Commander of the High Seize

Kenya decides to skip up the road a piece to antagonize her favorite neighbor, She by Shereé.  She by Shereé is seen sweeping her front porch since she still doesn’t have the keys to the front door.  Kenya taunts her by running around the unfinished home trying to get inside.  Girrrl-puh-leaze, have you not seen She by Shereé snatch a wig?  Kenya realizes her wig-glue is nearing the bitter end of its 12 hour staying time and she stops the chase to have a serious conversation that ends in a bet to see who moves into their dilapidated broke-down home sooner.

Chateu.jpg

The last to move in has to sweep the other person’s front porch.  Kenya then invites She by Shereé to join the crew on a boat outing on Lake Lanier.  Kenya touts the celebration as some sort of odd, ill-timed, bachelorette party, part two for Cynthia.  Yes, for Cynthia, who is contemplating divorce.  Oh hell, we all know this is a patented Bravo mandated outing to get them all stranded at sea, drunk as “Da fuq”, and fighting like rabid mountain goats.

Meanwhile, across town, Porsha and Phaedra have taken the training wheels off their respective skankmobiles and they meet up for some adult shopping at an eclectic store called “Junkman’s Daughter”.  It’s full of gently used role playing gear, marijuana paraphernalia, and ammo.  Sidebar:  Phaedra looks like she just crawled out of the dollar bin at Goodwill, somewhere… Rachel Zoe is lit-truh-lee die-ing.

Zoe Died

Porsha wants to buy a sexy outfit that will allow easy access to her fish taco in preparation for her Skype sesh with Duke-y puke-y, but Phaedra warns that she is making it too easy for the li’l tyke and should play hard to get.  The “prey is sittin’ there waitin’ to be caught, lyin’ on the bed in her socks!”  Counselor Parks’ words ring true as we later see a stood up Porsha, fretting in her sparkle bra and tartan plaid mini.  Porsha phones Counselor and receives a sage diagnosis, “the thrill is gone, Chile!”  Translation = the boy fled for the hills after that creepy, cheerleader, Lucite trophy presenting party you threw him.  Now put your big girl clothes on and update your Tinder profile.

Phaedra later hosts Kim Fields and children for a play date and Phaedra has a lifeguard on staff so they don’t actually have to watch their kids.  Lawd knows Counselor Parks can’t be gettin’ her weave wet!  The two ladies chat about carpool and making delicate sandwiches sans crust.  When Counselor Parks drills down to the essence of who Kimmy really is, the two find themselves dabbing Kimmy’s tears.  She has no friends, she has lost her identity in being a REAL housewife, (oh the irony!), and her goal in life is to not look or smell like unwashed asshole.  Phaedra suggests they have a day for themselves, “nothing to do with our uterus, but just you and us.”

It’s the day of the boat outing and Kenya has arranged for the gals to travel in two separate shade throwing cars.  Kenya picks up Cynthia and her “stray”, Tammy Browning.  Tammy is a hood-rat who claims she has no idea what “throwing shade” means and she claims that Bob Whitfield (She by Shereé’s ex-hub) is her BFFL.  Then, in a masterstroke of bitchery, Tammy says that She by Sheree is nuthin’ but a gold digger and only married Bob for this NFL cash.  SHADE THROWN!  For a shade throwing rookie, beyotch got a strong arm!

In the other mini-van ride from hell, Kim has a chance to chat with Kandi and discuss how much she admires her bidness woman status and her adult toy line.  Kim is beating around the bush (pun intended) and she asks about Kandi’s “products”.  Kandi encourages her to try the vibrating panties, but Kim doesn’t like wearing underwear.  Kandi suggests starting small, a “tiny instrument”, so as not to intimidate her hubby, but Kimmy’s quandaries continue…she is very LOUD.  Okay…someone get Tootie some social skills…STAT!

Everyone arrives at the dock and Captain Don, Commander of the High Seas, is ready to take the wild mountain goats out for their spin.  The crew starts drinking immediately and heavily, except for Kim and Kandi who do not imbibe.  Kenya is off to a roaring start and could not be a more ungracious host.  She announces to the group that Shamea Morton, (Porsha’s stray) is persona non grata because she was not invited.  However, it’s perfectly fine that her BFFL Cynthia brought stray Tammy, who is creepily annoying and has more disgusting feet than Claw-dia.

Tammy hones in on Kandi with laser focus… “I met you 20 years ago when you were with X-Cape”, “do you have a label?”, “I’ve got to get my son (who is managed by none other than Bob Whitfield) in the studio with you!”  Kandi shuts it down like an illegal day care center – no budget, no discussion.  She by Sheree shows up and the awkwardness between her and Tammy is as thick as Porsha’s corn fed booty.  Tammy keeps talking in her deep man voice and reveals that her hubby is white, in fact he is the “whitest man in America, Nazi white.”  Porsha is like “da fuq?”

DaFuq

Kim tries to sneak away to read her library book and eat her pre-packed snacks, because throwing back countless shots on a speeding boat with a crew prone to fist fights ain’t really her jam.  Kenya catches her, confiscates her library borrowed copy of “50 Shades”, and casts her Ziploc containers overboard.  How dare she bring her mommy snacks when Kenya has catered this lovely affair with pre-packaged dry goods from Trader Joe’s!  The rest of the gang is equally as sloppy and Kenya and Shamea get into it over a towel.  Shamea calls it a “fake towel”, comparing it to the fake products at Kenya’s hair line launch.

Kenya pulls a handbrake turn and puts a screeching halt to any fun being had.  She calls Shamea out about the negative energy she brings and Shamea counters with “okay Miss America”.  Which of course that sends Kenya over the edge, twirling up to the Captain, and she demands to have Shamea escorted off her boat.  Captain Don, Commander of the High Seas, is all like “Da fuq?”

The group elects Cynthia to attempt to talk Kenya down and as she rises to the occasion, Porsha lets off a playful “bitch” to Cynthia, since all of these stupid bitches have been playfully calling each other “bitch” all damn day, but NOW Cynthia decides this “bitch” has crossed the line!  Never mind this “bitch” or that “bitch”, here a “bitch”, there a “bitch”, everywhere a “bitch bitch”, but this particular “bitch” was clearly not uttered in jest and Cynthia has gone full blown, bunny boiling psycho to prove it!  Cynthia clearly needs to take a “woosah” and Kim guides her to the back of the boat and promises to read the tampon scene from her “50 Shades” library book in order to calm the hell down.

The rest of the gang talks Porsha into half-ass apologizing to Cynthia, but the convo sinks faster than Cynthia’s marriage.  Porsha ends up calling Cynthia “fake as f*ck” in her snappy li’l underground railroad voice.  Cynthia attacks her “fake ass chin” (Da fuq?), ET fingers start waving, acrylic nails are poking, and then it gets physical.  Oh but it’s a playful type of thunder-punch you in the throat.  As the ladies grab each other, we are left hanging with “TO BE CONTINUED!”

Cynthia-Porsha Fight

Next week, the deck hand tackles bucking slopopotamus, Porsha, to the ground, Phaedra who wasn’t there appears to take Porsha’s side, and it looks like there will be Cynthia/Porsha face off at another dinner table from hell.

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Issues and Tissues

The hot mess express has reached its final destination on the underground railroad…finally!  Let’s round up the low lights:

  1. The Rotten Peach

Lupeter is salivating into his wife’s wig, waiting to address the cheating rumors that Phaedra was throwing around like cheap pocketbooks.  He notes that if he were to cheat, he would go big or go home and hook up with J-Lo or Beyoncé.  So not only is Papa Smurf annoying, he is delusional.  Lupeter goes over his lifetime information sharing limits when he tells us he would rather jerk off than get with one of his Bar None waitresses.

Peter-saying

  1. Half-Assed, Half-Breed Apologies

Kandi and Todd update us on their flourishing marriage, they are working on a baby and Kandi is undergoing fertility treatments that have fattened her up and have caused her boobs to grow larger than Nene’s swollen ego.  Todd speaks out about the half-assed apology Mama Joyce gave on camera, but Kandi wanted to make yet another excuse for her mother’s appalling behavior.  That half-assed apology given on camera was done when Todd’s mother was still alive, as if that makes it acceptable.  Only after Todd’s mother passed way, did he get a three quarters-assed apology.  Gregg Leakes spoke at Sharon’s funeral and wanted to go on record that Nene tried everything she could to get out of Broadway to be at the funeral.  Phaedra couldn’t make it either, but she assisted with making the proper arrangements complete with bedazzled prayer cloths.

Later, we reflect back on Nene’s malevolent alter ego…NayNay, making an appearance in Puerto Rico and she gets some heat for calling Claw-dia “half breed”.  Nene can’t bring herself to offer an apology to Claw-dia, but she gives her patented dead-in-the-eyes apology to all the viewers she has offended.

  1. Deep thoughts with Gregg Leakes

“Faults are like headlights on a car, you can only see the other persons.”  Can someone put his shock collar on him and throw him behind his electric fence?  He has clearly been sitting behind Nene too long, inhaling her wig glue fumes.

  1. End of the Road Friendship Contract

We once again belabor the point that Nene and Cynthia are dunzo.  Cynthia feels the incessant need to rehash their fall out, blow by blow, so that she never has to repeat it again.  Here’s a brief synopsis:  Lupita beyotch, Cynthia should be fired, food off my table, I’m wrong, you’re right, burn baby burn.

  1. Freindtervention

Dr. Jeff joins the group and Nene confronts him about how the therapy sesh was poorly handled.  Then, like a one legged rickshaw driver, Nene completely breaks down.

Nene-Breakdown

She refuses to talk, and the group must have a rehearsal because they are all in on the fact that Nene didn’t have a relationship with her mother and this is why she has to be carried off the stage.  As she is walking out, everyone gathers around her except for Kandi and Claw-dia, who are taking the opportunity to adjust their Spanx and check their texteses.

Nene-Walk off

Dr. Jeff and OHAC get the backstory from Gregg and it turns out that Nene’s mother had five children and couldn’t handle them all so she sent Nene and her brother away to be raised by their aunt.  This abandonment issue has plagued Nene for years and she never understood why she was sent away.  Cynthia whisks Nene into the ladies room for a makeup re-touch and Dr. Jeff and OHAC declare this as a “Breakthrough!”  It’s a Christmas miracle!  Cynthia teeters on her 8” heels back to the stage to update the rest of the group, who incidentally, don’t give three hot, wet farts.

The dramatic music is cued as Nene returns to her perch.  Cynthia gives her a pep talk, telling her how great she is and how she has it all, reverting back to the Cynthia that lives up Nene’s ass.  Claw-dia, realizing she hasn’t said two lines during the last two parts of the reunion, gives her own version of a pep talk and declares that they should not be fighting, but connecting on this common ground.  Dr. Jeff rounds it out by saying that we all have a story and if you don’t talk about your story, it will continue to contaminate all of your relationships.  Nene just can’t help herself…despite her total mental breakdown, she collects herself long enough to beat a dead horse.  She asks Dr. Jeff if he would have handled the counseling sesh the same way.  He placates her by saying that since he now knows what her needs are, he would adjust accordingly.  So basically, now that he knows she’s a raging drama queen on stilts, he would gladly stroke her ego for $175 per hour.  With that, OHAC sends him off in a pneumatic air tube back to shrink-land.

  1. Last Ditch Efforts

As this 90 minute torture sesh winds down, Cynthia decides to apologize to Phaedra for the pain she caused, given that Phaedra had her roughest season ever.  Thank God for caffeine enemas to pull a gal through!  Phaedra notes that she is still dealing with a lot of crap, but “I walk in gratitude because pressure builds diamonds.”  Sounds like someone has found their opening tag line for next season!

Claw-dia feels she has grown and will be creating a vision board with an illustration of herself, clinging her peach tightly in her falcon toes.  Kenya has learned understanding, forgiveness, and never to say never.  Porsha feels everyone has had a breakthrough, including her…breaking through her clothing she purchased from the Forever 21 clearance bin.  Kandi equates life to a roller coaster with ups and downs and she looks forward to the future.  Nene admits she did not see her breakdown coming and appreciated the support when she returned to the stage.  Until she is talking shit about everyone the minute she gets off the stage.

Talk-n-Shout

Welcome back to the set decorated entirely from the clearance bin at Pier One!  A lot of talk during round two, and no action.  Let’s round up the low lights:

  1. Charitable Donations

Kenya takes Nene to task for not writing a check for charity and calls her “rotten to your core.”  Nene claims that if she is going to make a charitable donation, she doesn’t feel the need to announce it, and she’ll do it when she is dayum ready…mmmmkay!  She neglects to add that her “Celebrity Apprentice” check went toward her new Petco teeth.

  1. Cynthia 2.0

Cynthia 2.0. has found a new clique, a clique that kicks Phaedra while she is down.  Cynthia claims that when she presented the rumor about Phaedra’s affair with Mr. Chocolate, she was presenting her the opportunity to “shut it down and keep it movin’.”  Phaedra is clearly pissed and there’s a lotta talking over each other.  Cynthia winds the round by telling Ms. Parks to “win a case”.  Cynthia has clearly forgotten Phaedra’s biggest win this season… Some Rando vs. Hairburglar, Derek J.  These ladies are gonna cause me to catch a case.

  1. Friends for Never

The Ace Boon Coons, Kandi and Phaedra, are still on the outs…the waaaaay outs.  We flash back to the clip where Phaedra actually got emotional over having a shortage of friends who give a crap about her and she learned that when her chips were down, it was Nene who was there to support her.  Kandi’s voice starts rattling and she explains that there were other things going on in her life besides the cancellation of her horrible musical, “A Mother’s Love”.  She too, had a fambly member going to prison, a crumbling marriage, and apparently she dropped her iPhone in the toilet and changed her number and never informed her BFFL.  Phaedra gives one of her patented “at the end of the day” speeches, but Kandi appears to be done with her.

Kandi-Upset

  1. Friend Swapping

No it’s not yet another new reality show, but the wives seemed to switch friends more often than they change their wig glue.  Cynthia has moved out of Nene’s ass and into Kenya’s genetically modified one.  Nene got tight with Phaedra and has “evolved from the Nene of yesteryear.”  Phaedra notes that she and Nene became close because of where they are both currently “seated in life”.  Yea, seated at the reunion from hell.

  1. Lupeter and the other Househusbands

No, Lupeter is not the latest winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race, but it’s a new nickname for our very own Papa Smurf, Peter Thomas.  Peter is still peach-less, but he ain’t speech-less.  He isn’t afraid to say whatever the F*CK he wants to say, even if it means getting into the women’s bidness and looking like a punk.  Speaking of looking like a punk, poor li’l Todd looks like he needs a booster seat, you can barely see him over the back of the couch.  Anyway, Lupeter reiterates… “I don’t give a F*CK!” and Cynthia shoots him the death glare and threatens to wash his mouth out with the dirty sink water from Bar One.  I guess Lupeter missed social poise day at the Bailey Agency for wayward models, where Cynthia sells “pipe dreams to little girls”.

  1. Sex, Lies, and Color Copies of Fabricated Texteses

Phaedra denies ever compromising her marriage for an unknown Mr. Chocolate and claims that she still loves Apollo.  She thinks Apollo doctored the texteses, but Todd pipes up and says “he came by with color copies.”  Phaedra addresses lunging at Kenya with her pocketbook over Brazilian meats and notes that she was at a breaking point.  Mainly due to the meat sweats, but earlier that day, Apollo had refused to turn himself in, Bunn ran up on her perfectly manicured lawn with his crotch rocket, and Apollo had run toward her with a drill.  And let’s not forget the bucket o’ hinges!  Kenya doesn’t buy the “breaking point” excuse for bad behavior, after all, a blind man could see that Phaedra had time to get to the Mexican spa for a boob job, despite spinning power drills and flying hinges.

Lupiter

  1. Everybody Flirts

After Phaedra continued to call Kenya a whore, Kenya starts yelling “Everybody flirts!” and then draws Nene in by saying she flirted with Lupeter.  Nene rears her Petco choppers back, Gregg secures her earrings, and Nene gives Kenya a very loud “HOLD UP!” accompanied by a waving acrylic fingernail of death.  Nene will not be disrespected, she is NOT PHAEDRA, as she throws her new BFFL under the prison bus carrying Apollo.  Gregg says he doesn’t care if Nene was flirting because “I won”, to which Kenya retorts “I’m glad you think you have a prize.”

Nene-Flirt

Next week part three where Nene breaks down talking about her mom.

I think I’m Turning Japanese

Part one of the reunion was as tired as the Asian inspired set, comprised of old items scavenged from the P.F. Changs remodel at the Cumberland Mall.

Group Photo - Reunion 1

Let’s break it down shall we…here are the top five moments:

  1. Montage of Hair

The Bravo intern assigned to housewives duty will have to work another summer without pay, Bravo has blown it’s budget on a satirical wig commercial.  It’s mildly amusing, the best part is the voice over at the end, “Beware of hair burglars.  Do not attempt to glue wigs to your forehead.”  Wigs subject to being snatched.”  Kenya admits to wearing a clip in piece to supplement her own 24” hair, and I am sure it’s quick release in the event someone gets dragged up in this bey-otch!

  1. Nene is now in the NFL…No Friends Left!

Kandi calls Nene out for her stank superiority complex and she makes a face like she just smelt Nene’s unwashed asshole.  I think Kandi is a little stung over her recess buddy, Phaedra, bonding with Nene over the hell of a nasty divorce and Nene throws it in her face a bit saying “you wouldn’t understand”, but lest we forget that Kandi is your girl if your ex-fiancé dies.

Nene won’t shut up and they get into the “I SEE YOU…”, “WE SEE EACH OTHA…” pointing of the index finger adorned with a way too long acrylic nail.

Kandi-Attitude

  1. Let’s Get Physical

Phaedra chats about Apllo’s greed ultimately being his demise and we revisit his crazy rant with power tools and hinges that not even his pal, Bunn on a motorcycle, could contain.  Understandably, Phaedra’s number one concern is her children and she admits that she hasn’t filed for divorce yet.  Maybe there will be a reconciliation in season 110!  OHAC asks Phaedra if Apollo has ever gotten physical with her and she refuses to answer…is this a case of “silence speaks volumes”?  She still hasn’t taken the boys to visit their father because, like, well, Kentucky is far and icky.  It might snow, her tazer might be confiscated, and hell let’s just crab boil it down…she just doesn’t want to.

  1. Rotten Peaches

Porsha gets a seat on the couch and talks in her usual tone…all kinds of crazy.  She is dressed like she just emerged from a children’s movie about forest nymphs who wear shower curtains to protect them from flying scepters, whirling pocket books, and possessed rat-infested weave scraps.

Claw-dia puts Porsha on blast for dating a married man and notes that she is [ahem], “a journalist” and she used her best investigative reporting talents to get Porsha liquored on a few cocktails in the Philippines and singin’ like a canary.  Great work Jordan, you’ll be collecting your Pulitzer during open mic night at Zanies in no time.

Porsha discusses her dating life and claims she was dating an athlete and then she said something about an Asian… I lost interest quickly, but did get a chuckle out of Phaedra doing the head swirl while saying “mmmm …get me some Chinese!”  I don’t’ know if she’s hungry or horny.

  1. Kenya is the Best Whore EVA!

Probably the second best moment after the wig infomercial was the whore calling.  Phaedra tells Kenya “the Bible has a lot of whores, you’re in good company.”  Kenya fumes and comes back with, “If I was going to be a whore, I would be the best goddamn whore EVA!”  Ain’t that the truth!

Rallied Up

Noelle homecoming.  Cynthia freakin’.  Kenya offering tips.  Cynthia freakin’.  Noelle modeling.  Noelle twirling.  Noelle walking in high heels on wood floor!  Cynthia rehearsing.  Keyna shrieking.  Kenya attitude coaching.  Kenya teaching twirl.  Cynthia teaching how to walk.

Noelle

Later… Cynthia closet.  Summons Peter.  Peter notes her ass got bigger in Philippines.  Douche nozzle.  Help Cynthia with fake Jamaican accent for role in Kenya’s pilot.  BLAH.

Kenya shooting fake pilot.  Ordering Production Assistant around like a red headed stepchild.  Cynthia can’t act.

Cynthia Acting

Nene and Gregg are at Sardi’s in NYC, Gregg daydreams of Nene being on the wall someday, but she is already snapping her fingers at the manager asking him why her picture isn’t on the wall NOW!  Their son, Brentt, is with them in NYC and Gregg thinks he needs rules and supervision, but Nene is a bit offended.  Gregg promises to watch over Brentt and instead of a family pinky swear, they engage in a French fry huddle.

French Fry Huddle

Phaedra back at work fake lawyering away and she calls in her assistant to relive the glory of her caffeine enema.  Phaedra is now refreshed from her mind to her bottom and she is ready to spearhead a “men’s rally” to empower minorities and adolescent boys who are fatherless.  She recounts the story she heard from the guide on the Philippines tour and she is fully inspired now that she has joined the ranks of “single parent”.  Phaedra contacts David Johns, White House Czar, for assistance with her rally.  He is all in and Phaedra suggests they brainstorm, circle back around, hammer out some details, and then drop some more buzz words and catch phrases in effort to appear as if she is really working on this.

Kandi is prepping for a “date night” with Todd and she calls in a stylist who shows up with a selection of outfits from the Forever 21 Ho Stroll Collection.  Todd has been in L.A. working and Kandi thinks “distance makes the panties get hotter”, when in reality it is causing her remote control panties to short out, presenting a fire hazard.  Riley walks in on the fashion show and thinks her mom is showing too much cleavage.

Kandi Cleveage

Later at the dinner date, Todd presents Kandi with flowers and they are excited to see each other after two weeks apart.  They both order “the salmon”, translation = we’re gonna get freaky tonight so we don’t want to eat too much.  Of course Kandi’s ass is growling and she orders a side of mac-n-cheese.  Kandi discusses the Philippines trip, but she still needs to “relieve some tension”, to which Todd responds, “are you ovulating?”  And just when you thought their romance was dead!  The conversation to follow is just odd and sad… Kandi mentions that she didn’t think they would make it to their one year anniversary and Todd mentions that his show was greenlit for another season, which means more time in L.A. and away from Kandi.  But what about the baby?  Todd doesn’t have time, they already have a blended family, he’s building his empire, and he still has that pesky Mama Joyce shrapnel embedded in his spine.  Kandi thinks they need to see each other at least every two weeks and he suggests she trot her ass out to L.A. for a while, but Kandi doesn’t want to leave Riley, although Todd points out if there were a move role in L.A., Kandi would be out there faster than she puts the mac-n-cheese down her gullet.  Kandi reminds Todd, “don’t forget the appointment with the fertility doctor tomorrow!”  Good lookin’ out…

It’s the day of Phaedra’s S.O.S. (Save Our Sons) rally charity event extravaganza.  Phaedra Parks takes the stage, but not without some fanfare.  She walks in escorted by a drumline and says a few words before handing over the mic to Judge Mathis, who prepares to tell these kids how to stay out of negative environments (irony, anyone?).

Judge Mathis

Meanwhile back in the kitchen, Phaedra assembles the ladies to serve up the lunch plates, because what better place to have a cat fight than the lunch lady line.  The ladies take their places, Nene is assigned to rolls, Cynthia beans, and Porsha, appropriately, is on meat.

Phaedra starts serving the plates while the panel is speaking and Peter decides to take the microphone and interrupt the speaker by saying “not to take the mic and interrupt, but…” and he continues to imply that the boys in the room are unintelligent rubes.  What an ass of epic proportion.  Judge Mathis…Ass whoopin’ at table 12!

Peter Mic

The only person Claw-dia is interested in serving is Nene, with a full plate o’ ass on blast.  She confronts her about storming out of the Dr. Jeff therapy sesh and they get so loud that the people in the main event room can hear them.  Ladies, ladies…has no one ever taught you how to work a lunch assembly line?  The chitlins be gettin’ cold!

Kenya arrives late, just as Nene is storming out because she has had enough harassment and her wig glue is melting after standing over the hot Sterno cans.  Phaedra and Porsha trail after Nene as she tells them that she is in a “good place in her life” and she doesn’t need “all the negativity”.  Nene hops in her black Escalade and heads for the airport.

Claw-dia continues to berate Nene in the kitchen, calling her “new money”, meaning she doesn’t know how to handle her success.  Another volunteer comes back to the kitchen and tells Claw-dia to shut up and plate up.

Next week is the season finale before 83 part reunion, Nene takes the Broadway stage, Kandi heads to L.A., Apollo calls peter from prison, and Life continues to twirl on into crazy land.

Hearts of Darkness

We begin this week with the ever domestic Porsha preparing a “just add water” frozen meal kit so she and gal pal, Phaedra, can catch up on all the latest dirt.  Phaedra is all about the Cynthia bashing, stating she was throwing hand signals and she’s all “about ‘dat life”.  She can’t understand Cynthia’s hostility, after all, even Phaedra’s mother supports Cynthia by “purchasing clothing from the plus size catalog that Cynthia models for.”  BURN CYNTHIA…YOUR EXPLODING ASS AND ALL!  Okay Phaedra, as if you should talk, you have far surpassed muffin-top region and entered into busted can o’ biscuits territory.  Phaedra goes on to claim she has dirt on Cynthia and Peter, but “no one is going to put out a story about fibroids and dry vaginas.”  The two say grace over their plate of Hamburger Helper and pray that it be calorie free.

Kandi suggests she and Todd begin their homework assignments given by Dr. Sherri and they start with the pro and con list.  Todd rolls his eyes and says “that was whack!”  Kandi lists a con for Todd, he’s mad all the time and won’t let it go.  While Todd’s con for Kandi is that she won’t deal with a damn thing, which explains why he’s pissed off all the time.  When asked to list a pro – Todd is completely stumped and then weakly busts out with “very family oriented”.  In the same breath, he mutters that he “has to get to a meeting”.  Kandi seems to be familiar with her own cons, “won’t deal with her mom”.  Somewhere in the ATL, Mama Joyce and her sisters are throttling up their “told you so” wrecking ball.

Across town, Nene shows up at Phaedra’s looking like the bride of Frankenstein was caught in a catfight.  Maybe she got a jolt when she was trying to wrestle Gregg back inside the electric fence.  The ladies discuss the hilarity of waving pocketbooks over Brazilian meats, but Phaedra has no remorse, she was “on the run” after Apollo went HAM (Hot Ass Mess) in her garage.  How dare Cynthia have the audacity to talk such foolishness!  Phaedra is no longer “on the run”, but she has a severe case of the sads.  She has to turn to Nene for support now that her “ride or die” BFFL Kandi has been MIA.  Of course Nene uses the opportunity to showcase what a great friend she is, but Phaedra doesn’t realize that Nene is in the “NFL” (No Friends Left).  If Nene were such a great friend, she would give Phaedra some guidance on her earring choices.

Nene-Frankenwig

In more Kandi-land dysfunction, Kandi drops by Phaedra’s lawyering playhouse to find out what the beef is between them.  Kandi can’t speak to her ol’ pal without her voice rattling.  They chat a bit and Phaedra explains that Kandi was not there during her time of need when Apollo went all HAM before he went Ass-under.  Kandi explains that she was dealing with the trauma of the death of her dream, “A Mother’s Love”, and she had the chore of laying off masses of third-rate actors.  She had to stash what little millions she had left under her mattress and find a way to move on.  Phaedra pretends to be sympathetic, but there Kandi goes again, putting her career and money before those who are closest to her.  They eventually get back to the script and agree to move forward.  When asked if she will participate in going to the group therapy with Dr. Jeff, Phaedra replies that she doesn’t need to be around “these dark hearts”.

Meanwhile, Claw-dia is contemplating suicide as she discusses attempting stand-up comedy with her co-worker Gary.  Claw-dia can be mildly amusing at best, but she does not have the constitutional fortitude to make it as a stand-up comedian.  She feels stifled on the radio show, however Gary explains that Ricky Smiley is the star and she should abort any ambitions of being the comedic relief.  Stay in your lane home girl, Ricky got ‘dis!  In this segment, we see Claw-dia with a new look for her one-on-one with the camera, and she has a black dress and wig and finally looks descent.  If she can look that nice, why does she walk around looking like a skank who fell ass backwards in the clearance bin at Forever 21?

Later, Claw-dia meets with her pal, Luenell, who comes in the bar lookin’ like a low-rent Miss Cleo.  She hoists herself up on the bar stool and she has to “manspread” so that her gut has a place to hang.  Luenell pulls no punches, she doesn’t like the Rickey Smiley show, Claw-dia should jump off a cliff before attempting stand-up, and Lu needs her drink so badly that she can’t take a moment to take the wrapper off her drinking straw.

Claudia-Lu

We later see Claw-dia do a practice performance at the “Uptown Comedy Corner” and by the looks of their sign, it appears the place is located in a third rate strip mall that has massive potholes in the parking lot.

It’s time for the group therapy session with Dr. Jeff and the last 15 minutes of the show.  Dr. Jeff forewarns Nene that she will be “held to the same standards as the other ladies”, translation = I will put your ass on full-blown elephant hose blast.

Claw-dia is wearing her “fix it Jesus” earrings to protect her and Kandi copes by hitting the buffet.  Nene starts the group off with her chief complaint, which is that “we hear all this stuff about being a grown ass woman, but the woman-ness has not been displayed.”  The whole thing goes completely off the rails before Kandi can even get to the dessert table.  Kenya reflects back on the drunken laughing between she and Nene at the tavern when they agreed to be friends, then during their next encounter, Nene looked at her as if she had the deadly Ebola virus.  Nene is sitting by Dr. Jeff as if she is a facilitator and not part of the issue.  Her plan is to keep the candy bowls full while Dr. Jeff works is magic and tells everyone else how wrong they are.

Nene-Dr.Jeff-2

Dr. Jeff drills it down and tells Nene that it isn’t that tough to admit that you were working toward a friendship, and you actually had… like… feelings.  Nene goes on defense toward Dr. Jeff, “you don’t know me like ‘dat!”  Now we have reached DEFCON 3 –Jerry Springer level.

Kandi-stunned

Claw-dia confronts Nene for giving her the cold shoulder and calls it a bi-polar experience, which sends Nene over the edge.  Dr. Jeff’s solution to control this seething cauldron o’ crazy… “let’s not mix apples and oranges”.  Well, isn’t that what we are doing here, Dr. Jeff, Master of the Obvious?  None of these ladies should be, or would be, friends outside of this show.  Friends don’t let friends tear out each other’s weaves.  It’s time they all admit defeat and forgo the Bravo paychecks.  Dr. Jeff asks the group to be “very careful with our words”, or they will all be in a time out in the corner.  Cynthia apologizes for her part in things that have caused a rift with Nene and she goes back to the dreaded charity event where Nene called Peter a bitch.  Kandi joins in by airing her grievances, stating that Nene throws friends away as if they are worn-out, soiled wigs.  Nene goes complete DEFCON 4 – Maury Povich level, and feels attacked.  She calls Cynthia a mean girl and sarcastically asks “did you find your voice yet?”

Dr. Jeff tries to summarize by saying that there were some very strong friendships that have fallen out and Nene pulls the ripcord on her paratrooper jumpsuit.  Attack Nene Day has officially come to an end, brace for impact!  Dr. Jeff gets on his Dora the Explorer walkie-talkie and radios his Psychological SEAL team “secure the perimeter, we’ve got a runner!”  He follows her out to the freight elevator and we are left with “To be continued…”

Nene-Bye

Next week, Nene threatens Dr. Jeff’s license and Phaedra files for divorce now that Apollo is ass-under.

Salute to Ignorance

I don’t like filler, I don’t like it in my Brazilian meats, I don’t like it in my new pocketbooks, and I certainly don’t like it in my housewives.  Alas, that is what we have this week… a whole lotta nuttin’ goin’ on!

Cynthia tells us about Peter’s greatness and his upcoming “Salute to Excellence” awards dinner.  Many people don’t know that Peter Thomas is the co-creator of “Source Entertainment”, which spawned the prestigious “Source Awards”.  Well, my “sources” tell me that this can’t be much of a deal, ‘cuz Papa Smurf be broke all da’ time!

Meanwhile across town, Phaedra and Porsha meet up to rehash the swingin’ pocket book over Brazilian meats event and Porsha calls Kenya a dawg for getting involved, but “a dawg gonna do what a dawg do!”  Phaedra is now pissed at Cynthia and thinks her change in attitude is due to becoming “Ace Boon Coons” with Kenya.  Interesting sidebar:  They bleeped out “Ace Boon Coon”.  There’s not much happening here, Porsha coughs and says she has Ebola, to which Phaedra responds “Girrrl, not the Ebola!”, if only…

Kandi and Todd visit Dr. Sherri to get some counseling so they may “adjust” to being married.  Todd looks like he would rather have a back alley colonoscopy performed by David Duke than be in this therapy sesh.  After the usual hemming and hawing between these two boring dolts, Todd brings up his agitation over the prenup.  Long story short, the money/work thing is causing tension and it’s showing up in the bedroom (or lack thereof).  Kandi is still suspicious of Todd’s doings in L.A. and she says “Whatever is said in the dark, always comes to the light.”  Dr. Sherri gives them some homework, which consists of a date night and there will be no phones or social media allowed.  She also advises them to create a pro and con list about each other, which has great potential to backfire.

Kandi-Todd-Counseling

It’s the night of Peter’s big “Salute to Excellence” event, which is fairly un-eventful.  Claudia shows up with her boobs poppin’ out, Kenya looks like a giant banana peel, Demetria has a bumble bee thing goin’ on, and Kandi looks like she smuggled a bushel o’ peaches, or two, under the back of her dress.  Cynthia is the only one with any sense of style, too bad her social skills don’t match her shoes.  Peter is standing around, acting like a douche in general, saying “Cynthia’s ass has exploded since she moved to Atlanta.”  Just for that, I think she should take him out for some Brazilian meats and swing away with her handbag.  Kenya brings up the confrontation with the crazy “bag lady” and Peter immediately excuses himself to find Todd and make a mad-dash to the bar for a refill.

Awards-Ladies

Peter asks Todd if Apollo told him about Phaedra’s alleged affair.  Todd confirms he knew about the texteses as if it were yesterday’s news (and he gets line of the night) “yeah, he came to the house with color copies”.  Color copies, as if the printing job from Apollo’s li’l ink jet that could, added to the veracity of the texteses.  Then to add fuel to the fire, Todd explains that Kandi also saw said color copies!  Insert dramatic “dunt dunt dunt!” music here…

Dun dun dun

Meanwhile, Kandi staves off the wild bobcats and tells them she ain’t gonna pick sides and … what affair?  Cynthia, of all housewives, tells Kandi she should be calling Phaedra out for wrongdoing even though “she’s your girl”.  Saved by the dinner bell, they sit down for the banquet and Kandi whispers to Todd that she has been “kicked out of the circle”.  To take her mind off the evil conspiracy, she is called up to the stage to receive a “Salute to Excellence” bullshit award.  She gives a speech revering Peter and Kenya sarcastically tells us that Kandi should win an award for “the most loyal friend everrrr!”

We circle back around to Nene who is full on with her ramen noodle toupee.  She visits Dr. Jeff, the Psychologist who gave her and Gregg some prior family counseling.  Nene discusses the housewives with the good doctor and invites him into the circle of death.  Dr. Jeff salivates at the thought of the large paycheck a session with this group will surely yield.  He forewarns Nene that he isn’t going to co-sign on anyone’s bullshit and he is not afraid to put an ass on blast!  Little does he know that he may have met his match and he may not come out of this psychological threshing machine alive.

Nene-Dr.Jeff

Speaking of ass blasting… Cynthia summons Phaedra for a meet and mend so she can explain that she was just following the script.  Phaedra, being a Christian woman, has agreed to attend, but is sadly expecting an apology that will never come.  Cynthia attempts to lay out some ground rules about “having a conversation”, but she makes no sense as usual.  She defends her actions and then these two hyenas get into banter back and forth where they wield the phrase “fact check” like a sawed off shotgun.  Phaedra can’t take it anymore and declares “court adjourned”, buh bye, take several seats!

Phaedra-Seats

Kandi is milling around in her “Tags” boutique, she figures she should pay attention to her other bidnessess, now that her musical has officially failed.  Right on cue, in walks Mama Joyce to whip off her overnight Depends® and take a ginormous dump on Kandi’s day.  Mama has fixed up the old house, but now she wants to stay there and will not be moving in to that disposable new house that Kandi just bought.  Oh and by the way, you suck, you’re so critical, and you never come around.  Hmmm…Mama, it ain’t rocket science here.  She doesn’t come around because you are crazier than a Walmart wedgie wielding crack house rat and you are an endless pit of negativity!  Wait for it… Kandi’s voice starts shaking as she tries to address her mother, then Mama comes out with a lousy peace offering by way of the key and garage door remote to the house that Mama doesn’t want anymore.  How ya’ like me now?

The last 15 minutes are the most critical, the dinner table of death at Uncle Julio’s.  Odd items to note:  Kandi rolls up in a huge white Ford F-150, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I have never seen her in a pickup truck.  Porsha is channeling Carmen Miranda, wearing a banana yellow crop top and skirt, and Claw-dia and Demetria are present for who the hell knows why.  Everyone is in place, except for Phaedra and Kenya, who weren’t invited to this life-sucking waste of time.  Nene begins addressing the group and Cynthia has had a bit too much salt with her margarita.  She keeps interrupting and combating Nene and Kandi mutters “let’s not start” as she stuffs a quesadilla in her mouth.  At the end of the day… Cynthia is all in for the group therapy with Dr. Jeff, but Kandi doesn’t think she needs any part of it because she can simply eat her feelings.  Nene convinces Kandi that she is going to have some nasty splinters up her ass from riding that fence that will likely become infected.  Kandi rolls her eyes and caves in like the li’l wishy-washy mogul she is.

Kandi-Agrees

Next week, Nene sports a Bride of Frankenstein wig and an ill-fitting jumpsuit, Kandi confronts Phaedra about their rift, and then – in the most SHOCKING twist EVA – The therapy sesh with Dr. Jeff goes off the rails when Nene is called out and she storms out!

Chocolate Puddin’

As usual, the last 15 minutes are the only real substance here, but we have a few things to cackle about, so let us wade through the nonsense and get to the good stuff…

Kenya and Cynthia stop by Claw-dia’s apartment to confirm she is not homeless; luckily, the Bravo Production Assistants buzzed by Rent-A-Center and got her some pre-assembled furniture.  The ladies sit down to gossip and Claw-dia breaks down the Dish Nation party, while breaking down herself.  She weeps…the stress…high school…can’t take it anymore.  Claw-dia…HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?  Have you seen this show?  Let the chips fall where they may, but Claw-dia stands in her truth, which is that Porsha is a straight up ho.

Later, Claw-dia meets with Rickey Smiley for advice with her struggles on-and off-air, Rickey encourages Claw-dia to give Porsha a blanket… apology that is…to dispel the awkwardness.  What better time than right now, Ricky summons Porsha to his office and asks her for some chewing gum.  Porsha produces a jar of gummy bears from her purse instead and Claw-dia cannot believe she has to make nice with this idiot.  They attempt to address the tension, but Porsha insists they don’t work together, they work “in passing”, and she is furious that Rickey is involved.  The ladies talk over one another before agreeing to squash the beef, for works sake only, and Rickey forces them to join hands in prayer.  Awkwardness.  Not.  Dispelled.

Kandi and Todd are packing up for L.A. because Todd hooked her up with a part in a movie called “Second Chance Christmas”, so now Kandi can learn all about the movie biz for when she and Todd produce their first feature film, “Divorce Papers”.  Kandi wonders why Todd’s packed sneaker quota horrifically out of proportion to their planned one-day stay, and Todd drops the bomb that je is staying in L.A. an extra week, without her.

Later, when Kandi returns from L.A., sans Todd, she catches up with Carmon and reveals that she and Todd clashed the whole trip.  AND…Kandi and Todd are not getting anywhere on their baby making progress either.  Kandi doesn’t think Todd is cheating on her, but they are lacking in communication and intimacy.  Carmon suggests counseling because Kandi’s version of “working on things” is to just pretend as if they are not happening.  BLAM…Carmon served up Kandi with some BEYOTCH PUDDIN’!  Somewhere in the ATL, Mama Joyce is wielding her “I-told-you-so-Wal-Mart-Wedgie-of-Death.”

Blam Bitch Puddin

As if we give a shit about what Kenya is pretending to do, we have a small scene showing her hard at fake work writing her fake scripts.  Poor thing thinks she has writers block, but really, the weave is too tight.  She calls her brainy friend Brandon to mull over some strategic product placement and she would like to use a Kandi Koated dildo.  She pulls out said neon pink dildo, holds it to her face like a phone, and asks Brandon “can you show a dildo on TV?”  Again, Kenya… have you seen the show you are on right now?  Later, Kenya holds fake auditions and these tragic actors don’t even realize that this train wreck won’t ever leave the station.  The actors all deliver the same line “I’m lactose intolerant”.  Sorta like “these pretzels are making me thirsty”.  Cynthia waltzes in to audition for her own part as a Jamaican beauty salon owner and she is dressed the part with full on yellow, red, and blue makeup.  Her hair is a rats nest and she is dressed in an old carpet remnant she janked out of the dumpster at her local “Denny’s” restaurant.  Of course, Kenya and Brandon go donuts over Cynthia and offer the part in the show that will never exist.

Pretzels

Across Town in Phaedra land, it’s 10 p.m. on the eve of Apollo’s final day “on the Plantation” and Peter received a squirrelly call from Apollo, so he takes Apollo out for a drink.  Apollo confides in Peter that he went through Phaedra’s phone and found out she is having an affair, and he has copies of all the TEXTS TO PROVE IT!!!  Among the damning evidence, she is texting some man named Chocolate, saying “the countdown begins”, “next week I’ll be off the plantation.”  At least Apollo is convinced this is damning evidence; BLAM…the Proof is in the Pudding, Bitch!

Beyotch Puddin

Peter is trying to drive and avoid dying in a fiery crash as Apollo is waving around hard copies of the texts and showing him the texts that he forwarded to his own phone.  Peter simply cannot believe what he is hearing, “I need my glasses for this, you got me f*cked up right now!”  Yeah, us too, Papa Smurf!  There is no way these texts were fabricated by some run of the mill con man!  Apollo even confronted Phaedra and she learned from the best… deny, deny, deny.  She told him that this “Chocolate” man is some African dude who isn’t even in the country.  I guess the big “gasp factor” over this is that Phaedra has been runnin’ her mouth about other cast-mates actin’ like hoes and here she goes doing the same.  Heck, everybody knows that Phaedra is a walkin’, breathin’ double standard.

Sexual Chocolate

Apollo is so worked up, he starts talking crazy, “people kill people over this shit, like love crimes!”  Peter tries to talk him down, but something tells me we are going to see Apollo on a special edition of “Snapped – When Husbands Lose Their Shiz”, only on Discovery ID.  Two hours and 12 tequilas later, Peter returns home and tells his lovely wife what he learned about Phaedra.  Cynthia did this:

Cynthia-Stunned

The next day, it’s 4 p.m. – do you know where your soon to be ex-husband assailant is?  Phaedra and her trusty assistant check over the condition of her house and they are confident that Apollo is long gone.  Phaedra has hired a locksmith and garage door opener guy to change the locks-n-fobs so that she can feel safe.  Later, she plans to hit the gun range with her “medicinal sawed off shotgun” and freshen up on her shooting skills.  As Phaedra busily plans her afternoon, Apollo pulls up and storms at Phaedra, ranting about how this is crazy…changing locks-n-fobs!  How dare she lock him out of his house that he won’t have access to for EIGHT YEARS!  He rants and flies around, squawking about how he changed everything on the house, every screw, every nail, EVERY HINGE…and as he becomes more and more and more UNHINGED, he actually dumps a 10 gallon bucket o’ HINGES out on the garage floor to further cement his point.  Now that’s irony…

You would think that was the most disconcerting part of the episode, but oh dear reader, we are just getting warmed up…Phaedra decides she needs to phone a friend, and she calls Apollo’s friend, “Bun”, who happens to be across the street hiding in some bushes.  Bun comes over and gets Apollo out of the house, while Phaedra is muttering “fix it Jesus, deliverance LAWD!”  Just when she thinks he is gone, he comes back in his car and Bun flies up behind him on a crotch rocket.  What kind of low-rent Dynamic Duo is this?  Apollo storms around in the house again and walks around aimlessly revving a power drill.  He then approaches Phaedra slowly and creepily, whispering “don’t call the police”.  JESUS.  TAKE.  THE.  WHEEL.

Apollo-Don't call police

Phaedra appears calm, but underneath that collected exterior, I am sure she’s quaking in her Uggs.  She doesn’t know what he is capable of and at this point, he has nothing to lose.

Next week, Kandi and Todd continue to struggle with their marriage, Kenya confronts Phaedra about Mr. Chocolate, and Phaedra lunges at Kenya with an open fist.

The Gift of Discernment

After a much needed break last week, we are presented with a big snooze-fest episode, which focuses on li’l breadcrumbs o’ drama and misfortune…mile-markers along the highway to hell.

Kenya twirls into another fake meeting with Roger Bobb at Bobbcat Productions, wearing a bright coral capelette that looks just as insane as her eyeballs and script ideas.

Kenya-Pink Capelette

Her ideas consist of the inane “Three Brown Girls”, who are sisters with the last name “Brown” and “Life Twirls On” – yes, yes it does and hopefully without you.  Of course, “Life Twirls On” is about a circle of mean girls who torment the show’s star because she is so fabulous.  The “Mean Girls” consist of “Nono, a 50 year old, cross gendered, pole dancer”, Athena, “a slick talking, jack of all trades, mortician, notary public, preacher who starts devastating rumors”, and Dee dee, “the dingy woman who thought the underground rail road was an actual train.”  Actually, Kenya, that show is already in production and well Madge, you’re soaking in it!  Roger follows his script and feigns interest before saying “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” “I’ll have my lawyers call your lawyers.”

Later, Kenya and Brandon continue to pretend to look for office space, but settle in at a coffee shop to fake discuss Kenya’s fake flop of a meeting at Bobbcat.  After “flushing out the ideas” with Roger, ugh it’s fleshing out, although flushing is what should be done with her weave and ideas…Kenya decides she will write her own script.  They briefly touch on casting Cynthia in a part, but Kenya doubts her acting ability since she was only on “The Cosby Show” once, but didn’t have any lines.  Must have been all the drugs Cosby gave her.

Across town in another shameless Bravo “Married to Medicine” crossover, Phaedra visits Dr. G to seek counsel on how to tell her sons about their no-good, low-down, dirty father.  Dr. G’s best suggestion is to explain it as adult time-out with bars instead of windows and he advises that she should let the boys see their father, otherwise they may hold it against her someday.  Phaedra doesn’t want to “meander around prisons when I’m not being paid to do so” and she certainly doesn’t want the boys to think prison is an acceptable place for them to meander.

Phaedra-Contemplates

Meanwhile, Apollo visits the only divorce lawyer in the ATL, Randy Kessler, to discuss his options.  He is due to turn himself in at a federal penitentiary in four days, but is worried Phaedra will file for divorce when he is locked up.  That is about the only thing he is right about.  Attorney Kessler points out that his defense will be that Phaedra accepted his criminal past when she married him, what did she expect?  This is where I wanted Kessler’s paralegal, Thad Woody, to stand up and say, “hey, what happens on the air mattress at 2 a.m., stays at the air mattress!”

Later, Phaedra gets together with her mother for some sweet tea and plot furthering.  Apparently, Apollo has threatened to burn down the house, he has punched holes through the walls, and has been acting psychotic in general.  Pastor Regina fears for her daughter’s life and her grandsons and insists that they get the hell out of the house.  More on that next week…

Nene and Porsha get together at a place called “Cotton & Corn”, which seems rather unappetizing and stereotypical.  Nene is more interested in the menu than she is Porsha, and she already plans to return the next day for a pork chop with a fried egg.  For now, they will settle on some grits and establish that Dish Nation is throwing a party to honor Porsha, but Nene can’t possibly attend because of her Broadway gig.  Porsha hopes Claw-dia will have enough sense not to show up and the two sea-hags discuss how Claw-dia doesn’t have a car and Cynthia has a no-good husband who is using her and drying up her modelin’ coin.  Porsha throws mad shade at Claw-dia and Kenya saying they have, as Mama Braxton would say… “laid it low and spread it wide”, and consequently can’t find a man to marry their 40 year old used up asses.  I think Porsha is speaking a little out of turn in regard to what makes a woman “marriage material” and Nene is no better, she divorced Gregg because she got bored and re-married him when she didn’t get enough “winks” on Match.com.

Nene-Menu

Kandi and her miniature hubby Todd discuss the “Mother’s Love” tour, which has crashed, burned, and gone straight to hell in a hand cart.  The bunk promoter they hired off of “Craig’s List” doesn’t have enough capital to keep the show going, thus the tour is cancelled.  I can’t even imagine the mob scene when the 13 people who purchased tickets come beating down the door at the Kandi Factory demanding their refunds.  Kandi is pissed as hell, and she is on a diet, which is not a good combo.  A Slim-Fast shake is not gonna get you through this one Girrl.  Get out of her way, she needs a cupcake.

Later, at the Kandi Factory, Kandi has finally styled her hair in a much better way and she tells her staff that the “Mother’s Love” tour is in the sh!tter because the promoter is not financially prepared to continue.  Don Juan jokes that Kandi doesn’t give up control over anything “except to the li’l man she sleeps in the bed with”, so how ironic it is that the tour flopped.  Don Juan continues to torment Kandi, “well Aunt Bertha told me maybe it was a scheme, that Todd set up for them, to come at you, with the bullsh!t.”  We flash back to Aunt Bertha saying this, which is hilarious…and Kandi’s entire staff agrees, they are rolling on the floor laughing like hyenas.  Kandi and Todd glare at the staff as if they are ready to thunder punch each of them in the throat.  I’m bit confounded as to why Kandi doesn’t go into her mattress and bankroll her own tour.

Kandi-Not Pleased

Claw-dia summons Derek J. to work with her on her edges and weaves for the big Dish Nation party.  Despite her hatred for Porsha, she does work at Dish Nation, so she will attend the party to show support and further the drama between her and the nit-wit.  Derek J. shows up looking like a reject from America’s Best Dance Crew and he throws a “Kardashian” wig on Claw-dia, to which she exclaims, “now maybe I can get a black man!”

Claudia-Wig

Derek slides a little jab in there and adds “or maybe a man”.  They discuss the implications and complexities of wearing a wig around a known wig snatcher (Porsha) and Derek agrees he will make the wig an easy release.  Claw-dia is armed and ready, “you come for me, I’m gonna point my gun at you, it’s huntin’ season.”

Ok the last 15 minutes…the Dish Nation party from hell.  Claw-dia shows up while Porsha and her whole family throw side-eye.  Claw-dia waits for the right moment to confront Porsha head on, Claw-dia congratulates her and Porsha calmly explains that she has “the gift of discernment”, which allows her to weed out the negativity from her life.  Claw-dia explains she is just trying to be cordial and out of respect for their common employer, they should try to work it out.  This is fairly uneventful and is interrupted when the 80’s called and asked Claw-dia for their earrings back.

Claudia-Earrings

Next week – buckle up for a real slapdash sh!t show…Claw-dia cracks under the mean girl pressure and Apollo foregoes his prison surrender, to instead confront Phaedra about her texting affair.

Burn Baby, Burn

The ladies have returned from Puerto Rico and Nene only has a small showing this week, which is okay because I’m sick of looking at her ill-fitting wigs.  Man servant Gregg has been let out of the basement for some sunlight, exercise, and to pick up Nene at the airport.  As she teeters through the parking garage, she begins to rehash the vacation drama as Gregg just nods and smiles.  That’s right, agree with everything she says and you might get an extra blanket to keep you warm in the basement.  Nene actually does acknowledge that her comments about Claw-dia’s va-jay-jay were way out of line and Gregg nails it, “sounds like NayNay came out!”  WORD!

Meanwhile, Cynthia rehashes with hubby Peter and her trouble making sister, Mal.  Cynthia serves up a mix of Puerto Rican rum and Welch’s pink lemonade as they enjoy hearing about the epic reading delivered by newcomer Claw-dia.  Yes, she read the legendary Nene within an inch of her ass and Peter decides he likes Claw-dia already, struggle toes unseen.  Mal, handling the bidness end of things, inquires on the status and validity of the infamous friend contract and we are treated to a flash back of the signing ceremony.  Hair and makeup was much less complicated back then.  Mal runs to Cynthia’s Rubbermaid tub of important papers and discovers the friend contract, Cynthia grabs it and deems it appropriate that the friend contract leave this world the same way it came in, ready to spontaneously combust like flammable adhesive barely holding on to a ramen noodle wig.

Burn Contract

In Kandi and Todd news, they pay a useless Bravo cross-over visit to Dr. Jackie from “Married to Medicine”.  Apparently Todd needs to have his swimmers tested since Kandi is ready, willing, and able to conceive.  Dr. Jackie gives Todd his choice of sample container sizes, junior miniature, passable intermediate, and “Mandingo style.”  Umm… Eww.  Todd is sent marching to the “mastrubatorium” and Dr. Jackie furnishes him with EZ glide and hand sanitizer so he can serve up a sample.  After finding out that Todd is cleared for takeoff, Kandi summons Riley and Kaela to the kitchen for the awkward moment of the night.  She asks the girls why they are avoiding each other, and oh by the way, get out the glitter glue and help mommy create her ovulation calendar!  Umm…Eww.  Kaela addresses why she and Riley don’t hang out, it seems Riley spends most of her time holed up in her 400 square foot bedroom staring at her 60” flat screen TV which receives 4,832 channels.  Later we see the gang having some family time at the go-kart track and Kandi surprises Todd with a belated birthday present, a brand new Corvette.  Todd seems less than enthused and they clearly have a skewed family dynamic.  It seems Kandi’s solution to strained family relationships is to buy their happiness and love with lavish presents.

In Phaedra-land, she is checking in with her latest client, Derek J., to remind him to keep documentation to prove the “hair burglar” claim is hurting his bidness.  Everybody knows all we have is “our good name and a good pair of pumps, girl.”  Her mother drops by to shoot the shit and they discuss Apollo’s impending self-surrender date.  Meanwhile, Apollo attempts to soften an awkward discussion by plying his boys with fro-yo.  He explains to Ayden that daddy is “in trouble”, which is why he will not see them until they are teenagers and have children of their own.  All this translates to in li’l Ayden’s mind is that daddy will be in permanent time out.  He is trying to impart to the boys that he loves them, blah, blah, blah, but Ayden has such a cheerful disposition, all he can focus on is his brother and his tub o’ fro-yo topped with gummy bears and sprinkles.  Apollo needs to relinquish his place on the show, do this shit in private, and just go away.

Ayden-Yogurt

Cynthia is planning a road trip to Charlotte, NC for the grand opening of “Sports One”, which is Peter’s new sports bar version of “Bar One”.  As we like to call them “Failure #1” and “Failure #2”.  Cynthia dials up Kenya, who answers the phone “this is twirl”.  Umm… Eww.  It’s a three hour drive to Charlotte, which Twirl scoffs about, and then she demands a five star hotel, wardrobe, and a full hair and makeup team.  Cynthia bursts her twirling bubble by telling her they will be at the Holiday Inn Express with some wet-naps and a comb.

Later, Kenya arrives at Cynthia’s house for the road trip and Cynthia reveals that she has packed extra clothing to include a few pieces for Claw-dia in case she needs to borrow something.  Translation, Claw-dia is a bit challenged in the fashion department, which would mean that Nene’s Puerto Rico insults may have been on target.  They pile into Claw-dia’s rental car and realize they can’t possibly make it to Charlotte and spend 12 hours applying makeup, gluing on hair, and be on time to the opening of “Failure #2”.  Cynthia calls Phaedra to see if she is en route, but Phaedra has a “dentist appointment” that she can’t cancel and then she has bible study.  Kenya reaches for Cynthia’s phone and hangs up on Phaedra and calls bullshit.  But really, who wouldn’t rather have a root canal than attend yet another opening for yet another one of Peter’s doomed bidness ventures?

Heck, these gals are on a road trip, and they need to do road trip like things.  To hell with being late!  They need to make a pit stop at the Chic-Fil-A to order the entire menu twice, Kenya needs to wedge her stallion booty out the window of the moving car, and she must request to hear her own song at the gas station so she can twirl out of the sunroof while singing off key.

Road Trip

Meanwhile, in Charlotte, the opening at “Sports One” is on and poppin’ and Peter has invited his buddy and new bidness partner, Kordell Stewart.  Ugh…I can smell Kordell through the TV, it’s a hard mix of designer imposter Drakkar Noir and damp dog.  Back at the hotel, Cynthia and Kenya start dressing up Claw-dia, as if she were “Completely Given up on Life, Hot-Mess Barbie”.  Cynthia is hoping Claw-dia can meet a quality man at the new sports bar because “sports bar means ballers”.  Actually, Cynthia, sports bar usually means hammered overgrown man-babies playing darts and pissing on their Nike’s in the parking lot.

The ladies finally show up to the bar, albeit three hours late.  Kenya and Claw-dia latch on to Kordell immediately and eventually, all five of them sit down at an oversized table.  They have drinks, but don’t need appetizers, because they throw Kordell on the grill with a li’l basting sauce, and ask about his dating status.  Kenya is pushing for Claw-dell to become an actual thing, but we all know that our resident twirling nut job only wants to see Claw-dia and Kordell unite because it would send Porsha (Kordell’s ex-wife and Kenya’s mortal enemy) into such a tailspin she would wave a scepter at herself and proceed to rip out her own weave.

Kordell hints that he would be interested in the formation of Claw-dell, but single Claw-dia exercises her good judgment skills and notes that it could get a wee bit messy since she and Porsha ignore each other in the bathroom and kitchenette area at work.  Peter cannot get enough of Claw-dia and as he gushes over her, Cynthia tries to reel him in.  Proving Claw-dia is our winner this season, she makes light of Peter’s drooling affection toward her and jokes that she has bad feet and corns on every toe, thus diffusing the situation.  The gang leaves Claw-dia and Kordell alone and they decide to take a selfie and exchange numbers, with the caveat that Kordell cannot be calling Claw-dia after 11 p.m. and be all heavy breathin’ an’ shit.  Claw-dia later rejoins the girls and they toast to friendship.

Selfie

Next time, Kenya takes another fake meeting with Roger Bobb, Kandi has a meltdown over a staffing issue, Porsha and Claw-dia engage in a good ol’ fashioned meow-down, and Apollo threatens Phaedra.