The Goo-boo-chays and the Gorgas hog out over some Chinese food and everyone is a li’l feisty over the fact that Juicy Joe isn’t there to get sloshed and crash face first into the floor while attempting a cartwheel.
Milania cracks open her fortune cookie with brute force… “young girl who miss father should take off on quad like an animal.” Which is precisely what she does with her li’l sis Audriana, hanging on for dear life on the back. Joe stops her in the driveway to talk her off the ledge and assures her that if she ever wants to engage in reckless behavior, she can call him and he will be there. Let’s blow this pop stand TOGETHER!
Back in the kitchen, Melissa and Tre discuss the impending re-done home warming pawwwty at Dolores’ place. Tre wants to bail because the thought of seeing Jacs’ face makes her want to hurl up her egg foo young.
Dolores’ pawwwty is symbolic of her gaining 10% of her financial independence back and moving out from under her ex-hubbys thumb. Dolores’ grandmother arrives at the party and not a moment too soon. Such a charming lady who has lived through 102 years of this bullshit and shows no signs of slowing down! Siggy sits grandma down and gives her the play by play, she may live through another war tonight. Jacs has lost her voice, what a shame. She arrives at the pawwwty wearing her new tee-shirt, which she purchased at http://www.passiveaggressivetees.com.
The Wakile’s arrive with Rosie and Laura in tow. Joe Gorga makes the rounds to say “hello” to everyone in an attempt to be civil, but Jacs snubs him. Jacs leaves to go “lay down in the car” and Kim D., troublemaker extraordinaire, trails behind her leaving this shindig rather uneventful. Chris pulls Joe G. aside to vent about Vermont and express his hurt over not hearing from Joe. Joe gives him the “man to man” talk, understands why he is sticking up for Jacs, but she went “buck wild” on Melissa and was totally out of line. Joe keeps his cool and shuts down this awkward “man to man” confrontation like a deft presidential debate moderator. Melissa and Jacs were both wrong and they need to air kiss and make up. When Joe Gorga is suddenly the voice of reason, honey you know your shit is f*cked up! Jacs starts honking the horn outside in the car and Chris hightails it out like a dog to a dinner bell!
Tre and Milania are cleaning out their garage and Milania starts knocking empty water gallon containers off a shelf with a broom stick as if she has ‘roid rage. Tre tries to pacify her and asks what she can do to make her time without her fawwwther easier. Milania puts her foot down, “NO ONE WILL REPLACE MY DADDY!” No one is trying to replace him dear, but mommy just wants you to chill the f*ck out!
Later, Tre is making breakfast for the girls, Milania rejects it because it’s not like daddy makes. Tre says “I’ll make it wet like daddy.” Oy, I could go so many ways with this, but I think I’ll just go vomit. Milania lists the reasons why she misses dad, and now we get to the true crux of it all – Milania has to do all his extra chores.
Siggy spends some quality time with her mother, she pays some coiffeur named Sergio to curl her hair and then she takes her out for kale salad. Siggy gets all emotional when she is around her mother because she doesn’t feel her mom takes enough time for herself. I am emotional at the thought of eating kale.
Dolores’ holds her “Ladies’ Night” at the gym, and she’s feelin’ right! Dolores calls Jacs to see if she is going to show up and Jacs lets her go to voice mail while pretending to sleep off this deadly case of laryngitis. Jacs really has this “alienate everyone” routine down to a science. Tre is ready to teach a yoga class and Doles picks this inopportune moment to confront the uncomfortable situation with Robyn. Tre is summoned to the full yoga class and the awkwardness is cut short.
There is a short scene that reminds me of my life, Melissa is hard at work on her laptop and Joe bellows from the bathroom that he needs help. She drops what she is doing to find him in desperate need of her help in shaving his back. Call Milania, she’ll grab her five speed back shaver, tear through every nicely manicured lawn in Jersey, and be there in under 10 minutes, or the shave is FREE!
Dolores and Siggy are on their way to the Envy fashion show of terror and Dolores reveals that Jacs is not speaking to her. Jacs accused Dolores of setting her up to make her look like a no show, when in fact Jacs DIDN’T SHOW! Yeah, process that for a minute. Jacs was also upset that her mug wasn’t on the janky flyer, which looks like a four year old produced it on her “Barbie’s first computer:” and a malfunctioning ink jet printer. What. The. Acutal. F*CK. JACS? Dolores admits “we exchanged words, they weren’t nice, I lost my temper, f*ck you, I said actually.” Jacs is clearly losing her shit and Dolores, whom I have lovingly dubbed “bitch ain’t havin’ it”, wins the night!
Next week is the finale to all this nutbaggery. The Envy fashion show of terror, Tre may put McManson on the market, Jacs continues to passively aggressively alienate her cast mates, and Siggy schedules a friendtervention.