Chocolate Bunnies

Well this week, we received an Easter basket full of chocolate bunnies gone HAM!  We received some ghastly penis based insults, a reflective wig tuggin’ trip down memory lane, and the cherry on our Sunday….prison masturbation.  Let’s jump right in with the low-lights:

  1. Overboard

Revisiting the shit show that was the boat outing where everyone was calling each other beyotches and ho’s, Cynthia and Porsha admit they were turnt up, meaning hammered on Hennessey and orange juice.  We revisit one of my favorite fisticuffs, She by Shereé’s infamous “wig tug”, which she claims was just a “shift”, a helpful “adjustment” if you will.  Whilst they are talking about Kim’s wig – meaning Kim Zolciak, Kim Fields is looking around as if she is lost in a corn maze.

Anyhoo…Cynthia and Porsha continue to diagram the altercation as if they are in advanced placement English, trying to diagram complex sentence structure.  Between the wrist grabbing, the acrylic nail finger pointing, the straddle, the gut kick, and the security tackle, they finally agree they were both at fault.  Although Porsha wants to point out that she suffered “contusions” all over her body.  She just wanted an excuse to use the $5.00 word she learned at the CVS Mini-Clinic.  Kenya brings up something about Porsha pulling a Naomi Campbell on her assistant and Porsha fights back by accusing Kenya of seeing a one-eyed African.  Is this “one-eyed African” the latest Urban Dictionary slang term for a penis or is this an actual African man wearing an eye patch?

  1. Mommy Dearest

We revisit the painful rejection Kenya faces at the hands of her biological mother and Porsha just doesn’t know when to shut up.  She has been trying to figure out why Kenya is such an asshole, and thinks the deadbeat mom is the reason.  No, she is just a plain ol’ garden variety asshole.  Kenya claims that lack of her mother’s love is not her problem, in fact she had such a wonderful upbringing with the love of a fantastic father!  Raise your hand if you are confused, hasn’t one of Kenya’s main storylines been mending her relationship with her father?  Phaedra looks about as bored as the corpses she embalms.  The prosecution rests, this oatmeal pie face is half-baked.

  1. Papa Smurf on the Prowl

We continue to beat the dead marriage horse and Papa Smurf joins the stage to somewhat defend his position, but not really.  He spends all of his time in Charlotte canoodling with his staff, but hey…he and Cynthia are great!  OHAC whips out his hard-hitting investigative journalism skills and notes that they sound, well “separated”.  Peter actually has the stones to compare himself to a soldier who leaves for duty and doesn’t see his wife and family for months.  As if being away while serving up mozzarella sticks in paper food boats and canoodling with underage bar patrons is somehow the same?  I think Peter is still smoking whatever he bought in Jamaica and was able to sneak through customs up his asshole.

Cynthia supports her ol’ crusty hubby by complimenting his cheating acumen, Peter would be more discreet if he was up to no good.  Porsha keeps pushing after Peter and advises Cynthia that Peter pays his waitresses pennies, er uh… penises, you know…Dick Dollars!  Somehow Kenya gets involved and she and Porsha go at it.  They hurl tasteless insults at each other, something about lying on your back to make a small piece of change.  Porsha says something about a “dry piece instead of wet piece in that ditch”, I have no idea what the hell she means, but it Sounds.  Just.  Gross.  Kenya tells her to shut her mouth “if there’s not a dick in it, you don’t know what you’re saying.”  Porsha snaps back with a really distasteful “What about that dick you tuck every day before you come to work, beyotch!”  Peter exits stage left and makes room for Ayden, which is such an appropriate follow up to that sacrilege!

Stupid mouth

Ayden helps Andy host the show for a minute by asking questions which OHAC whispers in his ear, but then suddenly…out of the mouths of babes…he asks his mama “why are you here and when are you coming home?”  Mama has to make a buck, chile…as OHAC sends him off to raid craft services.

Ayden OHAC

  1. Phaedra Gets Her Groove Back (Chile…she never lost it!)

The next low-light focuses on Phaedra and she is pressing on with her divorce and she will complete her Match.com profile when the paperwork is final.  As a sidebar:  I notice that the set is decorated entirely with all of the items featured in the annual Pier One “teal” catalog.  You know the one…

Anyhoo… Phaedra is on the fence about taking the boys back to visit Apollo in the clink, she said there were inappropriate things going on in the back row, and of course OHAC asks the question we all had on our minds, “like what?!?!”  After the Bravo Intern wiped the drool from his chin with a Jimmy John’s napkin, Phaedra answers the question “someone had their hands in someone else’s pants…ahem…masturbation.”  Isn’t that technically a “hand job”, or in Phaedra speak “digital stimulation”.

Either way, it’s gross and not something Ayden needs to learn.  We need to keep that kid cute and innocent as long as possible!

  1. Party Crashers

The final low-light we will cover is the discussion of Tammy’s nephew…Glen, who Kenya invited to the Miami party house.  Phaedra pretty much called it here by pointing out what we all know, Kenya wanted him around, but when he rebuffed her poor excuse for flirtation, she wanted him out.  Kenya denies, accuses Phaedra of always trying to paint her as a “wanton hussy”.  The ladies don’t disagree that Glen was acting crazier than a bed bug and should have been asked to leave, but Kenya kept pushing the issue, poking the hornet’s nest as Kim called it.  Kenya is always so quick to call security at the sight of an errant coochie crack, but in Miami Kenya kept pushing Glen for a reaction while security was already handling it.

Kandi, of all people, starts defending Kenya because “at the end of the day”, it was Glen who was acting crazy right out of the gate, throwing gang signs at a pregnant woman.  Sigh…at the end of the day…I think Kandi needs a break to hit the dressing room and use her breast pump.

Kandi - defending

Next week Nene makes an appearance in a nude illusion, jewel encrusted, cat suit (someone please show this woman a mirror!)  The house-hubbies hit the couch and Kim Fields shouts “PLAY.  THE.  EFFING.  TAPE.  BACK!”  The supersized part three will be worth it just to see Kim come about as unglued as her wiglette.

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50 Shades of Mama Drama

The first shade of mama drama this week revolves around Kandi, her impending son, and her own Mama Joyce.  Sidebar:  Kandi’s son, Ace, has arrived into this world!  Let’s hope he and Ayden become BFF’s and rule the ATL!  Snoopy snow cones and bowties for everyone!

Anyway…Kandi and Mama go crib shopping and all we learn here is that Mama intends on having her own crib so she can monopolize the baby, but Kandi is more focused on the crib style over function because she plans to give the baby’s room a complete re-decorate every six months.  Kandi slips and lets Mama know about her fallout with Counselor Parks, and Mama Joyce revs up her Wal-Mart Wedgie of Death swingin’ arm and plans to pay Phaedra a visit.  With Kandi being “high-risk”, she and her Wal-Mart Wedgie will take matters into their own hands.  Kandi gives Mama the stink eye and a hard “NO”, but Mama DGAF (doesn’t give a f*ck) and is already in an Uber on her way to the Counselor’s office.

Mama Joyce arrives and we are treated to a flashback of Mama’s last visit to the Counselor’s office where she admonished Phaedra for introducing “two short people with big heads”.  Phaedra gives her a wary welcome because she knows Mama Joyce ain’t droppin’ by for tea and crumpets.

Phaedra - Wary

They discuss the fallout, and Mama drops subtle hints that she just might thunder punch Phaedra in the face, “I don’t want Kandi to have any problems, I would never want anyone to do anything to hurt her, or to cause her to be upset in any way, because you know Mama Bear…you know me.”  Phaedra whips out a Phunerals by Phaedra Prayer Cloth, blots her brow, and assures Mama that she and Kandi have taken counsel from Life Coach, Matt Foley and they are back on the right track.

Back on Track

Mama disguises her death-wish visit by asking Phaedra to assist in planning a baby shower for Kandi.  Lawd Jezzuz…it’s a fire!  Phaedra loves an element of surprise with any party she plans and they brainstorm a few ideas and come up with “Coming to Atlanta”, which will incorporate lions, tigers, bears, wild wildebeests in pillowcases, and hopefully a sighting of Dwight’s party plannin’ nose!

Later, Phaedra stops by Todd’s office to check on progress of the pregnancy work out video she never plans to release.  She is not pleased with the quality of said never to be released video, but she is more than pleased to whip out her arsenal of insults.  She keeps jabbing at Todd about how his jobs are dried up and he needs the money, so she will cough up the $8K.  Phaedra ain’t sweatin’ it, she has JOBZZZZZ.  This is all being nicely established for reunion fodder, after Kandi sees the things Phaedra said about her huzzzband, I am sure she will show up with props in the form of her own Wal-Mart Wedgie of Death.

Phaedra clues Todd in on the big baby shower plan and asks Todd if he plans to be in the delivery room.  Phaedra revolts him by reenacting every gut wrenching, flesh shredding, intestine twisting detail of her own c-section.  I surmise this is just to continue to make Todd look like a miniature dolt who DGAF about the baby.

In other inappropriate Mama Drama, Papa Smurf has a mystery date planned for his bride and Cynthia has her daughter, Noelle, helping her pack for the trip.  Call me kooky, but I don’t think it’s appropriate for Cynthia to ask her daughter for packing advice for her makeup-sex romp in Mexico with Papa Smurf.  Umm…EW!  Let alone asking Noelle what she thinks about her giving Peter another chance.  The two discuss their relationship philosophies and Noelle reveals she is “one and done” typa gal, piss her off and she’s done…Adios…in an Uber to the nearest Sports One to get fondled by the staff.  Umm…EW!  Cynthia gives her some lecture about commitment, this from the woman who thinks divorce is an option.  Blah, blah, blah…Papa Smurf and Cynthia are off to Mexico, sans cameras.  Which is really a win-win – they get some privacy and we don’t have to look at them acting gross this week.

In the “not yet a Mama Drama” portion of our show, Porsha is “sexercising” with her trainer “DP”, Umm, EW, and Lauren arrives at Porsha’s request.  Porsha pulls her aside for a stability ball summit to discuss the fact that Lauren is slacking on her personal assistant duties and missed a delivery of some of Porsha’s janky lingerie, which cost Porsha Enterprises $4.00.  Lauren, whom I have lovingly dubbed “bitch ain’t havin’ it”, throws down a masterful counterstrike;  a) she’s pregnant, b) who else is going to put up with Porsha’s bullshit, not steal her money, and agree to fly coach? and c) who in their right mind is going to delouse Porsha’s wigs?  Porsha is a bit dumbfounded and mumbles something about beating around mulberry bushes, but the two appear to be at stability ball impasse.

Stability Ball Summit

Later, over grocery store flowers and a Costco apple and caramel dip tray, Porsha offers a half-corn-fed ass apology.  Turns out that our trusty Counselor Parks talked some sense into Porsha, “jobs come, jobs go, but sisters are 4-EVA!”  Lauren admits she was hesitant to tell Porsha about her pregnancy for fear that her loving sissy would “feel some typa way” about it.  “Typa way” meaning Justin Bieber jealous, Oprah Winfrey childless, and third shift hooker continually being stood up on Skype, typa way.  Porsha assures Lauren that she is all good in the hood as she begins pummeling her face with apple slices and ladling gobs of caramel dip down her gullet, in an extreme eating challenge typa way.

Kenya’s ongoing Mama Drama continues as she is planning a family reunion in Detroit.  This is all a bit heavy, but we get a humorous part here where Brandon gives Kenya shit about dating losers and he does an impression of Walter the tow truck drivin’ flake.  Kenya is able to laugh about it, and I am dejected because I had finally eliminated that tired story line from my psyche.  Kenya takes her entourage, which includes her father, nephew, and step-mother on a tour of Detroit in a space bus.  Oh, whadda ya’ know, they are right in front of Kenya’s deadbeat mom’s home!  Her dad wants her to let it go and reveals that Kenya’s mother, Patricia, abandoned her because her own father didn’t want his child having illegitimate children.  Ronald and Patricia were only 16 and unwed when she got pregnant and she had to pretend Kenya was not her child.  In light of this, I would venture to say that Patricia is probably in a great deal of pain over this as well.  However, our dogged li’l Kenya has the white-hot determination of a 1,000 suns.  She takes her earrings off and heads off to beat down deadbeat mom’s door.  As Kenya goes to the door, we see that Bravo has put a modesty patch around the whole house to protect Patricia’s identity. Kenya knocks and demand Patricia open up, but she only hears the sound of 18 door locks engaging.  Brandon watches from the window of the space bus, salivating with anticipation, but of course, deadbeat mom never answers the door.

Party Bus - deadbeat mom

The next day is the family reunion and it seems that Kenya has plenty of family to go around on her father’s side.  She has left Patricia in the past, no matter how heartbreaking.  What reunion wouldn’t be complete without custom tee-shirts printed for everyone that read “Kenya’s Family Reunion!”  Oh Miss USA, you are so cheeky in your self-absorption!   Kenya learns that Aunt Lori has hopped in an Uber and split after 10 minutes because Aunt Lori is upset that Kenya attempted to make contact with Patricia (Aunt Lori’s deadbeat sister).  So, I presume we can look forward to a confrontation scene next week between Kenya and Lori.

Next week, the Million Man March, annnnd as I suspected, a Lori/Kenya stability ball showdown, and Nene returns…BLOOP!