Smacking Miss Daisy

Well this week the ATL ladies are teeing up more drama than Tiger Woods.  We start with Kenya and Cynthia heading to the do-it-yourself dog wash.  First item of note is that gladiator sandals that wrap up the calf are not a good look for Kenya.  Her calves are bulging out of those things like stuffed sausage.  Second item of note is that Kenya kisses her dogs with full on tongue.  I’m not talkin’ just allowing the dog to lick her, but Kenya sticking her tongue out as far as it will go and waiting for the dog to lick her back.  Twirl is a smart pup, she refuses the lick, she knows where that tongue has been!  Speaking of where Kenya’s tongue roams…she and Matt are DUNZO…well for now, unless of course he gets it together and graduates from anger management and commits to attending three Rageaholics Anonymous meetings per week.  Then, and only then, may he have the proper potential with which Kenya may fall deeper in lust.

In other lip-licking news, Kenya informs her new BFF, Cynthia, that Papa Smurf has booked her to host the opening at Bar One and Done in Charlotte.  Cynthia is glad Kenya informed her since Papa Smurf didn’t inform her that he would be commandeering all of her friends in the divorce.  Kenya invites Cynthia to be her “date” since Matt will be held hostage at Tool Academy.  Across town, Peter is deep in the midst of a post-divorce crisis and purchases a Mercedes convertible on an open line of credit that Cynthia forgot to close.

In Porsha news, she is packing up the last of her things at her old home and finds that her mother was there and had left an old can of whipped cream on the counter.  Things that make you go “hmmmm”.

hmmm

She packs up that whipped cream and high-tails it to her mother’s house until she finds her new station in life.  She sneaks her new ex-boyfriend, Todd, into the house and shows him her Yoni egg and reads the informational pamphlet to him.  She uses the pamphlet to sage the air, puts some of the old whipped cream on a moldy strawberry, throws a mixed tape into the boom box, and they commence to have a good time as if they are teenagers again.

SBS is rocking a literal leopard print jump suit.  Literally with neon leopard bodies all over it.  She visits her publisher, apparently SBS is writing a juicy book.  It’s a tell-all/fiction/auto-biography/non-fiction/half-caf/3-shot/no foam/novel, entitled “Wives, Fiancées, and Side-Chicks of Hotlanta”.  The novel is loosely based on reality – this means you ATL cast-mates – and she will include all of the juicy stories she has been harboring in her mental filing cabinet of death.

Later, SBS decides to try Parkour as a new workout and a divisive way to injure Bob.  He jumps off a block and practically blows out a knee.  He is schvitzing like an overworked farm animal, but is saved by the bell as SBS takes a call from her publisher.  Naturally Bob is curious about what is going in the “tell-all” novel, specifically about him and wants to know if he gets any royalties.  He hopes this venture will be better than the fashion show with no clothes.  At least we know the book will have pages.

In other drama, Todd shows Kandi some cryptic Instagram post from Johnnie, Kandi’s ex-assistant.  Johnnie eludes to Kandi being disloyal and fake, but Kandi notes she had to let Johnnie run with the wind because he was starting his event planning bidness on the side and losing his focus on adequately wiping her butt after her defcon 5 dumps.  Kandi has him on the payroll for her upcoming Bedroom Kandi event, so let the confrontation begin!

kandi-pissed

At the 4th annual Bedroom Kandi convention, Kandi is bustling about greeting her sales force and ogling new vibrators for same-sex couples.  She pulls Johnnie off of dildo duty for a chat about his bitchy social media post.  She asks why he’s “feelin’ some kinda way” about her.  Johnnie is apparently still bitter about being fired by Don Juan the asshole and being underpaid.  Kandi tightens her pony-tail and clarifies that he had his side-bidness going and she knew it was only a matter of time before the side-bidness became priority, annnd he accepted the job for the pay rate he was making.  Johnnie isn’t backing down and as Kandi’s current thug-lette staff surrounds him, you can see the actual bridge burning to the ground.  Kandi tells him that he can call her a bitch or an asshole, but don’t call her fake!  She whips her ponytail around and tells Johnnie she will take her fake money and go elsewhere.  Johnny done fucked up.

Later, Johnnie pays a visit to Counselor Parks because he thinks he has a case against Kandi and her Factory.  Phaedra is taken aback, she thought they were “closer than two butt cheeks”.  Well the butt cheeks have separated in an unsightly manner, Johnnie claims he was wearing many hats for Kandi and wasn’t fairly compensated.  He presents Phaedra with his old paystubs for $500 a week, working 80 plus hours, and no benefits – a sad Johnnie mutters “I had to do Obamacare”.  She asks why he stuck around and he thought they would be bidness partners eventually, specifically in the restaurant venture.  He felt slapped in the face when Kandi went down restaurant road with Todd and the OLG, leaving Johnnie sad and penniless.  Phaedra gives him some false-hope, tells him he has a great case to recoup back pay or loss of future profits, and will refer him to a lawyer that specializes in that area of law.

phaedra-johnnie

Down in Charlotte, Cynthia and Kenya settle in their hotel room only to find that Matt has begun a social media rampage after learning that Kenya had Peter cancel his plane ticket without telling him.  He is hoppin’ mad and is driving to Charlotte, threatening Kenya via text to come back to him or he’s gonna go HAM (HOT ASS MESS).  As if that is even more possible at this point?!?!

go-ham

Club One is hoppin’ and Peter spots Cynthia walkin’ in “lookin’ like an ice cream cone”.  She takes him aside to explain that Kenya will not be attending due to the Matt situation, but she will step in as host for a modest cut of the booking fee.  Kenya decides to show up anyway and Matt rolls up at the same precise moment to confront Kenya.  Perfect timing Bravo intern!  We see Matt head over to her car, we hear a scuffle on the mic, and learn that Matt has opened the door and smacked the driver.  Matt squeals off in his SUV of doom and Peter phones him to find out What.  The.  Actual.  Fuck.

Matt claims the driver rolled his neck up in the window, so he smacked him.  Damn, I wish we could’ve seen that moment on tape!  Papa Smurf doles out some fatherly advice and tells him to slowly back-away from this relationship.  He tells Kenya the same thing and she is crying, AGAIN, “HE HAS SO MUCH POTENTIAL!”  At the end of the event, Cynthia gives Peter props for the Club One and Done opening and he hints that he lives right down the street…wink, wink…but Cynthia isn’t dipping her ice cream cone tonight, or any night!  She and her top knot smartly dismiss his overture as she mutters “awwwkward!”

awkward-meme

Next week – More broken glass at Moore Manor, Cynthia and Kenya become uninvited house guests at Kandi-Land, and the return of Marlo “Check my Charges” Thompson.

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