Tongue Lashing

It’s the last day of Glamping and Kandi has arranged for she and Hazel to ghost the scene via Uber, she is all the way over it and won’t be setting foot on the party bus from hell.  The rest of the assholes pile on the flaming party bus of horror, everyone appears hung over as hell from a combination of Hennessey, emotions, and burnt marshmallows.  Except SBS, who is as alert as a kitty cat and appears to have snuck in an extra bicep workout in the a.m.  Kenya starts the shit, asking Porsha how she feels after getting her head blown off the night before.  Porsha has owned up to throwing shade, even though it took her awhile to admit, but she laughs it off as if it was all in good fun, a prank if you will.  Sorry Porsha, a prank is putting Vaseline on someone’s phone earpiece, or taping down the handle to the spray attachment on the kitchen sink.  To make matters worse, Counselor Parks still claims ignorance, stating “I was not part of those conversations”.  SBS doles out a heavy dose of stink eye, this is far from over.

own-your-shit

Cynthia arrives home to the lake house and for some reason decides to inform her daughter, Noelle and her assistant, Vikhe about the lesbian gossip and that Cynthia may also be a lesbian according to her cohort’s definitions.  Cynthia admits to experimenting, which she defines as “kissed a girl, or if a girl has kissed you in places.”  The word “places” causes Noelle, (as well as myself), to shudder and Noelle is about to die of embarrassment and seeks solace in Vikhe’s bosom.  I hope that doesn’t make Noelle a lesbian!  OY VEY, these ladies are so stupid, inappropriate, and politically incorrect!

To further confirm that they are “strictly dickly”, Kenya invites Cynthia and Malorie to the medical spa to treat Cynthia to a vaginal rejuvenation.  Kenya runs down the benefits, not that she would know or need such a procedure.  Cynthia really needs a laser carrying the heat of 1,000 suns jammed up her hoo-ha, she will be tight and right and will acquire the ability to pop an orgasm while taking a small speed bump in her Land Rover.  Cynthia asks the good doctor about the side effects, which are “extra juices for a few days”.  Throw on a panty-liner and hang on to your wigs and keys – life as you know it is about to change!  They throw a fuzzy blanket from the Target Home collection over Cynthia’s knees and get to work.  Cynthia has visions of flowers and butterflies until the red-hot laser makes contact with her vaginal walls.  The smell of her burning innards permeates the room and they all want to vomit.

After Cynthia is on the mend from her vagina resurfacing, she sits down with her partner at the Bailey Agency Skewl of Fashion for Wayward Models to plan a fashion show debacle for her new Cargo line.  She is going out on a limb and inviting SBS to stop by and discuss the possible involvement of Kairo.  Before SBS arrives, Cynthia has just enough time to explain to her partner that SBS has some lofty expectations that must be crushed like a paper cup!

crush-you-paper-cup

SBS transforms into “Momager” mode with a dash of psycho as soon as her ass hits the vinyl seat.  She wants compensation and free product.  Cynthia informs her there is no paycheck and he will receive one backpack and the priceless exposure.  SBS pushes for two backpaks, but Cynthia ain’t budging.  Cargo is a small company and those Mexican sweatshop workers can only sew so fast.  SBS lays down further demands, Kairo can only work on weekends because he’s in school.  Cynthia has to restrain herself from laughing, imagining how far she would have gotten if she had gotten Calvin Klein or Ralph Lauren on the horn and told him she could only work at 2 p.m. on Tuesdays and Thursdays after her Chem Lab.  She urges Momager to allow Kairo to make the decision, but SBS emits a hearty chortle and says he will do what she tells him.

Across town, Kandi gathers her staff at the Kandi Factory and they sit in the obnoxiously oversized pleather chairs to hear the latest gossip Porsha is serving.  Kandi admits that on one drunken evening, Porsha kissed her and offered to perform an oral transaction to Kandi’s full 100% satisfaction.  Don Juan hurtles into outer space at hearing this news.  Clearly Porsha has graduated from wearing her water wings when it comes to the Lady Pond.  Kandi had kept the encounter between them on the DL for years, besides it was a fun night and they went to the Waffle House afterwards.  What could be better?!?!  Well, Porsha done f*cked up, now, the cat is outta the bag and Kandi won’t be holding back.

Later, there is a short bit where Kandi takes Riley to the studio to record a new song.  She wants Riley to pour her anger toward Block into a song and turn that pain into some serious coin.  Riley looks like she would rather have a back alley Brazilian wax than be at this studio.  Of course, Block never came through after his latest promises to visit with Riley, SHOCKING.  This song will not be a hit.  I repeat.  THIS IS NOT A HIT.  Sorry Riley, you can’t sing like your mama, stick to what you do best, sulking around like a moody pre-teen.  You’ll have plenty of time to mismanage your anger due to daddy issues when you reach your 40’s.

Counselor Parks arrives at her lawyer’s office and they show her getting out of her Mercedes and walking up to the office in slo-mo, ‘cuz everybody knows, Phaedra is a straight up G!  The lawyer informs her that the judge signed the order and the divorce is final!  Phaedra runs down her checklist of psychological damage control measures, which she must deploy tout de suit!  The lawyer then informs her that the court only served Apollo, they do not notify him of the outcome, so our good Counselor is tasked with delivering that fun li’l nugget of information.  Bring a power drill and a bucket o’ hinges for him and hopefully he will remain clam.  As Phaedra slips off her wedding ring and beats feet to “CASH 4 GOLD”, we are treated to a flashback of all the disgustingness that was Apollo.  Complete with the pickle photo shoot, sucking face like rabid otters in public, Apollo blatantly flirting with Kenya, and we cannot leave out the garage freak out of terror.  Have fun dropping dat bomb, Counselor Parks!  I sure hope commissary stocks popcorn in the vending machine on visiting day!

Later Phaedra drops by Porsha’s new multi-million-dollar home and she comes bearing Hennessey to see if Porsha will take a few shots and then offer up an oral transaction that would blow the Counselor’s mind.  They tour the house and oddly enough end up sitting on the bed discussing Phaedra’s divorce.  Phaedra delivered the news to Apollo and he wasn’t happy, but Phaedra doesn’t know what his fuss is about, seeing as how he has a prison pen-pal turned girlfriend, turned fiancé.  Yea, what could go wrong there?

Later, Porsha meets up with her pseudo-boyfriend, Todd, to determine if he is ready for a mature, adult relationship and some snuggie-wuggies and kissy-wissies.  Todd has brought her a diamond necklace, indicating he is fully aware that he is in the dawg house.  Porsha accepts the gift and then rips him a new asshole.  This is HER VISION, DAMN IT, and he had better follow the script to the letter or they are dunzo!  Todd hangs his head in shame and agrees to fill out an application at Domino’s so he can earn some walkin’ around money.

The final act is the Kandi vs. Porsha showdown, where Porsha’s plan of attack is to act like she threw Kandi under the lesbian bus because she was mad and didn’t think it would be repeated.  Jezzuz Porsha, have you seen this show?  In true Kandi fashion, she proceeds to call Porsha out, stating she is playing dumb and she is the one keeping her life activities as secret.  Kandi has always had her freak flag fully on display, if she was hookin’ up with women and had a sex dungeon she would make it know, because that would be FLY!

porsha-kandi-argue

Kandi admits to having some romps with women and one time Todd was involved, but it was only once.  There is no sex dungeon, just li’l Todd doing his best between taking care of Baby Ace and trying to get the OLG project off the ground.  Kandi then confronts Porsha about her proposition, “you tongued me down, bitch!”  Porsha brings up some woman she claims Kandi has had relations with for seven years and asserts that Kandi slept with several R&B groups to get to the top.  Kandi reveals that Porsha met Block because she was ho-in’ around with another rapper who knew Block and Porsha was a “pass around”.  The insults are flying around like ping pong balls, “I’m not into teacups, short and stout”, “Todd uses an Alias, Marvin, so he can cheat!”, “flip floppin’ women in yo’ bed like pancakes, You an International STANK HO!”

marvin

Porsha claims that she has the phone number of the woman claiming she had a seven-year relationship with Kandi and says she will text it to Kandi so she can deal with it.  Kandi can’t take anymore, so she walks out while Porsha mutters “toodles, bitch!”

Next time, preparations and a lot of waxing for the Bravo mandated trip to Maui.  Kandi and Porsha continue to fight, and what is Papa Smurf doing on this trip?  Does he want to try out Cynthia’s vaginal rejuvenation?

Pitchin’ and Bitchin’

The ladies are still on the party bus of doom, careening off the rails, straight to the campground of sweltering obliteration.  When they arrive, Phaedra announces she only planned for six rooms, so a few attendees with their un-invited plus ones will need to bunk up.  Marlo swiftly guarantees her single room status by announcing that she has horrific gastro-intestinitis, sphylkis of the ganectagazoink, which leaves everyone immediately revolted.

Luckily, Phaedra has planned the first night to be spent in the wild sleeping in tents, so Marlo’s gaseous emissions will be able to become one with the wind.  Before they head out to pitch tents for two hours, Marlo and SBS take a quick moment to caucus and decide that at some point SBS will bring up the latest gossip about Kandi dippin’ in the lady pond.  SBS is doing a public service, really… how can these “frienemies” bond when they can’t be honest with each other.  SBS, you are a Bravo producer’s dream.

The ladies re-board the party bus to hellfire and attempt to set up camp.  Everyone struggles with their tents, except Phaedra who decides to just camp out in her party print maxi-dress.  In the first low blow of the night, Kenya asks SBS for help with her air mattress since SBS has extensive expertise.  Let’s not leave out Phaedra, who used to kick it with Apollo on his air matters for their 2:00 a.m. booty courtship calls.

When they finally settle by the campfire, the focus is on Marlo – she has actually taken the time to bedazzle her can of “OFF” and her flashlight.  Phaedra asks Marlo what is on-trend besides bedazzled insect repellent cans and camel toe.  Marlo recommends lashes and suggests Kenya get better ones.  Lauren asks about this underlying rift between Marlo and Kenya and they hash it out over the non-invites to Kenya’s recent parties.  Giiirrrllll…you didn’t miss much!  Kenya has already apologized and isn’t going back down that bedazzled road.  Marlo takes another swing, calls Kenya miserable, her earrings and eyelashes a disaster, you can’t keep a broke man, and your own mother won’t even talk to you.  LOW.  EFFING.  BLOW.  EVEN.  FOR.  YOU.  MARLO.  YOU.  STANK.  ASS.  HO!  Although the other insults were on point.  Phaedra puts the kibosh on the trash talk and delivers an inspirational pep talk about how they should come together as sistas and not call each other prostitutes and ho’s.  Good call, Counselor!  Meanwhile, SBS is huddled up in her sleeping bag, bustin’ at the seams with her lesbian rumor agenda, just waiting for the prime moment to pounce.  She is a mess on wheels.

pitching-tents

The next day, they all sport their on-trend camel toe outfits to lunch and Kenya asks Phaedra how goes the divorce process.  Kandi points out that if one spouse goes to jail, she heard that the state would grant a divorce within 60 days….or some shit like dat.  Porsha comes to the defense of her bestie, stating that Apollo is the one holding up the show because he doesn’t want the divorce.  Let’s leave the legal stuff to Counselor Parks, shall we?  Anyhoo, Cynthia diffuses the tension by updating the crew on her divorce, which will be final very soon, but Papa Smurf wasn’t at the final signing.  Cynthia becomes emotional, she wanted that one last good bye with Papa, but I guess it hasn’t occurred to her that seeing her may be too painful for him considering she rebuffed his invitation to head back to his air mattress, while they said goodbye at Club One.  That was your big moment to get you some break-up sex, Cynthia!  Have these ho’s you are surrounded by taught you NOTHING?!?!?  The ladies rally around Cynthia, reaffirm that she is beautiful, smart, and successful, and will find a man to rise up to meet her standards.  Now there’s some real support!

They head out to meet a camp ground crew dude, who looks like he just rolled off of Willie Nelson’s tour bus.  He orders them into the kayaks and paddle boats, and gives them a good shove into the polluted cesspool they call a lake.  SBS freaks out as if someone set her weave and her favorite Fabletics leggings on fire, I haven’t heard SBS shriek like that since “who gon’ check me, boo?”

sheree-paddleboat

She cannot have non-chlorinated water near her vagina, and who knows what else lurks in those waters.  After the boating bust, the ladies are ordered to free fall into a fiery abyss from 100 feet up.  Most of the ladies participate and do so with grace and coolness, but leave it to Porsha to have a full-blown, hyperventilation, crying, laughing, freak out.  I mean, what’s the worst that could happen, you break a toe nail?

high-jump

The last 15 minutes of the show concludes with the death dinner of truth.  Kenya apologizes to Marlo once again, Marlo apologizes for the mother comment and they both accept, with a grain of salt.  The gang is barely past their opening cocktail and Marlo asks Kandi if she is a lesbian.  SBS and Porsha must have been attending discount acting classes in between Anger Management and working out, they both act totally shocked by this rumor.

marlo-asks-kandi

Kandi demands to know who said it and SBS won’t name names and gives everyone an opportunity to own up to it.  Phaedra is sucking back her wine as if it were black tar heroin.  SBS finally calls out Porsha, and then Porsha admits to insinuating Kandi was a lesbian, but chalks it up to a shady moment.  Production flashes back “Two Minutes Earlier”, to Porsha doing an impression of an unwise owl “WHO?  WHO? WHA? WHO SAID THAT?”  Comedy.  Gold.  Porsha tries to slide Phaedra into the mix with her Shamea comment, accompanied by international hand gesture for sexual intercourse, but it becomes a little glossed over with all the additional pandemonium and screeching.  Kandi clarifies that she is happy with her husband, she admits she has experimented, but she isn’t the only one who has dipped in the lady pond (Porsha this means you!)  It turns into a word-war between Kandi and Porsha about who did what, who knows what, who has been where, who tossed a salad, who performed a reach around, who fully immersed in the lady pond, and who’s full of shit.  In the end, Kandi thanks SBS for letting her know what was said behind her back, but this is not over.

kandi-confront-rumor

The groups retire to their respective rooms to hash through their own versions of what just went down.  Kandi gets line of the night, “when she [Porsha] gets drunk, she becomes an aggressive lesbian.”

We have a teaser for “this season” on RHATL, which shows some upcoming drama – a trip to Maui, SBS finally moving into Chateau by Sheree, Cynthia and Peter playing kissy face, Phaedra pulling some shadiness with her divorce, Porsha is pregnant, SBS and Bob falling back in love and then apart, Apollo is engaged, Kim “wigs’-n-cigs” Zolciak returns, and Kandi Vaseline’s her face up, ready to fight Porsha.

The Doctor is IN

Kenya and Phaedra are pretending to shop for glamping, as if they are going on a real trip where they will be “roughing it” and roasting marshmallows on sticks.  Meanwhile, the Bravo intern is hard at work constructing a “Survivor-style” set where they can pretend to sit around and argue to provide enough footage for the last 15 minutes of the next episode.  Phaedra calls Kenya out for throwing around her gasoline and matches at the anger mismanagement non-dinner and suggests she take it easy on ol’ Porsha, but the Glamping supply store is fresh out of their “Irrational Skank Compassion Kit.”  Phaedra gives her the “I’ll take that under advisement” side-eye as she pays for a collapsible poop shovel.

phaedra-side-eye

Porsha is contemplating going on the glamping trip from hell, but not without an anger mismanagement tune up.  The therapist checks in on homework assignments and Porsha admits she was tested.  Doc diagnoses her with a flimsy support system at best and encourages her to go on the trip, map out all the possible scenarios that could go down, and then plan her response to each scenario.  This sounds like an awful lotta paperwork to complete in order to go sit in the dirt and eat raw hot dogs.  If she weren’t contractually obligated to go, I would recommend she stay home and try out her DIY vagina resurfacing kit.

Cynthia stops by Moore Manor and offers her friendship-contract, relationship-counseling, wavering-mediator services to Kenya and Matt.  Kenya agrees that Cynthia should have a sit down with him and I am asking myself “why are we still entertaining this relationship?”  I thought we all agreed after he hulked out and effed up Moore Manor and Range Rover, that we were done with him and done replacing garage windows!  Cynthia sits down with Matt, her trusty notebook, and mechanical pencil.  She asks Matt for succinct bullet points, which she can then transform into a convincing Power Point to take back to Kenya.  Communication, respect, and an occasional turkey sandwich is all she gets out of him.  Cynthia alludes to Kenya being a bit of a drama queen, he a drama king, annnnd the Dr. is OUT!  Matt compensates Cynthia for her professional counseling sesh by giving her a crumpled-up coupon he finds in his pocket for a free snack-size hot wing with drink purchase at Bar None.

dr-is-in

Kenya pops in at Cynthia’s new lake house and they cop a squat on the dock overlooking the green water to review the Matt shakedown.  Cynthia is all like – “uh Matt why you keep breakin’ Kenya’s stuff?”  It boils down to lack of respect, and his reaction is in direct response to her action.  Kenya calls bullshit and her weave hairs stand up.  Cynthia points out the dramatics, but Kenya denies “I’m not that girl, I have evolved, I have been ride or die with you!”  I think she may have that tattooed somewhere on her body.  Cynthia explains that she did stand up for Kenya, but Kenya is not ready to receive this message.  It brings her back to a darker time when Cynthia denied their friendship, but labeled it as “evolving”.  Kenya gets madder than a wet hen, questions Cynthia’s loyalty, then storms off.  Precisely proving Cynthia’s point.

kenya-lake

Kandi throws a surprise white party for Shamea’s engagement, but none of the cast-mates received the white memo.  Shamea arrives, but becomes teary-eyed when she learns Porsha won’t be attending.  Kandi takes the cast-mates up to the roof-top deck for a more intimate shade-throwing sesh.  Kandi explains what’s been going on and why Porsha is MIA, then SBS picks this ripe moment to let the cat out of the bag – Phaedra has been running around town saying that Shamea goes after all of the ATL huzzzbands and her BFFL, Porsha, didn’t defend her.  Shamea is like “whatevs!”  If that were the case, she would have hooked up with Apollo because he made many, many attempts at her.  To top off the shit sundae, she says that Phaedra is no “Southern Belle” and word was very heavy on the streets about Ms. Parks.  Shamea makes her own counter-blasting hand gesture, indicating that Ms. Parks is open for bidness and takes oral transactions.

shamea-shocked

Later, Porsha visits Shamea to make up for her absence at the white-party engagement hootenanny, but Shamea feels that with all of Porsha’s anger mismanagement training, she should have put those personal issues in a box and showed her face by Crayola.  Shamea also asks why her BFFL didn’t defend her in the Phace of Phaedra’s trash talkin’.  Porsha plays dumb, and thinks this was all said in the underground railroad where cameras and mics are forbidden.  ROLL.  THE.  MUTHA.  EFFEN.  TAPE!  Shamea seems fairly forgiving, so she lets it go for now realizing her BFFL is dumb as a box o’ peach pits.

It’s the day of the glamping trip, and we are treated to the dueling pre-party snack-spreads of calamity.  Kenya actually puts out a descent spread for the ladies in anticipation of much fortitude required for riding the li’l party bus from hell.

kenya-spread

Over at Chateu She Ain’t Doin’ Shit over there…SBS puts a card table on her front porch with some mini-muffins still in the store-bought containers, a roll of paper towels, lukewarm champagne, and plastic cups.  If I didn’t know any better, I would think she was prepping for the Bad Mom’s bake sale.

sbs-bake-sale

Cynthia arrives at Kenya’s, waving her “it’s all good” white flag in hopes that she hasn’t entered breach of friend contract territory.  Cynthia reassures Kenya that she always has her back, they toast, and make up.  Phaedra arrives and is more preoccupied about the disappearance of Porsha at all recent Bravo-mandated events.  How can she Frick without her Frack?

A few foreclosed lots away, Marlo is first to arrive at SBS and her sad display.  Marlo is wearing a statement necklace, which appears as if it could decapitate her at any moment.  Marlo is not down for glamping, all she has packed are 5” heels and her dominatrix gear.  Porsha shows up, but she has a new Frick in her back pocket by way of sister/manager/peach-holdin’ wannabe, Lauren.  And they are dressed exactly alike in cheap tank tops and cut-off Daisy Duke’s.  Porsha tries to have a chat with SBS, whom she lovingly dubs “Ms. Messy”.  But SBS will not be destroyed, she felt it was only fair to share the gossip with all of America.  SBS holds the peach of truth and will not rest until these crazy beyotches stop talkin’ about each other!

Once they are all aboard the party bus, everyone starts becoming quite miffed about various things.  Kandi has a plus one with her friend Hazel, no one seems to want Marlo around, Porsha labels Phaedra and Kenya the new Frack and Whack, and Cynthia asks why Lauren is there.  Leave it to Porsha to produce a “doctors note”, Phaedra snatches it from her hand and reads it aloud as if it were a joke.  Kandi and Kenya immediately start in, they think Porsha is full of shit.  Phaedra is bummed, they aren’t even outside the city limits and the wheels are coming off the party bus.

Next time – the glamping begins and tensions rise with Marlo and well, everyone.

Anger Mismanagement

It’s like seeing a unicorn on roller skates, Phaedra and Kenya are taking a trip to Michigan a la Thelma and Louise style!  They are throwing caution to the wind, hunni, up until they arrive at the camp where Kenya can’t bring herself to sleep on a luxury cot in “prison” like conditions.  Yes, it seems our Miss USA might be too good to stay at the actual camp and take one for the children.  Phaedra shrugs off Kenya’s diva demonstration and they tour the camp grounds on a dusty golf cart.  Leave it to Kenya to wear all white to a camp ground and leave it to her to shout at the campers, “I was Miss USA”.  The young girls run over to her, not because of her crown, but they are more interested in her teacup terriers.

kenya-car

The next day, Kenya hops on the shuttle from the Holiday Inn Express just in time to deliver her presentation for the “Character Development” portion of the program.  She speaks about having courage to follow her dreams and how she fought to become Miss USA three times.  Just think, if she had given up after being twice rejected, we may not have been blessed with knowing the insane asshole that is Kenya Moore.  She invites some of the girls to join her in shouting from the deck top “I’m Fabulous!” and to learn how to twirl their problems away!  A twirl a day keeps the haters at bay!

On day three, Phaedra is up to bat and she takes the kids out for some fun activities, such as zip line and a boat ride.  Later there’s a talent show and I am praying to the Real Housewife Gods that Kenya won’t start yelling about coochie crack and call SECURRRITYYY!  Some of the boys start sharing their stories about not knowing their parents or witnessing their parents being killed, there is not a dry eye in the house.  Some of the campers gather around Phaedra and thank her for getting them out of their situation, even if it’s only for a week.  It’s actually quite touching and Phaedra has actually done a Phine thing for these children.

phaedra-hugs

Back in the ATL, it’s not all rainbows and panda bears.  Porsha and Todd sit down to dinner and he tells her that his boss is ultra-conservative and gave him an ultimatum – your job or your DNC supporting Instagram girlfriend.  He proudly tells Porsha that he chose her boobs and being scantily clad on Instagram over a steady paycheck, an act he anticipates Porsha will receive as valiant.  However, she trips like a crack-house rat and labels him irresponsible.  Todd’s reaction is odd, he is giggling like a school boy as he eats bites of her salmon off her plate.  Her cleavage has clearly overpowered all of his common sense.  I am so proud of our little Porsha, she’s like…adulting, and shit.

porsha-boobs

Later, we learn that Porsha fainted at the nail shop and she has a fainting condition caused by not enough blood flow to the brain.  So.  Many.  Jokes.  Here.  Todd drops by with some ice cream and he is all over her like a smitten kitten.  She feels the fainting spells are due to stress and Todd’s behavior is a baby-making-deal-breaker.  Sidebar:  Porsha is wearing very little makeup in this scene and she actually looks very pretty.  She should set her makeup gun to “natural idiot hooker” a bit more often.

Meanwhile, Cynthia moves into Kandi’s home, and as she is backing her Range Rover up the driveway, Kandi is befuddled.  Cynthia shouts out the window “I have to unload”, but Kandi didn’t expect more than an overnight bag.  Cynthia has brought an amalgam of bizarre sleep over supplies, a small collection of wigs, cereal, Febreeze, and three large jugs of cranberry juice for that nasty UTI she picked up at the Club One opening.  The next morning as Cynthia carts her Fruit Loops to the kitchen, she receives a call from Flavia Labia, realtor at large.  The lake house is clear to close.  Kandi breathes a sigh of relieve and mops her sweaty stress brow with Baby Ace’s receiving blanket.

Speaking of being a sweaty mess, Bob takes SBS to some sort of combination Parisian gift shop, defunct restaurant, and burlesque club in his continued effort to win her back.  This place looks like it would smell of cat food and sadness.  Bob was trying to summon the fond memories of a trip they had taken to Paris, not to be confused with their Spain trip, when Bob ended up throwing a glass of wine in the face of SBS and both were thrown out of the country.  Ahh…memories!  They share a private dinner and a single, pitiful cabaret girl performs.  Once again, Bob is sweating like a farm animal.  Seriously dude, this is hospitalization level sweating.  It’s alarming and disconcerting, get that shit checked out.  Bob lumbers up on the stage and starts dancing, the lone cabaret girl teases him about scheduling an appointment for a real lesson because well, he sucks.  He plops back down by SBS and gives her a canned speech, thanking her for being a wonderful mother to their children and SBS inches closer to the possibility of reuniting.

sbs-benig-wooed

The ladies meet for early-dinner by Phaedra, as a thank you for the participating in the pop-up-shop fund raising.  Phaedra has been inspired by the lumpy cots and hot dogs and decides they shall all go “glamping”.  Kenya thinks the impending trip is an opportune moment to ask Porsha how her anger management training is going.  Or not going for that matter.  Faster than a blink of a false eyelash, they go off the rails.  Kenya and Porsha are going at it and then Kandi piles on.  SBS gets line of the night, “I don’t think Porsha’s anger management has anything to do with taking a trip, I mean if the bitch wanna f*ck you up, she gonna do it in Atlanta!”  WORD!

Kenya keeps asking obnoxious questions, “are you on medication, did you get a certificate?”  As Kandi continues to rag at her, Porsha tells her to stop “piggybacking” on Kenya’s hogwash.  Kandi tells her to “piggyback yo’ ass up!”  The two say “piggyback” about 17 more times, to the point where it’s laugh-out-loud funny.  If you are playing the drinking game at home, hide your keys.  You are officially above the legal limit.

Porsha decides to walk away because her emotional temperature is becoming medically dangerous.  I feel for Porsha somewhat because Phaedra did lead Kenya to believe that Porsha was open to discussing the anger management classes she was attending for like, one episode.  Phaedra and SBS chase after Porsha, and Kenya insists on trailing behind, spewing more of her venom-nitro-fuel on the fire.  This is the segment I like to call, “Arguin’ in the Parkin’ Lot”.

arguing-in-parking-lot

After Porsha tears out of the parking lot trying to run Kenya over like a scurvy dog, the remaining trolls discuss what went down.  SBS points out that Kenya does provoke people, for example Matt playing whack-a-mole with her garage windows.  Kenya tries to throw some shade at SBS saying she would know, having been in abusive relationships.  SBS knows not of what she speaks and tells her, “giiirrrlll…you wish you were on my level!”  With that, Kenya busts open her never ending bag o’ crazy and squats down and starts duck walking around the parking lot.  Not to demonstrate the strength of her hamstrings and donkey booty dear reader, but rather to illustrate that SBS level is one of low-walking duck.keep-calm-and-duck-walk

Porsha returns to the scene of the crime at Phaedra’s request, but everyone has already fled.  Phaedra, SBS, and Porsha go back into the restaurant to hash it out.  Phaedra chalks it up to Kenya’s lack of maturity, but Porsha suspects she is drinking the Kenya Kool-Aid.  Porsha, still in full-on adulting mode, confronts her BFFL about telling Kenya that Porsha wanted to address the group about her anger management, but in typical Phaedra fashion, she denies saying anything of the sort.  ROLL.  THE.  MOTHERF*CKEN’ TAPE!  Porsha warns Phaedra that Kenya is a fake friend and she must exercise extreme caution.  Frick and Frack are starting to crack!

Next week – shopping for glamping, SBS continues to stir the pot, and Cynthia talks to Matt about Kenya.

Poppin’ Up for a Purpose

Phaedra and Ayden are in full preparation mode for the pop-up shop event, 50% of all proceeds to benefit the children of Flint, Michigan.  Ayden is truly his mother’s child, he is manufacturing tie dye tee-shirts, which say #fixitjesus on the back.  After a hard day of labor on the printing press, he shifts over to the kitchen to produce his A+ chocolate chip cookies for $6.99 a piece!  He isn’t screwin’ around, this kid came to raise some coin!

The production line is temporarily halted due to a call from an overly-concerned Cynthia.  She has 81 questions about how this pop-up event will work, such as where she can store her wardrobe changes and will there be a boxed lunch?

Across town, SBS is shopping for overpriced wall coverings, because wall “paper” is just so 2002.  Her decorator has sent his intern, none other than Marlo “check my charges” Hampton.  They use the outing as an excuse to dish about Kenya, the fact that she’s balls on nuts crazy, and that Moore Manor is a dump without working plumbing.

Speaking of Moore Manor, Kenya returns to find her garage door glass broken out again, her Land Rover rear window smashed in, and her security cameras spray painted over.  This has Matt written all over it, in his own blood, and it’s high time he exit stage left and lay off the GNC “supplements”.  THIS.  SITUATION.  IS.  FRAUGHT.  WITH.  PERIL!  Kenya is crying her false eyelashes off and calls Kandi to seek advice so she can continue ignoring the obvious truth.  Kandi gives her a healthy dose of “wake up and smell the restraining order”, but Kenya still seems to think there is hope.  WWMJD?  (what would Mama Joyce do?)  Kandi offers her the guest house if she needs to crash for a few days, but she really doesn’t mean it.

Later, Kenya visits Phaedra to discuss the pop-up event, but can’t hold back her tears of woe.  She spills the Matt beans and Phaedra explains that EVERYBODY KNOWS that bad behavior intensifies 110% and by 110 volts.  We are treated to a flashback of Apollo wielding a power drill and chasing her around the garage.  Phaedra recommends counseling, but safety is paramount.  She offers a quick prayer for her and they hug it out.

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Kenya decides the best course of action is to head over to Kandi’s with Cynthia in tow and announce that they will be moving in.  I think they are a couple now.  Kandi is a bit stunned, she didn’t actually think Kenya would take her up on the offer, much less bring her new plus one.  Cynthia’s lake house purchase may be sinking in the mire, but she has already sold the townhome and must move out.  Kandi seems to avoid the question and they discuss the outrage over Phaedra expecting 50% of the profits from the pop-up event be donated.  SBS recalled something different and Kandi leads them to some discussion about SBS not recalling facts correctly.  Somehow out of all this mire, we end up with an assumption that when Porsha admitted to receiving a “golden shower” when they played “Never Have I Ever” on the boat trip from hell, she must have been referring to Block.  I’m sure this will come up at the reunion.

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It’s the day of the pop up shop event, which is about as exciting as a Jiffy Lube waiting room – SBS set’s up her table with “Who gon’ check me boo” tee shirts, because hey, a tired catch phrase never goes out of style.  Kenya mocks the setup from SBS, which is put together with prayers and chewing gum.  Kenya’s “team of experts” put up this hideous banner which looks like it was folded up in the trunk of her car.  The fold lines are visible and it looks terrible, I hope she at least has product in her bottles instead of water.  One interesting item of note, Apollo’s parents show up and seem to have a good relationship with Phaedra.

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Marlo shows up, still looking for her peach.  In order to avoid a scene, Kenya pulls her aside to apologize for the non-invite to the housewarming party.  Marlo points out she dissed her on the birthday party too, after soliciting her advice on the planning!  No meow-down here, Marlo ain’t havin’ it and she walks away.  To be continued…

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Kandi stays for about 20 minutes, but must leave because her Spanx are suffocating her.  She tells Phaedra she’ll write a check for $2,500.  Porsha donates 100% of her proceeds, which was $1,000.  Cynthia donates $1,000 in profit, SBS $595 in profit, and Kenya brings in a measly $450.  Hmmm…who gon’ check me now, BOO!?!?  All told, Phaedra raised $7,541.  At the end of the event, Ayden approaches Cynthia to collect on a cookie she took and told him she would pay him later, “can I please have my money?”  He’s too cute to be a debt collector.debt-collector

Next week, Kenya and Phaedra Thelma and Louise it, Bob is still trying to win over SBS, Porsha confronts Todd about his intentions, and Kenya life coaches the children at Phaedra’s camp.

Smacking Miss Daisy

Well this week the ATL ladies are teeing up more drama than Tiger Woods.  We start with Kenya and Cynthia heading to the do-it-yourself dog wash.  First item of note is that gladiator sandals that wrap up the calf are not a good look for Kenya.  Her calves are bulging out of those things like stuffed sausage.  Second item of note is that Kenya kisses her dogs with full on tongue.  I’m not talkin’ just allowing the dog to lick her, but Kenya sticking her tongue out as far as it will go and waiting for the dog to lick her back.  Twirl is a smart pup, she refuses the lick, she knows where that tongue has been!  Speaking of where Kenya’s tongue roams…she and Matt are DUNZO…well for now, unless of course he gets it together and graduates from anger management and commits to attending three Rageaholics Anonymous meetings per week.  Then, and only then, may he have the proper potential with which Kenya may fall deeper in lust.

In other lip-licking news, Kenya informs her new BFF, Cynthia, that Papa Smurf has booked her to host the opening at Bar One and Done in Charlotte.  Cynthia is glad Kenya informed her since Papa Smurf didn’t inform her that he would be commandeering all of her friends in the divorce.  Kenya invites Cynthia to be her “date” since Matt will be held hostage at Tool Academy.  Across town, Peter is deep in the midst of a post-divorce crisis and purchases a Mercedes convertible on an open line of credit that Cynthia forgot to close.

In Porsha news, she is packing up the last of her things at her old home and finds that her mother was there and had left an old can of whipped cream on the counter.  Things that make you go “hmmmm”.

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She packs up that whipped cream and high-tails it to her mother’s house until she finds her new station in life.  She sneaks her new ex-boyfriend, Todd, into the house and shows him her Yoni egg and reads the informational pamphlet to him.  She uses the pamphlet to sage the air, puts some of the old whipped cream on a moldy strawberry, throws a mixed tape into the boom box, and they commence to have a good time as if they are teenagers again.

SBS is rocking a literal leopard print jump suit.  Literally with neon leopard bodies all over it.  She visits her publisher, apparently SBS is writing a juicy book.  It’s a tell-all/fiction/auto-biography/non-fiction/half-caf/3-shot/no foam/novel, entitled “Wives, Fiancées, and Side-Chicks of Hotlanta”.  The novel is loosely based on reality – this means you ATL cast-mates – and she will include all of the juicy stories she has been harboring in her mental filing cabinet of death.

Later, SBS decides to try Parkour as a new workout and a divisive way to injure Bob.  He jumps off a block and practically blows out a knee.  He is schvitzing like an overworked farm animal, but is saved by the bell as SBS takes a call from her publisher.  Naturally Bob is curious about what is going in the “tell-all” novel, specifically about him and wants to know if he gets any royalties.  He hopes this venture will be better than the fashion show with no clothes.  At least we know the book will have pages.

In other drama, Todd shows Kandi some cryptic Instagram post from Johnnie, Kandi’s ex-assistant.  Johnnie eludes to Kandi being disloyal and fake, but Kandi notes she had to let Johnnie run with the wind because he was starting his event planning bidness on the side and losing his focus on adequately wiping her butt after her defcon 5 dumps.  Kandi has him on the payroll for her upcoming Bedroom Kandi event, so let the confrontation begin!

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At the 4th annual Bedroom Kandi convention, Kandi is bustling about greeting her sales force and ogling new vibrators for same-sex couples.  She pulls Johnnie off of dildo duty for a chat about his bitchy social media post.  She asks why he’s “feelin’ some kinda way” about her.  Johnnie is apparently still bitter about being fired by Don Juan the asshole and being underpaid.  Kandi tightens her pony-tail and clarifies that he had his side-bidness going and she knew it was only a matter of time before the side-bidness became priority, annnd he accepted the job for the pay rate he was making.  Johnnie isn’t backing down and as Kandi’s current thug-lette staff surrounds him, you can see the actual bridge burning to the ground.  Kandi tells him that he can call her a bitch or an asshole, but don’t call her fake!  She whips her ponytail around and tells Johnnie she will take her fake money and go elsewhere.  Johnny done fucked up.

Later, Johnnie pays a visit to Counselor Parks because he thinks he has a case against Kandi and her Factory.  Phaedra is taken aback, she thought they were “closer than two butt cheeks”.  Well the butt cheeks have separated in an unsightly manner, Johnnie claims he was wearing many hats for Kandi and wasn’t fairly compensated.  He presents Phaedra with his old paystubs for $500 a week, working 80 plus hours, and no benefits – a sad Johnnie mutters “I had to do Obamacare”.  She asks why he stuck around and he thought they would be bidness partners eventually, specifically in the restaurant venture.  He felt slapped in the face when Kandi went down restaurant road with Todd and the OLG, leaving Johnnie sad and penniless.  Phaedra gives him some false-hope, tells him he has a great case to recoup back pay or loss of future profits, and will refer him to a lawyer that specializes in that area of law.

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Down in Charlotte, Cynthia and Kenya settle in their hotel room only to find that Matt has begun a social media rampage after learning that Kenya had Peter cancel his plane ticket without telling him.  He is hoppin’ mad and is driving to Charlotte, threatening Kenya via text to come back to him or he’s gonna go HAM (HOT ASS MESS).  As if that is even more possible at this point?!?!

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Club One is hoppin’ and Peter spots Cynthia walkin’ in “lookin’ like an ice cream cone”.  She takes him aside to explain that Kenya will not be attending due to the Matt situation, but she will step in as host for a modest cut of the booking fee.  Kenya decides to show up anyway and Matt rolls up at the same precise moment to confront Kenya.  Perfect timing Bravo intern!  We see Matt head over to her car, we hear a scuffle on the mic, and learn that Matt has opened the door and smacked the driver.  Matt squeals off in his SUV of doom and Peter phones him to find out What.  The.  Actual.  Fuck.

Matt claims the driver rolled his neck up in the window, so he smacked him.  Damn, I wish we could’ve seen that moment on tape!  Papa Smurf doles out some fatherly advice and tells him to slowly back-away from this relationship.  He tells Kenya the same thing and she is crying, AGAIN, “HE HAS SO MUCH POTENTIAL!”  At the end of the event, Cynthia gives Peter props for the Club One and Done opening and he hints that he lives right down the street…wink, wink…but Cynthia isn’t dipping her ice cream cone tonight, or any night!  She and her top knot smartly dismiss his overture as she mutters “awwwkward!”

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Next week – More broken glass at Moore Manor, Cynthia and Kenya become uninvited house guests at Kandi-Land, and the return of Marlo “Check my Charges” Thompson.

Confrontation Station

What better way to start the new year than to go see a man about rejuvenating your aging breasteses?  Cynthia heads over to “Dr. Curves”, because that’s the name of a plastic surgeon I would entrust with my life.  Anyhoo… she can’t possibly have this man superficially evaluate her breasts without her loving cast-mates in tow.  They arrive one by one and Kandi is a bit irked because she didn’t anticipate having to see Phaedra fresh off their ill-fated dispute over the inappropriateness of Mama Joyce repeating 50 times that Drama wanted to “blow Phaedra the f*ck up!”

Enter Counselor Parks, the consummate professional.  She keeps it cute and cordial, greeting her mortal enemy is if everything is copacetic.  The ENTIRE GANG wedges themselves into the exam room to witness Cynthia’s consultation, Dr. Jimerson enters and I’m a bit shocked that Kenya didn’t ask him for his personal cell phone number and a house call.  Cynthia challenges the Doc to guess who is fake vs. natural and he pegs Porsha and Kenya as fake, but Kenya insists she is natural and offers the Doc a feel and slips him her Twitter handle.  Cynthia drops her top and Phaedra is alarmingly excited, screaming TITTIES and trying to squeeze them.

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Kandi cops a feel and thinks they are quite nice, as is.  The doc locates a bit of hardening, but for now she has plenty of mileage on the ol’ bags.  Seeing as how she has now mortgaged her soul for the new lake house, Cynthia prudently defers boob maintenance for a few more years.

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Later we learn that Cynthia sold her town home for $655,000 and the lake home is official.  She shows her mom and Mal around and as they sit, gazing out onto the murky lake, Cynthia reflects on the fact that it would have been her 6th wedding anniversary.  They pop some champagne to drink Peter off their minds, however Noelle is missing her Papa Smurf.  Later she meets with her former step-dad to participate in some Hot Yoga.  Peter walks in and tells the instructor he has never done Hot Yoga before, to which the instructor replies “ahhh, fresh meat!”  Actually, he is old meat…old gassy meat.  They do yoga for 90 minutes, all the while Papa Smurf is sweating like a farm animal and ripping some nasty hot, wet farts.  As they walk out, Noelle confides in Peter that she was upset that no one took her feelings into consideration about this whole divorce thingie.  Peter was trying to respect Cynthia’s space, but will make an effort to keep in touch.  They begin to tear up from the methane gas leaking from Peter’s ass and they hot hug it out.

Across town, SBS meets with her interior designer, who shows her a $12,000 bed and a $4,000 chaise, as he uses a sample fabric swatch to wipe the sweat from his brow.  SBS watches him do this and looks at him like “oh no you di’int!”  As she reels from sticker shock and refuses to go back to IKEA, she starts talking baseboards and trim and is ready to throw her housewarming bash, sans dust and tittie sweat.

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Kandi and Mama Joyce go shopping for diamond earrings for Riley’s 14th birthday and settle on a pair for $3,500, wow.  When I was 14, I was lucky to get a pair of Calvin Klein jeans, back when they cost $50 a pair!  Okay, showing my age…but I digress…Kandi tells Mama about the discussion with Phaedra, but Mama thinks Kandi has been to nice and someone should blow Phaedra the f*ck up.  Later, Riley has an underwhelming reaction to the diamonds, but she is all in on the cake from the A&P and they all eat it right out of the container.  She reveals that Block has called and wants to see her soon.  Kandi thinks she should go alone, but Riley wants her mom to tag along.  Mama Joyce flashes her crocodile grin and offers to go with Riley, now there’s an episode…Mama and Block face off.

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Phaedra and Shamea decide to insert “yoni eggs” into their vaginas because Porsha wants her vaginal walls “to look like Sheree’s hamstrings, ready to pounce!”  They insert, Porsha narrowly escapes damage to her taint, then they start “exercising”.  Shamea keeps groaning about how “amaaaaaazing” it feels and at one point, we see Shamea performing downward dog in her mini-skirt with the string hanging out from between her legs.  The Bravo intern who failed to cue up the black modesty box should be fired, ASAP.  This.  Has.  Gone.  Too.  Far.  SBS arrives late to the party and wisely claims it’s “that time of the month”, so she cannot partake, besides her lady parts are as tight as her top-knot!   After all the flexing of the vaginal walls, Shamea and Porsha start talking about doing this again, but they should invite Kandi and Phaedra because they are both perverse freaks who love to insert foreign objects into their vaginas.  SBS may be on the rag, but she is always up for stirring the pot.  Her official role this season is to repeat all the damning things she hears, float them out there, and then sit back and watch the shit show.  SBS brings up the rumor about Phaedra cheating on Apollo before he chased her with the power drill, flipped out over a Home Depot bucket of hinges, and then went to jail.  Shamea decides to jump into the cesspool and claims that Phaedra at one time went after her own huzzzband.

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Later, Porsha and SBS invite Phaedra for the lunch of death to inform her of the rumor Kandi is allegedly floatin’ on da’ streets of the ATL.  Phaedra is sick of Kandi and her “homemade thug employees”.  Then, in a masterstroke of bitchery, Phaedra pantomimes the international hand signal for sexual intercourse and states that Kandi and Shamea are sleeping together, and sometimes they throw li’l Todd into the mix.  SBS calls her a “motherf*ckin’ liar”, but Porsha jumps on this train like the hot mess underground railroad express.  Phaedra gets so excited that her bestie is on board for some good ol’ fashioned slander, that she almost chokes on the lemon seed stuck to her lip gloss.

Naturally, Porsha and her hench-woman SBS confront Kandi about the malicious rumors she has spread about Phaedra.  Kandi goes ballistic on Porsha because she participated in the rumors and knows that Porsha in fact, took the photo of Phaedra that was texted to the mysterious “Chocolate”.  Porsha is weaving a mess as tangled as SBS’s statement necklace.  Kandi is so upset, she must forego tacos, and lawwwwd knows she doesn’t like to miss a meal.  She grabs her bottled water and bolts.

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Next week, someone is facing a lawsuit and another visit from Maniacal Matt!

Talkin’ it Out

Porsha has volunteered to babysit for Phaedra’s boys so that Counselor Parks can attend to her personal bidness.  Porsha is ready for her “dry-run” at practicing single parenthood, but Mr. President and his sidekick Dylan are giving her a run for her money.  Porsha orders they put on their “Pajammy jams” and get ready for bed, but Mr. President Ayden is a shrewd toddler.  He negotiates some additional playtime, a new toy, an extra story, a bedtime snack, and a 529 College Fund.  Probably the funniest moment is when Porsha thinks she has misplaced Ayden, but he is actually hiding behind a chair changing into is pajammy jams so that he won’t be exposed on camera.  You would think Bravo could muster up a small black modesty box that would cover his whole being.  When Counselor Parks returns from the salon after getting her polish change, Porsha collapses on the couch and runs through the seven stages of single parenting, disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and finally acceptance/hope.  Porsha admits she may need a partner to help raise a family.  It takes a village, or at least a willing ex-boyfriend with a mega-watt smile!

Later, Porsha brings Todd to her mother’s home for a family dinner, Todd is on the menu…hop on da’ grill young man!  Todd is extremely quiet and sporting his best perma-grin, he seriously looks like he just rolled out of Snoop Dogg’s man cave.  Lauren gets the full dirt on Todd – he and Porsha dated a few years in their early twenties, Todd was fresh out of a relationship when he got the text from Porsha, and he has two sons, 16 and 14.  This is like a scene out of the Bachelorette where the family grills the jumpy suitor – but Todd proclaims he would gladly start a family with Porsha because he loves her.  Porsha is floored that Todd was first to drop the L-Bomb and it is usually she who is the aggressor, all the way to the restraining order phase of the relationship.  She is working her new anger management, patience, and act like a normal woman skills – they are paying high dividends!

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We have learned that li’l Ayden didn’t want to be exposed on camera, however another housewife son has no problem baring all.  Kairo is in the makeup chair and stage mom SBS sprays him down with Pam cooking spray – he is ready rock the photo shoot and assemble a portfolio for his impending modeling career.  Bob and his crazy eye waddle in – seriously, what is up with this guy – he walks like he has a janky knee and a trick hip.  Bob pretends to be horrified and covers up Kairo with his white embroidered western wear shirt – careful Bob, Pam cooking spray will leave a nasty stain!  SBS is happy that her ex showed up to support their son, but she is firm in her position of “Momager”.

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Later, SBS and Kairo request a professional evaluation from Cynthia Bailey – owner of the Bailey Agency for wayward models.  Cynthia can’t take her eyes off of Kairo and asks to see his abs, drop down and give her 20, and strike some serious Blue Steel.  Cynthia is so overwhelmed by his smokin’ hotness, she is sweating like Bob Whitfield!  SBS thinks Kairo is ready to walk at NY Fashion Week, after all SBS is the expert – she can throw a fashion show with no clothes.  Cynthia laughs her middle-aged model ass off and cautions SBS to slow her momager roll.

It may not hurt Cynthia to have a new client by way of Karo, she also learns that her offer of $940,000 on the new lake house was accepted!  Cynthia is thrilled, she prayed for a tub like the one in the lake house, where she can soak off the greazy film of her marriage.

Sidebar:  Cynthia’s real estate agent, Flavia, called to give her the news and I could have sworn Cynthia said “Labia”.  Not sure that is worth mentioning, but it sure gave me a chuckle!  Could you imagine…  Anyhoo – the Bravo paychecks are keepin’ her dream alive for now, but now we wait until Papa Smurf files for spousal support.  MMM HMMM, betta make those coins, gurrrrrl!

On the Kenya Moore front, she is safely secured inside Moore Manor, except for the area where Matt kicked out the IKEA grade glass from the garage doors.  She calls her father on her iPhone, which Matt apparently also smashed, and she gives her father the update.  Papa don’t take no mess and his ass is on a plane to ATL as they speak – First Class PUH-LEAZE!

Ronald arrives and we get a better look at Moore Manor in its finished state, which I have to say is quite nice.  She has one of those really cool, modern, abstract light fixtures that are so expensive I cannot bring myself to buy one.  Anyway, she pretends to cook dinner by way of some frozen Trader Joe’s meals and Ronald is on an anti-Matt rant and points out each painfully evident fact about how the relationship is doomed.  Kenya’s face keeps falling with each sentence he utters – she expresses probably one of the worst things a woman can about a flailing relationship, “he has potential”.  Don’t do it Miss USA – do not fall in love with a man’s POTENTIAL!  Just like we learned last week, good fried chicken don’t pay da bills, and neither does potential!

Kenya and Ronald arrive at a cigar bar and wait for Matt to arrive, but after 30 minutes he is still a no show.  No show.  No pay da’ bills.  Kenya’s shattered iPhone reflects the status of her relationship – Matt is not coming and his li’l thumbs of fury needed to send 17 irrational text messages to convey that simple thought!  Kenya rings him up and Matt says he isn’t coming because he feels manipulated.  Kenya warns Matt to watch his tone and he hangs up.  Now Ronald is pissed, and he’s HONGRAY!

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Matt finally strolls in, wearing his best Garanimals from the “Where’s Waldo” collection and proceeds to tell Ronald that Kenya doesn’t respect his boundaries – he is not about to be her li’l beyotch.  Ronald lectures both of them about “give and take”, but ultimately tells Matt he is going to have to accept Kenya’s crazy twirling and lack of baseboards in her home or get into his truck and put the pedal to the metal!

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Now, let’s get down to the real reason we all slogged through the last 43 minutes of this shit show…At the Kandi Koated Factory, Kandi is conveniently having a meeting with her shade-throwin’ staff when Phaedra’s assistant calls to set up a dinner meeting.  The staff looks confused, Don Juan asks “what the goallllll?”  Kandi gives them the bomb threat briefing and of course they all rally around the woman signing their paychecks and agree that Phaedra’s version of the bomb threat story is bullshit.  Kandi speculates that the “bodyguard” hired by Phaedra is actually her new boyfriend and the bottom line is that Kandi isn’t cool with the continual inconsistent stories.  Sidebar:  Kandi looks smokin’ in her purple dress – it must be the victorious radiance from casting all the shade on her former BFF.

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Over at Phaedra’s office, she receives a visit from Drama’s mother to discuss the bomb threat.  Phaedra was upset about all the “sensationalized” stories that went around the ATL and she is angry with Kandi for not reining in Mama Joyce when she said that Drama “wanted to blow you the f*ck up!”  Not too much to see here, but Drama’s Mama looks like she’s seen some thangs…#ifyaknowwhatimsayin’!

The final showdown takes place at Katana Teppanyaki and Sushi, where the wait staff wear plaid lumberjack shirts.  The two former besties start goin’ at each other right out of the gate and they both have a laundry list of grievances against one another.  After they run through the good ol’ standards…Mama Joyce, Todd, Sexual Chocolate, and beyond… Kandi feels that Phaedra milked Apollo’s incarceration to garner sympathy, when all the while she had been telling Kandi she couldn’t wait for his power-drill wielding dumb ass to be gone.  Further weaving her tales of woe, Phaedra tells Kandi she may have loved her more than her huzzzband, but Kandi isn’t down with melting in Phaedra’s hands or her mouth.  Um…EWW!  They decide to bid each other goodbye and best wishes, Kandi makes a swift exit, while Phaedra remains seated and pretends to peruse the menu, hmmm….Rainbow or Seattle Roll?

Next time – Cynthia shows her boobs, SBS shares the rumor about Phaedra skippin’ around on Apollo before he want to jail, and Kandi is mad about something, again.

Good Fried Chicken Don’t Pay Da’ Bills

We are back at the scene of the bomb threat and Phaedra makes her way into her office taking elf sized steps because her spanx are too tight.  There are about four painfully evident staged extras posing as paparazzi outside the elevator.  Phaedra hand picks one of the paparazzi to enter the office and be honored with the true scoop, which turns out to be a whole lotta nuthin’!  The man enters, wearing a hat that reads, “I Pledge to Hustle”.  We learn that the man who threatened the office with a bomb is a ‘90’s rapper named “Drama” and he is a former client and good friend of Phaedra’s for over 20 years.  He did some prison time and apparently looks crazier than a bed bug, he entered the wrong law office and announced he was “dropping of some bomb new music” and apparently, the conservative white people got it twisted.  What kind of f*ckery is this?  Racial profiling at the receptionist’s desk, that’s what!  Or so Counselor Parks believes, so she decides to hold a summit to discuss preventative security and how they can teach the office staff to brush up on their Urban Dictionary vocab so they may decipher the difference between “bomb lyrics” and an actual “bomb”.

Over at Moore Manor, Cynthia drops by to admire the disposable furniture and the untouched Gucci cake from Matt’s birthday.  Cynthia confused – why baby Matt no eat his cake?  Kenya explains how Matt hulked out over her throwback Thursday photo with Jay-Z.  Cynthia gives her some incoherent speech about how Papa Smurf went on Wendy Williams to air their dirty divorce laundry, Kenya needs a strong man who has the upper body strength to carry her crown, and well overall it’s not all rainbows and panda bears and Kenya needs to think about how she can do better to improve the relationship.  What in the fresh hell is this untoward advice?  Better advice would have been “drink a pint of Tequila Rose and find some stooge on Tinder”.  Kenya starts tearing up because she is at a fork in the road, I say pick up the fork and eat the cake before that fondant goes stale!

Later, Cynthia visits her divorce attorney and finds out they can proceed rather quickly and she will receive a divorce certificate – oh Cynthia and her love of formalized paperwork!  They each check the box saying they can go be happy and marry other people, they each receive a laminated copy bound in a genuine Corinthian leather folio, and hopefully move on with their lives.

The OLG Restaurant is still a slapdash shit show and Todd is bee-bopping around the restaurant shell talking to himself, when he really should be hitting leg day at the gym to pump up those Tweety Bird legs!  OHMYLANTA…he is wearing a backpack, LOOK ALIVE KANDI!  This is how it all started with Apollo and his backpack o’ scumf*ckery.  Kandi and her “I dream of Jeannie” hair piece can only fixate on the liquor license, which is about to expire in 45 days if the restaurant isn’t finished!

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Speaking of 45-day time frames, Porsha needs to be out of her current rental home in 45 days, which she thinks “is like three weeks, right?”  Thank God for her sister Lauren, she is there to guide her out of the underground railroad of stupidity and into the kitchen to start packing her shit.  Porsha sits Lauren and her mother’s camel toe down in the living room for a serious chat – the real motivation behind moving into a larger home is her plan to receive her ex-Todd’s seed and start the family she always wanted.  Porsha reminisces that Todd’s last name is also Stewart and he had sent her a text years ago, on her wedding day, pointing out that she was “marrying the wrong Stewart”.  Oh Todd, you should’ve gone all “Benjamin Braddock” on her and stopped the wedding!  Oh wait, these millennials full o’ fluff are too young to remember “The Graduate”.

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In other news, is it just me or does Mama Joyce need some serious meds?  She saunters over to Randy Kessler’s office wearing a pathetic excuse for a disguise and poses as if she is seeking legal advice “for a friend”.  Yeah Mama – you’re about as subtle as Kenya’s knockers in her Forever 21 clearance rack outfits.  Mama grills Kessler about her “hypothetically incarcerated man, divorce, how long, etc.” questions and he gives her a standard legal answer about as clear as Georgia mud, yes if incarcerated, no if less than a year, yes if more than five years, but not for a qualifying misdemeanor, third felony maybe, but hypothetically speaking if he earns more than $500 a week for twerking, overall likelihood is no, yes, well probably they could divorce rather swiftly, but not if his prison uniform is orange.  If he is assigned a blue DOC jumpsuit, then he can appeal the divorce and get divorced in seven years without any paperwork, but he will never see his backpack of tomfoolery again.

Mama clearly has nothing to do with her life.  Jeez lady, take a pottery class, learn how to knit, watch Judge Judy…anything but this.  Mama tells the camera, “I wouldn’t piss in yo’ mouth if yo’ guts was on fire!”  Dayum Mama, that is just unbecoming.  Furthermore, I have now become entirely mortified that I am actually using brain cells to figure out her disguise choice, much less her warped psyche.

Kandi decides she needs to start testing the OLG recipes with the new chef, which consists of fried chicken and mac-n-cheese.  If these are the heavy hitting recipes – including banana mush in an over-sized wine glass served with canned whipped cream, then I truly fear for the success of this restaurant venture.  Kandi decides to hold the tasting at a culinary school since the restaurant isn’t finished and, well who wants a li’l asbestos sprinkled on their mac-n-cheese?  Not I said the OLG.  The OLG’s arrive wearing their support hose, ready to taste food and be despondent for the camera.  Kandi has invited her cast mates and Mama Joyce starts salivating at the thought of giving Phaedra a taste, Mama Joyce hood rat style.  Kandi senses Mama’s hunger and warns her to lay off of Phaedra and to not use the word “bomb”, “fuse”, “lit” or otherwise!

Kenya comes boppin’ in and her knockers are having an explosion of their own, over the top of her undersized outfit, they are just too much.  Anyhoo, She by Shereé (SBS) sits next to Mama Joyce and pounces on her own opportunity to stir up the shit pot and informs Mama that Kenya threw shade on her wiglette hairstyle, Mama shoots a harmless stink eye, but let’s Kenya off the hook.  Mama is too focused on Phaedra’s arrival, as soon as she walks in, she takes Phaedra’s hands and acts as if she is trying to comfort her.  There are not enough prayer cloths in all of the ATL to save Phaedra now…oh wait, sensing the dis-comfort, Kandi pulls Mama away and Phaedra gets the zinger of the night, “thank God she kept her shoes on!”

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Phaedra takes several seats and explains what happened with the alleged bomb threat.  Mama Joyce said that she heard that the guy was tired of being messed around and wanted to blow Phaedra the f*ck up.  Phaedra sloughs it off, drops a “Homeland Security” on her, and BAM…Mama Joyce is now on a watch list somewhere in D.C.  Phaedra explained that her office is conservative and this was all a result of racial profiling, but her former BFF, Kandi, calls bullshit and thinks Phaedra is Phakin’.

So with that shit put to rest, SBS asks Kandi what’s going on with Block and asks Porsha if Block talked about Riley while they were dating.  Oh SBS, you wily Mama Joyce wiglette wearin’ minx.  Porsha is getting her money’s worth out of the anger management sessions, she counts to 10 and keeps her cool.  She and Kandi squash it like a road lizard and move on.  Besides, Porsha dated Block, like…ages ago…it’s been at least 45 days!

For the final drama of the night, Kenya is dealing with a bomb of her own, apparently Matt vandalized Moore Manor in the middle of the night by kicking in a window on her garage like a swift, effective, killing machine.  Yeah, bummer…that IKEA grade glass is thin.  Kenya doesn’t know what to do, so she rings her resident relationship expert Cynthia Bailey.  Cynthia tells her to kick him to the curb, but Kenya wants this relationship to work so badly she cannot accept the direction given.  Her mind is ablaze with indecision, so she comes up with a better idea to consult a producer who job it is to facilitate pointless drama.  Kenya defends Matt, she really loves him and her success is f*ckin’ him up.  While this all occurs, we watch her two teacup terriers wrestle and play on the floor, which is the cutest thing I’ve seen this whole hour, but also symbolic of Kenya’s struggle.

Kenya calls Matt and summons him to Moore Manor for an in-person chat about their hot mess of a relationship.  He shows up looking like he smells of hot dog water and rage.  The fuse on his tampon is lit up the moment he sees the camera crew lurking.  It seems Matt doesn’t want their relationship on camera, so I would reckon he stay off the show and they keep their shit private.  Nothing some creative pixelation and a few modesty boxes won’t fix…BAM, crisis averted.  However, they start fighting and he calls her disrespectful, claiming she talks to him like “a farm animal on the daily” – she is “manipulative and fundamentally deceptive”.  I’m pretty sure he has those words tattooed somewhere on his body.  They exchange a few more heated words and he squeals out of the uncured driveway.  YOU IN DANGER, GIRRRL!

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Next week – Family feuds and Kandi and Phaedra have it out.

Bombs Away

Phaedra is preparing to head to the DNC and work with Congresswoman Wilson and her sparkly hats to bring attention to the ongoing issue of police brutality.  Phaedra cannot be without her sidekick, so she invites Porsha to tag along.  Porsha twirls around in her day gown, “I’m always down to fight the power!”  Counselor Parks also plans to kill another bird while on the road and plans to swing by the clink and hopefully get Apollo to sign off on those pesky li’l divorce papers.

Across town, Kenya and Cynthia visit a bakery to learn how to decorate cakes, Kenya creates a Gucci themed cake for Matt since he lost is Gucci belt, or some ridiculous shit like that.  Cynthia is giving us Black Panther Rally realness with her wild hair, and one cannot help but wonder why they would not be required to wear hair nets around all of this frosting!  Speaking of appearances, I cannot figure out Kenya’s outfit, her top is a hideous print with Rolling Stone lips and ladybugs.  Anyhoo, as Kenya forms a replica of Matt’s most prized body part out of green fondant, she announces to her BFF Cynthia that she is having an ATV outing to celebrate Matt’s birthday – SUCCESSFUL COUPLES ONLY!  As the frosting tool twirls in Cynthia’s backside, she blows it off assuming her invitation was lost in the mail.  To add insult to injury, Kenya decides this is the moment to phone Kandi and Lena to bring their significant others to the birthday party.

Cynthia big hair, don’t care, has her own fish to fry, which she will be fishing for in her new lake house!  One condition of her divorce is to sell the house, so she takes Noelle to make an offer on the first new home they find.  It has 16-bedrooms and it’s on a lake, way to downsize and economize Cynthia!  She later phones Kenya to share the news, only to find out that Kenya had posted a Throwback Thursday photo on her Instagram, which pictured her in a car with Jay-Z.  Matt flew into a jealous rage and hulked out by punching holes in the un-done Moore Manor.  Good thing she hadn’t installed that trim yet!

She by Shereé – SIDEBAR:  from here on out, we will abbreviate her name to SBS because I am too lazy to keep typing out She by Shereé – has her own issues to deal with.  She sits down with her son, Kairo, to discuss his recent DUI and she opens a rather stale can o’ whoop ass on him.  She emphasizes the need for him to be careful and he will always have to be better and try harder due to the color of his skin.  SBS does her best as concerned, caring mother, but she takes Kairo to see Bob, so he can be the bad guy and ride Kairo like a Shetland show pony.  However, unbeknownst to SBS, Bob is a medical card-carrying marijuana smoker and speaks to the benefits of pot.  SBS gives him the “you are so stupid you make me squint” look.  Once again, Bob is sweating like a farm animal.  Seriously dude, you should check into that.  SBS is praying Kairo didn’t score from his father, but Bob turns the convo around and scolds him for smoking pot recreationally and he needs to let the dutchie pass.  Kairo gives his best dead in the eyes apology and promises to “make better decisions”.

sheree-squint

Kandi and Todd are still working on OLG restaurant and are three months behind.  They call in their resident expert, Papa Smurf, for advice.  He tells them they are insane for getting into the bidness and then he and Todd step outside to bro-out.  Peter advises him on the proper placement of any security cameras to avoid being caught groping patrons.  Peter yammers on about working with Cynthia being the cause of divorce, blah, blah, blah…but face it, we all know the truth.  She finally got wise and dumped your dumb ass because you squandered her modeling fortune and then you were caught on video sliding your grubby paws all over a waitress.  Bar One and DONE – DUBMASS!

Later, Todd heads home after working so many hours at the restaurant that he hasn’t washed his balls in three days.  Okay, why did we need to know that and, ummm EWW!  As if that wasn’t alarming enough, Mama Joyce shows up and offers to watch Baby Ace, FREE OF CHARGE!  She has suspicions that Kandi is “rusty as a drain pipe”, so she has set up some Bedroom Kandi in the guest house to allow Kandi and Todd to have some “alone time”.  Now dear reader, you are probably thinking how revolting it would be to have your own mother set up “sexy time” for you, laying out your own sex toy products and lube to be used with your husband, whose balls smell like the dumpster at a back-alley Mexican restaurant… but oh no, that is not the end of this escapade!  Kandi can’t just get nekkid, she decides to head back over to the main house, slip into something more comfortable, and then she runs into Mama while trotting back over to the guest house in her lingerie and heels.  This is just wrong on so many levels.  Pardon me while I go power wash my eyeballs.

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It’s the big day of the ATV outing, but Matt has fled to California because he couldn’t handle the sight of his current girlfriend in a car with Jay-Z from 40 years ago.  SIDEBAR:  This does shed some light onto why Kenya continually thinks she is Beyoncé.  Lena decides to take a knee because she is “under the weather” and Kenya rides with RL with Todd and Kandi behind.  Todd takes off like a maniac, hoping he doesn’t pull a RHOC and roll the dayum thing!  They finally break for some lunch comprised of pasta salad, fruit salad, tuna salad, chicken salad, egg salad, and bean salad.  Salad, anyone?  Kandi goes right for the good stuff and asks Kenya for some real talk about Matt.  As they discuss Matt’s anger and insecurities, RL makes a point, there’s not a lot of men that “want to be Stedman”.  [Insert sound of needle being yanked off the record here].  As if we are even comparing Kenya to Oprah – AWWW HELL NOPRAH!  Real talk – no matter how you cut the muffin, this relationship between Kenya and Matt is FRAUGHT WITH PERIL!

noprah

Now if all of this wasn’t enough to blow your shit-hole wide open, we check in on Phaedra’s travels and as she is on her way to Apollo’s prison, she receives a call from her office.  Apparently, they received a bomb threat at the law office via a suspicious package, which allegedly contained a grenade.  Counselor Parks maintains her cool despite the threat, calls mom and instructs her to secure the boys and to duck and cover!

Next week, Porsha is ready to start her family, Mama Joyce weighs in on the bomb threat as if Counselor Parks had it coming, and Kenya and Matt have it out in the driveway at Moore Manor.