Baseboard Brawlin’

Phaedra and Porsha arrive at the housewarming abyss, Kenya twirls over and summons Porsha outside for the uncomfortable conversation of the night.  “New Porsha” handled it calmly, the anger management sesh paid off.  We are treated to a history montage of Kenya calling security on various cast mates, which is several.  Phaedra and Porsha gracefully leave, what a waste of an outfit and a wig.

party-goers

Not to let a sleeping dog lie, She by Shereé kicks off her heels and sprints down the driveway and yells out “frick and frack”, bitch wants the low down and She by Shit Stirring is about to begin.  They spot Matt walking up the hill and cackle as they hike over to Chateau Shereé for the after-party.

matts-here

Matt and Kenya retreat to the bedroom so he can apply his half-assed apology for hulking out.  She hems and haws, he refers to her as his “queen”, which seems to be the magic word.  She decides that finding someone to put up with her brand of crazy and getting naked in front of someone new is too much work.  They return to the party and a cake in the shape of Moore Manor is served.  The cake is true to form – it looks pretty sad.

In Papa Smurf and Cynthia news, Cynthia is hanging out in her kitchen chatting with her daughter and Noelle questions if Cynthia has low self-esteem.  Honey, that hairstyle is enough to give me low self-esteem!

cynthia-esteem

Noelle doesn’t understand why her mother the supermodel would put up with so much shit from decrepit Papa Smurf for such a long time.  Cynthia is taken aback, but it’s the reality check she needs to verify she is making the right decision to call it quits.  Later, we see an emotional scene between Cynthia and Papa Smurf as the finalize their demise and he acquiesces to sign the paperwork.  As they part ways, Cynthia tells him his revenge bod looks good, he’s been workin’ out.  It’s a ruse Cynthia, burn the marriage contract (not the prenup) and RUN!

Over at the Kandi Koated Factory, Kandi and Todd are devising a way to capitalize on the birth of their son and have created yet another brand, “Raising Ace”.  They anticipate the best-selling product will be the full-size Koehler toilet seat.  Mama Joyce wanders in and, I shit you not, she is wearing her Walmart wedgie shoes of death and she is still sporting her wig from the Joyce DeWitt Collection.  Kandi dishes out the tea about Kenya’s ramshackle disaster of a housewarming party and Mama Joyce decides it will be Phaedra’s turn in the hot seat.  She feels Phaedra should be rotting in a cell alongside Apollo, how could she not have known he was up to no good?  “You see the man every day with a briefcase, but you don’t know where, you can’t call him at his office!”  It turns into a bit of a free-for-all at the Kandi Koated office after Mama Joyce proclaims that Phaedra could have been granted a divorce from the state of Georgia within two months due to Apollo’s prison time.  Kandi’s assistant quickly Google-checks the proclamation, comes up with something about a crime of moral turpitude, two years, and well, Mama is right!  One thing I know for sure, after Phaedra watches this footage of the Kandi Koated Factory crew slamming her, Kandi can kiss that friendship contract goodbye!

mama-joyce-sassin

Todd provides an update on the “Ol’ Lady Gang” restaurant and shocker – they are way behind construction schedule.  The OLG rolls up in the dirt parking lot to check out the construction site and Aunt Bertha is already wobbling out of the car muttering something about soupy grits.  Todd shows them around and puts on the hard sell since the place looks like a bomb went off, but the OLG seems impressed so far.

And now we get to the segment of dueling lunches!  Kenya and Phaedra meet for lunch, it seems these two are burying the hatchet and are well on their way to a permanent friend contract.  Meanwhile, across town, Porsha and She by Shereé are lunching at The Mill.  Porsha is going to plan some cockamamie event so she can invite Kenya and kick her out when she shows up.

The next day, Kenya has a hare-brained plan of her own to invite Cynthia and Kandi to a salon for some Brazilian “upkeep”.  Kenya is kinda nauseating, “now that Matt and I are back together, the bushes need to be trimmed.”  Ugh…PUKE!  Cynthia opts to have her arms waxed since her lawn doesn’t need to be mowed, anytime soon.  In the WTF moment of the episode, Cynthia is eating the sugar wax as if it were Lik-m-aid Fun Dip.  Kandi is wary, how would she know that the wax wasn’t in there from the last person’s “kitty kat?”  Umm…she wouldn’t, that’s why it’s ghastly and revolting.

fun-dip

It’s time for Porsha’s Bravo mandated event and they all gather at a mall storefront called the “Mystery Room”.  Everyone arrives in their yoga gear except for Cynthia and Kenya who breeze in wearing maxi-dresses, giant hats, and Cynthia Bailey Eyewear.  The purpose of the “Mystery Room” is to be locked in a tiny room for 30 minutes and work as a team to find and solve clues, leading them to the lock combination that will free them from said room.  Each room as a panic button they can press, which summons the poor chump stuck working the desk to enter said room and give them a freebie clue.

About ten seconds in, Team Porsha is ringing the clue button, and they continue to do so several more times.  After all is said and done, neither team succeeds and the party is breaking up.  This is the quickest get together I have ever seen, but wait…there’s more.  Before Kenya twirls on back to her un-done home, she decides she needs to “check a boo”.  Kenya confronts She by Shereé about all the trash talkin’ she did about Moore Manor and I can tell, now is NOT the time.  She by Shereé is in her workout gear and all pumped up.  She is wearing leggings as pants…need we say Moore?

leggins

They start going at it right out of the gate, it’s as if the Bravo intern prepped She by Shereé on the impending attack.  Get your best lines ready Shereé, the shit is goin’ down after you escape the Mystery Room!  It’s no tittie sweat off of her chest, She by Shereé is strong like bull.  She has an empty chateau full of insults for Kenya, and she zeroes in with laser-like focus on the lack of baseboards and trim at Moore Manor!  Kenya maintains “I don’t do trim!”  The acrylic fingernails of death are waiving, words “beyotch” and “HO” are peppered throughout the arguing!  Kenya throws out the “Chateau Thelma” jab, implying the house is in She by Shereé’s mothers name in an attempt to hide the assets from the IRS.  Geez, all we need now is Nene Leakes up in here, spewing some bitchy catchphrases from betwixt her Petco choppers!

Kenya has had enough and twirls out of the storefront, revealing her unsightly backfat.  She by Shereé wins line of the night – “bitch twirl on some mother*ckin’ baseboard!”

sheree-baseboard

Next week – an unwelcome Kandi Koated Factory visitor pops in, Matts sister labels Kenya a “cougar”, Papa Smurf is keeping in touch with Cynthia’s sister Malorie, and Kandi goes into the ugly cry.

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