into the fact that Kandi and Phaedra are not in a good place and Phaedra apparently never paid Todd for his work on a secondary fitness DVD.  When will these two learn to stop “helping” friends with work and expecting to be paid?  Have we learned nothing from “Tardy for the Party”?!?!?  Todd pushes Kandi to say something to Phaedra, but she is with child damnit, and refuses to be his goon.

Still later yet, Kandi prepares for Cynthia’s eyewear launch party drama brawl and struggles to find an outfit that will flatter her ever-changing figure.  The only thing that makes this scene worth mentioning is what Todd says, he scoffs at the dress sized “small” that Kandi has laid out for herself.  She claims that’s “all she has” and he says “babe you been to medium, stop playin’!”  Poor Kandi can’t even wear something and look cute.  She throws on a tent dress and looks like an insane housewife from one of the square states.

Porsha rolls up to Phaedra’s home in a Rolls Royce, hmm…Dish Nation must be paying her too much.  Phaedra says she and Porsha have “become bosom buddies, got milk?”  Ummm…I don’t even know what that means, but EWW!  Phaedra gives us an update, she is making her way through the craziness of life and if she can survive “garage mania”, she can survive anything.  We are treated to a revisit of one of my all-time favorite scenes in ATL history, when Apollo went nuts throwing around a bucket o’ hinges and revving a power drill at his soon to be estranged wife.  In Porsha’s world, she has a new 24 year old man who picked her up via Instagram, but she doesn’t know if she’s attracted to him with his clothes off, yet!  But enough about that, Porsha is ready to dish on Cynthia…

We see Peter barking at Cynthia while she is downing a glass of colossal wine and staring at her smartphone.  There is a video on Instagram of some chick whispering in Peter’s ear while he has his hand on her neck and then he runs his hand down her chestal region and there is clearly a boob graze.  FOUL ON THE PLAY!  “Papa Smurf is a little horny”, declares counselor Parks.

Peter is trying to minimize his behavior on the damning video, but Cynthia is dressed in black and ready to plan his Phuneral by Phaedra.  “It’s inappropriate and embarrassing!” she shrieks.  Cynthia has heard cheating rumors before and now she is a doubting Thomas.  See what I did there… with Peter’s last name being Thomas, and all…

Cynthia - Peter

Anyhoo, Papa Smurf has been spending a lot of time in Charlotte at Sports “I drained my wife’s bank account” Bar One, and Cynthia can’t keep tabs on him like she used to.  She is distraught about this video, more because of the gargantuan amount of shit she is going to catch from her cast mates.  However, the new sunglass mogul must soldier on… she has an eyewear launch party to plan, damnit!

But we digress… We get to meet Porsha’s new baby man, Duke, who has been sniffing around her wallet for about a month.  She paid for a hotel room near the city so they could meet there and relax, and so she doesn’t have to buy the Costco sized bottle of Oxy Clean to get the unsavory stains out of her own sheets.  Duke plays safety for the Buffalo Bills and he has the couth and sophistication of a kindergartener.  Porsha likes the fact that he’s so “into” her wallet and he appreciates her winning personality.  Sugar mama has the “cupcake” champagne and strawberries ready, but Duke has no idea he’s supposed to feed her the strawberries and he pops one in his mouth and he’s all like “wha?”  Porsha stops him and provides detailed instructions on how to pamper her.  Ugg…Porsha, he’s 24, the only thing he understands is “Netflix and chill”.  I think the final nail in his coffin here is when they trot off to the bedroom and he slings a Charlie Brown backpack over his shoulder.  Have we learned nothing from the Apollo Nida Backpack files?

Apollo backpack

Kenya is twirling down a shady road with passenger Cynthia so she can show off the ramshackle disaster foreclosure she bought in Buckhead, about 500 feet away from the stalled out Château by Shereé.  During the ride, Cynthia asks Kenya for her opinion on Peter Thomas video-gate, but Kenya smartly pleads the fifth.  She does offer to head out to Charlotte and beat his ass, however.  The two arrive at Château by Shereé and surmise that it is about finished, but not lived in.  After they pull up to Moore Manor, Cynthia is a bit taken aback at the structure before her lying in the ditch.  Kenya guarantees it will be fabulous when her renovations are done, but Cynthia is too preoccupied with the brown recluse spider trying to make a home in her weave.

The Cynthia Bailey train is on the move on the Underground Railroad and she meets with her sister Malorie for a quick counseling sesh.  Cynthia straight up asks Mal if she thinks Peter is cheating and, of course, Mal is going to bash the ever lovin’ blue shit right outta Papa Smurf.  Mal starts asking probing questions and she finds out that Cynthia is in love with Peter, but she is not attracted to Peter’s naked, disgusting, shriveled up body.  Ummm…DOUBLE EWW.  Cynthia doesn’t consider the damning video as a deal breaker and she wants to make her marriage work.  Mal holds Cynthia’s weave away from her face while she has a good cry.

Later, the ladies arrive at Cynthia’s eyewear launch shindig, but Cynthia is MIA.  She is applying Preparation H to her under eyes to reduce the puffiness from her Peter tears.  Everyone seems to be getting along well, at least they are being cordial.  Marlo “check my charges” Hampton shows up looking like she got into a fight with a roll of UL Certified electrical tape.  Kenya starts up about her house and she renames Château by Sheree as Château She Can’t Pay.

Peter shows up to the event and rolls off the elevator as if he’s Kanye…oh wait, he’s not that bad.  Kenya, the ever talented welcoming committee, launches into Papa Smurf right out of the tree and they have an argument.

Kenya-Peter Argue

Peter walks away pissed off and Kenya and Marlo run off to dish all the Papa Smurf dirt to the group.  Malorie sidles up and has apparently had a few too many glasses of the mystery punch and she tells the group that Cynthia is revolted by naked Smurf man.  While the ladies puke in their complimentary goody bags, Cynthia makes her grand entrance in a flowing white caftan, which she slings over her shoulder to flash her nether regions and reveal she is wearing a white bikini.  Feast your Cynthia Bailey eyewear on dat’ ASS!

She by Shereé arrives and some are excited to see her, some not so much.  Kenya can’t help herself and starts in on She by Cant’ Pay immediately.  She tells She by Shereé that the whole neighborhood has been complaining about her broke ass Château and the fact that it’s not finished.  She by Shereé stabs back at Kenya claiming she has a mold infested house and then we’re off… as if Kenya slashed her air mattress, She by Shereé goes into her howler monkey voice.

Sheree Argue

As the random drama over dilapidated McMansions intensifies, Kandi resorts to her trustiest coping skill and she makes a beeline for a passing by platter of chicken thumbs with dipping sauce.  It continues to get crazy between the two wildebeests and She by Shereé almost throws her drink at Kenya.  WHO GON’ CHECK ME BOO?!?!

Check Me Boo

Next week, Kim Fields enters the scene and Phaedra and Kandi finally face off.