School of Read

She by Shereé is still keepin’ it real where we left off and Kim is ready to cut a beyotch with her mouth, meaning she may spew some cutting words that only become part of her vocabulary when she is fully possessed by the real housewives mutant demon of death.  The latest rumor is that Chris is “fruity or gay”, as if they are all in 7th grade trying to win a spot at “cool girls” lunch table by having the juiciest gossip of the day.  Everyone is bailing out of the shit pot, acting as if they weren’t fervently gossiping about this the night before.  She by Shereé, Phaedra, and Porsha admit that they Googled Chris and read the words “fruity husband.”  Kenya jumps in, “we don’t care if he’s gay or if you guys having tax problems.”  Wait…what the wha???  Where did this “tax problem” thing come into play and why can’t Kenya say anything without throwing a backhanded shady curveball?!?!  Cynthia and Nene go on record that they defended Chris and Kim and wanted no part of this ugly conversation.  Kim pulls her “go to” move and leaves saying she has to get to bed because she has an early morning.  Like the last kid chosen for the dodge ball team, Kenya is left sinking in the shit pot by herself.

Kim - WTF

The next day, Nene, Kim, and Phaedra have breakfast and the two veteran housewives attempt to guide Kim toward a bully beat down and suggest she de-pants Kenya at recess.  However, the only one who really needs a good dressing down is Phaedra!  She looks like she should be twirling a baton and doing high kicks in a 4th of July parade!  Phaedra redeems herself by giving some solid advice and doing a spot-on impression of Kenya.  She advises Kim to chop the snake off at the head and say something to Kenya like “Listen honey, I am Baby Butterworth.  I came out the womb actin’ honey, but you came out actin’ a foo!”  Now there’s a solid insult.  Read school is in session and Nene plays the role of Kim, being calm and dismissive.  Phaedra takes the role of Keyonce… “I’ve been in two movies that went straight to blockbuster!”, then she starts twirling in her red, white, and, blue frock so fast that she may turn into Wonder Woman.

Phaedra Twirling

They all get a big cackle out of it, but Kim finds solace in her bible and prayer cloth, her elevator doesn’t go down to that level.

Meanwhile, Back in ATL, Kandi and Todd visit a European Hookah lounge to meet with the chef and try some of his cooking in hopes that he will be a candidate for their ill-fated OLG restaurant idea.  The OLG is on board, except for Aunt Bertha.  However, what Aunt Bertha is on board for is strolling into the empty Hookah lounge and shouting into the air at no one in particular, “I need a rum-n-coke!”  The chef serves the group various items including deviled eggs, French toast and chicken, salmon, ribs, etc.  Aunt Bertha fusses over everything, except the ribs.  Bertha throws some serious side-eye, still no sign of that rum-n-coke.  Nothing much more to side-eye see here, the gang decides they are moving forward, but plan to interview a few more chefs so that Kandi can get more of her chicken and waffle on.  Hopefully next time with some dippin’ sauce.

Aunt Bertha

Back in Jamaica, the gang is heading off to Dunn’s River Falls for the day.  But first, Kim must phone her hubby to refresh and nurture her “beautiful, uninfected spirit”.  She fills Chris in on the “fruity or gay” rumors and “folks jumpin’ on Google to determine if he was straight or not.”  Chris takes this as a compliment, rule #147 in life “if they Google you, they are shook!”  They have a good laugh and are grateful that they are the only ones in the cast who haven’t been thrown into Saturday detention.

At the waterfalls, everyone straps on their waterfall climbing shoes, but the women are all bitching that the water is too cold.  Porsha decides to crawl because it’s so slippery and she doesn’t want to perform the impromptu splits and blow the seam of her Fabletics spandex pants wide open with that corn fed ass.  Kenya and Matt, insisting on being the stars of gym class, scale their way to the top first and act as if they have won the Amazing Race or some shit.  It ends up alienating them further as everyone else uses the opportunity to bond and help one another up the falls.

Porsha - twerk on falls

After they complete their mission, Peter announces they are going to a Jamaican Jerk Chicken joint for dinner, that serves amazing chicken and allows the patrons to smoke fat joints.  At that thought, Gregg gets a burst of energy and he is ready to run to the chicken joint faster than Kandi wolfed down that French toast and chicken dish.  Once at dinner, the women and men separate.  Peter fires up a fat ass blunt and orders round after round of shots for the men, they start talking all kinds of nonsense and we get a drunken admission that Matt “loves Kenya” and Oliver isn’t sure if he can handle all of Porsha’s big bouncin’ ass.

At the mean girls table, Nene broaches the conversation about the Kim/Kenya feud and she invites Kim to put the bible down and put some stank on it.  Kim says her problem is that Kenya has crossed a line of disrespect, which won’t be tolerated.  Kenya, once again, cannot find it in herself to be civil and starts out being condescending, “congratulations on speaking for yourself”… Cynthia tries to interrupt Kenya, but gets a dodgeball straight to the kisser.  Kenya tells Kim that she is indifferent to her and they are simply at an impasse.  Kim feels there should be some level of respect that is “just basic”.  Cynthia reminds Kenya how she rudely pulled out Kim’s chair at their three-way “why don’t I get to direct the ‘mercial meeting”, which caused things to escalate quickly and turn physical.  Cynthia feels that Kenya owes Kim an apology, and then, like a Unicorn on roller skates, Kenya delivers an apology for moving Kim’s chair.  Kim is ready to move her own chair, she accepts the apology for now and quickly exits stage left, she has an early morning Algebra quiz.

Cynthia, her Mickey Mouse statement necklace, Nene, and She by Shereé make a pit stop back at the hotel to have some dessert and Cynthia can’t stop giggling about the dark chocolate balls.  Cynthia thinks Nene has transcended into “Iyanla Fix My Life level” and she wishes to consult her about confronting Kenya about her unsupportive behavior during the ‘Mercial shoot.

It’s the last night in Jamaica and Peter sets up a nice party for everyone and shows up wearing his best Papa Smurf blue suit.  After several cocktails and a twerk-off between the fire dancers and Phaedra and Porsha, they all take their seats for dinner.  Peter delivers a speech about how great the trip has been and he and Cynthia have their spark back.  She by Shereé even admits that the trip has been great and has brought her and Bob closer to reconciliation.  Sure, everyone can get along famously while lounging in tropical paradise on Bravo’s dime!

Peter Blue Suit

Peter reveals that Matt used the word “love” when discussing Kenya and Matt actually owns up to it.  He must have gotten an extra credit from Bravo.  Cynthia asks Kim when she will have some footage of the ‘Mercial, which segues into Cynthia voicing her concern over Kenya’s paddling out to Cuba rather than being supportive on the set.  Kenya says her feelings were hurt because she had two great concepts for Cynthia and she wouldn’t even hear her out.  You dumb beyotch, how about showing up to the scheduled pitch meeting if you are so hell-bent on being heard out?  Cynthia notes that she actually wanted Kenya to be in the commercial, but Kenya scoffs and thinks that changed after Nene returned.  Nene takes umbrage with that and reiterates that she has nothing to do with their rift.  Already having her name on the chalkboard and not wanting any check marks next to it, Kenya actually apologizes to Cynthia for letting her down.  Cynthia accepts the apology and thinks it’s genuine, but Phaedra feels that Kenya is just doing more bad acting!

Well that was a real showdown letdown… We are off next week due to the Oscars, so see you next time.  A lingerie photo shoot, finalizing the ‘Mercial footage, and Phaedra takes the boys to see Apollo.

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Cabbage and Beef

This week it’s all about squashing the beef with added filler.  Let’s start with Kandi and Mama Joyce who get together with the Ol’ Lady Gang (OLG) over some fried chicken-n-biscuits to celebrate the closing on Mama’s new home that Kandi paid for.  Mama refuses to give Kandi a key because, well…Mama is bitter, she has to “ring four bells” before she can gain entry to Kandi’s McMansion.  Mama is so short sighted, Kandi should have a key in the event Mama has fallen and can’t get up.  Oh and that pesky li’l detail…SHE PAID FOR THE HOME.  The OLG offers a counter point, Todd might choose to be “walkin’ ‘round nekkid” in his own marital home, and therefore Mama cannot have a key.  Besides, who in the hell would be walkin’ ‘round nekkid in Mama’s home???  Kandi murmurs while sputtering some chicken skin out of her mouth, “you know Bennie gonna be right there.”  Yeah, playing “Whack-a-Mole” in the new bathrooms?  Aunt Bertha, voice of reason, pleads – “Let’s eat before you all start discussing ‘bout the keys, and the men’s, and the walking nekkid!”  Amen… Aunt Bertha is my new spirit animal.  Kandi decides to reveal a “key” piece of information to the OLG…Todd’s mother, Sharon, wants an apology or she will be serving up a knuckle sandwich with a side of red beans-n-rice.  Aunt Bertha says “bring it, she better come correct!”  Mama Joyce adds this li’l nugget, “she better not come like no cabbage!”  Aunt Bertha clarifies the statement, it means “Don’t come with all head and no ASS!”

Later, Kandi summons Todd into her office and has him take a seat in the hot pink pleather chair of torture.  First off, she is not happy with the floundering ticket sales for “A Mother’s Love”, which is on tour in 26 cities.  Then we get to the real meat of this meeting, Mama Joyce has no intention of apologizing to Sharon, EVA.  Todd gives the routine Bravo househusband “at the end of the day” speech and concludes that they will do holidays separately if the two Mama’s are gonna be “showin’ out.”  Kandi doesn’t like his solution, she gives him a “Girl, BYE”, and walks away to avoid a potentially marriage-crushing issue the argument.

Meanwhile, across town, Nene stops at a restaurant to throw shade and meet “a girl with a lotta weave in her hair”, which is how she is describing her latest lap dog, Porsha.  These two have a meeting of the mind (singular) to rehash the Nene/Cynthia battle.  Nene is still sporting her straw, bowl-cut, hair system, which tells me her judgment is seriously impaired.  At the end of the day… Nene will arrange a kiki for the girls to get together for a good ol’ fashioned meow down and wig burning.

Cynthia drags Claudia to the “J Spot” so that Derek can perform a makeover because she feels Claudia needs to put forth more of an effort.  Claudia takes the “constructive criticism” in stride as Derek pretends to curl her hair, they gossip about Demetria’s epic fail of a party, and Derek J reveals that he bolted after five minutes of the party to go find a chicken wang.  The name Roger Bobb pops up again in this scene at least five times and of course none of these chuckleheads are aware that he was in a relationship.  Saved by the bell, Cynthia receives an ominous text from Nene “bring your girl, Kenya, for drinks and girl talk”.

Kenya and her friend Brandon meet with a realtor to look at some office space because since her fake meeting with Roger Bobb, she is going to need a fake space for herself and her two fake assistants.  They find a space big enough for Brandon to install his bunk beds and disco balls.  Cynthia calls Kenya in the midst of the real estate tour to invite Kenya to the pow wow with Nene.  Kenya knows a set up when she smells it and will be good and lotioned up for this event!

Claudia gets together with her mother (Teresa) and her grandmother (Lillian).  They have just arrived in the ATL and Lillian is ready to roll a smoke.  Claudia takes them out for a little ATL culture at “Lips”, a drag queen restaurant.  They discuss Claudia’s private life, having a baby without a husband, and how Teresa never said “I love you” to Claudia.  This Mama takes a page from Phaedra’s book of “love is a verb” and says “actions speak louder than words”.  They receive their fruity drinks from the drag queen and toast to Claudia finding a baby daddy, Lillian says “be careful because I heard these Atlanta men are slick!”  Lillian is my new spirit animal.

Claudia-Mamas

Not much on Phaedra this week, she briefed her mother, Pastor Regina, on the awfulness that is Apollo Nida and concludes that he should have married a hillbilly if he can’t handle the fact that Phaedra is a bad-ass BOSS.  Later, to reinforce that Apollo is MIA and Phaedra is holding down the fort with her seven nannies, Phaedra assists her boys in brushing their teeth and reading bedtime stories.  Ayden calls his brother to bed for story time, hearing him say “Mr. President, come here, we need you!” is EVERYTHANG!

Phaedra-Boys

Nene selects the very apropos “Arena Tavern” for the fight card this evening.  Nene informs her lackey, Porsha, that Kenya will be attending and they must have a conversation and apologize to each other.  Porsha looks like someone just threw up in her Chanel bag.  Cynthia and Kenya arrive and Nene orders a round of drinks so they can all get a little “punch drunk” first.  We start with the undercard, Nene vs. Cynthia – DING DING DING…Nene is still reeling from their prior discussion, Kenya keeps butting in trying to guide an apology that will never happen, Porsha and Kenya leave the ring.  WHOA…Cynthia offers an apology for blindsiding Nene and asks for an apology back, but no cigar.  Nene needs time to process all of this and suggests they have a re-match in two years.

We have another undercard tonight, Cynthia vs. Porsha – they bicker about Porsha being late.  Nene doesn’t give a shit, she wants to hear the sound of vodka being poured over the rocks.  Kenya and Nene return, looking like they did a shot or five at the bar.  Kenya starts yelling to Cynthia and interrupting, and Porsha calls her “rude as a motherf*cker!”  This one is a draw.

Porsha-Rude

On to the main event, Kenya vs. Porsha – the crowd chants to Porsha “APOLOGIZE… APOLOGIZE”, but no go.  All she does is acknowledge that she made a “choice”, just like one makes a “choice” to buy grasshopper cookies at the grocery store when they already have a case of thin mints at home in the freezer.  Kenya walks over, she gets Porsha against the ropes, we expect a TKO, but instead offers an unprecedented firm hug to the breadbasket!  She offers to take responsibility for her part of what happened.  Porsha doesn’t hear Kenya say “my part” and accepts the hug under the pretense that Kenya is taking responsibility for the entire brawl, scepter and all.  As if Porsha pulled no weave at all, and this is her “get out of jail free card”.  She takes NO responsibility whatsoever, proving that she is immature as a mother f*cker!

The owner of the tavern bops over because he sees Nene and Kenya are lit and wearing super short shorts.  He asks if the ladies are going to dance on the bar and Kenya, who is clearly lit up like a Christmas tree, kicks her lotioned leg in the air, “no ash tonight, Giirrrrll!”

NoAsh

Next week, Cynthia and Peter move on up to another dump, Nene gives Claudia the cold shoulder, and more Roger Bobb dating debacle.