Defensive Driving

Hey y’all – this week RHATL is one of those episodes that I kinda despise.  Choppy scene editing, smoothie drankin’ and snackin’, some most heinous wardrobe malfunctions, and more she said/she said bullshit.  Let’s get into it, shall we?

Mama Joyce visits with Kandi and gets the latest rundown – the roach motel video, Porsha leaving Barcelona over the door mat… all the while Baby Ace is giving Mama Joyce some serious side-eye!  I’m tryna learn my farm animals here… GRANDMAW!  Mama finally admits to Kandi that she had a sit-down with Porsha, Kandi is a bit perturbed.  All Kandi wants is for Porsha to admit she pulled these random lies out of her chunky booty in the sole interest of going after her.

Meanwhile, across town, Porsha and Lauren sit down for a smoothie and some chicken nuggets.  Porsha believes her “heart to heart” with Nene was effective and the hatchet has been buried in Barcelona.  Sure it has, until Nene comes at you with both barrels at the reunion.

In other sit-down news, SBS holds a gossip sesh with Wigs-n-Cigs.  Wigs actually drove herself in her rent-a-royce.  Sidebar:  SBS is wearing some very ill-fitting jeans.  Is this camel toe-nail?

Camel Toe Nail

Anyhoo – welcome to yet another installment of Wigs’ bullshit.  SBS has Wigs’ red solo cup chillin’, not to be outdone – SBS pours herself a black solo cup.  Wigs revisits roach-gate, claims that Nene’s son Brentt was the one who invited Brielle to come over.  Nene is pulling the race card and Wigs spent $20K to send her a “sis and deceased” or a “cyst and diseased” letter.  We flash back on this history of the Wigs/Nene race war, SBS is riding hard for Wigs and agrees that Nene has crossed the line.  Good Lord, I can hardly concentrate, Wigs implants look like they are about to bust open and splatter gelatinous saline all over SBS Wal-Mart sweatshirt.  I swear, these things are held together with band-aids and marshmallows!  Deep thoughts with Wigs-n-Boobs:

Wigs Boobs Bustin

Nene and Gregg are all matchy matchy in blue chiffon and sit down to discuss Nene’s latest social media embroilment with Brielle on Twatter.  Brielle blasted Ms. Leakes, and let’s just talk about Nene’s response for a minute, shall we?  “We don’t have roaches!  If you found 1, u brought it with u or it fell outta yo funky pussy! … #racisttrah” – and I’m paraphrasing!  [Insert sound of needle being scratched off of record here].  EGADS, NENE!  Show some fuckin’ restraint!  I’m not sure that insult about Brielle’s lady parts is commensurate with the roach motel video.

Egads

50-Cynt and her Urkel glasses are serving as Will’s personal Uber and she’s driving him to the airport.  She talks to Marlo while driving and they discuss the fact that Nene crashed and burned for a bad joke she told during her standup routine.  The Xscape tour has officially given Nene the hook, exit stage left please!  Arriving at her destination, she actually gets out of the car to help Will with his luggage… say wha’??  She greets him with an awkward kiss to the cheek.  Will, for the sake of my sanity, you have officially been “friend zoned”.  The Bravo intern will conduct your exit interview next week.

SBS and Kandi meet for a smoothie, Kandi fills her in on the tour drama.  Apparently – Nene had a heckler who said “go kill yourself”.  Naturally, Nene’s response was “I hope you get raped by an Uber driver.”

wha-wha-wha

There was so much heat on social media, Kandi had to drop Nene from the tour, but only due to pressure from the producers, Kandi didn’t think it was a big deal.  SBS’ weave is spinning, she can’t believe Kandi is taking this so lightly when she is STILL mad at Porsha for saying Kandi tried to rape her.  This one is going in SBS’ sack o’ bones for the reunion.

Nene puts out some chips, salsa, and cupcakes for 50-Cynt and Marlo.  We see Gregg stick his finger in the frosting, which is kinda gross.  We don’t know where that finger has been.  50-Cynt starts out the pep-talk, apparently Nene had an Instagram meltdown and apologized for the bad joke.  They also discuss the “sis and deceased” or “cyst and diseased” letter from Wigs, Marlo says they should go to Judge Judy, don’t even take it to “real court”.  Now I take umbrage with that – Judge Judy is as real as they come and she would shut down Wigs and Nene like an illegal daycare center!

you-are-stupid-trash-case-dismissed

Nene explains the issue with the Uber joke, which originated with 50-Cynt.  Okay, this was your first red flag that this was fraught with peril.  50-Cynt is a beauty, but her sense of humor is cornier than Gregg’s feet.  I’m not sure how this joke was supposed to be funny, but Nene wasn’t aware that the audience at the show was chock full o’ Uber employees.  50-Cynt and Marlo advise her to be more careful about what she says, they offer their support, and promise Nene that this will blow over in a week.  Which is true, because it’s really only a matter of about three days before one of these other dreadful bitches does something offensive.

Now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for, Kandi and Wigs meet for fish tacos.  Kandi is at the restaurant at 12:57 p.m. and Kroy drops off Wigs at 2:28 p.m.  KROY – YOU HAD ONE JOB, DRIVE YOUR INFLATED WIFE AROUND.  JEZZUZ!  Knowing how hangry Kandi can get, I’m shocked she wasn’t elbow deep in an appetizer.  Wigs claims there was a huge car wreck, but she had her wine in the car, and she’s ready to rumble… already on 10!

Wigs heard from SBS that Kandi had an issue with Kroy driving her everywhere.  Kandi explains it’s not about Kroy being her Uber driver, but it’s about “being present” instead of always having a quick out of every Bravo mandated social situation.  Wigs is being her usual skid mark on the underpants of society and she plays the “jealousy” card, which is comical.  Wigs – get ahold of yourself, no one is jealous of your 12 kids and botched face.  Wigs demands an example, Kandi refers back to the Elephant Room when Wigs was on the phone calling Kroy for a pizza delivery.  Wigs says “when the fuck did I call my husband during the Elephant Room?”  Kandi fires back, “Bitch who the fuck you cussin’ at?  If you gettin’ irritated, do what the fuck you normally do and take yo’ ass on and get in that car.”  Kandi’s voice is rattling, which means she’s about to go full-blown HAM on Wigs’ silicone ass.  Where is the Bravo intern?  Hold her earrings, she’s goin’ in!  Wigs is actually taken aback and she changes the subject to Baby Ace, which makes Kandi smile and they agree to have a civilized convo.  Kim smiles and her upper lip is so puffed up from injections that it flips up and creases, it looks like she’s sticking her tongue out.  Wigs is sooo busy these days, claims Kroy is doing NFL stuff… “broadcasting” – umm, hunni… manning the security cameras in your home isn’t broadcasting.

Wigs lips

Wigs asks Kandi about Nene’s comment and takes the opportunity to say for the 118th time that she thinks Nene is on drugs.  Kandi explains how the roach comments were really hurtful to Nene, but Wigs is the only all-white, never forget, bat-shit crazy, card-carrying, member of this group.  So, she needs to mind her motherf*ckin’ P’s & Q’s red Solo cups!

Next week, Porsha wipes out on roller skates, Prison BAE talks marriage, and Question Marc makes a personal appearance.

Advertisements

Bombs Away

Phaedra is preparing to head to the DNC and work with Congresswoman Wilson and her sparkly hats to bring attention to the ongoing issue of police brutality.  Phaedra cannot be without her sidekick, so she invites Porsha to tag along.  Porsha twirls around in her day gown, “I’m always down to fight the power!”  Counselor Parks also plans to kill another bird while on the road and plans to swing by the clink and hopefully get Apollo to sign off on those pesky li’l divorce papers.

Across town, Kenya and Cynthia visit a bakery to learn how to decorate cakes, Kenya creates a Gucci themed cake for Matt since he lost is Gucci belt, or some ridiculous shit like that.  Cynthia is giving us Black Panther Rally realness with her wild hair, and one cannot help but wonder why they would not be required to wear hair nets around all of this frosting!  Speaking of appearances, I cannot figure out Kenya’s outfit, her top is a hideous print with Rolling Stone lips and ladybugs.  Anyhoo, as Kenya forms a replica of Matt’s most prized body part out of green fondant, she announces to her BFF Cynthia that she is having an ATV outing to celebrate Matt’s birthday – SUCCESSFUL COUPLES ONLY!  As the frosting tool twirls in Cynthia’s backside, she blows it off assuming her invitation was lost in the mail.  To add insult to injury, Kenya decides this is the moment to phone Kandi and Lena to bring their significant others to the birthday party.

Cynthia big hair, don’t care, has her own fish to fry, which she will be fishing for in her new lake house!  One condition of her divorce is to sell the house, so she takes Noelle to make an offer on the first new home they find.  It has 16-bedrooms and it’s on a lake, way to downsize and economize Cynthia!  She later phones Kenya to share the news, only to find out that Kenya had posted a Throwback Thursday photo on her Instagram, which pictured her in a car with Jay-Z.  Matt flew into a jealous rage and hulked out by punching holes in the un-done Moore Manor.  Good thing she hadn’t installed that trim yet!

She by Shereé – SIDEBAR:  from here on out, we will abbreviate her name to SBS because I am too lazy to keep typing out She by Shereé – has her own issues to deal with.  She sits down with her son, Kairo, to discuss his recent DUI and she opens a rather stale can o’ whoop ass on him.  She emphasizes the need for him to be careful and he will always have to be better and try harder due to the color of his skin.  SBS does her best as concerned, caring mother, but she takes Kairo to see Bob, so he can be the bad guy and ride Kairo like a Shetland show pony.  However, unbeknownst to SBS, Bob is a medical card-carrying marijuana smoker and speaks to the benefits of pot.  SBS gives him the “you are so stupid you make me squint” look.  Once again, Bob is sweating like a farm animal.  Seriously dude, you should check into that.  SBS is praying Kairo didn’t score from his father, but Bob turns the convo around and scolds him for smoking pot recreationally and he needs to let the dutchie pass.  Kairo gives his best dead in the eyes apology and promises to “make better decisions”.

sheree-squint

Kandi and Todd are still working on OLG restaurant and are three months behind.  They call in their resident expert, Papa Smurf, for advice.  He tells them they are insane for getting into the bidness and then he and Todd step outside to bro-out.  Peter advises him on the proper placement of any security cameras to avoid being caught groping patrons.  Peter yammers on about working with Cynthia being the cause of divorce, blah, blah, blah…but face it, we all know the truth.  She finally got wise and dumped your dumb ass because you squandered her modeling fortune and then you were caught on video sliding your grubby paws all over a waitress.  Bar One and DONE – DUBMASS!

Later, Todd heads home after working so many hours at the restaurant that he hasn’t washed his balls in three days.  Okay, why did we need to know that and, ummm EWW!  As if that wasn’t alarming enough, Mama Joyce shows up and offers to watch Baby Ace, FREE OF CHARGE!  She has suspicions that Kandi is “rusty as a drain pipe”, so she has set up some Bedroom Kandi in the guest house to allow Kandi and Todd to have some “alone time”.  Now dear reader, you are probably thinking how revolting it would be to have your own mother set up “sexy time” for you, laying out your own sex toy products and lube to be used with your husband, whose balls smell like the dumpster at a back-alley Mexican restaurant… but oh no, that is not the end of this escapade!  Kandi can’t just get nekkid, she decides to head back over to the main house, slip into something more comfortable, and then she runs into Mama while trotting back over to the guest house in her lingerie and heels.  This is just wrong on so many levels.  Pardon me while I go power wash my eyeballs.

kandi-massage

It’s the big day of the ATV outing, but Matt has fled to California because he couldn’t handle the sight of his current girlfriend in a car with Jay-Z from 40 years ago.  SIDEBAR:  This does shed some light onto why Kenya continually thinks she is Beyoncé.  Lena decides to take a knee because she is “under the weather” and Kenya rides with RL with Todd and Kandi behind.  Todd takes off like a maniac, hoping he doesn’t pull a RHOC and roll the dayum thing!  They finally break for some lunch comprised of pasta salad, fruit salad, tuna salad, chicken salad, egg salad, and bean salad.  Salad, anyone?  Kandi goes right for the good stuff and asks Kenya for some real talk about Matt.  As they discuss Matt’s anger and insecurities, RL makes a point, there’s not a lot of men that “want to be Stedman”.  [Insert sound of needle being yanked off the record here].  As if we are even comparing Kenya to Oprah – AWWW HELL NOPRAH!  Real talk – no matter how you cut the muffin, this relationship between Kenya and Matt is FRAUGHT WITH PERIL!

noprah

Now if all of this wasn’t enough to blow your shit-hole wide open, we check in on Phaedra’s travels and as she is on her way to Apollo’s prison, she receives a call from her office.  Apparently, they received a bomb threat at the law office via a suspicious package, which allegedly contained a grenade.  Counselor Parks maintains her cool despite the threat, calls mom and instructs her to secure the boys and to duck and cover!

Next week, Porsha is ready to start her family, Mama Joyce weighs in on the bomb threat as if Counselor Parks had it coming, and Kenya and Matt have it out in the driveway at Moore Manor.