Hey everybody… I don’t want to spend a ton of time on the first 45 of this episode because, yet again, the last 15 are the only minutes worth our time. I don’t know about you, but I am feeling a little unfulfilled by the dramaticus-interrupus this week. And to top it off, we have to wait two weeks for the continuation of the dreaded “to be continued” because there’s something going on next Sunday night, I think it’s the “Pepsico Fiesta Hoe Down Bowl”, or something like that. The entire episode is merely prep-work for the explosive “Reading of the Will”, and no dear readers, Mama Joyce has not kicked the bucket.
We start out with Porsha, hosting Wigs-n-Cigs for a professionally prepared baby vegan meal. Wigs has been vegetarian her whole life, and you know what else she’s done her whole life? Made her men chauffer her around like second rate Uber drivers. Yes, Kroy is waiting in the Suburban, AGAIN! Wigs runs out for a red SOLO cup refill and at least has the decency to bring him a tofurky dog with extra relish. Porsha gives Wigs the low down about how evil Kenya re-appeared from the depths of Satan’s asshole during the Houston trip. Wigs chalks it up to being exhausted, winded, and bereft from carrying on the charade of fake marriage. While this is all going down, the paid professional vegan chef is chuckling to herself as she sneezes into their tofu-surprise.
Kandi is prepping for an “Essence Magazine, This is What Winning Looks Like, So Suck an Eggplant Porsha” extravaganza. Kandi has Don Juan on staff and Carmon on contract, because good, bitchy help is hard to find. Don Juan didn’t invite Porsha, but Kandi insists, she is performing a public service really. Porsha needs a substantial example of success. The Kandi Koated Klique is afraid it will send the wrong message and Porsha will think they are BFF status again, but no… complicated is the order of the day, and Kandi insists on the non-passive-aggressive gesture.
50-Cint and her assistant (Hold up…I didn’t even know she had or needed an assistant), are toiling away at Lake Bailey making sushi. Mr. Where there’s a Will, there’s a shady way, is making his maiden voyage to Lake Bailey and 50-Cint wants to impress. After Will arrives, they attempt to finish making the sushi, but bail out and opt for the gas station container of California Rolls that 50-Cint has stashed in the fridge. 50-Cint broaches the “are we dating or seeing other people” convo, and Will waves all the red flags. He tells her he’s not dating anyone else and he wants to settle down and have a family, but if that’s what he wants at age 37, why the hell is he involved with 50-Cint? Oh, sorry, I’m not a man… a little slow on the uptake. Just answered my own question – he wants to take a spin in her mahogany canoe. Sorry Will, the lake is a bit choppy today!
Nene is back this week to give us our newest, delightful cast-mate. Eva Marcille is a former ANTM winner, she knows Nene from LA (several years, hunni), she has a three-year-old daughter, and she’s dating Michael Sterling, who happens to be running for Mayor of the ATL.
Across town, Kenya takes her cousin Che along to purchase some fitness equipment in an attempt to get Question Marc to spend some time at Moore Manor. They cop a squat on a couple of rowing machines and Kenya talks about how Marc is such an “alpha-male” (translation = controlling creepo you see on those Discovery ID re-enactments). Kenya’s had to fall back a bit and give in to Marc’s wishes – a stick shift car, making sure she has “washing powder” for the clothes, laying out his socks and underwear for the next day, and cooking frozen Trader Joe’s pasta meals in a pan to pass them off as home-cooked. It’s a lotta work y’all! By this time the salesman returns with his price for the weight equipment, only $6,915 and delivery by tomorrow! She hands him Question Marc’s AMEX card, CHA-CHING!
It’s the night of the Essence Magazine Reveal Party – Don Juan is in full-force security mode – as Porsha walks in, he speaks into the walkie talkie “WARNING — WARNING – The Underground Railroad train has arrived, all armed men in the vicinity report to the station! SECURE THE PERIMETER! DUCK AND COVER!”
Meanwhile, Nene and Eva are en route to the party (with Gregg as their Uber driver for the night). Eva reveals that she met Will and his girlfriend about two months ago. A woman who is very good with Will’s daughter, and who is incidentally… not 50-Cint! Concurrently, at the party, we see Will tell 50-Cint that he’s been single for 2 ½ years. Ooooh, somethin’ in the buttermilk ain’t clean, but are we really surprised this dude is sketch as f*ck?
The rest of the gang is trickling in and Papa Smurf even makes an appearance. If there was ever a time Papa should intervene and ruin 50-Cint’s life, it’s NOW! RELEASE THE HOUNDS, PAPA! But naw… Peter is just making an appearance to congratulate Kandi, smoke a stogie with Todd, and slam down a few free cocktails.
Don Juan starts the stage show, Wigs is holding her red SOLO cup with her teeth so she can applaud. At what point will that cup go out of style or just disintegrate from the levels of rubbing alcohol it contains? Todd takes the mic and makes a really awkward speech about how his wife is so wonderful, she even invited the undesirables. Not the way to “fly above”, homie! Don Juan announces that Kandi just booked a part in “Chicago” on Broadway, Kandi gives her thanks and she becomes emotional.
Now for the good shit, Nene tells Kandi about Will, Carmon chimes in that she has also heard on the “street” that he “has a lady”. Eva confirms she met said “lady” a few days before Will’s relationship with 50-Cint went public. The heathens decide that someone should tell 50-Cint privately and not in a group setting. Kenya takes lead on this project and Nene is reeling a bit, as in – “nuh-uh, no way is she handing off this BIG SALAD and taking credit for it!”
Kenya pulls 50-Cint aside and the minions are 2.3 seconds behind her. 50-Cint takes the news well, “I completely receive this and assume it’s coming out of love and concern for me.” Will sidles up to 50-Cint and senses she’s upset, Kenya pulls him aside and tells him what’s up. SHOCKINGLY, he denies everything. 50-Cint turns to him, she understands they aren’t exclusive, but she isn’t going to date a man with a girlfriend. Sorry Will, you’re a grade-A sketchball and she’s… well she’s 50-CINT!
Will is pissed that he’s being ambushed and wants to get it all out on the table, so he calls Eva into the conversation. As she saunters up, “well, this is quite messy!” he becomes angry and defensive. Eva waves her acrylic fingernail of justice, pulling out her cell phone “HOLD UP, because what we’re not gonna do…” Homegirl doesn’t play, she came prepared, with receipts. NOT TODAY PLAYA! NOT TODAY!
As this installment of “Will and no Grace” draws to a close – he contends he met Eva seven months ago, there was no girlfriend, and clearly, he is lying. His timeline is about as accurate as the human female gestation period according to Phaedra. Then he says something so ludicrous, I had to run TiVo back twice and still couldn’t quite translate his playa speak… “Everything was perfect until this came along and I think that hurt me because of the perfect gentleman I was to her. Thank you, because you showed me that I have to be more better at other things.” Back away from the psychopath slowly, I implore you, ladies.
Will decides to cut and run, but not without asking Gregg if he can hit the open bar first, as if he’s the keeper of the Gin. SBS and Wigs-n-Cigs realize the real tea party is going on outside and head over to get the dirt. 50-Cint is so over this, Louboutin’s in hand, what a waste of an outfit and a wig.
Porsha asks 50-Cint if she’s okay, she explains everything and says she’s too old for this shit. 50-Cint wants to know any intel, that anyone has, at any time, regarding any man she dates. With this revelation, Porsha’s Scooby Doo ears perk up – “well since you asked….”, and this is where we are left with 50-Cint tearing up and the dreaded “TO BE CONTINUED”.
Next time – Mama Joyce requests a sit-down with her Wal-Mart Death Wedgie and Porsha, Marlo is planning a trip and invites Wigs.