It’s like seeing a unicorn on roller skates, Phaedra and Kenya are taking a trip to Michigan a la Thelma and Louise style! They are throwing caution to the wind, hunni, up until they arrive at the camp where Kenya can’t bring herself to sleep on a luxury cot in “prison” like conditions. Yes, it seems our Miss USA might be too good to stay at the actual camp and take one for the children. Phaedra shrugs off Kenya’s diva demonstration and they tour the camp grounds on a dusty golf cart. Leave it to Kenya to wear all white to a camp ground and leave it to her to shout at the campers, “I was Miss USA”. The young girls run over to her, not because of her crown, but they are more interested in her teacup terriers.
The next day, Kenya hops on the shuttle from the Holiday Inn Express just in time to deliver her presentation for the “Character Development” portion of the program. She speaks about having courage to follow her dreams and how she fought to become Miss USA three times. Just think, if she had given up after being twice rejected, we may not have been blessed with knowing the insane asshole that is Kenya Moore. She invites some of the girls to join her in shouting from the deck top “I’m Fabulous!” and to learn how to twirl their problems away! A twirl a day keeps the haters at bay!
On day three, Phaedra is up to bat and she takes the kids out for some fun activities, such as zip line and a boat ride. Later there’s a talent show and I am praying to the Real Housewife Gods that Kenya won’t start yelling about coochie crack and call SECURRRITYYY! Some of the boys start sharing their stories about not knowing their parents or witnessing their parents being killed, there is not a dry eye in the house. Some of the campers gather around Phaedra and thank her for getting them out of their situation, even if it’s only for a week. It’s actually quite touching and Phaedra has actually done a Phine thing for these children.
Back in the ATL, it’s not all rainbows and panda bears. Porsha and Todd sit down to dinner and he tells her that his boss is ultra-conservative and gave him an ultimatum – your job or your DNC supporting Instagram girlfriend. He proudly tells Porsha that he chose her boobs and being scantily clad on Instagram over a steady paycheck, an act he anticipates Porsha will receive as valiant. However, she trips like a crack-house rat and labels him irresponsible. Todd’s reaction is odd, he is giggling like a school boy as he eats bites of her salmon off her plate. Her cleavage has clearly overpowered all of his common sense. I am so proud of our little Porsha, she’s like…adulting, and shit.
Later, we learn that Porsha fainted at the nail shop and she has a fainting condition caused by not enough blood flow to the brain. So. Many. Jokes. Here. Todd drops by with some ice cream and he is all over her like a smitten kitten. She feels the fainting spells are due to stress and Todd’s behavior is a baby-making-deal-breaker. Sidebar: Porsha is wearing very little makeup in this scene and she actually looks very pretty. She should set her makeup gun to “natural idiot hooker” a bit more often.
Meanwhile, Cynthia moves into Kandi’s home, and as she is backing her Range Rover up the driveway, Kandi is befuddled. Cynthia shouts out the window “I have to unload”, but Kandi didn’t expect more than an overnight bag. Cynthia has brought an amalgam of bizarre sleep over supplies, a small collection of wigs, cereal, Febreeze, and three large jugs of cranberry juice for that nasty UTI she picked up at the Club One opening. The next morning as Cynthia carts her Fruit Loops to the kitchen, she receives a call from Flavia Labia, realtor at large. The lake house is clear to close. Kandi breathes a sigh of relieve and mops her sweaty stress brow with Baby Ace’s receiving blanket.
Speaking of being a sweaty mess, Bob takes SBS to some sort of combination Parisian gift shop, defunct restaurant, and burlesque club in his continued effort to win her back. This place looks like it would smell of cat food and sadness. Bob was trying to summon the fond memories of a trip they had taken to Paris, not to be confused with their Spain trip, when Bob ended up throwing a glass of wine in the face of SBS and both were thrown out of the country. Ahh…memories! They share a private dinner and a single, pitiful cabaret girl performs. Once again, Bob is sweating like a farm animal. Seriously dude, this is hospitalization level sweating. It’s alarming and disconcerting, get that shit checked out. Bob lumbers up on the stage and starts dancing, the lone cabaret girl teases him about scheduling an appointment for a real lesson because well, he sucks. He plops back down by SBS and gives her a canned speech, thanking her for being a wonderful mother to their children and SBS inches closer to the possibility of reuniting.
The ladies meet for early-dinner by Phaedra, as a thank you for the participating in the pop-up-shop fund raising. Phaedra has been inspired by the lumpy cots and hot dogs and decides they shall all go “glamping”. Kenya thinks the impending trip is an opportune moment to ask Porsha how her anger management training is going. Or not going for that matter. Faster than a blink of a false eyelash, they go off the rails. Kenya and Porsha are going at it and then Kandi piles on. SBS gets line of the night, “I don’t think Porsha’s anger management has anything to do with taking a trip, I mean if the bitch wanna f*ck you up, she gonna do it in Atlanta!” WORD!
Kenya keeps asking obnoxious questions, “are you on medication, did you get a certificate?” As Kandi continues to rag at her, Porsha tells her to stop “piggybacking” on Kenya’s hogwash. Kandi tells her to “piggyback yo’ ass up!” The two say “piggyback” about 17 more times, to the point where it’s laugh-out-loud funny. If you are playing the drinking game at home, hide your keys. You are officially above the legal limit.
Porsha decides to walk away because her emotional temperature is becoming medically dangerous. I feel for Porsha somewhat because Phaedra did lead Kenya to believe that Porsha was open to discussing the anger management classes she was attending for like, one episode. Phaedra and SBS chase after Porsha, and Kenya insists on trailing behind, spewing more of her venom-nitro-fuel on the fire. This is the segment I like to call, “Arguin’ in the Parkin’ Lot”.
After Porsha tears out of the parking lot trying to run Kenya over like a scurvy dog, the remaining trolls discuss what went down. SBS points out that Kenya does provoke people, for example Matt playing whack-a-mole with her garage windows. Kenya tries to throw some shade at SBS saying she would know, having been in abusive relationships. SBS knows not of what she speaks and tells her, “giiirrrlll…you wish you were on my level!” With that, Kenya busts open her never ending bag o’ crazy and squats down and starts duck walking around the parking lot. Not to demonstrate the strength of her hamstrings and donkey booty dear reader, but rather to illustrate that SBS level is one of low-walking duck.
Porsha returns to the scene of the crime at Phaedra’s request, but everyone has already fled. Phaedra, SBS, and Porsha go back into the restaurant to hash it out. Phaedra chalks it up to Kenya’s lack of maturity, but Porsha suspects she is drinking the Kenya Kool-Aid. Porsha, still in full-on adulting mode, confronts her BFFL about telling Kenya that Porsha wanted to address the group about her anger management, but in typical Phaedra fashion, she denies saying anything of the sort. ROLL. THE. MOTHERF*CKEN’ TAPE! Porsha warns Phaedra that Kenya is a fake friend and she must exercise extreme caution. Frick and Frack are starting to crack!
Next week – shopping for glamping, SBS continues to stir the pot, and Cynthia talks to Matt about Kenya.