Around the Block

Around and around we go, which ex will return, which old feud will erupt, which product launch will fail, NOBODY KNOWS!  Cynthia and Noelle are playing a rousing game of tennis, whereby Cynthia is amazed she can even make contact with the ball.  They take a break after five minutes and Cynthia tells Noelle that the upcoming L.A. trip will be, not only to look at colleges and take a meetin’ with her baby daddy, Leon, but Cynthia has hereby appointed Noelle as the fresh face of her new “Cargo” bag line!  Noelle is ready to ride on her mother’s coat tails, but wait, it involves talking to people and like, standing and stuff?!?!  At the launch event, Noelle is glued to her phone and complaining that her feet hurt, like a good li’l millennial.  Cynthia tells her that life hasn’t even begun to kick her ass yet, and she better suck it up buttercup!

pity-train

After the event, Leon takes Cynthia and Noelle to dinner, but Noelle cuts out right after the appetizer to attend a concert.  The real question here is, what happened to Cynthia and Leon, why are they not together?!?!  #teamleonamiright!  Cynthia breaks down in tears over her pending divorce and cries off her false eyelashes, Leon tells her that she looks beautiful without any makeup.  Cynthia, what more do you need?

Kandi pays a visit to her Mama Joyce and she sets up Baby Ace in a really cool, rotating baby seat.  While Ace chills in his contraption, Mama Joyce is all about da’ Benjamins!  Her two burning questions, does she get paid for babysitting and is Block going to cough up the $50K he owes Kandi in child support?  I love me some bat-shit crazy Mama Joyce, but holy buckets o’ ballz does she have a one-track mind.  Take a look around at that all expenses paid, fully furnished, 10,000 square foot house you rompin’ around in!  As they discuss Block, Mama Joyce goes full throttle off the edge and her wig-lette starts spinning!  This subject matter of clearly infuriates her.  She wants Block to get an “LLC: Lien, License, or Cash!”  While Mama Joyce focuses on counting coins, I am still mesmerized by the baby seat and wondering if they make them for adults!

mama-joyce-babysit

Phaedra and Kenya appear to be in a “good place”, but they are not “friendship contract” status just yet.  Phaedra fishes around for information on the confrontation between Kenya and She by Shereé and suggests Kenya owes an apology.  Phaedra cuts to the chase and discusses why she really invited Kenya out for tea and crumpets.  She is getting ready for her Phaedra Foundation camp and wants former Miss Michigan to be involved, even though Kenya is crazy as a bedbug.  These two can act as cordial as they want, but trading shade while talking in their indoor, irrational skank voices does not a friendship make.

phaedra-kenya-tea

Bob invites She by Shereé to dinner and Bob is dressed like he just rolled out of Mickey Rourke’s hotel room and She by Shereé is dressed to kill.  As he escorts her up to the “Loving Hut” vegan cuisine in a strip mall, She by Shereé is insulted.  He needs to cough up some serious surf and turf if he is trying to woo himself a room at Chateau Shereé.  What a waste of an outfit and a top knot.  Bob the Buffoon suggests the KFC down the block if she wants meat, but she agrees to enter the Loving Hut with much trepidation.  Bob the Buffoon orders a burger and asks for bacon.  She by Shereé has had it with his crazy eye and stupid jokes, she walks him through a half-assed apology and he finally gets a grip.  He takes a moment to firm his resolve and quell any misgivings and actually apologizes for cheating on She by Shereé and contaminating their indoor hot tub.  She accepts his apology and attempts to say a few words, but Bob is drooling like a half-wit over her titty glitter.  Food arrives, they take two bites, and beat feet to the KFC.

sheree-bob

Phaedra feels that laser tag would be a fun activity for the ladies and to discuss her Phaedra Foundation, but all they are focused on is poppin’ caps in each other’s assess.  After they run around and terrorize the staff, they sit down to discuss creating a pop-up shop so each lady can peddle their inferior wares to raise money for the children.  Ironic that Porsha, of all people, comments that selling Bedroom Kandi dildos to raise money for children is wildly inappropriate.

Phaedra’s main tactical error at said meeting is asking if Kenya and She by Shereé can co-exist in harmony.  This sets off a chain of events that appears to last for several minutes.  Kenya and She by Shereé start arguing, food arrives and Kandi is immediately stress eating, and her chewing is so audible that Kenya takes a moment to snap at her as well.  The “Bitch” and “Ho” insults are tired, as Kandi points out, “everyone has had a bitch or ho moment in life”.  Kenya throws an insult about She by Shereé’s “tired Mama Joyce wig” and Kandi’s head spins around 10 times and she is forced to put down her chicken Caesar wrap.  Mouth full, she spews “don’t you be talkin’ about my MAMA!”  Kenya and She by Shereé agree to chill and behave, for the sake of the children.

kandi-eatin

To wrap up the drama this week, Kandi takes Mama Joyce out for a manicure to repay her for watching Baby Ace rotate in his baby seat.  Mama Joyce takes a moment to inform Kandi that she has found her new BFF and her name is Moscato!  When she drinks it, she can conquer the world!  Foreshadowing???  What timing, Block makes his producer mandated call and says he wants to have a sit down with Kandi about co-parenting.  Mama Joyce jumps in and begins to give him a Moscato read!  She wants that $50K!  Kandi is appalled and tells him he should be working on his relationship with 14-year-old Riley – directly!  He delivers the standard Narcissistic rhetoric, claims he’s been calling, but they don’t call him back, blah, blah, blah!  Mama Joyce wins moment of the night when she starts making the international hand gesture for “show me the money and make it rain up in here!”  Block gets angry and says he’s “not chasin’ nobody”.  Kandi points out if he was the dad he was supposed to be, he wouldn’t have to worry about lack of communication.  He rolls up every two years saying he’s going to do better, but to no avail.  They hang up, Kandi vents, and enters dangerous “ugly cry” territory.  Just as Mama Joyce is about to pipe up, Kandi puts the kibosh on the conversation, because unlike Cynthia, she will not be crying off her falsies!

Next week, off roadin’, Matt punching walls at Moore Manor, She by Shereé’s son is caught driving while high, and Phaedra receives a grenade at her office!

Advertisements

Stumbling Blocks

Phaedra, Porsha, and She by Shereé roll into an Italian restaurant for some lunch, all wearing work out gear and ordering up thick cut bacon to replace any fat they inadvertently burned off while walking in from the parking lot.  Phaedra announces something about sporting camel toe, which is unavoidable for these three.  I think I can hear the faint screams of the spandex.  Phaedra fills them in on her amicable lunch with Kenya and how Miss Kenya is behaving these days.  “That’s what a li’l dick will do”, declares Counselor Parks.  She by Shereé clarifies, “a little dick, or like a little dick?”  Visual:  She by Shereé holding her index finger and thumb about an inch apart.  That’s what a li’l steroids will do!

Meanwhile, Matt and Kenya appear to have mended their relationship for now, that’s what doing a few squats in the unfinished lawn will do!  Kenya is recounting something about her current disdain with the universe, Matt looks off into the distance, wondering what type sauce he’s gonna dip his chicken fingers into at lunch time.

Matt lets Kenya out of the car and refers to her as “Miss America”, and I can’t help but wonder why her head didn’t spin around 12 times after all her season one “It’s Miss USA” drama.  They head into a restaurant to meet Matt’s parents and sister.  The sister is the tough critic and has Kenya sized up in about a milli-second and nobody is buying her canned Miss USA answers.  Matt’s sister asks Kenya if she considers herself a cougar, and as we watch Kenya seething in her seat, Matt stares off into the distance, wondering if he should get the sampler platter with the mini-tacos or the spicy pulled pork sliders.

matt-spaced-out

Later, Matt takes Kenya to Ohio for his family reunion and insists they drive because it’s only six hours.  Kenya would rather have every hair pulled out of her body simultaneously than get into the white Range Rover and be forced to complain for six hours and sleep for two.  At the reunion, we see Kenya in a full-on Beyoncé Lemonade ensemble, teaching the younger girls her moves.  Matt’s sister pulls her off the dance floor to once again express her apprehension about this relationship, mainly the age difference.  Matt’s mother saves the day and bounces over for a drunken selfie with her future daughter in law.  Deal sealed!

She by Shereé visits her ex, Bob Whitfield and he invites her in for a smoothie and to show off his revenge bod by way of thick-n-meaty thigs.  She by Shereé practically chokes on her smoothie, not because she finds Bob appealing, but because said smoothie is made of rotten fruit and expired Activia yogurt.  Bob breaks out into a full-blown flop sweat, like almost medically concerning.  He asks her if he can move into Chateau Shereé, but there isn’t enough Activia in all of the ATL that can make this proposition easier to digest.  She shoots him down and notes that the only thing she is hookin’ up with is some electricity!

sheree-smoothie

Cynthia is still reeling from her impending divorce and receives a visit from sister Malorie and her mother.  They sit for a chat and Malorie reveals that Papa Smurf is her new BFFL and has her on speed dial.  Cynthia’s mind is blown and it almost ignites her fedora.  Peter has confided in Mal that he misses Cynthia, but Cynthia is steadfast in her decision.  Guess he should’ve thought about that when he was being a shitty husband.

cynthia-malorie

In other ex- news, Phaedra and Porsha head out for a nature walk into the enchanted forest, wearing their favorite colors, bright and tight.  Porsha reveals she is considering hooking up with an ex-boyfriend for a sperm donation, she wants a baby damnit and why should she have to wait for a man?  She consults Counselor Parks to draft a “baby-nup”, but being the good BFF that she cautions Porsha against this idea.  Frick and Frack have the attention spans of gnats, to they quickly get sidetracked by a tree wearing a corset?

porsha-walk-woods

Later, Porsha invites her ex- boyfriend to a kickboxing class and before her tittie sweat can even dry, she is already asking him if he will provide a sperm donation.  Much to Porsha’s chagrin, he is not up for the task (pun kinda both intended and not intended).  Maybe Porsha should give a different ex a call…

At the Kandi Koated Factory, baby Ace is learning how to use a highlighter and planning a block party for the OLG Restaurant opening.  A woman named Kris Kelli pops in, Kandi and her gang are stunned.  Whomever this interloper is, she is not welcome and sends Todd walking away as if he has just been hit by a tranquilizer dart.  Kandi clarifies that this person is Kris Kelli, an artist who happens to be signed with Block.  I’m watching this thinking, Block… as in been around the…  New kids on the…   Kandi clarifies that Block is an ex and happens to be Riley’s father, so i.e., Kandi’s “baby daddy”.  Kris Kelli is also bangin’ Block and feels it is her civic duty to tell Kandi that Block and Riley need to mend their relationship.  Sensing the tension, Kandi pulls Kris into her office to sit in the hot pink pleather seat of truth.  Kris gives her a song and dance, Kandi gives her the patented “bitch ain’t havin’ it” expression and calls SECURITY to escort Miss Kris back where she came from.

kandi-sees-kris

Later, She by Shereé invites Kandi to “work out”, but we all know Kandi’s idea of working out is falling asleep on a yoga mat.  They work out for about three minutes and then cop a squat to have their producer mandated chat.  Kandi tells She by Shereé about the “pop in” visit from Kris and She by Shereé notes that all this time she has known Kandi, she has never heard a word about Block.  We also learn that Porsha used to “kick it” with Block.  Kick the can…kick ball?  Anyhoo, She by Shereé waxes philosophical, she doesn’t have a relationship with her father either and it give her a case of the sads.  Kandi gets upset as well, because she doesn’t want to do burpees and, well because Block blows.

kandi-work-out

We get a glimpse of the conversation happening in Block’s world as he discusses the Kandi/Riley situation with Kris and Kandi’s friend, Lena.  Block looks like he would smell like motor grease and conceit.  Of course, their narrative is the opposite, Block claiming he tried to be there for Riley.  Lena actually calls him out a bit and he does the side-step, backpeddle, shuffle.  If he really tried, then why is he sending his minion to do his dirty work?  In the WTF moment of the night, we see that Block has a Chevrolet logo tattooed on the front of his neck.

block

Next week, the ladies’ laser tag, Cynthia and her ex, Leon, have a chat, and Mama Joyce is ready to knock Block’s block off!