Cured Beef

So we meat again… this week, our ladies attempt to squash the beef and another Bravo mandated group trip to the center of Satan’s asshole is on the books.  Let’s saddle up and get out our cattle prods, shall we?

Eva has dropped a bomb on the Will BBQ and as 50-Cint is avoiding the cameras while she uses her chin blotting papers to dab her salty tears.  Last week Porsha acted as if she too had some real dirt on Mr. Will, but all she manages to scrounge up from the bottom of her linty pocket is a basic repeat of what we already know.  Will is seeing another woman, but since he’s an opportunist, he is hanging with 50-Cint for the free swag-bags.  As the group disbands for the night, Mama Joyce sidles up to an unsuspecting Porsha and demands a sit-down sometime soon, as in tomorrow morning at 11 a.m. sharp!

50-Cint and Will have an angst-ridden ride home.  He’s aghast at the accusation that he is an opportunist – CHILE PUHLEAZE – what opportunity could he possibly get by keeping 50-Cint on his arm?  Uh… Will… you’re fame whore is showing.  Can someone start the application process for this gent to be the first African-American Bachelor and get him off the Bravo network?

The next day, Porsha and Mama Joyce have a fairly uneventful sit down, Mama has left her Wal-Mart Wedge of Death and Destruction at home and opted for a comfortable loafer.  They order up some sweet tea and brussel sprouts, and Porsha the meat-hating monster, asks the waiter to hold the bacon.

Hold the bacon

Mama cuts to the chase, what the hell is up with all that bull-honkey Porsha spoke about Kandi.  Porsha explains that she trusted her then BFF, Counselor Parks, and took her word as fact.  Well, that was your first mistake, aside from going vegan and that wig line, chile!  This was actually a well-played move since Mama despises Phaedra and is still bitter about the Counselor hooking up her kid with a “worker” – tiny Todd man, this means you.  Things worked out for the best, Kandi took a lemon – tiny Todd man, this still means you – and Kandi made the best lemonade on the block!  Porsha laughs uncomfortably and Mama declares Porsha is a real “ride or die chick”, but she needs to re-evaluate to whom she is loyal.  Mama advises her to keep trying with Kandi and maybe they can grind the old beef.  Newsflash y’all – Kandi ain’t never gettin’ over this.

Mama Porsha

50-Cint and Nene meet up for dinner and the only possible explanation for 50-Cint’s red NY Yankee’s had is that she didn’t have time to powder her wiglette.  Nene looks like a tarot card reader who just raided the clearance box at Goodwill on her way to Burning Man.  They dissect the Will bomb and Nene dubs Kenya as “Captain Sav-A-Bitch”, trying to mediate the situation that had nothing to do with her.  Nene warns her ol’ BFF to be careful, Will is a bit to greezy and sly for her taste.  50-Cint needs a man who is a “li’l rough” like Papa Smurf.  50-Cint believes a girl’s trip is in good order, she has been nominated to organize the Bravo mandated group trip into the fiery core of despair.  Destination – Barcelona on a budget!  Nene will co-host, but she’s not too keen on all this “budget” talk.  50-Cint has charts, graphs, and a Groupon budget.  She found the cutest li’l Air BNB, what could possibly go wrong?  Well, Wigs-n-Cigs, that’s what.  50-Cint wants to include Wigs on the guest list, but Nene already has Wigs’ rolodex of excuses memorized, number one is that Uber driver, Kroy, can’t tag along because his butt implants are leaking a lethal mixture of liquid nails and gorilla glue into his blood stream.

Meanwhile, in other fake news…. Kenya asks her cousin, Che, to accompany her at the doctor’s office where she pretends to be pregnant by her husband who doesn’t even live in the same state.  She’s six weeks late and 46 years old [ahem… add 5 years on here] and she needs a blood test because her dollar store pee stick result was inconclusive.  This is all just a big ruse to not go on the mandated trip from hell and to pave the way for her exit from the show – we can only hope.  Kenya girl, you ain’t pregnant, you menopausal.

50-Cint is clearly eating her feelings throughout this episode.  She meets Papa Smurf for an entrée or four to discuss her feelings about why he ghosted on her at Kandi’s event.  As Papa explains how he felt extremely uncomfortable seeing the woman he’s still in love with on a date with an opportunist scum bag, 50-Cint shovels in the lobster rolls as if they are becoming extinct.  Seriously now, this is some emotional eating next-level shit.  50-Cint is desperately trying to form a divorce friendship contact, but guuuurrrl… Legal Zoom doesn’t have a template for that.  In summation – Papa Smurf gives her some sage advice, stop stressing and live how a bitch wants to live!

Cynthia Peter

Porsha is so excited to be invited on the Barcelona trip, she decides to host a “No Beef” dinner.  I can understand the pun of squashing the quarrels, but to serve a dinner without any meat just makes you a monster.  THIS IS A HUGE MISS STEAK!

Miss Steak

Marlo “check my charges” is the first to show up and throw shade at Porsha’s McMans rental.  How petty do you need to be in order to want to go to criticize the dimensions of the welcome mat?  The doormat is too small, the doorbell doesn’t work, the décor inside looks like a bridal shower, and the vegan food tastes like the forest floor.  SBS gives us the best possible response to Marlo having a dead animal hanging off the side of her Mumu at a vegan dinner party, “what kinda fragglenackle bull crap is this?”  Yes, that is the burning question of the hour.

Wigs-n-Cigs rolls up, chauffeured in her Escalade, and we can hear her on the mic, “pour my wine for me real quick”.  She emerges, red solo cup in hand with a quick wig straighten for good measure.  The ladies are in full swing, doing shots and smoking the hookah.  50-Cint enters and as a hush falls over the crowd, she knows they were talking about her.  Marlo is already tore up from the floor up, she can’t even conjugate verbs.  They all sit down to eat the vegan delights and Porsha announces that the ladies must take care with the dinnerware because she will be returning it to Home Goods later that evening.  Marlo keeps burping from the depths of her ass and blames it on 50-Cint, but 50 doesn’t seem to mind since it takes the focus off the latest conversation topic – 50-Cint and Papa Smurf are still actually in love.  As they discuss the “no men allowed” Barcelona trip of renewal and rejuvenation, Wigs immediately announces that she is out!  She cannot fly 10 hours without her husband because she had a stroke on a four hour flight, it simply won’t work.  There, done, “DRIVER – BRING MY CAR AND BOX O’ WINE AROUND!”  They must be planning to fly first class because Porsha’s vasovagalvaginosis leg disease has not come up as a Barcelona barrier.  As this drunken debate about why Wigs can’t come continues, Marlo is so schuckered she keeps calling Wigs husband “Kort”.

As this boring, filler, episode winds down, we see Gregg milling around in Nene’s closet while she is packing, spilling wine on his shirt and wiping it off with her best throw pillow.  He can’t wait to her the “click, click” of her Louis Vuitton luggage across the tile floor and out the door – “BYE”, he yells like a 14-year old who has a raging kegger planned while the parents are out of town.

Nene and 50-Cint ride to the airport together and Nene is sporting fashion trends that I just can’t get behind, and certainly not for a 10-hour flight.  Where are your velour tracksuits, ladies?  Has SBS taught you nothing?!?!  Ever the fan of the cold-shoulder, Nene has chosen a tremendously conflicted, strappy, paisley-print poncho. along with a contraption, whereby her earrings are connected to her necklace as if she’s some kind of up-to-the-minute, hip, old-maid waiting to have her earlobes ripped out.

But I digress… as we cut between scenes to the strategically matched pairs of women riding to the airport we learn – SPOILER ALERT – Wigs-n-Cigs is not coming and everyone is PISSED.  SBS admits, quite frankly, that if she had a free man to drive her around while he sits in the parking lot waiting with adult libations, she’d be all over it too!

They didn’t give us too much preview for next week – it appears Nene and Wigs go at it, AGAIN.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s