Reunion – Part Quatre

We pick up where we left off last week – the moment before #HouseOfCardsByPhaedra comes crashing down into a pile of messy rubble.  There is a lot of caterwauling, fake crying, shrieking, and too-little, too-late apologizing here…Parts 1 & 2 were the bread, part 3 was the mayo and mustard, now let’s get to the meat of this shit sangwich!

Phaedra has now admitted she repeated the rumor to Porsha, that Kandi hatched a plan to pull a Bill Cosby on Porsha and drag her back to her sex dungeon, and commit untold things.  With this admission, Porsha fires back at her BFF (soon to be former) – “YOU TOLD ME KANDI SAID IT TO YOU!”  This is where Kandi freaks out and a fiery hailstorm of “THE LIES, THE LIES, THE LIES!” rains down on Phaedra.

Kandi - Flip Out

Porsha starts breaking down, realizing that her BFF used her as pawn in her game to start a vicious rumor, but nobody is buying her tears.  I am not really either, considering there are no actual tears coming out of her botox-blocked ducts.  She is faking all the way and these two must have used a Groupon for some back alley acting class.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta - Season 9

Kandi is legit crying and her copper glitter makeup is in her eyes and she’s blinded.  She stumbles off stage and yells to Todd that she’s ready to “punch them Ho’s in the face!”  Now there’s a show I can get behind!

Shamea sits with Porsha trying really hard not to say “I told you so”, but she big, fat, says it anyway and this isn’t a message Porsha is ready to receive.  Porsha asks for her sister to come in and comfort her, while her BFF, partner in crime, is calmly having her curls touched up.

Everyone else is milling around backstage, they have kicked off their heels and are walking around in their pedicure lily pads.  They are ready to lay down, wiggle out of their spanx, and make some popcorn!  Kenya gets Brandon on the phone to check her appointment book – nope won’t give any f*cks tomorrow either!

Kenya - Calendar

OHAC drops in on Porsha, she feels set up, but knowing that the show must go on, he encourages her to tidy up that eyeliner and apologize to Kandi.  He heads across the hall to visit Kandi, and he says “I’m shocked”, while maintaining a cool, half-smiling demeanor, which suggests he is the opposite of shocked.  He glances at his watch… touch it up and get back on that stage.  Dance, monkeys, dance!

Dance Monkey

Phaedra’s touched up weave is all set and she creeps in to Porsha’s area saying “I’m sorry!”  Porsha is fanning herself with a paper plate she grabbed from craft services.  If she has any sense at all she will throw that friendship contract in the nearest appliance fire and run!

Porsha - fanning

The gang assembles themselves back into the insufferable semi-circle of the damned and Porsha asks Phaedra when she was going to “stop the madness” and Phaedra sits there like a clam with lockjaw and dementia.

Porsha insists that Phaedra relayed this rumor as first-hand information, but Phaedra tries to play the “you heard me wrong” card.  Kenya pipes up “here comes the spin”!  Porsha threatens to pull out text messages and receipts.  I sorta wish she would have, but then we would be into part cinq, and I really want to get on with my life.

Porsha insists her BFF maintained this information was first-hand up until two days ago.  Phaedra will not supply any explanation other than “bad judgment” and “I made a rash decision”!  Sorry counselor Parks, a “rash decision” is eating the entire cake instead of just a slice, #Don’tJudgeMe.  You don’t normally make said “rash decision” repeatedly, over a period of 12 successive weeks.  #AgainDon’tJudgeMe!

We migrate a bit away from the Bill Cosby allegations and Phaedra does cop to the “Marvin” rumor, which Kandi finds funny because Todd hasn’t even been to New York since his mother passed.  Wow, at this point Phaedra should feel like a grade-A piece of dog shit scraped from the bottom of an algae ridden pond, filled with toxic radioactive waste.  We briefly touch on the Johnnie lawsuit, Phaedra’s dabblings with Mr. Chocolate, who she claims is a man she was speaking to, but never met, and he was encouraging her.  Let’s bag the “is there hope for this friendship” segment and call it a freaking day!

At the end, OHAC presents Cynthia with a 50th birthday cake with trick candles, but we are done with tricks!  Get rid of Frick and Frack!  Well I don’t know about you, but I am exhausted, winded, and bereft!  See you next season!

Reunion – Part Trois

This week was all over the map and the only parts worth seeing was the sparkly sheen radiating from the new beard on Bob Crazy Eye and the last five minutes when we learn that Phaedra Parks is the responsible party for taking the shit stirring to a new low, not that any of us are shocked #AlternativePhactsByPhaedra!

House Hubbies – We are joined by Papa Smurf, Marvin (li’l Todd), and Bob Crazy Eye.  Bob either has a new product endorsement deal with Jheri Curl or he doesn’t understand the direction “repeat as needed”, as in, “Trim beard to socially acceptable level of crazy, apply liberally, repeat as needed.”  Bob tries to apologize to SBS again, but she ain’t buyin’ his counterfeit goods.  She has heard it all before and the door has been slammed and nailed shut on any re-kindling hopes they once had.  I don’t think she ever had any intention on getting back together with him.  I think she accidentally packed her Kandi Koated toys in a box labeled “unfinished basement” during the move to Chateau Shereé and she had a weak moment and thought she might let Bob back in the hen house.  Too little, too late Bob.  Oh, and I hope your new beard gets caught in a box fan.

Crazy eye sheen

Papa Smurf and Cynthia are on texting terms and we learn that Noelle continues her relationship with Peter and asks him for advice.  Not sure what type of advice the teen would need…how to single handedly squander your partner’s life-time earnings in two years?  How to get caught on camera giving hickeys to a waitress?  How to fail at every business venture you attempt?

OHAC asks to clarify once and for all, did Papa and Cynthia take one last lap around the pool while vacationing in Hawaii?  Papa answers, if he can’t have all of Cynthia then he wants none of her or her magnificent weave.  Good answer, considering he has clearly had several cocktails.  Cynthia discusses why the marriage didn’t work, it was one hurdle after another and she couldn’t cope with the stress.  Welcome to marriage, baby, where you too can be eternally mad and resentful!  I guess Cynthia was right, she just isn’t the marrying kind.  Cynthia reveals she has gone on one date and is starting the application process, meanwhile, Peter is drunkenly swiping right on his phone and he looks up long enough to let us know that he has a very promising prospect in his snare.

In other relationships careening off the rails, Porsha and Todd are “on pause”.  He got a job in D.C., they generally are not speaking, and they have no plans on proceeding with the baby-nup.  Papa Smurf is salivating, not only for his own peach and tagline, but he is ready to pounce like a Liger on Porsha and Phaedra.  Instead he chooses to take what little dignity he has left and walk off the stage screaming to the Bravo Intern “where the f*ck is da’ drank, DAWG…the f*ck is da’ drank?!?”  Cynthia whips out her laminated wallet card containing her divorce decree, looks heavenward, and whispers “Thank you, Jezzuz!”

SBS Bone Carrier Mess Box – SBS was titled the “bone carrier” this season because she be draggin’ allllll the skeletons outta da’ closet.  Shamea joins the insufferable semi-circle of the damned and we learn that she and Porsha have terminated their friendship contract.  Kenya chimes in a few times and nicknames Porsha “Elvis” due to her sparkly outfit and new pompadour wiglette.  Porsha snarls back with her rehearsed arsenal of zingers, “you propped up those long jugs and think you doin’ somethin’!”  “Toodles Bitch!”  “BYE WIG!”  Porsha apologizes to Shamea for not defending her when Phaedra threw her and Kandi under the bus by way of obscene hand gesture, and for anything she ever did, anywhere, at any time, that made her want to terminate their friend-nup.  Shamea accepts, but goes on record stating the Frick and Frack do not have a real friendship.  It’s merely an alliance based on convenience.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta - Season 9

At that point, Shamea and Phaedra go at it.  Shamea says that Phaedra’s navel is a li’l to the left and she should stop using Groupon for her plastic surgery.  Across the insufferable semi-circle of the damned, Kenya chortles with delight.

Through the Psychological Threshing Machine that is the Rumor Mill – We get into the vicious rumors spread about Kandi.  Kandi admits she has taken a healthy dip in the lady pond a time or two, or three or four… OHAC is a little too interested, he wants exact numbers and a pie chart!  Pun intended.

Phaedra and Porsha keep skirting the issue on semantic technicalities, but I call audible foul.  Porsha maintains she was wearing her beer goggles when she kissed Kandi, asked her to go back to her hotel room, and then engage in an oral transaction to Kandi’s full satisfaction.  Since she and Kandi can’t agree on what actually transpired, Kandi notes that she should’ve taken Porsha up on the offer just to prove the point.  Well, sometimes ya’ gotta take one for the team Kandi!

There is more inane discussion, more demonstrations of inappropriate hand gestures, including a repeat of the index finger into the circled thumb and forefinger and OHAC throws in a scissoring gesture, just for good measure.

At this point the question is posed to Porsha as to why the hell she said those defamatory things about Kandi.  She responds by waxing philosophical about how she is “journalist” at Dish Nation.  And yes, I will “air quote” that right in her lying face!  After everyone gets off the floor from falling down laughing, Porsha announces that she received a cease and desist from Kandi and cannot speak about the alleged “Kandi planned to drug me, drag me down to her sex dungeon, and then rape me with her best-selling Kandi Koated sex toy” rumor.  Porsha deploys the ultimate conversational ripcord when she turns to her BFF and politely asks Phaedra to explain why she said this was Kandi’s intention.  And BAMM!  BLOOP!  SHUT THE PHRONT DOOR!  The Liger is outta the bag.

Kandi - Flip Out

Next week is the explosive conclusion where Kandi loses her shit on Phaedra.  Phaedra has taken “throwing shade” way too far, it’s about to go down like a fat kid on a see-saw!  See you next week!

Reunion – Part Deux

Hey everybody, I don’t know about you, but I find it utterly disturbing the ungodly abomination, heretofore known as Keyna Moore, is the most well behaved this reunion season.  I guess I shouldn’t count those chickens before they snap, there are two more parts of this shit show yet to be seen.  Let’s get on to the low lights of this week:

Porsha on the Playground – We pick up where we left off, Porsha sulking because she feels bullied in the sandbox.  Hey, I’ve got a remedy for that, leave the show.  Do not walk off, but storm off with all the reckless abandon of a two-year old.  I know she needs the Bravo paycheck, but dayum guuuuurl, if the group treats you that badly then just pour all your energies into emoting on Dish Nation.

Serious Matt-ers – We review the unhinged Matt behavior, there are allegations that Kenya hired Matt to play the role, she allegedly has a new boyfriend, and apparently Matt has a crush on Porsha.  The most interesting thing about this segment is that Kenya admits to engaging in sexy time in Matt’s truck, as he alleged in their back-stairwell argument.  Phaedra snickers and mutters something to Frack about how Kenya didn’t even have the decency to get a hotel room to smash with her psychotic show boyfriend.  Really Counselor Parks?  You were responding to booty calls from a felon on an air-mattress.  You have no room in your Spanx to talk.

This segues into the revelation of the abuse SBS endured at the hands of her ex, Crazy-Eye sweaty Bob, and the de-kindling of their relationship.  SBS reveals that she had never told anyone about the abuse, not even her own mother or her children.  Cynthia and her hair deliver a pep talk, “you don’t have to be superwoman and carry all this weight!”  SBS can finally release all the pain she’s been carrying and help other women in the process.  Hmm…I smell a new cause!  In all seriousness, this was a very somber part of the show.

SBS Sad

Alternative Phacts – Phaedra is on the hot-seat and all we get here is more proof that she and her timelines are sketch as f*ck.  She waffles around about whether or not her divorce is final and insists she didn’t tell the other women about her divorce or that her middle name is “Creonta” because these hags are not her friends.  She reveals she paid Apollo $100K as their settlement dictated and she alludes that OHAC hooked her up with Shemar Moore and they may, or may not be seeing each other on an air mattress in the off-hours of the night.

OHAC confronts Phaedra about her notoriously hazy timelines and Phaedra produces her divorce decree, which she had hiding under her hot couch cushion this entire session.

Phaedra evidence

The dates, name spellings, appeals, and contestations still render this evidence inadmissible in reunion court.  Beyotch be chock full o’ SHIT!

Phaedra Phacts

Kandi alleges that Phaedra keeps calling the city to throw monkey wrenches in the OLG opening schedule.  There isn’t enough tittay tape in all of the ATL to piece this friendship back together.

Phaedra and Kenya get into it, then Phaedra delivers the goofiest read ever, “Nobody wants you.  You’re like an old condo they converted into a town home.”  Given my line of work, this makes me chuckle.  She meant to say “you’re like an old apartment converted into a condo.”  Idiots everywhere purchase converted properties, but I digress!

The Real Kids of ATL – We take a quick peek down memory lane and review all the amazing children and their growth process.  We also get to judge how the housewife hair has evolved, or in some cases, devolved.  Takeaways – Noelle reads Cynthia a lot, Riley is about as enthusiastic as I am when I go for my annual pap smear, Kairo still hasn’t gotten his Cargo backpack, and Ayden still deserves his own show.

Next week, Crazy-Eyed Bob joins the group.  He is sporting an overgrown beard and he is either sweating profusely all the way through the beard, or he has fallen face first into an open vat of Jheri Curl.  There is a Papa Smurf walk off and we finally confronting the malicious rumors about Kandi.

The Warm Up – Reunion Part Un

Preparation is Everything – We start out with the “8 hours earlier” montage of all the women performing their pre-reunion rituals and then strapping themselves into the hair and makeup chairs.  After a full working day later, they are cinched, taped, makeup caked, and ready to take several seats at the insufferable semi-circle of the damned.  The outfits this year don’t seem too conducive to hurling insults across the Pier One coffee table.  They really should be sporting leggings as pants.

Leggings pants

Reinforce your weaves, let’s dive into the low-lights:

Tittay Talk – the ladies spent some time at the spa this season and the girls are literally and figuratively on display tonight!  Kandi reveals that she decided to have a boob job after they finished filming.  Phaedra has an unhealthy obsession with camel-toe, but she feels this is perfectly normal because Amazon sells prosthetic camel toe.  Just because it’s for sale guuuurrrrl, doesn’t make it right.  Case in point:

Man bun

OHAC asks Cynthia if Papa Smurf met Cynthia’s rejuvenated va-jay-jay, but she denies.  They came close, but no cigar in the hot dog bun vagina.

Minding Your Manor – we revisit the battle of Moore Manor vs. Chateau Shereé.  Nothing really new to be seen here, except we learn that Kenya had some intruders at Moore Manor and ran them off with her trusty hand gun.  OHAC polls the ladies on who owns a gun, they all raise their hands except Cynthia.  SBS just got her permit.  Hang on to your wigs and Spanx ladies and gents.  These crazy beyotches be ARMED!  I can hear Phaedra now, “but officer, this is my medicinal sawed off shotgun.”

SBS clears up the misconception that she isn’t living in the Chateau, but Kenya says she drives by, en route to her daily deeds of doom and destruction, and she never sees lights on.  Well duh, a home with no appliances needs no electricity!  Although she would need the air compressor for her mattress…hmm.  Anyhoo – Kenya admits she went into the basement at Chateau Shereé at prompting by producers to be purposefully shady.  The arguing ensues and SBS reveals that Kenya didn’t provide a port-a-potty for her contractors and they had to poo and pee in the gully.  Explains the foul odor about a quarter-mile circumference around Moore Manor.  SBS tops it off with some “true tea” about Kenya having a rich African married man giving her money for the down payment on Moore Manor.  Kenya stands firm, she is self-made and pays her own way 100%, via her earnings from the “Dubai Date Book”?  How do we get in on this Dubai Date Book, can we order from Amazon alongside our prosthetic camel toes and synthetic man buns?  Asking for a friend…

Frienemies – Phaedra let Kenya back in her life a pinch and suffered the dire consequence, as predicted.  Phaedra brings up text-gate 2002, while SBS settles up all the bets on when exactly Kenya/Phaedra friendship would free fall into a fiery abyss.

Cynthia weighed in and didn’t really like Kenya’s divorce party either, but she didn’t feel it warranted Phaedra’s, I’m sick and in desperate need of ginger-ale, and while I’m at it I’ll bring up some old wound I said I forgave, but not really, OMG you triflin’ beyotch textin’ my huzzzband who has now been in jail for two years and whom I am divorcing, and who is now engaged to his prison-pen-pal-in-a-box, OH LORT why do I care anymore, I just don’t know, I just need this dayum Bravo paycheck, over the top reaction.  Kenya claims Phaedra is living two lives, Southern Belle public face and Freak HO on da’ streets.  Bottom line, Phaedra has turned into an asshole of epic proportions and she needs to be canned.  Although, Ayden should have his own show where he just says things at random for 22 minutes.

Anger Mis-Management – Porsha addresses her tremendous progress, while SBS and Phaedra steady her to prevent a Defcon 4 melt-down.  Now that Porsha is an expert in how to emote and not get arrested, she hints that Kandi has her own anger management issues and could benefit from some therapy.  As Porsha lectures, Kandi cracks up in her face.  Guuuuurrrrl, when you gonna learn?  Kandi is fresh outta f*cks to give.  She doesn’t need the Bravo paycheck or your triflin’ ass telling her she’s a rageaholic.  There’s some more caterwauling between the two, but I’ve grown tired and disinterested.

Dieter tiresome

Since this is just part one of 987, I’m gonna save up my energy for when we get to the uncontrollable sobbing and storm offs.  See ya’ next week!

Drop the Mic

It’s the conclusion of the RHNJ reunion and I don’t know about y’all, but this season has left me exhausted and bereft.  If one thing is clear, Tre does not have a solid command of the English language, she can’t even do “air quotes” correctly, and Jacs is a lamb in a wolf’s discounted clothing!  Let’s round up the low-lights and move on with our lives, shall we?

  1. Who called the IRS?

Tre backpedals a bit on her assertion that Jacs had the FEDs on speed dial and, hold the mortadella… Chris Laurita has emerged from the snack table to set the record straight!  Apparently, Juicy Joe had some bidness deal gone bad with someone who threatened to turn him in.  Chris happened to know this person and attempted to facilitate some sort of “meeting of the mind” to hash it out, but Juicy Joe blew it off in favor of burying his face in a bottle of vino.  So in Tre’s mind, guilt by association I guess!  Baaaaasiiidzzz….it doesn’t really maaaater nowwwuh…Tre had a great time at camp, no lady pond action, but she found her Zen and received plenty of PG-13 rated massages!  With Juicy Joe now inhabiting the slammer, he has lost 35 pounds is on the verge of an astounding six-pack.  See people…THE PRISON DIET WORKS!  I can see Tre and Juicy now – starring in a 3 a.m. infomercial.

  1. Deportation Station?

OHAC asks Tre about the possibility of Joe being deported.  Tre can’t discuss because it’s a legal matter and she doesn’t want to cry off her false eyelashes.  OHAC comments “you don’t want to give it life”.  Oh Andy you hard-hitting broadcaster…you crystallized her thoughts eloquently!  Tre repeats what he just said and Andy praises her – yes folks, praises her for stating the Response.  He.  Just.  Fed.  Her.  Like.  Cured.  Salty.  Meat.

tre-hands-up

  1. Dolores Cantina – Long Overdue Voice of Reason

I think viewers will agree that Dolores is a welcome addition to this three-ring shit-show and has emerged as a healthy dose of much needed sanity.  She had a few notable quotables this round:

  • “Emotions do not travel in rational channels.” I think she should get that as a tramp stamp.
  • “If you need security and you need to remove the knives from the table, there shouldn’t be a lunch.”
  • Can Tre and Jacs ever be friends again, Dolores? “They would both need a lobotomy.”  I think they should have a lobotomy, regardless…jus’ sayin’!

mic-drop

  1. Do We Even Care Anymore?

We have a flashback of Tre and Jacs’ friendship over the seasons… from young, fresh-faced mothers of toddlers to the haggard, surgically-altered, venom spewing frenemies of tweens.  Face it ladies, you had a good run, but it’s ova!  What’s the ol’ cliché?  Some people come into our lives for a reason, a season, to commit treason, or to be cool for a while and then go batshit?  Jacs is at a turning point and must accept the fact that even the best of friends sometimes outgrow each other.  On the elevator of life, sometimes you have to stop and let a few people off on your way to the top.  Or let a few jump ship while plummeting 60 floors to your untimely death, whichever comes first.

footprints

Jacs – you have found your new station in life – Andy’s beyotch:

jacs-shoe-tie

And with that, I drop my mic!

I Smell a Rat

They should’ve held this reunion at Rails, because I am sure it will be going off of them shortly.  The ladies are caterwauling like hyena’s in heat, so let’s round up the low-lights:

  1. Dolores gets her wings and a new BFF

Dolores has cut financial ties from her ex, Frank the tank, but some of the housewives would like to see them rekindle their romance.  Tre says “no way”, once the P has met another V, all bets are off!

Dolores and Siggy became fast friends, it turns out when Siggy donated her breast implants back to science, they were then implanted in Dolores’ ass.  They have finally found their way home!

We also learn that Siggy put herself through college by waiting tables at TGI Friday’s.  I bet she had a lotta “flair”!

flair

She bought herself a yellow Honda Prelude with a personalized license plate, SIGEE.  She put a slash with magic marker over the second E – SIGEÉ!  Now that’s resourcefulness!

OHAC asks Siggy, relationship expert, what she thinks of Milania’s constant bad behavior and sassing of her parents.  Siggy thinks it’s great, Milania is her spirit animal, “Milania is ME!”  I can see it now, I will be old and gray in the retirement home watching Milania’s show on Bravo!

  1. Tre made it back to the reunion couch

Tre and her hairline made it back to the reunion couch, when she thought last year would be her final sit down.  But you best believe she did not make her triumphant return in a damn Ford, ahem…would you?

In a WTMI moment, here is a li’l nugget, which elicited these faces:

faces

OHAC compliments Joe Gorga on being naked this season.  I am sure Andy grabbed some footage from the cutting room, sans the modesty box, and has it saved as a GIF on his iPhone.  We also learn that Joe Gorga lost his virginity at nine years old.  That’s right people, NINE!  Not even two hands worth of fingers.  And if that wasn’t dreadful enough, Tre walked in on this happening (she was 11), and continued to use the information to manipulate her brother into his early twenties.  This li’l reveal makes me want to hurl more than the presidential election results.

  1. Sprinkle Cookiegate

Jacs is being her usual drain on society and manages to route the discussion down the ancient path of strippergate and sprinkle cookie gate.  Tre clarifies that she did not in fact throw away Melissa’s sprinkle cookies, but another fambly member did the deed.  She covered for that fambly member because she felt bad for Melissa seeing as how she was pregnant with raging hormones and must have been completely out of her mind when she purchased them.  I’m still not entirely clear on what is wrong with sprinkle cookies!  Jacs somehow inserts herself back into the story and it leads to the resuscitation of strippergate.  Tre blames Jacs for strippergate and believes it is the sole reason Jacs didn’t show up to the reunion in 2011.  Jacs clarifies that she did not attend the reunion because her son was regressing and she felt the environment was too toxic.  As opposed to…being on the show the rest of the season?  Jacs really annoys me and I am not sure what she’s doing on this show anymore other than scrapping for a Bravo paycheck.

jacs-coocoo

  1. Cheatergate

Accusations start flying about Chris cheating on Jacs, Joe cheating on Tre, they start calling each other liars and then Tre drops the ultimate bomb of destruction, which Bravo has promo’ed all week “YOU SET ME UP!”  Tre believes Jacs and Caroline had the IRS on speed dial and were the informants responsible for her demise.  Jacs is completely stunned, and rightfully so.  Melissa defers to Siggy the relationship expert, but her expert opinion falls on deaf ears, and ugh that hairline.

Next week – a shocking conclusion.  Thank goodnes, that means it’s only two parts!

Chocolate Bunnies

Well this week, we received an Easter basket full of chocolate bunnies gone HAM!  We received some ghastly penis based insults, a reflective wig tuggin’ trip down memory lane, and the cherry on our Sunday….prison masturbation.  Let’s jump right in with the low-lights:

  1. Overboard

Revisiting the shit show that was the boat outing where everyone was calling each other beyotches and ho’s, Cynthia and Porsha admit they were turnt up, meaning hammered on Hennessey and orange juice.  We revisit one of my favorite fisticuffs, She by Shereé’s infamous “wig tug”, which she claims was just a “shift”, a helpful “adjustment” if you will.  Whilst they are talking about Kim’s wig – meaning Kim Zolciak, Kim Fields is looking around as if she is lost in a corn maze.

Anyhoo…Cynthia and Porsha continue to diagram the altercation as if they are in advanced placement English, trying to diagram complex sentence structure.  Between the wrist grabbing, the acrylic nail finger pointing, the straddle, the gut kick, and the security tackle, they finally agree they were both at fault.  Although Porsha wants to point out that she suffered “contusions” all over her body.  She just wanted an excuse to use the $5.00 word she learned at the CVS Mini-Clinic.  Kenya brings up something about Porsha pulling a Naomi Campbell on her assistant and Porsha fights back by accusing Kenya of seeing a one-eyed African.  Is this “one-eyed African” the latest Urban Dictionary slang term for a penis or is this an actual African man wearing an eye patch?

  1. Mommy Dearest

We revisit the painful rejection Kenya faces at the hands of her biological mother and Porsha just doesn’t know when to shut up.  She has been trying to figure out why Kenya is such an asshole, and thinks the deadbeat mom is the reason.  No, she is just a plain ol’ garden variety asshole.  Kenya claims that lack of her mother’s love is not her problem, in fact she had such a wonderful upbringing with the love of a fantastic father!  Raise your hand if you are confused, hasn’t one of Kenya’s main storylines been mending her relationship with her father?  Phaedra looks about as bored as the corpses she embalms.  The prosecution rests, this oatmeal pie face is half-baked.

  1. Papa Smurf on the Prowl

We continue to beat the dead marriage horse and Papa Smurf joins the stage to somewhat defend his position, but not really.  He spends all of his time in Charlotte canoodling with his staff, but hey…he and Cynthia are great!  OHAC whips out his hard-hitting investigative journalism skills and notes that they sound, well “separated”.  Peter actually has the stones to compare himself to a soldier who leaves for duty and doesn’t see his wife and family for months.  As if being away while serving up mozzarella sticks in paper food boats and canoodling with underage bar patrons is somehow the same?  I think Peter is still smoking whatever he bought in Jamaica and was able to sneak through customs up his asshole.

Cynthia supports her ol’ crusty hubby by complimenting his cheating acumen, Peter would be more discreet if he was up to no good.  Porsha keeps pushing after Peter and advises Cynthia that Peter pays his waitresses pennies, er uh… penises, you know…Dick Dollars!  Somehow Kenya gets involved and she and Porsha go at it.  They hurl tasteless insults at each other, something about lying on your back to make a small piece of change.  Porsha says something about a “dry piece instead of wet piece in that ditch”, I have no idea what the hell she means, but it Sounds.  Just.  Gross.  Kenya tells her to shut her mouth “if there’s not a dick in it, you don’t know what you’re saying.”  Porsha snaps back with a really distasteful “What about that dick you tuck every day before you come to work, beyotch!”  Peter exits stage left and makes room for Ayden, which is such an appropriate follow up to that sacrilege!

Stupid mouth

Ayden helps Andy host the show for a minute by asking questions which OHAC whispers in his ear, but then suddenly…out of the mouths of babes…he asks his mama “why are you here and when are you coming home?”  Mama has to make a buck, chile…as OHAC sends him off to raid craft services.

Ayden OHAC

  1. Phaedra Gets Her Groove Back (Chile…she never lost it!)

The next low-light focuses on Phaedra and she is pressing on with her divorce and she will complete her Match.com profile when the paperwork is final.  As a sidebar:  I notice that the set is decorated entirely with all of the items featured in the annual Pier One “teal” catalog.  You know the one…

Anyhoo… Phaedra is on the fence about taking the boys back to visit Apollo in the clink, she said there were inappropriate things going on in the back row, and of course OHAC asks the question we all had on our minds, “like what?!?!”  After the Bravo Intern wiped the drool from his chin with a Jimmy John’s napkin, Phaedra answers the question “someone had their hands in someone else’s pants…ahem…masturbation.”  Isn’t that technically a “hand job”, or in Phaedra speak “digital stimulation”.

Either way, it’s gross and not something Ayden needs to learn.  We need to keep that kid cute and innocent as long as possible!

  1. Party Crashers

The final low-light we will cover is the discussion of Tammy’s nephew…Glen, who Kenya invited to the Miami party house.  Phaedra pretty much called it here by pointing out what we all know, Kenya wanted him around, but when he rebuffed her poor excuse for flirtation, she wanted him out.  Kenya denies, accuses Phaedra of always trying to paint her as a “wanton hussy”.  The ladies don’t disagree that Glen was acting crazier than a bed bug and should have been asked to leave, but Kenya kept pushing the issue, poking the hornet’s nest as Kim called it.  Kenya is always so quick to call security at the sight of an errant coochie crack, but in Miami Kenya kept pushing Glen for a reaction while security was already handling it.

Kandi, of all people, starts defending Kenya because “at the end of the day”, it was Glen who was acting crazy right out of the gate, throwing gang signs at a pregnant woman.  Sigh…at the end of the day…I think Kandi needs a break to hit the dressing room and use her breast pump.

Kandi - defending

Next week Nene makes an appearance in a nude illusion, jewel encrusted, cat suit (someone please show this woman a mirror!)  The house-hubbies hit the couch and Kim Fields shouts “PLAY.  THE.  EFFING.  TAPE.  BACK!”  The supersized part three will be worth it just to see Kim come about as unglued as her wiglette.

Better From the Tap

It’s reunion time, finally!  After a long, arduous, season about…well much ado about nothing…we have reached part one of the pinnacle.  As you may know, dear reader, I am not going to detail blow-by-blow of the reunion, for fear that my nerves will collapse and your head will explode.  Let’s hit the low-lights of part 1 of 187:

  1. Baby Talk – OHAC stars by asking Kenya if the pregnancy rumors are true, and we don’t mean her new pups King and Twirl…he means Kenya…and of course she will not confirm or deny the rumor. If Kenya is with child, we are going to need Phaedra to get Jesus on speed dial, and even he may not be able to fix it.  Somewhere in the ATL, Matt is googling “how to get into the witness protection program”.

We learn that Lauren has given birth, making Porsha a proud aunt.  Kandi is looking rather fantastic after delivering Baby Ace.  Reflecting on Kandi and Todd’s pregnancy journey, Kenya attempts to knock them down by chastising Todd for taking a bidness call during the early sonogram.  Kandi defends her man, she ain’t trippin’ and isn’t one to pass up a check.

We are treated to some unseen footage of Todd tasking the breast milk out of a bottle, and OHAC lets his freak flag fly as he exclaims…“It’s better from the tap!”  [insert sound of needle scratching off record here].  Annnnnd…How.  Exactly.  The.  F*ck.  Do.  You.  Know.  This?  Somewhere in St. Louis, Evelyn Cohen has died from embarrassment.

How do you know this

  1. Shady Bunch – There was a lot of shade thrown this season and the award for best shade goes to none other than Shaedra Parks. We are treated to a montage of shade thrown, and Phaedra’s impersonation of Kenya is first rate.  Just getting to revisit this clip of Phaedra twirling like a dervish in her 4th of July outfit is giving me new life.
  1. Frienemies? – Where are Phaedra and Kandi with their on-again off-again romance? Phaedra sent flowers when Baby Ace was born and she brought Kandi some chicken fingers, but forgot the honey mustard.  READ:  UNFORGIVABLE!  Kandi was offended by the attacks on Todd, but Phaedra was a little miffed about her soon to be incarcerated husband’s hidden assets in their garage.  Cynthia takes her moment to get some screen time and explained that she thought Phaedra knew Apollo was keeping stuff at her and Kandi’s homes…annnnd this is the only thing Cynthia has to say all night.  She must be conserving energy for when Papa Smurf joins her because previews indicate she will need to defend her janky marriage.

There was another matter of the money Phaedra owed Todd for her workout video, OHAC points out that Phaedra wouldn’t lift a finger for She by Shereé’s divorce proceedings until she had that full retainer in her hand, cash and/or money order.  Phaedra goes on to say that she received a shoddy final product from Todd, thus requiring extensive editing.  Blah, blah, blah…translation = the video will not even be going straight to DVD.

  1. Tootie Your Own Horn – Kim Fields needs an extra semester at the Skewl of Read, but she is learning to stand up for herself and finally participates in a bit of confrontation now that she is securely on the reunion couch, at least 15 feet away from “Oatmeal Pie Face” [READ: Shaedra to Kenya].

Oatmeal

Kim showed composure and class when she complimented Kenya on her comedic talents demonstrated in the “Life Twirls On” pilot, however it went south quickly after Kim  got to know Kenya and deemed her unworkwithable.

Kenya thinks she and Kim have comparable careers, but OHAC points out that Kim has been a star since she was a child and well into the ‘90’s, whereas Kenya was merely a Miss “whoesseh?” in 1990.  READ!

Who SA

Kenya claims that Kim is on her stage right now, of which Kenya is the star and Kim is low man on the totem pole.  Kim is looking around confused, she has zero f*cks left to give, because she is due at DWTS for a costume fitting in an hour.  Kenya criticized Kim for speaking about herself in third person, which is freaking laughable coming out of that cauldron of oatmeal pie face.  Talking about herself is about the only skill Kenya has, oh and interrupting and talking over others.  Kenya keeps interrupting and since she is no longer allowed to bring props, she starts clapping her hands at Kim like a rabies infected baby seal.  Kim is temporarily possessed and points her warning finger at Kenya, and with an “I freaking dare you” tone, says “say something!”

SaySomethin

What Kenya doesn’t realize is that Kim is a committed mom prepared for any situation, she has Ziploc bags full o’ cheddar goldfish under her couch cushion, she is wearing leggings as pants underneath her gown, and she is ready to spring into action and kangaroo kick Kenya in her oatmeal pie face.

Whew…glad that’s over!  Kudos to Kim for finally “bossin’ up”!  Next time, the hubbies join the stage for more drama.

Issues and Tissues

The hot mess express has reached its final destination on the underground railroad…finally!  Let’s round up the low lights:

  1. The Rotten Peach

Lupeter is salivating into his wife’s wig, waiting to address the cheating rumors that Phaedra was throwing around like cheap pocketbooks.  He notes that if he were to cheat, he would go big or go home and hook up with J-Lo or Beyoncé.  So not only is Papa Smurf annoying, he is delusional.  Lupeter goes over his lifetime information sharing limits when he tells us he would rather jerk off than get with one of his Bar None waitresses.

Peter-saying

  1. Half-Assed, Half-Breed Apologies

Kandi and Todd update us on their flourishing marriage, they are working on a baby and Kandi is undergoing fertility treatments that have fattened her up and have caused her boobs to grow larger than Nene’s swollen ego.  Todd speaks out about the half-assed apology Mama Joyce gave on camera, but Kandi wanted to make yet another excuse for her mother’s appalling behavior.  That half-assed apology given on camera was done when Todd’s mother was still alive, as if that makes it acceptable.  Only after Todd’s mother passed way, did he get a three quarters-assed apology.  Gregg Leakes spoke at Sharon’s funeral and wanted to go on record that Nene tried everything she could to get out of Broadway to be at the funeral.  Phaedra couldn’t make it either, but she assisted with making the proper arrangements complete with bedazzled prayer cloths.

Later, we reflect back on Nene’s malevolent alter ego…NayNay, making an appearance in Puerto Rico and she gets some heat for calling Claw-dia “half breed”.  Nene can’t bring herself to offer an apology to Claw-dia, but she gives her patented dead-in-the-eyes apology to all the viewers she has offended.

  1. Deep thoughts with Gregg Leakes

“Faults are like headlights on a car, you can only see the other persons.”  Can someone put his shock collar on him and throw him behind his electric fence?  He has clearly been sitting behind Nene too long, inhaling her wig glue fumes.

  1. End of the Road Friendship Contract

We once again belabor the point that Nene and Cynthia are dunzo.  Cynthia feels the incessant need to rehash their fall out, blow by blow, so that she never has to repeat it again.  Here’s a brief synopsis:  Lupita beyotch, Cynthia should be fired, food off my table, I’m wrong, you’re right, burn baby burn.

  1. Freindtervention

Dr. Jeff joins the group and Nene confronts him about how the therapy sesh was poorly handled.  Then, like a one legged rickshaw driver, Nene completely breaks down.

Nene-Breakdown

She refuses to talk, and the group must have a rehearsal because they are all in on the fact that Nene didn’t have a relationship with her mother and this is why she has to be carried off the stage.  As she is walking out, everyone gathers around her except for Kandi and Claw-dia, who are taking the opportunity to adjust their Spanx and check their texteses.

Nene-Walk off

Dr. Jeff and OHAC get the backstory from Gregg and it turns out that Nene’s mother had five children and couldn’t handle them all so she sent Nene and her brother away to be raised by their aunt.  This abandonment issue has plagued Nene for years and she never understood why she was sent away.  Cynthia whisks Nene into the ladies room for a makeup re-touch and Dr. Jeff and OHAC declare this as a “Breakthrough!”  It’s a Christmas miracle!  Cynthia teeters on her 8” heels back to the stage to update the rest of the group, who incidentally, don’t give three hot, wet farts.

The dramatic music is cued as Nene returns to her perch.  Cynthia gives her a pep talk, telling her how great she is and how she has it all, reverting back to the Cynthia that lives up Nene’s ass.  Claw-dia, realizing she hasn’t said two lines during the last two parts of the reunion, gives her own version of a pep talk and declares that they should not be fighting, but connecting on this common ground.  Dr. Jeff rounds it out by saying that we all have a story and if you don’t talk about your story, it will continue to contaminate all of your relationships.  Nene just can’t help herself…despite her total mental breakdown, she collects herself long enough to beat a dead horse.  She asks Dr. Jeff if he would have handled the counseling sesh the same way.  He placates her by saying that since he now knows what her needs are, he would adjust accordingly.  So basically, now that he knows she’s a raging drama queen on stilts, he would gladly stroke her ego for $175 per hour.  With that, OHAC sends him off in a pneumatic air tube back to shrink-land.

  1. Last Ditch Efforts

As this 90 minute torture sesh winds down, Cynthia decides to apologize to Phaedra for the pain she caused, given that Phaedra had her roughest season ever.  Thank God for caffeine enemas to pull a gal through!  Phaedra notes that she is still dealing with a lot of crap, but “I walk in gratitude because pressure builds diamonds.”  Sounds like someone has found their opening tag line for next season!

Claw-dia feels she has grown and will be creating a vision board with an illustration of herself, clinging her peach tightly in her falcon toes.  Kenya has learned understanding, forgiveness, and never to say never.  Porsha feels everyone has had a breakthrough, including her…breaking through her clothing she purchased from the Forever 21 clearance bin.  Kandi equates life to a roller coaster with ups and downs and she looks forward to the future.  Nene admits she did not see her breakdown coming and appreciated the support when she returned to the stage.  Until she is talking shit about everyone the minute she gets off the stage.

Talk-n-Shout

Welcome back to the set decorated entirely from the clearance bin at Pier One!  A lot of talk during round two, and no action.  Let’s round up the low lights:

  1. Charitable Donations

Kenya takes Nene to task for not writing a check for charity and calls her “rotten to your core.”  Nene claims that if she is going to make a charitable donation, she doesn’t feel the need to announce it, and she’ll do it when she is dayum ready…mmmmkay!  She neglects to add that her “Celebrity Apprentice” check went toward her new Petco teeth.

  1. Cynthia 2.0

Cynthia 2.0. has found a new clique, a clique that kicks Phaedra while she is down.  Cynthia claims that when she presented the rumor about Phaedra’s affair with Mr. Chocolate, she was presenting her the opportunity to “shut it down and keep it movin’.”  Phaedra is clearly pissed and there’s a lotta talking over each other.  Cynthia winds the round by telling Ms. Parks to “win a case”.  Cynthia has clearly forgotten Phaedra’s biggest win this season… Some Rando vs. Hairburglar, Derek J.  These ladies are gonna cause me to catch a case.

  1. Friends for Never

The Ace Boon Coons, Kandi and Phaedra, are still on the outs…the waaaaay outs.  We flash back to the clip where Phaedra actually got emotional over having a shortage of friends who give a crap about her and she learned that when her chips were down, it was Nene who was there to support her.  Kandi’s voice starts rattling and she explains that there were other things going on in her life besides the cancellation of her horrible musical, “A Mother’s Love”.  She too, had a fambly member going to prison, a crumbling marriage, and apparently she dropped her iPhone in the toilet and changed her number and never informed her BFFL.  Phaedra gives one of her patented “at the end of the day” speeches, but Kandi appears to be done with her.

Kandi-Upset

  1. Friend Swapping

No it’s not yet another new reality show, but the wives seemed to switch friends more often than they change their wig glue.  Cynthia has moved out of Nene’s ass and into Kenya’s genetically modified one.  Nene got tight with Phaedra and has “evolved from the Nene of yesteryear.”  Phaedra notes that she and Nene became close because of where they are both currently “seated in life”.  Yea, seated at the reunion from hell.

  1. Lupeter and the other Househusbands

No, Lupeter is not the latest winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race, but it’s a new nickname for our very own Papa Smurf, Peter Thomas.  Peter is still peach-less, but he ain’t speech-less.  He isn’t afraid to say whatever the F*CK he wants to say, even if it means getting into the women’s bidness and looking like a punk.  Speaking of looking like a punk, poor li’l Todd looks like he needs a booster seat, you can barely see him over the back of the couch.  Anyway, Lupeter reiterates… “I don’t give a F*CK!” and Cynthia shoots him the death glare and threatens to wash his mouth out with the dirty sink water from Bar One.  I guess Lupeter missed social poise day at the Bailey Agency for wayward models, where Cynthia sells “pipe dreams to little girls”.

  1. Sex, Lies, and Color Copies of Fabricated Texteses

Phaedra denies ever compromising her marriage for an unknown Mr. Chocolate and claims that she still loves Apollo.  She thinks Apollo doctored the texteses, but Todd pipes up and says “he came by with color copies.”  Phaedra addresses lunging at Kenya with her pocketbook over Brazilian meats and notes that she was at a breaking point.  Mainly due to the meat sweats, but earlier that day, Apollo had refused to turn himself in, Bunn ran up on her perfectly manicured lawn with his crotch rocket, and Apollo had run toward her with a drill.  And let’s not forget the bucket o’ hinges!  Kenya doesn’t buy the “breaking point” excuse for bad behavior, after all, a blind man could see that Phaedra had time to get to the Mexican spa for a boob job, despite spinning power drills and flying hinges.

Lupiter

  1. Everybody Flirts

After Phaedra continued to call Kenya a whore, Kenya starts yelling “Everybody flirts!” and then draws Nene in by saying she flirted with Lupeter.  Nene rears her Petco choppers back, Gregg secures her earrings, and Nene gives Kenya a very loud “HOLD UP!” accompanied by a waving acrylic fingernail of death.  Nene will not be disrespected, she is NOT PHAEDRA, as she throws her new BFFL under the prison bus carrying Apollo.  Gregg says he doesn’t care if Nene was flirting because “I won”, to which Kenya retorts “I’m glad you think you have a prize.”

Nene-Flirt

Next week part three where Nene breaks down talking about her mom.