Downward Dawg

Melissa preps for grand opening of Envy, steps in dog poop, tracks into shop, wipes on low-rent Carrie Bradshaw’s tutu.  Gay assistant not sure what to do.  Jazz hands aflutter.  Back at Gorga home, inmates running the asylum.  Dog wearing British flag coat?  Joe self-admitted cave man, can’t find his way out of parenting paper bag.  Watching his own children for two hours, not in “Marriage Contract of Oppression” – not to be confused with Cynthia Bailey “Friendship Contract of Doom”.  Children being especially rambunctious, producers have plied them with pixie sticks and red bull.  Gorga spawn giving us full-blown, petal to the metal, nitro-burnin’ Milania!  Joe caves, calls Melissa, begging ensues.  “You’re dealing with clothes!”  Melisa match point – “Man up and figure it out!”

Gorga Kids

Across town, Tre headed to studio to record audio book.  Chats with lawyer, Google alerts!  Juicy Joe Mucinex slug is cheating bastard.  Nonsense, nonsense.  What is not nonsense?  Tre has paid restitution in full.  First step toward her independence…you watch.  She will ditch that slug of a husband by season 12.  Tre becomes emotional reading the dedication, can’t move past page vii.  Never mind emotions, smoking sound editing equipment due to mis-pronunciations!  CAN’T.  RECOGNIZE.  WORDS.  Tre faced with selecting book cover photo, reflects on her bad hair in a pick taken after removing prison “corn rolls”.  Tre reflects, prison doubles as marriage strengthener.  Juicy Joe showing more Mucinex slug style appreciation.  Book cover revealed, housewife to inmate, and back again.  Next stop, divorce book tour.

Downshift to Siggy squeaking, meets Jacs to stress eat French fries and drink wine.  Siggy issues, 13-year-old daughter selecting clothing from infant section, son covered in hickeys.  Upshift to Tre, Siggy likes Tre, talks without thinking.  Yea, all carnival fun-n-games until Tre eats your new face lift off.  Siggy rock climb date, plans to confront Tre on tabloid cheating rumors.  Jacs scary face, warns – ABORT – DO NOT ASK ABOUT TABLOIDS!

Later, Siggy confronts Tre about rumors, Tre handles like champ on surface, seething cauldron of psychosis bubbling underneath.  Knows Jacs is behind this.  Siggy offers her “relationship expertise”, here’s my card, I’m closed on Wednesdays.

Dolores’ daughter washing guinea pig in the good Tupperware in the living room.  She is in veterinary school, hence her love of bathing animals in containers to later be used for leftover lasagna.

Jacs and Chris at foreclosing McMansion.  Learn of new bidness venture, Little Kernel, GMO and gluten free popcorn for special needs children.  About as viable a market as alarming black water.  Jacs isn’t in it for the money, must push though, need butt lift.

Night of Envy party, atomic contouring, Spanx screaming.  Everyone exchanging pleasantries, Ass-lee calls out Tre 2.0 – it’s a joke, a fake, will the real Tre Goo-Boo-Chay please stand up?

Joe Gorga breaks ice by modeling red cut out dress.  All he achieves is casting high level of awkwardness over crowd and his lactating moobs destroy dress fabric.

Chris and Jacs elude to “get together” with Tre and Juicy Joe, smoke, drink, get foolish.  Tre can’t drink until February, li’l convict ankle monitor will spontaneously combust.  She may lose leg.

Moment we’ve all been waiting for.  Milania finally relieved of manscaping duty!  Flashback of Milania working the three speed back shaver, tells father, “you smell like raw cookie dough.”  I guess that’s better than smelling like taco grease and ass cheese.

Toenails

Tre assumes prison bitch pose and requests Juicy “DO YOGA”.  Juicy Joe assumes unsavory convict pose.  Flashback, Juicy Joe flexible as silicone oven mitt.  Tre hints cheating is not tolerated as she fastens her protective eyewear, cuts his toenails down to the quick, drawing blood.  Juicy upper lip sweating, snorting, grunting, saved by the bell.  Chris calls to invite them for dinner as long as it’s within the allowable traveling perimeter of Tre’s li’l convict ankle monitor.

Joe Yoga

Two weeks, the inevitable Tre and Jacs showdown.

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