Roach Motel

There’s a lot to unpack here and I feel like this is one of those “potpourri” episodes, a little of this, a little of that, some strange looking twigs, and some fragrant wood shavings that smell like an unfinished basement.  The ladies have landed in Barcelona, but it appears they have an entire day to kill because the Air BNB villa won’t be ready for check in until midnight.  Nothing good can come from this.

At this juncture, there are two very critical things happening.  First – 50-Cynt presents her “bucket list challenge” as “Addendum F” to the Friendship Contract.  Secondly – I realized I have heretofore been spelling 50-Cynt incorrectly. (I spelled it 50-Cint – don’t ask me why, because of course 50-Cynt makes total sense) DERP!  But enough about my inadequacies, let’s dive into this hot mess Barcelona bucket-list shall we?

The list has been signed, notarized, and contains an assortment of undesirable acts, such as “Pinch a man’s butt”, “take a shot with a stranger”, “eat a foreign delicacy”, “Swap personality for a day”.  As SBS calls it, “these bitches do this shit every day!”  I understand 50-Cynt is just tryna have fun, but besides her outfit, this is the dorkiest shit she’s ever pulled.

bucket list

Always on the scary shuttle ride from the airport to wherever, the women start getting’ catty and hangry.  Marlo immediately sinks her Petco choppers into Kandi and tells her that she needs etiquette lessons.  Yes people, Marlo teaches her own etiquette class at the learning annex, and I guess she’s a self-proclaimed expert on lessoning dry ladies to be more warm and welcoming.  Lesson one – Burp at the dinner table from the depths of your ghastly core whenever possible.  You want Kandi to warm up her stank face?  Give the girl some chicken fingers with dipping sauce, you’ll have a friend for life.  Nene takes the opportunity on the bus ride to openly slam Wigs-n-Cigs for not coming on the trip and runs through the list of all her lame excuses and alleged ailments.

50-Cynt has arranged for a light lunch at some breathtaking, in-between location where they will not be lodging.  The gang continues their potpourri of conversation – Kandi reveals that Nene is going on tour with her and will bust out her stand-up comedy.  Say wha?  Eva talks about her boyfriend who is running for Mayor and Shamea, in a failed attempt to stir up trouble, asks Eva if her man is okay with her dippin’ in da’ lady pond with one Missy Elliott.  Someone needs to lockdown these women from the internet.  Eva confirms that she’s strictly dickly as of now, although she took a swim or two in her youth.

The talk migrates over to Will-I-Am-An-Opportunist, but 50-Cynt is strictly team-Will.  She stands by his lies, Porsha tries to pipe up and 50-Cynt shuts her down like an illegal daycare center.  Porsha has history of spewing things out of her baby-vegan hole, such as Papa Smurf pays his waitresses in penis.  Porsha is knocked back in her place, 50-Cynt packed her backbone in her carry-on!

There is so much talk going on at the same time, this is hard to decipher, but someone asks 50-Cynt if she has licked balls or how many she’s had in her mouth.  She recoils in disgust, Porsha yells “naw that’s too close to the asshole”, whilst Kandi looks puzzled… “why, teabagging is a must!”  Scribble that one in as number #11 on the 50-Cynt bucket list!

Teabag

The ladies still have about six hours to kill, so they stroll down the streets of Barcelona like a pack o’ wild gypsies.  Shamea takes the opportunity to check off an item on the 50-Cynt bucket list of horrors and she dances in the street, which is just sad and odd.

shamea dancing

They finally arrive at the Victoria Villa, and well… it looked much better online.  It has eight bedrooms, it’s fully staffed, but it’s nowhere near the ATL standards.  We are treated to a flashback of all the five-star lodging the women have experienced over the years.  Yeah…. This shitty li’l villa ain’t gonna cut it!  Everyone is acting like RHNY Ramona, fighting over the rooms like entitled twats.  Ooops, did I type that out loud?

Nene creates a brilliant system whereby the oldest in age should be on the top floors and then trickle down to the youngins in the basement.  Nene calls a villa meeting, but Kandi is not giving up her penthouse suite with private bathroom and spectacular view of the city.  Ya’ snooze, ya’ lose.  They argue for a while longer and then retire to their rooms to put on their pajamas for a late-night dinner.  They are wearing some weird ass shit.  Porsha is wearing a rhinestone breast harness and is in the midst of an allergic reaction to her eyelash glue, so she accessorizes with shades.

Marlo is fluttering around with her crew, doing a pre-dinner shit stir.  50-Cynt is on full-blown blast for being defensive over Will and Kandi is still too dry, who cares if she’s a “MONGOL”.  Muy bien nachos!  Marlo “check my charges a f*cking dictionary”, the bitch is a straight-up MOGUL and could buy and sell yo’ dumb ass ten times!

SBS is horrified by the low-quality towels that could exfoliate a porcupine, so she decides to stir some shit up as well.  She gets Wigs-n-Cigs on speaker phone, alongside Porsha and Shamea.  SBS reveals all the shade Nene threw, and leave it to li’l dingy Porsha to tell Wigs how amazing it is that she is a “cancer survivor”.  Wigs corrects Porsha and states she never had cancer.  Oh, how quickly the wig glue has deteriorated your hippocampus and cortex.  ROLL THE SEASON ONE REUNION – Wigs, I was 90% sure I had cancer, in a Chili’s parking lot, turns out I did not have cancer, the Awesome Blossom was extra tasty that night!  ASK, BELIEVE, RECEIVE!

Wigs season 1

Wigs is so fired-up upon hearing that Nene is basically saying Wigs has suffered none of these “alleged ailments”, she starts yelling about Nene parking her Rent-a-Royce in a handicapped spot and the roaches in her bathroom.  SBS has done it again, stirred up that pot nice-n-thick.

SBS on phone

Marlo set the table nicely and placed a blonde wig at the head of the table and a crown for their “special guests”.  In an odd, random, funny moment, SBS asks Porsha to get her a “vodka and Fanta” – son of a motherless goat, who still drinks FANTA!?!?

Fanta

These bitches can’t even have a meal without quarrelling like squirrels over an acorn shell.  Nene and Marlo are starting in on Kandi, and then ping, ping, ping… everyone is receiving texts on their iPhones.  Wigs has sent everyone a text with the cockroach video taken inside Nene’s home and a photo of the Rent-a-Royce in the handicapped spot.  Nene goes off and SBS joyfully owns up to telling Wigs every-thang that Nene said on the Barcelona bus ride from hell.

It appears the fiery rage emanating from Nene’s wiglette has melted her eyelash glue and her lids are glued shut.  She goes off on, well everybody.  “CAN’T NONE OF Y’ALL STEP IN MY HOUSE AND SAY A MOTHERF*UCKIN’ THANG, ALL MY SHIT IS BRAND NEW WITH TAGS ON IN SHRINKWRAP, Y’ALL BITCHES AIN’T EVEN GOT POOLS!”  Nene cannot contain her rage, her comeback to Wigs, “she has worms in her ASS!”  Is that even like, a thing in humans?

Mic drop… Buenas noches, Dulces sueños, la cucaracha, NACHOS!  Next time – the madness in Barcelona continues, Marlo and Porsha go at it.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s