Issues and Tissues

The hot mess express has reached its final destination on the underground railroad…finally!  Let’s round up the low lights:

  1. The Rotten Peach

Lupeter is salivating into his wife’s wig, waiting to address the cheating rumors that Phaedra was throwing around like cheap pocketbooks.  He notes that if he were to cheat, he would go big or go home and hook up with J-Lo or Beyoncé.  So not only is Papa Smurf annoying, he is delusional.  Lupeter goes over his lifetime information sharing limits when he tells us he would rather jerk off than get with one of his Bar None waitresses.

Peter-saying

  1. Half-Assed, Half-Breed Apologies

Kandi and Todd update us on their flourishing marriage, they are working on a baby and Kandi is undergoing fertility treatments that have fattened her up and have caused her boobs to grow larger than Nene’s swollen ego.  Todd speaks out about the half-assed apology Mama Joyce gave on camera, but Kandi wanted to make yet another excuse for her mother’s appalling behavior.  That half-assed apology given on camera was done when Todd’s mother was still alive, as if that makes it acceptable.  Only after Todd’s mother passed way, did he get a three quarters-assed apology.  Gregg Leakes spoke at Sharon’s funeral and wanted to go on record that Nene tried everything she could to get out of Broadway to be at the funeral.  Phaedra couldn’t make it either, but she assisted with making the proper arrangements complete with bedazzled prayer cloths.

Later, we reflect back on Nene’s malevolent alter ego…NayNay, making an appearance in Puerto Rico and she gets some heat for calling Claw-dia “half breed”.  Nene can’t bring herself to offer an apology to Claw-dia, but she gives her patented dead-in-the-eyes apology to all the viewers she has offended.

  1. Deep thoughts with Gregg Leakes

“Faults are like headlights on a car, you can only see the other persons.”  Can someone put his shock collar on him and throw him behind his electric fence?  He has clearly been sitting behind Nene too long, inhaling her wig glue fumes.

  1. End of the Road Friendship Contract

We once again belabor the point that Nene and Cynthia are dunzo.  Cynthia feels the incessant need to rehash their fall out, blow by blow, so that she never has to repeat it again.  Here’s a brief synopsis:  Lupita beyotch, Cynthia should be fired, food off my table, I’m wrong, you’re right, burn baby burn.

  1. Freindtervention

Dr. Jeff joins the group and Nene confronts him about how the therapy sesh was poorly handled.  Then, like a one legged rickshaw driver, Nene completely breaks down.

Nene-Breakdown

She refuses to talk, and the group must have a rehearsal because they are all in on the fact that Nene didn’t have a relationship with her mother and this is why she has to be carried off the stage.  As she is walking out, everyone gathers around her except for Kandi and Claw-dia, who are taking the opportunity to adjust their Spanx and check their texteses.

Nene-Walk off

Dr. Jeff and OHAC get the backstory from Gregg and it turns out that Nene’s mother had five children and couldn’t handle them all so she sent Nene and her brother away to be raised by their aunt.  This abandonment issue has plagued Nene for years and she never understood why she was sent away.  Cynthia whisks Nene into the ladies room for a makeup re-touch and Dr. Jeff and OHAC declare this as a “Breakthrough!”  It’s a Christmas miracle!  Cynthia teeters on her 8” heels back to the stage to update the rest of the group, who incidentally, don’t give three hot, wet farts.

The dramatic music is cued as Nene returns to her perch.  Cynthia gives her a pep talk, telling her how great she is and how she has it all, reverting back to the Cynthia that lives up Nene’s ass.  Claw-dia, realizing she hasn’t said two lines during the last two parts of the reunion, gives her own version of a pep talk and declares that they should not be fighting, but connecting on this common ground.  Dr. Jeff rounds it out by saying that we all have a story and if you don’t talk about your story, it will continue to contaminate all of your relationships.  Nene just can’t help herself…despite her total mental breakdown, she collects herself long enough to beat a dead horse.  She asks Dr. Jeff if he would have handled the counseling sesh the same way.  He placates her by saying that since he now knows what her needs are, he would adjust accordingly.  So basically, now that he knows she’s a raging drama queen on stilts, he would gladly stroke her ego for $175 per hour.  With that, OHAC sends him off in a pneumatic air tube back to shrink-land.

  1. Last Ditch Efforts

As this 90 minute torture sesh winds down, Cynthia decides to apologize to Phaedra for the pain she caused, given that Phaedra had her roughest season ever.  Thank God for caffeine enemas to pull a gal through!  Phaedra notes that she is still dealing with a lot of crap, but “I walk in gratitude because pressure builds diamonds.”  Sounds like someone has found their opening tag line for next season!

Claw-dia feels she has grown and will be creating a vision board with an illustration of herself, clinging her peach tightly in her falcon toes.  Kenya has learned understanding, forgiveness, and never to say never.  Porsha feels everyone has had a breakthrough, including her…breaking through her clothing she purchased from the Forever 21 clearance bin.  Kandi equates life to a roller coaster with ups and downs and she looks forward to the future.  Nene admits she did not see her breakdown coming and appreciated the support when she returned to the stage.  Until she is talking shit about everyone the minute she gets off the stage.

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I think I’m Turning Japanese

Part one of the reunion was as tired as the Asian inspired set, comprised of old items scavenged from the P.F. Changs remodel at the Cumberland Mall.

Group Photo - Reunion 1

Let’s break it down shall we…here are the top five moments:

  1. Montage of Hair

The Bravo intern assigned to housewives duty will have to work another summer without pay, Bravo has blown it’s budget on a satirical wig commercial.  It’s mildly amusing, the best part is the voice over at the end, “Beware of hair burglars.  Do not attempt to glue wigs to your forehead.”  Wigs subject to being snatched.”  Kenya admits to wearing a clip in piece to supplement her own 24” hair, and I am sure it’s quick release in the event someone gets dragged up in this bey-otch!

  1. Nene is now in the NFL…No Friends Left!

Kandi calls Nene out for her stank superiority complex and she makes a face like she just smelt Nene’s unwashed asshole.  I think Kandi is a little stung over her recess buddy, Phaedra, bonding with Nene over the hell of a nasty divorce and Nene throws it in her face a bit saying “you wouldn’t understand”, but lest we forget that Kandi is your girl if your ex-fiancé dies.

Nene won’t shut up and they get into the “I SEE YOU…”, “WE SEE EACH OTHA…” pointing of the index finger adorned with a way too long acrylic nail.

Kandi-Attitude

  1. Let’s Get Physical

Phaedra chats about Apllo’s greed ultimately being his demise and we revisit his crazy rant with power tools and hinges that not even his pal, Bunn on a motorcycle, could contain.  Understandably, Phaedra’s number one concern is her children and she admits that she hasn’t filed for divorce yet.  Maybe there will be a reconciliation in season 110!  OHAC asks Phaedra if Apollo has ever gotten physical with her and she refuses to answer…is this a case of “silence speaks volumes”?  She still hasn’t taken the boys to visit their father because, like, well, Kentucky is far and icky.  It might snow, her tazer might be confiscated, and hell let’s just crab boil it down…she just doesn’t want to.

  1. Rotten Peaches

Porsha gets a seat on the couch and talks in her usual tone…all kinds of crazy.  She is dressed like she just emerged from a children’s movie about forest nymphs who wear shower curtains to protect them from flying scepters, whirling pocket books, and possessed rat-infested weave scraps.

Claw-dia puts Porsha on blast for dating a married man and notes that she is [ahem], “a journalist” and she used her best investigative reporting talents to get Porsha liquored on a few cocktails in the Philippines and singin’ like a canary.  Great work Jordan, you’ll be collecting your Pulitzer during open mic night at Zanies in no time.

Porsha discusses her dating life and claims she was dating an athlete and then she said something about an Asian… I lost interest quickly, but did get a chuckle out of Phaedra doing the head swirl while saying “mmmm …get me some Chinese!”  I don’t’ know if she’s hungry or horny.

  1. Kenya is the Best Whore EVA!

Probably the second best moment after the wig infomercial was the whore calling.  Phaedra tells Kenya “the Bible has a lot of whores, you’re in good company.”  Kenya fumes and comes back with, “If I was going to be a whore, I would be the best goddamn whore EVA!”  Ain’t that the truth!

Hearts of Darkness

We begin this week with the ever domestic Porsha preparing a “just add water” frozen meal kit so she and gal pal, Phaedra, can catch up on all the latest dirt.  Phaedra is all about the Cynthia bashing, stating she was throwing hand signals and she’s all “about ‘dat life”.  She can’t understand Cynthia’s hostility, after all, even Phaedra’s mother supports Cynthia by “purchasing clothing from the plus size catalog that Cynthia models for.”  BURN CYNTHIA…YOUR EXPLODING ASS AND ALL!  Okay Phaedra, as if you should talk, you have far surpassed muffin-top region and entered into busted can o’ biscuits territory.  Phaedra goes on to claim she has dirt on Cynthia and Peter, but “no one is going to put out a story about fibroids and dry vaginas.”  The two say grace over their plate of Hamburger Helper and pray that it be calorie free.

Kandi suggests she and Todd begin their homework assignments given by Dr. Sherri and they start with the pro and con list.  Todd rolls his eyes and says “that was whack!”  Kandi lists a con for Todd, he’s mad all the time and won’t let it go.  While Todd’s con for Kandi is that she won’t deal with a damn thing, which explains why he’s pissed off all the time.  When asked to list a pro – Todd is completely stumped and then weakly busts out with “very family oriented”.  In the same breath, he mutters that he “has to get to a meeting”.  Kandi seems to be familiar with her own cons, “won’t deal with her mom”.  Somewhere in the ATL, Mama Joyce and her sisters are throttling up their “told you so” wrecking ball.

Across town, Nene shows up at Phaedra’s looking like the bride of Frankenstein was caught in a catfight.  Maybe she got a jolt when she was trying to wrestle Gregg back inside the electric fence.  The ladies discuss the hilarity of waving pocketbooks over Brazilian meats, but Phaedra has no remorse, she was “on the run” after Apollo went HAM (Hot Ass Mess) in her garage.  How dare Cynthia have the audacity to talk such foolishness!  Phaedra is no longer “on the run”, but she has a severe case of the sads.  She has to turn to Nene for support now that her “ride or die” BFFL Kandi has been MIA.  Of course Nene uses the opportunity to showcase what a great friend she is, but Phaedra doesn’t realize that Nene is in the “NFL” (No Friends Left).  If Nene were such a great friend, she would give Phaedra some guidance on her earring choices.

Nene-Frankenwig

In more Kandi-land dysfunction, Kandi drops by Phaedra’s lawyering playhouse to find out what the beef is between them.  Kandi can’t speak to her ol’ pal without her voice rattling.  They chat a bit and Phaedra explains that Kandi was not there during her time of need when Apollo went all HAM before he went Ass-under.  Kandi explains that she was dealing with the trauma of the death of her dream, “A Mother’s Love”, and she had the chore of laying off masses of third-rate actors.  She had to stash what little millions she had left under her mattress and find a way to move on.  Phaedra pretends to be sympathetic, but there Kandi goes again, putting her career and money before those who are closest to her.  They eventually get back to the script and agree to move forward.  When asked if she will participate in going to the group therapy with Dr. Jeff, Phaedra replies that she doesn’t need to be around “these dark hearts”.

Meanwhile, Claw-dia is contemplating suicide as she discusses attempting stand-up comedy with her co-worker Gary.  Claw-dia can be mildly amusing at best, but she does not have the constitutional fortitude to make it as a stand-up comedian.  She feels stifled on the radio show, however Gary explains that Ricky Smiley is the star and she should abort any ambitions of being the comedic relief.  Stay in your lane home girl, Ricky got ‘dis!  In this segment, we see Claw-dia with a new look for her one-on-one with the camera, and she has a black dress and wig and finally looks descent.  If she can look that nice, why does she walk around looking like a skank who fell ass backwards in the clearance bin at Forever 21?

Later, Claw-dia meets with her pal, Luenell, who comes in the bar lookin’ like a low-rent Miss Cleo.  She hoists herself up on the bar stool and she has to “manspread” so that her gut has a place to hang.  Luenell pulls no punches, she doesn’t like the Rickey Smiley show, Claw-dia should jump off a cliff before attempting stand-up, and Lu needs her drink so badly that she can’t take a moment to take the wrapper off her drinking straw.

Claudia-Lu

We later see Claw-dia do a practice performance at the “Uptown Comedy Corner” and by the looks of their sign, it appears the place is located in a third rate strip mall that has massive potholes in the parking lot.

It’s time for the group therapy session with Dr. Jeff and the last 15 minutes of the show.  Dr. Jeff forewarns Nene that she will be “held to the same standards as the other ladies”, translation = I will put your ass on full-blown elephant hose blast.

Claw-dia is wearing her “fix it Jesus” earrings to protect her and Kandi copes by hitting the buffet.  Nene starts the group off with her chief complaint, which is that “we hear all this stuff about being a grown ass woman, but the woman-ness has not been displayed.”  The whole thing goes completely off the rails before Kandi can even get to the dessert table.  Kenya reflects back on the drunken laughing between she and Nene at the tavern when they agreed to be friends, then during their next encounter, Nene looked at her as if she had the deadly Ebola virus.  Nene is sitting by Dr. Jeff as if she is a facilitator and not part of the issue.  Her plan is to keep the candy bowls full while Dr. Jeff works is magic and tells everyone else how wrong they are.

Nene-Dr.Jeff-2

Dr. Jeff drills it down and tells Nene that it isn’t that tough to admit that you were working toward a friendship, and you actually had… like… feelings.  Nene goes on defense toward Dr. Jeff, “you don’t know me like ‘dat!”  Now we have reached DEFCON 3 –Jerry Springer level.

Kandi-stunned

Claw-dia confronts Nene for giving her the cold shoulder and calls it a bi-polar experience, which sends Nene over the edge.  Dr. Jeff’s solution to control this seething cauldron o’ crazy… “let’s not mix apples and oranges”.  Well, isn’t that what we are doing here, Dr. Jeff, Master of the Obvious?  None of these ladies should be, or would be, friends outside of this show.  Friends don’t let friends tear out each other’s weaves.  It’s time they all admit defeat and forgo the Bravo paychecks.  Dr. Jeff asks the group to be “very careful with our words”, or they will all be in a time out in the corner.  Cynthia apologizes for her part in things that have caused a rift with Nene and she goes back to the dreaded charity event where Nene called Peter a bitch.  Kandi joins in by airing her grievances, stating that Nene throws friends away as if they are worn-out, soiled wigs.  Nene goes complete DEFCON 4 – Maury Povich level, and feels attacked.  She calls Cynthia a mean girl and sarcastically asks “did you find your voice yet?”

Dr. Jeff tries to summarize by saying that there were some very strong friendships that have fallen out and Nene pulls the ripcord on her paratrooper jumpsuit.  Attack Nene Day has officially come to an end, brace for impact!  Dr. Jeff gets on his Dora the Explorer walkie-talkie and radios his Psychological SEAL team “secure the perimeter, we’ve got a runner!”  He follows her out to the freight elevator and we are left with “To be continued…”

Nene-Bye

Next week, Nene threatens Dr. Jeff’s license and Phaedra files for divorce now that Apollo is ass-under.