Crumb Cake

Siggy’s daughter clueless, no understanding why grandparents being Holocaust survivors is KINDA.  A.  BIG.  DEAL!  UGH…Kids today!  Enter Josh.  Yelling.  License.  Buy me car.  Get away from my butt and thighs.  Josh better toddle off with is “entitlement” segue and get the hell off my screen.  Later, Siggy has BFFL relationship with ex-husband, Mark.  Siggy fix Mark up with new mail order bride.  Take Josh out for birthday, Josh can’t wait to flee this pop stand to go get “turnt”.  Josh complains to dad about mom rubbing butt and thighs, but he admits he loves mom.  Keeping with “rewarding bad behavior theme”, Siggy and Mark reward Joshie with a shiny new SUV with, OMG, wait for it…BLACK.  RIM.  TIRES!  No idea what that means, but incites shrieking from Josh.  Must admit, car is nicer than any ol’ hooptie I’ve owned in whole entire pathetic life!

Melissa enters door, Joe attacks, do not pass GO, do not say hello to kids, do not collect $200 in single dollar bills.  Joe lost huge bidness deal.  Joe had to be a father instead.  Joe MAD.  Melissa equally as MAD!  Joe so friggin’ ol’ skewl.  Bitch.  Ain’t.  Havin’.  Any.  Of.  It.  You bring in crumbs, I bring in cake!  Oh.  No.  He.  Dinunt!

no-he-didnt

Later Siggy stops by, wanders in back door with soggy piece of mail left on stoop.  Probably a subpoena.  Siggy gives Melissa her best advice, marriage like car, no gas, no move, shpilkes in your genektagazoyk!  Siggy faith in Joe.  He will wear apron, he has worn dress!  Many dresses!  Later Melissa make Sunday Sauce and serve day old crumb cake to fill Joe’s gas tank.  Make Gorga’s all better.

shpilkes

Tre brings girls over to Jacs’.  Girls hang out with Nicholas, Milania showcases sensitive side and is very good with him.  Jacs and Tre kitchen for cawwwfeee tawwwwlk.  Nicholas unattended with Milana.  Wait.  For.  The.  Screams.  Of.  Terror.  Lucy-n-Ethel have moment.  Jacs does jump-n-straddle.  Tre grabs her butt and thighs.

Dolores learns Kathy and Rosie not invited to Tre’s book launch.  Kathy bigger fish to fry.  Daughter Victoria brain tumor acting up.  Kathy over Tre’s bullshit.  Rosie brilliant idea, crash book signing, grab Tre’s butt and thighs, mend fambly.

Lawyer stops at Goo-boo-chay house o’ homemade wine for weekly Juicy Joe gut check.  Juicy Joe spiraling further into oblivion.  To hell with fambly time!  Must.  Drink.  Every.  Last.  Drop.  Homemade.  Vino.  Before.  Liver.  Rejuvenation.  Camp.

Tre and Juicy Joe Thai yoga massage.  Perfect opportunity to have strangers grab butt and thighs.  Tre preps Juicy on story they’ll feed their precious dawwwters about his pending incarceration.  Juicy Joe burn Tre’s flag of delusion!  Tell da’ truth!  Precious dawwwters knew exactly where Tre went!  They know “going to work at prison camp to write book to pay for your college” is bullshit.  “They know everything, they got computers today, babe!”  Tre look like stunned mouse in Dixie cup!  She should.  When Juicy Joe tell you honesty is best policy, giiiirrrrl you know your shit is fucked up!

bitch-please

Night of book signing.  Dolores tell Jacs and Chris about Kathy and Rosie’s “guttural hurt”.  Dolores drops the bomb.  Kathy and Rosie crashing book signing.  It’s about to get ugly up in Barnes & Noble.  Tre situated at B&N, snapping pics, signing books for her 25 fans.  Two Joes cop a guttural squat in reading nook.  Juicy Joe not prepared for da’ big house.  Plan is to get in, get da’ f*ck out.  Head down.  Mind yo’ bidness.  Shower with your back to da’ wall!  Best prison advice, ever.  Or in any arena of life.

In face of Kathy and Rosie, Tre cordial.  Smiling.  Kathy like, “get my texteses?”  Tre is all “oh new phone, changed my area code, confused it with my bedazzled home arrest ankle monitor and threw it away, but whaaaa, no I always answer my texteses, never leave people hangin’!”  Rosie calls bullshit at the book signing, but nevertheless, invites Tre to lunch for Tuscan Trios at the Olive Garden Branch.

rosie-beggin

Jacs and Dolores pretend taking selfies while spying on slapdash shit show.  Tre’s time precious, can’t spare an hour for backbiting fambly cousins!  Rosie begging for crumb of Tre’s time.  Ugh, what won’t she do for Bravo paycheck?!?!?!  Tre would rather eat sprinkle cookies from flipped tables in Melissa’s re-done home with some prostitution whoo-ahh, than have lunch with her cousins.  Tre brushes them off with aplomb, returns to her line of 25 fans, and pretends they were nothing more than unsavory groupies.  Rosie meanders to reading nook, apologizes Juicy Joe, for “y’know, bein’ a douche!”  Juicy Joe don’t know what douche is, wants to go home, homemade vino to drink and da’ time is tickin’!

Next week, Pete proposes Ass-lee.  Tre snaps off Jacs.  Richie and Joe rumble.  Tre cuts ties Kathy and Rosie.

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