Derailed

It’s the night of the Envy fashion show of disaster.  Melissa doesn’t seem prepared, she is doing a dry run as Tre arrives early and to assist with coaching the models on “giving more duck lip”.  No Tre, you are confusing that tactic with the marketing selfies.  The Envy models need to apply the “I’m starving, dead-in-they-eyes death stare”.

Anyhoo – in some other remote part of Joysey, Jacs is still installed into her couch and still has no voice, is still offended, and is still writing notes to her hubby in her “I hate everyone” burn book.

jacs-couch

Back at the fashion show, Tre catches up with bro Joe and compares Jacs to Osama Bin Laden – “she plants bombs and waits for them to go off!”  Later, Wakiles arrive and can’t get past the awkwardness with Teresa.  Dolores grabs Kathy’s ear to bend it about Jacs, but Kathy runs defense for Jacs.  Dolores gives her the patented Snooki eye-roll and isn’t buying the bullshit.

Siggy the softie has an unhealthy obsession with this cast getting along.  I mean, Sigster…have you seen this show?  She summons all the ladies to her home for an afternoon of crustless finger sangwiches and forgiveness.  Upon receipt of this verbal invitation, Tre asks “do you have insurance?”  Siggy makes a mental note to self – get that crazy Geico road lizard on the phone ASAP and up the liability coverage on my homeowner’s policy.

Everyone takes their places and the fashion show is off like a runaway train.  The models don’t have enough time to change and Melissa is manhandling the models backstage.  She ends up pulling it off with a slight hiccup of a four-minute pause in the parade, but she gives a lovely speech and thanks her fambly for their understanding.  Siggy invites Melissa to the friend-tervention luncheon, buys a bikini, and splits.  She tries texting and walking at the same time to no avail.  She attempts to invite Jacs via text to forgiveness lunch, but ends up inviting her to indigenous brunch.

Another day, Dolores does lunch with ex-hubby Frank the tank where she drops her own li’l bomb of destruction.  Frank is off the financial hook and she doesn’t need him anymore, except for those Saturday night 2 a.m. appointments.  He feels like she’s breaking up with him and Dolores hints at getting re-married.  Frank breaks out into a full-blown flop-sweat and dabs his brow with a cocktail napkin.  She admits she’s joking, after confirming she is still on the life insurance policy.  He reaches for the check, but she agrees to pick up the tab given all she had was a salad and water.  Next time, filet mignon on Frank!

Tre welcomes her lawyer for cowwwffe and a tawwwlk.  Juicy Joe is doing well, he’s already lost 10 pounds, and Tre couldn’t be more excited.  Do I smell another prison diet book in the making?  Tre laments, she used to be on top of her finances, but gave that responsibility over to Juicy Joe, along with her dignity, self-worth, and pride.  She vows to keep a closer eye on her finances and considers selling her bed, bath, and beyond a hot mess McMansion, because it’s too much to maintain.  She’s got four dawwwters to think about and G to the ia will be going away to college in a few shawwwt years.  I feel like I’ve entered a parallel universe – who woulda thunk it?  Teresa Goo-boo-chay, unexpected voice of reason.

Dolores and Siggy get together for lunch with their mothers.  Siggy starts handling the cured meats and yells about how they aren’t kosher.  Nothing much to see here, other than it took 16 excruciating episodes for me to realize that Siggy doesn’t know how to use her indoor, irrational, skank voice.

In other boring news, Joe made Melissa a nice dinner of chicken cordon bleu and some fruity dessert to show his appreciation for her hard work.  Wasn’t this the man who had a full-throttle, pedal to the metal, meltdown over trying to cook up some chicken cutlets for his children earlier this season?  Me thinks he picked up a to-go order at Pasta Pronto and threw the stuff in a pan – a la Kenya Moore style.  Melissa reports that since the fashion show, her online sales have tripled – so yay, she got three orders.

joe-dinner

It’s the final showdown, at RAILS…Join us for shrimp cocktail and the shattering of all your friendship goals!  Siggy decided to heed Teresa’s warning about having insurance and decided to move the venue for the Jacs-ter-vention from her home to Rails.  She also hired two SECURITY goons in case things go horribly awry and she scurries around the table to remove the steak knives.  Tre and Melissa prep for battle on the car ride over, Tre predicts Jacs will beat feet after five minutes.  She knows Jacs all to well and these two are showing team unity as they walk arm-in-arm into the den of confrontation.  Sidebar:  What is the actual temperature in Joysey?  Tre’s getup suggests Arctic winds out of the east, while Melissa’s winsome sundress suggests balmy and breezy.

melissa-tre-besties

Siggy greets Jacs who has now found her voice and proceeds to lay down all of her stipulations like a rock star rider.  She will see one person at a time, Dolores goes first, Tre second, Melissa doesn’t even get a backstage pass, and finally Jacs will require a caged Bengal tiger, a white miniature grand piano, and atop the piano shall be placed an oversized snifter full of M&M candies with the red ones removed.

Dolores enters and out of the gate gives Jacs a hug and apologizes for her end of the shit.  Well, that was diffused quickly.  However, there is still the matter of Tre – Jacs has an inflated sense of confidence and her acrylic fingernail of death is all warmed up and ready to waive.

jacs-finger

Tre and Melissa walk in and Jacs immediately starts ordering them around – Melissa leave, Tre sit down….really Jacs, are you sure you want that to be your opening volley?  Tre doesn’t take orders, Siggy tries to intervene “let’s tawwwlk lower to each other, something new for us!”  To no avail as it GOES OFF THE RAILS AT RAILS!  Tre calls Jacs “Miss Teacher”, Jacs doesn’t like that word, calls Tre a “bitch”, and Tre hulks out and fires back with “C-U-Next Tuesday!”  Tre refuses to tawwwlk to Jacs one-on-one, calls her “evil to the core”, Jacs gets wound up and leaves.

tre-melissa-security

Dolores takes off her shoes and runs through the parking lot after Jacs, but Siggy faces a moral dilemma, “I just got a pedicure!”  Jacs sees them running after her getaway Range Rover, pokes her head out of the passenger side, laughs, and tells her driver (undoubtedly Chris) to gun it.

sigy-pedicure

Dolores and Siggy sulk back into Rails, shoes in hand.  Tre cracks up at them and feels vindicated, knowing Jacs would split the minute things didn’t go her way.  The remaining four ladies reflect on the positive, Siggy is still hosing her fambly dinners, Dolores is building her gym empire all on her own, unless Frank leaves a li’l somethin’ on the night stand, Melissa is considering expanding Envy now that her online sales are up to six, and Tre has found a new yoga partner in none other than, prostitution hooowah, Danielle Staub.  Meanwhile, Jacs is on her own, and shocking…hasn’t spoken to her cast-mates.  Jacs is focused on her “Glamma” duties, which will largely include raising her grandchild.

tre-and-danielle

A collective sigh, but it’s not over until the fat lady sings.  Next week, reunion part 1 of 82, oh Moses smell the roses… the preview has Tre yelling “you set me up!”

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