Soldier Girl

Picking up were left off with the fambly argument, Joe ushers Tre to the car, congratulating her for not snapping off like a wild banshee and flipping every godforsaken table at Rails.  In other “we can’t possibly stay out of everyone else’s bidness” news…Jacs, Dolores, and Siggy conduct a conference call with Rosie and Kathy.  Bottom line:  Kathy and Rosie believe the end result was bittersweet – Tre needs some space right now, but her door is always open.  Jacs as confused as Jessica Simpson in a library…makes no sense…Tre told Jacs that Kathy and Rosie were dead to her.

This lays the ground work for the impending doom of the Vermont trip.  Tre is packing and the girls would rather take their mother on a guilt trip.  They would rather run a mile in gym class, be forced to shower with their classmates, and dry off with a linty washcloth, than spend a weekend with their father.  Across town, Melissa packs all the ingredients for drama, she invited Tre’s feisty friends Robyn and Christina and she has declared Jacs “acting weird” now that Melissa and Tre are BFFL.

Jacs came up empty after perusing the clearance rack at Forever 21, so she pays a visit to Kim D. at Posche for some extra special ingredients to blend into her own drama potion.  Kim invites Jacs to yet another ill-fated fashion show.  I can see the finale now, it’s a motherf*ckin’ walk off between Posche 2.0 and ENVY!  Kim D. is still grasping at tired ol’ straws, now she claims that she heard through one of Melissa’s old employees that Derek, who is managing Envy, has been selling stories about Tre.  When Tre was at a Posche fashion show, where only everything can go wrong, she was peddling bootleg copies of her books for strictly cash and Monopoly currency transactions.  This looked extremely immoral, given her legal issues, so naturally Derek filmed it on iPhone and sold it to the tabloids.  GENIUS!  Oh wait…JACS.  MUST.  WARN.  TRE!  OMG – Kim D. states, “as long as I live”, (which face it, won’t be long for this crypt keeper), she doesn’t believe Tre and Melissa will ever be true friends.  Siggy had joined them to shop and is more interested in the disintegrable, break-away, blue skank dress than in hearing this drama.

The party bus to hell departs from the Goo-boo-chay estate of horrors.  Juicy Joe can’t leave the state, so he is relegated to sulking back into the house and contemplating over a vaginal rejuvenation pamphlet.  Yasssss Juicy Joe, you gotta keep your stuff right and tight for the boys in the klink.

Sidebar:  Later in the episode, we get a snippet of life back at casa Goo-boo-chay, Juicy Joe watches Milania make perfect pancakes.  She threatens to kick him, “really hard, where the sun don’t shine.”  So not appropriate for her to speak to him in that manner, but oh so delightful.  I implore you Bravo, get this kid her own show.

The women on the bus of destruction are all talking loud and cackling, they give a toast and offer Tre their support since she will be a single mother soon.  OKAY… BACK.  UP.  THE.  MOTHERF*CKIN’.  PARTY.  BUS.  We learn from the wayback machine, that Tre and Chris Laurita went on a date in prehistoric times.  Chris admits he did not pursue Tre because “she seems really into this fat, sweaty, hairy, Mucinex slug, Joe guy.”  Dodged a HEWGE bullet there, Laurita.  Count your blessings and dive out of the emergency exit window of said party bus.

vermont-party-bus

Now an installment from “Jacs Laurita, Fambly Argument Translator!”  Jacs just can’t help her stupid self, although I guess that’s why Bravo pays her the mediocre bucks.  Tre summarizes her view of the Kathy/Rosie debacle in three words, “DOOR.  CLOSED.  DONE!”  Enter Robyn the irrational hothead skank, who has an issue with Rosie because she would not return Robyn’s texts after they had a one-nighter at Club Feathers.  We learn another li’l juicy nugget and flash back to Rosie walking away from Robyn when confronted at Tre’s book signing.  Rosie is a straight up G and has no time for Robyn’s shenanigans.

jacs-making-point

Jacs is still confused by the confusion over the conclusion of the Tre/Kathy/Rosie sit-down.  Melissa tries to break it down, Jacs asks her if she’s thick in da’ f*ckin’ head, gives Melissa the finger wave coupled with calling her “honey”.  Oh Mylanta…dems fightin’ words!  Jacs is really doing her civic duty via public service announcement, Tre is now delivering a different message to the group, and Kathy and Rosie are not clear on that point.  Tre summons Joe to back her up, but he cannot tell a lie.  He admits she said the door was open, but only because she was being “nice”.  I wouldn’t call it nice, I would call it trying to save face, make herself look good, and spineless.

Jump forward to later that evening, they have arrived at the resort, put on their bathrobes, and consumed copious amounts of alcohol.  It’s time for s’mores and a showdown at the fire pit.  Jacs clues Melissa in on the Derek gossip, but Melissa defends – Jackie brought Derek into the Envy mix and he’s all good.  Aside from the fact that Kim D. is a lying whoo-ah and we revisit stripper-gate, where the gossip runs rampant and Tre’s hair choices still unfortunate.  Bottom line, Jacs and Tre encourage Melissa to google Derek’s motives.

Robyn decides to forego roasting her marshmallow and opts to roast Jacs, “you confuse the living poo out of me, you aren’t direct, and you’re judgmental.”  Well, that’s not passive aggressive or judgey at all!  Jacs calls Robyn Teresa’s solider and Robyn loses her shit, “YOU CALLING ME A F*CKIN’ SOLDIER MAKES ME WANT TO RAGE ON YOUR F*CKIN’ ASS!”  Jacs yells, “DO IT!  RAGE ON MY F*CKIN ASS!”

rageon-my-ass

With that, Jacs offers Robyn her ass by plopping down on her lap.  Jacs is clearly hammered, but in this case I find her rejoinder quite entertaining.  Robyn wants to drag Tre into the argument, but the gang migrates back into the hotel lobby, Robyn threatens to punch Jacs in the re-done face, Jacs calls Robyn trash, Siggy puts the kibosh on.  Everyone go sleepy, we will take out the trash in the morning.

jacs-lap

The next day, everyone is gobblin’ down hash browns and eggs in preparation to go dogsledding, but Jacs has barricaded the door to her room.  Later the gang goes skiing, watching Joe fall and ski into pine trees is EVERY.  THANG.

joe-ski-fall

Tre and Melissa shuffle down the bunny hill and have a fake conversation about Jacs, decide they still don’t like her, pinky swear, and BFFL!  As if we could ever take Melissa seriously before, we certainly can’t now with this rabid kitty ski mask.  In case you missed this horror show:

melissa-kitty-mask

Siggy receives a text from Jacs announcing that she and Chris had a spectacular day, sexing it up and day drinking.  Umm…EWWW!  They return to the resort and Jacs announces she will depart the next day with her hubby.  Chris says his peace and feels that Robyn is the problematic element.  Siggy is infuriated at their departure, she cannot eat cheese and syrup from Vermont without Jacs!

Dolores has an epiphany whereby she cracks the mathematical equation that drives the entire Bravo network.  Robyn threatens to punch Jacs (drama) + Tre on probation and cannot be in midst of a scuffle (pesky detail) + last three minutes of show = SOMEONE NEEDS TO GO! (CLIFFHANGER….DUN, DUN, DUNNNNNNN!)

Next week, Dolores will task Melissa and Tre with the dismissal of Private Robyn and it looks like Jacs comes unglued.

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