Will the Real Flat Marc Please Stand Up?

Everyone is poppin’ their corks this week!  After the fight between Nene and Porsha won’t come to an end, Marlo “check my charges”, drags Nene away while covering her mouth.  Funny how the tables have turned!  A few reunions ago, Nene was covering Porsha’s mouth to keep her from poppin’ off on Kenya!  Dayum, these bitches be figtin’ for 10 seasons, it’s bound to come full circle.  Kenya, Kandi, and Cynthia leave with Nene, as the elevator doors close, Nene and her wily bun run amok shout “THE DOOR IS CAAAHHH-LOSED!”  SBS and her Atomic Blonde wig feel bad for Porsha, although she completely instigated this whole blow up.  I feel bad for SBS and her poor wiglette choices.

Porsha is on the hot mess express to a total meltdown, not to be confused with the underground railroad tepid calamity express.  She doesn’t seem to have the chops to be on this show.  Kandi gets the line of the night: “Y’all made us leave before our food came!”  Guuuuurrrrl after my own heart!  Nene can’t shut up, she is outraged with the white-hot intensity of 1,000 cinnabuns.

Everyone sleeps it off and they reconvene the next day in full hangover gear – baggy clothing, hats, and large sunglasses.  Nene is already at the bar gettin’ her drank on.  SBS hopes Nene has reinforced her bun with extra bobby pins, but she is sporting a high pony, which is essentially the leftover, undone bun.  Although Porsha may rip that pony right off her scalp as if she’s starting a lawn mower.

All aboard the trolley to hell, Kenya discusses leaving early to bury her grandmother.  Porsha gets teary eyed and excuses herself, Cynthia heads to the back of the trolley to be sure she is all right and relays her own story of being put through the emotional threshing machine that is Nene Leakes.

Porsha trolley

They jump off at Fisherman’s Wharf and take a photo in front of Alcatraz, which is a perfect segue for the ladies to gossip about SBS’ love interest Tyrone.  Nene knows him from “way back” and he is a known con-artist who stole $4 million from his company.  Kandi expresses concern about Chateau Shereé around the likes of such a cunning man-friend, and Kenya can’t resist a dig, “well it’s not in her name, so…”  Chateau Thelma is SAFE!  Meanwhile, SBS, Marlo, and Porsha meandered down to Chinatown, where you get off the trolley and it feels like Tokyo!  How did you get there Porsha?  Underground railroad, wrong continent!  While in Chinatown, they ponder the vegan-ness of fortune cookies and decide to purchase some cheap props to throw a mock wedding for Kenya for the purpose of passive-aggressively cheering her up before sending her off to her grandmother’s funeral.

Later at the hotel, Marlo has reserved a conference room in the business center to stage the mock wedding, complete with a carboard cut out with a question Marc on the face.  Yes, ladies and gents… it’s “Flat Marc”.  There is some concern about how Kenya will respond, but Kandi reminds us that Kenya did throw a tasteless divorce party on the last Bravo mandated getaway to the depths of hell-fire.  Porsha has recruited a bunch of men in spandex to serve as mock-guests, and they are equipped with fake doves to fling at the bride.  The stand-in groomsman is wearing a “Henny” shirt, gold lame sneakers, and his best DERP face.  In case you missed it:

ceremony

Surprisingly, Kenya takes it like a champ, but leave Porsha to drop Flat Marc on the floor during the ceremony.  YOU HAD ONE JOB!  After the joke is over, Porsha pulls Kandi aside to apologize again, but bitch ain’t havin’ it, nor should she.

Flat Marc

The final day of the trip, SBS decides that a four-hour commute to Napa is in order.  JESUS.  TAKE.  THE.  WHEEL.  AND.  WHATEVER.  MECHANISM.  WITH.  WHICH.  A.  TRAIN. IS.  DRIVEN.  On the hot mess express, Porsha gets waylaid in the bathroom because she had to bust a deuce.  She gets stuck with the last seat in the train car, directly across from her two arch-enemies, Kenya and Kandi.  Porsha orders a vegan meal and Kandi and Kenya give her about another week before she’s tearin’ into some chicken wangs like a savage wildebeest.  Kandi agrees that Porsha can benefit from any type of diet and says out loud “You was gettin’ a li’l chunky”.  HOLD UP – I suppose we can let that one slide, Kandi, ‘cuz you was pregnant for 18 months [oh wait, that was Phaedra], but c’mon guuurrrrl.  Who here can’t miss a meal?!  Who has Domino’s on speed dial?  Anyhoo – Kenya starts going on about how her husband likes her smaller, toned smaller, hates makeup, he loves strong, successful women, but she can’t be an alpha woman at home.  Welp – I give Porsha’s vegan diet better odds than this marriage.  Does Flat Marc realize whom he has married?  At the other table, SBS discusses Tyrone, Nene asks if “he gonna come by trickin’ stocks”, but SBS assures us all, he is in da’ joint for wire and securities fraud only.

The train is finally at the station, and they roll up to the Raymond vineyard.  The host, Jean-Charles, hands Porsha the Sabre to cut the neck of the Champagne bottle.  Ummm… Jean-Charles, maybe you didn’t receive a copy of the itinerary, but this woman should not be handed sharp objects.  Surprisingly, Porsha sabres the champagne bottle on the first try.  Kenya decides to point out the single ladies so that JC can focus his flirting on them.  He feeds the single ladies bunches of grapes, Porsha and Cynthia daintily take a grape, but Marlo “check my charges”, hoovers it down like she’s Monica Lewinsky.  SBS makes an astute observation, now we know how Marlo affords all her designer clothes and fancy cars.  Jean-Charles announces that he’s married and has two daughters.  Porsha’s whole demeanor shifts, “c’mon with the tour, chile!”

grapes - marlo

They take their shoes off to smash the grapes in tubs and Porsha wigs out because she arrives at the startling realization that she has been swilling down “feet juice” all this time.  Nene declines the grape smushing, citing the most amazeballs excuse I’ve ever heard, “I don’t want to get my big toe wet”.  I’m filing that one in my rolodex of excuses not to do something!

After Kenya leaves the group, the ladies head out to a special dinner at the vineyard.  Jean-Charles serves them a wine they make with John Legend, Nene immediately tweets “who do I have to blow for a case of John Legend’s wine!?!?”  Haha, where is Wigs-n-Cigs when you need her?

SBS toasts to Kandi’s recent Essence magazine cover, Kandi reveals that she and Todd did a drive-by of Flat Marc’s restaurant while in NYC, but they did not go inside.  Perfect segue for the ladies to question the existence of Flat Marc and Marlo takes a quick show of hands on who thinks the marriage is real.  Cynthia ain’t havin’ it and she walks out, Nene follows her out to diminish her feelings and basically tell her there’s no reason to be upset.  So… I guess poppin’ off in a rage-fueled, bun-unraveling, outburst is better?  Cynthia understands the marriage situation isn’t normal, but she’s trying to respect Kenya’s process with it, pursuant to section VIII, 15.8 (d) of the Friendship Contract.  Cynthia returns to the table and finally admits that she is hurt that Kenya didn’t invite her to the wedding and that she still hasn’t met the real Flat Marc.

Slim shady

Next week:  Cynthia confronts Kenya about Marc, Porsha starts dating and may go for some white meat, and Kandi confronts Cynthia’s boyfriend Will about appearing on the Steve Harvey show for dating.

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