Where’s the Beef?

The Bravo intern has finally churned out the lackluster taglines, here we go:

  • NeNe: “Ten years in the game, and I’m still the tastiest peach in Atlanta!”
  • Porsha: “Friends come and go, but family is forever.”
  • Cynthia: “Age is just a number, but these cheekbones are timeless!”
  • Kandi: Don’t mess with the boss, ‘cause you might get fired!”
  • Kenya: “While some were saying ‘I can’t,’ I was saying ‘I do!’ ”
  • Shereé: “Call me a bad server, because I always spill the tea!”

I think Kandi’s takes the golden peach of all that is juicy, no doubt that is a direct BURN headed straight for Phaedra Sparks Counselor Parks!  She messed with the bull last season and got the horns.  So let’s get to the meat of this shit sangwich, shall we?

Porsha is having her sister and niece move in to her McMans, apparently Lauren’s baby daddy has checked out, SHOCKING!  It’s time for the Bravo patented, “rehashin’ in da kitchen” scene, whereby Porsha fills in her family on her latest drama for paychex.  Porsha’s mother is barely listening, she is too busy trying to corner a tomato in her salad bowl.  Next time, slice the tomato in half so that slippery sucker won’t continue to elude you!  Later, Porsha decides she’s going vegan and she disposes of all meat in her house, and can we have a moment of silence for the BACONATOR!?!?  You know street urchin will garbage-pick that machine in an ATL minute!  Lauren recommends Porsha go vegan for at least six months and then freeze her eggs, right now her eggs are full of Hennessey and in the middle of a bar fight!

Porsha meat

Meanwhile, across town, Cynthia is meeting a man about a chicken… turns out it’s a date with Norbit!  Her date, Evan, is like 12 years old, but that doesn’t stop this cougar from getting her photo-shoot on and a free meal.  She and Evan engage in this corny photo shoot, all the sudden he leads her to another room for dinner and she has a completely different hairdo.  Someone fire the continuity editor, STAT!  We learn that Evan is only 29 and Cynthia asks if his father might be single and hot.

Norbit

SBS walks into an office building and, this next part completely made this 10 seasons of f*cked up insanity all worth it… I give you life coach, Jack Daniels.  Yea, let that sink into your psyche for a moment.  Rest assured my dear reader, he has no connection to the libation of destruction and mayhem.  SBS is meeting with Jack Daniels to discuss her deep-rooted issues regarding Bob, the abusive years.  She’s still very emotional over it and wants to get to the point where she won’t cry when she thinks about it.  Sidebar:  There’s a wedding photo on Jack Daniels’ credenza and it looks like Kenya!  Jack gives SBS a homework assignment to rehearse how she wants to have this conversation with her kids and to burn that fried, dyed, on the side, atomic blonde wiglette.  Clearly that wiglette is from the Wigs-n-Cigs season one collection.

rhoa-sheree-wig-min

Kandi offers her guest house as a neutral rehearsal venue – SBS and friends sit down to have the tough conversation and the scenes are edited to give the appearance that this is taking about 10 hours.

Kenya and Cynthia go for a walk, Cynthia is bummed that Kenya went off and got married.  She thought the two of them would both be single, trollin’ for eligible, sexual chocolate, and rippin’ it up together.  Now all Cynthia has is her damn lake.  We learn that Chef Roble introduced Kenya to her hubby in Brooklyn NY.  Baby is a very private person and he’s struggling with being married to a reality starlette.  Later, Kenya is playing dress up in her closet, re-living her wedding.  Kenya gets Brandon on the horn and complains about the public fodder via the online trolls.  Sidebar:  Eye spy with my little eye, a “Moore Manor” pillow!  Brandon dispenses some of his sage advice, “they can go kick rocks, suck a f*ckin’ egg-roll, cut out the noise.”  Everything he just said, I want to get tattooed on my body.  Kenya starts crying off-camera to her producer/handler, I give this marriage six months before it free-falls into a fiery abyss.  FIST BUMP!

Kenya vail

Kandi and Shamea are shopping for some African wedding wear because she is getting married in Kenya Africa and the rehearsal dinner will be held in the bush.  SBS pops into the mix, but she will only be attending the bridal shower.  This gives the gals the perfect segue to gossip about why Porsha won’t be at the wedding, she claimed the first-class tickets are $10,000.  Kandi got her ticket for $5,000, so what’s the big deal.  Dayum Porsha, take the underground railroad!

It’s the big day of Shamea’s bridal shower/bachelorette combo party platter day of every-thang.  All the ladies are dressed as if attending a civilized afternoon tea party, while there are topless, Chippendale-like, male waiters scurrying all over the place.  Porsha walks in and mistakes SBS for Wigs-n-Cigs, so clearly this girl has bigger issues than not being able to afford a plane ticket.  Porsha tries to act natural, but the tension is thick as her false eyelash glue.  Porsha attempts to explain to Shamea that she cannot fly coach because of her medical “condition”, Vasovagal syndrome and low blood pressure.   I wonder how many of us simultaneously googled that just now.  Anyway – Welcome to, yet another installment, of Porsha’s bullshit.  Kandi is low-key annoyed by all this, she would rather go participate in a dreadful bridal shower game, which consists of tying a raw hot dog on a string around your waist and lowering said wiener into the bottom of a Dixie cup with a hole cut out of it.  This was straight up unsettling folks.  Move along, nothing to see here other than SBS lowering the wiener into the hole in record time.  Not her first rodeo!

Shamea is giving Porsha a hard time about not coming to Africa for the Coming to America wedding.  Kandi and Carmon are mocking Porsha about her various doctor’s notes and excuses that she utilizes to get out of life.  Carmon takes a really low jab, “Porsha can’t sit with her legs down, they’re used to being up.”  Everyone starts shuffling out and ten minutes later Shamea and Porsha are fighting in her car.  Porsha is pissed about being called out in front of the Kandi Koated Klique and Shamea merely wants to understand why her childhood friend can’t pop for a plane ticket to her wedding.  Porsha finally decides she’s not willing to Vaseline her face and fight right now, so she will be a friend to Shamea from afar.  Which is no different from what she’s been doing.  She’s in the NFL now – NO.  FRIENDS.  LEFT.

Shamea argue.jpg

Next time – Cynthia continues to wade in the shallow dating pool, Nene deals with Gregg’s health scare, Porsha and Lauren get into it, and SBS asks her party planner “who gon’ check me, boo?”

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