New Beginnings, Same Old Endings

Boring filler on undercard cast mates.  Dolores suspiciously close to her ex-husband Frank, we learn he is former Mr. New Jersey.  Dolores wants to redecorate on Frank’s dime.  Learn that Frank owns six gyms, Dolores partner in three of those gyms, and just launched her own gym.  Explains why she can’t let go of Frank.  Dolores bidness partner, Maz, drops bomb on her, need to sign 2,000 memberships within the first month in order to make the bills.  Also, Dolores needs to show up to work, inspire customers, “you look good for an old lady”.  Dolores lunges across the desk and gives him a right hook.  Most crucial thing learned?  Dolores’ son, Frankie, has abs that make young Brad Pitt look like a disgrace.

young brad

Siggy worried about her 13 year-old, received detention for using phone at school.  Siggy at a turning point.  Must revoke phone.  Sophie mouth breathing throughout lecture, asks for Dunkin’ Donuts, momentarily stops Siggy in her lecturing tracks to ponder thought of a chocolate glazed.  Not to be completely foiled, Siggy later takes both her children out for a lay down the law lunch.  Quickly goes south when li’l turds reveal that when they are with their dad for two weekends a month, he allows them to have girls, money, strippers.  Kids ask to talk for five minutes without interruption.  The iPhone timer mocks Siggy.  CANNOT.  CONTAIN.  MOTHERING.  COMMENTARY.  Siggy whips out Scarlet O’Hara fan to halt tears.  Kinda sad, Siggy is the disciplinarian, while dad is the party parent.  Takeaway here – Siggy needs to stop asking Jacs for parenting advice.

Melissa kids in a fashion show.  Antonia has the G to the ia pose down pat.  Geno got his start when he walked for OshKosh B’gosh and did a stint for Garanimals, he’s an ol’ pro.  Tre and Milania attend show for support.  The Gorga kids kill it and Milania actually behaves and stays seated.  Later at celebration dinner, li’l Joey makes an announcement.  “I love everyone at this table”.  Sure kid.  Easy for you to say, everything is rainbows and lollypops when you’re about to crush that glorious pot of mac-n-cheese before you.

Tre is in her bed, bath, and beyond a hot mess.  Psychologically prepping to deal with Jacs.  Her house décor is so hideous, it looks like Wickes liquidated and then donated the leftovers.  Milania wrestles Audriana to the ground, providing her with excruciating noogies.  Audriana runs to mom for safety, but Tre is waiting with hot tweezers, ready to pluck the first errant eyebrow she sees.  Milania puts on her sumo wrestler suit and shouts from the rooftop, “I want a brother!”  All we learn here is li’l Milania has some brawn to her and she takes after her father.  She even uses Juicy’s crazy, cranking, stretching machine and can’t “do yoga” with Tre without breaking her butt.

juicystretchig

Meanwhile, Chris lectures Jacs and urges her to behave.  They must stay on television with their fake storyline if their Li’l Kernel snack system is to ever get off ground!  Juicy Joe and Tre arrive at Jacs’ bearing case of bathtub wine and dry cured meats.  Juicy and Chris slink away to the man cave to hit da’ sausage and sauce.  Tre is left in the kitchen with Jacs and a pot of boiling water.  I have to give Tre props, she looks pretty fantastic.  Prison diet did her well.  Should be her next book.  It’s all puppies and bacon until the two start their journey down memory lane.  They hash, smash, and rehash the past and it escalates quickly.

Escalated quickly

Somehow, Joe Gorga gets brought up for saying something about each of the ladies to the other…don’t trust her, she’s an asshole, or some shit.  Jacs has the solution, get Joe on the SPEAKERPHONE OF TRUTH!  Luckily, Joe is quick on his feet, he slipped and hit his head and has no memory from four years ago.  He can also now speak fluent Portuguese.  Tre on mission to eliminate toxic people from her life, then she should exit, stage left.  Tre tries to put Jacs in her place, she didn’t question Jacs about her legal issues, but Jacs fires back… “mine wasn’t a criminal case, we didn’t file fraudulent bankruptcy like you did.”  Tre is about to flip the kitchen island, but it’s securely fastened to the faux linoleum with liquid nails.  Tre screeches, low blow, let’s go Joe.  Men are clueless, half in bag, cured meat fat stuck between their incisors.  Juicy wants to continue bro-ing out with Chris, he hasn’t eaten enough prosciutto to make the trip worthwhile.  Jacs storming around dining room, pleather pants swishing.  Tre whips on her faux fur, bolts out door.  Chris upset, he senses Juicy was about to ask him to be on his prison contact list!  Jacs throws hands up, “she had a curfew anyway”.  Real winner here is Chris, Juicy left behind his full wine cooler on wheels.

Tre storms out

Next time, Jacs graduates to a pleather top and she gets into it with Melissa.

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