Kiss and Tell

Phaedra and Kenya hit the tennis court, thinkin’ they Venus and Serena Williams.  Kenya is so pleased at their “ever-growing friendship”, but little does she realize they are about to hit some growing pains.  We know they donkey booty HAM on each other by the end of the hour.  Phaedra missed the “leggings are not pants” memo and she looks like Hello Kitty and Sesame Street had a rough night and spewed hangover vomit all over her.  Her camera interview top is hideous as well, she looks like your grandmother’s couch from the neck down.

Phaedra pants

Frikkin’ Cynthia decides to bring Papa Smurf room service and a bedazzled Bible for his birthday.  As they sit, gazing into each other’s eyes over a plate of artichoke and spinach dip, Papa Smurf admits he almost made a booty call to her last night.  Cynthia reminds us again that she would’ve been tempted, because they had no issues in that particular area.  Peter produces a friendship contract and asks her to check the box on where they stand – together, not together, dating other people, or clinging to scraps.  They both feel as if they have failed, Peter wants her back, but Cynthia has concluded she is not the marrying kind.  He leaves his door open and informs her he will not be changing his cell number.

Mini-Todd Tucker has planned a special birthday party for Papa Smurf, and he decides that instead of a pig roast, they will roast Peter.  This is the worst idea in the history of ever.  Frick and Frack roll up in their dresses slit up to the “cootie coo”, Bob Crazy Eyes trails in behind them without SBS.  After SBS shows up, everyone bombards her with questions, but she won’t be discussing anything further with the men around.  THIS MEANS YOU, CRAZY EYES!

Todd kicks off the roast, Phaedra can’t wait to dig in on Uncle Ben and serve him his ass on a platter with a “side of special rice.”  Kandi and her camel toe make some horrid jokes and the rest of the gang also fail miserably.  Most of the jokes are about being older than dirt and broke AF.  Cynthia can’t bring herself to say anything worthwhile, other than how Peter is such a champ at brushing his teeth?  What in the fresh hell is this?  SBS doesn’t see the need for a roast, Peter looks pretty well done already!  SBS FTW!

For the last day in Hawaii, the gang hops on a catamaran for a sunset cruise.  While everyone is out on the deck viewing the sunset, Bob and SBS sit down for a heart to heart talk.  Bob apologizes for whatever he said that ticked her off, which means he still sees nothing wrong with his behavior.  He just mad ‘cuz she walked out on him at the jewelry store.  SBS explains how they never discussed the things that went on in their past, him abruptly leaving when the kids were small and not calling for six months, not paying the mortgage, cutting off her credit cards, joking about murdering her, y’know just a few minor mishaps like that.  OY VEY!  This boy has been hit in the head too many times.  He has no ability to show remorse and then flips out on her.  SBS goes into the way, way, way, ugly, ugly, ugly cry and he continues to act like he didn’t do anything wrong.  Your goose is cooked, Bob.  You will never secure a place at Chateau by Shereé.  Meanwhile, on the upper deck, Cynthia gets her hair tangled in a small fan powered by her iPhone.  JESUS.  TAKE.  THE.  WHEEL!

SBS ugly cry

Kenya announces that she has a surprise for the ladies after they get back to the resort, which is an “I do, I did, I’m done, divorce party”.  We flash back to seven years ago, when SBS held her own divorce party complete with her 50 foot-tall self-portrait, which proves these events never go out of style!  Cynthia walks in and the theme immediately give her a case of the sads.  Phaedra walks in and announces she is sick to her stomach.  No girl, your spanx are too tight!  Turns out that “cackling like hyenas, kissing cartoon penises, and mocking the sanctity of marriage” aren’t received well by Cynthia and Counselor Parks!  Phaedra exits stage left in search of a ginger ale for her upset stomach.  After they are done playing “kiss the penis on the wall”, Porsha gets a text from Phaedra – “I’m good, but appalled that they would think the breakup of a family is a cause for celebration and with the host being the triflin’ woman who was texting my husband, disgusting and disgraceful.”

We flash back to two years ago, when Apollo admitted he lied and Kenya and Phaedra wiped Kenya Moore Whore’s slate clean.  But according to Phaedra, the slate has been dirtied up again.  Phaedra is gulping down her ginger ale, clutching her bosom, sticking to her story about eating some bad Mahi.  Porsha waddles in with her half-drank jug o’ Hennesey.  I have to give it to Porsha tonight, line of the episode – “first of all, what the hell, you done left me in the room, kissin’ dicks on the wall!”  Once you have waddled around a Four Seasons resort, with a half-empty jug o’ Hennesey, uttering those words – CHILE…it may be time to re-evaluate your life!

Kiss wall

Kenya shows up at the door, Porsha thinks it’s room service bearing her pineapple juice, “but an actual pineapple showed up”, meaning Kenya in her bright yellow dress, wearing her “I’m ready to confront” face of doom.  Phaedra feels the party was tacky and given that Kenya played a contentious part in the marriage, it was “a whole ‘nother level of skanky.”  Oh Counselor Parks, how quickly we forget that your no good, deadbeat, huzzzband admitted he lied.  ROLL.  THE.  EFFIN’.  TAPE!  There are not enough prayer circles, Thelma & Louise convertible car moments, and s’mores over the campfire, to save this budding friendship now.  Kenya tries to talk it out, but Phaedra ain’t havin’ it… and nothing says get the hell out of my room like a ginger ale burp to the face.

Kenya - confront

Meanwhile, back at the un-married party, the women cut up the divorce cake and of course, Porsha is happy to take two pieces back to Phaedra’s room.  Hey, you don’t get to dis the party, send hateful texts, and then have your cake and eat it too!  The men show up and break the tension for a while.  At the end of the day, Kandi gives the Hawaii trip five stars, with the highlight being Porsha admitting she is a liar.

Next time, Porsha presents Todd with a Baby-Nup Agreement, Kandi’s former assistant is still pursuing a lawsuit with Counselor Parks at his side, and Matt and Kenya go at it again in a stairwell.

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