Back in Black

After being on lockdown for over a year, RHNJ is back beyotches.  Not much to see in the premiere episode, except for the moment we’ve all been waiting for…the jailbreak of Teresa Goo-Boo-Chay!

Melissa has finally realized it’s not 1952 and she is opening her own boutique, which is just what New Jersey needs…Posche 3.0.  Melissa will call her shop “Envy” and they will feature all of the clothing they can shop lift from the clearance bin at “Forever 21”.  Melissa is legit with a bidness partner and all, but oh poor Joe.  There is no one at home waiting for him with a platter of freshly prepared chicken cutlets!  He has to strip down naked ON CAMERA and soap up his private parts ON CAMERA, just to snag a little attention from his modern wife.

Jacs is back as full time housewife, and SIDENOTE – there is no other Manzo featured.  I guess Caroline finally had enough, and smartly so.  With Tre back on the scene and a year of hard prison time under her weave, better to lay low.  At any rate, we catch up with Jacs…Nicholas is making strides and communicating a bit better verbally, which is good to see.  Jacs has roped in two of her besties for the show, one friend named after a female body part…Dolores!  The other is Siggy Flicker, who had her own matchmaking show on VH1 back in da’ day.  Apparently, Dolores was friends with Caroline, Dina, and Tre…they all go wayyyy back, but signing on for this slapdash shit-show is a sure way to end that.

Jacs has taken Ashlee back under her roof and apparently she is behaving for now, running around at the mall with her new hunky boyfriend, Peter Brady.  I give them six months.  Chris Manzo lost his fortune on the ill-fated BLK water deal, now there’s a shocker.  After his surplus shipment of BLK water was returned to him from Flint, MI, he realized that he was a broke ass mo-fo and decided to sell all of his…um, watches?  Just how many watches did he own?  At least this explains Jacs headline status and reason for taking up a lot of our time with her whining this season, she needs that Bravo paycheck.

Probably the highlight of the episode is Jacs meeting Delores and Siggy (Sigs – not to be confused with “Wigs-n-Cigs”) at some desolate “speakeasy” in the middle of the day so that Siggy can hide her healing face lift and sip lobster bisque through a straw.  She is my spirit animal.

SIggy face lift

Later, Jacs hosts a BYOS (Bring Your Own Shit) party that she has assembled out of prayers and chewing gum, however her remote controlled Christmas tree was one item she did not have to hock.  Jacs and Melissa have an opportunity to literally compare the notes they received from Tre.  Earlier, Jacs read the contents of her one line note in her best Tre voice, which is quite hilarious.  Melissa received a note with a back-handed comment about those damn sprinkle cookies from five seasons ago.  Tre finds a way to still be akin to satan’s asshole, all the way from her prison cubicle.  This doesn’t bode well for Melissa and it’s clearly laying ground work for Tre to use her fine collection of shivs that she fashioned in prison.  Jacs…you’re goin’ down like a fat kid on a see saw.  The highlight of Jacs shin-dig is cousin Rosie, who can be seen in the corner, holding a cocktail and playin’ canasta.

sprinkle cookie

The real moment we are waiting for is the return of Tre, fresh outta da’ clink.  She will be home for Christmas, but will have a leopard print ankle bracelet surgically installed for six months.  She has to obtain permission from her probation officer to go anywhere outside of her McMansion, except for Wal-Mart.

The Goo-Boo-Chay household is chaos as usual between the dogs, the girls, and the glitter glue.  As the girls are creating home-made welcome home mom signs, Joe cannot wait to pack his bags as he lurches around like the Mucinex slug he is.  He is shouting at the girls, barking orders, and maintaining nary a semblance of authority.  Oh dear reader, we all know the truth here…Milania is the HBIC up in dis’ hizzou of horrors.  Once Milania gets wind that the TMZ paparazzi are camped outside, she waves her li’l fist of fury at them while shouting “GET BENT!”

Gia packs a prison release outfit with care, so that her mother can arrive home looking tighter than a unicorn’s ass hole.  The fambly attorney heads out on the road to retrieve Tre.  G to the ia starts waking her sisters up at 5 a.m. to be ready to greet mom.  Not only is Milania still a rambunctious li’l ball of fun, but Gabriella has not changed much either.  She has that same unnerving, tortured blank stare as if she knows where the bodies are buried.

As Tre enters the house, it appears she was allowed to get a Brazilian blow out in between the delousing powder and cavity search stations.  She looks pretty good for just getting sprung…she hugs Joe and says “I miss my house”, quite telling.

Tre-Joe Hug

The girls pile on and they all break down, and I have to admit that this scene melted the frost off of my cold, black heart.  Joe offers to cook a meal and she asks for vegetables of all things.  Meanwhile, Tre narrates, “I was very naive, I won’t be naive anymore, I learned my lesson, and I won’t make the same mistake twice.”  I don’t know ‘bout y’all, but I sense that Joe may want to sleep with one eye open for the rest of his natural life.  Word to the wise, do not drink the green Gatorade and don’t get caught alone in the prison shower.

Tre - girls

And that’s a wrap – preview this season indicates more drama and the fambly preps for Joe’s “time away”.


Fall Festivus

We begin this season showing events from February 28, 2014. Joe has given up on the spray on hair and is going au naturel. He and Melissa are watching the latest news on Tre and Juicy, and they have let bygones be bygones. Once again, they are visiting that “good place”, for now. Melissa calls Tre to check in, but Tre is feverishly rowing her one woman canoe up the river of d’nial. She tells Melissa that none of the reports are true, they have not plead guilty to federal charges and the plea deal is still pending. G to the ia looks on disapprovingly, she tells her mom that she is old enough to “comprehend and understand what is going on”. Tre tries to give her the “mommy and daddy will handle it” speech, but she breaks down and G to the ia follows. Oddly, G to the ia smiles and starts crying just like Caroline Manzo does.


We flash back to “three months earlier” when it was bidness as usual at the Goo-boo-chay house, Milania is sassing everyone within a five foot radius. Gabriella tries to help Milania with some homework and Milania asks if she can go read a book while Gab “does this”. I have to say, I like her delegating wherewithal! Juicy is up to his typical parenting, poking his head around the corner, “do your homework or you won’t eat for a week!” Dina Manzo is at the door, and proclaims, “The Bitch is back and you can kiss my ass.” Dina is apparently Teresa’s “ride or die” pal, but she will not address her relationship with Caroline. Insert eye roll here… Dina presents Tre with a guardian angel bracelet, but there ain’t no guardian angel powerful enough to save her Goo-boo-chay ass from the Feds. Tre confides in Dina that she is stressing about paying for attorney fees, how she will provide for G to the ia to attend college? Hell, that’s what poles, body glitter, and clear heels are for.

Dina claims she is “pretty zen until you f*ck with me.” Apparently so, because her hubby, Tommy, is cheating on her, but she refuses to file for divorce and Dina later confides in her therapist that they have a “friends with benefits” agreement. She fears of dying a lonely hairless cat lady (cats are hairless, not Dina), but Dina does find solace in her variety of disadvantaged pets.


Melissa and Tre get together for a play date and Tre is wearing her “We’re in a good place” fedora. The girls are doing some gymnastics routine and Milania demonstrates that has the twerking down to science, don’t worry about that college fund, Tre. While Antonia does a face plant on the gymnastic mat, Melissa informs Tre that her friend, Amber, has invited her to a fall harvest party. Why don’t Tre and Dina tag along and meet the ladies who will become their mortal enemies?


Annnnd we meet Amber, a fun li’l lollipop dipped in psycho. She is extremely high-strung, bossy, control freak, who sets her makeup gun to “third shift ho”. Her husband Jim brings in a whole raw pig for the upcoming fall festival party and terrorizes the shit out of her and her daughter. Amber appears to be a two-face, she looks like two different people with and without her makeup team. She used to be one of Melissa’s party buddies, but Amber must point out that she went for her education, while Melissa wanted to marry for money, and did! Groundwork being laid for conflict. After Melissa married Joe, she “fell off the face of the earth” according to Amber. Amber alert…don’t we wish.

Giant Pig

Next we meet a new Teresa (pronounced Ter-ehh-suh) and Nicole, they are friends of Amber’s and, as if this weren’t hard enough, they are identical twins. They are both the same shade of Oompa Loompa orange, so they will be hard to tell apart. Ter-ehh-suh is married to Rino, who owns two restaurants and she thinks she is queen of Little Italy. She divorced Rino and then re-married him. Nicole is divorced and has a chach- bag boyfriend of nine months. Nicole makes her impression by saying that “A woman only needs two things: Dunkin’ Donuts and oral sex.” These two are going to be a handful. We will call them the Non-Dynamic Duo (NDD).

Oompa Loompa

At the fall festival from hell, Rino is wearing his best “Good Fellas” suit, he looks like he would smell of bourbon, determination, and seeing a man about a horse. He dominates the conversation by talking about how he was circumcised at 27. Amber is freakin’ about people spilling everywhere and says “what book of ettiqueacy are they reading?” Great, another one with her own language. Tre and Dina walk in and Tre already feels the thick cloak of judgment descending upon her. Dina talks about her cancer foundation, which segues into Amber informing us she is a breast cancer survivor and she is five years cancer free. Tre and Ter-ehh-suh bond over their love of the same restaurants and Dina and the other half of the NDD bond over being divorced, their love of glitter glue, and bump-its.

I am so bored right now, what happened to the magical formula of season three when the premiere featured that christening blow out? This season is off to a slow burn, and then this scripted moment happened:

Amber finally decides to heat up this Festivus flop and begin with her “airing of the grievances”. She corners Melissa to confront her about losing contact. When Melissa tries to flip the script on her, Amber throws down the cancer card. Melissa has no clue Amber had cancer, but Amber is floored because Melissa sent her a FB message about it, which she oddly tried to locate, but must have deleted it. I love it, missing evidence already! Amber retreats her firey eye lasers for the time being, and they both agree to move on. Melissa knows the formula, she runs to confide in her new buddies, Tre and Dina. So it’s going to be the battle of old vs. new.

To wind this up, the Goo-boo-chay clan is gathering to celebrate Juicy’s grandmother’s 80th birthday and to also have a family portrait taken. Tre and her girls are in her bed, bath, and beyond a hot mess bathroom, getting hair and makeup done. Milania is acting like a little diva, screaming at the hair and makeup team, which she has clearly learned from her mother. There are about 70 people in the house for the picture and Juicy gives a speech from the top of the stairs thanking everyone for their support during the rough times.


G to the ia is breaking down again. She has a little moment with her dad and he tries to make jokes to lighten the mood. Tre, Juicy, and G to the ia have a chat with Juicy’s dad ,Frank, but we later find out he recently passed away in early 2014.

So the premiere was a bit serious, but planted some seeds of drama. Previews would have us believe there will be some house husband drama and the ladies fighting while dressed in village people/stripper costumes.