Jive Talkin’

This episode was a bit of a snooze-fest, there was very little by way of drama and the cast-mates actually didn’t behave like rabid lemurs.  The theme this week is party at Chateau Shereé – 70’s theme birthday party for Velma, who is turning 70!  #seewhatSBSdidthere?

Cynthia is busily swiping away on her Tinder app and she happens upon hunky Will, who has cheekbones to rival her own.  She throws on some old pajamas Papa Smurf left behind and heads out for a cocktail.  Will is 41, he’s a sassy Capricorn, and knows all the right things to say.  He’s never been married, but he has one broken engagement and a daughter to show for it!  He offers to show Cynthia a picture of said daughter, but dadgummit, he doesn’t swear and never brings his phone on a date!  Cynthia is sucking up this Mr. Smooth act like it’s black tar heroin.  Later, Kenya gives Cynthia dating advice, “go slow” and assume Mr. Smooth is definitely seeing other women.  I think I heard the collective sigh America – yes, Kenya giving dating advice, go slow, don’t marry him until the third date.

Cynthia date

In other Kenya news, her dog King has peed on her wedding dress so she decides to leave 432 voice mail messages for her invisible husband.  The voice mail bitch keeps cutting her off… “I’m sorry, your message was entirely too long and vapid, please try again.”

Is it me or does the Kandi Koated Factory seem like the place where nobody does any actual work?  They all sit in the alarmingly disproportionate furniture for the space, gossip about Kandi’s cast-mates, and hold staff meetings that never resolve anything.  Kandi’s trusty assistant, Carmon, is starting her own insurance bidness being financed by some Kandi Koated Koin.  Key takeaway?  Don Juan can’t f*ck up this empire all by himself, he needs some qualified help.  I hear Lauren may be looking for a new gig…

Porsha, Lauren, and their mother are far too lazy to actually exercise, so the dump a fortune at a day spa for a body wrap.  When the technician finishes wrapping them up and advises that they need to get on the cardio equipment for optimal results, Porsha stares at the woman with disdain, as if she had thrown all of Baby Vegan’s meat away!  Porsha’s ass fat pops out and they jump around on some mini-tramps for three minutes.

Porsha wrapped

Somewhere in all this foolishness, Porsha calls a meeting with her business consultant.  He walks into the coffee shop to meet Porsha and Lauren and his first words are “what idea do we have now?”.  Clearly, he is no stranger to the Porsha Williams hare-brained idea mill, which was originally constructed after the collapse of the underground railroad.  Porsha wants to open a hair salon within three months and she can bounce a rent check for up to $10,000 per month.  The real estate agent has also joined them and asks for a business model and plan – Porsha and Lauren look at each other like, “maybe the Baby Vegan ate our bidness plan!”  The two men leave to return to their actual jobs, the Bravo intern slips them both a C-Note for appearing.  Porsha and Lauren have the same fight they had last season, Lauren is tired of being paid in circus peanuts from her bossy, asshole sister and Porsha is tired of being called an asshole by her ungrateful little sister.  Porsha flies into a rage and Lauren walks out yelling “screw you!”  So much for focusing on family!

It’s about four hours before Velma’s birthday party and it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for, when SBS unleashes her heretofore contained hellfire on the party planner.  The party planner sends SBS a passive-aggressive text regarding the tension between them, which doesn’t align with her business practices, therefore f*ck you and by the way, you will need to pick up your own table linens.  HA – consider yourself checked, BOO!

Check me boo

SBS calls the party planner and goes right into voice mail, there is no flip out and I’m not sure I like all this life coachin’ nonsense SBS is ingesting by way of Jack Daniels.  SBS leaves a message – she’s about to tear up, this is her mother’s big day, this disco ball and restaurant grade bug zapper aren’t going to install themselves!

Cynthia and Nene meet over at Moore Manor to pre-party and help Kenya select an outfit.  Nene is more concerned about assessing Baby’s closet containing clothing with tags still on, rather than worrying about her own hubby who is in the hospital with chest pains and numbness.  The party must go on, Nene can be late getting to his bedside tomorrow!

Everyone arrives at the party and things seem to have come together without the party planner.  SBS is getting her Donna Summer on, but she looks more like Pam Grier.  All the ladies have a good time, dancin’ the night away.  Kenya dropped down into the splits in the Soul Train line.  I hope she didn’t tear a labia!  All this rented spandex makes me wanna bathe in germ squirt.

Kenya dancing

Anyhoo – this is a momentous occasion, a RHATL first.  An actual social event being held for a legitimate reason and no fisticuffs in the party or the parking lot!  Stay tuned, next week looks like the drama ramps up – Kandi gets an Essence Magazine cover, Cynthia continues to date Mr. I’m Smooth until I’m not, and the return of Wigs-n-Cigs results in a Clash of the Titans.

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