Chocolate Bunnies

Well this week, we received an Easter basket full of chocolate bunnies gone HAM!  We received some ghastly penis based insults, a reflective wig tuggin’ trip down memory lane, and the cherry on our Sunday….prison masturbation.  Let’s jump right in with the low-lights:

  1. Overboard

Revisiting the shit show that was the boat outing where everyone was calling each other beyotches and ho’s, Cynthia and Porsha admit they were turnt up, meaning hammered on Hennessey and orange juice.  We revisit one of my favorite fisticuffs, She by Shereé’s infamous “wig tug”, which she claims was just a “shift”, a helpful “adjustment” if you will.  Whilst they are talking about Kim’s wig – meaning Kim Zolciak, Kim Fields is looking around as if she is lost in a corn maze.

Anyhoo…Cynthia and Porsha continue to diagram the altercation as if they are in advanced placement English, trying to diagram complex sentence structure.  Between the wrist grabbing, the acrylic nail finger pointing, the straddle, the gut kick, and the security tackle, they finally agree they were both at fault.  Although Porsha wants to point out that she suffered “contusions” all over her body.  She just wanted an excuse to use the $5.00 word she learned at the CVS Mini-Clinic.  Kenya brings up something about Porsha pulling a Naomi Campbell on her assistant and Porsha fights back by accusing Kenya of seeing a one-eyed African.  Is this “one-eyed African” the latest Urban Dictionary slang term for a penis or is this an actual African man wearing an eye patch?

  1. Mommy Dearest

We revisit the painful rejection Kenya faces at the hands of her biological mother and Porsha just doesn’t know when to shut up.  She has been trying to figure out why Kenya is such an asshole, and thinks the deadbeat mom is the reason.  No, she is just a plain ol’ garden variety asshole.  Kenya claims that lack of her mother’s love is not her problem, in fact she had such a wonderful upbringing with the love of a fantastic father!  Raise your hand if you are confused, hasn’t one of Kenya’s main storylines been mending her relationship with her father?  Phaedra looks about as bored as the corpses she embalms.  The prosecution rests, this oatmeal pie face is half-baked.

  1. Papa Smurf on the Prowl

We continue to beat the dead marriage horse and Papa Smurf joins the stage to somewhat defend his position, but not really.  He spends all of his time in Charlotte canoodling with his staff, but hey…he and Cynthia are great!  OHAC whips out his hard-hitting investigative journalism skills and notes that they sound, well “separated”.  Peter actually has the stones to compare himself to a soldier who leaves for duty and doesn’t see his wife and family for months.  As if being away while serving up mozzarella sticks in paper food boats and canoodling with underage bar patrons is somehow the same?  I think Peter is still smoking whatever he bought in Jamaica and was able to sneak through customs up his asshole.

Cynthia supports her ol’ crusty hubby by complimenting his cheating acumen, Peter would be more discreet if he was up to no good.  Porsha keeps pushing after Peter and advises Cynthia that Peter pays his waitresses pennies, er uh… penises, you know…Dick Dollars!  Somehow Kenya gets involved and she and Porsha go at it.  They hurl tasteless insults at each other, something about lying on your back to make a small piece of change.  Porsha says something about a “dry piece instead of wet piece in that ditch”, I have no idea what the hell she means, but it Sounds.  Just.  Gross.  Kenya tells her to shut her mouth “if there’s not a dick in it, you don’t know what you’re saying.”  Porsha snaps back with a really distasteful “What about that dick you tuck every day before you come to work, beyotch!”  Peter exits stage left and makes room for Ayden, which is such an appropriate follow up to that sacrilege!

Stupid mouth

Ayden helps Andy host the show for a minute by asking questions which OHAC whispers in his ear, but then suddenly…out of the mouths of babes…he asks his mama “why are you here and when are you coming home?”  Mama has to make a buck, chile…as OHAC sends him off to raid craft services.

Ayden OHAC

  1. Phaedra Gets Her Groove Back (Chile…she never lost it!)

The next low-light focuses on Phaedra and she is pressing on with her divorce and she will complete her Match.com profile when the paperwork is final.  As a sidebar:  I notice that the set is decorated entirely with all of the items featured in the annual Pier One “teal” catalog.  You know the one…

Anyhoo… Phaedra is on the fence about taking the boys back to visit Apollo in the clink, she said there were inappropriate things going on in the back row, and of course OHAC asks the question we all had on our minds, “like what?!?!”  After the Bravo Intern wiped the drool from his chin with a Jimmy John’s napkin, Phaedra answers the question “someone had their hands in someone else’s pants…ahem…masturbation.”  Isn’t that technically a “hand job”, or in Phaedra speak “digital stimulation”.

Either way, it’s gross and not something Ayden needs to learn.  We need to keep that kid cute and innocent as long as possible!

  1. Party Crashers

The final low-light we will cover is the discussion of Tammy’s nephew…Glen, who Kenya invited to the Miami party house.  Phaedra pretty much called it here by pointing out what we all know, Kenya wanted him around, but when he rebuffed her poor excuse for flirtation, she wanted him out.  Kenya denies, accuses Phaedra of always trying to paint her as a “wanton hussy”.  The ladies don’t disagree that Glen was acting crazier than a bed bug and should have been asked to leave, but Kenya kept pushing the issue, poking the hornet’s nest as Kim called it.  Kenya is always so quick to call security at the sight of an errant coochie crack, but in Miami Kenya kept pushing Glen for a reaction while security was already handling it.

Kandi, of all people, starts defending Kenya because “at the end of the day”, it was Glen who was acting crazy right out of the gate, throwing gang signs at a pregnant woman.  Sigh…at the end of the day…I think Kandi needs a break to hit the dressing room and use her breast pump.

Kandi - defending

Next week Nene makes an appearance in a nude illusion, jewel encrusted, cat suit (someone please show this woman a mirror!)  The house-hubbies hit the couch and Kim Fields shouts “PLAY.  THE.  EFFING.  TAPE.  BACK!”  The supersized part three will be worth it just to see Kim come about as unglued as her wiglette.

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Unnecessary Trouble

Assuming the viewers have a holiday hangover, Bravo aired a real snooze-fest of an episode, except to set up some future drama and establish that Don Juan is thirsty for his own peach, wears pink panties, and tampons.  More on that later…

Kenya is experimenting with online dating.  She posts a 1982 photo of herself on Tinder and decides to hit the gym in some hideous red leggings with brass button booty pockets.  As if she needs to draw attention to that ass, which doesn’t even register on the Kardashian size scale.  Marlo “Check my Charges” joins her for the workout and prompts Kenya to accept a date from a fine, albeit much younger, piece of meat.  The prospective date doesn’t quite meet Kenya’s lengthy list of qualifications for a mate, but he’ll do.  Kenya, need we remind you that you are 45 years old?  You are not entitled to lengthy requirements such as “looks like Matthew McConaughey, half-horse/half-man.”  Kenya dresses somewhat appropriately to attend the basketball date, but it ruffles her weave and she decides she won’t be accepting a second date.  Umm…I’m not sure he even asked!

Cynthia receives some “just because I love you” yellow friendship roses from Papa Smurf, an indication he is really upping his game.  He drove all night from Charlotte just to take her on a romantic lunch date in the park.  He hired a local artist to sketch them as they ate cold jalapeno poppers and wings with coagulated ranch dip out of a to-go container from Sprorts One.  The artist reveals his sketch at the end of the lunch and they both look like possessed evil demons hatched from a boil on Satan’s ass.

In Phaedra land, Apollo’s friend Bun stops by for a visit and he comes bearing gifts for the boys.  Phaedra sends the boys on their way to “go play” so that she and Bun can reflect on Apollo’s power drill, bucket-o-hinges, crazy garage freak out.  If I heard them correctly, we learn that Bun was a former cellmate of Apollo’s during his first incarceration.  Later, Phaedra drives Ayden to his first day of Kindergarten.  The kid is too cute for words, he is wearing a bow tie and saying “check please”, as if he is a high-society southern gentleman trying to impress his date at the finest McDonald’s in the ATL.  During the car ride to school, Ayden admits he is a bit scared and he is going to miss his mom because he wants her to go everywhere with him.  That will wear off li’l man…give it time.  He tells her he will always be her baby…SWOON!

Ayden - Baby

Porsha continues to delude herself into thinking that Oliver in Miami wants anything other than a slice of her ham hock booty.  They set up a Skype sesh, but all Oliver cares about is seeing down the front of her “house dress”, which is a backless black number with a plunging neckline.  She asks Oliver if he’s ready for a relationship, there is a long pause, some crickets chirping, buffalo grunting, and then Oliver’s audio conveniently breaks up.

Kandi has produced a song with a leftover from last season, Demetria McKinney.  The two ladies meet with Demetria’s beau, Roger Bobb and he is ready to shoot a music video.  The ever-supportive Don Juan voices concerns about Kandi performing in the video due to her weight and age, but then quickly plays the “high-risk pregnancy” card before Kandi thunder punches him in the throat.

While being prepped for the video shoot, Kandi can’t even sit through hair and makeup without an order of chicken fingers.  Todd arrives on his hover board to offer support, but we all truly know he just wanted to play with his hover board.  The wardrobe team drapes Kandi in a purple mumu to hide her baby bump and she wears thigh boots worn by Rainbow Brite’s understudy.  Once they get her on stage and fire up the wind machine, the mumu barely covers her cervix.

Kandi - Video

What better excuse for a party than the “Unnecessary Trouble” music video launch!  Kandi is hoping the party goes well and Todd is hoping Phaedra shows up with a check!

Kim Fields, getting significantly less air play this week, shows up to the launch party in leather hot pants and hooker boots.  Kenya throws some shade, “she looked like a confused prostitute at Disney World.”  I’m happy to see Kimmy get a li’l wild and branch out from her Mrs. Roper wardrobe collection.

Kandi gives an intro before the video premiere and she discusses pitfalls of mixing friendship and bidness, but Demetria showed up with a check, so they all good.  Phaedra interprets this to be a thinly veiled message directed at her and decides to grab Porsha’s drink and slam it down.  The crowd goes wild over the lackluster video, but that’s what the extras are paid to do.  While Phaedra exits stage left, she congratulates Kandi and asks Todd to stop by her office sometime.  Outside, Phaedra vents to Porsha and Shamea, and Porsha becomes more riled up about it than she did when Cynthia delivered a kick to her cooter.  Don Juan pretends to hear them gossiping about his “people” and he sidles up and gets in Porsha’s face.  Phaedra excuses herself and notes that Don Juan needs to have several seats.  As the ladies trail off into the parking lot, Porsha says about Don Juan “go home and change your tampon.”

Porsha - yell at don

Next week – Todd and Phaedra finally hash out the money issue.  Kenya faces her father.  Kandi and Porsha face off.