Snow is falling in Jersey, we start with Dolores “I want to stand on my own two feet right after I squeeze every last dime out of former Mr. New Jersey for my kitchen remodel”. While Dolores was out having her weave refreshed so it no longer smells like spaghetti O’s, Frank got to work. No kitchen remodel for you. We are refacing the cabinets with a kit we bought on clearance at Home Depot. You’ll get nothing and like it.
Jacs is busily relieving her Teresa induced stress by shoveling her drive for the impending arrival of Siggy and Dolores. Must rehash the Jacs/Tre rematch. Jacs recounts. Tre poking, bringing up four-year old fight, which they made up from three times. Maybe they need to make up for each year? Siggy analyzes. Trigger points. Verbal fencing. Bill for $575 in mail to Jacs from Siggy’s office.
Dolores has bigger fish to fry. Her beloved dog, Boo, is having kidney failure. Throwing up all over her Versace sheet set. Why she keeps him laying around the house is beyond me. Siggy and Jacs show up in their finest bandannas and pigtails to throw some sledgehammers into flimsy drywall.
Dolores receives reality check phone call from her bidness partner, Maz, who wants her financially dependent on Frank ass at work. Dolores admits she is riding gravy train with biscuit wheels and intends to ride cowboy Frank until he dies. Dolores, seriously…get into your gym, do some squats, a burpee or twelve, and inspire your customers. Siggy lays it down, do some adulting. I’ll send a bill, or shall I just direct debit Frank’s checking account?
Meanwhile, Melissa feathers ruffled. Cannot believe that see you next Tuesday, Jacs, put her hubby Joe on THE SPEAKER PHONE OF TRUTH. Melissa summons Jacs for tête-à-tête so she can “nip it in the butt”. Good luck with that. Nipping butts = no storyline, no drama = no Bravo paycheck.
Jacs and Melissa have Mexican standoff. Jacs fires up, waving acrylic nail of death in Melissa’s face. Jacs isn’t buyin’ the “new Namaste Tre”. They agree to discontinue tawwwlking about Tre. Waiter intrudes. Shut the hell up and eat your salads in awkward silence.
Siggy trying to establish traditions with her family, seeking advice from her parents. Mother from Iraq and father survivor of holocaust. Siggy feels she has compromised her heritage and has adopted being Italian. Siggy’s father assures her that one day her sanctimonious children will appreciate the overbearing mothering. Parents seem like sweet people, what the hell are they doing on this three-ring shit show?
Siggy talking with her son, apparently doesn’t know who Andrew Jackson is. Siggy must not deal in $20 bills. She announces the fambly will be having kiddish once or twice a month. Kids are thrilled, not allowed to have their phones. It’s FRIDAY NIGHT SIGGY, have you lost your dayum mind?!?! Sophie protests, NO PHONE FOR YOU – ANOTHER WEEK! Siggy is phone Nazi. Wow, that joke in bad taste. I appall myself. Josh gets busted with his phone under the table, NO CAR FOR YOU!
In other bratty kid news, Ass-lee tells Jacs that she is so happy she has young parents and Jacs is the “cool mom”. Uh in what warped universe? Ass-lee’s boyfriend Pete shows up for fambly dinner. Jacs and Chris grill them about moving in together, but Chris warns them to slow down. Pete awkwardly helps Jacs in the kitchen, but has ulterior motive. Wants Jacs to assist him with engagement ring selection. They hit “Diamond Jewelry Way”, the search for the perfect ring befitting a rotten, surgically altered, twenty something, with a grossly exaggerated sense of entitlement begins. Pete zones in on a three carat cushion cut with a thin diamond band. Hey, go big or go home. Jacs reminds Pete how they can “upgrade over the years”. UPGRADE FROM THREE KARATS, PEOPLE. Great advice future MIL, live beyond your means so you may subsist on cat food and die penniless, while maintaining expressionless face via back alley botox.
It’s a big day at the Goo-Boo-Chay home, Juicy Joe has surgically removed Tre’s bedazzled ankle bracelet. Milania and Audriana think the removal of the contraption means mommy will no longer have to “work”. Ugh, these lame explanations. Later, Juicy decants the wine as Tre greets Joe and Melissa. Tre is feeling lighter than air, but what would be better is if she could get an “edamame” and have her pooper cleaned out. Melissa clarifies, ENEMA? Oy vey! The term she is searching for is “colonic” and it has nothing to do with steamed, salted soybeans in the husk served at Japanese restaurants. Tre recounts the blow by blow with Jacs. Melissa whips out astrological chart and determines Jacs and Tre will never get along. Melissa will chase them out of the figurative forest if they don’t knock their shit off.
Another unknown day and time, Tre calls fambly meeting to employ tactics she learned from Counselor Healy while “away at camp”. Everyone must write down fambly improvements they would like to see. Tre would like to see Juicy be “less rough” with the girls after witnessing him kick/slide Audriana under the bed whilst she was in full downward Ho pose. Milania wants to eradicate her sisters and everyone needs to stop calling her fat. Especially Juicy Joe. Milania proceeds to read him like a trashy novel… “AND YOU’RE SO FAT! You look like your pregnant and having, like, four babies!” Milania’s other request is for Tre to put down her phone and pay attention to her. PREACH SISTA!
It’s G to the ia’s turn. Juicy Joe must contain his temper and Tre stop over reacting. Tre shrieks…WHAAAAATTTT? I’M SOOOOO MELLOW SINCE I’VE BEEN HOME FROM “CAMP”! SEE, I DO YOGA! As for Gabriella, she has nothing to say, bitch ain’t havin’ it. Wants to get back to planning where she will bury the bodies. The next day, the fambly goes indoor skydiving to celebrate Milania’s 10th birthday, which they are keeping “low key”. Nothing says “low key” like a hot pink oversized Hummer. In a sobering moment, Milania announces that she would like to go “real skydiving” for her 11th birthday, but it sinks in that at that time next year, Juicy Joe will be serving his turn “at camp”. Positive note, Milania won’t have to approach her 11th birthday being called FAT by Mucinex slug of a father. It’s called the prison diet Juicy Joe, get on it.
The drama is cued up for next week. Melissa invites Tre to Crystal Springs for a girls trip by couching it as “celebration of the bedazzled ankle bracelet removal”. We all know the paycheck hinges on drama, so it will be a Tre/Jacs intervention/explosion.