Welcome to the Mean Girls lunch table, where we will invite you over, but YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US! I swear, these cast mates don’t even like each other anymore, they merely tolerate one another and put themselves into bizarre situations for sheer sport. #Paychexbybravo! Let’s get into it, shall we?
We start out this week with Porsha playing actress. She’s terrible, being killed by Sharknado 5 after 9 seconds of screen time doesn’t a thespian make. She has apparently landed some part in a local production of “Two Can Play at that Game”, and it takes three assistants to help her run two lines.
SBS, Wigs-N-Cigs, and their breasts meet for a meal. Seriously, these bitches be bustin’ out of their tube tops like stuffed sausage. Nene is supposed to show up, SBS is salivating in anticipation. Every time the three of them get together, it ends in a good ol’ fashioned wig pull. We are treated to a flashback of season two, when SBS tried a wig yank on Wigs-N-Cigs… IN FRONT OF MICHAEL LOHAN. Ahh… the good ol’ days, when Wigs-N-Cigs crafted her wigs out of flammable Barbie hair and dated men off of Craig’s List.
Speaking of a wig yank, someone should do SBS a favor and snatch that Atomic Blonde wiglette off her melon. With all her other stellar looks this season, I just can’t get behind this atomic atrocity. Anyhoo – SBS gives Wigs-N-Cigs a quick briefing and they get on to the subject of Kandi. Wigs understands that Porsha made a “harsh allegation” against Kandi, but Wigs [again with the swearing on her six kids’ lives], seems to buy into the Kandi rumors. Then she mumbles something as she’s gulping down her clams casino, “I wouldn’t let Kandi lick my box.” GOOD. LORD. ALREADY. WITH. THIS. SHIT? Wigs… sorry hunni, no one wants anywhere near your box. It’s like the great void, all who enter are never seen or heard from again.
SBS fills Wigs in about Prison BAE, and Wigs offers her immediate support and becomes overcome with emotion and fake tears at the thought of her BFF SBS getting “some good dick”. Yes, that’s right, in 4-18 years, SBS will be getting the dick she is due, DAMNIT! After these two clowns come up for air, they realize it’s been two hours and Nene hasn’t shown up. Wigs ponders that she may be looking for a parking space, but decides to call and Nene informs them she sent a memo by Pony Express. She will not be attending due to “too many elephants in the room” and they need to schedule a conversation at another time. Wigs thinks Nene is still butthurt over the “Rent-a Royce” handicapped parking scandal, oh and the fact that Brielle snuck into Nene’s house through an open window during the “All white, trot out your best gay accessory, never forget, shuck your own oyster party” and posted a snapchat showing 16 cock roaches scurrying across Nene’s floor. Hmm…could be why she doesn’t want to sit with you, bitch!
Bailey Agency Skewl for Wayward Models is conducting a back to school book drive to help kids who may not be able to afford supplies – translation, a photo shoot for the Trapper Keeper 2018 reboot. Nene face times in because she can’t be troubled to make an in-person charity F-List celebrity appearance. She invites the women to an “All White, Elephants Never Forget, Clear the Room, Low Country Boil Seafood Extravaganza”. Will stops in and Cynthia turns into Urkel. He tells her that he’s leaving for a trip to Brazil, and Kenya quickly points out how amazingly beautiful the women of Brazil are, oh and prostitution is legal. Cynthia starts hyperventilating into a Hello Kitty backpack and Kenya pulls her aside by the straps of her overalls. Kenya lectures her on the dangers of Mr. Will. If he is truly an opportunist, he will be back for his dear Cynthia. Just be sure to use a condom for several months and make sure he takes ALL of his penicillin.
SBS settles in for a quiet night with her dog Max and her laptop, when Kairo surprises her with a visit bearing food. They are firing up the grill when SBS gets a call from Prison BAE. SBS takes the call, attempting to hide it from Kairo. Prison BAE upholds his innocence, claims he has receipts, and he’s hoping to be exonerated from all wrongdoing. GOOD. LUCK. SBS isn’t ready to explain to her children that her BAE is in prison, so she and Kairo opt to ignore the elephant in their kitchen and continue to prepare dinner in silence.
Nene is arranging her big “Elephants in the room, come one come all, circus extravaganza”, and has hired an energy reader named Mbele. Said energy reader pulls no punches, she is firm, direct, and smells of a hard mix of sage, Ylang-Ylang, and wrath.
As the ladies arrive, Mbele has a few ever-changing rules, smart phones get checked at the door she’s a hugger not a shaker, unless your name is Nene or Cynthia and you give off immoral juju. Wigs-N-Cigs walks in and says in her loudest, Virginia-Slims, I’ve had about three red Solo cup fulls o’ Tito’s, voice – “It smells like sage up in this mother*cker, ohh it is like rough as shit, honey!” Nice opening volley! As if that wasn’t rude enough, Wigs won’t put her phone down, “I got six babies at home, my husband is bringing me pizza”. Poor Kroy, he’s now relegated to delivering pizza to Wigs while she fulfills her #contractuallyobligateduncomfortablesituationsbybravo. Hey, Wigs – can you have Kroy slide in an order of hot wings, extra spicy, hold the celery, blue cheese dressing on the side?
Nene begins to address the group and the lights flicker, indicating that Mbele has placed an irreversible hoax on the whole lot of them. Mbele takes the floor and announces she will be spilling secrets and the women need to keep it together. She waves her li’l finger at SBS for an inordinate number of seconds and comes up with some innocuous, vague shit like – “be decisive, stand firm.”
Kandi is told she experiences Déjà Vu. Nene is told she has a heart of gold and what others think of her is irrelevant. Cynthia is told to protect herself – translation, Will is an opportunist. Kenya is told that she isn’t going to be around much longer, not meaning death, but a different destiny. #shitcannedbybravo.
Wigs starts buggin’, she doesn’t like any of this. Mbele wins line of the night, “dixie cup is gonna help us out here, I guess”. Kenya busts out laughing and now believes that Mbele is the most amazing energy reader, EVA! Wigs says she’s been read by the BEST, she’s spiritual, she’s from a higher power, and she has, like… ESPN!
Kenya loses it, tells Wigs to shut the f*ck up or leave. Nene is feasting on this conflict. Mbele asks everyone switch seats because “Wigs and Go Naked” are oddly holding hands and she’s catching too much static from the high concentration of wig polymers. Mbele offers to dip some wild bushes in whiskey and provide Wigs with a much-needed cleansing bath, but Wigs takes a hard pass. At this point, they have broken the energy reader and she leaves the unstable skanks to deal with this three-ring shit show. Mbele exits stage left to find the Bravo intern, collect her appearance fee, and the $50 bonus for giving Nene a resplendent read.
Kandi tries to start mediating between Porsha and Nene, but Nene is more preoccupied with making her same goofy faces and resolving nothing. SBS asks Nene if she has an issue with Prison BAE, and to be clear “you’ve got mugshots too”. They start goin’ at it, they do not SEE. EACH. OTHA. Nene has “NO. THING. I. NEED. TO. TALK. TO. YOU. ABOUT!” Wigs mumbles something into her Solo cup about Kenya being jealous of SBS and Cynthia dives into the fray to ask why Wigs and Kenya don’t get along. Wigs gets up to leave, hiking up her Pepto pants like a truck driver, and Nene demands she stay for detention. Cynthia tries to confront Wigs, but Wigs says “don’t talk, just be a pretty face” and then the low-grade beaver tranquilizers kick in. Wigs starts singing “Amazing Grace” without her auto-tune machine.
Nene and Wigs sit down to have it out… Wigs takes a moment of reflection and introspection, the last time they sat on a couch together was eight years ago when Nene denied trying to choke her [after the wig-tug in front of her then fling, Michael Lohan – sorry folks, I will find that infinitely hilarious until my dying day]. Sensing Nene is ready to go for a main artery, Wigs adjusts her wiglette, swears on her six kids’ lives – AGAIN, and apologizes “for actin’ like a coconut” at Nene’s party. But Wigs isn’t smart enough to leave it at that and escape Nene’s fury, she has to add that she thinks Nene is on drugs. Nene admits to being on vodka, but that’s the extent of it. She officially deems their “friendship” superficial. Adjust your wigs and part ways, idiot hookers!
Next week – Cynthia takes a trip to help with hurricane relief efforts, Prison Bae delivers an ominous warning, and Kenya flips off the Bravo camera, well, because Kenya.