Reunion – Part Deux

Hey everybody, I don’t know about you, but I find it utterly disturbing the ungodly abomination, heretofore known as Keyna Moore, is the most well behaved this reunion season.  I guess I shouldn’t count those chickens before they snap, there are two more parts of this shit show yet to be seen.  Let’s get on to the low lights of this week:

Porsha on the Playground – We pick up where we left off, Porsha sulking because she feels bullied in the sandbox.  Hey, I’ve got a remedy for that, leave the show.  Do not walk off, but storm off with all the reckless abandon of a two-year old.  I know she needs the Bravo paycheck, but dayum guuuuurl, if the group treats you that badly then just pour all your energies into emoting on Dish Nation.

Serious Matt-ers – We review the unhinged Matt behavior, there are allegations that Kenya hired Matt to play the role, she allegedly has a new boyfriend, and apparently Matt has a crush on Porsha.  The most interesting thing about this segment is that Kenya admits to engaging in sexy time in Matt’s truck, as he alleged in their back-stairwell argument.  Phaedra snickers and mutters something to Frack about how Kenya didn’t even have the decency to get a hotel room to smash with her psychotic show boyfriend.  Really Counselor Parks?  You were responding to booty calls from a felon on an air-mattress.  You have no room in your Spanx to talk.

This segues into the revelation of the abuse SBS endured at the hands of her ex, Crazy-Eye sweaty Bob, and the de-kindling of their relationship.  SBS reveals that she had never told anyone about the abuse, not even her own mother or her children.  Cynthia and her hair deliver a pep talk, “you don’t have to be superwoman and carry all this weight!”  SBS can finally release all the pain she’s been carrying and help other women in the process.  Hmm…I smell a new cause!  In all seriousness, this was a very somber part of the show.

SBS Sad

Alternative Phacts – Phaedra is on the hot-seat and all we get here is more proof that she and her timelines are sketch as f*ck.  She waffles around about whether or not her divorce is final and insists she didn’t tell the other women about her divorce or that her middle name is “Creonta” because these hags are not her friends.  She reveals she paid Apollo $100K as their settlement dictated and she alludes that OHAC hooked her up with Shemar Moore and they may, or may not be seeing each other on an air mattress in the off-hours of the night.

OHAC confronts Phaedra about her notoriously hazy timelines and Phaedra produces her divorce decree, which she had hiding under her hot couch cushion this entire session.

Phaedra evidence

The dates, name spellings, appeals, and contestations still render this evidence inadmissible in reunion court.  Beyotch be chock full o’ SHIT!

Phaedra Phacts

Kandi alleges that Phaedra keeps calling the city to throw monkey wrenches in the OLG opening schedule.  There isn’t enough tittay tape in all of the ATL to piece this friendship back together.

Phaedra and Kenya get into it, then Phaedra delivers the goofiest read ever, “Nobody wants you.  You’re like an old condo they converted into a town home.”  Given my line of work, this makes me chuckle.  She meant to say “you’re like an old apartment converted into a condo.”  Idiots everywhere purchase converted properties, but I digress!

The Real Kids of ATL – We take a quick peek down memory lane and review all the amazing children and their growth process.  We also get to judge how the housewife hair has evolved, or in some cases, devolved.  Takeaways – Noelle reads Cynthia a lot, Riley is about as enthusiastic as I am when I go for my annual pap smear, Kairo still hasn’t gotten his Cargo backpack, and Ayden still deserves his own show.

Next week, Crazy-Eyed Bob joins the group.  He is sporting an overgrown beard and he is either sweating profusely all the way through the beard, or he has fallen face first into an open vat of Jheri Curl.  There is a Papa Smurf walk off and we finally confronting the malicious rumors about Kandi.

Tasty Sides

It’s the typical, let’s try and smooth out some of these frayed edges, but set up something semi-explosive, penultimate episode.  There are a lot of things still under construction here, so let’s break it down!

Chateau Shereé is still under construction, but it looks like SBS has at least moved on to the outside of the house.  Kenya pops by in her Bentley, but SBS won’t let her past the gate.  Keyna laughs at the 80 bulldozers driving around on the grounds and hardly believes this shack will be move-in ready anytime soon.  SBS extends an invite to her housewarming and sends her neighbor back to the other side of the bog.

Later, SBS and her children are packing up her condo and SBS is astonished at the amount of half-empty liquor bottles in her kitchen cabinets.  Her kids are no help as she slings their belongings into boxes.  As SBS sits down to deflate the final air mattress, she reflects…lesson learned here, never depend on anyone for anything!  Somewhere, Crazy Eyed Bob is crying in a pool of his own sweat.

Cynthia is ready to touch up her edges and move on with her life.  The first 50 years, Cynthia Bailey lived to please others, but now it’s her turn, the next 50 years are all about her!  How long you plannin’ on livin’, guuuurrrl?  Kenya calls and delivers the news that Papa Smurf is in town and creepily driving by their former marital home.

It’s Phaedra’s “burfday” and her BFF, Porsha has planned a two-person party, and what doesn’t scream “LET’S GET TURNT ALL THE WAY UP” like a tray of cold cuts, champagne, and matching Frick and Frack onesies!

Phaedra snackin

These two jump around in their onesies and Phaedra gets “Porshafied”.  Porsha starts putting various wigs on Counselors head, sidebar:  the blonde bob looks surprisingly good on her.  They settle on a black beach wave and retire to the love seat to talk trash.  Phaedra had no intention on attending the OLG opening and her friendship contract with Kandi is officially null and void!

Frick Frack

The OLG restaurant is teetering on the precipice of the extremely soft-opening.  Kandi is taking a final look over Todd’s accomplishments, or lack thereof.  Todd is promising he will get to everything in the next 24 hours, including selecting uniforms, calling in the ultimate dusting crew, installing the A/C units, and creating a menu.  But wait, HOLD UP – the outdoor patio is set up with orange folding chairs instead of the decided-upon accent color yellow chairs of non-folding variety.  Turns out Todd made an executive decision, found a deal on the Halloween party section of overstock.com.

Let’s face it, the OLG restaurant is a ramshackle disaster.  They have dust that would rival Chateau Shereé, the wall art is still printing on the ink-jet, and the CO2 vendor just called and won’t have the canisters delivered until next year.  Kandi and Todd take five, never mind that he hasn’t showered in over a week, he assures her the restaurant will be ready!  She asks how far over budget they are and he reveals $100K over, but Kandi doesn’t even bat an eye ‘cuz she so dayum rich, however she’s ready to burn down the whole operation over those orange folding chairs!

The day of the opening, Todd picks up Papa Smurf at the airport and they conveniently receive a call from inmate, Apollo, the fungus we never knew we wanted.  He wishes he could be there, but he will send his new prison pen-pal beyotch for support by proxy.  Peter asks how he already has a new woman, Apollo retorts, “sometimes you gotta upgrade” – yeah, I guess, if an “upgrade” is a woman who is willing to accept side-piece status as your mugshot is being splashed across the world wide web.  During same three-minute phone call, Apollo drops the news that his divorce isn’t official yet.  This isn’t really earth-shattering, but it casts shade over Counselor Parks, lying again about her status.

Smurf driving around

The pressure is on, Todd has about 30 minions scurrying around hanging pictures, sweeping, and breaking brand new glassware.  This place is literally held together with prayers and chewing gum.  The guests start to arrive and I caught a close up of the specialized drink menu, I think the “Mama Joyce Sour Wedge” is sure to be a best-seller!

We have a series of hella awkward events, Papa Smurf strolling in, Todd making Kandi sing a verse of “I Fly Above” without music, and of course Phaedra’s marked absence.  Perhaps the most awkward moment of the night goes to Apollo’s new girlfriend, Sherien, she walks in and of course Todd and Peter are stationed at a table by the door.  They make their introductions and Todd asks how they met.  She and Phaedra do have one thing in common, giving vague, non-committal answers.  “We found love, leave it at that!”

Todd takes Sherien over to the ladies, who are sitting in a private room, and he introduces her as the “soon to be Mrs. Nida, who is ready to knock your Spanx off”.  Sherien reveals that she had known Apollo for many years and “wifey wasn’t around, so I was”.  Kenya cackles at this news, especially considering the Counselor spewed her seven-year old vitriol on her in Maui.

Sherein

Conveniently, Sherien gets a prison call from Apollo and Kandi’s face indicates she is feeling increasingly uncomfortable.  Apollo makes sure to blurt out that his divorce isn’t final and everyone pretends to be stunned at this unsettling turn of events.  Kandi sets Apollo straight and feels this is “messy”, she makes it clear that she had no idea that Sherien was in the picture.  Sherien waltzes out, as if to say “my pot-stirring work here is done!”Convenient

Next week on the finale, the lawsuit against Kandi escalates and Kandi confronts Phaedra about it, the return of Block, Chateau Shereé is finally open for bidness, but Kenya susses out an unfinished wing of the Chateau, and the return of Wigs-n-Cigs.

Kiss and Tell

Phaedra and Kenya hit the tennis court, thinkin’ they Venus and Serena Williams.  Kenya is so pleased at their “ever-growing friendship”, but little does she realize they are about to hit some growing pains.  We know they donkey booty HAM on each other by the end of the hour.  Phaedra missed the “leggings are not pants” memo and she looks like Hello Kitty and Sesame Street had a rough night and spewed hangover vomit all over her.  Her camera interview top is hideous as well, she looks like your grandmother’s couch from the neck down.

Phaedra pants

Frikkin’ Cynthia decides to bring Papa Smurf room service and a bedazzled Bible for his birthday.  As they sit, gazing into each other’s eyes over a plate of artichoke and spinach dip, Papa Smurf admits he almost made a booty call to her last night.  Cynthia reminds us again that she would’ve been tempted, because they had no issues in that particular area.  Peter produces a friendship contract and asks her to check the box on where they stand – together, not together, dating other people, or clinging to scraps.  They both feel as if they have failed, Peter wants her back, but Cynthia has concluded she is not the marrying kind.  He leaves his door open and informs her he will not be changing his cell number.

Mini-Todd Tucker has planned a special birthday party for Papa Smurf, and he decides that instead of a pig roast, they will roast Peter.  This is the worst idea in the history of ever.  Frick and Frack roll up in their dresses slit up to the “cootie coo”, Bob Crazy Eyes trails in behind them without SBS.  After SBS shows up, everyone bombards her with questions, but she won’t be discussing anything further with the men around.  THIS MEANS YOU, CRAZY EYES!

Todd kicks off the roast, Phaedra can’t wait to dig in on Uncle Ben and serve him his ass on a platter with a “side of special rice.”  Kandi and her camel toe make some horrid jokes and the rest of the gang also fail miserably.  Most of the jokes are about being older than dirt and broke AF.  Cynthia can’t bring herself to say anything worthwhile, other than how Peter is such a champ at brushing his teeth?  What in the fresh hell is this?  SBS doesn’t see the need for a roast, Peter looks pretty well done already!  SBS FTW!

For the last day in Hawaii, the gang hops on a catamaran for a sunset cruise.  While everyone is out on the deck viewing the sunset, Bob and SBS sit down for a heart to heart talk.  Bob apologizes for whatever he said that ticked her off, which means he still sees nothing wrong with his behavior.  He just mad ‘cuz she walked out on him at the jewelry store.  SBS explains how they never discussed the things that went on in their past, him abruptly leaving when the kids were small and not calling for six months, not paying the mortgage, cutting off her credit cards, joking about murdering her, y’know just a few minor mishaps like that.  OY VEY!  This boy has been hit in the head too many times.  He has no ability to show remorse and then flips out on her.  SBS goes into the way, way, way, ugly, ugly, ugly cry and he continues to act like he didn’t do anything wrong.  Your goose is cooked, Bob.  You will never secure a place at Chateau by Shereé.  Meanwhile, on the upper deck, Cynthia gets her hair tangled in a small fan powered by her iPhone.  JESUS.  TAKE.  THE.  WHEEL!

SBS ugly cry

Kenya announces that she has a surprise for the ladies after they get back to the resort, which is an “I do, I did, I’m done, divorce party”.  We flash back to seven years ago, when SBS held her own divorce party complete with her 50 foot-tall self-portrait, which proves these events never go out of style!  Cynthia walks in and the theme immediately give her a case of the sads.  Phaedra walks in and announces she is sick to her stomach.  No girl, your spanx are too tight!  Turns out that “cackling like hyenas, kissing cartoon penises, and mocking the sanctity of marriage” aren’t received well by Cynthia and Counselor Parks!  Phaedra exits stage left in search of a ginger ale for her upset stomach.  After they are done playing “kiss the penis on the wall”, Porsha gets a text from Phaedra – “I’m good, but appalled that they would think the breakup of a family is a cause for celebration and with the host being the triflin’ woman who was texting my husband, disgusting and disgraceful.”

We flash back to two years ago, when Apollo admitted he lied and Kenya and Phaedra wiped Kenya Moore Whore’s slate clean.  But according to Phaedra, the slate has been dirtied up again.  Phaedra is gulping down her ginger ale, clutching her bosom, sticking to her story about eating some bad Mahi.  Porsha waddles in with her half-drank jug o’ Hennesey.  I have to give it to Porsha tonight, line of the episode – “first of all, what the hell, you done left me in the room, kissin’ dicks on the wall!”  Once you have waddled around a Four Seasons resort, with a half-empty jug o’ Hennesey, uttering those words – CHILE…it may be time to re-evaluate your life!

Kiss wall

Kenya shows up at the door, Porsha thinks it’s room service bearing her pineapple juice, “but an actual pineapple showed up”, meaning Kenya in her bright yellow dress, wearing her “I’m ready to confront” face of doom.  Phaedra feels the party was tacky and given that Kenya played a contentious part in the marriage, it was “a whole ‘nother level of skanky.”  Oh Counselor Parks, how quickly we forget that your no good, deadbeat, huzzzband admitted he lied.  ROLL.  THE.  EFFIN’.  TAPE!  There are not enough prayer circles, Thelma & Louise convertible car moments, and s’mores over the campfire, to save this budding friendship now.  Kenya tries to talk it out, but Phaedra ain’t havin’ it… and nothing says get the hell out of my room like a ginger ale burp to the face.

Kenya - confront

Meanwhile, back at the un-married party, the women cut up the divorce cake and of course, Porsha is happy to take two pieces back to Phaedra’s room.  Hey, you don’t get to dis the party, send hateful texts, and then have your cake and eat it too!  The men show up and break the tension for a while.  At the end of the day, Kandi gives the Hawaii trip five stars, with the highlight being Porsha admitting she is a liar.

Next time, Porsha presents Todd with a Baby-Nup Agreement, Kandi’s former assistant is still pursuing a lawsuit with Counselor Parks at his side, and Matt and Kenya go at it again in a stairwell.

Restoration Station

We are picking up where the crazy train threw us from the tracks – discombobulated, weary, and reeling.  Kandi is trying not to choke Porsha out, save that for the sex dungeon antics.  Kandi hasn’t been this far off the rails since the ill-fated pillow talk party.  Phaedra, of all people, tries to calm Kandi down, but her “at the end of the day”, catch-all, calamity management tactic is not working.  Kandi, Kenya, and Cynthia flee the scene for some well needed beauty rest, while the others stay behind to continue the parade of unstable sluts.

The next day, Kandi has a speed boat trip planned and she phones Phaedra to inform her that Porsha is persona non-grata and tasks her second mortal enemy with delivering the un-vite.  For someone who lost their shit the night before, Kandi looks hella rested and fresh.  Meanwhile, across the hall, Porsha and Todd are discussing their plans for the day and Porsha thinks she will be frolicking and cavorting about with the gang as if nothing happened.  Phaedra pops in, barely dressed, bragging about her swimsuit she has owned since she was 18.  Umm, this brings up several ponderings… 1)  The effing swimsuit doesn’t fit you in any way, shape, or form,  2)  If she has owned the swimsuit since she was 18, how in the hell does the elastic (already gripping for its last breath of life) not have dry rot?  3)  If you are tugging at your swimwear while saying the words “my booty keeps eating this swimsuit”, IT DOESN’T F*CKING FIT AND IS WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE.  We are treated to a montage of Phaedra’s freak nasty vacation wear over the years – hey guuurrrl…you do you!  And with that, Phaedra un-invites Porsha and Todd from the festivities and they are relegated to a beachside couple massage.

Phaedra swimsuit

Todd’s masseuse is squeezing his brain, maybe trying to jam some common sense back in there.  The pair goes on and on about how great the day is and a wind gust blows their umbrella down, interrupting their zen moment.  They head down to the beach and Todd spies with his little eye another couple getting married.  He teases about grabbing the preacher and getting hitched, but no shirt, no shoes, no ring, NO DICE.

No dice

The rest of the crew travels to the boat ride in two separate cars.  In car one, Papa Smurf informs Kandi that he stayed at the dinner table of doom for another hour, mainly gettin’ his drink on and soaking up the gossip.  Porsha is throwing the “bullied” word around again, which firms up Kandi’s decision to ax her from the events of the day.  We see that Kenya was consoling Kandi after the dinner, citing that Porsha “doesn’t have a pure, moral fiber in her body, so let that go.”  When Kenya Moore is your unlikely voice of reason, honey, you know your shit is f*cked up!

In car two, Phaedra continues defending her BFF in an indirect way.  “We don’t know what is a lie or what isn’t a lie!”  Really Counselor Parks?  Oh damnit all to hell, why at this stage in the game would we expect more from you?  Everyone continues to comment on how Cynthia and Peter are getting along famously and Cynthia admits in her camera interview that she may consider “one last lap around the pool.”  Maybe Phaedra will loan you her 25 year-old swimsuit from the Venus porn collection so you may seduce your soon to be ex-husband.

Anyhoo, Kenya points out that Cynthia and Peter’s divorce is imminent and SBS notes that she and Bob never could’ve gone on a trip together after they split.  Bob reminds SBS that they were driving in Las Vegas and SBS fell asleep in the car.  He considered taking her seatbelt off and slamming on the breaks “so she can fly her ass through the window.”  Kenya stares at him, completely shocked and mortified.  Bob claims he never hit SBS and she give shim the side eye.  He asked if he ever choked her and she confirms, to which he replies “if I did I’m sorry, maybe I didn’t choke you hard enough.”  Way to make a car ride uber-uncomfortable for all involved.  SBS starts getting emotional, which is the first time we have seen her cry in the history of ever.  Kenya crawls over the seat to comfort SBS while Phaedra gives Bob the evil eye and hisses at him repeatedly to apologize.  He tells SBS he never wants to be the one making her cry, and he reaches over to her like a swift, effective killing machine.  This isn’t even half of a half-assed apology, take about 100 steps back, Bob!  Be careful not to slip on your own sweat, we’d hate to see you break a hip.

SBS upset

All aboard the speedboat, which is aptly named “INSANE.”  The gang is treated to a wild ride and they are soaked with ocean water.  Everyone starts freaking out about their weaves, except for Kandi, Kenya, and the men.  Phaedra is barking that she has been Bamboozled, hoodwinked, and soaked.  I cannot help but wonder how she remained supported in that backwards, suspender, tangled up, hot mess of a swimsuit.  Later, they all sit down for dinner and the talk goes back to the night Porsha came on to Kandi like a nine-fingered hooker.  Papa Smurf wants the smutty deets on the make-out sesh, but Kandi doesn’t really entertain him.  Phaedra decides this is the opportune moment to introduce her idea of having a spiritual restoration service for everyone, and they need it ASAP ‘cuz they NEED JEZZUZ NOW!  They all stare at her blankly, but they will all be there because it is written into addendum number 2,137 of their Bravo contract.

Phaedra sets the stage for the restoration, she lays out the boxed wine and Porsha shows up with a box of Cheez-It Grooves.  Kandi walks in with her attitude and Phaedra offers Kandi some wine, which is stupid because EVERYBODY KNOWS Kandi doesn’t partake.  Everyone else arrives around 11:17 p.m. – perfect time for everyone to restore, when they are over tired, tipsy, and suffering from severe sun stroke.  Dr. Martin Luther Pahedra starts out the restoration and they discuss the abuse argument between SBS and Kenya.  Porsha is sitting in the corner waiting her turn and she is guarding that box of Cheeze-It Grooves with her life.  Kenya and SBS go at it like wild lemurs for a few minutes, then Phaedra intervenes and they chalk it up to a misunderstanding.  Phaedra opens the floor for anyone else to discuss their issues and it’s dead, awkward silence.  Porsha finally speaks up, but Kandi cuts that shit off at the knees.  She wants to be clear, she isn’t upset because she gives a f*ck about Porsha.  Kandi has supported Porsha more than anyone in the group – through her divorce, through her aspiring, horrifying singing career, all of it.  All Kandi did was say that Porsha used to run with her ex, Block, which was true.  Porsha flipped out and threw Kandi under the bus with her vicious lies.  Porsha continues to justify her response and basically admits she made it all up because she was mad.  Porsha also decides that she thinks Kandi should apologize to Phaedra for saying she was talking to multiple men before Apollo went to jail.  Phaedra slips and says “it wasn’t like I was talking to him”…Kenya immediately picks up on the Freudian slip.

restoration failure

Kandi is willing to offer an apology for insinuating that Phaedra called the FEDS and ratted them out for holding Apollos possessions in her garage, but that’s the end of the line, restoration station…the train stops here.  Cynthia is pissed, it was a waste of an outfit, makeup, wig, and eyelashes…and her gluten intolerance doesn’t permit her to enjoy the Cheez-It Grooves!

The next day, Bob invites SBS to a jewelry store to purchase a diamond ring that looks like a Pringle potato chip and laugh in her face again about some extremely painful memories.  SBS can’t deal with his continued joking about how he was an abusive, sweat-soaked, psychopath.  He claims that his laughter on the matter is a defense mechanism to keep from crying.  LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!  I think we have finally uncovered the source of Bob’s profuse, medically concerning, sweating problem.  The liquid constantly draining from his body is actually the un-cried toxic tears of rage and regret.  Bob, we implore you…let that shit flow out of your crazy ass eyes!  SBS walks out on him, after she has to wrench her arm out of his savage grip.  As she walks out, he says “I’m not laughing”, as he laughs and mops the ancient tears escaping via his forehead with an old gym towel.  SBS hits the road and has an important epiphany, Bob failed the maybe we could get back together test and she dodged a bullet!

Next time, Cynthia and Peter edge closer to taking that final lap around the pool, the girls throw a divorce party for Phaedra, SBS and Bob go at it again, and Kenya and Phaedra go at it.

Returns with Receipt

Kandi and Carmon fluff the pillows to prep for a gossip sesh with the crew, sans Frick and Fraud.  Kandi has also summoned Shamea, so they can get everything all the way out on the table.  Kandi springs the news that Porsha kissed her and offered an oral transaction to Kandi’s full satisfaction.  Cynthia starts screaming, Shamea is chugging from her red SOLO cup, SBS asks “tongue kiss?”, and Kenya falls off of her chair laughing hysterically.

Shamea chugging

SBS sees that Porsha is taking the fall for Phaedra, who was the instrumental in revving up these outlandish rumors, but more importantly, SBS cannot quite wrap her top knot around the fact that Porsha may be a “carpet muncher”.  Kandi continues and lays out another claim made by Porsha pertaining to Kandi and Todd (a.k.a. Marvin) allegedly planning to drug Porsha and Shamea and drag them back to their sex dungeon.  SCREAMING. JESUS. ON. A. FERRIS. WHEEL!  This is a new li’l nugget since last week, and I can understand why Kandi is pissed.  This is her reputation on the line, her family, and not to mention that Kandi doesn’t use drugs or alcohol.  Porsha’s anger management is failing her miserably.  She is still attacking people, but now in different form.

Cynthia freaking

Meanwhile, across town, Li’l Porsha carts a cooler full of her latest cleansing drink over to her sister’s house to rehash and garner support.  Porsha claims she was on beer goggles x 1000 and “blames it on da’ Henney!”  Okay, so you admit you were blind, stinking drunk, but can now clearly recall all these sordid details?  Maybe this lemonade/cayenne pepper cleanse is disrupting her memory, someone get this girl a carbohydrate, STAT!

The next day, Kandi and Todd are workin’ on the OLG, she is hoping to launch in about a month, and Todd has finally showered and changed his clothes.  Kandi is feeling a bit overwhelmed so she decides a trip to unwind with all of her mortal enemies is in order!  Todd, being fully familiar with the Bravo mandated trips of horror formula, invites Papa Smurf and Bob “crazy eyes” Whitfield.  Hell, why don’t you shoot a group text to Matt, Walter, and Kordell while you’re at it?  Maybe Apollo can get a furlough?

In other boring, filler news, Kenya takes her brother, niece, and nephews out for dinner.  The kids head into the bathroom to wash their hands while Kenya informs her brother about Matt’s latest antics.  She hasn’t seen Matt since Charlotte (they are on a break) and she is still making excuses for his violent behavior.  Her brother points out that she doesn’t have time to wait for him to mature and real-life relationships don’t get “breaks”.  So now we see who received the “voice of reason” gene in her family.

Cynthia and Kandi invite Phaedra out for some fish tacos – can we find the irony here?  Kandi invites Phaedra on the trip and informs Cynthia that Papa Smurf will be tagging along.  Cynthia is okay with the arrangement, she will have her own room and maybe she can get her nineteenth dose of “closure”.  I am not sure how much “closure” this woman needs, but it’s beginning to sound like “closure” is their code word for “booty call”.  Phaedra is a li’l wary because that is where she and Apollo honeymooned, so naturally she needs her security blanket, BFF Porsha.  Cynthia asks Phaedra what she thinks about all the Kandi chatter, but Phaedra doesn’t have “a cock in this fight”, so she is happy to sit back and watch her BFF go down like a fat kid on a seesaw.

SBS meets up with Bob “Crazy Eyes” Whitfield, for a quick prison work out.  Meaning upper body only, no bending over or squatting.  Before he even does his first bicep curl, he is sweating like a farm animal.  SBS invites him, his extra strength anti-perspirant, and his compression socks to Maui, but they will not be shackin’ up.  SBS feels the trip will be a good test to see if they can travel together without it being a cluster f*ck.

Phaedra and Porsha meet at a back-alley spa so they can shed some fat cells prior to flaunting their cellulite in Maui.  Porsha shows up looking like she just tumbled out of the 70’s porn section of the local costume shop.  The spa ladies wrap up Phaedra in some used Hefty garbage bags and then swaddle her in an electric blanket like a burrito.  Shit girrrrl, you coulda done this at home!  After Phaedra slithers out of her Hefty bags, she throws on some props to perform a hula dance for Porsha and invites her on the trip.  Porsha hesitates, but then remembers her Bravo contract requires her to attend all of the group trips from hell.  Have Bravo paycheck, will travel!

Phaedra Hula

Everyone is arriving at the airport, but Porsha thinks Hawaii is out of the country and is apparently lost on the underground rail road.  Eventually everyone arrives at the Four Seasons Maui and they disperse to their respective rooms to prepare for the dinner of doom, despite their severe jet lag.  Todd tells Kandi he is not looking forward to dinner “cuz that’s where y’all pop off”.  Spoken like a true former producer!

Porsha arrives at dinner with her own plus one, her new-sorta-kinda-boyfriend/booty call plus program, future baby-daddy, Todd.  Everything is awkward and quiet and Kandi goes into prayer, “Please Jesuzz…don’t let me snap off on dis’ beyotch!”  SBS and her top knot ain’t havin’ it, she breaks the ice and recommends that everyone get their crap out on the table.  She confronts Porsha first about saying slanderous things, but Porsha is sticking to her story.  The conversation escalates quickly and Cynthia points out that Porsha has said many damaging things to the ladies, but doesn’t have receipts to back it up.  Porsha throws a snide dagger her way “your divorce decree is your receipt!”  Well, Kandi don’t play, she comes at the lying bitch with both barrels and produces semi-glossy, full-color, handouts for the group.  A screen shot of the text from Porsha a few days after the aggressive lesbian propositioning.  The text is basically Porsha admitting things got crazy and what happens in Queens stays in Queens – she will deny, deny, deny.

Porsha text msg

Phaedra waves her prayer cloth around in an effort to calm everyone down, but she hears about the latest drugging accusation and is relegated to take several seats.  Kandi tells Porsha she will sue her if she keeps her shit up.  Papa Smurf tries to calm it down, but Kandi is Vaselined up and ready to thunder punch Porsha in the throat.  To be continued…

Next week, Phaedra brings up her idea of holding a “restoration service come to Jesuzz” sesh for the ladies, Kandi and Phaedra face off, SBS and Kenya get into it, and Bob Crazy Eyes and SBS confront their physical abuse rumors.

Anger Mismanagement

It’s like seeing a unicorn on roller skates, Phaedra and Kenya are taking a trip to Michigan a la Thelma and Louise style!  They are throwing caution to the wind, hunni, up until they arrive at the camp where Kenya can’t bring herself to sleep on a luxury cot in “prison” like conditions.  Yes, it seems our Miss USA might be too good to stay at the actual camp and take one for the children.  Phaedra shrugs off Kenya’s diva demonstration and they tour the camp grounds on a dusty golf cart.  Leave it to Kenya to wear all white to a camp ground and leave it to her to shout at the campers, “I was Miss USA”.  The young girls run over to her, not because of her crown, but they are more interested in her teacup terriers.

kenya-car

The next day, Kenya hops on the shuttle from the Holiday Inn Express just in time to deliver her presentation for the “Character Development” portion of the program.  She speaks about having courage to follow her dreams and how she fought to become Miss USA three times.  Just think, if she had given up after being twice rejected, we may not have been blessed with knowing the insane asshole that is Kenya Moore.  She invites some of the girls to join her in shouting from the deck top “I’m Fabulous!” and to learn how to twirl their problems away!  A twirl a day keeps the haters at bay!

On day three, Phaedra is up to bat and she takes the kids out for some fun activities, such as zip line and a boat ride.  Later there’s a talent show and I am praying to the Real Housewife Gods that Kenya won’t start yelling about coochie crack and call SECURRRITYYY!  Some of the boys start sharing their stories about not knowing their parents or witnessing their parents being killed, there is not a dry eye in the house.  Some of the campers gather around Phaedra and thank her for getting them out of their situation, even if it’s only for a week.  It’s actually quite touching and Phaedra has actually done a Phine thing for these children.

phaedra-hugs

Back in the ATL, it’s not all rainbows and panda bears.  Porsha and Todd sit down to dinner and he tells her that his boss is ultra-conservative and gave him an ultimatum – your job or your DNC supporting Instagram girlfriend.  He proudly tells Porsha that he chose her boobs and being scantily clad on Instagram over a steady paycheck, an act he anticipates Porsha will receive as valiant.  However, she trips like a crack-house rat and labels him irresponsible.  Todd’s reaction is odd, he is giggling like a school boy as he eats bites of her salmon off her plate.  Her cleavage has clearly overpowered all of his common sense.  I am so proud of our little Porsha, she’s like…adulting, and shit.

porsha-boobs

Later, we learn that Porsha fainted at the nail shop and she has a fainting condition caused by not enough blood flow to the brain.  So.  Many.  Jokes.  Here.  Todd drops by with some ice cream and he is all over her like a smitten kitten.  She feels the fainting spells are due to stress and Todd’s behavior is a baby-making-deal-breaker.  Sidebar:  Porsha is wearing very little makeup in this scene and she actually looks very pretty.  She should set her makeup gun to “natural idiot hooker” a bit more often.

Meanwhile, Cynthia moves into Kandi’s home, and as she is backing her Range Rover up the driveway, Kandi is befuddled.  Cynthia shouts out the window “I have to unload”, but Kandi didn’t expect more than an overnight bag.  Cynthia has brought an amalgam of bizarre sleep over supplies, a small collection of wigs, cereal, Febreeze, and three large jugs of cranberry juice for that nasty UTI she picked up at the Club One opening.  The next morning as Cynthia carts her Fruit Loops to the kitchen, she receives a call from Flavia Labia, realtor at large.  The lake house is clear to close.  Kandi breathes a sigh of relieve and mops her sweaty stress brow with Baby Ace’s receiving blanket.

Speaking of being a sweaty mess, Bob takes SBS to some sort of combination Parisian gift shop, defunct restaurant, and burlesque club in his continued effort to win her back.  This place looks like it would smell of cat food and sadness.  Bob was trying to summon the fond memories of a trip they had taken to Paris, not to be confused with their Spain trip, when Bob ended up throwing a glass of wine in the face of SBS and both were thrown out of the country.  Ahh…memories!  They share a private dinner and a single, pitiful cabaret girl performs.  Once again, Bob is sweating like a farm animal.  Seriously dude, this is hospitalization level sweating.  It’s alarming and disconcerting, get that shit checked out.  Bob lumbers up on the stage and starts dancing, the lone cabaret girl teases him about scheduling an appointment for a real lesson because well, he sucks.  He plops back down by SBS and gives her a canned speech, thanking her for being a wonderful mother to their children and SBS inches closer to the possibility of reuniting.

sbs-benig-wooed

The ladies meet for early-dinner by Phaedra, as a thank you for the participating in the pop-up-shop fund raising.  Phaedra has been inspired by the lumpy cots and hot dogs and decides they shall all go “glamping”.  Kenya thinks the impending trip is an opportune moment to ask Porsha how her anger management training is going.  Or not going for that matter.  Faster than a blink of a false eyelash, they go off the rails.  Kenya and Porsha are going at it and then Kandi piles on.  SBS gets line of the night, “I don’t think Porsha’s anger management has anything to do with taking a trip, I mean if the bitch wanna f*ck you up, she gonna do it in Atlanta!”  WORD!

Kenya keeps asking obnoxious questions, “are you on medication, did you get a certificate?”  As Kandi continues to rag at her, Porsha tells her to stop “piggybacking” on Kenya’s hogwash.  Kandi tells her to “piggyback yo’ ass up!”  The two say “piggyback” about 17 more times, to the point where it’s laugh-out-loud funny.  If you are playing the drinking game at home, hide your keys.  You are officially above the legal limit.

Porsha decides to walk away because her emotional temperature is becoming medically dangerous.  I feel for Porsha somewhat because Phaedra did lead Kenya to believe that Porsha was open to discussing the anger management classes she was attending for like, one episode.  Phaedra and SBS chase after Porsha, and Kenya insists on trailing behind, spewing more of her venom-nitro-fuel on the fire.  This is the segment I like to call, “Arguin’ in the Parkin’ Lot”.

arguing-in-parking-lot

After Porsha tears out of the parking lot trying to run Kenya over like a scurvy dog, the remaining trolls discuss what went down.  SBS points out that Kenya does provoke people, for example Matt playing whack-a-mole with her garage windows.  Kenya tries to throw some shade at SBS saying she would know, having been in abusive relationships.  SBS knows not of what she speaks and tells her, “giiirrrlll…you wish you were on my level!”  With that, Kenya busts open her never ending bag o’ crazy and squats down and starts duck walking around the parking lot.  Not to demonstrate the strength of her hamstrings and donkey booty dear reader, but rather to illustrate that SBS level is one of low-walking duck.keep-calm-and-duck-walk

Porsha returns to the scene of the crime at Phaedra’s request, but everyone has already fled.  Phaedra, SBS, and Porsha go back into the restaurant to hash it out.  Phaedra chalks it up to Kenya’s lack of maturity, but Porsha suspects she is drinking the Kenya Kool-Aid.  Porsha, still in full-on adulting mode, confronts her BFFL about telling Kenya that Porsha wanted to address the group about her anger management, but in typical Phaedra fashion, she denies saying anything of the sort.  ROLL.  THE.  MOTHERF*CKEN’ TAPE!  Porsha warns Phaedra that Kenya is a fake friend and she must exercise extreme caution.  Frick and Frack are starting to crack!

Next week – shopping for glamping, SBS continues to stir the pot, and Cynthia talks to Matt about Kenya.

Smacking Miss Daisy

Well this week the ATL ladies are teeing up more drama than Tiger Woods.  We start with Kenya and Cynthia heading to the do-it-yourself dog wash.  First item of note is that gladiator sandals that wrap up the calf are not a good look for Kenya.  Her calves are bulging out of those things like stuffed sausage.  Second item of note is that Kenya kisses her dogs with full on tongue.  I’m not talkin’ just allowing the dog to lick her, but Kenya sticking her tongue out as far as it will go and waiting for the dog to lick her back.  Twirl is a smart pup, she refuses the lick, she knows where that tongue has been!  Speaking of where Kenya’s tongue roams…she and Matt are DUNZO…well for now, unless of course he gets it together and graduates from anger management and commits to attending three Rageaholics Anonymous meetings per week.  Then, and only then, may he have the proper potential with which Kenya may fall deeper in lust.

In other lip-licking news, Kenya informs her new BFF, Cynthia, that Papa Smurf has booked her to host the opening at Bar One and Done in Charlotte.  Cynthia is glad Kenya informed her since Papa Smurf didn’t inform her that he would be commandeering all of her friends in the divorce.  Kenya invites Cynthia to be her “date” since Matt will be held hostage at Tool Academy.  Across town, Peter is deep in the midst of a post-divorce crisis and purchases a Mercedes convertible on an open line of credit that Cynthia forgot to close.

In Porsha news, she is packing up the last of her things at her old home and finds that her mother was there and had left an old can of whipped cream on the counter.  Things that make you go “hmmmm”.

hmmm

She packs up that whipped cream and high-tails it to her mother’s house until she finds her new station in life.  She sneaks her new ex-boyfriend, Todd, into the house and shows him her Yoni egg and reads the informational pamphlet to him.  She uses the pamphlet to sage the air, puts some of the old whipped cream on a moldy strawberry, throws a mixed tape into the boom box, and they commence to have a good time as if they are teenagers again.

SBS is rocking a literal leopard print jump suit.  Literally with neon leopard bodies all over it.  She visits her publisher, apparently SBS is writing a juicy book.  It’s a tell-all/fiction/auto-biography/non-fiction/half-caf/3-shot/no foam/novel, entitled “Wives, Fiancées, and Side-Chicks of Hotlanta”.  The novel is loosely based on reality – this means you ATL cast-mates – and she will include all of the juicy stories she has been harboring in her mental filing cabinet of death.

Later, SBS decides to try Parkour as a new workout and a divisive way to injure Bob.  He jumps off a block and practically blows out a knee.  He is schvitzing like an overworked farm animal, but is saved by the bell as SBS takes a call from her publisher.  Naturally Bob is curious about what is going in the “tell-all” novel, specifically about him and wants to know if he gets any royalties.  He hopes this venture will be better than the fashion show with no clothes.  At least we know the book will have pages.

In other drama, Todd shows Kandi some cryptic Instagram post from Johnnie, Kandi’s ex-assistant.  Johnnie eludes to Kandi being disloyal and fake, but Kandi notes she had to let Johnnie run with the wind because he was starting his event planning bidness on the side and losing his focus on adequately wiping her butt after her defcon 5 dumps.  Kandi has him on the payroll for her upcoming Bedroom Kandi event, so let the confrontation begin!

kandi-pissed

At the 4th annual Bedroom Kandi convention, Kandi is bustling about greeting her sales force and ogling new vibrators for same-sex couples.  She pulls Johnnie off of dildo duty for a chat about his bitchy social media post.  She asks why he’s “feelin’ some kinda way” about her.  Johnnie is apparently still bitter about being fired by Don Juan the asshole and being underpaid.  Kandi tightens her pony-tail and clarifies that he had his side-bidness going and she knew it was only a matter of time before the side-bidness became priority, annnd he accepted the job for the pay rate he was making.  Johnnie isn’t backing down and as Kandi’s current thug-lette staff surrounds him, you can see the actual bridge burning to the ground.  Kandi tells him that he can call her a bitch or an asshole, but don’t call her fake!  She whips her ponytail around and tells Johnnie she will take her fake money and go elsewhere.  Johnny done fucked up.

Later, Johnnie pays a visit to Counselor Parks because he thinks he has a case against Kandi and her Factory.  Phaedra is taken aback, she thought they were “closer than two butt cheeks”.  Well the butt cheeks have separated in an unsightly manner, Johnnie claims he was wearing many hats for Kandi and wasn’t fairly compensated.  He presents Phaedra with his old paystubs for $500 a week, working 80 plus hours, and no benefits – a sad Johnnie mutters “I had to do Obamacare”.  She asks why he stuck around and he thought they would be bidness partners eventually, specifically in the restaurant venture.  He felt slapped in the face when Kandi went down restaurant road with Todd and the OLG, leaving Johnnie sad and penniless.  Phaedra gives him some false-hope, tells him he has a great case to recoup back pay or loss of future profits, and will refer him to a lawyer that specializes in that area of law.

phaedra-johnnie

Down in Charlotte, Cynthia and Kenya settle in their hotel room only to find that Matt has begun a social media rampage after learning that Kenya had Peter cancel his plane ticket without telling him.  He is hoppin’ mad and is driving to Charlotte, threatening Kenya via text to come back to him or he’s gonna go HAM (HOT ASS MESS).  As if that is even more possible at this point?!?!

go-ham

Club One is hoppin’ and Peter spots Cynthia walkin’ in “lookin’ like an ice cream cone”.  She takes him aside to explain that Kenya will not be attending due to the Matt situation, but she will step in as host for a modest cut of the booking fee.  Kenya decides to show up anyway and Matt rolls up at the same precise moment to confront Kenya.  Perfect timing Bravo intern!  We see Matt head over to her car, we hear a scuffle on the mic, and learn that Matt has opened the door and smacked the driver.  Matt squeals off in his SUV of doom and Peter phones him to find out What.  The.  Actual.  Fuck.

Matt claims the driver rolled his neck up in the window, so he smacked him.  Damn, I wish we could’ve seen that moment on tape!  Papa Smurf doles out some fatherly advice and tells him to slowly back-away from this relationship.  He tells Kenya the same thing and she is crying, AGAIN, “HE HAS SO MUCH POTENTIAL!”  At the end of the event, Cynthia gives Peter props for the Club One and Done opening and he hints that he lives right down the street…wink, wink…but Cynthia isn’t dipping her ice cream cone tonight, or any night!  She and her top knot smartly dismiss his overture as she mutters “awwwkward!”

awkward-meme

Next week – More broken glass at Moore Manor, Cynthia and Kenya become uninvited house guests at Kandi-Land, and the return of Marlo “Check my Charges” Thompson.

Talkin’ it Out

Porsha has volunteered to babysit for Phaedra’s boys so that Counselor Parks can attend to her personal bidness.  Porsha is ready for her “dry-run” at practicing single parenthood, but Mr. President and his sidekick Dylan are giving her a run for her money.  Porsha orders they put on their “Pajammy jams” and get ready for bed, but Mr. President Ayden is a shrewd toddler.  He negotiates some additional playtime, a new toy, an extra story, a bedtime snack, and a 529 College Fund.  Probably the funniest moment is when Porsha thinks she has misplaced Ayden, but he is actually hiding behind a chair changing into is pajammy jams so that he won’t be exposed on camera.  You would think Bravo could muster up a small black modesty box that would cover his whole being.  When Counselor Parks returns from the salon after getting her polish change, Porsha collapses on the couch and runs through the seven stages of single parenting, disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and finally acceptance/hope.  Porsha admits she may need a partner to help raise a family.  It takes a village, or at least a willing ex-boyfriend with a mega-watt smile!

Later, Porsha brings Todd to her mother’s home for a family dinner, Todd is on the menu…hop on da’ grill young man!  Todd is extremely quiet and sporting his best perma-grin, he seriously looks like he just rolled out of Snoop Dogg’s man cave.  Lauren gets the full dirt on Todd – he and Porsha dated a few years in their early twenties, Todd was fresh out of a relationship when he got the text from Porsha, and he has two sons, 16 and 14.  This is like a scene out of the Bachelorette where the family grills the jumpy suitor – but Todd proclaims he would gladly start a family with Porsha because he loves her.  Porsha is floored that Todd was first to drop the L-Bomb and it is usually she who is the aggressor, all the way to the restraining order phase of the relationship.  She is working her new anger management, patience, and act like a normal woman skills – they are paying high dividends!

porsha-todd

We have learned that li’l Ayden didn’t want to be exposed on camera, however another housewife son has no problem baring all.  Kairo is in the makeup chair and stage mom SBS sprays him down with Pam cooking spray – he is ready rock the photo shoot and assemble a portfolio for his impending modeling career.  Bob and his crazy eye waddle in – seriously, what is up with this guy – he walks like he has a janky knee and a trick hip.  Bob pretends to be horrified and covers up Kairo with his white embroidered western wear shirt – careful Bob, Pam cooking spray will leave a nasty stain!  SBS is happy that her ex showed up to support their son, but she is firm in her position of “Momager”.

kairo-modelling

Later, SBS and Kairo request a professional evaluation from Cynthia Bailey – owner of the Bailey Agency for wayward models.  Cynthia can’t take her eyes off of Kairo and asks to see his abs, drop down and give her 20, and strike some serious Blue Steel.  Cynthia is so overwhelmed by his smokin’ hotness, she is sweating like Bob Whitfield!  SBS thinks Kairo is ready to walk at NY Fashion Week, after all SBS is the expert – she can throw a fashion show with no clothes.  Cynthia laughs her middle-aged model ass off and cautions SBS to slow her momager roll.

It may not hurt Cynthia to have a new client by way of Karo, she also learns that her offer of $940,000 on the new lake house was accepted!  Cynthia is thrilled, she prayed for a tub like the one in the lake house, where she can soak off the greazy film of her marriage.

Sidebar:  Cynthia’s real estate agent, Flavia, called to give her the news and I could have sworn Cynthia said “Labia”.  Not sure that is worth mentioning, but it sure gave me a chuckle!  Could you imagine…  Anyhoo – the Bravo paychecks are keepin’ her dream alive for now, but now we wait until Papa Smurf files for spousal support.  MMM HMMM, betta make those coins, gurrrrrl!

On the Kenya Moore front, she is safely secured inside Moore Manor, except for the area where Matt kicked out the IKEA grade glass from the garage doors.  She calls her father on her iPhone, which Matt apparently also smashed, and she gives her father the update.  Papa don’t take no mess and his ass is on a plane to ATL as they speak – First Class PUH-LEAZE!

Ronald arrives and we get a better look at Moore Manor in its finished state, which I have to say is quite nice.  She has one of those really cool, modern, abstract light fixtures that are so expensive I cannot bring myself to buy one.  Anyway, she pretends to cook dinner by way of some frozen Trader Joe’s meals and Ronald is on an anti-Matt rant and points out each painfully evident fact about how the relationship is doomed.  Kenya’s face keeps falling with each sentence he utters – she expresses probably one of the worst things a woman can about a flailing relationship, “he has potential”.  Don’t do it Miss USA – do not fall in love with a man’s POTENTIAL!  Just like we learned last week, good fried chicken don’t pay da bills, and neither does potential!

Kenya and Ronald arrive at a cigar bar and wait for Matt to arrive, but after 30 minutes he is still a no show.  No show.  No pay da’ bills.  Kenya’s shattered iPhone reflects the status of her relationship – Matt is not coming and his li’l thumbs of fury needed to send 17 irrational text messages to convey that simple thought!  Kenya rings him up and Matt says he isn’t coming because he feels manipulated.  Kenya warns Matt to watch his tone and he hangs up.  Now Ronald is pissed, and he’s HONGRAY!

ronald-angry

Matt finally strolls in, wearing his best Garanimals from the “Where’s Waldo” collection and proceeds to tell Ronald that Kenya doesn’t respect his boundaries – he is not about to be her li’l beyotch.  Ronald lectures both of them about “give and take”, but ultimately tells Matt he is going to have to accept Kenya’s crazy twirling and lack of baseboards in her home or get into his truck and put the pedal to the metal!

matt-kenya

Now, let’s get down to the real reason we all slogged through the last 43 minutes of this shit show…At the Kandi Koated Factory, Kandi is conveniently having a meeting with her shade-throwin’ staff when Phaedra’s assistant calls to set up a dinner meeting.  The staff looks confused, Don Juan asks “what the goallllll?”  Kandi gives them the bomb threat briefing and of course they all rally around the woman signing their paychecks and agree that Phaedra’s version of the bomb threat story is bullshit.  Kandi speculates that the “bodyguard” hired by Phaedra is actually her new boyfriend and the bottom line is that Kandi isn’t cool with the continual inconsistent stories.  Sidebar:  Kandi looks smokin’ in her purple dress – it must be the victorious radiance from casting all the shade on her former BFF.

kandi-purple-dress

Over at Phaedra’s office, she receives a visit from Drama’s mother to discuss the bomb threat.  Phaedra was upset about all the “sensationalized” stories that went around the ATL and she is angry with Kandi for not reining in Mama Joyce when she said that Drama “wanted to blow you the f*ck up!”  Not too much to see here, but Drama’s Mama looks like she’s seen some thangs…#ifyaknowwhatimsayin’!

The final showdown takes place at Katana Teppanyaki and Sushi, where the wait staff wear plaid lumberjack shirts.  The two former besties start goin’ at each other right out of the gate and they both have a laundry list of grievances against one another.  After they run through the good ol’ standards…Mama Joyce, Todd, Sexual Chocolate, and beyond… Kandi feels that Phaedra milked Apollo’s incarceration to garner sympathy, when all the while she had been telling Kandi she couldn’t wait for his power-drill wielding dumb ass to be gone.  Further weaving her tales of woe, Phaedra tells Kandi she may have loved her more than her huzzzband, but Kandi isn’t down with melting in Phaedra’s hands or her mouth.  Um…EWW!  They decide to bid each other goodbye and best wishes, Kandi makes a swift exit, while Phaedra remains seated and pretends to peruse the menu, hmmm….Rainbow or Seattle Roll?

Next time – Cynthia shows her boobs, SBS shares the rumor about Phaedra skippin’ around on Apollo before he want to jail, and Kandi is mad about something, again.

Around the Block

Around and around we go, which ex will return, which old feud will erupt, which product launch will fail, NOBODY KNOWS!  Cynthia and Noelle are playing a rousing game of tennis, whereby Cynthia is amazed she can even make contact with the ball.  They take a break after five minutes and Cynthia tells Noelle that the upcoming L.A. trip will be, not only to look at colleges and take a meetin’ with her baby daddy, Leon, but Cynthia has hereby appointed Noelle as the fresh face of her new “Cargo” bag line!  Noelle is ready to ride on her mother’s coat tails, but wait, it involves talking to people and like, standing and stuff?!?!  At the launch event, Noelle is glued to her phone and complaining that her feet hurt, like a good li’l millennial.  Cynthia tells her that life hasn’t even begun to kick her ass yet, and she better suck it up buttercup!

pity-train

After the event, Leon takes Cynthia and Noelle to dinner, but Noelle cuts out right after the appetizer to attend a concert.  The real question here is, what happened to Cynthia and Leon, why are they not together?!?!  #teamleonamiright!  Cynthia breaks down in tears over her pending divorce and cries off her false eyelashes, Leon tells her that she looks beautiful without any makeup.  Cynthia, what more do you need?

Kandi pays a visit to her Mama Joyce and she sets up Baby Ace in a really cool, rotating baby seat.  While Ace chills in his contraption, Mama Joyce is all about da’ Benjamins!  Her two burning questions, does she get paid for babysitting and is Block going to cough up the $50K he owes Kandi in child support?  I love me some bat-shit crazy Mama Joyce, but holy buckets o’ ballz does she have a one-track mind.  Take a look around at that all expenses paid, fully furnished, 10,000 square foot house you rompin’ around in!  As they discuss Block, Mama Joyce goes full throttle off the edge and her wig-lette starts spinning!  This subject matter of clearly infuriates her.  She wants Block to get an “LLC: Lien, License, or Cash!”  While Mama Joyce focuses on counting coins, I am still mesmerized by the baby seat and wondering if they make them for adults!

mama-joyce-babysit

Phaedra and Kenya appear to be in a “good place”, but they are not “friendship contract” status just yet.  Phaedra fishes around for information on the confrontation between Kenya and She by Shereé and suggests Kenya owes an apology.  Phaedra cuts to the chase and discusses why she really invited Kenya out for tea and crumpets.  She is getting ready for her Phaedra Foundation camp and wants former Miss Michigan to be involved, even though Kenya is crazy as a bedbug.  These two can act as cordial as they want, but trading shade while talking in their indoor, irrational skank voices does not a friendship make.

phaedra-kenya-tea

Bob invites She by Shereé to dinner and Bob is dressed like he just rolled out of Mickey Rourke’s hotel room and She by Shereé is dressed to kill.  As he escorts her up to the “Loving Hut” vegan cuisine in a strip mall, She by Shereé is insulted.  He needs to cough up some serious surf and turf if he is trying to woo himself a room at Chateau Shereé.  What a waste of an outfit and a top knot.  Bob the Buffoon suggests the KFC down the block if she wants meat, but she agrees to enter the Loving Hut with much trepidation.  Bob the Buffoon orders a burger and asks for bacon.  She by Shereé has had it with his crazy eye and stupid jokes, she walks him through a half-assed apology and he finally gets a grip.  He takes a moment to firm his resolve and quell any misgivings and actually apologizes for cheating on She by Shereé and contaminating their indoor hot tub.  She accepts his apology and attempts to say a few words, but Bob is drooling like a half-wit over her titty glitter.  Food arrives, they take two bites, and beat feet to the KFC.

sheree-bob

Phaedra feels that laser tag would be a fun activity for the ladies and to discuss her Phaedra Foundation, but all they are focused on is poppin’ caps in each other’s assess.  After they run around and terrorize the staff, they sit down to discuss creating a pop-up shop so each lady can peddle their inferior wares to raise money for the children.  Ironic that Porsha, of all people, comments that selling Bedroom Kandi dildos to raise money for children is wildly inappropriate.

Phaedra’s main tactical error at said meeting is asking if Kenya and She by Shereé can co-exist in harmony.  This sets off a chain of events that appears to last for several minutes.  Kenya and She by Shereé start arguing, food arrives and Kandi is immediately stress eating, and her chewing is so audible that Kenya takes a moment to snap at her as well.  The “Bitch” and “Ho” insults are tired, as Kandi points out, “everyone has had a bitch or ho moment in life”.  Kenya throws an insult about She by Shereé’s “tired Mama Joyce wig” and Kandi’s head spins around 10 times and she is forced to put down her chicken Caesar wrap.  Mouth full, she spews “don’t you be talkin’ about my MAMA!”  Kenya and She by Shereé agree to chill and behave, for the sake of the children.

kandi-eatin

To wrap up the drama this week, Kandi takes Mama Joyce out for a manicure to repay her for watching Baby Ace rotate in his baby seat.  Mama Joyce takes a moment to inform Kandi that she has found her new BFF and her name is Moscato!  When she drinks it, she can conquer the world!  Foreshadowing???  What timing, Block makes his producer mandated call and says he wants to have a sit down with Kandi about co-parenting.  Mama Joyce jumps in and begins to give him a Moscato read!  She wants that $50K!  Kandi is appalled and tells him he should be working on his relationship with 14-year-old Riley – directly!  He delivers the standard Narcissistic rhetoric, claims he’s been calling, but they don’t call him back, blah, blah, blah!  Mama Joyce wins moment of the night when she starts making the international hand gesture for “show me the money and make it rain up in here!”  Block gets angry and says he’s “not chasin’ nobody”.  Kandi points out if he was the dad he was supposed to be, he wouldn’t have to worry about lack of communication.  He rolls up every two years saying he’s going to do better, but to no avail.  They hang up, Kandi vents, and enters dangerous “ugly cry” territory.  Just as Mama Joyce is about to pipe up, Kandi puts the kibosh on the conversation, because unlike Cynthia, she will not be crying off her falsies!

Next week, off roadin’, Matt punching walls at Moore Manor, She by Shereé’s son is caught driving while high, and Phaedra receives a grenade at her office!

Stumbling Blocks

Phaedra, Porsha, and She by Shereé roll into an Italian restaurant for some lunch, all wearing work out gear and ordering up thick cut bacon to replace any fat they inadvertently burned off while walking in from the parking lot.  Phaedra announces something about sporting camel toe, which is unavoidable for these three.  I think I can hear the faint screams of the spandex.  Phaedra fills them in on her amicable lunch with Kenya and how Miss Kenya is behaving these days.  “That’s what a li’l dick will do”, declares Counselor Parks.  She by Shereé clarifies, “a little dick, or like a little dick?”  Visual:  She by Shereé holding her index finger and thumb about an inch apart.  That’s what a li’l steroids will do!

Meanwhile, Matt and Kenya appear to have mended their relationship for now, that’s what doing a few squats in the unfinished lawn will do!  Kenya is recounting something about her current disdain with the universe, Matt looks off into the distance, wondering what type sauce he’s gonna dip his chicken fingers into at lunch time.

Matt lets Kenya out of the car and refers to her as “Miss America”, and I can’t help but wonder why her head didn’t spin around 12 times after all her season one “It’s Miss USA” drama.  They head into a restaurant to meet Matt’s parents and sister.  The sister is the tough critic and has Kenya sized up in about a milli-second and nobody is buying her canned Miss USA answers.  Matt’s sister asks Kenya if she considers herself a cougar, and as we watch Kenya seething in her seat, Matt stares off into the distance, wondering if he should get the sampler platter with the mini-tacos or the spicy pulled pork sliders.

matt-spaced-out

Later, Matt takes Kenya to Ohio for his family reunion and insists they drive because it’s only six hours.  Kenya would rather have every hair pulled out of her body simultaneously than get into the white Range Rover and be forced to complain for six hours and sleep for two.  At the reunion, we see Kenya in a full-on Beyoncé Lemonade ensemble, teaching the younger girls her moves.  Matt’s sister pulls her off the dance floor to once again express her apprehension about this relationship, mainly the age difference.  Matt’s mother saves the day and bounces over for a drunken selfie with her future daughter in law.  Deal sealed!

She by Shereé visits her ex, Bob Whitfield and he invites her in for a smoothie and to show off his revenge bod by way of thick-n-meaty thigs.  She by Shereé practically chokes on her smoothie, not because she finds Bob appealing, but because said smoothie is made of rotten fruit and expired Activia yogurt.  Bob breaks out into a full-blown flop sweat, like almost medically concerning.  He asks her if he can move into Chateau Shereé, but there isn’t enough Activia in all of the ATL that can make this proposition easier to digest.  She shoots him down and notes that the only thing she is hookin’ up with is some electricity!

sheree-smoothie

Cynthia is still reeling from her impending divorce and receives a visit from sister Malorie and her mother.  They sit for a chat and Malorie reveals that Papa Smurf is her new BFFL and has her on speed dial.  Cynthia’s mind is blown and it almost ignites her fedora.  Peter has confided in Mal that he misses Cynthia, but Cynthia is steadfast in her decision.  Guess he should’ve thought about that when he was being a shitty husband.

cynthia-malorie

In other ex- news, Phaedra and Porsha head out for a nature walk into the enchanted forest, wearing their favorite colors, bright and tight.  Porsha reveals she is considering hooking up with an ex-boyfriend for a sperm donation, she wants a baby damnit and why should she have to wait for a man?  She consults Counselor Parks to draft a “baby-nup”, but being the good BFF that she cautions Porsha against this idea.  Frick and Frack have the attention spans of gnats, to they quickly get sidetracked by a tree wearing a corset?

porsha-walk-woods

Later, Porsha invites her ex- boyfriend to a kickboxing class and before her tittie sweat can even dry, she is already asking him if he will provide a sperm donation.  Much to Porsha’s chagrin, he is not up for the task (pun kinda both intended and not intended).  Maybe Porsha should give a different ex a call…

At the Kandi Koated Factory, baby Ace is learning how to use a highlighter and planning a block party for the OLG Restaurant opening.  A woman named Kris Kelli pops in, Kandi and her gang are stunned.  Whomever this interloper is, she is not welcome and sends Todd walking away as if he has just been hit by a tranquilizer dart.  Kandi clarifies that this person is Kris Kelli, an artist who happens to be signed with Block.  I’m watching this thinking, Block… as in been around the…  New kids on the…   Kandi clarifies that Block is an ex and happens to be Riley’s father, so i.e., Kandi’s “baby daddy”.  Kris Kelli is also bangin’ Block and feels it is her civic duty to tell Kandi that Block and Riley need to mend their relationship.  Sensing the tension, Kandi pulls Kris into her office to sit in the hot pink pleather seat of truth.  Kris gives her a song and dance, Kandi gives her the patented “bitch ain’t havin’ it” expression and calls SECURITY to escort Miss Kris back where she came from.

kandi-sees-kris

Later, She by Shereé invites Kandi to “work out”, but we all know Kandi’s idea of working out is falling asleep on a yoga mat.  They work out for about three minutes and then cop a squat to have their producer mandated chat.  Kandi tells She by Shereé about the “pop in” visit from Kris and She by Shereé notes that all this time she has known Kandi, she has never heard a word about Block.  We also learn that Porsha used to “kick it” with Block.  Kick the can…kick ball?  Anyhoo, She by Shereé waxes philosophical, she doesn’t have a relationship with her father either and it give her a case of the sads.  Kandi gets upset as well, because she doesn’t want to do burpees and, well because Block blows.

kandi-work-out

We get a glimpse of the conversation happening in Block’s world as he discusses the Kandi/Riley situation with Kris and Kandi’s friend, Lena.  Block looks like he would smell like motor grease and conceit.  Of course, their narrative is the opposite, Block claiming he tried to be there for Riley.  Lena actually calls him out a bit and he does the side-step, backpeddle, shuffle.  If he really tried, then why is he sending his minion to do his dirty work?  In the WTF moment of the night, we see that Block has a Chevrolet logo tattooed on the front of his neck.

block

Next week, the ladies’ laser tag, Cynthia and her ex, Leon, have a chat, and Mama Joyce is ready to knock Block’s block off!