Restoration Station

We are picking up where the crazy train threw us from the tracks – discombobulated, weary, and reeling.  Kandi is trying not to choke Porsha out, save that for the sex dungeon antics.  Kandi hasn’t been this far off the rails since the ill-fated pillow talk party.  Phaedra, of all people, tries to calm Kandi down, but her “at the end of the day”, catch-all, calamity management tactic is not working.  Kandi, Kenya, and Cynthia flee the scene for some well needed beauty rest, while the others stay behind to continue the parade of unstable sluts.

The next day, Kandi has a speed boat trip planned and she phones Phaedra to inform her that Porsha is persona non-grata and tasks her second mortal enemy with delivering the un-vite.  For someone who lost their shit the night before, Kandi looks hella rested and fresh.  Meanwhile, across the hall, Porsha and Todd are discussing their plans for the day and Porsha thinks she will be frolicking and cavorting about with the gang as if nothing happened.  Phaedra pops in, barely dressed, bragging about her swimsuit she has owned since she was 18.  Umm, this brings up several ponderings… 1)  The effing swimsuit doesn’t fit you in any way, shape, or form,  2)  If she has owned the swimsuit since she was 18, how in the hell does the elastic (already gripping for its last breath of life) not have dry rot?  3)  If you are tugging at your swimwear while saying the words “my booty keeps eating this swimsuit”, IT DOESN’T F*CKING FIT AND IS WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE.  We are treated to a montage of Phaedra’s freak nasty vacation wear over the years – hey guuurrrl…you do you!  And with that, Phaedra un-invites Porsha and Todd from the festivities and they are relegated to a beachside couple massage.

Phaedra swimsuit

Todd’s masseuse is squeezing his brain, maybe trying to jam some common sense back in there.  The pair goes on and on about how great the day is and a wind gust blows their umbrella down, interrupting their zen moment.  They head down to the beach and Todd spies with his little eye another couple getting married.  He teases about grabbing the preacher and getting hitched, but no shirt, no shoes, no ring, NO DICE.

No dice

The rest of the crew travels to the boat ride in two separate cars.  In car one, Papa Smurf informs Kandi that he stayed at the dinner table of doom for another hour, mainly gettin’ his drink on and soaking up the gossip.  Porsha is throwing the “bullied” word around again, which firms up Kandi’s decision to ax her from the events of the day.  We see that Kenya was consoling Kandi after the dinner, citing that Porsha “doesn’t have a pure, moral fiber in her body, so let that go.”  When Kenya Moore is your unlikely voice of reason, honey, you know your shit is f*cked up!

In car two, Phaedra continues defending her BFF in an indirect way.  “We don’t know what is a lie or what isn’t a lie!”  Really Counselor Parks?  Oh damnit all to hell, why at this stage in the game would we expect more from you?  Everyone continues to comment on how Cynthia and Peter are getting along famously and Cynthia admits in her camera interview that she may consider “one last lap around the pool.”  Maybe Phaedra will loan you her 25 year-old swimsuit from the Venus porn collection so you may seduce your soon to be ex-husband.

Anyhoo, Kenya points out that Cynthia and Peter’s divorce is imminent and SBS notes that she and Bob never could’ve gone on a trip together after they split.  Bob reminds SBS that they were driving in Las Vegas and SBS fell asleep in the car.  He considered taking her seatbelt off and slamming on the breaks “so she can fly her ass through the window.”  Kenya stares at him, completely shocked and mortified.  Bob claims he never hit SBS and she give shim the side eye.  He asked if he ever choked her and she confirms, to which he replies “if I did I’m sorry, maybe I didn’t choke you hard enough.”  Way to make a car ride uber-uncomfortable for all involved.  SBS starts getting emotional, which is the first time we have seen her cry in the history of ever.  Kenya crawls over the seat to comfort SBS while Phaedra gives Bob the evil eye and hisses at him repeatedly to apologize.  He tells SBS he never wants to be the one making her cry, and he reaches over to her like a swift, effective killing machine.  This isn’t even half of a half-assed apology, take about 100 steps back, Bob!  Be careful not to slip on your own sweat, we’d hate to see you break a hip.

SBS upset

All aboard the speedboat, which is aptly named “INSANE.”  The gang is treated to a wild ride and they are soaked with ocean water.  Everyone starts freaking out about their weaves, except for Kandi, Kenya, and the men.  Phaedra is barking that she has been Bamboozled, hoodwinked, and soaked.  I cannot help but wonder how she remained supported in that backwards, suspender, tangled up, hot mess of a swimsuit.  Later, they all sit down for dinner and the talk goes back to the night Porsha came on to Kandi like a nine-fingered hooker.  Papa Smurf wants the smutty deets on the make-out sesh, but Kandi doesn’t really entertain him.  Phaedra decides this is the opportune moment to introduce her idea of having a spiritual restoration service for everyone, and they need it ASAP ‘cuz they NEED JEZZUZ NOW!  They all stare at her blankly, but they will all be there because it is written into addendum number 2,137 of their Bravo contract.

Phaedra sets the stage for the restoration, she lays out the boxed wine and Porsha shows up with a box of Cheez-It Grooves.  Kandi walks in with her attitude and Phaedra offers Kandi some wine, which is stupid because EVERYBODY KNOWS Kandi doesn’t partake.  Everyone else arrives around 11:17 p.m. – perfect time for everyone to restore, when they are over tired, tipsy, and suffering from severe sun stroke.  Dr. Martin Luther Pahedra starts out the restoration and they discuss the abuse argument between SBS and Kenya.  Porsha is sitting in the corner waiting her turn and she is guarding that box of Cheeze-It Grooves with her life.  Kenya and SBS go at it like wild lemurs for a few minutes, then Phaedra intervenes and they chalk it up to a misunderstanding.  Phaedra opens the floor for anyone else to discuss their issues and it’s dead, awkward silence.  Porsha finally speaks up, but Kandi cuts that shit off at the knees.  She wants to be clear, she isn’t upset because she gives a f*ck about Porsha.  Kandi has supported Porsha more than anyone in the group – through her divorce, through her aspiring, horrifying singing career, all of it.  All Kandi did was say that Porsha used to run with her ex, Block, which was true.  Porsha flipped out and threw Kandi under the bus with her vicious lies.  Porsha continues to justify her response and basically admits she made it all up because she was mad.  Porsha also decides that she thinks Kandi should apologize to Phaedra for saying she was talking to multiple men before Apollo went to jail.  Phaedra slips and says “it wasn’t like I was talking to him”…Kenya immediately picks up on the Freudian slip.

restoration failure

Kandi is willing to offer an apology for insinuating that Phaedra called the FEDS and ratted them out for holding Apollos possessions in her garage, but that’s the end of the line, restoration station…the train stops here.  Cynthia is pissed, it was a waste of an outfit, makeup, wig, and eyelashes…and her gluten intolerance doesn’t permit her to enjoy the Cheez-It Grooves!

The next day, Bob invites SBS to a jewelry store to purchase a diamond ring that looks like a Pringle potato chip and laugh in her face again about some extremely painful memories.  SBS can’t deal with his continued joking about how he was an abusive, sweat-soaked, psychopath.  He claims that his laughter on the matter is a defense mechanism to keep from crying.  LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!  I think we have finally uncovered the source of Bob’s profuse, medically concerning, sweating problem.  The liquid constantly draining from his body is actually the un-cried toxic tears of rage and regret.  Bob, we implore you…let that shit flow out of your crazy ass eyes!  SBS walks out on him, after she has to wrench her arm out of his savage grip.  As she walks out, he says “I’m not laughing”, as he laughs and mops the ancient tears escaping via his forehead with an old gym towel.  SBS hits the road and has an important epiphany, Bob failed the maybe we could get back together test and she dodged a bullet!

Next time, Cynthia and Peter edge closer to taking that final lap around the pool, the girls throw a divorce party for Phaedra, SBS and Bob go at it again, and Kenya and Phaedra go at it.

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