Back in Black

After being on lockdown for over a year, RHNJ is back beyotches.  Not much to see in the premiere episode, except for the moment we’ve all been waiting for…the jailbreak of Teresa Goo-Boo-Chay!

Melissa has finally realized it’s not 1952 and she is opening her own boutique, which is just what New Jersey needs…Posche 3.0.  Melissa will call her shop “Envy” and they will feature all of the clothing they can shop lift from the clearance bin at “Forever 21”.  Melissa is legit with a bidness partner and all, but oh poor Joe.  There is no one at home waiting for him with a platter of freshly prepared chicken cutlets!  He has to strip down naked ON CAMERA and soap up his private parts ON CAMERA, just to snag a little attention from his modern wife.

Jacs is back as full time housewife, and SIDENOTE – there is no other Manzo featured.  I guess Caroline finally had enough, and smartly so.  With Tre back on the scene and a year of hard prison time under her weave, better to lay low.  At any rate, we catch up with Jacs…Nicholas is making strides and communicating a bit better verbally, which is good to see.  Jacs has roped in two of her besties for the show, one friend named after a female body part…Dolores!  The other is Siggy Flicker, who had her own matchmaking show on VH1 back in da’ day.  Apparently, Dolores was friends with Caroline, Dina, and Tre…they all go wayyyy back, but signing on for this slapdash shit-show is a sure way to end that.

Jacs has taken Ashlee back under her roof and apparently she is behaving for now, running around at the mall with her new hunky boyfriend, Peter Brady.  I give them six months.  Chris Manzo lost his fortune on the ill-fated BLK water deal, now there’s a shocker.  After his surplus shipment of BLK water was returned to him from Flint, MI, he realized that he was a broke ass mo-fo and decided to sell all of his…um, watches?  Just how many watches did he own?  At least this explains Jacs headline status and reason for taking up a lot of our time with her whining this season, she needs that Bravo paycheck.

Probably the highlight of the episode is Jacs meeting Delores and Siggy (Sigs – not to be confused with “Wigs-n-Cigs”) at some desolate “speakeasy” in the middle of the day so that Siggy can hide her healing face lift and sip lobster bisque through a straw.  She is my spirit animal.

SIggy face lift

Later, Jacs hosts a BYOS (Bring Your Own Shit) party that she has assembled out of prayers and chewing gum, however her remote controlled Christmas tree was one item she did not have to hock.  Jacs and Melissa have an opportunity to literally compare the notes they received from Tre.  Earlier, Jacs read the contents of her one line note in her best Tre voice, which is quite hilarious.  Melissa received a note with a back-handed comment about those damn sprinkle cookies from five seasons ago.  Tre finds a way to still be akin to satan’s asshole, all the way from her prison cubicle.  This doesn’t bode well for Melissa and it’s clearly laying ground work for Tre to use her fine collection of shivs that she fashioned in prison.  Jacs…you’re goin’ down like a fat kid on a see saw.  The highlight of Jacs shin-dig is cousin Rosie, who can be seen in the corner, holding a cocktail and playin’ canasta.

sprinkle cookie

The real moment we are waiting for is the return of Tre, fresh outta da’ clink.  She will be home for Christmas, but will have a leopard print ankle bracelet surgically installed for six months.  She has to obtain permission from her probation officer to go anywhere outside of her McMansion, except for Wal-Mart.

The Goo-Boo-Chay household is chaos as usual between the dogs, the girls, and the glitter glue.  As the girls are creating home-made welcome home mom signs, Joe cannot wait to pack his bags as he lurches around like the Mucinex slug he is.  He is shouting at the girls, barking orders, and maintaining nary a semblance of authority.  Oh dear reader, we all know the truth here…Milania is the HBIC up in dis’ hizzou of horrors.  Once Milania gets wind that the TMZ paparazzi are camped outside, she waves her li’l fist of fury at them while shouting “GET BENT!”

Gia packs a prison release outfit with care, so that her mother can arrive home looking tighter than a unicorn’s ass hole.  The fambly attorney heads out on the road to retrieve Tre.  G to the ia starts waking her sisters up at 5 a.m. to be ready to greet mom.  Not only is Milania still a rambunctious li’l ball of fun, but Gabriella has not changed much either.  She has that same unnerving, tortured blank stare as if she knows where the bodies are buried.

As Tre enters the house, it appears she was allowed to get a Brazilian blow out in between the delousing powder and cavity search stations.  She looks pretty good for just getting sprung…she hugs Joe and says “I miss my house”, quite telling.

Tre-Joe Hug

The girls pile on and they all break down, and I have to admit that this scene melted the frost off of my cold, black heart.  Joe offers to cook a meal and she asks for vegetables of all things.  Meanwhile, Tre narrates, “I was very naive, I won’t be naive anymore, I learned my lesson, and I won’t make the same mistake twice.”  I don’t know ‘bout y’all, but I sense that Joe may want to sleep with one eye open for the rest of his natural life.  Word to the wise, do not drink the green Gatorade and don’t get caught alone in the prison shower.

Tre - girls

And that’s a wrap – preview this season indicates more drama and the fambly preps for Joe’s “time away”.

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