Reunion – Part Deux

Hey everybody, I don’t know about you, but I find it utterly disturbing the ungodly abomination, heretofore known as Keyna Moore, is the most well behaved this reunion season.  I guess I shouldn’t count those chickens before they snap, there are two more parts of this shit show yet to be seen.  Let’s get on to the low lights of this week:

Porsha on the Playground – We pick up where we left off, Porsha sulking because she feels bullied in the sandbox.  Hey, I’ve got a remedy for that, leave the show.  Do not walk off, but storm off with all the reckless abandon of a two-year old.  I know she needs the Bravo paycheck, but dayum guuuuurl, if the group treats you that badly then just pour all your energies into emoting on Dish Nation.

Serious Matt-ers – We review the unhinged Matt behavior, there are allegations that Kenya hired Matt to play the role, she allegedly has a new boyfriend, and apparently Matt has a crush on Porsha.  The most interesting thing about this segment is that Kenya admits to engaging in sexy time in Matt’s truck, as he alleged in their back-stairwell argument.  Phaedra snickers and mutters something to Frack about how Kenya didn’t even have the decency to get a hotel room to smash with her psychotic show boyfriend.  Really Counselor Parks?  You were responding to booty calls from a felon on an air-mattress.  You have no room in your Spanx to talk.

This segues into the revelation of the abuse SBS endured at the hands of her ex, Crazy-Eye sweaty Bob, and the de-kindling of their relationship.  SBS reveals that she had never told anyone about the abuse, not even her own mother or her children.  Cynthia and her hair deliver a pep talk, “you don’t have to be superwoman and carry all this weight!”  SBS can finally release all the pain she’s been carrying and help other women in the process.  Hmm…I smell a new cause!  In all seriousness, this was a very somber part of the show.

SBS Sad

Alternative Phacts – Phaedra is on the hot-seat and all we get here is more proof that she and her timelines are sketch as f*ck.  She waffles around about whether or not her divorce is final and insists she didn’t tell the other women about her divorce or that her middle name is “Creonta” because these hags are not her friends.  She reveals she paid Apollo $100K as their settlement dictated and she alludes that OHAC hooked her up with Shemar Moore and they may, or may not be seeing each other on an air mattress in the off-hours of the night.

OHAC confronts Phaedra about her notoriously hazy timelines and Phaedra produces her divorce decree, which she had hiding under her hot couch cushion this entire session.

Phaedra evidence

The dates, name spellings, appeals, and contestations still render this evidence inadmissible in reunion court.  Beyotch be chock full o’ SHIT!

Phaedra Phacts

Kandi alleges that Phaedra keeps calling the city to throw monkey wrenches in the OLG opening schedule.  There isn’t enough tittay tape in all of the ATL to piece this friendship back together.

Phaedra and Kenya get into it, then Phaedra delivers the goofiest read ever, “Nobody wants you.  You’re like an old condo they converted into a town home.”  Given my line of work, this makes me chuckle.  She meant to say “you’re like an old apartment converted into a condo.”  Idiots everywhere purchase converted properties, but I digress!

The Real Kids of ATL – We take a quick peek down memory lane and review all the amazing children and their growth process.  We also get to judge how the housewife hair has evolved, or in some cases, devolved.  Takeaways – Noelle reads Cynthia a lot, Riley is about as enthusiastic as I am when I go for my annual pap smear, Kairo still hasn’t gotten his Cargo backpack, and Ayden still deserves his own show.

Next week, Crazy-Eyed Bob joins the group.  He is sporting an overgrown beard and he is either sweating profusely all the way through the beard, or he has fallen face first into an open vat of Jheri Curl.  There is a Papa Smurf walk off and we finally confronting the malicious rumors about Kandi.

The Warm Up – Reunion Part Un

Preparation is Everything – We start out with the “8 hours earlier” montage of all the women performing their pre-reunion rituals and then strapping themselves into the hair and makeup chairs.  After a full working day later, they are cinched, taped, makeup caked, and ready to take several seats at the insufferable semi-circle of the damned.  The outfits this year don’t seem too conducive to hurling insults across the Pier One coffee table.  They really should be sporting leggings as pants.

Leggings pants

Reinforce your weaves, let’s dive into the low-lights:

Tittay Talk – the ladies spent some time at the spa this season and the girls are literally and figuratively on display tonight!  Kandi reveals that she decided to have a boob job after they finished filming.  Phaedra has an unhealthy obsession with camel-toe, but she feels this is perfectly normal because Amazon sells prosthetic camel toe.  Just because it’s for sale guuuurrrrl, doesn’t make it right.  Case in point:

Man bun

OHAC asks Cynthia if Papa Smurf met Cynthia’s rejuvenated va-jay-jay, but she denies.  They came close, but no cigar in the hot dog bun vagina.

Minding Your Manor – we revisit the battle of Moore Manor vs. Chateau Shereé.  Nothing really new to be seen here, except we learn that Kenya had some intruders at Moore Manor and ran them off with her trusty hand gun.  OHAC polls the ladies on who owns a gun, they all raise their hands except Cynthia.  SBS just got her permit.  Hang on to your wigs and Spanx ladies and gents.  These crazy beyotches be ARMED!  I can hear Phaedra now, “but officer, this is my medicinal sawed off shotgun.”

SBS clears up the misconception that she isn’t living in the Chateau, but Kenya says she drives by, en route to her daily deeds of doom and destruction, and she never sees lights on.  Well duh, a home with no appliances needs no electricity!  Although she would need the air compressor for her mattress…hmm.  Anyhoo – Kenya admits she went into the basement at Chateau Shereé at prompting by producers to be purposefully shady.  The arguing ensues and SBS reveals that Kenya didn’t provide a port-a-potty for her contractors and they had to poo and pee in the gully.  Explains the foul odor about a quarter-mile circumference around Moore Manor.  SBS tops it off with some “true tea” about Kenya having a rich African married man giving her money for the down payment on Moore Manor.  Kenya stands firm, she is self-made and pays her own way 100%, via her earnings from the “Dubai Date Book”?  How do we get in on this Dubai Date Book, can we order from Amazon alongside our prosthetic camel toes and synthetic man buns?  Asking for a friend…

Frienemies – Phaedra let Kenya back in her life a pinch and suffered the dire consequence, as predicted.  Phaedra brings up text-gate 2002, while SBS settles up all the bets on when exactly Kenya/Phaedra friendship would free fall into a fiery abyss.

Cynthia weighed in and didn’t really like Kenya’s divorce party either, but she didn’t feel it warranted Phaedra’s, I’m sick and in desperate need of ginger-ale, and while I’m at it I’ll bring up some old wound I said I forgave, but not really, OMG you triflin’ beyotch textin’ my huzzzband who has now been in jail for two years and whom I am divorcing, and who is now engaged to his prison-pen-pal-in-a-box, OH LORT why do I care anymore, I just don’t know, I just need this dayum Bravo paycheck, over the top reaction.  Kenya claims Phaedra is living two lives, Southern Belle public face and Freak HO on da’ streets.  Bottom line, Phaedra has turned into an asshole of epic proportions and she needs to be canned.  Although, Ayden should have his own show where he just says things at random for 22 minutes.

Anger Mis-Management – Porsha addresses her tremendous progress, while SBS and Phaedra steady her to prevent a Defcon 4 melt-down.  Now that Porsha is an expert in how to emote and not get arrested, she hints that Kandi has her own anger management issues and could benefit from some therapy.  As Porsha lectures, Kandi cracks up in her face.  Guuuuurrrrl, when you gonna learn?  Kandi is fresh outta f*cks to give.  She doesn’t need the Bravo paycheck or your triflin’ ass telling her she’s a rageaholic.  There’s some more caterwauling between the two, but I’ve grown tired and disinterested.

Dieter tiresome

Since this is just part one of 987, I’m gonna save up my energy for when we get to the uncontrollable sobbing and storm offs.  See ya’ next week!

Drop the Mic

It’s the conclusion of the RHNJ reunion and I don’t know about y’all, but this season has left me exhausted and bereft.  If one thing is clear, Tre does not have a solid command of the English language, she can’t even do “air quotes” correctly, and Jacs is a lamb in a wolf’s discounted clothing!  Let’s round up the low-lights and move on with our lives, shall we?

  1. Who called the IRS?

Tre backpedals a bit on her assertion that Jacs had the FEDs on speed dial and, hold the mortadella… Chris Laurita has emerged from the snack table to set the record straight!  Apparently, Juicy Joe had some bidness deal gone bad with someone who threatened to turn him in.  Chris happened to know this person and attempted to facilitate some sort of “meeting of the mind” to hash it out, but Juicy Joe blew it off in favor of burying his face in a bottle of vino.  So in Tre’s mind, guilt by association I guess!  Baaaaasiiidzzz….it doesn’t really maaaater nowwwuh…Tre had a great time at camp, no lady pond action, but she found her Zen and received plenty of PG-13 rated massages!  With Juicy Joe now inhabiting the slammer, he has lost 35 pounds is on the verge of an astounding six-pack.  See people…THE PRISON DIET WORKS!  I can see Tre and Juicy now – starring in a 3 a.m. infomercial.

  1. Deportation Station?

OHAC asks Tre about the possibility of Joe being deported.  Tre can’t discuss because it’s a legal matter and she doesn’t want to cry off her false eyelashes.  OHAC comments “you don’t want to give it life”.  Oh Andy you hard-hitting broadcaster…you crystallized her thoughts eloquently!  Tre repeats what he just said and Andy praises her – yes folks, praises her for stating the Response.  He.  Just.  Fed.  Her.  Like.  Cured.  Salty.  Meat.

tre-hands-up

  1. Dolores Cantina – Long Overdue Voice of Reason

I think viewers will agree that Dolores is a welcome addition to this three-ring shit-show and has emerged as a healthy dose of much needed sanity.  She had a few notable quotables this round:

  • “Emotions do not travel in rational channels.” I think she should get that as a tramp stamp.
  • “If you need security and you need to remove the knives from the table, there shouldn’t be a lunch.”
  • Can Tre and Jacs ever be friends again, Dolores? “They would both need a lobotomy.”  I think they should have a lobotomy, regardless…jus’ sayin’!

mic-drop

  1. Do We Even Care Anymore?

We have a flashback of Tre and Jacs’ friendship over the seasons… from young, fresh-faced mothers of toddlers to the haggard, surgically-altered, venom spewing frenemies of tweens.  Face it ladies, you had a good run, but it’s ova!  What’s the ol’ cliché?  Some people come into our lives for a reason, a season, to commit treason, or to be cool for a while and then go batshit?  Jacs is at a turning point and must accept the fact that even the best of friends sometimes outgrow each other.  On the elevator of life, sometimes you have to stop and let a few people off on your way to the top.  Or let a few jump ship while plummeting 60 floors to your untimely death, whichever comes first.

footprints

Jacs – you have found your new station in life – Andy’s beyotch:

jacs-shoe-tie

And with that, I drop my mic!

I Smell a Rat

They should’ve held this reunion at Rails, because I am sure it will be going off of them shortly.  The ladies are caterwauling like hyena’s in heat, so let’s round up the low-lights:

  1. Dolores gets her wings and a new BFF

Dolores has cut financial ties from her ex, Frank the tank, but some of the housewives would like to see them rekindle their romance.  Tre says “no way”, once the P has met another V, all bets are off!

Dolores and Siggy became fast friends, it turns out when Siggy donated her breast implants back to science, they were then implanted in Dolores’ ass.  They have finally found their way home!

We also learn that Siggy put herself through college by waiting tables at TGI Friday’s.  I bet she had a lotta “flair”!

flair

She bought herself a yellow Honda Prelude with a personalized license plate, SIGEE.  She put a slash with magic marker over the second E – SIGEÉ!  Now that’s resourcefulness!

OHAC asks Siggy, relationship expert, what she thinks of Milania’s constant bad behavior and sassing of her parents.  Siggy thinks it’s great, Milania is her spirit animal, “Milania is ME!”  I can see it now, I will be old and gray in the retirement home watching Milania’s show on Bravo!

  1. Tre made it back to the reunion couch

Tre and her hairline made it back to the reunion couch, when she thought last year would be her final sit down.  But you best believe she did not make her triumphant return in a damn Ford, ahem…would you?

In a WTMI moment, here is a li’l nugget, which elicited these faces:

faces

OHAC compliments Joe Gorga on being naked this season.  I am sure Andy grabbed some footage from the cutting room, sans the modesty box, and has it saved as a GIF on his iPhone.  We also learn that Joe Gorga lost his virginity at nine years old.  That’s right people, NINE!  Not even two hands worth of fingers.  And if that wasn’t dreadful enough, Tre walked in on this happening (she was 11), and continued to use the information to manipulate her brother into his early twenties.  This li’l reveal makes me want to hurl more than the presidential election results.

  1. Sprinkle Cookiegate

Jacs is being her usual drain on society and manages to route the discussion down the ancient path of strippergate and sprinkle cookie gate.  Tre clarifies that she did not in fact throw away Melissa’s sprinkle cookies, but another fambly member did the deed.  She covered for that fambly member because she felt bad for Melissa seeing as how she was pregnant with raging hormones and must have been completely out of her mind when she purchased them.  I’m still not entirely clear on what is wrong with sprinkle cookies!  Jacs somehow inserts herself back into the story and it leads to the resuscitation of strippergate.  Tre blames Jacs for strippergate and believes it is the sole reason Jacs didn’t show up to the reunion in 2011.  Jacs clarifies that she did not attend the reunion because her son was regressing and she felt the environment was too toxic.  As opposed to…being on the show the rest of the season?  Jacs really annoys me and I am not sure what she’s doing on this show anymore other than scrapping for a Bravo paycheck.

jacs-coocoo

  1. Cheatergate

Accusations start flying about Chris cheating on Jacs, Joe cheating on Tre, they start calling each other liars and then Tre drops the ultimate bomb of destruction, which Bravo has promo’ed all week “YOU SET ME UP!”  Tre believes Jacs and Caroline had the IRS on speed dial and were the informants responsible for her demise.  Jacs is completely stunned, and rightfully so.  Melissa defers to Siggy the relationship expert, but her expert opinion falls on deaf ears, and ugh that hairline.

Next week – a shocking conclusion.  Thank goodnes, that means it’s only two parts!

Chocolate Bunnies

Well this week, we received an Easter basket full of chocolate bunnies gone HAM!  We received some ghastly penis based insults, a reflective wig tuggin’ trip down memory lane, and the cherry on our Sunday….prison masturbation.  Let’s jump right in with the low-lights:

  1. Overboard

Revisiting the shit show that was the boat outing where everyone was calling each other beyotches and ho’s, Cynthia and Porsha admit they were turnt up, meaning hammered on Hennessey and orange juice.  We revisit one of my favorite fisticuffs, She by Shereé’s infamous “wig tug”, which she claims was just a “shift”, a helpful “adjustment” if you will.  Whilst they are talking about Kim’s wig – meaning Kim Zolciak, Kim Fields is looking around as if she is lost in a corn maze.

Anyhoo…Cynthia and Porsha continue to diagram the altercation as if they are in advanced placement English, trying to diagram complex sentence structure.  Between the wrist grabbing, the acrylic nail finger pointing, the straddle, the gut kick, and the security tackle, they finally agree they were both at fault.  Although Porsha wants to point out that she suffered “contusions” all over her body.  She just wanted an excuse to use the $5.00 word she learned at the CVS Mini-Clinic.  Kenya brings up something about Porsha pulling a Naomi Campbell on her assistant and Porsha fights back by accusing Kenya of seeing a one-eyed African.  Is this “one-eyed African” the latest Urban Dictionary slang term for a penis or is this an actual African man wearing an eye patch?

  1. Mommy Dearest

We revisit the painful rejection Kenya faces at the hands of her biological mother and Porsha just doesn’t know when to shut up.  She has been trying to figure out why Kenya is such an asshole, and thinks the deadbeat mom is the reason.  No, she is just a plain ol’ garden variety asshole.  Kenya claims that lack of her mother’s love is not her problem, in fact she had such a wonderful upbringing with the love of a fantastic father!  Raise your hand if you are confused, hasn’t one of Kenya’s main storylines been mending her relationship with her father?  Phaedra looks about as bored as the corpses she embalms.  The prosecution rests, this oatmeal pie face is half-baked.

  1. Papa Smurf on the Prowl

We continue to beat the dead marriage horse and Papa Smurf joins the stage to somewhat defend his position, but not really.  He spends all of his time in Charlotte canoodling with his staff, but hey…he and Cynthia are great!  OHAC whips out his hard-hitting investigative journalism skills and notes that they sound, well “separated”.  Peter actually has the stones to compare himself to a soldier who leaves for duty and doesn’t see his wife and family for months.  As if being away while serving up mozzarella sticks in paper food boats and canoodling with underage bar patrons is somehow the same?  I think Peter is still smoking whatever he bought in Jamaica and was able to sneak through customs up his asshole.

Cynthia supports her ol’ crusty hubby by complimenting his cheating acumen, Peter would be more discreet if he was up to no good.  Porsha keeps pushing after Peter and advises Cynthia that Peter pays his waitresses pennies, er uh… penises, you know…Dick Dollars!  Somehow Kenya gets involved and she and Porsha go at it.  They hurl tasteless insults at each other, something about lying on your back to make a small piece of change.  Porsha says something about a “dry piece instead of wet piece in that ditch”, I have no idea what the hell she means, but it Sounds.  Just.  Gross.  Kenya tells her to shut her mouth “if there’s not a dick in it, you don’t know what you’re saying.”  Porsha snaps back with a really distasteful “What about that dick you tuck every day before you come to work, beyotch!”  Peter exits stage left and makes room for Ayden, which is such an appropriate follow up to that sacrilege!

Stupid mouth

Ayden helps Andy host the show for a minute by asking questions which OHAC whispers in his ear, but then suddenly…out of the mouths of babes…he asks his mama “why are you here and when are you coming home?”  Mama has to make a buck, chile…as OHAC sends him off to raid craft services.

Ayden OHAC

  1. Phaedra Gets Her Groove Back (Chile…she never lost it!)

The next low-light focuses on Phaedra and she is pressing on with her divorce and she will complete her Match.com profile when the paperwork is final.  As a sidebar:  I notice that the set is decorated entirely with all of the items featured in the annual Pier One “teal” catalog.  You know the one…

Anyhoo… Phaedra is on the fence about taking the boys back to visit Apollo in the clink, she said there were inappropriate things going on in the back row, and of course OHAC asks the question we all had on our minds, “like what?!?!”  After the Bravo Intern wiped the drool from his chin with a Jimmy John’s napkin, Phaedra answers the question “someone had their hands in someone else’s pants…ahem…masturbation.”  Isn’t that technically a “hand job”, or in Phaedra speak “digital stimulation”.

Either way, it’s gross and not something Ayden needs to learn.  We need to keep that kid cute and innocent as long as possible!

  1. Party Crashers

The final low-light we will cover is the discussion of Tammy’s nephew…Glen, who Kenya invited to the Miami party house.  Phaedra pretty much called it here by pointing out what we all know, Kenya wanted him around, but when he rebuffed her poor excuse for flirtation, she wanted him out.  Kenya denies, accuses Phaedra of always trying to paint her as a “wanton hussy”.  The ladies don’t disagree that Glen was acting crazier than a bed bug and should have been asked to leave, but Kenya kept pushing the issue, poking the hornet’s nest as Kim called it.  Kenya is always so quick to call security at the sight of an errant coochie crack, but in Miami Kenya kept pushing Glen for a reaction while security was already handling it.

Kandi, of all people, starts defending Kenya because “at the end of the day”, it was Glen who was acting crazy right out of the gate, throwing gang signs at a pregnant woman.  Sigh…at the end of the day…I think Kandi needs a break to hit the dressing room and use her breast pump.

Kandi - defending

Next week Nene makes an appearance in a nude illusion, jewel encrusted, cat suit (someone please show this woman a mirror!)  The house-hubbies hit the couch and Kim Fields shouts “PLAY.  THE.  EFFING.  TAPE.  BACK!”  The supersized part three will be worth it just to see Kim come about as unglued as her wiglette.

Better From the Tap

It’s reunion time, finally!  After a long, arduous, season about…well much ado about nothing…we have reached part one of the pinnacle.  As you may know, dear reader, I am not going to detail blow-by-blow of the reunion, for fear that my nerves will collapse and your head will explode.  Let’s hit the low-lights of part 1 of 187:

  1. Baby Talk – OHAC stars by asking Kenya if the pregnancy rumors are true, and we don’t mean her new pups King and Twirl…he means Kenya…and of course she will not confirm or deny the rumor. If Kenya is with child, we are going to need Phaedra to get Jesus on speed dial, and even he may not be able to fix it.  Somewhere in the ATL, Matt is googling “how to get into the witness protection program”.

We learn that Lauren has given birth, making Porsha a proud aunt.  Kandi is looking rather fantastic after delivering Baby Ace.  Reflecting on Kandi and Todd’s pregnancy journey, Kenya attempts to knock them down by chastising Todd for taking a bidness call during the early sonogram.  Kandi defends her man, she ain’t trippin’ and isn’t one to pass up a check.

We are treated to some unseen footage of Todd tasking the breast milk out of a bottle, and OHAC lets his freak flag fly as he exclaims…“It’s better from the tap!”  [insert sound of needle scratching off record here].  Annnnnd…How.  Exactly.  The.  F*ck.  Do.  You.  Know.  This?  Somewhere in St. Louis, Evelyn Cohen has died from embarrassment.

How do you know this

  1. Shady Bunch – There was a lot of shade thrown this season and the award for best shade goes to none other than Shaedra Parks. We are treated to a montage of shade thrown, and Phaedra’s impersonation of Kenya is first rate.  Just getting to revisit this clip of Phaedra twirling like a dervish in her 4th of July outfit is giving me new life.
  1. Frienemies? – Where are Phaedra and Kandi with their on-again off-again romance? Phaedra sent flowers when Baby Ace was born and she brought Kandi some chicken fingers, but forgot the honey mustard.  READ:  UNFORGIVABLE!  Kandi was offended by the attacks on Todd, but Phaedra was a little miffed about her soon to be incarcerated husband’s hidden assets in their garage.  Cynthia takes her moment to get some screen time and explained that she thought Phaedra knew Apollo was keeping stuff at her and Kandi’s homes…annnnd this is the only thing Cynthia has to say all night.  She must be conserving energy for when Papa Smurf joins her because previews indicate she will need to defend her janky marriage.

There was another matter of the money Phaedra owed Todd for her workout video, OHAC points out that Phaedra wouldn’t lift a finger for She by Shereé’s divorce proceedings until she had that full retainer in her hand, cash and/or money order.  Phaedra goes on to say that she received a shoddy final product from Todd, thus requiring extensive editing.  Blah, blah, blah…translation = the video will not even be going straight to DVD.

  1. Tootie Your Own Horn – Kim Fields needs an extra semester at the Skewl of Read, but she is learning to stand up for herself and finally participates in a bit of confrontation now that she is securely on the reunion couch, at least 15 feet away from “Oatmeal Pie Face” [READ: Shaedra to Kenya].

Oatmeal

Kim showed composure and class when she complimented Kenya on her comedic talents demonstrated in the “Life Twirls On” pilot, however it went south quickly after Kim  got to know Kenya and deemed her unworkwithable.

Kenya thinks she and Kim have comparable careers, but OHAC points out that Kim has been a star since she was a child and well into the ‘90’s, whereas Kenya was merely a Miss “whoesseh?” in 1990.  READ!

Who SA

Kenya claims that Kim is on her stage right now, of which Kenya is the star and Kim is low man on the totem pole.  Kim is looking around confused, she has zero f*cks left to give, because she is due at DWTS for a costume fitting in an hour.  Kenya criticized Kim for speaking about herself in third person, which is freaking laughable coming out of that cauldron of oatmeal pie face.  Talking about herself is about the only skill Kenya has, oh and interrupting and talking over others.  Kenya keeps interrupting and since she is no longer allowed to bring props, she starts clapping her hands at Kim like a rabies infected baby seal.  Kim is temporarily possessed and points her warning finger at Kenya, and with an “I freaking dare you” tone, says “say something!”

SaySomethin

What Kenya doesn’t realize is that Kim is a committed mom prepared for any situation, she has Ziploc bags full o’ cheddar goldfish under her couch cushion, she is wearing leggings as pants underneath her gown, and she is ready to spring into action and kangaroo kick Kenya in her oatmeal pie face.

Whew…glad that’s over!  Kudos to Kim for finally “bossin’ up”!  Next time, the hubbies join the stage for more drama.

Issues and Tissues

The hot mess express has reached its final destination on the underground railroad…finally!  Let’s round up the low lights:

  1. The Rotten Peach

Lupeter is salivating into his wife’s wig, waiting to address the cheating rumors that Phaedra was throwing around like cheap pocketbooks.  He notes that if he were to cheat, he would go big or go home and hook up with J-Lo or Beyoncé.  So not only is Papa Smurf annoying, he is delusional.  Lupeter goes over his lifetime information sharing limits when he tells us he would rather jerk off than get with one of his Bar None waitresses.

Peter-saying

  1. Half-Assed, Half-Breed Apologies

Kandi and Todd update us on their flourishing marriage, they are working on a baby and Kandi is undergoing fertility treatments that have fattened her up and have caused her boobs to grow larger than Nene’s swollen ego.  Todd speaks out about the half-assed apology Mama Joyce gave on camera, but Kandi wanted to make yet another excuse for her mother’s appalling behavior.  That half-assed apology given on camera was done when Todd’s mother was still alive, as if that makes it acceptable.  Only after Todd’s mother passed way, did he get a three quarters-assed apology.  Gregg Leakes spoke at Sharon’s funeral and wanted to go on record that Nene tried everything she could to get out of Broadway to be at the funeral.  Phaedra couldn’t make it either, but she assisted with making the proper arrangements complete with bedazzled prayer cloths.

Later, we reflect back on Nene’s malevolent alter ego…NayNay, making an appearance in Puerto Rico and she gets some heat for calling Claw-dia “half breed”.  Nene can’t bring herself to offer an apology to Claw-dia, but she gives her patented dead-in-the-eyes apology to all the viewers she has offended.

  1. Deep thoughts with Gregg Leakes

“Faults are like headlights on a car, you can only see the other persons.”  Can someone put his shock collar on him and throw him behind his electric fence?  He has clearly been sitting behind Nene too long, inhaling her wig glue fumes.

  1. End of the Road Friendship Contract

We once again belabor the point that Nene and Cynthia are dunzo.  Cynthia feels the incessant need to rehash their fall out, blow by blow, so that she never has to repeat it again.  Here’s a brief synopsis:  Lupita beyotch, Cynthia should be fired, food off my table, I’m wrong, you’re right, burn baby burn.

  1. Freindtervention

Dr. Jeff joins the group and Nene confronts him about how the therapy sesh was poorly handled.  Then, like a one legged rickshaw driver, Nene completely breaks down.

Nene-Breakdown

She refuses to talk, and the group must have a rehearsal because they are all in on the fact that Nene didn’t have a relationship with her mother and this is why she has to be carried off the stage.  As she is walking out, everyone gathers around her except for Kandi and Claw-dia, who are taking the opportunity to adjust their Spanx and check their texteses.

Nene-Walk off

Dr. Jeff and OHAC get the backstory from Gregg and it turns out that Nene’s mother had five children and couldn’t handle them all so she sent Nene and her brother away to be raised by their aunt.  This abandonment issue has plagued Nene for years and she never understood why she was sent away.  Cynthia whisks Nene into the ladies room for a makeup re-touch and Dr. Jeff and OHAC declare this as a “Breakthrough!”  It’s a Christmas miracle!  Cynthia teeters on her 8” heels back to the stage to update the rest of the group, who incidentally, don’t give three hot, wet farts.

The dramatic music is cued as Nene returns to her perch.  Cynthia gives her a pep talk, telling her how great she is and how she has it all, reverting back to the Cynthia that lives up Nene’s ass.  Claw-dia, realizing she hasn’t said two lines during the last two parts of the reunion, gives her own version of a pep talk and declares that they should not be fighting, but connecting on this common ground.  Dr. Jeff rounds it out by saying that we all have a story and if you don’t talk about your story, it will continue to contaminate all of your relationships.  Nene just can’t help herself…despite her total mental breakdown, she collects herself long enough to beat a dead horse.  She asks Dr. Jeff if he would have handled the counseling sesh the same way.  He placates her by saying that since he now knows what her needs are, he would adjust accordingly.  So basically, now that he knows she’s a raging drama queen on stilts, he would gladly stroke her ego for $175 per hour.  With that, OHAC sends him off in a pneumatic air tube back to shrink-land.

  1. Last Ditch Efforts

As this 90 minute torture sesh winds down, Cynthia decides to apologize to Phaedra for the pain she caused, given that Phaedra had her roughest season ever.  Thank God for caffeine enemas to pull a gal through!  Phaedra notes that she is still dealing with a lot of crap, but “I walk in gratitude because pressure builds diamonds.”  Sounds like someone has found their opening tag line for next season!

Claw-dia feels she has grown and will be creating a vision board with an illustration of herself, clinging her peach tightly in her falcon toes.  Kenya has learned understanding, forgiveness, and never to say never.  Porsha feels everyone has had a breakthrough, including her…breaking through her clothing she purchased from the Forever 21 clearance bin.  Kandi equates life to a roller coaster with ups and downs and she looks forward to the future.  Nene admits she did not see her breakdown coming and appreciated the support when she returned to the stage.  Until she is talking shit about everyone the minute she gets off the stage.

Talk-n-Shout

Welcome back to the set decorated entirely from the clearance bin at Pier One!  A lot of talk during round two, and no action.  Let’s round up the low lights:

  1. Charitable Donations

Kenya takes Nene to task for not writing a check for charity and calls her “rotten to your core.”  Nene claims that if she is going to make a charitable donation, she doesn’t feel the need to announce it, and she’ll do it when she is dayum ready…mmmmkay!  She neglects to add that her “Celebrity Apprentice” check went toward her new Petco teeth.

  1. Cynthia 2.0

Cynthia 2.0. has found a new clique, a clique that kicks Phaedra while she is down.  Cynthia claims that when she presented the rumor about Phaedra’s affair with Mr. Chocolate, she was presenting her the opportunity to “shut it down and keep it movin’.”  Phaedra is clearly pissed and there’s a lotta talking over each other.  Cynthia winds the round by telling Ms. Parks to “win a case”.  Cynthia has clearly forgotten Phaedra’s biggest win this season… Some Rando vs. Hairburglar, Derek J.  These ladies are gonna cause me to catch a case.

  1. Friends for Never

The Ace Boon Coons, Kandi and Phaedra, are still on the outs…the waaaaay outs.  We flash back to the clip where Phaedra actually got emotional over having a shortage of friends who give a crap about her and she learned that when her chips were down, it was Nene who was there to support her.  Kandi’s voice starts rattling and she explains that there were other things going on in her life besides the cancellation of her horrible musical, “A Mother’s Love”.  She too, had a fambly member going to prison, a crumbling marriage, and apparently she dropped her iPhone in the toilet and changed her number and never informed her BFFL.  Phaedra gives one of her patented “at the end of the day” speeches, but Kandi appears to be done with her.

Kandi-Upset

  1. Friend Swapping

No it’s not yet another new reality show, but the wives seemed to switch friends more often than they change their wig glue.  Cynthia has moved out of Nene’s ass and into Kenya’s genetically modified one.  Nene got tight with Phaedra and has “evolved from the Nene of yesteryear.”  Phaedra notes that she and Nene became close because of where they are both currently “seated in life”.  Yea, seated at the reunion from hell.

  1. Lupeter and the other Househusbands

No, Lupeter is not the latest winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race, but it’s a new nickname for our very own Papa Smurf, Peter Thomas.  Peter is still peach-less, but he ain’t speech-less.  He isn’t afraid to say whatever the F*CK he wants to say, even if it means getting into the women’s bidness and looking like a punk.  Speaking of looking like a punk, poor li’l Todd looks like he needs a booster seat, you can barely see him over the back of the couch.  Anyway, Lupeter reiterates… “I don’t give a F*CK!” and Cynthia shoots him the death glare and threatens to wash his mouth out with the dirty sink water from Bar One.  I guess Lupeter missed social poise day at the Bailey Agency for wayward models, where Cynthia sells “pipe dreams to little girls”.

  1. Sex, Lies, and Color Copies of Fabricated Texteses

Phaedra denies ever compromising her marriage for an unknown Mr. Chocolate and claims that she still loves Apollo.  She thinks Apollo doctored the texteses, but Todd pipes up and says “he came by with color copies.”  Phaedra addresses lunging at Kenya with her pocketbook over Brazilian meats and notes that she was at a breaking point.  Mainly due to the meat sweats, but earlier that day, Apollo had refused to turn himself in, Bunn ran up on her perfectly manicured lawn with his crotch rocket, and Apollo had run toward her with a drill.  And let’s not forget the bucket o’ hinges!  Kenya doesn’t buy the “breaking point” excuse for bad behavior, after all, a blind man could see that Phaedra had time to get to the Mexican spa for a boob job, despite spinning power drills and flying hinges.

Lupiter

  1. Everybody Flirts

After Phaedra continued to call Kenya a whore, Kenya starts yelling “Everybody flirts!” and then draws Nene in by saying she flirted with Lupeter.  Nene rears her Petco choppers back, Gregg secures her earrings, and Nene gives Kenya a very loud “HOLD UP!” accompanied by a waving acrylic fingernail of death.  Nene will not be disrespected, she is NOT PHAEDRA, as she throws her new BFFL under the prison bus carrying Apollo.  Gregg says he doesn’t care if Nene was flirting because “I won”, to which Kenya retorts “I’m glad you think you have a prize.”

Nene-Flirt

Next week part three where Nene breaks down talking about her mom.

I think I’m Turning Japanese

Part one of the reunion was as tired as the Asian inspired set, comprised of old items scavenged from the P.F. Changs remodel at the Cumberland Mall.

Group Photo - Reunion 1

Let’s break it down shall we…here are the top five moments:

  1. Montage of Hair

The Bravo intern assigned to housewives duty will have to work another summer without pay, Bravo has blown it’s budget on a satirical wig commercial.  It’s mildly amusing, the best part is the voice over at the end, “Beware of hair burglars.  Do not attempt to glue wigs to your forehead.”  Wigs subject to being snatched.”  Kenya admits to wearing a clip in piece to supplement her own 24” hair, and I am sure it’s quick release in the event someone gets dragged up in this bey-otch!

  1. Nene is now in the NFL…No Friends Left!

Kandi calls Nene out for her stank superiority complex and she makes a face like she just smelt Nene’s unwashed asshole.  I think Kandi is a little stung over her recess buddy, Phaedra, bonding with Nene over the hell of a nasty divorce and Nene throws it in her face a bit saying “you wouldn’t understand”, but lest we forget that Kandi is your girl if your ex-fiancé dies.

Nene won’t shut up and they get into the “I SEE YOU…”, “WE SEE EACH OTHA…” pointing of the index finger adorned with a way too long acrylic nail.

Kandi-Attitude

  1. Let’s Get Physical

Phaedra chats about Apllo’s greed ultimately being his demise and we revisit his crazy rant with power tools and hinges that not even his pal, Bunn on a motorcycle, could contain.  Understandably, Phaedra’s number one concern is her children and she admits that she hasn’t filed for divorce yet.  Maybe there will be a reconciliation in season 110!  OHAC asks Phaedra if Apollo has ever gotten physical with her and she refuses to answer…is this a case of “silence speaks volumes”?  She still hasn’t taken the boys to visit their father because, like, well, Kentucky is far and icky.  It might snow, her tazer might be confiscated, and hell let’s just crab boil it down…she just doesn’t want to.

  1. Rotten Peaches

Porsha gets a seat on the couch and talks in her usual tone…all kinds of crazy.  She is dressed like she just emerged from a children’s movie about forest nymphs who wear shower curtains to protect them from flying scepters, whirling pocket books, and possessed rat-infested weave scraps.

Claw-dia puts Porsha on blast for dating a married man and notes that she is [ahem], “a journalist” and she used her best investigative reporting talents to get Porsha liquored on a few cocktails in the Philippines and singin’ like a canary.  Great work Jordan, you’ll be collecting your Pulitzer during open mic night at Zanies in no time.

Porsha discusses her dating life and claims she was dating an athlete and then she said something about an Asian… I lost interest quickly, but did get a chuckle out of Phaedra doing the head swirl while saying “mmmm …get me some Chinese!”  I don’t’ know if she’s hungry or horny.

  1. Kenya is the Best Whore EVA!

Probably the second best moment after the wig infomercial was the whore calling.  Phaedra tells Kenya “the Bible has a lot of whores, you’re in good company.”  Kenya fumes and comes back with, “If I was going to be a whore, I would be the best goddamn whore EVA!”  Ain’t that the truth!

Rallied Up

Noelle homecoming.  Cynthia freakin’.  Kenya offering tips.  Cynthia freakin’.  Noelle modeling.  Noelle twirling.  Noelle walking in high heels on wood floor!  Cynthia rehearsing.  Keyna shrieking.  Kenya attitude coaching.  Kenya teaching twirl.  Cynthia teaching how to walk.

Noelle

Later… Cynthia closet.  Summons Peter.  Peter notes her ass got bigger in Philippines.  Douche nozzle.  Help Cynthia with fake Jamaican accent for role in Kenya’s pilot.  BLAH.

Kenya shooting fake pilot.  Ordering Production Assistant around like a red headed stepchild.  Cynthia can’t act.

Cynthia Acting

Nene and Gregg are at Sardi’s in NYC, Gregg daydreams of Nene being on the wall someday, but she is already snapping her fingers at the manager asking him why her picture isn’t on the wall NOW!  Their son, Brentt, is with them in NYC and Gregg thinks he needs rules and supervision, but Nene is a bit offended.  Gregg promises to watch over Brentt and instead of a family pinky swear, they engage in a French fry huddle.

French Fry Huddle

Phaedra back at work fake lawyering away and she calls in her assistant to relive the glory of her caffeine enema.  Phaedra is now refreshed from her mind to her bottom and she is ready to spearhead a “men’s rally” to empower minorities and adolescent boys who are fatherless.  She recounts the story she heard from the guide on the Philippines tour and she is fully inspired now that she has joined the ranks of “single parent”.  Phaedra contacts David Johns, White House Czar, for assistance with her rally.  He is all in and Phaedra suggests they brainstorm, circle back around, hammer out some details, and then drop some more buzz words and catch phrases in effort to appear as if she is really working on this.

Kandi is prepping for a “date night” with Todd and she calls in a stylist who shows up with a selection of outfits from the Forever 21 Ho Stroll Collection.  Todd has been in L.A. working and Kandi thinks “distance makes the panties get hotter”, when in reality it is causing her remote control panties to short out, presenting a fire hazard.  Riley walks in on the fashion show and thinks her mom is showing too much cleavage.

Kandi Cleveage

Later at the dinner date, Todd presents Kandi with flowers and they are excited to see each other after two weeks apart.  They both order “the salmon”, translation = we’re gonna get freaky tonight so we don’t want to eat too much.  Of course Kandi’s ass is growling and she orders a side of mac-n-cheese.  Kandi discusses the Philippines trip, but she still needs to “relieve some tension”, to which Todd responds, “are you ovulating?”  And just when you thought their romance was dead!  The conversation to follow is just odd and sad… Kandi mentions that she didn’t think they would make it to their one year anniversary and Todd mentions that his show was greenlit for another season, which means more time in L.A. and away from Kandi.  But what about the baby?  Todd doesn’t have time, they already have a blended family, he’s building his empire, and he still has that pesky Mama Joyce shrapnel embedded in his spine.  Kandi thinks they need to see each other at least every two weeks and he suggests she trot her ass out to L.A. for a while, but Kandi doesn’t want to leave Riley, although Todd points out if there were a move role in L.A., Kandi would be out there faster than she puts the mac-n-cheese down her gullet.  Kandi reminds Todd, “don’t forget the appointment with the fertility doctor tomorrow!”  Good lookin’ out…

It’s the day of Phaedra’s S.O.S. (Save Our Sons) rally charity event extravaganza.  Phaedra Parks takes the stage, but not without some fanfare.  She walks in escorted by a drumline and says a few words before handing over the mic to Judge Mathis, who prepares to tell these kids how to stay out of negative environments (irony, anyone?).

Judge Mathis

Meanwhile back in the kitchen, Phaedra assembles the ladies to serve up the lunch plates, because what better place to have a cat fight than the lunch lady line.  The ladies take their places, Nene is assigned to rolls, Cynthia beans, and Porsha, appropriately, is on meat.

Phaedra starts serving the plates while the panel is speaking and Peter decides to take the microphone and interrupt the speaker by saying “not to take the mic and interrupt, but…” and he continues to imply that the boys in the room are unintelligent rubes.  What an ass of epic proportion.  Judge Mathis…Ass whoopin’ at table 12!

Peter Mic

The only person Claw-dia is interested in serving is Nene, with a full plate o’ ass on blast.  She confronts her about storming out of the Dr. Jeff therapy sesh and they get so loud that the people in the main event room can hear them.  Ladies, ladies…has no one ever taught you how to work a lunch assembly line?  The chitlins be gettin’ cold!

Kenya arrives late, just as Nene is storming out because she has had enough harassment and her wig glue is melting after standing over the hot Sterno cans.  Phaedra and Porsha trail after Nene as she tells them that she is in a “good place in her life” and she doesn’t need “all the negativity”.  Nene hops in her black Escalade and heads for the airport.

Claw-dia continues to berate Nene in the kitchen, calling her “new money”, meaning she doesn’t know how to handle her success.  Another volunteer comes back to the kitchen and tells Claw-dia to shut up and plate up.

Next week is the season finale before 83 part reunion, Nene takes the Broadway stage, Kandi heads to L.A., Apollo calls peter from prison, and Life continues to twirl on into crazy land.