Light, Love, and Old HAM

The ladies pile into the Mercedes Benz party bus, leaving the squalor known as the villa.  The title card on the screen says “Day Two” – yeah, day TWO… just let that SANK IN for a minute.  It seems like we’ve been watching these Barcelona escapades for paleolithic eons.  Nene addresses the elephant, who has left the room… Porsha headed back to the ATL because she’s tired of being trampled on and she’s about ready to cut a bitch.  Kandi says she will get over “drug, kidnap, rape-gate” eventually, it may just take a bit longer than the aging of a jambon leg.

The women arrive at the bigger, better, less mildew-ey Hotel Arts, where they each settle in to their 4000 square foot suites.  They are all instantly in a better mood, blame it on the Bossa Nova previous accommodations!  A plethora of fried foods arrives at 1:00 a.m., all the girls are elbow-deep into the calamari, while SBS hangs back in her room to take a call from Prison BAE.  Her conversation consists of telling Prison BAE what she has eaten the last two days in Barcelona.  I guess when you are on a steady prison diet of ramen and goulash surprise, a detailed account of what one eats on the outside is considered stimulating conversation.  Do the time, Prison BAE, don’t let the time do you.

Meanwhile, Kandi comes up with a bright idea to dress SBS up like an Elvira sex doll, take photos, and then send them to Prison BAE.  Nene is curious, how will SBS will send the pics from her phone?  Marlo “check my charges” Hampton chimes in… “nowadays, they be sneakin’ phones in the prisons, I know because MY NEPHEW is incarcerated.”  Thanks for the disclaimer, but we all know you’ve done a stint or two.

Before the 15 minutes are up on the prison call, Kandi asks Nene if there’s some issue between her and Prison BAE, and Nene goes straight-up HAM, “I’ve never been out with Tyrone!” Kandi interprets this as a bit of a confession, cool your jets, TURBO – “who said that???”

who said that

Nene continues on, “we’ve never kissed, we’ve never held HAMS, we’ve never shopped at the A&P together, we’ve never watched “The Apprentice” together…”  Wow, this is a complicated tapestry.  SBS joins the group at about 2:00 a.m., Marlo drags SBS into her terror-dome, and forces her to put on leopard print every-THANG and some heels she can’t even walk in.  SBS gets the line of the night… referring to Marlo’s shoes, “what are these, size 15’s?!”  Marlo demands SBS hand over her boobs for a good ol’ fashioned duct taping.  50-Cynt walks in, acting like she’s never seen or applied silver duct tape before, and she seems to not realize they were taking the photo shoot quite this far.  Note to Marlo:  next time at Wal-Mart, look for leopard print duct-tape to complete your outfits!

SBS hobbles along, like a middle-aged housewife far away from her Wal-Mart sweats.  Eva demonstrates some simple model poses on the stairs, they set SBS down carefully and Marlo equips her with a shiny gold prop phone.  Okay Marlo, duct tape, old-timey prop phones… I can almost hear the circus music playing on a loop within her head.  50-Cynt and Eva are trying to create wind with the room service platters, but fail miserably.  The photos are a li’l rough to say the least, but Prison BAE ain’t picky!

Marlo boobs

The next day, the women are all groggy and draggin’ ass.  That’s whatcha get when you twerk your ass off until 4:00 a.m.!  Again – BRAVO… why are we not getting ALL this footage?  Shamea has Kandi and SBS as a captive audience over breakfast, so she uses the opportunity to find out the real dirt on Nene and Prison BAE.  Kandi gives a replay of getting “chewed out” by Nene’s Petco choppers the night before, like she seriously thought she was going to have to Vaseline her face and fight.  SBS gives a recap of how she met Prison BAE, it turns out that SBS, Nene, and Wigs-n-Cigs were all involved in an event that Prison BAE coordinated.  Nene demanded more money for the event and we flash back to six years ago when Nene and SBS had it out.  Ahh… the flashback, before the makeup was matte, the weaves were crafted out of synthetic barbie hair, and Tyrone was still relegated to being a voice on the phone.  This was the “Trump Checks”, “fix your teeth”, “fix your face”, “Petco Choppers”, “car towed at Home Depot”, blowout of epic proportion.  Nene and SBS didn’t talk for about four years after this, so SBS believes this is the “elephant in the room”, to which Nene has been referring.

tyrone phone

Six hours later, they are all makeup-caked, contoured, wig-glue securely dried, and ready to be seen in public.  The Spanish citizens are protesting the government so there’s rioting in the streets and the ladies are wary of the constant police sirens.  50-Cynt starts some weird shit on the party bus of the damned, licking her lips and telling Kandi she would be a wonderful housewife.  50-Cynt, for the love of all that is good and descent, KNOCK THIS SHIT OFF!

The women are meandering around town and 50-Cynt spots a blinged out ham, clothed in leopard print stockings and size 15 Louboutin’s.  It’s an aged ham restaurant and the ladies try some samples, Eva says it smelled like “fart”, and Shamea notes that her ham must have been aged during no-shave November.  Nene is totally freaked at the thought of chomping down the jambon sample, and SBS is reading tonight… “don’t act like you’ve never had old meat before!”  After they eat the rotten jambon, they separate into two gossiping factions.  Kandi, Shamea, and SBS set their HAM-bitions on finding another restaurant with fresher meats and large drinks.

old ham

Eva is left with rotten jambon to pick, she asks Nene why she reacted so strongly to the subject of Prison-BAE and Nene bears her Petco fangs, warning Eva to never mention him in her presence again.

The next day, Marlo tells Nene that SBS isn’t giving her the time of day and Nene uses the opportunity to throw SBS under the fastest moving bus in Spain.  SBS brought Wigs-n-Cigs into her home and she knew about the water bug video and never forewarned her, SBS only rides for SBS … and Prison BAE.  My reunion fodder sensors are perkin’ up!

Meanwhile, in another suite, 50-Cynt decides to mandate a spiritual positivity day and advises the group they will drive 90 minutes to a special location where she will hold a pretend re-baptism.  All aboard the party bus of love, light, and spiritual cleansing.  These beyotches are going to need some boiling water and borax to cleanse their souls!  50-Cynt wants positivity, damnit!  She encourages the ladies to share something uplifting… a poem, blotting papers, duct tape, or…  Kandi breaks out her iPhone voice recorder and sings a few lines from her new song, which is basically “Fuck Fake People, STFU”.

They arrive at Costa Brava, 50-Cynt gives a speech and each woman is handed a candle with a name of the women they most despise and they must say three nice things about their person.  They all smack-down some pretty shady, back-handed positivity, oh and Marlo’s boob pops out of her top.  Where’s the duct tape when you need it?  50-Cynt gets in the water and splashes it on her boobs, more of a morning after “ho-bath” than a spiritual cleansing!

Ho-Bath

Next time – SBS delivers word back to Wigs-n-Cigs, Nene has a crisis, Kandi confronts Wigs-n-Cigs

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