Hello RHATL readers – I dunno, I feel as if this was one of those “throw-away” episodes, you know… where the entire production staff decided to take a page out of Ramona Singer’s manual for living your ultimate menopausal life — they have popped a Xanax, calmed all the way down, and phoned it in. This is one of those eps. where all the meandering, mind-numbing conversation footage is merely prep-work for the last 15 minutes. However, there is a silver lining in this storm, the last 15 are GOLD!
Let’s dive right into the messiness… Sooo, like, everyone who is anyone is organizing some sort of fund-raiser to help out in Houston, TX for the hurricane Harvey victims. Via unseen footage from the “All Shade, Elephants Stampede Out the Same Dayum Way They Came In, Piss off the Energy Reader Spectacular”, Porsha invited the gang to come support her event, but she was met with long, silent, fake-eyelash blinks. You know the ones – where the falsies are so heavy, the skanks can’t lift their lids up in a timely fashion. Shamea of all people calls Porsha and offers to come on down, but Porsha isn’t ready to forgive her for calling out her “vasovagal legs can’t fly coach” disease in front of the Kandi-Koated Klique.
Across town, Cynthia and Kandi meet for dinner, Kenya is a no-show, which violates Addendum XIV, Section 118 (a) of the Friendship Contract! Cynthia wants to re-hash the “Elephants Stampede, We All Wear White, Never Forget, Tip Your Energy Reader” debacle. Cynthia feels the reader was way off, but hunni, NEWSFLASH…. your dinner outfit selection is WAY OFF – she looks like she just got roughed-up at a hoedown and she’s lucky to have made it out alive with her Walgreens flip-flops.
Anyhoo – They move on from that hot-topic and Cynthia announces she is planning her own hurricane Harvey relief efforts, but Kandi must decline by way of Riley duty and slipping Cynthia a $20K check. Kenya calls via face-time and Cynthia must take it out in the parking lot, she comments on how Kenya is also looking a bit rough, as if she recently emerged from some “wifely duties”. Kenya laughs, wishes her hubby existed, and then declines Cynthia’s request for Houston duty.
On our latest installment of “Love, Before, During, and After Lockup”, SBS is still reeling from her car accident so she’s hangin’ low at the Chateau and the only charitable activity she will be participating in will be accepting this daily call from Prison-BAE. They exchange their perfunctory remarks and he reminds her to “feed Chunky”, which is not the family guinea pig. Oh no dear reader, “Chunky” is Prison BAE’s pet name for her ass – he likes big butts and he cannot lie!
She fills him in about the disastrous “Elephants Extravaganza”, but Prison BAE warns, it would behoove Nene to tread her big butt lightly. He’s got dirt, and we’re talking bona-fide, word on the street, scuttlebutt! Everybody knows those li’l inmates gossip more than a sewing circle…isn’t that right Counselor Parks? Ahhhhh – the shade is just too easy with this bunch! But I digress… Prison BAE has known Nene long before his romance with SBS… apparently, Nene was pursuing him while she was collecting her Trump checks on the “Celebrity Apprentice”. SBS can’t confirm or deny if Nene and Gregg were separated at that time, but don’t think the back-pain meds have this li’l bone collector slogging on her duties. She will carefully place this into the “Bone-In Ribeye Remembrance” file.
Later, we see Kandi on Riley duty, which is practice driving in her $100,000 Mercedes jeep-type thingy. Riley is driving like she owns the road and Kandi is doing typical-mom things, such as fearing for her life. Sidebar: Kandi seems to have an inordinate amount of contouring on her nose during her confessional. Note to makeup artist – BLEND!
As soon as they arrive home, Block calls but cannot converse long. He is at the hospital with baby-mama #8 awaiting the arrival of his new son. Kandi puts Riley on the spot to talk with him, but she looks like she’d rather meet Bill Cosby for a drink than get on the phone with her father on camera. Kandi commends Block for making an effort, but once they are inside the house, we hear Riley break down in tears. Kandi continues to do some really good mom work here and askes to be de-miced right away. Heart melting when we hear Baby Ace’s angelic voice call out “RIIILEEEEY!” He’s no replacement for the adorable and sorely missed Ayden Parks, but viewers have to make sacrifices and Counselor Parks had to be put out to pasture.
So we are on the back-half of this hump of an episode… everyone who is going to Houston has arrived… or have they? Cynthia, Malorie, Lauren, and Porsha are at day one of their event, decked out in their finest black spandex, passing out Ramen Noodles, and hugs-a-plenty! Shamea decides to show up out of the blue, but everyone is hospitable and Porsha appreciates that they can put their differences aside for the moment. Later, at their hotel, Shamea apologizes to Porsha for being insensitive about Porsha’s “condition” that restricts her ankles from flying coach. They have a pillow fight and hug it out.
Cynthia is busy glamming up for her event and Porsha phones to state they are running late. Cynthia tells them to take a bird bath, glue their wigs down, and get to the benefit concert so they can raise funds and wayward spirits! Porsha won’t allow this to be a “mist” opportunity, she donates $5,000 to Cynthia’s event. As they are all having a wonderful evening, the human hurricane Kenya shows up, to surprise Cynthia because she felt compelled to destroy the good vibes this crew has going for itself.
Kenya is hosting her own event with Habitat for Humanity and Cynthia immediately bails on Porsha, which is in violation of Article IV, Section 1 (a) (iii) of the friendship contract! Porsha has been demoted to a Real Sidechick of ATL, Cynthia will not be attending her event the next day in lieu of going with Kenya. Ugh… spineless Cynthia has returned.
Porsha has a successful event the next day, but they run out of food and she has a bit of a breakdown. Several local restaurants are able to provide more and they ended up serving meals to over 2,000 people. In a less peaceful demonstration, Kenya is at her Habitat event, cracking the whip and barking out orders like a drill sergeant who hasn’t gotten laid in 28 years. Shamea plans to attend Kenya’s event in Porsha’s stead, but when she phones Kenya for directions, Ms. Daly gets her “thunderpants” in a bunch and cannot be bothered with such details. She tells Shamea to find a volunteer, figure it out, less talk, more work, and then she relegates Shamea to trash duty upon arrival.
After all the volunteering is done, it’s time for a group dinner from the depths of hell. The group settles in at a self-serve type barbecue restaurant and since HANGRY Baby Vegans can only eat the side salad, they finish before everyone else and start stirring the shit-pot for dessert! Lauren kicks it off by expressing their disappointment with Cynthia, bailing on the Real Sidechicks. Cynthia squashes the “who supported who” war and deflects the focus to the fact that people showed up and they were able to help. Shamea mentions the ultimate rudeness that is every fiber of Ms. Daly, and you best believe Cynthia put a pin in that one! Kenya shows up late and can’t order any food because the kitchen is closed, she can’t even have a cocktail because all they serve is beer and wine. Shamea tries to address Kenya, but she isn’t even acknowledging that another human is speaking to her. She keeps hollering out for water, again so self-unaware that this is a self-serve restaurant! Because she is a former Miss USA, an off-camera staff person is bringing her several glasses of water, even with bendy straws! Shamea calls out for a pitcher so that this THIRSTY BEYOTCH CAN GET HYDRATED AND PAY ATTENTION – PUH-LEAZE!
Porsha tries to mediate, Cynthia chimes in and tells Kenya she came off as rude. They are just about out of the woods with this petty argument, Shamea is giving it the “no big deal, I’m fine” treatment, when Cynthia brings it up again – “Shamea you’ve not fine, you’ve been talking about it the whole time we’ve been here!” UGH, bitch I thought you was spineless!
At this point, Kenya storms out and we hear her talking to the producer in the bathroom – “I don’t give a f*ck about any of these mother*cking HOES!” Porsha goes after her and Kenya flips off the camera, “THIS IS NOT A MOMENT”. Oh, but it is, my feisty Pageant Queen!
Funny side-note: Shamea needs to use the facilities, and left with no alternative, she sneaks by into the men’s room! Kenya leaves the restaurant and this time it’s Cynthia who tries to extinguish the rage of Satan’s asshole. Kenya rolls down the window, tells her “it’s not a moment” and drives away. Keep on drivin’ as far as I’m concerned, if you can’t do your job – guess what, we’ve got Eva Marcille coming next week!
The burning question of the hour is this – Where is Nene with her Petco choppers and Trump checks in all this messiness?!?! Why has no one demanded a doctor’s note from SBS or a marriage license from Kenya? Get with the program ladies – WE NEED RECEIPTS!
We receive a li’l preview treat of what is left to come this season – Eva Marcille of ANTM fame joins the cast next week. Prison-BAE and Nene go to war. Wigs-n-Cigs has a couple more face-off, wig-yanks. Kenya actually introduces Marc, live in the flesh? There is some dirt on Will that is “5150 cray-cray”, was he previously or currently dating Eva? And all sorts of other too-fast-for-my-old-psyche footage! See you next week, and in case I don’t tell you often enough – THANK YOU FOR READING!