Siggy front and center doling out relationship advice to Rosie. Rosie and Tre’s relationship is like a big pimple, she says, and Rosie must do the poppin’. Siggy advice about as good as Dr. Phil.
Because she can’t shut the hell up and there’s no buffet, Jacs weighs in. As if we give a shit what comes out of her re-done face. Rosie feeling positive, will fight to the death. Siggy vows to do anything in her professional power to assist. The Bravo mandated lunch of confrontation will happen, Rosie will drink ta dat!
In other boring news, Melissa and Joe visit plastic surgeon for botox to help with migraines. Melissa thinks this is spending quality time. Across the river, Asslee and Pete are fake apartment hunting in Hoboken. Pete walks Asslee down by river, drops to knee and proposes. Asslee of course says yes, but can’t muster up tears through her own Botox.
Asslee and Pete spring the news on Chris and Jacs. Chris wishes Pete lotsa luck. He gives a nice toast with marital advice “love comes first”. No Chris, living within your means and paying your bills comes first! My advice, RUN AS IF YOU’RE IN HELL. AND YOUR SHOES AND ASS ARE ON FIRE!
Melissa and Tre are embarking on a fitness walk in their bubble gum pink Nikes. Juicy Joe not handling impending incarceration well, his strategy is drink, drink, drink. Tre’s strategy was denial, denial, denial. She pretended nothing was happening, right up until the prison guards pried her lip gloss out of her sweaty hand and delivered her a butthole full of delousing powder.
Melissa welcomes Siggy with some free jeans from Envy and a spot of champagne. Melissa so excited she and Tre on da right path, let’s do a mental health trip to Vermont! Siggy looks like she would rather shower in women’s prison. Melissa gently reminds her that Tre did just that. She must stay local, that pesky parole officer thingy. Tre arrives, has some champagne, but turns her nose up at the tray of sprinkle cookies. Tre is hesitant to head to Vermont, the girls, Juicy Joe, and all…but Siggy puts on the hard sell like a game show host, all aboard the party bus to Vermont!
Jacs drops by Dolores’ gym for a visit, has a quarter pounder with cheese in hand like a dumb twat who can’t figure out why she isn’t losing any weight. Dolores puts Jacs on the swinging ab machine. They touch on impending wedding plans, Jacs can’t afford a big wedding, she is thinking a bounce house in the back yard and maybe some chicken and waffles. Dolores already printing up gym membership certificate on her ink jet as wedding gift.
Tre, Jacs, and Siggy meet at Rails…a befitting place to go off said rails. Siggy starts fambly intervention tawwwlk. Tre starts singing, then quickly turns on the dagger death stare, “do all respect to both of you, I don’t fucken’ get involved in your fambly life, so don’t get involved in mine. How do you say ‘capeche’ in Jewish?” Tre ain’t havin’ it, Jacs needs to keep her 4th nose out of Tre’s bidness. Flashback of Tre and Kathy fighting, Tre poor hair choices, wow. Maybe that’s why she’s so mad. Tre concludes she is not ready, actually apologizes for snapping at Jacs. MIND. BLOWN.
Siggy and Jacs visit the Wakile’s. After Jacs sufficiently stuffs her face, she and Siggy dish on the meeting with Tre at Rails. Kathy relives the fight and starts spinning out of control. Melissa and Joe arrive just in time for this to get reeeeeeal ugly. Melissa keeps putting kibosh on the convo because she’s done venting to the Wakile’s. She’s in a good spot with Tre, so to hell with them. Richie pipes up, implies Tre can’t handle the fact that Richie and Kathy have a genuine relationship. Joe goes off. Tongue doesn’t have bones, but it can break bones. From the looks of that kiss Richie gave Kathy, her tongue give him a bone!
Rosie goes off, Kathy always bearing the brunt of the fambly drama. Joe can get behind the idea of a sit down, agrees to push Tre.
Tre meets Joe at a gym that is not partly owned by Dolores. Tre starts pumping iron, Joe broaches lunch subject, Tre not interested after meeting with “Ziggy”. Finally, Tre agrees to go if Joe goes…and if she doesn’t have to eat, talk, or stay.
It’s the day of the sit down at Rails. Air kiss hello, Tre wearing her resting bitch face and Joe, his resting douche face.
Tre’s opening volley is basically, leave me the hell alone. Forever, you rotten cancerous sketch balls. When Tre attacks Richie, Kathy starts to lose it. Tre snaps waiter head off…THERE WILL BE NO EATING! NO I DON’T WANT CALAMARI AND GET AWAY FROM ME WITH THAT WATER PITCHER OF DEATH! Here’s how the sit down goes in a nutshell [Kathy/Rosie played below by color red]:
Richie negative! Put my cookbook in garbage!
I took it out!
DON’T GO THERE!
Here we go!
THERE WILL BE NO EATING!
Haven’t heard from you guys…no card while I was away…not even some ramen noodle packets or a cannoli with a file in it!
We asked to be on the list…
You go internet, google, Danbury!
YOU SHUT ME OUT!
You’re only sniffin’ around because I’m in public eye again!
ME: WELL THAT WOULD BE SKETCH AS F*CK!
You shut us out
Cut the cancer out!
We’re not cancer
You don’t want to ever be a fambly again?
LOOK AT ME YOU SQUIRRELY BEYOTCH!
ME: WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT USE THE WORD ‘UNATTENDED’!
I’m not beggin’ you anymore
We are an embarrassment
Wish you the best
TIME MENDS ALL
ME: I’m pretty confident Joe has that tattooed somewhere on his body
Door is open
We’re still cousins, still blood
You ever need anything…
Check for million dollars
Gotta go! Luv ya’!
Kathy and Rosie think they have possibility of healing this three-ring shit show, but Tre takes this sit down as closure. She is obviously hurting, goes into the ugly cry in the car. There’s not enough leopard print cold shoulder tops and body glitter in all of Joysey to heal this wound.
Next week, Vermont. Melissa and Jacs fighting. Jacs fights with an interloper, Tre’s friend Robyn.