Silence is Golden

The Goo-boo-chays and the Gorgas hog out over some Chinese food and everyone is a li’l feisty over the fact that Juicy Joe isn’t there to get sloshed and crash face first into the floor while attempting a cartwheel.

joe-cartwheel

Milania cracks open her fortune cookie with brute force… “young girl who miss father should take off on quad like an animal.”  Which is precisely what she does with her li’l sis Audriana, hanging on for dear life on the back.  Joe stops her in the driveway to talk her off the ledge and assures her that if she ever wants to engage in reckless behavior, she can call him and he will be there.  Let’s blow this pop stand TOGETHER!

Back in the kitchen, Melissa and Tre discuss the impending re-done home warming pawwwty at Dolores’ place.  Tre wants to bail because the thought of seeing Jacs’ face makes her want to hurl up her egg foo young.

Dolores’ pawwwty is symbolic of her gaining 10% of her financial independence back and moving out from under her ex-hubbys thumb.   Dolores’ grandmother arrives at the party and not a moment too soon.  Such a charming lady who has lived through 102 years of this bullshit and shows no signs of slowing down!  Siggy sits grandma down and gives her the play by play, she may live through another war tonight.  Jacs has lost her voice, what a shame.  She arrives at the pawwwty wearing her new tee-shirt, which she purchased at http://www.passiveaggressivetees.com.

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The Wakile’s arrive with Rosie and Laura in tow.  Joe Gorga makes the rounds to say “hello” to everyone in an attempt to be civil, but Jacs snubs him.  Jacs leaves to go “lay down in the car” and Kim D., troublemaker extraordinaire, trails behind her leaving this shindig rather uneventful.  Chris pulls Joe G. aside to vent about Vermont and express his hurt over not hearing from Joe.  Joe gives him the “man to man” talk, understands why he is sticking up for Jacs, but she went “buck wild” on Melissa and was totally out of line.  Joe keeps his cool and shuts down this awkward “man to man” confrontation like a deft presidential debate moderator.  Melissa and Jacs were both wrong and they need to air kiss and make up.  When Joe Gorga is suddenly the voice of reason, honey you know your shit is f*cked up!  Jacs starts honking the horn outside in the car and Chris hightails it out like a dog to a dinner bell!

man-2-man

Tre and Milania are cleaning out their garage and Milania starts knocking empty water gallon containers off a shelf with a broom stick as if she has ‘roid rage.  Tre tries to pacify her and asks what she can do to make her time without her fawwwther easier.  Milania puts her foot down, “NO ONE WILL REPLACE MY DADDY!”  No one is trying to replace him dear, but mommy just wants you to chill the f*ck out!

Later, Tre is making breakfast for the girls, Milania rejects it because it’s not like daddy makes.  Tre says “I’ll make it wet like daddy.”  Oy, I could go so many ways with this, but I think I’ll just go vomit.  Milania lists the reasons why she misses dad, and now we get to the true crux of it all – Milania has to do all his extra chores.

Siggy spends some quality time with her mother, she pays some coiffeur named Sergio to curl her hair and then she takes her out for kale salad.  Siggy gets all emotional when she is around her mother because she doesn’t feel her mom takes enough time for herself.  I am emotional at the thought of eating kale.

Dolores’ holds her “Ladies’ Night” at the gym, and she’s feelin’ right!  Dolores calls Jacs to see if she is going to show up and Jacs lets her go to voice mail while pretending to sleep off this deadly case of laryngitis.  Jacs really has this “alienate everyone” routine down to a science.  Tre is ready to teach a yoga class and Doles picks this inopportune moment to confront the uncomfortable situation with Robyn.  Tre is summoned to the full yoga class and the awkwardness is cut short.

There is a short scene that reminds me of my life, Melissa is hard at work on her laptop and Joe bellows from the bathroom that he needs help.  She drops what she is doing to find him in desperate need of her help in shaving his back.  Call Milania, she’ll grab her five speed back shaver, tear through every nicely manicured lawn in Jersey, and be there in under 10 minutes, or the shave is FREE!

Dolores and Siggy are on their way to the Envy fashion show of terror and Dolores reveals that Jacs is not speaking to her.  Jacs accused Dolores of setting her up to make her look like a no show, when in fact Jacs DIDN’T SHOW!  Yeah, process that for a minute.  Jacs was also upset that her mug wasn’t on the janky flyer, which looks like a four year old produced it on her “Barbie’s first computer:” and a malfunctioning ink jet printer.  What. The.  Acutal.  F*CK.  JACS?  Dolores admits “we exchanged words, they weren’t nice, I lost my temper, f*ck you, I said actually.”  Jacs is clearly losing her shit and Dolores, whom I have lovingly dubbed “bitch ain’t havin’ it”, wins the night!

dolores-wtf

Next week is the finale to all this nutbaggery.  The Envy fashion show of terror, Tre may put McManson on the market, Jacs continues to passively aggressively alienate her cast mates, and Siggy schedules a friendtervention.

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Kernels of Truth

We are dealing with the Vermont fallout this week.  Dolores and Siggy still reeling, both in a four-day depression.  Siggy has put on her fedora of truth and over-analyzed to the point where she has convinced herself that Jacs is mad at her.  Jacs hasn’t replied to Siggy’s frantic texts.  Siggy left her fambly to attend this three-ring shit show, now Jacs is giving her cold shoulder, and we aren’t talking about her top.

siggy-fedora-of-truth

Dolores, the ever emergent voice of reason this season, cautions her pal about going at Jacs with both barrels, hear her out first.  Siggy lived in the petting zoo and has now entered “do not feed” section.  Dolores has clearly got the Dr. Phil grip on this group.

dr-phil-hillbilly

We flash back to 2011 when Tre and Jacs sat on the deck and waved the acrylic nails of death.  Dolores sums it up, “one person has to eat it, somebody has to say they were wrong, and neither of them will do it.”  Dolores wants to stay out of it, she’d rather stay home with her re-done kitchen and her dawwwgs.

Later, Siggy and Dolores take their shit show on the road and pay Jacs a visit.  They wait so long for Jacs to answer the door, they take the opportunity to do a few squats on the front stoop.  Jacs finally lets them in and they take a seat on the patio of confrontation.  Chris and Ass-lee stand by in case anything erupts, but Siggy just wants an explanation for Jacs’ radio silence.  Jacs admits she was in her own world and had to go through the seven stages of grief.  Tre and Melissa’s nose are dead to her.  Any way you slice the cured salami, this relationship is a hot mess on wheels, and Siggy will continue to be in the midst of an emotional car crash the longer she lingers.

Over at Envy, Jackie lets Melissa know that internet sales are zilch, zero, goose egg!  OH and by the way…Jackie will be in the Bahama’s and won’t be around for the fashion show.  Melissa is totes stressing and thinks taking more selfies will promote bidness, yah solid plan.  Melissa weakly confronts Derek about the Kim D. gossip.  At hearing the word “Kim D.”, Derek immediately looks like he smells a dead body.  He acts all aghast at the mere thought of saying one nugatory thing about Tre.  They snap a selfie and air hug it out.

Joe brings Tre a sangwich and they discuss Juicy Joe’s impending trip to da’ pokey.  We get a flashback of Tre and Joe as teenagers, they were BFFs, and Joe had a used car salesman smarmy mustache of doom.  Joe tries to get his sister to state on camera that she is mad at her Mucinex slug of a husband.  All she will admit to is being so incredibly stupid for signing the papers he put in front of her.  Tre no read so good.  Joe offers to help out while Juicy Joe is taking it up da’ ass at the greybar hotel.  Tre doesn’t know what she is going to do, like, with the garbage.  Joe offers to help take out the trash, but something tells me this isn’t about routine weekly kitchen waste.

Siggy summons Melissa for cawwwfee tawwwlk, to admit her first impression of Melissa was that she is phony and self-absorbed, oh and to tell her she will not be attending her fashion shit show.  Melissa points out that Siggy, is in fact, taking sides because she is planning to attend Jacs’ kernel korn event.  Honey, when Melissa Gorga makes a valid point, you know your shit is f*cked up.

melissa-and-siggy

It’s the day of the big Posche fashion show, which is being held in the back room of some low-rent restaurant and looks as if it’s put together with prayers and chewing gum.  Kim D. tries to bait Jacs and Dolores by bringing up rumors of Juicy Joe cheating on Tre while she was away “at camp”.  They don’t take the bait and are more interested in learning how to properly apply boob tape.

kim-d

Siggy and Dolores have lunch with Tre and Melissa, but instead of “Rails”, they meet at “Pure”.  Since Bravo is footing the bill, Tre orders about 13 appetizers while Siggy starts her “Jacs is a good person” campaign.  Tre shuts it down like an illegal day care center and points out that Jacs was the one who brought Kim D. onto the scene.  Siggy has a change of heart and announces she will attend the Envy fashion show.  Tre asks Dolores about the Posche show and we flash back to 2009, 2010, 2011, where there is high drama involving Tre each year.  Dolores reveals that Kim D. tried to start shit, but doesn’t give specifics.

It’s the night of Li’l Kernel event.  Chris gives a speech, drops bomb, Ass-lee and Pete are sprouting their own li’l kernel.  Ass-lee tells Jacs that the baby will be organic, which is hilarious.  Is that organic botox and filler in yo’ face?  Later, Dolores pulls Chris to the side and advises him to decline the invitation he received from Juicy Joe for his “heading off to camp” party.  He should stand by his wifey, no matter how much of a rabid wildebeest she is.

To conclude tonight’s series of ill-fated epiphanies, we end up with Tre and Dolores meeting in a vacant church.  They are both looking very “mob-wife” and they reflect on their lives and how their marriages didn’t play out the way they envisioned.  Tre is sticking by her man no matter what, oh except for cheating, and she comments that Dolores was right to dump Frank for that reason.  Do I detect foreshadowing?  Dolores ignores her and suggests they say a prayer before they head out for a cocktail.

Next week, Tre and Juicy say goodbye.

Nose Job, Criminal, Bang, Bang, Bang

We are still in Stowe, VT where everything has been so nice, oh well…except for that fight where Robyn threatened to rage on Jac’s re-done ass and punch her in the re-done face.  Dolores approaches Melissa with care, please ask Robyn, your bitch-ass, hanger-on, fake friend to leave.  Saved by the Siggy, who weighs in, it’s either Robyn or Jacs and Tre has the final say.

Jacs has a case of the sads and goes into the ugly cry because her love of Tre is overpowering and she feels rejected.  Siggy tries to talk her off the ledge, but period emotions are flowing and there isn’t a night time maxi-pad absorbent enough to contain them.  Someone get Jacs some mood stabilizers and a Midol, STAT!

Melissa obtains the verdict, Tre doesn’t have to think twice.  Jacs needs to beat feet, however Robyn and her partner have been playing with a home perm kit and they decide they will get the hell outta dodge.

Later, everyone arrives at the Matterhorn for another ill-fated dinner of doom.  All that fightin’ has worked up an appetite.  Tre points out that there are two empty seats and confronts Jacs about why that would be.  Tre takes Robyn’s side because Jacs took the whole thing to next level crazy by sitting on Robyn.  She labels Jacs with words such as “manipulative” and “calculated”.  Jacs is visibly hurt and gets up to leave.  Chris steps in to diffuse, “She loves you!  Learn to trust.  Heart in right place!”  Tre is more concerned with the fact that she has tap water in her glass, someone get her some bottled water, STAT!  Jacs points out that Tre cannot be around any kerfuffle due to her parole and Jacs did all of this for Tre, “You table flippin’ bitch!”

jacs-table-flippin

We flash back to the history of Tre – chasing a prostitution whoo-ahh out of a country club, flipping tables, throwing OHAC as if he were a chew toy, but yet Jacs stood by her side.  Jacs brings up stripper-gate, and tries to drag Melissa into the melee.  Melissa thinks Jacs is a jelly bean and can’t handle Melissa and Tre having been BFFL for a hot minute.  Melissa refuses to engage and Jacs deems her as another soldier.  The acrylic nail of death makes an appearance, “you fake, phony, bitch!  Four nose jobs!”

jacs-in-mels-face

Through all of this, I am shocked that Joe hasn’t jumped in.  The sedatives must have kicked in.  In her next bizarre move, Jacs dials Kim D. to put her on the speakerphone of truth!  Tre comments – “why you alwasy gotta call people on da’ phone?”  Siggy is still trying to logically narrate the fallout, but Dolores notes this is simply part of visiting the RHNJ Zoo.  Speaking of the Zoo, the animals are hongray so Dolores orders three helpings of chicken wings.  Tre feels threat-ennned.  Jacs yells “CRIMINAL” and walks out.  For Tre, it’s nothing that tearing at a chicken wing like a savage beast won’t solve.

jacs-leave-dinner

Siggy and Dolores check in with Jacs, but she is fine with how things ended because she now sees that Tre hasn’t changed.  Siggy retreats to her villa and decides to take a stand, “eff her and eff her, I’m going home, I’m out!”  Siggy recounts the fight, acting like animals, Kathy/Rosie, festering, Posche, mosh, bosch, and fosch, nose job, criminal, bang, bang, bang.  Dolores feels bad, poor Siggy didn’t know what she walked into when she sold her relationship expert soul to Bravo.

Back at the Goo-boo-chay household, the girls are having a rather peaceful dinner with their criminal father.  They are going to miss Juicy Joe, he acts as if he’s going away to fat camp.  Milania can’t get her brain around this “your’e belly is all stretched out now and it can’t go back in.”  Juicy Joe asks his girls in earnest, “you really think I’m fat?”  Milania responds with the kiss of death, “you’re fatter than pregnant people.”  Juicy Joe changes the subject, they better take out the garbage, feed the fambly pet, help their mother, oh and buy him an effing MIRROR!  They do a fambly fist bump and all is well.

The next day, Tre gets a call from her Mucinex slug and recounts the fight.  “She called me the C word, but not C U Next Tuesday.”  As if that would have been better?  Tre and Melissa arrive at Siggy and Dolores’ room and Siggy breaks down and announces she is leaving.  She starts demonstrating her frustration by throwing decorative apples around the villa, Dolores slams her hands down on the Formica countertop, “I’ve had enough!”

dolores-siggy-had-it

Dolores.  Gives.  The.  Best.  Commentary.  Ever.  “Melissa comes in like she’s going to Studio 54 with a full face on and Tre is dressed like Milania.  They are not the epitome of empathy.”  No, these two beyotches DGAF – they’ve got a face full o’ contouring and they are ready to show it off to the world.

Tre and Melissa boogie out of Siggy’s villa, happy to spend “bonding time” alone.  They take a ride on a gondola up a mountain and Tre gets all teary eyed over Juicy Joe’s impending trip to “camp”.  Tre and Melissa are so in love right now.  They take a few selfies and cawwwl it a day.

tre-melissa-selfie

Jacs and Chris are back home, safely secluded in their McMansion.  What better way to decompress than with fatty cured meats and cheeses, oh and a debriefing with Kathy.  Not much to see here, but Jacs has an epiphany that should have been evident long ago, Tre never gave three wet farts about her.

Next week, Siggy gets a warning, Melissa confronts Derek about filming Tre accepting cash only for bootleg copies of her book, and Jacs and Dolores get an earful from Kim D.

Downward Dawg

Melissa preps for grand opening of Envy, steps in dog poop, tracks into shop, wipes on low-rent Carrie Bradshaw’s tutu.  Gay assistant not sure what to do.  Jazz hands aflutter.  Back at Gorga home, inmates running the asylum.  Dog wearing British flag coat?  Joe self-admitted cave man, can’t find his way out of parenting paper bag.  Watching his own children for two hours, not in “Marriage Contract of Oppression” – not to be confused with Cynthia Bailey “Friendship Contract of Doom”.  Children being especially rambunctious, producers have plied them with pixie sticks and red bull.  Gorga spawn giving us full-blown, petal to the metal, nitro-burnin’ Milania!  Joe caves, calls Melissa, begging ensues.  “You’re dealing with clothes!”  Melisa match point – “Man up and figure it out!”

Gorga Kids

Across town, Tre headed to studio to record audio book.  Chats with lawyer, Google alerts!  Juicy Joe Mucinex slug is cheating bastard.  Nonsense, nonsense.  What is not nonsense?  Tre has paid restitution in full.  First step toward her independence…you watch.  She will ditch that slug of a husband by season 12.  Tre becomes emotional reading the dedication, can’t move past page vii.  Never mind emotions, smoking sound editing equipment due to mis-pronunciations!  CAN’T.  RECOGNIZE.  WORDS.  Tre faced with selecting book cover photo, reflects on her bad hair in a pick taken after removing prison “corn rolls”.  Tre reflects, prison doubles as marriage strengthener.  Juicy Joe showing more Mucinex slug style appreciation.  Book cover revealed, housewife to inmate, and back again.  Next stop, divorce book tour.

Downshift to Siggy squeaking, meets Jacs to stress eat French fries and drink wine.  Siggy issues, 13-year-old daughter selecting clothing from infant section, son covered in hickeys.  Upshift to Tre, Siggy likes Tre, talks without thinking.  Yea, all carnival fun-n-games until Tre eats your new face lift off.  Siggy rock climb date, plans to confront Tre on tabloid cheating rumors.  Jacs scary face, warns – ABORT – DO NOT ASK ABOUT TABLOIDS!

Later, Siggy confronts Tre about rumors, Tre handles like champ on surface, seething cauldron of psychosis bubbling underneath.  Knows Jacs is behind this.  Siggy offers her “relationship expertise”, here’s my card, I’m closed on Wednesdays.

Dolores’ daughter washing guinea pig in the good Tupperware in the living room.  She is in veterinary school, hence her love of bathing animals in containers to later be used for leftover lasagna.

Jacs and Chris at foreclosing McMansion.  Learn of new bidness venture, Little Kernel, GMO and gluten free popcorn for special needs children.  About as viable a market as alarming black water.  Jacs isn’t in it for the money, must push though, need butt lift.

Night of Envy party, atomic contouring, Spanx screaming.  Everyone exchanging pleasantries, Ass-lee calls out Tre 2.0 – it’s a joke, a fake, will the real Tre Goo-Boo-Chay please stand up?

Joe Gorga breaks ice by modeling red cut out dress.  All he achieves is casting high level of awkwardness over crowd and his lactating moobs destroy dress fabric.

Chris and Jacs elude to “get together” with Tre and Juicy Joe, smoke, drink, get foolish.  Tre can’t drink until February, li’l convict ankle monitor will spontaneously combust.  She may lose leg.

Moment we’ve all been waiting for.  Milania finally relieved of manscaping duty!  Flashback of Milania working the three speed back shaver, tells father, “you smell like raw cookie dough.”  I guess that’s better than smelling like taco grease and ass cheese.

Toenails

Tre assumes prison bitch pose and requests Juicy “DO YOGA”.  Juicy Joe assumes unsavory convict pose.  Flashback, Juicy Joe flexible as silicone oven mitt.  Tre hints cheating is not tolerated as she fastens her protective eyewear, cuts his toenails down to the quick, drawing blood.  Juicy upper lip sweating, snorting, grunting, saved by the bell.  Chris calls to invite them for dinner as long as it’s within the allowable traveling perimeter of Tre’s li’l convict ankle monitor.

Joe Yoga

Two weeks, the inevitable Tre and Jacs showdown.

Back in Black

After being on lockdown for over a year, RHNJ is back beyotches.  Not much to see in the premiere episode, except for the moment we’ve all been waiting for…the jailbreak of Teresa Goo-Boo-Chay!

Melissa has finally realized it’s not 1952 and she is opening her own boutique, which is just what New Jersey needs…Posche 3.0.  Melissa will call her shop “Envy” and they will feature all of the clothing they can shop lift from the clearance bin at “Forever 21”.  Melissa is legit with a bidness partner and all, but oh poor Joe.  There is no one at home waiting for him with a platter of freshly prepared chicken cutlets!  He has to strip down naked ON CAMERA and soap up his private parts ON CAMERA, just to snag a little attention from his modern wife.

Jacs is back as full time housewife, and SIDENOTE – there is no other Manzo featured.  I guess Caroline finally had enough, and smartly so.  With Tre back on the scene and a year of hard prison time under her weave, better to lay low.  At any rate, we catch up with Jacs…Nicholas is making strides and communicating a bit better verbally, which is good to see.  Jacs has roped in two of her besties for the show, one friend named after a female body part…Dolores!  The other is Siggy Flicker, who had her own matchmaking show on VH1 back in da’ day.  Apparently, Dolores was friends with Caroline, Dina, and Tre…they all go wayyyy back, but signing on for this slapdash shit-show is a sure way to end that.

Jacs has taken Ashlee back under her roof and apparently she is behaving for now, running around at the mall with her new hunky boyfriend, Peter Brady.  I give them six months.  Chris Manzo lost his fortune on the ill-fated BLK water deal, now there’s a shocker.  After his surplus shipment of BLK water was returned to him from Flint, MI, he realized that he was a broke ass mo-fo and decided to sell all of his…um, watches?  Just how many watches did he own?  At least this explains Jacs headline status and reason for taking up a lot of our time with her whining this season, she needs that Bravo paycheck.

Probably the highlight of the episode is Jacs meeting Delores and Siggy (Sigs – not to be confused with “Wigs-n-Cigs”) at some desolate “speakeasy” in the middle of the day so that Siggy can hide her healing face lift and sip lobster bisque through a straw.  She is my spirit animal.

SIggy face lift

Later, Jacs hosts a BYOS (Bring Your Own Shit) party that she has assembled out of prayers and chewing gum, however her remote controlled Christmas tree was one item she did not have to hock.  Jacs and Melissa have an opportunity to literally compare the notes they received from Tre.  Earlier, Jacs read the contents of her one line note in her best Tre voice, which is quite hilarious.  Melissa received a note with a back-handed comment about those damn sprinkle cookies from five seasons ago.  Tre finds a way to still be akin to satan’s asshole, all the way from her prison cubicle.  This doesn’t bode well for Melissa and it’s clearly laying ground work for Tre to use her fine collection of shivs that she fashioned in prison.  Jacs…you’re goin’ down like a fat kid on a see saw.  The highlight of Jacs shin-dig is cousin Rosie, who can be seen in the corner, holding a cocktail and playin’ canasta.

sprinkle cookie

The real moment we are waiting for is the return of Tre, fresh outta da’ clink.  She will be home for Christmas, but will have a leopard print ankle bracelet surgically installed for six months.  She has to obtain permission from her probation officer to go anywhere outside of her McMansion, except for Wal-Mart.

The Goo-Boo-Chay household is chaos as usual between the dogs, the girls, and the glitter glue.  As the girls are creating home-made welcome home mom signs, Joe cannot wait to pack his bags as he lurches around like the Mucinex slug he is.  He is shouting at the girls, barking orders, and maintaining nary a semblance of authority.  Oh dear reader, we all know the truth here…Milania is the HBIC up in dis’ hizzou of horrors.  Once Milania gets wind that the TMZ paparazzi are camped outside, she waves her li’l fist of fury at them while shouting “GET BENT!”

Gia packs a prison release outfit with care, so that her mother can arrive home looking tighter than a unicorn’s ass hole.  The fambly attorney heads out on the road to retrieve Tre.  G to the ia starts waking her sisters up at 5 a.m. to be ready to greet mom.  Not only is Milania still a rambunctious li’l ball of fun, but Gabriella has not changed much either.  She has that same unnerving, tortured blank stare as if she knows where the bodies are buried.

As Tre enters the house, it appears she was allowed to get a Brazilian blow out in between the delousing powder and cavity search stations.  She looks pretty good for just getting sprung…she hugs Joe and says “I miss my house”, quite telling.

Tre-Joe Hug

The girls pile on and they all break down, and I have to admit that this scene melted the frost off of my cold, black heart.  Joe offers to cook a meal and she asks for vegetables of all things.  Meanwhile, Tre narrates, “I was very naive, I won’t be naive anymore, I learned my lesson, and I won’t make the same mistake twice.”  I don’t know ‘bout y’all, but I sense that Joe may want to sleep with one eye open for the rest of his natural life.  Word to the wise, do not drink the green Gatorade and don’t get caught alone in the prison shower.

Tre - girls

And that’s a wrap – preview this season indicates more drama and the fambly preps for Joe’s “time away”.