What better way to start the new year than to go see a man about rejuvenating your aging breasteses? Cynthia heads over to “Dr. Curves”, because that’s the name of a plastic surgeon I would entrust with my life. Anyhoo… she can’t possibly have this man superficially evaluate her breasts without her loving cast-mates in tow. They arrive one by one and Kandi is a bit irked because she didn’t anticipate having to see Phaedra fresh off their ill-fated dispute over the inappropriateness of Mama Joyce repeating 50 times that Drama wanted to “blow Phaedra the f*ck up!”
Enter Counselor Parks, the consummate professional. She keeps it cute and cordial, greeting her mortal enemy is if everything is copacetic. The ENTIRE GANG wedges themselves into the exam room to witness Cynthia’s consultation, Dr. Jimerson enters and I’m a bit shocked that Kenya didn’t ask him for his personal cell phone number and a house call. Cynthia challenges the Doc to guess who is fake vs. natural and he pegs Porsha and Kenya as fake, but Kenya insists she is natural and offers the Doc a feel and slips him her Twitter handle. Cynthia drops her top and Phaedra is alarmingly excited, screaming TITTIES and trying to squeeze them.
Kandi cops a feel and thinks they are quite nice, as is. The doc locates a bit of hardening, but for now she has plenty of mileage on the ol’ bags. Seeing as how she has now mortgaged her soul for the new lake house, Cynthia prudently defers boob maintenance for a few more years.
Later we learn that Cynthia sold her town home for $655,000 and the lake home is official. She shows her mom and Mal around and as they sit, gazing out onto the murky lake, Cynthia reflects on the fact that it would have been her 6th wedding anniversary. They pop some champagne to drink Peter off their minds, however Noelle is missing her Papa Smurf. Later she meets with her former step-dad to participate in some Hot Yoga. Peter walks in and tells the instructor he has never done Hot Yoga before, to which the instructor replies “ahhh, fresh meat!” Actually, he is old meat…old gassy meat. They do yoga for 90 minutes, all the while Papa Smurf is sweating like a farm animal and ripping some nasty hot, wet farts. As they walk out, Noelle confides in Peter that she was upset that no one took her feelings into consideration about this whole divorce thingie. Peter was trying to respect Cynthia’s space, but will make an effort to keep in touch. They begin to tear up from the methane gas leaking from Peter’s ass and they hot hug it out.
Across town, SBS meets with her interior designer, who shows her a $12,000 bed and a $4,000 chaise, as he uses a sample fabric swatch to wipe the sweat from his brow. SBS watches him do this and looks at him like “oh no you di’int!” As she reels from sticker shock and refuses to go back to IKEA, she starts talking baseboards and trim and is ready to throw her housewarming bash, sans dust and tittie sweat.
Kandi and Mama Joyce go shopping for diamond earrings for Riley’s 14th birthday and settle on a pair for $3,500, wow. When I was 14, I was lucky to get a pair of Calvin Klein jeans, back when they cost $50 a pair! Okay, showing my age…but I digress…Kandi tells Mama about the discussion with Phaedra, but Mama thinks Kandi has been to nice and someone should blow Phaedra the f*ck up. Later, Riley has an underwhelming reaction to the diamonds, but she is all in on the cake from the A&P and they all eat it right out of the container. She reveals that Block has called and wants to see her soon. Kandi thinks she should go alone, but Riley wants her mom to tag along. Mama Joyce flashes her crocodile grin and offers to go with Riley, now there’s an episode…Mama and Block face off.
Phaedra and Shamea decide to insert “yoni eggs” into their vaginas because Porsha wants her vaginal walls “to look like Sheree’s hamstrings, ready to pounce!” They insert, Porsha narrowly escapes damage to her taint, then they start “exercising”. Shamea keeps groaning about how “amaaaaaazing” it feels and at one point, we see Shamea performing downward dog in her mini-skirt with the string hanging out from between her legs. The Bravo intern who failed to cue up the black modesty box should be fired, ASAP. This. Has. Gone. Too. Far. SBS arrives late to the party and wisely claims it’s “that time of the month”, so she cannot partake, besides her lady parts are as tight as her top-knot! After all the flexing of the vaginal walls, Shamea and Porsha start talking about doing this again, but they should invite Kandi and Phaedra because they are both perverse freaks who love to insert foreign objects into their vaginas. SBS may be on the rag, but she is always up for stirring the pot. Her official role this season is to repeat all the damning things she hears, float them out there, and then sit back and watch the shit show. SBS brings up the rumor about Phaedra cheating on Apollo before he chased her with the power drill, flipped out over a Home Depot bucket of hinges, and then went to jail. Shamea decides to jump into the cesspool and claims that Phaedra at one time went after her own huzzzband.
Later, Porsha and SBS invite Phaedra for the lunch of death to inform her of the rumor Kandi is allegedly floatin’ on da’ streets of the ATL. Phaedra is sick of Kandi and her “homemade thug employees”. Then, in a masterstroke of bitchery, Phaedra pantomimes the international hand signal for sexual intercourse and states that Kandi and Shamea are sleeping together, and sometimes they throw li’l Todd into the mix. SBS calls her a “motherf*ckin’ liar”, but Porsha jumps on this train like the hot mess underground railroad express. Phaedra gets so excited that her bestie is on board for some good ol’ fashioned slander, that she almost chokes on the lemon seed stuck to her lip gloss.
Naturally, Porsha and her hench-woman SBS confront Kandi about the malicious rumors she has spread about Phaedra. Kandi goes ballistic on Porsha because she participated in the rumors and knows that Porsha in fact, took the photo of Phaedra that was texted to the mysterious “Chocolate”. Porsha is weaving a mess as tangled as SBS’s statement necklace. Kandi is so upset, she must forego tacos, and lawwwwd knows she doesn’t like to miss a meal. She grabs her bottled water and bolts.
Next week, someone is facing a lawsuit and another visit from Maniacal Matt!