Kiss Your Ass Goodbye

OHRS comes out in a rather somber mood, which we can attribute to the news that was all over the internet.  Gentle Giant Jermaine has been eliminated due to the discovery of a rap sheet, but our beloved host will get to all the juicy deets later.  Bring on da’ judges…Steven looks like a Mexican pimp and JHO is looking lovely in Tropicana orange.  OHRS descends the Hasbro’s slippery steps once again in the schoolboy vest and no tie.  It’s make Lisa feel old night 1983-1985 is the song range and contestants will select a song from year they were born.  They indulge us in baby photos of the judges and the photo of OHRS is just delightful, he was a little tubby bundle of joy.  Who knew he would eventually become a television ratings juggernaut.

First to take the stage is Dave Matthews and we find out that he had many health issues as a baby.  In a touching moment, his father gets choked up talking about him.  He discusses one of the health problems was that “three to four inches of his bowels were just dead”.  I am sure his son appreciated that being announced on national television. Dave Matthews comes in to speak with Jimmy Iovine and Will I am a Douche.  Dave Matthews announces he is on his way to surgery for kidney stones, but he will bounce back for the show.  He sings “Hard to Handle”, his performance is a bit hard to handle for me, he looks a bit under the weather, but the judges will cut him some slack.  You can tell he doesn’t feel 110%, oh wait , that’s Lou Ferigno on the Celebrity Apprentice…110%!  I am getting my shows mixed up.  Dave Matthews is a little lackluster for me, DAWG thought he was amazing, liked the cool, blusey, poppy feel.  JHO called him a natural and DAWG keeps chanting “after surgery!”  Steven tells him to watch his melody, but keep it up man.  Poor guy looks like he wants to chunder.

Jessica Sanchez is up next and apparently she was quite a diva as a child.  She would have tantrums to the point of fainting, but she had strong lungs.  She plans to “Turn the Beat Around” and Will I am asks her to punctuate the modulation.  Whatever the hell that means, but I am gravely concerned with her song choice because I am not fully convinced that Jessica loves to hear percussion.  Will calls her a “swaggernaut”.  Jessica has on sparkly bell bottoms and she looks like she is trying not to fall down.  Overall, the performance for me is a bit cruise ship and Steven thinks she strayed too far from her strong point, ballads.  The rhythm was a bit shady, but he digs her bedazzled pants. JHO agrees and DAWG echoes and the criticism is all constructive.

Hey Jun was always quite the comedian who got his sense of humor from his mother.  Hey Jun is singing “Right Here Waiting for You” and Will I am tells him to say “chance” not “chan”.  Fat chan that will happen.  Hey Jun asks Will for an autograph and for Fergie’s number.  The performance is a bit rough and he looks like he knows it.  DAWG jumps in first and did not enjoy, pitchy all over the place, JHO could feel his struggle and it got really beautiful for her.  Steven thought it was breathy and not great.  Beautiful must be the judges code word for “you sucked, but I don’t have the ballz to tell you.”

Elise is up next and she apparently was quite the troublemaker as a youngin’.  She has a second chance this week due to the judges save and she hopes to stay with the show with “Let’s Stay Together”.  Will I am reminds her to smile and they take the opportunity to put her side by side with President Obama singing the song.  Steven loves it, the rasp, the beauty, the soul…JHO thinks she showed America who she is.  DAWG says Elise is back and she was like butta.

Little Milli Vanilli is up next and it appears he always had very wild hair and he memorized the Music Man and did all the dances.  He is ready to punch his mother for releasing the home videos to the Fox intern.  Deandre hopes we feel the love, and settles on “Endless Love”.  Will I am says “don’t sing master blaster, be the master that blasts through the competition, then you will last until the next rendition.”  Mmmmmkay.  JHO says he sang it beautifully, but Jimmy and Will steered him wrong with the song choice.  Steven agrees and DAWG says Mariah and Luther sang the “I dunno what outta dat song”.  First “I feel old” moment of the night because when I hear that song, I think of Diana Ross and Lionel Richie!  Can I get a “holla?!?!”

Shannon Magrane sings next and as a child she sang about OHRS “Thumbelina” over and over.  Jimmy starts showing off some new phone, which plays music, but it is a shameless plug for AT&T.  She decides on “One Sweet Day”.  Will I am suggests singing laying down so she can practice breathing.  She is dressed very strangely again, it’s like a combination of Liza Minnelli and a cruise ship worker.  I’m not terribly impressed by her, but judges look happy.  JHO really liked it, Steven said she does her best when she isn’t trying so hard, DAWG uses his phrase of the night again “Maria sang the I dunno what outta dat song”.  Blah, blah, blah…NEXT…

Colton Dixon made time in his schedule for us tonight and he flaunts his twit pic with Chris Daughtry, who he got to meet for dinner the other night.  Colton was a great baby, a star pitcher, musician, etc.  His father is so proud because he put 110% into everything he did, just like the Hulk, Lou Ferigno.  Tonight he will be singing “Broken Heart” by White Lion.  Wha?  Will I am even said nobody knows the song and they are going to put Colton’s twist on the song, “He’s slam dunkin’ like Vladimir”.  OYOY!  If Colton’s twist was to make this sound like a bad 80’s hair band song, well then he pulled it off.  White Lion…in case you missed it:

JHO gives some mercy applause and dives right into the criticism.  She calls Colton a “lover” and felt he was so into the song and he looked so pretty.  Jeezuz Jenny, talk about taking it too far.  DAWG humors her, but Steven is out of patience.  In the first amicable stand-off of the season, Steven skewers the douchekebab and simply says it was the wrong song for him and he didn’t feel it.  DAWG called it “dope” and said he was consistent, always in the zone.

EVP is up next and her mom reflects on how Erika was always loud.  She’s going for “Heaven” and plans to rock it out.  At this point, if I didn’t have to write this column, I think I would be dozing off in my plush neck pillow.  This has been a really boring show tonight.  Erika finishes and she knows she sucked, Steven said it was “too busy” and JHO didn’t like the arrangement, but compared her to Janis Joplin.  DAWG liked it and gave it an 8 out of 10, but if it wasn’t broke, why try and fix it with some weird, kitschy, jerky arrangement.  Well said, DAWG, well said.

OHRS is ready to break the about Gentle Giant, Jermaine.  Jermaine was summoned to Principal Lythgoe’s office after school to discuss his priors.  Charged with using a fake name to evade criminal charges, not once, but twice.  There are active warrants are out for his arrest, but there’s no judgment here, they just wish he had been up front about it.  Jermaine denies that he was in a fist-fight, blah blah blah.  Still doesn’t really explain falsifying his identity and well, four active warrants for his arrest don’t really bode well here.  Warrants are not like votes, more is not better.  As he walks out, they play a brief clip of his rehearsal.  Oh, what could have been…NOT.  Take your sweater vest and go home. 

Skylar is ready to pick up the pace here and OHRS points out that Skylar was born in 1994, which was the same year Aerosmith was enjoying the success of their “Get A Grip” album.  I just can’t catch a break, I feel so totally old as I realize I am wearing my “Get A Grip” concert tee that I purchased when I saw Aerosmith on that tour.  Ah…the good ol’ days, back when tee shirts were made to last 18 years!  Hey it doesn’t have any holes in it, yet.  But I digress, little Skylar was a “mess” as her mother puts it, her father says Skylar would get mad and bang her head into the wall or sidewalk.  Sounds really healthy.  Skylar will sing “Love Sneakin’ Up on You”, which should be a pretty good pick if she can bring some funk to it.  Jimmy and Will are trying to talk her into some “Gountry”, (ghetto country) by singing a Coolio song.  She does her own thang and she looks fairly confident on the stage and gives a pretty good perf.  Steven parts his raggedy hair across his face and jumps in to say it was “beautiful”, JHO feels she is doing a disservice if she is not honest and reveals that she felt Skylar “really killed that”.  DAWG is keepin’ it real too, and says she did it well and rocked it.

Mantasia is ready to roll and in the “Totally Unnecessary Awkward Moment of the Night” sponsored by Coca Cola, OHRS presents Josh with a boat load of crawfish because Josh is from Louisiana and misses the crawfish.  OHRS eats one and then fakes a shellfish allergy.

Mantasia decides to sing “When a Man Loves a Woman”, Will I am feels his pain and has flash backs of being in church.  Our Mantastic Mantasia does it again and really delivers an effortless, soulful performance.  He’s got the squealing down and he gets the judges to their feet.  Once again blowin’ da’ roof offa da’ dump.  Love me some Mantasia.  I fully expected him to deliver the perf of the night and Steven says there are no words.  JHO said the best thing she’s ever seen on Idol and DAWG said he “blew it out da’ box”.  Phenomenal, incredible, on every level, crazy good.

Little Hollie Cavanaugh was born across the pond, which explains her accent.  “The Power of Love” is her song choice and Will I am was blown away by her power.  Again, an effortless, strong performance.  JHO said with her and Josh they “saved the best for last.”  Steven said it was a bit pitchy here and there, but beautiful.  DAWG said she was in her “wheelhouse” and she blew it out da’ box!

It’s time for cuts, OHRS put on a tie for us tonight and JHO is dressed straight out of the Barbie Stage Show wardrobe line.  OHRS wastes no time in flaunting some photos that JHO did for Vogue.  She uses the floor to promote her new single and video she has coming out.  So if that shameless self-promotion wasn’t enough, we now see that Tommy Hilfiger is going to be the image consultant to the contestants.  He needs to get to work on Shannon Magrane…STAT.

OHRS summons Dave Matthews, Elise, Skylar, and Mantasia to center stage.  Jimmy said Dave Matthews gave a new definition to the word “sick day” at Idol, he has much faith in Skylar, Elise blew him away, and Mantasia had a big moment.  Jimmy said Percy Sledge even called to say he loved it.  Wow…OHRS actually reads an e-mail from Percy saying how much he loved it.  I think Josh just won, no matter what the outcome.  Elise is the only one in the group in jeopardy.

Milli Vanilli, Colton, Shannon, and Jessica face the music next.  Jimmy explains that they suggested songs for Milli, but he didn’t deliver and not everyone gets a trophy and an orange slice.  Wha?  Jimmy understands why Steven was hard on Colton, but he didn’t appreciate the DAWG’s comments about the song.  Maybe Colton will get an orange slice.  Shannon pushed too hard and showed her weaknesses and Jessica has Jimmy’s support, 1000%.  Not just 110%…take that Lou Ferigno!  Jimmy states that if Jessica goes home, we should all go home.  Shannon doesn’t make the cut and takes a seat with Elise on the stools of death.

Hollie, EVP, and Hey Jun are up next and Jimmy gives Hollie straight A’s except for how the wardrobe department dressed her.  Hey Jun did not get rave reviews and Jimmy wants him to kick up the tempo and EVP over sang and Jimmy is just having a heyday ripping into DAWG’s comments.  EVP is the only one in danger.

JHO is not a happy camper with the results and Steven adamantly agrees.  He says something about “finding its hen’s teeth” and judges are baffled over Elise being in the bottom three.  OHRS remedies that in a hot second and sends her back to safety.  EVP is also safe and Shannon sings for her life in case the judges decide to use the save.  Sorry to say Shannon, there is no way in hot hell the judges will pull out the save this early in the comp.  After last season, I have a feeling the judges save will be reserved for much later in the comp. or if Jessica Sanchez is ever in danger.  Boring week, boring season, I hope it gets better.

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Taming the Beast

Tonight the contestants will sing the song stylings of Whitney Houston and Stevie Wonder.  Judges enter and JHO is wearing some really tight, high waisted, white pants that would make Michael “that crotch is insane” Kors go bananas.  OHRS descends down the Hasbro’s slippery steps and he is wearing that damn vest with no tie again, what gives?  His stylist must be mad at him.

He introduces the girls and they all parade out in their sequined frocks.  The boys follow and OHRS has “breaking news”, it’s the guys vs. the girls.  It will be sudden death tomorrow night as the bottom guy and girl will face the judges for a cut.

Mary J. Blige is in da’ house to mentor the gang along with the next best thing to Simon Cowell, Jimmy Iovine.  Mantasia is starting us out with “I Wish”, which is a great tune and I have full confidence that Joshua can blow the roof off the dump.  Mary J coaches Josh to get it on and poppin’.  He’s poppin’ all right, he’s bouncing around like a Mexican jumping bean, a little runnin’ in place and he’s golden.  DAWG loved it and says the song is right in his wheelhouse, JHO puts up her fist like she wants to punch him and she noted his Mantasianess in his movement, Steven explains why JHO wants to punch him and says it was…beautiful.  Ugg…that word is tired.

Sidebar:  DAWG is sporting some “pop jewelry” on his jacket tonight, it’s a pin that has a sad face girl on it reminds me of Lite Brite.

Elise is singing “Greatest Love of All” and Mary J looks puzzled by her rendition of it and they recommend changing the song to “I’m Your Baby Tonight”.  Elise starts to loose her confidence and Mary J tells her that her voice is so dope and she just has to get out there and do it, but can she?  I wasn’t thrilled with her performance and I don’t think she is either.  JHO grasps for words and knows Elise struggled, “Whitney is a beast”.  Elise frowns and looks like the cheese fell off her cracker.  Steven agreed it was not a good choice and DAWG concurs, saying she was “boxing” with the song.  Wah wah…sad face, just like DAWG’s jewelry.  Elise chats with OHRS about how she doesn’t know the song at all, didn’t have enough time, it was kinda bunk that she had to change songs at the last minute.

Gentle Giant Jermaine is singing “Knocks Me off My Feet” and Mary J tries to help him with his flow of words and Jimmy likes the “timbre of it”.  Jermaine is not my favorite and you can see JHO shifting in her seat like she is uncomfortable.  Steven said the song fit him “like an Armani suit”.  JHO compliments his personality and wants to see him connect with the song more and relax, DAWG starts speaking in tongues and basically all I got out of it was “I did not enjoy…just bein’ real…good lookin’ out”.  Well, I concur DAWG.  OHRS looks soooo small next to Jermaine, it’s actually quite cute.

Erika Pelt can Belt sits with OHRS to discuss her second chance, he is perched on the stool staring at her intently.  “I Believe in You and Me” is her song and Mary J says her voice is like “steak and potatoes”.  She does a very good job, DAWG discussed JHO’s goosies, he calls her amazing and unbelievable.  JHO thinks she is still playing it safe and she wants her to let loose, Steven echoes the sentiment and says it was “beautiful”.  OHRS reveals her new nickname “EVP”, we like it, we’ll go wit’ dat.

Colton Dixon is doing “Lately”, which Jimmy says is “not his wheelhouse”.  Mary J kinda looks depressed like she doesn’t know what to say to him.  I am not a big Colton fan, don’t care for the skunk do, the skinny legs, the fact that he stole his sister’s thunder by deciding to upstage her audition, and I just don’t think he’s that great.  JHO is shouting “yes, yes”, Steven says it’s outstanding, JHO felt he really overcame his challenges, DAWG said it wasn’t “picture perfect”, but the last eight bars were flawless.  OHRS liked the “smoldering eyes” at the end.

Shannon Magrane will sing “I have Nothing”.  Mary J can see her thinking and tells her to stop running and just sing the song.  Wardrobe department went crazy on her with that goofy shirt that looks like it was inspired by the Seychells Islands national flag. (Project Runway All-Stars Fans will get this)

She hit a lot of really rough notes and her voice bottomed out on her at one point.  Quite frankly she didn’t pull this off at all in any way, shape, or form.  JHO calls her “sweet baby” her thinking got the best of her.  Shannon couldn’t help it, so much pressure and that Bumpit was squeezing her brain!  Steven noted the nerves and the crash-n-burn at the turnaround.  DAWG notes the melody was off with the band as well, and it derailed from there.  She shakes it off and will carry on.  She needs to work on her posture, she slouches because she is so tall.

Milli Vanilli joins OHRS on the Coca Cola stools of death and he will be singing “Master Blaster”.  Mary J wants him to belt it and not be so pretty.  He’s got the rasta vibe going on, he descends the green, red, and yellow flashing Hasbro’s slippery steps, he hops around with his springy curls, and he does an okay job.  We are about half way through the show and I am still waiting for anyone to blow my socks off.  Steven starts off and says he’s the “male Naima”…oy vey, ugh and he says beautiful AGAIN.  JHO liked his swag and performance and said he “bought it from the beginning”.  I think she meant to say “sold”.  DAWG was feelin’ it and it was so good they didn’t want it to end.

Skylar is up next with “Where Do Broken Hearts Go?”  Mary J tells her to tone it down a bit and Jimmy said she fell right in the pocket.  Okay, finally, Skylar blows it out of the dump.  She hits some really good notes and makes it her own.  JHO says she is the definition of composure, a bit nasaly at first, but delivered the biggest moment of the night (so far).  Steven says it was beautiful, someone please expand Steven’s vocabulary.  With all the goofy shit he constantly says, you would think he could come up with more than “beautiful” to critique every contestant!  DAWG liked the end and he loved that she can sing any song.

Hey Jun is ready to take the stage with “All is Fair”.  He’s does an okay job, again nothing fantastic.  And if I have to hear that it was beautiful, I’m gonna stroke.  JHO says she loves him and Steven says he was fantastic, DAWG said not perfect, but really good.  Fair enough…

Hollie Cavanagh is singing “All the Man that I Need” and she plans to let her hair down this week.  Mary J thinks she will steal the show and I concur.  She is fantastic and she has a crazy spiky ring on that could put an eye out.  DAWG said she nailed it, JHO thinks she could be in the finals, and Steven agrees.

Jer-Bear is signing “Ribbon in the Sky” and based on rehearsals, it’s lookin’ rough, his nerves are getting to him.  Super rough, JHO looks like she wants to cry, Steven said beautiful and velvety smooth, JHO used beautiful again, DAWG said it wasn’t his best, it was a difficult song.

Jessica Sanchez is taking on “I Will Always Love You”.  She makes Mary J shriek with delight and Jimmy feels she nailed it.  Let’s see…holy ballz the girl was flawless.  I think we have our performance of the night.  Standing O, JHO jumping, high waisted pants creeping, guyliner running, slam dunk!  DAWG calls her legit and one of the best in the competition and Steven said she is “the one” and she made 40 million people cry.  She really was amazeballz.

Dave Matthews rounds out the night with “Superstition”.  Jimmy and Mary J think he is a great combo of singer and musician.  The performance is rockin’, but largely due to the band.  Steven calls him an interesting character, there are no words, “you just are”.  JHO thought he killed it and DAWG thinks he is different and he likes the “indie spirit”, he drives his own car in his own lane, and the DAWG loves it.

It’s night two and decision time.  JHO and DAWG stroll out hand in hand, while Steven limps along, OHRS deftly descends the Hasbro’s slippery steps.  Judges will make the cut, one contestant between the lowest scoring girl and guy.  We are treated to the cheezy group number and the shameless Ford Fiesta plugs.  Now that we have all that nonsense out of the way, let’s get to the gut wrenching results.

Jessica, Elise, and Holly are up first.  We flashback quickly, Elise took a powder, Holly nailed it, and Jessica, well little Jessica blew the lid off the dump!  Jimmy Iovine commented that Jessica’s performance was probably the best on American Idol, period.  Wow…needless to say Jessica and Holly are safe and Elise takes the first stool of death.

Hey Jun, Gentle Giant, and Colton are summoned center stage.  Jimmy felt Hey Jun showed too many flaws, he felt Colton was not true to himself, and the Gentle Giant had an internal battle going on, which he lost.  Colton and Hey Jun are safe and Gentle Giant busts a deuce with the second stool.

JHO gets a shameless plug for her new show Que Viva!  She says it’s amazing, crazy, wild, and all Latinos.  It’s on Saturday nights, which is not the best time slot, so she’ll be cancelled in a month.  OHRS welcomes Lauren Alaina back to the Idol stage to sing.  Our little Lauren still looks as cute as a button, but the hair is a little too blonde and I’ve seen better extensions on “Dancing With the Stars”.

EVP, Shannon, and Skylar are up next.  Jimmy felt Pelt can Belt, Shannon’s nerves did a number on her, and Skylar’s nasaly voice won Jimmy over.  Skylar is the last girl safe and Shannon and our EVP are sent to the stools.

Dave Matthews, Jer-Bear, Mantasia, and Deandre face their fate next.  Jimmy is worried a bit about Mantasia, Deandre was a pleasant surprise, Dave Matthews knows who he is, but the girls could outshine him, and finally Jer-Bear just didn’t deliver.  Dave Matthews and Deandre are safe, and Jer-Bear and Mantasia hit the bottom three.

Right before the commercial break OHRS places his hands on Mantasia and EVP’s thighs and releases them from the stool prison and they are sent to safety.  OHRS asks Steven who deserves to leave.  What is this?  The X-Factor?  Bitches…puh-leaze!  He decides on Jer-Bear, well at least he was man enough to sack up and give an answer.  OHRS asks to dim the lights, he approaches Gentle Giant to tell him he’s safe.  Shannon is also safe, which leaves Elise and Jer-Bear facing the chopping block.  JHO announces the agonizing decision to save Elise and bid farewell to our huggable Jer-Bear.

American Adele

OHRS points out that a girl has not won the competition in five seasons, could this be the year of the girl?  Thank goodness OHRS is dressed like a normal boy today, no kiddie vest.  Seriously, last night he looked like a kid dressed up for picture day at school.  OHRS introduces the judges and I love how Steven always turns his back to the camera and waves to the fans who are sitting behind him.  It shows he is a stage performer and is still not used to being on camera at all.

First girl up is Chelsea Sorrell, who returns to Stokesdale, North Carolina.  Well I am stoked to know that fresh baby back ribs are on sale at the Bi-Rite!  Hot damn!  She takes on Carrie Underwood’s “Cowboy Casanova”.  She started out strong, but I thought she ran out of steam toward the end.  DAWG is hesitant about the song choice and wants her to set herself apart, JHO thought it was nasaly and acknowledges that it “sucks to go first”, Steven tells her to watch her phrasing and timing.  OHRS also noticed that she ran out of breath at the end.

Erika “Pelt Can Belt” is taking the stage next, but first we go to Rhode Island to see her family and watch her ride her scooter.  She takes on “What About Love”, JHO and DAWG are rockin’ out, Steven says her confidence is magical and she nailed it.  JHO called her a power voice, but wants her to let loose, DAWG gets an Adele vibe and loves the fact that she is a singing DJ.

Early standout Jen Hirsh is up next, we meet her daughter poodle Sadie in California.  Her family owns a vineyard, hmmm…maybe they know the Bachelor Ben, he’s a vintner, and a total drip, but that’s another show…“One and Only”, another Adele song, is her choice, but I find her a little flat, I know she can do better.  JHO thought it was beautiful and that she did let loose, Steven liked her confidence, DAWG likes her swag and thinks she’s one of the best this year.  OHRS comes on the stage to speak to Jen and she completely towers over him.  I know OHRS is short and small, but dang, you could fit him in a thimble.

OHRS asks the DAWG how he feels about the guys.  Hey Jun is sitting there with his mouth agape catching flies.  DAWG feels they were a little lenient on the guys and warned them that they will need to bring it.  The judges must have watched the tape back and realized they were total pushovers.

Staten Island is the rotten place that brought us Bri-Hell Von Hugel and her momager.  Bri-Hell is a cheerleader and looks like she is one of the “mean girls”.  That momager scares me on so many levels.  She looks like the type that would put a fish wrapped in newspaper on your doorstep.  Bri-Hell is “Sittin’ on the Dock of the Bay” with all of the guys team surrounding her.  I hope they got hazard pay.  Sorry in advance to any Bri-Hell fans, but this is the worst performance of the night and the show isn’t even half over.  Let’s see the judges navigate this one, Steven says she has a great sense of the blues, JHO thinks she is a true performer and she “eats it up”, DAWG felt she hit the “sweet spot” vocally and compares her to Janis Joplin.  Conclusion:  The judges are smoking mind-altering substances they confiscated from Dave Matthews’ dressing room.

Hallie Day from Maryland hopes to have us “Feelin’ Good”.  DAWG defers the critiquing to JHO who says it was beautiful.  Jeezus, drinking game alert…each time JHO says “beautiful” take a guzzlet of your beverage!  Uggh…Steven smarms “from day one, you know how I feel”, yes Steven, we know how you feel…can we say, Herpe check?

We head to Mississippi to visit with Skylar Laine where she goes four wheelin’ and works in her small family store.  “Stay With Me” is her battle cry.  She appears to be very comfortable on stage and she has some sass.  DAWG says she is rockin’, performin’, and shows star quality.  JHO loved the energy, compares her to Tina Turner gone country, Steven says she is a “pistol” and to keep it up.  Skylar is out of breath because her dress has her sucked in like stuffed sausage.  Well worth the effort.

Baylie Brown takes us on a tour of Texas where she was quite the athlete and we get to meet her grandfather.  She hopes we are all “Amazed” by her performance.  She is really shaky.  Steven says it wasn’t the best, but she is very pretty.  JHO says she’s BEAUTIFUL, also agrees she was shaky.  DAWG echoes their sentiments.

Hollie Cavanagh is another Texas native who gains inspiration from her family and friends.  I am somewhat confused because she speaks with an east coast accent like she’s from Boston.  Sidebar:  Hollie reminds me of the actress Laura Slade Wiggins, who plays the character “Karen” from the show Shameless, before the character became a raging bat-shit crazy slut.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Appropriately, “Reflection” is her song choice and she tears it UP.  Let me guess JHO, it was beautiful?  Steven says she was one of his favorites and he wants to see her let her hair down, JHO thinks she can win it, DAWG says she tried to slay the biggest dragon with the X-Tina song choice.

The Pride of Portland, Haley Johnson, hopes for “Sweet Dreams” with her take on the 80’s hit.  Annie Lennox has one of the most remarkable singing voices around and our poor Haley slaughtered it before she began.  She wins the “What the hell were you thinking?” award.  Somewhere Simon Cowell is sitting in a lounge chair, clutching his moobs through his tight gray baby gap sweater uttering the words “that was bad Karaoke”.  DAWG defers to JHO because he doesn’t want to say anything negative.  JHO skirts around it as best she can and gets booed, Steven says it wasn’t perfect, “but what in life is?”  He says “the money shots were on…spot on.”  I am going to leave that one alone.  DAWG calls it a nightmare, pitchy all over the place, and agrees with me that Annie Lennox was too intricate for her to take on, “this was a little train-wrecky for me today.”  True dat!

OHRS is standing with Joe McGrane and brings up the Steven Tyler incident. Steven cries “I didn’t mean it!” from the safety of his judging seat.  Shannon McGrane takes us to Tampa, Florida to show us how overscheduled and tall she is.  Shannon tries to “Light Your World” with her song, but the whole thing comes off totally pageanty, wardrobe choices and all.  This is like Toddlers-N-Tiara’s, the Teen Years.  DAWG said she came out swingin’ and likes her “Lauren Hill bravado”, err…what show are you watchin’ DAWG?  JHO has goosies, Steven says his “reality check bounced” and she took it up a notch.  I swear, Steven must have a random ass-hat comment generating machine in his pocket.

Jessica Sanchez is the first girl to sit on one of the Coca Cola stools of death and she discusses her swollen vocal chords with OHRS.  She finds her inspiration while shopping in California and sings “Love You, I Do”.  She gives it her best, considering her voice is injured, but I look forward to seeing what she can really do.  She gets the first standing O of the night and she is really shocked, which is good because that shows she is humble.  DAWG says “that girl can really sing” and gives her one of the best so far, JHO likes her swagger, her attitude, the growl, the soft spots, and her “body punctuation”, which oddly I completely understood.  Steven says her timing is exceptional and she is perfect.

Elise Testone is gets her inspiration from South Carolina with “One and Only”, ALREADY SUNG by Jen Hirsh AND ADELE!  What is up?  We can appreciate Elise’s take on the tune with her heavy, smoky voice.  Damn, she could smoke those Bi-Rite baby back ribs with that voice!  Steven said she blew it out of the water, JHO thinks she is the best singer in the competition and DAWG echoes again.  He calls her a force to be reckoned with.  Elise reveals to OHRS that she has adorned her hair with the flowers she saved from her room service trays.  Hmm… and she’s thrifty to boot!

We tune in again for the THIRD night this week…it’s decision time, judges emerge and JHO is wearing a sequiny smock that barely covers her assets.  OHRS descends down the Hasbro’s slippery steps to take us through a massive cut of the contestants and narrow it down to the top 13.  Half the faces will be leaving… the “collective groan” sign lights up for the audience… each judge will get one wild card selection.

Chase, Dave Matthews, and Jer-Bear face their fate first, all three are just sick about it.  We flash back on the Tuesday night performances and I see that our AI tin-man, Jimmy Iovine, is back to give his feedback.  Jer-Bear’s nice personality isn’t going to cut it, snarks Iovine.  Chase is good looking, but that isn’t going to cut it either.  There was nothing fresh or original about him.  Damn Jimmy, harsh.  Dave Matthews wins approval of Jimmy, he would “sign this guy on the spot.”  Jer-Bear and Chase do not make the cut.  Dave Matthews gets the first golden stool.

Hollie Cavanagh, Bri-Hell Van Hugel, Hallie Day, and Jessica Sanchez are up next.  Jimmy says Hollie has promise, Bri-Hell has charisma but he is baffled by her song choice, Hallie has a good voice, but he is concerned there are too many blondes.  Jessica is another that Jimmy would sign on the spot and she is the one to beat.  Bri-Hell and Hallie are out and Hollie and Jessica are in.  Saw that coming a mile away.  Somewhere, Bri-Hell’s momager is having a stroke.

“Mantasia” Joshua Lidet, Hey Jun, and White Chocolate are summoned front and center.  Jimmy thought Joshua was the real deal and Jimmy will make sure he doesn’t turn in to Sister Act 3.  White Choco doesn’t impress Jimmy at all and neither does Hey Jun.  No surprises here, Mantasia is through and in a slightly surprising twist, so is Hey Jun.

Baylie Brown, Chelsea Sorrell, Skylar Laine, and Shannon McGrane take the hit next.  Jimmy likes Skylar, good charisma and stage presence.  Baylie was out of tune and Chelsea was Carrie Underwood Karaoke.  Jimmy felt Shannon was a good performer, but needed help in the styling department.  What did I say last night?  Too pageanty!  Spiff it up for next time, Shannon.  Joining her is the sassy, spunky Skylar.

Aaron Marcellus, Crouton, and Grim face the music next.  Jimmy’s take on Reed is indeed Grim, way to kitschy and cabaret.  Jimmy calls Aaron cheezy Don Cheadle and Jimmy also prefers his salad without croutons.  Geez Jimmy, did you take your Simon Cowell pill today?  DAWG gives Jimmy a pass on his harsh comments because he realizes the judging was too lenient, which it was.  Sidebar:  Reed is creepily stroking Crouton’s moob while they wait for OHRS to announce the results, WTF?  Aaron doesn’t make the cut and the two goofballs join him.  The audience boos, but I have to say I agree with that batch of rejection.

Jen Hirsh, Pelt can Belt, Haley Johnson, and Elise Testone step up to receive the news.  Jimmy likes Jen, but not a fan of the Adele wannabes and I think she may have blown it with that song choice.  Pelt has won Jimmy’s approval and he felt she showed great restraint and she was in the “pocket”.  Train-wrecky Haley was a nightmare for Jimmy as well, out of tune and “robotic mimicking.”  Elise won over Jimmy’s cold, black heart with her Adele rendition.  Elise is the last girl through.

Milli Vanilli, Eben, Colton Dixon, and Gentle Giant are the last of the men and there are two spots left.  Jimmy is a fan of the Giant, sees a lot of potential in Milli, Eben is talented, but not ready for prime time.  Jimmy made a comment about Eben not being able to come back because it’s against the rules, which confuses me because we have a ton of re-treads this year!  Jimmy finds Colton talented, but he needs to pace himself.  Milli and Eban are sent packing, Colton and Gentle Jermaine are in.

The judges have duked it out and they are giving the first second chance to Jen Hirsh and she bangs out a mediocre performance.  Jer-Bear is up next delivering an emotional performance, rousing tears from JHO.  Surprisingly, Bri-Hell Von Hugel gets another chance and she attacks OHRS in the process.  I think momager intimidated the judges.  Holy ballz, she does an ADELE song…WTF?  Seriously!?!?  Thank you Bri-Hell, you have just sealed your fate, with a kiss.

Milli Vanilli gets another go at it and the judges are pleased.  Pelt belts out a Lady GaGa tune and I am not too sure that was the best choice for her.  The final second chance goes to Grim and OHRS officially bids adieu to the rest of the gang.  Grim starts to disrobe and makes OHRS a bit nervous.  He busts out his last ditch effort, which is nothing more than a bunch of skatting rather than singing.  Unfortunately, he is so odd, I think the judges might haul him back.  DAWG goes for Pelt can Belt.  JHO’s reinstatement vote goes to Jer-Bear, no surprise there, she adores that kid.  And who will crazy Steven go for…Milli Vanilli.  I am so glad, sorry Grim fans, but I just couldn’t take him.  I am a bit disappointed that Jen Hirsh didn’t make it, but I will gladly say farewell to Grim and Bri-Hell.

Next week Mary J. Blige will mentor, boys take on Stevie Wonder and girls will put on their pageant best and tribute the late, great, Whitney.

Can I Get an A-MEN!?!?

The semi-finalist men are in the hot seat tonight and the judges enter prepared to give critique, tears, standing O’s, and hopefully safe wardrobe choices.  JHO appears to be fully clothed tonight.  I saw the areola slip on the Oscars Sunday night, thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, but anyhoo…OHRS shows off the new stage, introduces the band, all while wearing a three piece suit without a tie…hmmm…odd choice.

DAWG is sporting a button down shirt with a collar so high and stiff, it almost looks like one of those cones they put around a DAWG’S neck to keep it from licking wounds.  OHRS also takes note of at JHO’s Sunday night wardrobe malfunction, but that couldn’t be avoided.  Steven is a little low key this evening, but that is probably because the girls have the night off.

Each finalist can choose any song they want and they were allowed to take a trip home with a camera to show us more about them and get some inspiration.  Reed Grimm takes a trip back to Wisconsin and he talks about cheese and changing his two niece’s dirty diapers.  All that inspiration and he comes up with “Moves Like Jagger”?  He performs a slower version of the song, adding his attempt at a Maroon 5-ey touch, but it’s a grim attempt.  Sorry, can’t help the grim jokes.  He goes a little Sheila E. on his li’l bastard drum kit, loses his mic pac, and manages to sound like a bad Holiday Inn Express lounge act.  DAWG likens him to Casey, JHO likes the Grimm jazzy spin on the tune, and Steven liked the shuffle in his step.  Sidebar:  Seriously wardrobe department, why would you put that vest on OHRS?

Adam Brock a.k.a. White Chocolate returned home to cook a gourmet dinner for his friends, play the piano, and spend some time with his family, and adorable dog I might add.  He pounds out a mellow version of “Think”, Steven likes his nickname, JHO likes the big finish, DAWG likes the 70’s throwback vibe and the Pittsburgh pride.  Good lookin’ out…

Deandre Brackensick a.k.a. Milli Vanilli returned to California to show off his sister, who is also a singer and probably a future contestant.  “Reasons” is his song of choice and it gives me reasons to have hope.  He has a very unique sound and the judges go wild, JHO calls his voice perfect, DAWG calls him very commercial and unique.

Colton “I’m not here to audition” Dixon is up next and he returned to Tennessee to gloat visit his family and get inspired.  He sings “Decode” and plays the piano for a bit and then attempts to rock it out like he’s Adam Lambert.  JHO looks concerned, worried, afraid…I am not a fan of Colton or the skunk living in his hair.  DAWG is happy he is back and loves the variety Colton showed, JHO wants to see more of his heart, Steven is happy to finally see his talent.

Jeremy Rosado is up next and is the first to sit on the stools of death with OHRS and chat about his song.  Jeremy has been nicknamed the “spirit stick” of the group and we get to see his quick visit to Florida to seek inspiration.  We see Jeremy in action at the germ clinic and we see the “Gravity” of the situation, thus inspiring his song choice.  Jeremy is the first to make use of the Hasbro’s Slippery Steps, he descends down to the stage with his softer side   He hits the high note and JHO and Steven go to the waterskiing squirrel happy place.  OHRS reflects on their “melting faces”, Steven called it beautiful and commended him on his big heart, JHO calls him “Jer-Bear” and says he is blessed by God, DAWG introduces Jeremy to America, reinforcing the fact that the fans don’t know who he is.  Either way, DAWG loves Jer-Bear’s “crazy sangin’!”

OHRS asks Steven how he is doing and he says he is “as confused as a baby in a topless bar.”  Wha, wha, whaaa?  He talks about JHO daring him to take his pants off and dive in the LaReve plasma pool and now JHO is “out pressing” him and then he fakes a sneeze and opens his shirt to expose his moob.  DAWG is still confused about the baby in the topless bar comment…me too DAWG.  JHO makes a last cry to the camera “there was no nipple!”  Right JHO, we know, it was your areola.

Sidebar:  OHRS is out growing that little vest as the show progresses, and Stevens Nip…in case you missed it:

Good Lord, enough of this nip-foolery…Aaron Marcellus is up next after his visit to New York where he teaches vocal and dance lessons.  He sings “Never Can Say Goodbye” and it doesn’t look like we will say goodbye.  He has a lot of control over his voice and shows a good range, JHO and Steven are rockin’ out and he gets the first standing O of the night.  DAWG calls his run CRAZY, JHO says “boy can sing”, and Steven says he’s the “whole package”.

Country Crooner Chase Likens is up next.  He takes a trip to West Virginia to show us his humble abode.  He has a penchant for whistling, horses, and singing “Storm Warning”.  He works the crowd and JHO is diggin’ it, Steven needs his bi-focals to focus.  Chase looks like someone, Steven thinks it’s Brendan Fraser.  JHO looks forward to seeing more, DAWG says he has range, skills, and good looks like DAWG and Steven.  Chase must be fairly tall because he makes OHRS look Lilliputian.

Crouton Fraker returns to New York to show us his garden apartment and runs around the city acting showing us his “True Colors”.  He is definitely not afraid to let his freak flag fly.  JHO calls it beautiful and it expressed his individuality, Steven called it stupendous, DAWG doesn’t know how they are going to lose half the guys after tonight.

Dave Matthews Phillip Phillips is up next and derives his inspiration from his home in Georgia.  “In the Air Tonight” is his pick and you can tell he is a Dave Matthews knock off because his stitching is sloppy, slanted, and uneven, and he came from a flea market.  I am a bit unsure if his style will be adaptable to what this competition throws at him.  JHO said the judges were talking about him and he is the one to watch, Steven says he hit his stride, DAWG agrees with me about the Dave Matthews thing and wants him to stick with the melodies more.  OHRS asks Philips boss and father what he thought “I told him to the best he could, do it every time he does it, and that’s what he tries to do, and you can tell it.”  “Well said”, quips OHRS.

Eben Frankewitz from Ohio shows us he is outgoing, funny, and does his chores.  He plans to “Set Fire to the Rain”, which I have to say is a ballzy move.  Oh Eben, Eben, Eben…Newsies called, they need you back on the set.  DAWG is straining to enjoy it and calls him “mad young” and cool and collected.  It wasn’t all perfect, flat notes, but he held it together.  JHO was impressed with him and Steven called his voice “true and straight”, advised he listen to some blues records and “shake it off a bit.”  Uggh…Steven…don’t forget the lotion and Kleenex.  I just sickened myself.

Hey Jun makes a visit to New York to find some inspiration and he gets his mom to do a little happy dance on camera.  He plans to melt hearts with “Angels”.  Wardrobe has put him in a little vest as well, they must have been on sale in the dollar bin at Goodwill.  JHO didn’t think the song showed his voice off very well, “but there’s no denying you can blow”.  Steven and DAWG agree.  OHRS and Hey Jun look like twins in their vests.  How cute…

Joshua Ledet takes the stage next and OHRS reveals his nickname is “Mantasia”.  Ok, cool…we’ll go with dat!  Josh goes back to Louisiana to make a smoothie and from that we have “You Pulled Me Through”, a J-Hud hit.  Hey, a good smoothie always pulls me through too.  JHO stares with thoughtful intent, Steven rocks side to side like a mental patient, DAWG is lovin’ it, pumpin’ that diva hand.  Second standing O of the night, Mantasia is a man to watch!  DAWG asks if we can get an “AMEN” up in here, JHO is somewhat speechless and says she wants to punch him…err?  Steven says he is the voice the world has been waiting to hear, as he strokes the bird living in his hair.  Well DAWG…you can get an AMEN up in here…that was the performance of the night!

The judges bring back gentle giant, Jermaine Jones, to round out the baker’s dozen, however the poor sap doesn’t stand a chance after that last performance.  Jermaine is also sporting a vest and a bow tie and has a go at “Dance With My Father”.  Judges give him the third standing O of the night.  DAWG is excited about his baritone voice, JHO and Steven call him beautiful.

Judgment Daze

It is final judgment night on AI and hopefully I can cobble together something resembling an entertaining recap.  I’m not going to lie, my good readers…it’s been a struggle with this incredibly boring season so far.  The contestants are still in Las Vegas and the remaining 42 contestants had to sing one last time on the “La Reve” stage for the judges before we pare down to the top 24.  It’s go time and the judges will need to accept or reject each contestant while sitting above the bubbling, smoky plasma pool.  Can JHO survive?  Can Steven and DAWG find the right words to console her?  Who will be left in the deadly pool of plasma, never to be heard from again?  So many questions…only three agonizing hours that I will never get back…

One of my early favorites, Jen Hirsh is up in the hot seat first.  We get a quick flashback to her time with Idol and her final solo performance.  Her performance was a bit sketchy, so nerves abound.  DAWG waits so long to tell her, she is about to cry, but he finally breaks his stony silence and tells her she made it.  Even Steven gripes that he strung it out too long.  Big score for the girls, Jen is going places.

Creighton Fraker takes the walk of doom to learn of his fate.  He’s a bit quirky, not one of my top picks, let’s see if he’s a DAWG-DO or a DAWG-DON’T…but wait he has this goofy backstory, he found out his birth father was the lead singer for an 80’s hair band called Flotsam and Jetsam.  What are the freakin’ odds?  Don’t answer that…JHO gives him a schpeel that even I am not paying attention to, but Creighton Crouton made the cut.  And let’s face it, he is like a crouton, you get half way through your salad and you realize…you forgot the croutons, and you think “aww…screw it”!  Translation:  Forgettable.  This crouton does nothing for me:

Lauren Gray, another early stand out, takes a moment to reflect with OHRS in the Coca Cola Lounge of Dreams.  She hopes to get through to fulfill her own and her father’s dreams that he was never able to realize.  Pegi Blu rode her like a cheap freakin’ suit during the auditions and got Lauren up to par.  Her voice is smokier than the waters pumping out the blurple fog beneath her.  DAWG says, you’re like family, more difficult for you, inside your own head, wanna talk about that a bit?  What is this DAWG therapy, get to the point already!  Holy ballz, she did not make the cut.  Damn, minus one for the girls.  In a rare moment of sincerity, OHRS says he really hopes she will come back, but after tasting the bitter pill of rejection, our Little Lauren is not so sure.

Joshua Ledet is heading into the torture chamber.  DAWG launches into this thing about the best singers that don’t make it, blah, blah, blah…Joshua made it.  He wails an “Amen” and a “Hallelujah”.

Blaire Sieber and Naomi Gilles are given DAWG-DON’TS and are sent walkin’.  I guess that is okay considering I didn’t recognize or remember either one of them.  As our beloved Simon would say “forgettable.”

Hayley Johnsen hits the hot seat and she discusses how much confidence she has gained in herself.  DAWG keys in on that and Steven delivers the good news.

Neco Starr has tried to appeal to JHO throughout the auditions, but will she remain faithful, or will she turn on him like a rabid DAWG…he doesn’t make it and JHO explains he is still a “Starr”, he just needs more work.

Clayton Farhat also accepts his fate, as he didn’t make the cut.  River St. James has also shown growth, but not quite enough.  Caleb Johnson totally botches his final audition, almost painful to watch.

Elise Testone is ready to hear the good word.  She’s sultry, she’s edgy, she’s in!  Score another heavy hitter for the ladies.

Reed Grimm and all of his squirrelly quirkiness is up next.  They show some old video of Reed as a child performing, but will this lifelong performer make it to the Idol stage???  DAWG calls him “mad talented” and he is through.

Erica Van Pelt delivered her final performance and fell a little flat.  JHO gives her a critique and points out that her performance was difficult, but they have taken into account her body of work and they give her a chance.

Chelsea Sorrell takes her seat in front of the judges and she is a bundle of nerves.  They drag it out and Steven tells her she already knows the answer, she is going through.

Her country pal Baylie Brown is up for judgment next.  Baylie auditioned five years ago and she has been significantly better, but her final performance was a bit weak.  Steven comments on her lack of consistency, but she is going through.

Richie “the Cowboy” Law is on the chopping block and we are treated to a flashback of him laying down his own laws and clashing with other contestants.  DAWG drops the bomb that he didn’t make it, but offers him encouragement to come back and try again.  HeeJun is having party inside his own head.

HeeJun Han sits with OHRS in the Coca Cola pressure cooker lounge.  HeeJun is sweatin’ it and OHRS asks what exactly he is sweatin’ and HeeJun says “uh…mostly water.”  If anything, keep this kid around for his sense of humor.  Love me some HeeJun, and he’s not a bad singer either.  He says if he makes it he will hug and kiss JHO and that is “every Asian man’s dream right there”.  Really, so Asian men fancy a sassy Puerto Rican?  Hmm…learn somethin’ new every day.  Steven tells him he is more of a star than a singer, but delivers the good news and he will now be known as HeyJun, as he walks off to the song “Hey Jude”.

Jessica Sanchez is up next and OHRS tells her to “get it girl”, I have a feeling she will because she can really sing.  We see her entire final performance, Steven makes the waterskiing squirrel face, and she makes it.  I would have been shocked if she didn’t, she really stood out in the group round.  Another big score for the girls, but she is only 16 and could fall into the Thia Megia trap.

Phil Phillips reflects on his extremely stressful experience during Hollywood week.  Will he make it or will it be back to a life at the local pawn shop?  DAWG is draggin’ it out a bit, but JHO ain’t in the mood and she tells him he’s in.

Colton Dixon faces the wrath of the judges next.  Will his continual upstaging of his sister be rewarded?  Will the skunk living in his hair make it through the pressure?  He dedicates his final audition performance “Fix You” to his sister Schylar.  Well Colton, you could maybe fix her if you would have just let her have her moment.  I kid…I kid…DAWG delivers the good news.  Colton finally made it and Schylar is proud of him.

Brielle Von Hugel, the girl with the momager from hell, is up next.  While momager yammers on to OHRS about her spray tan in a can, Brielle re-treads her way back to the judges, trying to make it again this year.  I am not too keen on her diva ways, but what will our Diva DAWG say?  Steven does most of the yammering and tells her she is in.  Meanwhile, her momager is still yammering on to OHRS, now about her outfit.  Really?  Like he gives a shit about your plebian ways.

Adam Brock faces his fate next and he is totally nerve-wracked.  He needs to channel his inner Diana Ross and stay calm.  I happen to dig him and hope the judges give him a chance.  He arrives on the hot seat with his lucky hanky, and it’s a good thing because he is quite emotional.  He sums up his entire existence in what he terms three words “I have to sing.”  Okay, so Adam said “hafta”, so he isn’t a math or an English whiz, but the boy can blow.  Steven delivers the good news and Adam falls to the floor in a slobbering ball of mess.  Major score for the boys.

Jeremy Rosado takes the march of death next, although we are shown his entire final performance, so I would guess he’s through.  JHO gives him a shpeel about how supportive he has been to his fellow contestants.  DAWG keeps peppering his commentary through out her speech… “cheerin’ ‘em on”, “good dude”, “big heart”.  He gets through with flying colors.  Score another for the boys.

Shannon Magrane gave JHO “goosies” during her final audition, and I am sure she’s a shoe-in.  Meanwhile, out in the holding room, OHRS reflects with Shannon’s parents on the totally inappropriate comment Steven made about Shannon.  Her dad says “everyone told me to ring his neck”, but he and his wife actually found it quite funny.  She is through, she jumps out of her chair and shakes off the nerves.  If it doesn’t work out she could always try out for America’s Next Top Model, she certainly has the height.

Scott Dangerfield is another re-tread that is returning after having to drop out last year.  I have no recollection of this kid whatsoever and I am not real keen on his shaggy do hair, it’s a shaggy don’t.  JHO is a fan of his, but it wasn’t enough for this year.  He walks off somberly muttering “it is what it is.”  Yes it is Scott.

A few more dreams are shattered and other contestants are having a lot of self-doubt, including Skylar Laine.  She is another very strong girl, sounds just like Reba McEntire, but is there room for another country female?  DAWG admires her consistency, Steven wants to Rock-N-Rollify her, and Skylar is through and promises to bring Steven some deer meat.

Hallie Day, Chase Likens, and another re-tread Aaron Marcellus all make it through as well.

Deandre “Milli Vanilli” Brackensick hits the hot seat next.  We are shown his final audition where he sings “This Woman’s Work”, which is one of my favorite songs, and JHO says she was dying to hear him sing that song since she heard his voice.  This is also his second time around and JHO has seen his growth and they ask him to stay.

Jermaine Jones is up for his moment of truth next, but he’s not really my cup of tea.  He performs his final audition in an argyle sweater vest without any shirt underneath, which is really rather odd.  But whatevs, it’s not Project Runway here.  His confidence is crumbling as he sobs into a tissue in the holding room.  This could be the kicker, the judges really want singers who believe in themselves and Jermaine is on a slippery slope.  DAWG notes his inconsistencies and says he needs more work, Jermaine is sent home to keep working on himself.  This rejection takes a toll on the judges and JHO tears up, but not enough to ruin her lashes.

Shelby Tweten, Ariel Sprague, and Hollie Cavanaugh face the judges together.  Steven announces that only Hollie made it through.  In keeping with the “rejecting in groups” theme, David Leathers Jr. a.k.a. Mr. Steal Your Girl and Eban Franckewitz march down the smoky, scary catwalk together.  JHO tells them only one is going through and it’s Eban.  David is crushed and DAWG tries to give him a pep talk.  As David sulks his way out, Eban skips out behind him gleefully.

DAWG says “it’s a wrap” and JHO says “I’m glad that sh!t’s over” as the AI censor button covers her mouth.  Well, I concur JHO, but wait…the shocking twist we were teased with throughout the last hour.  The judges are going to give someone a second chance and bring back a 13th boy.  It will be Jermaine, Cowboy, Johnny JHO Boy Toy, or David Leathers.  Oh and next week, Idol will be on three nights.  I really don’t know if I am ready for this type of commitment.

I don’t know about you, but I am exhausted.  The night would not be complete without Seven proceeding to strip down to his Fruit of the Loons and dive into the “La Reve” plasma pool.  Gotta give him props, he’s not ashamed of how he looks…moobs, rather feminine calves, saggin’ junk, and all.  In case you missed it…

Four on the Floor

Group rounds are up tonight, so maybe, just maybe, we will hear some signing.  Everyone is sleep deprived and cranky, but the show must go on.  We start with The Bettys, they have fought and barfed their way out of the darkness to take the stage.  Based on the facial expressions and Steven’s grumbling throughout the performance, I would say it’s a no go.  DAWG calls it “really bleak”.  Steven delivers the news that only two of The Bettys have made it.  One of the girls takes it pretty hard and she is violently ill in the bathroom.  The sounds and fluids coming out of this girls face are well…disgusting.  This is about as disturbing as…well, Steven and his junk.

Group Sauce is up next and the judges give them a standing O.  Good lookin’ out and they are all immediately through.  679 is up next and it’s all about Brielle and her momager.  Momager prays “please Jesus, I have to deal with her when she comes back to the room.”  What kind of prayer is that?  Sounds like that dynamic duo has bigger issues.  Anyhoo, JHO delivers the crushing blow here, Kyle is the only one not going through.

The Make You Believers are up first and they are all feeling healthy, until another guuuuurrrl down incident.  I guess Jaquie shouldn’t have hugged and twirled around the crazy sickly tent girl the day before and she also jinxed herself by saying “the only thing I caught was a good attitude”.  She will fight through her dizziness and nausea and perform.  Too bad none of her group members can remember the lyrics to their song.  OMFG…all I can say is what a hot ass mess.  DAWG is stunned and JHO says it was a little rough.   Mathenee is the only one going through.

Clearly, the wheels have fallen off this crazy train and groups are crumbling under the pressure, forgetting lyrics, making up words, and mumbling.  Those Girls and That Guy are up next with Alisha the dump truck cop.  DAWG chuckles, “a li’l rough”, and they’re all sent packing.  Of course, Alisha can’t leave without the last word and she offers herself as “personal security” to the judges.  Sell it down the road, toots.

Area 451 prepares for their time on stage, but Imani looks a little wobbly…annnnnnddd guuuuuurrrrl down!  They are trying to reconnoiter their group and Hollywood Five takes the stage first.  Judges are dancing along and appear to enjoy it, and they are five for five.  Area 451 regroups and Imani is going to try to perform.  She has already collapsed a second time on her way back to rejoin the group, but she is determined.  They start out really rough, forgetting lyrics, and then Imani collapses yet again.  OHRS rushes out with the medics to get her back up and seated to face the judges.  DAWG asks Bryce what was happening with the words and he can’t even find the words to answer.  Only Johnny Keyser, JHO’s golden boy is through.

MIT (Most International Team) takes the stage next where there are too many cowboys and not enough rodeo clowns.  Richie the cowboy stayed behind in the confessional to give his opinions about his group.  They have a few pitch problems, and they all get through but JHO gives a warning that they better all kick it up a notch.  Heejun comes clean about talking crap about Richie and apologizes for what he said.  Everything is okay at the corral (for now).

Day two starts out with Steven and the DAWG jammin’ with the Idol band.  The final 98 contestants will sing solo with the band and may play an instrument if they choose.  Joshua Ledet is up first and Steven asks him to “heal me”.  Judges enjoy his performance and he gets a standing O, but he’s not really my cup of tea.  Our recycled Coca Cola can of the season, Colton “I’m not here to try out, I’m just supporting my sister” Dixon is next, again not one of my favorites.

Phil Phillips is playing guitar and signing, he’s like a bad Dave Matthews knockoff that’s been steeped in skunky marijuana leaves and smoked through a bong made of a toilet paper cylinder and gum wrappers.  Jen Hirsh is up next and she delivers a sultry slow song, which makes Steven giggle.  She rakes in a standing O and a “boo-yah” from Steven.

Creighton Fraker gives it his all and another standing O.  Conversely, the next string of performances take a dive.  OHRS blames it on the rain.  Reed Grimm finds himself in a bit of a jam because he didn’t understand he had to perform with the band.  He only has 30 minutes to work on a new song.  The vocal coach is about ready to stab him because he can’t focus.

Shannon McGrane delivers a descent performance, but her outfit looks like she fell ass backwards into the $1.00 bin at her local Goodwill.  She is wearing what appears to be super short shorts, maybe a satin onsie with a Liza Minnelli glitter top.  Judges are all on their feet over the vocal so she goes through.  Wardrobe will have fun with her.

Reed is still working on his performance and the Idol Associate Music Director steps in for a vocal intervention.  Reed says he doesn’t know if it’s right and he needs to talk to his mom.  After some heavy Lamaze breathing and his pep talk, he takes the stage and decides to play the drums.  DAWG dubs him as another Casey as Reed begins his performance.  The judges are all rocking out and Reed apparently got his groove back.

Skylar Laine is up next and she is hoping to stave off the Idol bug long enough to squeak out her one minute performance.  JHO says she reminds her of Reba McEntire.  Steven says it’s the best performance of the day.  Rachelle Lamb nervously takes her mark and completely forgets her lyrics.  She starts over, but she isn’t sure how she fared.

Last up is Adam Brock and he plans to bring some “white chocolate” to the stage.  He gives a stellar performance.  DAWG asks Adam what the significance of the white handkerchief in his back pocket is.  Adam explains it belonged to his grandfather who passed away and the night before he passed, he told Adam “the show must go on”.  Adam kept it in his pocket and then Steven used it to mop his brow after the jam session.  I don’t think Adam needs any good luck charms.

The judges shuffle around the polaroid photos of the contestants to arrive at their final decisions.  The contestants are split in to the four agonizing groups.  Room one contains many of the heavy favorites, so no surprises here, they are all through.

Room three is another story and there’s a full-blown meow down about to break out because of a burp that Rachelle Lamb lets out.  The tension is high.

Room two gets the news next and they are going through.  They lower the boom on tense Room three, sending them home.  Steven gives them a little pep talk and tells them how he was booed off the stage many times when he first started.  Room four awaits their fate and they are through.

The show hits the road to Vegas for more cuts and appearance from Pegi Blu, the bat shit crazy vocal coach.  JHO announces to the gang that they will be singing music from the 1950’s.  They are all jammed on a bus headed to Sin City.  We are treated to a moment where a girl sitting behind Cowboy tickles his ear and he Steven Segal punches her ass right in the face.  They will be performing on the Viva Elvis stage at the Aria Hotel.  Nothing like shameless plugs for the hotel, and nothing like some of these little cheechako’s showing their naiveté by saying “we will perform on the stage that Elvis performed on.”  OY…a collective OY!

The first group does well on “Dedicated to the One I Love”.  JHO enjoyed the harmonies, Steven and JHO gave the country contestants props for stepping out of their comfort zones.  Coloton, Skylar, and Chase are the only ones through.

Sidebar:  I am not sure what Steven is wearing, but it looks like a metal bow tie or a Christmas decoration.

Some of the younger contestants are up next to sing “Rockin’ Robin”, which was written 30 years before they were born.  They struggled quite a bit in rehearsals, but they tweet it out pretty good.  DAWG delivers the news that they are all through.

Power house Adam Brock leads the next group in “Great Balls of Fire”.  This is a bit of a motley crew and they got stuck with the glitter queen who doesn’t impress me.  JHO thought it was fun and played to everyone’s strength.  DAWG announces one by one that they are all through, but he gives a long dramatic pause before delivering the news to the glitter queen.  Steven tells her “for a skinny girl you don’t have many tail feathers, but you sure shook ‘em, I just had to say that.”  Well Steven, I just had to barf…

The next girl group sings “Why do Fools Fall in Love” and they give a cute performance in their kicky li’l outfits.  Steven has a flashback and recalls “makin’ out to that song”, Steven please keep your personal exploits to yourself.  Schylar and Brielle are the only two going through.

The next group sings “The Night Has a Thousand Eyes” and Reed Grim gives a pretty creepy performance I must say.  DAWG seems to be enjoying it as his head is a bobbin’ and Steven is grinning ear to ear.  They get a standing O from the judges and they all go flying through.

The next up is the only group of two, it’s the Cowboy and Jermaine who are both baritones.  They found themselves the last two misfits that weren’t picked for kick ball, so they got together on “Make it Easy on Yourself”.  They pull it off, DAWG calls them the “brothers righteous” and judges put them both through.

Hallie, Baylie, and Chelsea make it through on “Be My Baby” and closing out the day on “It Doesn’t Matter Anymore” is another group being coached by Peisha McPhee, mother to Katherine McPhee.  Hmmm…wonder how she got this gig?  At any rate, the three take the stage and they get the judges a-rockin’.  DAWG is lovin’ it, Steven praises the Lord, they get a standing O, and Deandre a.k.a. “Milli Vanilli” and the two girls are through.

The judges summon everyone back to the stage and reveal that more cuts may be made at the end of day two, so the contestants who got through on day one may not necessarily be safe.  Now go put a condom on your head because you are being mind-f*cked!

The next group is performing “Jailhouse Rock”, JHO gives a little shimmy, but DAWG looks a bit weary.  After a bit of constructive criticism, only three of the four make it.  Continuing on the Elvis theme is “Hunk a Hunk a Burnin’ Love” an another group is though.  “Blue Suede Shoes” proves to be another success for only two out of the next group of four.

The next group of three decided to forgo rehearsal with the band and the vocal coach and laid down their version of “Keep Me Hangin’ On”.  More constructive criticism and it crashes and burns quickly.  Judges rattle off a ton of technical singing stuff and only two girls make it through.  Jessica is sent home and she’s pretty bitter about it, saying “they aren’t looking for real artists”.  Always a supportive thing to say in front of your fellow group members who did make it through.

Pegi Blu, the vocal coach from hell, is back to torture the contestants.  She is particularly hard on early favorite Lauren Gray.  They take the stage to sing “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow”, but only Wendy and Lauren get through.  Mathene gets his walkin’ papers.

Pegi don’t come to play!Heejun goes up against Pegi Blu and he is a bit scared.  The group will sing “I only Have Eyes for You”, they get JHO singing along and Steven closes his eyes and has visions of waterskiing squirrels.  All four boys make it through and they give props to Pegi and Mary for coaching them.  Heejun turns in to a ball of sobbing mess and he’s so happy to give his family good news.

Groove Sauce is missing one ingredient, Reed, but the show goes on and they perform “Sealed With a Kiss”.  DAWG is bobbin’ his noggin in approval.  Jen Hirsh is a heavy favorite and the boys were good too.  Only three get through and Nick is sent packing.

More cuts still need to be made, one of which is Schyler, Colton’s sister, Barbie Britnee, and JHO’s golden boy Johnny.  I guess Johnny should have been rehearsing instead of hanging out in the hot tub.  We are down to 42 and next week it looks like we zero in on the top 24, finally.

Guuuuurl Down

It’s Hollywood week, the competition, the drama, the passion.  The contestants pack up and head out to lay it all on the line.  “What makes the dawn rise with thunder, what makes the Sphinx the seventh wonder, courage.  What makes the hot in tot so hot, who put the A in Apricot, what do they got that I ain’t got, courage.”  Thanks for that Steven, and by the way…yes the noise in your head does bother me sometimes.  DAWG declares season 11 is “ON like Donkey Kong!”  Now that’s more my language.

Contestants start in groups of ten and perform without any feedback.  Sudden death round will send half of the contestants home.  The first group is up with two of the judge’s favorites, Johnny Keyser.  DAWG keeps going “mmmm…mmmm…Amen!”  Either he likes it or he is thinking about his next meal.  Heejun is up next and he belts out some Michael Bolton.  Judges are still making comments and JHO says he brought tears to her eyes.  Both boys live to see another day.

Elise Testone sings next and judges put up their diva hands.  Baylie Brown and Hallie Day give it a whirl and make the cut.  Jen Hirsh is up and her goal is not to fidget.  Steven goes to his happy place and doesn’t want her to stop singing.  Lauren Gray is so into her song that she doesn’t see the DAWG wave the double diva hands.  Both go through.

A string of girls hit some bad luck and beg for second chances to sing more.  Steven looks dumbfounded and DAWG is not so pleased.  Steven decides it’s time for a pep talk and wants to see more energy.  Phil Phillips rocks out first, I am not sure if he’s sounding so good and judges look blank.  Reed Grim does his thing, but I think it looks grim for him.  Travis Orlando is up next and judges appear to be mildly enjoying it.  Phil and Reed go through and Travis is rejected AGAIN.  You can’t help but feel for the kid, but in the end he probably wouldn’t have gotten far.

Judges continue to hand out walkin’ papers to the boy born without ears, The Wolfman, and the girl who gave Steven herpes of the mouth.

Adam Brock says he has a large black woman trapped inside his body and he sings “Walkin’ in Memphis” for JHO.  Jane Carrey is up next and falls flat and she knows it.  Adam is in, but Jane tanks worse than her father’s movie “Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events”.

Shannon McGrane is up next an she takes on “Fallen” by Alicia Keys.  Simon Cowell would be schvitzin in his little grey sweater if he were there.  Next up is the lady killer, David Leathers, Jr.  He sounds just like a young Michael Jackson, it’s kinda eerie.  He actually gets a standing O and Steven tells him he has ties that are older than him, which is a weird analogy because 1)  Aren’t all ties pretty much around forever and 2)  I have never seen Steven Tyler wear a tie.  I think this is as close as he gets to wearing a “tie”:

He should have said “I have scarves with drug pockets sewn in them older than you.”  But I digress…Jessica Phillips sings next and she’s a little over the top, but they all make it.

As we go to the commercial break we are teased with “one of the most shocking moments in Idol history” and then we see someone fall and hear an audio clip over the footage of Steven’s voice sounding stoned saying “aww…she hit her head too.”

Erica Van Pelt is up and she’s wearing a little vest that looks like she stole it off of her Raggedy Andy doll.  Creighton Fraker attempts a Queen song, and he sounds a bit nasaly for my taste.  Aaron Marcellus is up next and JHO is all excited about him.  All three sail into the next round.

Lauren Mink, the girl that works with disabled adults, is up next.  We have high hopes for her, but she changes keys and JHO is madder than a cat in a pillowcase.  Jeremy Rosato a.k.a. “Dirty” as nicknamed by the DAWG.  Turns out he is a front desk clerk at a doctor’s office for infectious diseases…annnnnnnnd…he’s a germophobe.  He says he’s “all germed up and ready to go”.  JHO is showing Steven her goosebumps, but he doesn’t look amused.  Symone Black is up next and something is going horribly awry with her, she can barely stand up, and she falls off the end of the stage.  Nigel Lithgoe walks in like this is par for the course and calls in his robotic voice three times “Medic please!”  OHRS and the rest of the judges flock around to rubberneck.

Sidebar:  Before Symone fell, DAWG was asking her why she chose the song she did and she said she wanted to appeal to an “older crowd”.  DAWG takes a bit of offense to this and asks if she thinks he’s old…C’Mon DAWG…don’t be so vein, you’re barely a teenager in DAWG years.

We’re back for the second round of cuts during group night.  The producers tease us with more fast-paced shots of various contestants laying on the floor, ambulances, sirens, and OHRS shouting expletives and pushing people out of the way.  I am sure it’s just fodder to keep me watching for the next 60 agonizing minutes.  All I know is they need to pick up the pace quickly, this has been a very boring start to the season.

We rehash Symone Black’s accident, yeah the incident that was cut off of the end of every DVR recording in America last night.  The remaining contestants form a prayer circle, DAWG leaps over the judging table to gawk…JHO jumps down to stare, because I am sure 80 people hovering over her is what Symone needs right now.  They get her some soda and saltines and she is off to the hospital.

Key changing Lauren Mink, Jeremy “Dirty” Rosado, and Ethan Jones await their fate.  Lauren and Ethan do not make it.  After all is said and done, 185 hopefuls must now choose up for the group round.  This is where the rubber meets the road, it separates the men from the boys…the pandemonium ensues as the day one and day two contestants have to form groups with members from both days.  It comes down to the last five misfits and they are arguing over their song choice.  Aggressive Alicia the cop is the odd woman out and she is scrambling to find a group to sing “Joy to the World”, but her bossy tactics aren’t working.  Annnnnd…the fact that these young kids think she means the Christmas song.  Haha!

Brielle Von Hugel is a second time auditioner, so she is bossing her group around as her Momager hovers over their rehearsal and shit talks to the camera about baby faced Kyle Crews, who is leading their group number.

Symone returns from the hospital, re-hydrated and ready to find a group.  She finally settles in to a group, but her Stage Dad won’t leave them alone.  He’s borderline creepy and Symone tells him to “get out of here” as he gathers the group together for a secret huddle.

Amy Brumfield a.k.a., Tent Girl has been sick all day.  She is craving fresh air that only living in a tent in the woods can provide.  It appears many of the other contestants are falling ill and throwing up into industrial sized trash bags.

Hejun and Richie the cowboy are not seeing eye to eye.  Hejun gets line of the night “I have a very bad perspective on cowboys, even Dallas cowboys.”

A girl group called “The Betty’s” starts falling apart.  Two girls stayed up the entire night practicing while the others slept.  The next day they are up first before the judges, but as my TiVo indicates, we are at the 58-minute mark of this excruciating hour and we will not see any singing tonight.

The entire episode is just about groups forming, practicing, catching bird flu, and puking into clear trash bags.  Tune next week for more puking, a little collapsing, and maybe some singing?  If these contestants don’t kill each other over their personalities or with their infectious diseases first!

Time to Make the Doughnuts

Idol is in Portland, OR for the next round of hopefuls.  Brittany Zika is up first and she talks about a recent experience where she sang “Gravity” on stage with Sara Bareilles.  She trips while walking up on stage and Steven takes the opportunity to cut up “did you fall for me?  God, I’m much too young to be this old!”  He has a half-up/half-down do and he does look rather youthful tonight.  Brittany says they call her “tripster the hipster”, she isn’t afraid to let her freak flag fly.  Judges are immediately sold on her bag o’ goods.  JHO says she has one of the prettiest voices, and our “hipster” is stunned.  She takes off the hat and glasses at DAWGS request and they are in love with her.  She actually seems very sweet, it’s only a matter of time before her spirit crushed and she is left bitter and jaded on the whole experience.

Ben Purdom is feeling a little under the weather, burping, blowing his nose, and practically throwing up in his mouth.  He’s a cable television salesman by day and certainly not a singer at any other time.  He attempts a Lady Gaga tune and Steven finally lets an expletive fly.  DAWG looks like he wants to shoot himself in the head, but they let him do another song.  DAWG says it’s better, but still terrible.  They send him on his merry way to go throw up in a bucket.

After lunch, the energy is on the upswing and Jermaine Jones hopes to impress the judges.  He’s 6’ 8½ ” tall, and his voice matches his size.  Very low, but a bit pitchy DAWG.  Judges think he is really gifted and they give him the go ahead, but ask him to loosen up, DAWG says “he sweatin’ like a foo up dere!”  And the gentle, schweddy, giant is through.

Thank goodness for DVR, these commercials are a killer.  JHO is late the next day because she lost her tights.  She probably left them in Casper Smart’s motel room.  So very JHO-ish of her.  Next up is Brittnee Kellogg, a young mom of two.  She is a bit emotional because she felt held back by her marriage, but now she is divorced and ready to fly.  She actually looks like Brittany Spears when she was younger, before she went bat shit cray cray.  Our Brittnee sings very well, JHO is into it, DAWG is diggin’ her vibe, three yeses!  She asks JHO for some motherly advice and J-HO tells her it “takes a village.”  Britnee has her whole family there to support her and I think she may go far!

Sam Gershman comes bounding in next and she’s very showtuney broadway.  Steven tells her she would make a good Easter bunny and she tells him she’s Jewish.  Geez Steven, open mouth, insert foot.  Judges take a pass, but they tell her to keep working on it.

David Weed is up next and Steven said good think his first name isn’t Smokey.  He is a fast food worker and every time he has to say “do you want fries with that” he dies a little inside.  I can’t help but laugh at that just a bit…DAWG is also laughing at the kid before he begins, and with good cause.  He is screechy and terrible, and sweatin’ like a foo!  DAWG asks him about his other dreams and David is interested in stand-up comedy.  This poor kid would get eaten alive, so judges send him away.

Sidebar:  Images of the Ryan Seacrest Doughnut made by a fan will haunt me forever.  In case you missed it…

 

Romeo Diahn from Liberia is next and he tells a bit about his background before he came to America.  Judges do like him overall, but they are a bit worried about how he will fare.  We shall see.  Naiomi Gillies arrives and wants to sing “Cryin’” by Aerosmith.  She does an okay job, judges seem to like it, but she’s a bit shaky in parts.  DAWG says “that’s how you do it!”  And she’s in!

Sidebar:  Let’s just take a moment to reflect on the “Cryin’” music video which featured Josh Holloway as a purse thief.  Mmmmm…dreamy…

 The standard string of bad auditions with contestants dressed up in ridiculous outfits, screaming, crying, punching camera men, and then Ben Harrison tries to make everyone smile.  This kid is a bit creepy, he looks like knock off version of Andy Richter.  He gives me the willies and he is so bad, Steven uses his little sound machine to make a “coo coo” noise, and this kid is definitely coo coo pants!

Our final audition in Oregon is Jessica Phillips and her backstory involves her boyfriend who had a stroke.  She is more of a caretaker to him now and she is helping him recoup and learn to speak again.  It’s totally gut wrenching.  Of course, we know that AI wouldn’t show us this story if she totally sucked.  She gets through with no hesitation, and she is on her way to living the dream.

We start the second night this week with a flashback to 8 years ago when little Carrie Underwood was just a hayseed from Oklahoma with a dream.  She auditioned in St. Louis and that is where we are tonight.  The opening begins with a curmudgeon taxi driver, Walter, bitching about all the traffic and congestion that auditions are going to cause.  Steven has no clue where he is, as usual, but nevertheless, the ladies are swooning.  The first up is Johnny Keyser, a cute young buck from Florida.  Judges are sold on him immediately and JHO and DAWG can’t get enough.

We get some flashback clips of some of the more outrageous auditions and some of my favorite DAWG moments when he holds his papers in front of his face and he’s laughing so hard that his whole body shakes.  There hasn’t been much of that lately…

Next up is Rachelle Lamb, another young mom, going through a bitter divorce, husband held her back from chasing her dream, let’s see if she can catch it…she was a professional singer, I think she is okay, but Steven likes her “moxie”, three yeses.

The good streak is over, a string of terrible auditions are up, the big guy dressed as Elvis was just scary.  Ugg…now that I have washed my eyes out with bleach, I am refreshed.  Reis Kloeckener is up next, he was bullied in high school, but then he found a safe place to fall in the outstretched jazz hands of the choir.  Good thing Simon Cowell isn’t there, the poor kid would end up huddled in the fetal position in a corner.  He has a lot of confidence and Steven loves it, he makes that face of eternal contentment…Steven is weeping, guyliner running, judges yessing!

Steven is so moved he goes out to the crowd and gives the hoepfuls a pep talk.  Ethan Jones is so excited he has cut his head open before the audition.  Ethan was in a band with his father, but his father left to go to rehab and Steven can relate well.  He is all right, but I think he needs a little work and a Band-Aid.  The judges put him right through.

The next audition is from Mark Ingram who works as a hotel auditor at the location for the auditions.  He comes in with several of his staff members for support and his voice is totally cracking and Steven looks totally pissed off.  The judges try to deliver some constructive criticism and he keeps breaking out into song…and quite a sweat too.  Is it just my imagination, or did he have some moose knuckle going on???

The last auditioner is Lauren Gray.  She comes from a family that owns and runs a one stop wedding shop and she signs with her father.  Judges are immediately stunned and JHO tears up.

Next week is Hollywood already and I must say, it’s difficult to pick an MVP given the limited amount of data we have been given.

Rocky Mountain Highs…and Lows, and a Side of Texas Toast

American Idol is getting away from it all in Aspen, CO tonight.  Steven is getting a headache from the altitude and he is asking if anyone has an “aspirin”…wink, wink.  The fans are out in droves and DAWG is hopeful that the fresh air will bring some fresh talent.  First up is a young snaggletooth music teacher, Jenni Schick.  Oh, big surprise, she’s in love with Steven.  She prods OHRS for a kiss and as we recall from last season, OHRS is a germophobe, so there is no way he’s laying his lips on her.  Who knows where her “Schick” has been.  She is dressed like an extra in a White Snake video and she tries her darndest to flirt with Steven, bound and determined to get that kiss.  She gets three yeses and of course, a rather disturbingly open-mouthed kiss on the lips from Steven.  Oh my precious Steven, I love you like cooked food, but I hope you did a herpes check.

Next up is Curtis Gray, a moppy headed young man who sings in his own band.  Judges love him and put him right through.  Richie Law is up next and is reminiscent of Scotty McCreary.  A very strong, low voice.  Devan Jones is next, and has a much higher voice, reminiscent of Seal.  Mathenee Treco delivers a version of “Hey Jude” that gets the judges singing along.

Tealana Hedgespeth (I’m sorry already) and her twin sister are at the auditions, but only Tealana is trying out and she is ready to break out from her sister’s shadow.  She is terrible and JHO whispers to Steven “if you ask her for another song, I’m gonna kill you.”  She is singing “Somebody Bring Me Some Water” and Steven and DAWG hold out their Coca Cola cups.  They tell her how cute and funny she is, but the singing isn’t there.  Her relatives tell her she’ll always be their idol.  Aww…I am sure she is amazing in her own special way, but that bumble bee yellow romper wasn’t doing her any favors.

Haley Smith is up next, she’s a log cabin girl and she’s got summer teeth.  Some are here, some are there…She has three jobs, the one most interesting is she is a vegetarian that works in a meat department making sausage.  OHRS asks her what’s in the sausage and she says “ground everything” blechhh.  Anyhoo, the judges lover her, she’s different, and she made it her own.

Alanna Sneer is up next and works at a restaurant which serves Rocky Mountain Oysters, which she explains are bull testicles.  Blech…can’t be any worse than the sausages Haley makes.  She sings terribly and Steven asks her if she has “eaten those prairie oysters”, which is a totally different thing…JFGI.  (Just F*ckin’ Google It).  She wants to sing something else, but they shut her down like the Golden Corral after a health inspection.

Shelby Tweten takes the stage next and her backstory is that she is bi-polar and suffers from depression.  Singing is the one thing that helps calm her…JHO goes crazy for her and DAWG sees potential.

We are treated to a string of bad audition clips, but up next is Jairon Jackson with an original piece he wrote himself.  He has a sweet voice and judges like his voice.  Yes, yes, and yes.  Angie Zeiderman is next, and she thinks she is the next Lady Gaga.  She calls herself a “Vintage Glitter Queen” and she attempts to wow the judges with a show tune.  She gets through and DAWG says she’s definitely in her own world.

Magic Cyclops is rounding out the Aspen stint.  He announces that he had to leave Davenport, IA due to gambling debt, he has 11,000 air guitars, and he only has 20 minutes before the security guards from the mental institution come a lookin’ for him.  Looks like he only has about 10 minutes before the crystal micro-dot wears off and he has to get back to running the Tilt-O-Whirl at the local state fair.  He belts out some Neil Diamond and it agitates the DAWG so much, he leaves to go take a dump and Steven must show him the door.

Houston, TX is the next stop for Idol and the first contestant is star struck by Steven.  Phong Vu is his name and sucking ass is his game.  He sings “Unbreak My Heart” by Toni Braxton, which is one of my favorite songs, and he totally slaughters it.  It’s like watching an animal being tortured.  Steven tells him he’s got the passion, but not the voice.  He wants to show them his iconic moves, but no dice.  Outside of the audition room, OHRS comments on how sweaty he is as Phong is handling him.  You can bet OHRS bolted off stage and had an immediate flea dip.

We are treated to a royal parade of cray cray and a bunch of Scotty McCreary wannabes.  Skylar Laine is up next and she is apparently an outdoorsy girl.  She rides a big ATV, she hunts deer…she shoots, she scores.  Judges love her and she’s in.

Baylie Brown is back, she tried out five years ago, but crashed and burned in the group auditions.  JHO has no hesitation and they all vote YES.  Kristine Osorio is up next and all her hopes and dreams are riding on this audition.  She gets right through and Texas is on a roll…

JHO is riled up because the boyz keep rejecting singers that she likes.  Linda Williams struts her stuff and Steven loves her.  Linda says she’s about to pee herself and Steven tells her “go right ahead.”  JHO thinks she’s in the twilight zone, the boyz are all over this chick.  The hair and makeup team descends upon Steven and JHO and DAWG is just standing around…because Black don’t crack!

Next up is Alejandro Cazares, as he is picking his teeth, he can’t wait to blow the judges away.  He’s riling up the crowd before he goes in, he’s ready to bring revolution to the world.  They tell him “NO”, but he begs for a chance and wants to be like Steven.  Alejandro makes a comment about how Steven wrote “Dream On” before Aerosmith even formed.  DAWG shoots him down and tells him the voice is terrible, no career in singing for you.  Steven finds the opportunity to sling one of his jokes and says he wrote “Dream On” when the dead sea was still sick.  Uck uck uck.  This guy is so bat shit crazy that security has to escort him out.  Since they are in Texas, Dr. Phil is standing by to snap up the mental hot messes becasue he needs guests for his talk show.  I think he might say something like this to our revolutionary Alejandro:

DAWG and Steven are going crazy over JHO in her belly shirt.  Hey, she’s not tied down to Skeletor Marc Anthony anymore, she needs to have a little fun.  They settle in for the first up, Cortez Shaw.  DAWG prematurely holds up his diva hand and JHO smacks him down.  Cortez butters DAWG up just right and he is through.

Julie Shuman is next and let’s just say, this is really where the rubber meets the road.  Her rubber outfit is making so much noise with every move, and she’s terrible to rubber boot.

A few more wild and sloppy auditions give the DAWG a case of the giggles.  Steven is wiping his face on OHRS’ tie.  They need a miracle…Ramiro Garcia is up next and we learn that he was born with no ears and he went through several surgeries so he could hear and speak.  Judges are spellbound.  Outside of the audition room, OHRS comforts the father when he gets emotional.  Ramiro gets a golden ticket and we end in Houston on a high note.

Let’s Just Pretend the X-Factor Never Happened, MMMKAY?

American Idol season 11 is here, we are treated to a montage of small toddlers watching Kelly Clarkson take the first AI win, and it was then that dreams were born.  OHRS (Our Host Ryan Seacrusty) has emerged from his hyperbaric chamber to once again host us through the journey.  Steven is back with craziness in full force, JHO with her skimpy outfits, and last but not least our DAWG.  The last of the original Mohicans.  We start the search in Savannah, Georgia and singing hopefuls arrive in droves to wow the judges.  Steven arrives lookin’ like a catfish, tranny, eccentric pimp, but let’s just be grateful that he’s got the moobs under wraps.  In case you missed it…

First up is David Leathers, a.k.a. “Mr. Steal Your Girl”.  Now the young lad says he’s 17 years old, but he looks about 12.  At first I thought it was Astro from the X-Factor, but thank goodness it’s not.  I’ve had enough of him…but anyway…he’s floating around the holding area trying to be cool and pick up girls, but he just doesn’t fit the part.  He apparently competed with Scotty McCreary in a local contest and he won.  Maybe this kid can blow…we shall see…he tells the DAWG he gets his nickname because when he sings, the girls swoon.  Something Steven can surely relate to.  He sounds like young Michael Jackson, they all love it, three yeses!  He actually seems like a really sweet kid.

Gabby Carrubba is up next and she’s shakin’ like a Mexican washing machine.  She is a tap dancer to boot.  Well if she doesn’t make it here she can try out for “So You Think You Can Dance.”  She chats with OHRS about Steven’s facial expressions and they contemplate what he sees in his head when he closes his eyes…a squirrel waterskiing, a hula hooping monkey, a fat guy getting shot in the stomach with a cannon ball, the possibilities are endless.  She goes in to the audition and wants to hug Nigel Lithgoe.  I called it, “So You Think You Can Dance” is her backup plan!  She busts out some Maroon Five and she gets the face of approval from Steven.  They all love her and she is through!

A few more Georgia hopefuls get through and the city proves to be a success.  Jessica Whitely is up next and she has a very odd speaking voice and a horrifying singing voice to match.  She sounds like Grover from Sesame Street…wow…just wow!  DAWG looks like someone just blew the cheese off his cracker, not pleased.  Everyone is speechless and DAWG tells her it’s awful and this is not her thing.  She thinks she is just dehydrated, DAWG tells her it’s not remotely good, and she says “see you in Texas”.  JHO feels bad and wants the Fox intern to tell her not to make the drive.

Some contestants are vying for Ryan’s job and they are doing some impersonations.  A contestant name Shaun shows up looking like a Ryan wannabe, but there’s nothing like the real thing.  Judges gave him an A for effort and sent him on his way.  Shannon Magrane shows up next and her father was a pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals.  The judges ask her to bring in her family and a parade of young ladies comes in and the DAWG is thrilled to meet the dad.  Dad asks Steven how Beantown is and he says “hot, humid, and happenin’…just like your daughter”.  Err…considering she hasn’t auditioned yet and she’s only 15, I think we have our first Paula Abdul-esque scandalous moment here…sponsored by Coca Cola.  She starts singing with her whole family awkwardly standing there and her stage mom is behind her signing and dancing along.  DAWG calls mom out on the singing along and he gives Shannon props for having “nerves of steel”.  Three yeses.

The next string of clips are some pretty bad auditions, then a girl named Amy Brumfield from Tennessee comes in and she tells the judges she lives in a tent in the woods.  Is that sort of like living in a van down by the river?  She gives the cameras a tour and it’s a bit disgusting, there are a few hep-C infested mattresses on the ground, a dog, and some shelled out old cabinetry.  Judges seem to like her voice, Steven loves the fact that she’s a “hippsie” and lives in the woods.  They give her a chance, she’s like a poor woman’s version of Crystal Bowersox.

Joshua Chavis is up next and he expresses his adoration for JHO and he comes in to the audition room and warms up by screaming and bumping into things.  He’s terrible and JHO tries to let him down easy, DAWG tries to give his opinion and Joshua breaks out into another song.  It’s just wrong on so many levels.  He’s in tears outside of the audition room, screaming obscenities at the cameras, his ride is waiting, it’s a Huff and he’s gonna leave in it.

Stephanie Renae is up next and she aspires to be the next Carrie Underwood, hmmm…big shoes…big shoes.  I am not too impressed, she has a lot of work to do and she’s a bit shaky.  JHO thinks she is a bit nasaly, DAWG recommends vocal lessons, and Steven is all about the inflections.  She gets two yeses, so she gets by.  Schyler Dixon is up next, who auditioned with her brother Colton last year.  Her brother is not trying out, but the judges convince him to audition.  She sings first and then Colton gives it a go…Schyler is in the corner looking a bit miffed that he is stealing her thunder.  Judges want both of them and Schyler looks like she wants to totally shank him.

We are treated to the token sobbing montage with all the wayward contestants.  Lauren Mink is up next and she works with disabled adults, so she’s already a shoe in.  JHO has goose bumps, and she’s in.

Day two in Savannah arrives and the contestants are all roasting in the hot sun.  I don’t even want to imagine the unidentifiable smells comin’ offa that crowd.  The judges prepare and Steven and DAWG require more makeup than JHO, which doesn’t surprise me about Steven, but I always thought black didn’t crack!  A young man named Mawunea Kodjo from South Africa is up next to sing some country for us.  Something tells me he may be this season’s William Hung.  Sho’ nuff right…he’s terrible.  Steven gives him credit for his confidence and DAWG tells him it’s really terrible, bad.  DAWG challenges him to find some people that think he’s good.  OHRS takes him to the streets and the return with some little girls and an older man who think he’s great.  They still give him a “no” and tell the girls to have their mom’s wash the wax out of their ears.

Next up is Ashlee Altise and she looks like a hot bag of mess.  She has her own dance called the “Joy Hop”.  She breaks out into song and the judges think she’s just crazy enough to go through.

Another string of Savannah rejects are sent packing.  They show us a special story about W.T. Thompson, who quit his job to audition and he’s got a baby on the way.  JHO wants to take a chance, but the boyz aren’t down.  W.T. promises DAWG that he’ll work hard and make him proud, so they give him a shot.

The final segment of the night is dedicated to the young ladies who lust after Steven.  The man is 65, has moobs, and the ladies still love him.  He’s kissin’ babies like a politician.  One girl named Erica Nowak thinks Steven is her future ex-husband.  I think his fiancée, Erin Brady may have something to say about that.  Erica says she would kiss his feet “or anything else for that matter”…really Erica, you seen those mangled hammer toes?  In case you missed it…

She gets a hug and she grabs his ass.  She is just downright terrible, Steven says the best note she hit was when she grabbed his ass.  She gives DAWG a hug and once again a good ol’ fashioned grab ass.

NBA dancer Brittany Kerr is up next and Steven is in her corner before she even speaks.  DAWG is equally as in love.  JHO gives her a no, but the boys are smitten kittens.  JHO gives her a week.  The final audition for the day is Phillip Phillips.  He works at a pawn shop and the play him some Sanford and Son theme music.  He comes in with a guitar, so you know he will probably be good, aaaannnnd…he’s pretty unique.  Steven deems him “Casey with a lightning rod”.  Judges love, love, love and he gets yeses across the board.

Audition night #2 starts in Pittsburgh with Heejun Han who doesn’t seem to have a ton of confidence and his friends tell OHRS that they have never heard him sing.  He’s not bad and the judges really like him, yeses across the board.  Reed Grimm is next and he’s been on stage since he was two years old.  He was quirky, unexpected, and they send him through.

Golden tickets were a-flyin’ until the two sisters arrived.  One sister is planking while the other sings, which is a bit odd, but it worked because the judges love the singing sister.  Creighton Fraker is up next and he signs an original song he just wrote.  JHO seems to like him a lot and he reminds her of someone, but she can’t place it.  He makes crazy faces and sings with his eyes shut, but they love him and he’s through.

Sidebar:  These auditions are proving to be quite boring, it makes me miss snarky Simon and his tight grey sweaters.

Next up is a young boy named Eben Franckewitz, I think he’s pretty good, but he’s got some growing to do.  Judges put him through and plan to work him to the bone.  Travis Orlando is back to try again, but JHO doesn’t see him coming out all the way.  He breaks down and tells the judges he dropped out of high school, his mom left the family, and he’s back in the shelter with his dad and brother.  He’s the makings of a country song.  Judges give him a chance, but he’s gotta work hard.

Steven and DAWG treat the crowd to an impromptu performance of “Pink” while they wait for JHO to get her ass out of hair and makeup.  The first girl they see is a wedding singer named Erika Van Pelt and the boys love her.  Steven says “Pelt can belt!”

Next up is a coal miner, Shane Bruce, he says he’s singing a the song “that goes Hallelujah from Shrek”.  JHO makes a face like she’s annoyed that he thinks the song is from Shrek.  He knows that he bombed, DAWG tells him to do the work and gives him props for knowing that he needs work.  The last girl Hallie Day has a sad back story and she’s here to redeem herself.  They send her through immediately.

An agonizing night #3 begins an hour delay due to the football game.  Can…barely…muster…up…strength…to…say…anything…interesting…about…auditions…

Sidebar:  Hey, my man Steven is taking a lot of heat this week for his rendition of the national anthem.  I didn’t think it was that bad, cut the guy a break…did you see his moobs?  His jacked up toes?  And how could we forget his run in with a Paraguaryan bath tub???  In case you missed it…

Cut the guy some slack people…now onward

They are aboard the U.S.S. Midway in San Diego.  One complication, they can’t hear very well with the planes flying overhead.  First contestant is Jennifer Diley she’s dressed in a red and white striped bikini top and what could best be described as blue junderpants that are beyond obscene.  Camel toe would be putting it mildly.  OHRS makes her do a retake of her walking up the stairs so he can look at her ass cheeks.  Steven tells her it’s against the law to be so cute and DAWG dives over the table with a muzzle.  Steven says she lacks fire and DAWG and JHO tell her that the outfit doesn’t matter, the voice has to speak for itself.  She insists on singing another song and she still stinks.  Bikini girl 2.0 crashes and burns.  In case you missed it…

Ashley Robles is up next, she’s a single mom working many jobs in search of an opportunity for a better life.  She kisses up a bit by saying that she sings JHO’s songs to her daughter.  The girl actually sings the shit out of the Whitney Houston song, judges are floored, it’s a resounding YES!  This is actually the first contestant that really wowed me…I see her going pretty far.

Jayrah Gibson is up next and he is sooooo excited to be there.  Judges seem to like him, they let him sing for awhile, he’s okay, but I’m not goin’ donuts over him.  He’s through to Hollywood.  A string of others go through, but next girl featured is Aubrey Deckmeyer.  She talks about being America’s Next Top Model.  Apparently, she doesn’t know what show she is auditioning for.  First of all, she would never make it on America’s Next Top Model.  She’s too short, very commercial looking, and EVERYBODY KNOWS that ANTM is looks for edgy, editorial models.  But I digress…She’s a wee bit valley girl and Steven has fun with that, but he likes her voice.  JHO and DAWG are aboard as well and she’s in.  Looks like she won’t be SMIZING for Tyra.  Work it guuurrrlll….

The next girl to audition had written a song for Ellen DeGeneres and was subsequently invited on the Ellen show.  Ali Shields is her name and she professes her love for Steven.  Get in line sweet cakes…  She busts out a rap song and DAWG asks her to do a ghetto dance and she squats down like she’s busting a deuce and shakes her booty.  She sings another song and the judges find her to be unique and they like her personality.  DAWG says she’s crazy enough to make it.

The second day begins on the ship and Kyle Crews is up first and he presents himself to be quite the ladies’ man.  He’s ready to serenade JHO and the judges are enjoying him.  Steven says he’s that best male they have heard yet and Kyle is stunned.  They tell him to lose the lumberjack shirt and he’s through.

OHRS comments that all of the noises are aiding in the censoring of Steven.  Line of the night “I went through four hours of f*cking hair and makeup to listen to this bullsh!t?”  True dat…where are all the hot ass messes this season???

Next up is another young girl, but not just any girl, but Jim Carey’s daughter, Jane.  JHO has a blast from the past because she remembers her as a little baby when JHO was a Fly Girl on “In Living Color”, a show that Jim Carrey was on.  DAWG likes the “PO-tential” and JHO needs her to connect with the audience more.  Of course she gets through an DAWG sends a message to her dad “tell him to holla at the DAWG!”

Next up is the Wolf Man, Jason Hamlin.  He makes OHRS look very small.  He brings his “Git-Fiddle” with him, which his father made for him.  Steven asks him to sing something else and play the git-fiddle, judges love and Wolf is going to Hollywood.

That’s all for this week’s auditions, if they are going to scale back on the talentless psychopaths, then we need to see some singers who really blow our junderpants off!!!  Next stop…Aspen…