Flirting with Disaster

What better way to kick off this week than to shop for some overpriced doors.  Yes, SBS… this means you!  What in the name of all that is good and decent are you doing spending $8,750 on one door?!?!  Which I might add, doesn’t even include a fabulous knob.  $8,750 could buy some nice commissary provisions for those prison visits, maybe even rent an hourly conjugal trailer.  If SBS wasn’t droppin’ so much coin, I am willing to bet an $8,000 door that the shopkeeper would not have stood their patiently while SBS and Porsha discussed the latest innovation in weave adhesives.  The ladies saunter off into the chandelier nook to re-hash the San Francisco treat trip and Porsha has found a juicy nugget on the internet, so you know it must be true.  Yes, dear reader, Radar Online has reported that SBS is married to her cuddly convict Tyrone.

Meanwhile, Lake Bailey is hosting Kandi and Kenya.  I love how Kandi gives Cynthia’s “cross wall” the side-eye.  The three take seats in the zen den to get down to it.  Cynthia starts with the obligatory “how are you, how was the funeral?” pursuant to section IX, 17(f) of the friendship contract.  After that’s out of the way, she zeros in with laser sharp focus to ask the hard-hitting question, are we ever gonna meet the real Marc?

Cynthia wants receipts

Kenya does the backpedal, twirl, and side-step, but eventually promises Cynthia she will produce receipts.  Speaking of questionable nuptials, Kandi flashes the jailhouse photos of SBS posing in a “wifey” tee-shirt with Tyrone, as if there weren’t enough ambiguous wedding storylines this season.  Somethin’ in the buttermilk ain’t clean.

SBS Wifey

(Photo Credit:  Straight From The A)

Porsha is on a mission to get her groove back.  How many back-alley matchmakers sporting Target knit wrap-dresses does it take to set up this twerkin’ travesty – two, yeah, it takes two baby!  Porsha drills down to what she is looking for – a man who wants a family and she is down with the swirl.  To which matchmaker #2 deadpans, “oh neat.”  The matchmakers demand a tour of the McMans in order to gain insight to what makes Porsha tick.  I can tell you right now what makes this bitch tick, a couple of field mice and some AA batteries.  The wheel may be turnin’, but the hamster is dead.  Porsha reveals two spare bedrooms for a boy and a girl and a playset in the back yard, which came with the house.  She figured she would keep it all intact for the future mini-Porsha’s, not at all creepy.  The matchmakers tell her straight up that the McMans décor will scare off the men and “make their wiener go down”.  I think the first sight of the wall o’ wiglettes in the boy’s nursery will do that on its own.

Porsha heads off for her first blind date with Patrick.  The matchmaker tells her that he’s wearing a grey jacket and jeans and this is already a fashion strike against him.  Guuuurl… she put on her best Spanx for this, he can at least put on a pair of black trousers!  In probably the funniest scene of the night, Porsha walks in to the restaurant and as soon as she sees his bald, shiny head, she does a 180 on her stiletto.  And I know what she’s thinking, if I turn fast enough, he won’t even know it was me and I can beat feet back to the McMans and be in my jammies and up to my elbow in a pint of Ben and Jerry’s by 8:30.  The Bravo Intern hiding under the hostess Pottery Barn podium springs to action and gives her a li’l pep-talk.  As in, this week’s paycheck is contingent on you enduring this unsettling blind date.  Porsha walks over to meet him, sits down, complains that it’s too hot in the restaurant, and chugs a glass of water.  In what world is this man her type?  Clearly, the matchmakers the Bravo Intern found in the yellow pages are unqualified.  Porsha deftly sets up her trap-door and as he flashes his Bugs Bunny teeth, she pulls the ripcord.  My “mom” is “staying with me” and she can’t be alone for more than 30 minutes.  Sake bombs for everyone!  What a waste of an outfit and a wig.

Porsha Dud

In Kandi news, Baby Ace is learning to swim and Kandi is trying to spend more quality time with Riley.  They go indoor skydiving and we learn that Kandi is working too much, she’s never around, and never follows through.  #GOALS!  Hey Riley, get your shit together, you little ingrate!  At least your mom is TRYING to spend time with you and all her bizznizzez will benefit you if you’re sensible.  Now go dip some chicken fingers into some honey mustard with your mama!

Cynthia stops by to see Papa Smurf in a dusty, empty lot, which is the future location of “Bar Two” in ATL.  She owns 25% of this ill-fated bidness venture, but that’s the least of her problems since she utters “Uncle Ben looks steamy enough to boil a hot pot o’ rice”.  Umm… EW!  Apparently, Bar None and Sports Done are doing well, so now Papa Smurf thinks he can take ATL.  Papa Smurf is drooling over her, undressing her with his beedy eyes, all the while she entertains his greezy innuendos.  She hints at having more percentage of ownership and is prepared for a lifetime of sickening interaction with this man if she is to recoup her losses.  Hey, somebody gotta pay da’ rent at the Bailey Agency for Wayward Models.

Later, Cynthia heads out for a sizeable boat double date with Will and Kandi and Todd.  Kandi has already Googled, deployed her OLG word-on-the-street-team, and is prepared to grill Will like a Bubba Burger.  Props to Kandi for lookin’ out for her girl… ATL has a lotta folk who fake it ‘til they makes it!  Todd keeps bringing up Peter, because apparently, he’s not fully over the divorce yet.  As if it wasn’t awkward enough in the confines of the stern of the boat, Kandi brings up the fact that Will has appeared on a Steve Harvey Show episode about dating and a reality dating show.  Will has defenses prepared, the Steve Harvey thing was a year ago and he declined the reality dating show.  We are reminded via montage of how everyone attacked Todd’s motives when he latched on to Kandi’s teet, so I guess it’s only fair.

Mama Joyce on yer ass

Kandi and Cynthia head up to the bow of the boat for some explicitly detailed girl talk.  Cynthia reveals that she and Will haven’t gotten jiggy with it yet and she fears that the sexual tension is so hot, that it’s built up too much, and it might not be good.  Kandi advises her to “check out the thickness of his hands” and that should calm her nerves and quell any misgivings.  Someone has poured Cynthia way too much champagne, or she is a really rusty dater… she proceeds to tell Will everything she and Kandi discussed.  Real smooth… 50-Cyn!

SBS finally has the sit down with her children about the domestic violence she endured while married to Bob.  At first, it’s CRICKETS.  The girls talk a bit more, they love their mom dearly and think she’s super woman, then they hug it out.  Jack Daniels arrives and gives her a gold star for completing her homework assignment.  Her cellphone rings and PRISON-BAE pops up on the display, “um, yeah, life coach… I’m gonna need to take this”.  She makes Jack wait while she talks to Tyrone, we learn that SBS and Tyrone dated several years ago, but he ghosted because he didn’t want to embroil her in his legal predicaments.  Wow, now that’s love.  Jack asks her about the call and she reveals that Tyrone is her boyfriend and, oh were does he live?  He’s in a big house, a lovely joint, Greybar Knolls Estates, a great corner lot, yard view, personal chef, home gym, state of the art security system, and all utilities and cable included!  Let’s toast, shall we, CLINK!  Jack Daniels takes a moment to process this and shake his head in haughty derision.  He cautions her about being in a fantasy land with prison-bae, it may not be all puppies and bacon after the delousing powder settles.  SBS has no fears or doubts, PRISON-BAE is her DESTI-NAE!  With good behavior, they riding down a rainbow on a unicorn in one to four years!

Next week – Kenya and SBS teaming up for the domestic violence coalition, Porsha flirts with a workplace romance, and an OLG uprising.

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