Namaste, Bitches

Crazy caterwauling broads heading out for mandatory Bravo sponsored vaca from hell.  Melissa packed her entire hair and makeup team in her largest Costco Louis Vuitton knockoff.  Tre looking forward to celebrating the removal of her bedazzled ankle bracelet and knockin’ a few back, but alas…Jacs will be there and hell hath no fury like a broke ass beyotch who sits at home behind washing machine in basement dreaming up ways to make your prison life look like a productive trip to Wal-Mart.  Siggy has sufficiently analyzed everyone, stopped at Dunkin’ Donuts, and made she and Jacs late to the party.  They get shitty rooms in basement at Crystal Springs Resort, which is about 1/8th the size of one of their McMansions.

Handshake

Jacs giving Tre the cold shoulder even though not wearing cold shoulder top.  Siggy awkwardly introduces Tre and Jacs, as if they have never ripped out each other’s weaves.  Jacs extends a hand.  Tre appalled, clearly expecting fake-ass hug and air kisses.  Ladies sit down for dinner, discuss financial difficulties.  Is this really best subject?  Siggy’s hubby down and out when they met, stood by her man!  In 2008, Melissa faced the great diaper and Costco membership famine.  Rather than halt construction on their re-done home to meet the basic necessities of life, they decided to add on a 15th bathroom, for resale value y’know.

Ladies head outside for fireside chat, more drinks, s’mores, and some blankies-n-cuddles.  They discuss being career oriented and balancing fambly.  Welcome to the world, so nice of you to join us.  Jacs has overwhelming need for facial tissues.  Tre tries to turn mood around and invites everyone to her book signing party, which is hopefully foreshadowing for throwdown of some sort.  This Kumbaya shit sucks donkey ass.

Jacs hatches plan to phone the house husbands and trick them into thinking the women are brawling, which reflects faux-drama from the previews.  Thanks for nuttin’, Bravo!  Melissa livens it up, let’s play wine pong!  They all get hammered from chugging wine out of red Solo cups and go night-night!

Next day, everyone looks like they just barreled out of Willie Nelson’s tour bus, they sit, hungover, eating breakfast.  Jacs in basement, crying her false eyelashes off.  Siggy instant counseling sesh reveals Jacs has case of sads.  Housewives tawwwwlk about their kids, sports, sending Jacs into chasm of despair over Nicholas and his different types of victories.  Tre makes lame attempt to comfort, twirling Jacs’ ponytail, while promising her that Nicholas will someday make it to the cheer leading squad, for realz.

Jacs crying

Ladies head out to the pool, Melissa and Dolores have a poolside chat about Tre and Melissa still walking on eggshells around her beloved sissy-in-law.  Jacs can’t stop herself from being annoying.  She thinks they are talking about her and Tre, “would you like to share with the rest of the class, secrets don’t make friends!”  Neither do adults who ride the hot mess express.

They head inside to have spa treatments, not a moment too soon.  Jacs becoming more annoying by the sip.  Tre and Jacs in private room for body brushing mud treatment.  Tre offers herself to Jacs, “call me, I’ll drop Milania off at your house until she’s 18 everything for you and give you a car ride since you can’t act normal don’t like the highway, we’ll go to Cowwwwwstco!”  Jacs gets a case of all the feels…aww so sorry for inviting you to dinner at my house and launching a full-blown, pedal to the metal, nitro-burnin’ bitch attack.  Watch out, the BFFL are back!

Everyone cooking dinner, group effort, all eyes on Tre and Jacs and the progression of their friendship renewal spa treatment.  That must cost extra.  Friendship contract not included.  Jacs waxes philosophical about friendship with Tre, they will grow old together, pluck each other’s’ mole hairs.  Siggy performs a rather bizarre demonstration, dumping olives in and out of a jar, basically calling Jacs deep and Tre simpleton.  Jacs about as deep as a bird bath and Tre too simple to pick up on the backhanded insult.

Tre feeling playful, Tre feeling like flipping something.  She flips tray of chocolate out of Melissa’s hands.  Melissa kinda pissed, Tre gets what she deserves, melted chocolate all over the ass of her Sears catalog velvet tracksuit.

Tre chocolate

Jacs acting crazier than a road lizard, accusing Dolores and Melissa of tawwwwlking about her again.  Siggy hears, rushes from kitchen to mediate situation.

Jacs Pointing Again

Melissa tired of the paranoia, foreshadowing for Melissa Jacs feud.  Next day, Tre leads yoga sesh, everyone wants Jacs to simma the fuck down.

Simma

Tre announces yoga stimulates farting and queefing.  Siggy stops in tracks, hold up, what’s queef?  They explain, oooh “vagina fart”.  Annnd…Namaste, bitches!

Yoga fart

Next time, Dolores finally lets Boo go and the non-dynamic duo makes an appearance at Tre’s book party.

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